If you are reading this then I am gone and that's okay because wherever I end up has to be a better place than here. I've queued this post for one week after my final day of life.
It's amazing how serene it is knowing all of your pain will be over in just a few minutes. That your mistakes, worries, insecurities, hurt, betrayals, all of it will soon just cease to be. That actions and a broken heart no longer matter because peace, silence, stillness will be all that you know.
I used to believe in things like love, morals, and values. I used to fight for these things. I tried to find them, I wanted to see them in others, I tried to protect them.
But, the unequivocal truth of my life is that love does not exist. I thought I had finally found it and learned what love could be. I felt like this is it, this is what all the pain in my life was for, so I could find this person and finally be happy.
For the first time in my life I actually wanted to live. I wanted to grow old with someone. I wanted a family. I found myself daydreaming about simplest things like paint, chores, records, gardens, cooking, daycare pickup. I felt like true happiness and the life I never knew I always wanted were just within my grasp.
But, I was betrayed in the worst possible way. I lost everything. Love does not exist. It's a hopeless search and all it brings is pain. We live in a culture where people act entitled to everything and put in no effort to treat each other properly.
Morals, values, loyalty. These have all become extinct. Someone would rather do what feels good to them in the moment than consider how others will be hurt. They would rather commit selfish deeds than try to help one another.
I miss the days when people valued each other. When love and loyalty meant something. When you could take a person at their word. When it wasn't foolish to trust someone or believe that people will do the right thing.
We live in an age where people view love as hookups. Where people excuse things like abuse and rape or even blame the victim. It's horrible the way people treat each other. How looks and status have become more important than being morally sound.
You can lose everything. Your hope, your future, your world to someone who only leaves destruction and pain in their wake. Who harms without care or remorse. Who commits a list of repulsive actions that you yourself would never even consider on your worst day.
And those are the people, the ones that get everything. The world is skewed in their favor. The age of instant gratification. Why work for anything when you can just take it all from someone else. Why help someone when you can beat them down just to get ahead. Why be a decent person when being awful comes with so many advantages.
I don't want to live in this world anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like the only one who sees how wrong everything has become. I'm sick of being discarded and worthless.
I found my person, someone who I thought shared my views and values. She taught me what love could be and what it could feel like. She taught me to hope and dream for a future. I was ready to face the world by her side. And then she took it all away. For what? Someone who hurt her in every possible way with no remorse and valued her only as an object.
There's nothing left for me here. I had a lot to give the world. I know that I could have been a good husband, a good father, a good friend, a good person. I wanted to give so much love and do something of value with my life. I wanted to cherish her and spend every day making her happy. I wanted a lot of things...
But, life would rather stomp on me and show me that morals are extinct. Values no longer exist and love is a fucking lie.
I leave this world to you, do as you will, I can't see how it can get any worse. It's time for me to rest.
This is goodbye. To love, to dreams, to hope, to pain, to life. To you.
I'm sorry we never got the moment we talked about with this song. I know it would have been the most treasured memory of my life.
