Empty Words @omgdatphantho - Tumblr Blog

Yellow Curtains

Summary: Dan feels like an outsider looking in; an alien in his own skin. He’s starting to question his sexuality and that’s made more complicated by meeting Phil. Nothing worth having comes easy; especially love.

Warning: Angst, Drug use/Drug references, Alcohol use/Alcohol references, Illusions to smut, Language, Phandom Big Bang

Word Count: 16.7k

A/N: Hello Lovelies! It’s finally here, my PBB 2018. It’s been a long journey, but I’m really happy with the end result. This story is based on season 3 of Skam. Skam is a Norwegian tv drama based around a group of teenagers. I highly recommend checking it out.

First, I would like to thank @fastforward-ty. Madison, you’ve been amazing. I couldn’t have done this without you. You brought a whole side to the story that I never have could on my own. I’m forever grateful for you.

Second, I would like to thank @michaelakindlova. Misha, you’re absoluetly amazing. You’ve been a cheerleader since you first read my summary and I thank you for it. Your art is awesome and I feel so lucky for it.

The third person I have to thank is @worriedpeach. Rachel, what can I even say about you? Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I’m thankful each and every day that I’m able to call you one of my friends.

Finally, I would like to thank all of my readers. I know that I haven’t been as active lately, but you guys never give up on me. For that, I’m so thankful.

Art

Ao3

Fanfic Masterlist

The bass thumps through the walls, causing them to shake slightly. Dan and his friends are holed up in the bathroom, passing a joint back and forth between them. Two girls walk in and the boys laugh. Dan can feel his mouth moving, but he’s too giggly to pay attention to what’s being said.

He blinks a few times and he’s one of two people left in the bathroom. The other is a girl with short, brown hair who appears to be slightly younger than himself. She places a white pill in her mouth and Dan kisses her, pulling the pill into his own mouth.

“I’m Emma,” she says as she starts to kiss down his torso, making her way towards his jeans.

“Dan,” he mumbles out. He lets her continue her movements for another minute before pushing her away. He knows that no matter how hard he tries, he won’t be able to get hard for her.

It’s a new thing Dan has been noticing lately. Females haven’t been giving him the same rush lately as they use to. When watching porn, Dan finds his eyes drifting towards the male. It’s something that causes him to squirm, not wanting to examine it very closely.

~~~

“Up and at ‘em,” Carter sings. Dan groans. The Sunday morning sunlight is doing nothing to help this pounding head.

“It’s too early for this,” Dan mumbles. Carter laughs and pulls the comforter off Dan’s head.

“Grumpy,” Carter says with a smile. Dan heaves himself up and stares at Carter with a blank expression. Carter’s smile widens.

“I made breakfast. Didn't want you to miss it. Hurry up,” Carter sways his way out of the room with a light smack to Dan’s leg. Dan groans and flops back onto his pillow.

The alarm on his phone goes off two minutes later. Dan quickly silences it. He unlocks his phone and notices two messages on his phone, one from his mum and the other from an unknown number. Dan taps on his mum’s message first:

I’m sorry things have become so strained between us. I look forward to the day we can go back to how we were. Love you, God Bless!

She must be having a good day, Dan thinks, exiting out of the message and clicking on the other; he wrinkles his nose.

Hey this is Emma. I had a great time last night! We should get together again ;)

Dan sighs. Somehow she got his number. He tries to think of who she was hanging with. Maybe Cara gave it to her. He drops his phone on the bed and smashes his face into his pillow.

“Come on! Breakfast is getting cold!” Carter calls from the other room. Dan groans as he pulls himself from bed. This is all too much for as early as it is.

~~~

Dan pushes through the throngs of people in an attempt to get to the center of the quad. He can see his three friends clustered together and he smiles.

“Dan! How was the hangover yesterday?” Jonas asks as soon as he spots him. Dan chuckles and shakes his head.

“Could have been worse, that’s for sure. It was nice to have a lazy day, though,” Dan confesses.

“Ah man. Mine sucked. I swear I was throwing up everything I ate in the last week,” Ryder moans. They laugh, and Alec shoves him in the shoulder.

“He’s exaggerating. He puked twice and was fine by dinner,” Alec states.

Ryder knocks his shoulder, “Dude.”They all bust out in laughter. A movement catches Dan’s eye. He turns his head slightly and locks eyes with Emma across the quad with a group of her friends. She smiles and waves. Dan nods his head and twitches his hand. He pushes his hand tightly against his leg.

“Who are you looking at?” Alec asks as he steps next to Dan, his eyes scanning the quad.

“Someone from a class,” Dan lies. He can feel Emma’s eyes on him, but he forces himself to ignore it.

~~~

A book drops onto the table, startling Dan. He looks up and sees Iman standing next to her seat. She doesn’t look too pleased, her mouth set in a hard line. Dan searches through his brain, trying to remember if he dropped an assignment or forgot a study session.

“Sorry?” Dan blurts out, confused. Iman raises an eyebrow and drops into her seat. Dan watches as she slowly retrieves her materials for class. Once done, she turns towards him, a blank expression on her face.

“You should be sorry,” Iman says.

Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “What am I sorry for?” Iman digs around in her bag before pulling her hand up. Under the table, she opens her hand, and Dan’s stomach drops. Laying on her palm is the bag of weed he had stuffed into a potted plant at the party. Someone had yelled about the cops, and he was the one holding Alec’s stash, so he panicked and hid it in the first place he could find.

“You left this behind Saturday. You’re lucky I found it before the cops did. Cara could have gotten in a lot of trouble.”

Dan reaches out to take it back, but Iman pulls her hand away before he can. “Hey, give it back.”

Iman gives her head a small shake. “Not yet. I need you to do something for me first.” Dan nods. “You and your boys need to attend the pub quiz Cara and I are hosting on Thursday. If you do that, you’ll get it back. Well, most of it. I’m keeping ten percent.”

“Ten percent? It’s not even mine, it’s Alec’s, and you don’t even smoke. Why do you need it?” Dan asks. Iman smirks.

“You never know when it could come in handy,” she says.

Dan sighs and, after a beat, nods his head. “We’ll be there.”

“Good.”

~~~

Dan: Seriously?! Where are you guys????

Jonas: Sorry bro. Busy.

Alec: You were serious?

Ryder: Dude! Cara’s gonna be there!! Dude!!!

Dan closes out of the group chat and sighs. His friends bailed, and now he’s stuck at this boring-ass pub quiz. He looks around the room, trying to find someone to talk to. His eyes briefly land on Cara as she’s gesturing wildly in a conversation. He locks eyes with Iman as she half-listens to Cara, more interested in shooting lasers at Dan than what her friend’s saying.

A group of people walk by Dan, one of them looks directly at him. He’s tall with dark hair and a pale complexion. Dan’s too far away to see his eyes, but he’s sure they’re as nice to look at as the rest of him is. The guy smirks at Dan and follows his own friends to the far side of the room.

Emma walks in a few minutes later. She spots Dan, and her face lights up, waving at him as she passes. She drops her stuff at a table with the rest of her group and spins on her heels. She focuses her sight on Dan, and he begins to panic. He grabs his bag and books it out of the room.

Dan speed walks down the hall, trying to put as much distance between himself and Emma as he can. When he sees the door for the male restrooms, he swears that it’s bathed in holy light. There might have been angels singing, but he doesn’t care as long as it gets him away from Emma.

She’s a sweet girl, but Dan doesn’t know what to do about her. He doesn’t want to necessarily be with her, but he also doesn’t want to be alone. The whole situation is causing his head to ache.

Dan hides in a stall until he’s sure that the pub quiz has started. He walks out and freezes. The attractive guy is washing his hands. Dan had heard the door open, but wasn’t expecting it to be him. He sees Dan’s reflection in the mirror and smiles at him; Dan’s too taken aback to respond. The guy moves away from the sinks.

Finally, Dan gains control over his body. While washing his hands, Dan watches the guy take every last paper towel in the dispenser to dry his hands. Dan’s left standing there, his dripping hands dangling at his side.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need some, too?” There’s a playful smile on the guy’s face as he asks. Dan slowly nods. He has no clue what’s going on and briefly wonders if he’s on a hidden camera show. The guy picks up a towel and examines it. Deeming it to be clean, he hands it to Dan. Dan takes it and makes no move to wipe his hands.

“You want to go somewhere?” The guy flashes a joint. Dan gives a small smile and nods his head.

~~~

“So, why are you ditching the pub quiz?” The guy asks as Dan takes a long drag of the joint. Dan smiles and exhales, passing the joint over. They’ve been sitting on the bench, shooting the shit and smoking, for over thirty minutes.

“Not really my scene. My friends were supposed to come, but they ditched,” Dan explains.

The guy laughs. “Maybe you need new friends.”

‘Maybe we can be friends,’ Dan thinks. He hums and smiles. The door to the pub bangs open behind them, and both of them turn their heads towards the noise. A familiar figure rushes towards them.

“Dan!” A forced smile graces his face as Emma stops right in front of him.

“Hey...” he nods. Her smile becomes larger.

“Where have you been? You’ve missed the whole quiz.” Dan can see the guy watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“Sorry. I-uh, I needed a breather, and so did he,” Dan states as he gestures to his companion. He hears himself trip over his words, but no one else seems to. He lets out a silent sigh of relief. He appears to be getting away with his lie. Emma finally turns her head and looks at the guy. Her eyes narrow, her smile faltering a bit.

“And you would be?” she asks.

The guy raises his eyebrow, “I’m Phil.” The name couldn’t be more fitting to Dan, and he thinks it’s the best name he’s ever heard.

“What’s your name?” Phil asks.

“This is my um, friend, Emma,” Dan answers for her. Emma turns her attention back to Dan.

“Oh, I think I’m a little more than that, Danny,” she says with a playful swat to his arm. Phil lets out a soft chuckle. Dan wonders if the Earth could open right this second and swallow him whole.

~~~

“Who are you staring at?” Alec asks, pulling Dan back to reality. Dan shakes his head and turns his attention to his friends. Phil’s the answer, standing across the quad with a group of his friends and staring right back. Dan can’t figure out a way to articulate why he’s suddenly so enamored with someone he’s only just met.

“One, I’m not staring, and two, I thought I saw someone from the pub quiz last night that you all were too busy to attend,” Dan glances around the group and swears they roll their eyes in sync.

“One, you’re totally staring at whoever you think you saw, and two, we were too busy. Busy avoiding the pub quiz,” Jonas states. Alec and Ryder high five; all three of them start laughing.

“I hate you all,” Dan informs them. There’s no heat behind his words, though. He pulls his headphones out of his pocket and shoves them in his ears. Talk Show Host by Radiohead starts playing and Dan smiles. He sneaks a quick glance in Phil’s direction and sees that he’s still watching him.

~~~

“What was that?” Iman asks as she drops her stuff onto the table. Dan glances up from his book and raises an eyebrow in her direction.

“What was what?” he asks. She sighs and flops into the chair. Dan closes his book and sets it in front of him. He turns to face her and braces himself. According to the look on her face, he’s in for a good dressing down.

“You came last night and then bailed before we even started.”

Dan slumps down. “I went to the bathroom and never made it back,” he shrugs. Iman stares at him with a blank expression. Dan sighs, “I needed a breather and stepped out. There was someone else out there and we talked a bit.” Iman places her elbow on the table and props her head up with her hand. All the anger on her face has been replaced with intrigue.

“Oh really? Who is this mystery person?” she asks, and Dan rolls his eyes at her nosiness.

“I think he said his name was Phil. He’s really tall and has black hair,” ‘And the most gorgeous blue eyes I’ve ever seen,’ he thinks to himself. Iman raises an eyebrow at him and Dan coughs. “At least I think that’s what he looks like.” ‘Real smooth there Dan.’ Iman gives a disbelieving hum.

“Yes, I do know of him,” she replies. Dan stares at her, waiting for her to continue. There’s a brief standoff before she sighs.

“His name is Phil Lester. He’s a new transfer student who’s in Year 13. He knows Cara.” Dan presses down a smile.

“Cool, thanks. I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, waving him off. Dan pulls out his laptop, intent on looking up everything he can find about this Phil Lester right that moment. However, his teacher starts class before he can.

~~~

Dan’s sitting in his bed. His laptop is balanced on his knees as he presses the keys harder than necessary. He’s spent an hour trying to look up Phil on social media, but he can’t find him anywhere. It’s only when Dan finally googles his name that something comes up. It’s a video uploaded to YouTube by an apparent friend of Phil’s. Phil is standing in front of a table, a diorama of a classroom is sitting on it. There’s a naked Barbie, a robot toy, and a frog inside.

“This is going to next epic love story,” Phil tells the camera. His friend laughs, and Phil smiles. Dan smiles in return.

“What’s it about?” the friend asks.

Phil prattles on about the love story between the human — the Barbie — and the robot, how love in his film won’t be bound by the thoughts or expectations of others. “I’m going for a Baz Luhrmann feel. I really loved his adaptation of Romeo & Juliet.”

Dan’s face aches from smiling. He has a desire to reach through the screen and touch Phil, to check if he’s actually real. No human on Earth could possibly be this perfect.

The video ends and Dan restarts it, a pattern that continues for a few more hours as he looks up Baz Luhrmann and his movies. Phil’s voice echoing in his ears is the last thing Dan hears before he drops off to sleep.

~~~

“Hi Danny,” someone calls out. Dan mashes his wrist against the inside of his locker as he jumps. Cursing the blooming pain under his breath, he looks around. Emma is standing next to him with a wide smile on her face. Dan grins at her.

“Hi,” Dan replies in a flat voice.

Emma doesn’t notice his lack of enthusiasm. “Did you hear that Cara’s hosting pre-drinks tonight?”

Dan searches his head. It sounds vaguely familiar, but he’s not sure. For the last week, his thoughts had been overtaken by Phil. It’s strange. He barely knows the guy and yet, he can’t get him out of his head. “Um-Maybe,” he replies eloquently.

Emma sighs, her smile diminishing slightly. She shakes her head. “Cara would like you to bring some drinks tonight.”

Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “Why?”

Emma rolls her eyes. “You skipped out on the pub quiz, and she’d like you to make it up to her.”

“Why didn’t she text me herself?” Dan sighs.

“She did, but apparently you’ve been ignoring her. Seems to be a common theme with you this week, since you haven’t texted me back either.” Emma pokes him in the chest to emphasize her words. Dan gives her a sheepish look.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy. I’ll make it up to both of you. I’ll bring the drinks and spend time with you tonight.” Emma beams and Dan gives her a tight-lipped smile. She leans forward to kiss him, but he turns his head at the last minute. Her lips land on his cheek and he pinches his mouth tight. Emma doesn’t notice and gives him a large smile. His cheek crawls with the lingering feeling of her lips against him.

“I can’t wait,” She squeezes his arm and disappears down the hallway. Dan leans against the lockers and lets his head fall back with a resounding wack. The dull ache is a great reminder of his stupidity.

~~~

Dan steps onto the crowded tube and finds a spot near the middle, leaning up against the pole. People jostle as the tube begins to move; Dan tightens his hand around the pole.

“Hey.” Dan looks up and sees Phil standing right next to him. His dark hair is pushed back in a quiff, and he’s wearing a denim jacket over a hoodie. Dan’s mouth goes dry and he feels his chest tighten. He nods his head and Phil smiles.

“You don’t say much, do you?” Phil asks, and Dan shrugs.

For the next ten minutes, Dan keeps looking over at Phil. Phil staring at him and smirking. Dan feels like his insides are turning to goo. His phone goes off, causing him to stop watching Phil. It’s Cara, reminding him not to forget the drinks for tonight. Dan blinks at his phone a few times before suddenly looking at Phil.

“You’re eighteen, right?” he asks. Phil raises an eyebrow at him.

~~~

They made it all the way to the corner store before Phil remembers he left his ID at home. Dan follows him back to his flat. It’s a simple, three room place. There’s an open floor common space that includes the lounge and kitchen. Two doors off to the side lead to what Dan’s assuming is the bathroom and the bedroom.

“Nice place,” Dan comments as he looks around. Phil shrugs.

“It is what it is,” he says with a smirk. Dan furrows his brow, but Phil’s already moving through the flat. “Are you hungry?”

Dan smiles. “Starving.” The thoughts of the pre-game slip from his mind.

~~~

“This is awful,” Dan says around a mouthful of sandwich. Phil had made them both toasted ham and cheese sandwiches with way too much cardamom on them.

“Oh, like you could do better,” Phil jests as he takes another bite. Dan laughs and smiles.

“I totally could. See, now I know not to use half a container of cardamom to make sandwiches. Clearly I’m more advanced than you.” Phil rolls his eyes and snorts. Dan’s heart skips a beat.

“Clearly,” he says with smirk. Dan ducks his head and smiles to himself.

~~~

They’re seated on the window sill, looking out over Phil’s neighborhood. Dan’s enjoying the fact that the sun is illuminating Phil, making him look like an angel. They’re passing a joint between them.

“How do you feel about Nas?” Phil asks.

Dan raises his eyebrow, “Nas? You like Nas?”

Phil chuckles, nodding his head. Dan remains quiet. He’s unsure of what to say. Letting Phil in makes him nervous, even though they’ve already hung out before.

“Do you even know who Nas is, or are you too young?” Phil teases. Dan throws his head back and laughs.

“I’m not that young,” Dan says with a smirk. “I love Nas.”

Phil gives him a wide, toothy smile. “That wins you so many brownie points.”

Dan chuckles. “Oh. Is that so?” he flirts.

Phil look at him with a hungry expression. “Yes,” he says in a low voice; Dan represses a shiver. ‘He’s flirting back right? I think he is,’ Dan’s mind screams at him.

~~~

The sun begins to set. and Dan swears Phil looks even better in the fading light. It highlights his features and makes Dan want to squirm. They finished the joint and are lounging around, talking about nothing in particular and relishing in their respective highs.

A knock rings out from the door and breaks the little world that they have created. Dan raises an eyebrow as Phil stands, smiling as he walks to the door.

“Hey!” he cries as he opens the door. Two guys and a girl step into the flat. The guys fist bump Phil before walking into the lounge, waving at Dan. He waves back and refocuses his attention onto Phil. He has his arms wrapped around the girl’s waist, lips pressed against hers. Dan feels his heart clench and his chest tighten.

“Dan! This is Lily, my girlfriend. Lily, this is Dan.” Phil’s smiling as he introduces the two. Dan’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth.

“Hi,” Lily greets him. Dan nods his head and croaks out a greeting. He starts moving around the room, gathering his belongings.

“I’ll see you guys later. I’m going to head out.” Dan’s brain is screaming at him to run as far away from the situation that he can.

“What? You can totally stay if you want,” Phil says, reaching out to stop Dan’s movements. Dan shakes his head.

“No, it’s all good. I’ll see you later. Nice to meet you,” he calls over his shoulder as he rushes out the door.

~~~

Dan’s been laying on his bed for what feels like forever before he remembers to text Emma. He informs her that he won’t be able to make it to pre-drinks and then buries his head in his pillow. He can hear his phone buzzing, but he doesn’t bother with it. A few tears escape his eyes as he tries to will away the image of Phil and Lily kissing.

~~~

It’s Saturday, and Dan really just wants to wallow in his grief, but other people in his life clearly have different plans. The boys have been texting him all day, trying to convince him to come out and party with them tonight. Dan lies to them and says he has to do something with his mum. He hasn’t talked to her in a few weeks, not that she hasn’t been messaging him. He can’t bring himself to message her back. He isn’t sure what to say to her.

He gets a large amount of messages from Emma. They start off irate and descend into apologies as time goes on. He reads them, but doesn’t reply. He isn’t sure what to say to her, either.

~~~

Sunday brings more of the same — more apologies from Emma for becoming upset with him and the boys trying to get him to hang out. He doesn’t want to go anywhere. He wants to lay in bed and watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat while he wallows in his own self-pity.

Between the repeats of the movie, Dan lets his mind wander. He’s suspected for a long time that girls don’t hold his fancy, but he isn’t sure if guys are his cup of tea. However, there is something about Phil. The way his body moves as if he’s dancing to music only he can hear. The way his eyes are like endless deep pools that Dan is happy to drown in. A myriad of feelings swirl around inside of him, causing confusion in his head. It makes him want to hide away from everything.

“You can’t hide in here forever,” Carter says as he bursts through Dan’s bedroom door. Dan grumbles as he pulls his laptop closer to himself, determined to ignore his flatmate. Carter plops down on the bed and scoots next to Dan. He pauses the movie.

“Why are you here?” Dan asks as nicely as he can muster.

Carter sighs. “You’ve been hiding in your room all weekend, clearly moping.”

“So?”

“So I’m concerned about you. You need to get out.”

Dan snorts. “I go out a lot. I needed a weekend to chill out.”

“And watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat.”

“It’s a good movie,” Dan defends.

“Not good enough to watch twenty times in a row.”

Dan narrows his eyes at Carter’s smirk. “You don’t get it.”

“Sure I don’t,” Carter has a knowing expression on his face, and it causes Dan to frown. Carter laughs before starting the movie up again. Dan settles in and enjoys having Carter’s comforting weight next to him.

~~~

“Excuse me,” a voice says. The boys stop talking and turn their head towards the sound. Emma is standing with a group of her friends; an unhappy expression on her face.

“Um- hi,” Dan says, and Emma furrows her brow.

“How could you ditch me on Friday?” Emma demands. The boys look at Dan with questioning looks on their faces. Dan shakes his head at them. He rubs the back of his neck.

“Something came up. I’m sorry,” he apologizes.

“You better not skip pre-drinks again.” Emma’s tone is cold. Dan finds himself nodding his head vigorously and promising to make it up to her. Emma smiles and reaches out, running her hand along Dan’s arm. Dan forces himself to stand still and endure her touch. Emma squeezes his hand and winks at him before departing with her posse.

Dan receives a hard smack on his shoulder. He rubs it and glares at Jonas for inflicting the pain onto him. “What was that for?” Dan demands.

“You could have told us about pre-drinks on Friday. We totally would have been there,” Jonas insists. Dan rolls his eyes and sighs.

“You could have found out from Cara,” he insists. Ryder visibly shudders. Their relationship has always been a complicated one. Frenemies with benefits is how the boys like to describe it. Ryder would wax poetically about him and Cara, causing the boys to roll their eyes.

“We’re not talking,” he states. There’s a hint of bitterness in his tone and Dan raises an eyebrow at him. Ryder shakes his head. Dan glances at Jonas and Alec who are both shrugging.

~~~

“So you are alive,” a voice very close to his ears cries out. Dan wacks his hand on the inside of his locker once again, and curses under his breath. He turns to see Cara standing uncomfortably close to him.

“Still breathing as far as I know,” Dan sasses back without much thought.

Cara rolls her eyes and crosses her arms across her chest. “You completely flaked on Friday and then have been ignoring my messages. What is with you?”

Dan bites his lip. “I’ve been really busy, and something came up on Friday. I’m sorry about that.” Cara eyes him suspiciously, but accepts Dan’s explanation.

“You’re hosting the pre-game this weekend,” she states.

“Oh really?”

“Yes. It’s restitution to both Emma and I.”

Dan takes a minute to mull it over. If one evening can make up for his behavior, he would be a fool to turn it down.

“I’ll do it.” Cara smiles.

“Great.”

~~~

Dan glances at his phone for what feels like the twentieth time in the past two minutes. He sighs and settles his head against his propped-up hand. Jonas, Ryder, and Alec watch with rapture as the dance squad runs through their routine.

Another sigh escapes Dan as he shifts in his seat. Movement by the door catches his eye. He looks over and sees Phil making his way towards their group. Dan quietly clears his throat and sits up straighter. That movement gets Jonas attention, and he looks at Dan. Dan, however, doesn’t notice because he’s too busy watching Phil.

“Hey,” Phil says as he stops in front of the group.

“Hey,” Dan answers. Alec and Jonas glance between the boys. Ryder gives Phil only a cursory glance before turning his attention back to the girls.

“Here. You left this,” Phil states as he lifts his hand. Dan tears away his gaze from Phil’s face and to his hand. In his grasp is Dan’s hat, the one he left at Phil’s during his hasty retreat on Friday.

“Um, thanks,” Dan says. He reaches out and takes his hat. Their fingers brush and Dan represses a shiver.

“Where did you find that?” Jonas asks. Dan’s eyes go wide, and he feels his breath catch in his throat. He looks at Phil as his mind goes blank.

“The cafe after lunch on Friday,” Phil states. Dan silently releases his held breath as Jonas and Alec accept Phil’s explanation.

“Thanks, again,” Dan says. Phil nods and opens his mouth to say something. Dan pleads silently with his eyes. Phil must’ve caught on and closes his mouth, shaking his head. With another nod, he turns on his heels and leaves. Dan watches him go.

“Okay. What was all that about?” Jonas asks. Dan turns towards his friends. Both Jonas and Alec staring at him. Dan shrugs, brushing the question off. Jonas eyes him suspiciously.

“Hey, you got your hat back,” Ryder states, breaking the tension in the air. The boys descend into laughter as confusion spreads over Ryder’s face.

~~~

The music is thumping, and a thick crowd of people have overtaken Dan’s flat. Dan’s eyes scan the crowd, trying to pick out people he knows. He can Carter with his other flatmate, Nora, dancing in the corner. He thinks he can see the boys in the kitchen.

The door opens, and a cheer rings out. Phil and Lily stride through the door. A few moments later, Dan and Phil’s eyes lock across the room. Phil smirks, and Dan’s throat suddenly feels dry.

“Hey,” Emma yells in Dan’s ear as she pokes his shoulder hard. They’ve been sitting on the couch in the living room. She’s been prattling on for a while, but Dan’s barely heard a word. Now the cause of his nerves has just walked through the door, and Dan’s no more relaxed.

“Hmm?” Dan asks, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Phil and focus on Emma.

“Do you want to dance?” Emma’s eyes are sparkling in the neon lights, and she’s smiling wide. She’s pretty in a general sort of way, and it makes Dan’s heart clench. He wishes he could be attracted to her the way that she deserves.

Dan sneaks a quick glance at Phil, who’s moving to the music. “Sure.”

~~~

Dan’s swaying to the music with his hands on Emma’s hips. His hands feel sweaty and awkward against her clothes. She’s grinding against his front with her arms wrapped around his neck. He reminds himself to breath. Dan feels as if he’s being watched and immediately looks up, locking eyes with Phil.

Phil smirks at Dan, watching him with hooded eyes. He’s moving in time with Lily. Holding Dan’s attention, Phil ducks down and captures Lily’s lips. She moves closer as the kiss deeper. Dan’s eyes go wide with shock. Jealousy overcomes him as he has a fleeting thought about how Phil’s plush lips would feel against his own.

Not to be outdone by Phil, he pulls Emma close and kisses her. She kisses back with enthusiasm. Dan opens his eyes and locks his gaze with Phil. They continue to stare at each other as they dance and make out with their respective girls.

~~~

“I can’t break up with Lily because she has a fake leg.” Dan furrows his brow and looks at Phil. They’ve been standing in Dan’s kitchen, making small talk while others get ready to go to other parties.

“”What? She-?” Dan’s brain tries to process what he’s heard.

“Yeah. She lost it in a car accident when she was ten. She wears a fake leg and everything.” Dan furrows his brow. He takes a good look at Phil and feels like an idiot. Phil’s struggling to keep his face straight as his eyes sparkle with mischief.

“You seriously had me going there for a minute,” Dan closes his eyes and groans. He opens his eyes and his breath catches in his throat. Phil’s moved across the kitchen, now invading Dan’s space.

“Yeah, I did,” Phil answers him. Phil’s eyes flicker between Dan’s own and his lips. Dan’s brain starts freaking out, wondering if he’s reading the situation correctly. Phil tilts his head to the side and leans in. ‘No. This is really happening right now,’ Dan thinks in disbelief. He licks his lips, flicks his eyes over Phil’s face, and moves closer.

“Dan?” an outside voice calls. The moment shatters, and Phil moves back. He waits a few beats before leaving the room with only the briefest of glances at Dan. Dan sighs and slumps against the counters. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest.

~~~

Dan’s struggling to open his mouth. never wants to open correctly, and it seems to love to be particularly defiant on Monday morning. Dan drops his head against the metal door, groaning as his head bounces off the metal with a dull thud.

“That can’t feel too good.” Dan inhales sharply as he looks to his left. Phil’s standing very close to him, smiling. Dan takes note of how comfortable Phil appears in his oversized hoodie. His heart flip-flops in his chest.

“Oh, hey,” Dan smiles and Phil smirks. Dan’s chest tightens.

“Need help?” Dan furrows his brow and Phil chuckles. “With your door?” He tilts his head. Dan glances at the locker and shakes his head. Phil raises an eyebrow at him and then shrugs.

“So Emma and Lily have gotten pretty close.”

“Really?” Phil’s smirking again.

“Yeah. They want to get together before the Fall Fest on Friday.” Dan hums.

“So you’re okay with this?”

Dan shrugs, and Phil rolls his eyes. He takes a step closer and ducks down slightly. His warm breath tickles Dan’s ear.

“I’ll see you at your place on Friday.” Phil pulls back and smacks his hand against Dan’s locker, popping the door open, before walking away. Dan’s left in a flustered stupor.

~~~

Dan: I hear I’m hosting a Pre-Fall Fest get together for us and Phil and Lily

Emma: OMG! BABE! You’re the best!!

Emma: I know the perfect costumes!

~~~

Death can’t come quick enough for Dan. He’s seated between Emma and Lily, listening to them talk to each other. Phil is absolutely no help. He’s not contributing to the conversation, but he’s staring intently every time Dan glances over at him. Dan even wishes his roommates would burst in, but he knows that won’t happen. Carter is out clubbing, and Nora is off on a weekend with her boyfriend.

“Dan, babe?” Dan represses jumping as Emma’s voice breaks him out of his revelry.

“What?” Emma huffs. Dan looks at her with bewilderment.

“I’m getting a drink,” she announces before storming out of the room.

“I’ll go with you,” Lily states. Phil has the decency to wait until the girls have left the room before he lets out a soft laugh. Dan frowns.

The boys are alone for the first time and Dan’s able to get a better look at Phil’s costume. He’s wearing a long white wig and beard with a robe. Dan supposes he’s meant to be God. Lily is wearing a white, full length, long sleeve dress. On her back, is a pair of lace wings. She has a tinsel halo on her head. She’s dressed as an angel.

Dan is wearing a regular red t-shirt and blue jeans. Over top, he’s wearing a one shoulder Roman tunic. On his head is a fake, gold laurel wreath. It’s his crown. Emma is wearing a red, pleated, sleeveless dress. She has a simple, circular crown on her head. She’s the Empress to Dan’s Emperor.

Phil leans forward. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Dan licks his lips and pauses.The imaginary angel on his right shoulder is whispering that it would be rude to ditch the girls. They had plans to attend the Fall Fest and Dan is technically hosting this little get together. The devil on his left shoulder is screaming. Its words are perfectly in line with the feeling thumbing through Dan’s body. His body is desperate to get closer to Phil. Dan’s aching to spend alone time with him. He takes a deep breath.

“Yes.”

~~~

Dan feels like he’s flying. He’s seated on the back of Phil’s bike as the wind whips through his hair. Phil looks back every now and then as they peddle farther away from reality. Dan swears that he would follow Phil to the ends of the Earth if it always feel this exhilarating. The bike comes to a stop in front of a house, bring Dan back down to Earth.

“Who’s house is this?” Dan asks as he follows Phil through the yard.

“My aunt’s. Come on,” He flashes Dan a reassuring smile and drops to the ground, pushing open the basement window.

“Are you-” Dan takes a quick breath as Phil’s hand lays on his leg. He can feel the warmth seeping through his jeans, sending little sparks shooting through him.

“Trust me.” His smile and words wash over Dan, who nods. The trust Dan has for Phil is greater than his own hesitation.

They slide into the window and drop onto the pool deck. The pool takes up nearly the entire room. The only light in the room is coming from the lights inside of the pool. Dan swallows hard and sucks in shallow breaths. He doesn’t do things like breaking into people’s houses and swimming in there pools. He can feel the fear rising from his stomach, spreading throughout his chest and creeping towards his throat. He opens his mouth to say something, to call this whole thing off and run away. His mind is screaming at him to retreat to his room. Phil speaks before Dan has a chance.

“Well? Are you going to jump in with your costume on?” Phil asks as he pulls off his wig. He has a smile on his face as he drops the wig onto the pool deck. Dan blushes and drops his head. One look at Phil’s smile as all of Dan’s trepidation sliding away.

“No,” he whispers. His words practically echo throughout the nearly silent space. He quickly strips his outfit off, leaving him in his t-shirt and shorts.

“I dare you to jump in.”

Dan looks over, and Phil’s smirking back at him. Bravery wells up inside of Dan.

“Don’t think I’ll do it?” he questions, smiling back at Phil.

“Nope. I think you’re too chicken,” he teases.

“See how much you know.” Dan gives Phil a two finger salute before he jumps into the pool. Dan believes he can hear Phil laughing from above, but isn’t sure due to the water rushing past his ears. He’s barely broken the surface before a wave of water from Phil’s entrance covers him. He laughs as he clears the water from his eyes.

They follow each other around the pool, splashing, laughing, and trying to dunk each other. The heaviness of their clothes impede their movements slightly, but both are too wrapped up with each other’s presence to be bothered.

“Can you hold your breath?” Phil asks. They’re treading water in the middle of the pool. It’s the deepest part, which Dan finds slightly bizarre.

“What?” Dan replies with a laugh.

“Can you hold your breath underwater?” Yet another challenge that Dan definitely feels the need to rise to.

“Yes. Better than you can.”

“Is that so?” Phil raises an eyebrow.

“Definitely so.” Phil throws his head back and laughs.

“On the count of three then. One, two, three.” They both take deep breaths and plunge below the surface.

After a moment, Dan opens his eyes and feels the slight sting from the chlorine. Directly in front of him is Phil, suspended in the water like a jellyfish. The corners of Dan’s mouth twitch.

He blinks and suddenly, Phil is a lot closer. His lips press against Dan’s. Dan’s eyes go wide and he releases all of his held breath as he swims upward. Phil following him. Dan breaks the surface and starts coughing water out of his lungs.

“What was that? I thought you could beat me?” Phil inquires. Dan looks at him. He can see the mixture of teasing and nervousness in Phil’s eyes. He takes a deep breath and then coughs.

“I can. I had water stuck in my throat.” Phil rolls his eyes and swims closer to Dan.

“Sure,” Phil says in disbelief. “Maybe I’ll make a movie about you and call it ‘The Boy Who Can’t Hold His Breath Underwater.” Dan furrows his brows.

“Really? That sounds long and contrived.”

“Nevertheless true.” Phil’s eyes sparkle with his teasing.

“I had water in my throat. I want a redo.” Dan’s face is hard with determination. Phil chuckles

“You’re on.” They take deep breaths and slide below the surface.

It feels as if the stars have aligned. Dan swears that a light is shining directly onto Phil. He’s unsure if he believes in a higher power, but if there is one, he’s pretty sure that they’re sending a sign. Courage and electricity pulses through Dan as he moves closer to Phil. He presses their lips together and they’re kissing. Dan’s mind goes blank. They try to pull each other closer, but the water makes that difficult. They’ve run out of the air they desperately need to continue kissing and surge upwards.

They break the surface and suck in deep breaths. Dan aches to be against Phil once more. Their mouths clash together as their hands move to draw each other closer.

A door slams, and the noise drives them apart. A young girl is standing by the edge of the pool.

“Mum!” she cries.

“Go, run!” Dan cries as he shoves Phil towards the edge of the pool. They grab their costumes and high tail it through the window.

~~~

They spend all Saturday in bed; exchanging kisses and sharing a joint. Warmth flows through Dan as he snuggles close to Phil. Kissing him is quickly becoming Dan’s favorite thing.

“What if there were multiple universes?” Phil asks.

“Who’s to say there aren’t?” Dan replies

“There’s probably a Dan and Phil laying in bed just like us.” Phil runs his thumb across the back of Dan’s hand.

“Exactly like us?” Dan shifts slightly so that he can get a better look at Phil.

“Everything’s the same, but there’s one minor difference.”

“Like what? The curtains are yellow or something?” They laugh.

~~~

Phil leaves on Sunday after much stalling and many good-bye kisses.

“Oh Daniel!” Carter sings out. Dan thumps his head against the front door.

“Yes,” Dan answers, not lifting his head.

“Was that your beau you just snuck out of here?”

“I wouldn’t exactly say beau.”

“Oh, but I would. You didn’t let them out of your room hardly at all yesterday. Though, I didn’t hear anything. Was someone getting kinky?” Dan’s face turns red, and Carter throws his head back in laughter.

“We’re just friends,” Dan murmurs. Carter chuckles and shakes his head.

“Keep telling yourself that,” he replies with a wink.

~~~

“How did you know you were gay?” Dan asks. Carter stops moving ground the kitchen and stares at him. It’s later on Sunday night. Dan had spent the whole day lying in bed, replaying the whole weekend over in his head.

“I guess I always knew,” Carter replies with a tilt of his head.

“When did you tell people?” Carter leans against the counter and braces his arms along the top.

“My early teens. I was maybe fourteen.”

“It must have been easy for you.”

Carter immediately straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest. “What do you mean?” he asks through clenched teeth.

“Just-I guess the way you are,” Dan stumbles out. He knew the words were wrong the minute they slipped from between his lips. Logically, he knew that Carter’s flamboyant nature has nothing to do with his sexuailty. However, he can’t help, but make the correlation in his head.

“The way I am? The way I am?” Carter exclaims. “You know nothing about the way I am.”

“I’m-” He tries to apologize, but the words die on his lips.

“No. You have no idea the struggle that others have gone through — people like me. How dare you judge?” With that Carter pushes past him.

Dan returns to his room, laying in bed with tears falling from his face. He’s typing out his third message to Phil.

Phil doesn’t respond.

~~~

Phil: Sorry I didn’t respond last night. I had something to take care of. Everything is good now.

Phil: Good morning. I can’t wait to see you. I miss you already.

Dan reads the messages and does nothing to suppress the smile on his face. His heart clenches in the best way possible.

~~~

“What’s got you all smiley?” Iman asks as Dan slides into his desk. Dan still hasn’t been able to wipe the smile from this morning off his face. He found a drawing of the him and Phil in his locker. Phil had snuck it in there and Dan’s holding in his his hand, inside of his hoodie pocket. He ducks his head and feels his cheeks heat up.

“Nothing,” Dan mumbles. Iman settles into her seat and stares at Dan.

“It’s a good look on you,” she says after a few moments of silence.

“What? Redness?”

“Happiness.”

~~~

Tuesday brings a sappy note from Phil found in Dan’s locker. It puts a smile on his face that he wears all the way home.

“What has you smiling?” Carter asks as soon as Dan steps through the door. Dan stops short. He blinks a few times.

“You’re talking to me again?” he asks as he sits onto the couch next to Carter. Carter shrugs.

“Just because we’re fighting doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Dan nods and then takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” Carter raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry I was a jackass and said nasty things to you. It was wrong to make assumptions. I should be more sensitive towards your sexuality.” Carter nods.

“Yes. Especially because it’s also your sexuality.” Dan’s eyes go wide.

“No. Yes. Maybe,” he sputters. Carter smirks. “Why would you say that?”

“I met you drunk in a gay bar. You were upset because the handsome bartender wouldn’t hit on you nor give you more to drink.” Dan recalls the moment and shutters.

“I’m not one hundred percent,” he confesses. His voice is barely above a whisper. Carter shrugs and pats Dan on the shoulder.

“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be there to help you.” He stands and heads to leave the room.

“Wait,” Dan calls. Carter stops and turns back towards Dan.

“Are we okay?” Carter laughs.

“Yes honey. I forgave you about half an hour after our fight. I’m accept your apology and my offer still stands.” With that, he leaves a stunned Dan sitting on the couch.

~~~

Dan finds another note from Phil in his locker on Wednesday. This one is asking Dan out for a coffee date later that night.

Dan: Yes

Phil: Excellent. I’ll meet you in the quad after school.

~~~

“Hey good lookin’,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear. Dan jumps and takes a step back.

“Hey you.” He waves awkwardly. Mentally, he smacks himself in the head for being so awkward. Luckily for him, Phil choses to smirk rather than make a comment.

“Ready to go?” Dan nods. Phil steps close as they head out of the quad and tries to take Dan’s hand with his own. Dan recoils, side stepping the attempt. Phil’s face falls briefly, but he goes right back to smiling as if nothing happened.

They end up in a coffee shop on the high street. Dan can feel his frayed nerves. Phil appears to be as cool as a cucumber. With his gentle voice, he puts Dan at ease. So much so that Dan briefly forgets that they’re on a date. They spend the evening flirting over caffeine. Later, once Phil has walked Dan to his door, they trade coffee-flavored kisses.

~~~

Thursday brings yet another note from Phil. It’s a coffee cup with steam coming out of it. The steam forms the shape of a heart. Dan feels his own heart skip a beat.

He invites Phil over to study that night. Phil enthusiastically agrees. Dan had legitimately thought they were going to study. Phil had another plan in mind. His plan is pinning Dan to his bed and kissing him within an inch of his life. Dan’s definitely on board with Phil’s plan.

~~~

“Dan!” Emma calls out as she makes her way towards Dan and his friends. It’s Friday and they’re standing in the quad before school, chatting as they wait for the bell to ring. Emma and her friends stop in front of them. She’s clearly the leader of the group as her friends are clustered behind her.

“Yes Emma?” Dan tries to keep the distaine out of his voice, but he can hear the way her name grates at his ears.

“There’s this party tomorrow, and I would absolutely love for you to come.” She’s looking at him with a hopeful expression.

“Um-”

“Hell yeah. We would love to come,” Alec butts in. Emma’s eyes go wide as if she’s just realizing that there are others around. Emma’s friends giggle.

“Oh, yeah. You’re all invited, too.” She appears nervous and Dan’s hand twitches to give her a reassuring pat on the arm. He presses his hand tightly into his thigh.

“Can’t wait,” Jonas replies, elbowing Dan in the ribs. Dan coughs and nods his head. Emma doesn’t even appear phased.

“Can’t wait,” Dan squeaks out.

Later that night, Dan texts Phil. He waits until the wee hours of the morning, but a response never comes.

~~~

The boys walk up to a two story house; the place where Emma said the party would be taking place. There’s loud music that can be heard nearly a block away. There are people all over the lawn and, from what they can see through the open door, inside the house.

“No way, guys,” the guy standing guard at the door states.

“What do you mean?” Jonas asks. Dan hangs back, happy to let Jonas take the lead.

“I can’t let you in.”

“Emma invited us.” The guy looks at the group with scepticism and disbelief. Dan steps closer to the guy.

“Emma really did invite us. Can I at least go in and tell her that we’re here?” The man nods and motions with his arm. Dan hurries up the steps and through the door.

There are people everywhere, just as Dan had suspected: dancing, drinking, and making out. The bass in the music is so loud that Dan can feel it vibrating in his bones. Colorful lights flash to the beat. As Dan scans the crowd for Emma, a familiar shape catches his eye. Standing on a landing on the other side of the room is Phil. He’s talking very closely with Lily. They seem to be laughing and smiling at each other.

Dan’s breathing stops and his chest tightens as he watches Phil and Lily lock lips. ‘Everything I knew has been a lie,’ he thinks to himself. The bodies meld with the lights, and it all becomes a blur. Anger flares through him as he turns on his heel and rushes out the door. He pushes through the people crossing the porch and stumbles onto the grass.

“Dan? Dan?” Jonas calls. Dan bends over and places his hands on his knees. Bile rises in his throat and he sucks in deeps breaths. He’s trying to keep himself from being sick. Jonas walks over and places his hand on his back.

Dan recoils immediately and stands up. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he cries. Jonas looks bewildered and puts up his hands as he backs away.

“What’s your deal, mate?” Alec asks as he advances towards Dan. Dan turns around and tries to leave, but Alec grabs his shoulder before he can. “Where are you going? Where’s Emma? What’s going on?”

“Fuck off,” Dan spits out. Alec still has a hold of Dan’s shoulder. Every part of Dan’s body and mind is screaming at him to run. He needs to get away from this house right away or he’s afraid that he’s going to lose it more than he already is.

Dan pulls his arm back and punches Alec in the face. Alec drops his hand and clutches his face; doubling over. Dan turns on his heels and sprints down the street, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. His friends call after him, but it only spurs him on.

~~~

Dan burst through the door of his flat, startling his roomates that are sat in the living room. They watch as he tears through, banging the door to his room against the wall. He slams the door and flings himself on to the bed. He pulls his ever-buzzing phone out of his hoodie pocket. He has a bunch of texts and miss calls from his friends, even a few angry ones from Emma. Also, a couple from his mum — not that he really wants to deal with that right now. There’s nothing from Phil.

He burrows his head into his pillows. Tears flow freely and dampen the cotton below him. His whole body shakes as sobs escape his mouth. No matter how deeply he breathes, he can’t get enough oxygen into his lungs. His body feels as if it’s on fire and he screams into his pillow.

~~~

“Seriously Dan?” Emma’s shrill voice pierces the air next to him. Dan silently groans to himself and taps his head against his locker.

“Seriously what?” His voice is sharp. Emma rolls her eyes and scoffs. Dan bites his lip as he swallows down a sarcastic comment to her reaction.

“You ditched me yet again on Saturday. I invited you guys and yet none of you bothered to show up. What is your deal?” Emma crosses her arm over her chest and stares intently at Dan.

“Something came up. I’m sorry.”

Emma scoffs, “You really need a new excuse.”

“Drop it please. It’s not an excuse. If you want to believe that, then that’s on you.” With that, he brushes past her and heads down the hall.

~~~

Free period that day is lonelier than it usually is. Dan’s sitting on the wall of the quad with his headphones in, trying to block out the world. He hasn’t spoken to any of his friends since the failed party attempt two days prior. Sure, he had received a few messages from them, but he hadn’t responded. He’s not sure what he can say or how to explain what’s been going on with him. The words fluctuate between being on the tip of his tongue and dissipating into nothingness.

Phil’s seated across the quad with his friends. Dan finds himself glancing at him every now and then; he can’t help himself. Phil keeps looking over at him. Dan’s caught him a few times. He’s trying to get Dan’s attention, but Dan won’t give him anything but the barest glances. His heart hurts too much.

Dan’s the only one of the core four that’s in the quad. The boys have been avoiding each other. Shame has been Dan’s baseline since that happened. Dan pushes himself off the wall he’s been sitting on and walks towards the school. He doesn’t look back at Phil, no matter how much he wants to.

~~~

Dan opens up his locker, getting out his science book. A piece of paper tumbles to the ground. He bends down, picking and opening it up. There’s two boys sitting on a windowsill, facing each other. It’s a clear depiction of Dan and Phil sitting in Phil’s flat.

There’s a thought bubble above Phil’s head. ‘He’s so beautiful,’ the bubble states. Tears spring to Dan’s eyes. The words “cruel” and “ironic” spring to his mind. A single tear slides down his cheek and he quickly brushes it away. He grabs his book and slams his locker shut, shoving the now crumbled drawing into his pocket. He swears it’s burning a hole through the fabric. He hurries down the hallway, hoping no one sees him.

~~~

“You look like crap,” a familiar voice says. Dan looks up through his fringe at Iman. She’s standing next to their shared table, staring intently at him. He snorts.

“Thanks. I can feel the love,” His voice is flat, and he grimaces at her. Iman snorts and drops into her seat. She bumps her shoulder into his and he raises an eyebrow at her.

“I just mean that you look like that you’ve had a rough couple of days,” she says with a shrug. Dan sighs and drops his chin to his chest.

“You could say that.” There’s a moment of silence before Iman breaks it.

“I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Dan appreciates the gesture. Even though they had run in similar circles, they’ve never been close. Not until they started this class together.

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

~~~

Dan’s sitting on his bed. The only light comes from his bedside table. It’s casting a soft, yellow glow over the space. The world outside is dark and has been for a while. His eyes are red and tear tracks stain his cheeks. His whole face feels puffy. He runs his hands through his hair, twisting his fingers to pull sharply at the strands he can barely feel the pain.

Dan: I can’t do this anymore

He sends the text before he can talk himself out of it. It’s only a few minutes later that Phil texts back.

Phil: What do you mean?

Dan sighs.

Dan: It’s been fun, but it’s over now

Dan drops his phone onto his bed and stares at the wall.

Phil: Dan? What are you talking about?

Phil: Dan? Baby?

Phil: What’s going on? What happened?

Phil: Baby?

Dan tosses the phone to the far side of his bed. He wraps his arms around himself and curls over. Tears stream down his face and sobs escape from his mouth. His shoulders shake.

A few minutes later, there’s a knock at his door. Dan’s too far gone to even acknowledge it. Carter lets himself in after a few moments.

“Oh Dan,” he coos as he gets a look at him. He quickly crosses the space and settles on the bed against the pillows. He opens his arms wide, and Dan crawls into them, burrowing himself against Carter’s chest. Carter wraps his arms tightly around Dan and holds him close. Dan sobs, his tears soaking Carter’s shirt.

“Dan, sweetie,” Carter whispers and Dan cries harder. Carter brings one of his hands up and gently runs it over Dan’s head and down his back. “It’s ok. It’s ok,” he assures him. Dan shakes his head fervently, smearing his tears and snot across Carter’s shirt. “Yes, it is,” Carter responds.

“No,” Dan quietly wails.

~~~

The next week is the longest week of Dan’s life. The hours seem to drag along. Everyone around him seems to be moving at supersonic speed while he’s left standing still. He goes through the motions, not really registering anything around him. His patience is hanging on by a thread, threatening to break at a moment’s notice.

Monday brings a rumor that Dan is gay, spreading throughout the student body like wildfire. He can see the whispers and stares as he makes his way through the halls. He keeps his head down and curls into himself.

Each day brings a new drawing from Phil in his locker. Drawings of confusion, broken hearts, and desperate pleas for Dan to talk to him. They do nothing but drive the stake deeper into Dan’s heart and make him cry himself to sleep every night.

The issues with Phil come to a head on Wednesday. The note in Dan’s locker which wasn’t doing anything to help his already strung out mood. Phil gets behind him in line in the cafeteria.

“Hey.” Dan glances at Phil. There’s a small smile on his face, and Dan looks away quickly.

“Why haven’t you been returning my messages?” Phil asks. Dan slams food items onto his tray.

“Leave me alone,” Dan forces out through his clenched teeth.

“Please,” Phil begs. His voice is a pleading whisper.

“Stop. I’m not yours, and clearly I never was,” Dan spits out, whirling on his heels to face Phil. They’re a few hairs breath away from each other. Dan can smell the scent of Phil’s body wash and feel his breath brush against his skin.

“What are you talking about?” Phil’s eyes are wide with confusion. He’s frantically flickering them over Dan’s face as if all the answers are written across his skin.

“Leave me alone. I saw you at the party on Saturday. I saw the way Lily and you were all over each other. You two are nice together” Dan brushes past Phil and storms out of the cafeteria.

Later that night, Dan gets a slew of messages from Phil; he calls Dan “baby” and “sweetheart.” Phil pleads for Dan to talk to him;, that Dan just needs to hear him out. Dan silences his phone and curls onto his side, crying into his pillow, and falling asleep like that.

~~~

“You need to talk to someone,” Iman states as soon as she arrives to science on Thursday. Dan looks up at her. There are dark circles under his eyes and his face is puffy from the crying he’s been doing most of the week.

“Are you saying this because I look awful?” Dan’s voice is rough and Iman grimaces. She shrugs.

“A bit, but it seems like you’re going through a really rough patch.” It’s Dan’s turn to shrug. Iman reaches out and firmly places her hand on his arm. Dan looks up at her.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through,” Iman begins. Dan opens his mouth, but one narrowed-eyed look from Iman causes him to shut his mouth. “You never have to tell me what you’re going through, but you should talk to someone. This person should be someone that you trust.” Dan nods his head.

“I’ll think about it.” Iman nods.

~~~

During science, Dan texted Jonas. He asked if they could meet up and get food together. Jonas enthusiastically agreed.

The two of them take their food and make their way through the park. They sit on a bench, quietly eating their food. After they’ve finished, they sit in silence for a few minutes. They’re staring out at the other people making their way through the park. Dan’s stomach is twisted in knots. His head aches and his chest hurts.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says, breaking the silence. Jonas raises his eyebrows and turns to face Dan.

“For?” he asks.

Dan sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “For being evasive. For the party. I need to apologize to Alec for punching him.”

Jonas chuckles and shrugs. “I mean, yes, you should apologize to him, but he got in your face. I would have punched him too. We’re not mad at you, if that’s what you’ve been worried about.” Dan gives a wiry, tight lipped smile. Jonas bumps their shoulders together. “Hey. You want to tell me what has been going on with you?”

Dan sighs. His mind races as it flips through the past few weeks. “My mum is getting worse. I’m not sure how worse, but she seems to be losing it.”

Jonas frowns. “I’m sorry man. That has to suck.” Dan shrugs. They’ve been friends for long enough that Dan doesn’t really have to explain everything to Jonas. He just gets it.

“Is there anything else going on?” Jonas asks. Dan bites his lip and gives a small, quick nod. He can feel that this is the now or never moment; the whole reason that they’re really here. After a few beats, Jonas waves his hand in circular motion, indicating that Dan should continue.

“I think I’m gay,” Dan states in a hushed voice. He feels as if a weight has been lifted off of his chest. The feeling is instantaneous. All the baggage and emotions that he’s been lugging around for weeks seeps to dissipate, leaving a brief euphoric feeling behind. Then, he immediately begins to sweat as he waits for Jonas’ response. Jonas takes a beat and then nods his head.

“So the rumor is true?”

“Yes,” Dan whispers.

Jonas nods again. “Alright. Thanks for being honest.”

Dan moves his head backwards and his eyes become wide. “You’re not freaking out?” His voice goes up in pitch slightly. He takes a couple of deep breaths. His head is spinning. Jonas chuckles and bumps his shoulder against Dan’s.

“It’s not like you suddenly grew a second, purple lizard head. You’re still Dan. The only difference now is that you can talk to me about cute boys,” Jonas teases. He winks, and Dan lets out a relieved laugh. The knot in his chest loosens, and he sucks in a deep breath.

“So, what about Emma?” Jonas asks after a few minutes of silence. Dan sighs and runs his hand over his face.

“Remember that party at Cara’s house about a while back?”

“Ya. We were so high,” Jonas states with a big smile. Dan rolls his eyes and gives a dry chuckle.

“That’s where I met Emma. She offered me a drug and I said yes. We shared it with a kiss, passing the drug from one of our mouths to another.”

“She’s clearly a girl though,” Jonas interrupts. Dan nods.

“I’m aware. She’s boyish enough that I didn’t think of it at the time. Also, being high helped. Well, sort of.” Jonas quirks his eyebrow.“She tried to go down on me. I stopped her, but ever since then she’s been trying to get us together.”

“Haven’t you been dating her?”

Dan sighs. “In a way. I’ve been confused. I haven’t been entirely sure when it comes to my sexuality. Though, I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that I’m gay.”

“How so?”

“I like a guy.”

“Oh ya?” Jonas asks with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. “Is it me?” Dan laughs. “It’s me isn’t it?”

“No.” Dan shakes his head. “His name is Phil.”

“How’s that going?” Dan sighs.

“It’s complicated.”

“Are you going to tell the boys?”

“I need to apologize to them.”

“That’s not the answer. If you tell them, they’re going to be fine with it. Host a get-together, and we can tell them together.”

“Oh ya? Like we’re coming out as a couple?” Dan jokes.

Jonas laughs. “Yes. Exactly.”

~~~

“Dan!” Emma’s voice rings down the hallway. Dan sighs and slumps against the wall of lockers. Emma hussels down the hall, ignoring the other students who are staring at her.

“Yes, Emma?” Dan states as she stops right in front of him. Her eyes are narrowed and her face is pinched. Dan braces himself for whatever rant he knows is coming.

“You owe me the truth.”

Dan straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest.

“The truth about us. The truth about this rumor.”

“The rumor is true,” Dan states in a no-nonsense tone. Emma’s face crumbles.

“What?”

“I’m gay.” Relief floods his chest at his confession.

“Did we mean nothing?” Emma’s voice wobbles. She looks close to tears.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t you. It’s me.”

“Bullshit!” Emma cries.

“I’m sorry,” Dan states. He awkwardly pats her shoulder and hurries away from her.

~~~

The boys are sat around Dan’s kitchen table. There are drinks in front of each of them. They’re pre-gaming for a party later, but Dan’s unsure that he’s going.

“Have you heard the rumor going around?” Ryder asks. Jonas and Dan quickly look at each other.

“What rumor?” Jonas asks. Dan’s relieved that, once again, Jonas is taking charge.

“That Dan is gay. It’s crazy right?” Ryder laughs and takes a sip of his drink. Dan and Jonas look at each other. A wordless conversation passes between them. Dan clears his throat and looks directly at Ryder.

“I am.” His words hang in the air, heavy and weighted.

“You are?” Both Ryder and Alec exclaim. Their faces share matching surprised expressions.

“Yes,” Dan answers with a nod.

“Is that why you’ve been so secretive lately?” Alec asks.

Dan shrugs. “That’s part of it. I’ve only recently come to this realization. Also, I met someone.” Both Alec and Ryder raise their eyebrows.

“Do you have a boy-toy stashed somewhere?” Ryder asks in a teasing manner. Dan rolls his eyes and Jonas snorts.

“He’s not a boy-toy. His name is Phil, and we were seeing each other, but we aren’t anymore.” Dan looks down and takes a sip of his drink. The boys stare at Dan, waiting for him to continue. Jonas squeezes Dan’s arm and Dan gives him a half smile.

“Did he have a tiny dick?” Ryder asks, and everyone chuckles. Dan shakes his head.

“No. He decided that he didn’t want to be with me.”

“Did this happen at the party on Saturday?” Alec asks.

“In a way. I’m sorry that I punched you,” Dan apologizes.

Alec shrugs. “It’s all good. If I just got dumped, I would have punched something, too.”

“I shouldn’t have punched you, though. That was awful of me, and I’m truly sorry.” Alec waves him off.

“We’re all good.” Dan nods. They lapse into a silence, each quietly sipping their drinks.

“So when you have sex, who’s the guy and who’s the girl?” Ryder asks, breaking the silence. Jonas, Dan, and Alec throw their heads back in laughter. Ryder stares at them with confusion. “What?” he asks.

“I could ask you the same question,” Dan responds. This causes Jonas and Alec to howel louder with laughter.

Dan’s phone goes off, beeping and flashing from its spot on the table. He glances down at it; betting it’s either his mum send him a religious message or Phil begging for them to speak. Dan gives himself a mental cookie as he sees the message is from Phil.

Look out the window

Dan furrows his brow and frowns. He stands up and walks around the table, looking out of the kitchen window. On the pavement, underneath the streetlight, Phil is standing. Dan’s eyes go wide, and his mouth drops open.

“What is it?” Jonas asks, noticing the change in Dan’s body language.

“Phil’s outside.” Alec and Ryder turn quickly around so that they can stare at Dan. Dan’s phone goes off again.

May I please come up?

Dan becomes briefly lightheaded. He wants to say no; to stick to his guns and push Phil away like he’s been doing all week. On the other hand, he misses him. His body craves Phil’s warmth like it’s a drug.

“You guys have to go,” Dan announces, making up his mind. He types back an affirmation to Phil and places his phone on the kitchen counter.

“Your Phil?” Jonas asks. Dan nods his head.

“Yes. Now leave.” Dan grabs Ryder and hoists him out of his chair.

“You should let us meet him,” Ryder states as Dan shoves the three down the hallway. Dan’s herding them towards the back door that leads to the deck and another set of stairs.

“I need my shoes,” Alec cries as they stumble into each other. Dan stoops down and grabs the shoes, tossing them out onto the deck.

“Come on. We just want to meet him,” Jonas pleads. Dan shakes his head and pushes them through the door.

“No,” he states firmly before he shuts the door in their faces. He can hear them groaning on the other side, but he could care less. Not even a minute after he shuts the door on his friends, there’s a knock at his front door.

Dan swallows hard as he makes his way towards the front door. He takes a deep breath and then opens it. Phil is standing on the other side. He’s wearing his signature hoodie and jean jacket combination. Dan flicks his eyes up and down Phil’s body. He feels the way that his heart tightens in his throat, the breath catches in his throat, and his body starts to warm. They meet halfway between them, their lips clashing together.

Phil reaches out, taking Dan in his hands. Dan grabs Phil, pulling him close and into the apartment. Their bodies press against each other as Dan shoves the door close. Phil’s hands start to roam over Dan’s chest. Dan pushes off Phil’s jacket and Phil knocks Dan’s hat off his head.

“I-,” Phil starts when they’ve broken the kiss, each sucking air into their lungs. Dan leans in and catches Phil’s lips. He shushes him.

“Later,” Dan mumbles against Phil’s mouth. Phil nods his head and begins to kiss Dan’s neck, making his way down his body. Phil drops to his knees and runs his hands along the waist of Dan’s jeans, undoing them. Dan’s head tips back and his eyes close, his mouth dropping open as Phil mouths at him through his boxers.

~~~

The next morning, Dan wakes up in his bed with the sunlight spilling over his face. He stretches and then becomes painfully aware that he’s alone. Phil isn’t laying next to him as he was when they fell asleep the night before.

Dan sits up and glances around the room. Phil’s not in the room, nor are his clothes. Dan feels his heart clench in his chest, causing him to suck in a few shallow breaths. He slowly shuffles out of bed, half-heartedly getting dressed.

It’s only once he’s opened his door that he hears the noise. A quick glance at his phone tells him that it’s too early for Carter and Nora to be back already. With a furrowed brow, Dan makes his way to the kitchen. He stops short in the doorway. Phil is moving around, making breakfast.

“Morning,” Phil calls. His face is bright and open, as if he’s excited to see Dan.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks.

Phil rolls his eyes and turns back towards the stove. He pushes something around in the pan. “I’m obviously making breakfast.”

Dan crosses the kitchen and leans his right hip against the counter. There’s a slight frown on his face “I can see that. I thought you left.” Phil spins around on his heel and stares at Dan with furrowed brows.

“What?” Phil’s mouth hangs open slightly.

“You weren’t there when I woke up.” Dan’s voice is small and soft. Phil’s whole face softens.

“Oh, no. I wanted to surprise you when you woke up, but you got up before I could come back with food.” Phil steps close and wraps his arms around Dan, pulling them flush against each other. Dan wraps his arms the best he can around Phil’s middle and exhales softly against Phil’s neck.

Phil steps back and turns his attention to the food. He starts singing Teenage Dream loudly and off-key. Dan groans.

“What? You don’t like my singing?” Phil questions, looking over his shoulder and winking at Dan.

“I can’t believe that the man of my dreams likes Katy Perry?” Phil quickly turns off the burner and crowds close to Dan.

“I’m the man of your dreams?” Phil’s eyes are bright and full of wonder. Dan’s breath catches in his throat. Their eyes quickly roam each others’ faces before locking.

“Um-” Dan starts. Phil steps closer. They’re almost sharing breaths.

“Say it again,” Phil requests in a whisper.

“You’re the man of my dreams.”

Phil leans forward, bring his hands up and cradling Dan’s face in between them. He tilts his head and slotting their lips together. Dan melts into the kiss, easily returning the kiss.

~~~

Dan bounds out of bed Monday morning with a pep in his step and a smile on his face. He and Phil spent the whole weekend together, either cuddling or making out or eating in Dan’s bed. Dan’s extremely excited. Not even waking up to a text message from his father, wondering if the three of them (Dan, his father, and his mother) could attend a special church service together, could ruin his mood. He closes out of the conversation, deciding to postpone responding until later.

~~~

“How does religion feel about homosexuals?” Dan asks Iman. It’s science class again, and they’re waiting for it to get started.

“It varies from religion to religion, but most don’t come off as favorable towards them,” Iman replies.

“I can see that.”

“If someone uses religion to fuel hatred, then they really don’t understand religion. Religion is all about inclusion and acceptance.”

“Interesting,” Dan muses. It gives him a few things to think about.

~~~

Dan’s laying in bed, texting Phil. They’ve been talking about movies when Dan remembers the text from his father and his discussion with Iman.

Dan: I’ve been invited to a church service with my parents

Phil: Oh ya? Are you going to go?

Dan: Maybe. Would you like to go with me?

Minutes past and three little dots appear in the text conversation. Dan’s chest tightens and sweat breaks out across his forehead.

Phil: Yes

Dan’s chest eases, and he begins to breathe easier. A smile spreads across his face.

~~~

The next day, Dan’s standing a circle in the stairwell with the boys. It’s free period. They’re chatting, laughing, and hanging out to pass the time. Slowly, Phil walks up to the group. Aweary smile is on his face, and he’s looking directly at Dan. The boys stop their conversation and turn their attention to the newcomer. Dan can feel the nerves radiating off of Phil.

“Hey,” Phil says at Dan. Dan gives a small grin.

“Hey,” Dan responds. Phil comes to stand next to him. Dan can feel the other boys staring at him. He blushes and clears his throat. “This is Phil,” he says with a sweep of his hand in Phil’s direction.

“Hi guys,” Phil says. The boys greet him back, and there’s a few moments of silence before Ryder’s eyes go wide.

“No way! This is Phil? Your Phil?” he exclaims to Dan. Jonas and Alec laugh. Dan’s blush deepens, and Phil raises an eyebrow. He looks at Dan with a mix of amusement and confusion. Ryder quickly hurries towards Phil and hugs him.

“It’s great to meet you,” Ryder exclaims. Phil hugs him back.

“Great to meet you, too. Ryder, right?” Ryder nods enthusiastically with a large smile. Phil laughs.

“Just ignore him, he’s special,” Alec says as he steps forward, pushing Ryder out of the way. “I’m Alec.” He puts his hand out, and Phil grasps it.

“Phil.” They shake and nod at each other. Jonas steps up next and greets Phil. Dan watches the whole scene and can’t help smiling. Seeing Phil interact with his friends warms his heart. Phil steps over and touches Dan’s arm, startling Dan out of his head. Dan takes a slight step back. Phil doesn’t even acknowledge the movement.

“Hey,” Phil whispers.

“Hey.” Dan smiles at him, and Phil smiles back.

“I have to run, but I saw you and couldn’t resist saying hi.”

Dan nods his head. “I’ll text you.” With a smile and one last hand pat, Phil walks away.

“It was nice to meet you,” he calls as he reaches the top of the stairs. The boys call out a similar phrase. Phil walks down two steps before stopping. Dan and the boys are staring at him.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks with a roll of his eyes.

“You look so good, I can’t help staring. You’re gorgeous,” Phil calls out, before slowly descending the stairs; never taking his eyes off of Dan. One of the boys wolf whistles behind Dan, but he’s too busy covering his blushed colored face with his hands.

~~~

Later that night, Dan’s laying in bed and texting Phil. His flips over to his ongoing conversation with his father. The man is still waiting for Dan’s response to his question. Dan takes a deep breath.

Dan: I will go to the service with you and Mum, but I have a request.

Father: That’s great. What’s the request?

Dan: I would like to bring my friend

Father: That’s good. Your mother would probably enjoy the company.

Dan: It’s my boyfriend.

Dan’s father doesn’t respond right away. This causes the Dan to start freaking out.

Father: You have a boyfriend?

Dan: Yes. Is that going to be a problem?

Father: Maybe from your mother, but never from me. I love you, Dan.

Tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and relief floods his body.

Dan: I love you too

~~~

It’s Saturday morning, and Dan’s walking down the street, bundled up against the cool autumn air. He’s hurrying down the pavement, passing people leisurely going about their day. He walks into the coffeehouse, about five minutes after he’s supposed to be there. Phil isn’t there yet, causing Dan to breath out a sigh of relief. He grabs a hot chocolate and settles in next to the window.

Dan jumps as someone knocks on the glass. He turns and sees Phil standing outside. He’s smiling wide, and Dan smiles back. Phil breaths on the window and takes his gloved hand, drawing a heart on the window. Dan melts a little and breathes on the window on his side, drawing an arrow through the heart. Phil smiles wide. He signals for Dan to come outside.

“Hey,” Phil exclaims. He reaches out to take Dan’s hand, but Dan recoils. Phil’s smile falters slightly, but he nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. He fills out his smile and turns on his heel, heading down the street. Dan hustles to keep up.

“Hey. Where are we going?” Phil turns his head towards Dan and Dan’s temporarily stunned by brightness of his expression.

“We are going to a hotel.”

Dan furrows his brow. “A hotel?”

~~~

The hotel that Phil leads them to is nicer than anything Dan could afford. He’s stunned as they walk across the lobby at the grandness of everything.

“Phil,” Dan hisses, trying to get Phil’s attention. Phil ignores him and slides up to the front desk.

“Hello, I would like a room please.” Phil smiles wide. Dan shifts nervously.

“It will be one moment,” the receptionist states. Phil leans against the counter.

“This is my boyfriend,” Phil states, pulling Dan closer. Dan smiles wearily at the receptionist.

“You look lovely together,” she says, still typing on the computer.

“He’s extremely handsome. I think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. I’m going to marry him one day,” Phil gushes. Dan’s eyes go wide as he looks at the side of Phil’s head. ‘Marriage? We’ve barely been dating,’ Dan thinks. His mind slightly shorts out. The receptionist smiles at them and hands Phil the room cards.

“I wish you all the luck in the future,” she states. Phil heads off towards the elevators, and Dan follows in a daze. ‘Marriage’ is the only word repeating in his head.

They’re in the glass elevator. Dan’s stares out at the city. He’s in disbelief that they’re going up so high. Phil touches his arm, and Dan tears his gaze away from the scene, looking at him. Phil smiles and crowds Dan, kissing him. Dan smiles against Phil’s lips. Their hands come up and grasp each other’s, pulling them closer together as the kiss deepens.

~~~

Dan’s laying flat on the bed. Well, nearly flat. His head is propped up with the pillows. The soft sheets rub gently against his overheated, naked skin. The breath catches in his throat as he watches the scene in front of him.

Phil is as naked as Dan. He’s slowly crawling up Dan’s body, leaving feather-like kisses every now and then. Dan’s skin is tingling under Phil’s lips and the touch of his fingertips; which he’s been dragging over the already-kissed skin.

Dan’s bites his lips as Phil works his way up Dan’s chest. Their crotches rub together and each let out a soft moan. Dan leans forward and catches Phil’s lips with his own. Their tongues twist around each other. Dan brings his hands up and dances them over Phil’s back.

“I want you.” Phil’s voice is heavy with desire. Dan tries to convey his answer with his eyes and captures Phil’s lips in another kiss; pouring all of his unspoken words into it.

~~~

They’re sitting on the floor of the room. Dan is leaning against the foot of the bed in only his boxers. Phil’s wrapped up in a sheet and leaning against the wall. Room service is spread out between them. Two orders of burgers and fries along with a bottle of champagne.

“So we’re getting married?” Dan asks, poking at Phil with his foot. Now that things have slowed down slightly, Dan can finally articulate the question that’s been rolling around in his head. Phil smiles wide and takes a large sip of his drink.

“Yes. Yes we are.” He sounds so sure. Dan bites his lower lip.

“Really?” Dan’s voice is full of disbelief. Insecurity is creeping into his chest. Phil reaches out and grasps Dan’s ankle.

“Yes.” He’s looking deep into Dan’s eyes, and Dan starts to relax. Phil’s eyes always put him at ease.

“Why?” Dan smiles, but he’s out done by Phil lighting up the space between them. Dan can feel himself melt. He’s briefly transported back to sitting on Phil’s bicycle, feeling as if he’s sitting on top of the world.

“Why wouldn’t we? I love you.” Phil goes back to eating as if nothing had happened. Dan’s heart takes a few moments to start beating again. His breath catches in his throat. ‘Holy shit,’ is all he can think.

~~~

It’s late, and something brings Dan out of his sleep. He doesn’t want to open his eyes and hopes that he will slip back to dreamland easily. There’s rustling in the room. Dan groans.

“Phil?” Dan calls out. His voice is deep and heavy with sleep. Also, partially muffled by the pillow his face is half smushed in.

“I’m going to go out. Go back to sleep,” Phil says, moving to another part of the room. Dan groans again and waves his hand.

“Babe. Come back to bed.” Phil shakes his head. He moves through the room again.

“In a minute. I’m going to go get food. I’ll be back soon.” The door opens and then shuts.

Dan’s sleep addled brain is slow to process Phil’s statement, but when it does, he bolts straight up. He scrambles out of bed and tears through the room. All of Phil’s possessions, including his clothes, are still in the room. Phil isn’t. Dan scrambles to get dressed.

The elevator takes forever to reach the floor and Dan half considers taking the stairs. Just as he moves towards them, the elevator arrives. He dashes inside and hits the lobby button. He presses the door close button over and over, as if everything will happen faster if he presses it more frequently.

Dan pushes open the hotel’s front door and swirls his head around. The whole area is deserted. He turns right and starts running down the street, looking everywhere for anything that looks like Phil. He’s frantically calling Phil’s name. He’s circles around the hotel, but he can’t find him. He pulls out Phil’s cell phone and dials the first person he could think of.

“Lily? I can’t find Phil.”

~~~

Once Dan had gotten off the phone with Lily, he sprinted to the next street over. Phil’s nowhere to be found there either. A text from Lily sends him running back towards the hotel. He as a cab pulls up in front. Lily steps out of the cab. She’s illuminated by the closest street light and, right at this moment, Dan thinks she’s an angel.

“Lily. Thank god,” Dan calls as he stops in front of her. Relief floods through him. He was close to tears from worry, but Lily seems to have answers.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she screams. Dan is taken aback.

“What?” he asks with confusion.

“How could you let him out of your sight?” Dan furrows his brows.

“Do you know where he is? I told you, he walked out when I was dozing back off.”

Lily huffs. “He’s been picked up by the police. No thanks to you.” Lily turns her back to Dan.

“I didn’t know he was going to run off naked,” Dan shoots back.

“He’s bipolar. He’s been manic the whole time you’ve known him. Stay the hell away from him.” Lily storms off, leaving a bewildered Dan standing on the pavement.

~~~

Monday’s weather is a reflection of how Dan feels inside: dreary and grey. The weekend feels like a weird fever dream. After Lily left him on the pavement, Dan returned to the hotel. He gathered all their belongings and checked out of the hotel. He’s thankful that Phil had paid for the room before they checked in. All Dan had to cover was the room service.

Dan had tried to contact Phil, but his calls and texts went unanswered. He begins to worry. He spends all day in a fog, not really noticing life happening around him. When he gets home that night, he googles bipolar disorder. Then, he spends the rest of the night flipping through the results.

~~~

There’s no word about or from Phil by Wednesday. Dan’s mood had kept slipping lower and lower with each passing hour. It comes to a head during lunch.

“Could you please tell us what’s going on?” Jonas asks. Dan looks around the table. Both Alec and Ryder are looking at him with concerned expressions. Dan sighs and drops his head down.

“I think Phil and I are over.” Dan looks up at the boys through his lashes. The boys have matching confused expression.

“Why?” Alec asks.

“You guys seemed so happy just a few days ago,” Jonas chimes in.

“He’s Bipolar and apparently has been manic the entire time we’ve been together.”

Jonas and Alec’s eyes are wide. Ryder’s brow is deeply furrowed.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“He never told me, and then Saturday, he went running naked through the street. I haven’t heard anything since that night. I guess it was the peak of this whole episode.”

“Do you like my mother?” Ryder asks after a moment. It’s Dan’s turn to furrow his brow.

“Yes. She’s awesome.”

“She’s Bipolar.”

“Really?” All the attention turns to Ryder. He nods.

“She has good days and bad. When she’s up, we would do great and sometimes random things, like, going on random trips to amusement parks. When she’s down, it’s struggle. She stays in bed and is low for a while. Even with medication, she still struggles. It’s worth it, though.” Dan’s brain glitches out. He’s known Ryder and his family for years. How he had never noticed, he will never know.

“So they can have lasting relationships?” Dan asks.

Ryder nods. “Yes, but sometimes it isn’t easy.”

“So was our relationship all a lie?”

Ryder shakes his head. “No. It more so enhances what the person is already feeling. Who told you that he was manic the whole time?”

“His ex-girlfriend.” The boys roll their eyes.

“Of course she’s going to say that, she’s the ex,” Jonas states. Dan nods.

~~~

Father: Are you and your boyfriend still coming tonight?

Dan sighs as he reads the message. It’s been a few weeks since everything went down with Phil. Honestly, he had forgotten all about the service. His heart clenches. He had been looking forward to introducing Phil to his parents. That was before that fateful Saturday and Phil basically dropped off the face of the earth.

Dan: I will, but he won’t be

Father: Why not?

Dan: We broke up

Father: I’m sorry to hear that. I’m here for you if you need anything.

Dan smiles and warmth spreads through his chest as he reads the last message. Despite their issues, it’s nice to know that his Father cares for him.

Dan: Thank you I will

~~~

Dan’s parents walk arm-in-arm into the church. He’s following a few steps behind them. Candles are lit everywhere, and people in their Sunday best are filling the sanctuary. Dan shuffles into a pew next to his parents.

The priest takes his place at the pulpit while the choir settles in behind him. The priest starts to speak, but Dan tunes him out. Dan’s phone buzzes for a long time against his leg. He pulls out his phone as discreetly as he can. The choir is starting their first song.

Phil: I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I didn’t tell you about my Bipolar Disorder because I wanted to believe that it didn't matter. That I could have you like me for me. I see now that it was all a mistake. I’m so sorry. I’m at the spot where we first met and I’ve been thinking about everything we went through. I don’t regret our time together, but I understand if you do. Good-bye Dan. I’ll always love you.

Dan’s out of his seat before he can even process what he’s doing. He’s moving as fast as his feet can carry him, holding onto hope that he can make it to the spot before Phil does something drastic.

~~~

He skids to a stop at the bench. It’s empty. Dan’s heart clenches in his chest. He turns in a quick circle. The area around is the pub is deserted. His eyes frantically scan the area, but nothing changes.

A noise behind him causes Dan to jump. He spins around as the door for the pub opens. A dejected and pale looking Phil walks through the doorway. He’s bundled in multiple layers and has a backpack hanging off his shoulders. He slowly shuffles out on the pavement. Dan lets out a sigh of relief.

Phil stops about a foot away from the door. He looks small, scared, and sad. Dan quickly crosses the distance between them, stopping right in front of Phil. They stare at each other for a few moments, and then Dan opens his arms. Phil takes two steps and presses himself close to Dan. Dan wraps his arms around Phil. He feels the weight being lifted off his chest, like he can finally breathe again.

Dan takes Phil back to his place. They strip down to t-shirts and boxers before crawling under Dan’s covers. Phil falls asleep like he hasn’t slept in days. Dan stays awake all night, watching Phil sleep. Slightly worried that if he nods off, Phil will disappear, and this will all have been a dream.

~~~

Phil's phone buzzes and Dan frowns. He quickly picks it up and glances at Phil. He stirs, but, thankfully, doesn't wake.

“Hello?”

“Dan? Oh thank goodness,” Lily states. Dan frowns.

“What?” He’s confused as to why Lily would be wanting to talk to him.

“Look I need to apologize. I reacted horribly the other night when you called.”

“It was a bizarre situation. I don't blame you.” Lily sighs.

“It's not just the other night. It's what you represent.” Dan’s brow furrows.

“What I represent?” he parrots back.

“Phil and I were together for a very long time. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes, I could only think to the next minute to make it through. Then, you came along and I had to face the end. I didn't handle that well.”

“I don't blame you. I didn't mean to come between the two of you.” Lily sighs.

“We were over long before you came into the picture. We were both clinging to the past and neither had a reason to end it. Then you showed up and gave Phil a reason.” Dan’s heart flutters.

“I see.”

“Take care of him.”

“I will.” they hang up without the formalities of good-bye.

Her words tumble around in Dan’s head as he returns to watching Phil sleep. He knows that their relationship won’t be easy, but they’ll be able to work through everything together. Standing hand in hand, taking things minute by minute, they can take on the world.

~~~

“Hey,” Phil states when he wakes up the next morning. Dan gives him a small smile.

“Hey,” Dan whispers.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

Dan reaches out and cups Phil’s cheek in his hand. He gently rubs his thumb across the skin. “I’ll always come for you.”

Phil closes his eyes briefly and slightly leans into Dan’s touch. “You shouldn’t have to. I should have been honest with you.”

Dan shrugs with one shoulder. “It’s ok. I can understand why you didn’t tell me. I’m not mad. We will just have to work through it.”

Phil rubs his head against the pillow, trying to shake his head. “You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

Dan shakes his head. “I want to deal with everything when it comes to you. You make it worth it.”

Tears form in Phil’s eyes. “It won’t be easy.”

Dan nods. “I know.”

“What happens when things get tough?” Phil’s voice comes out as a painful whisper.

Dan thinks for a moment. “We’re going to play a game. It’s called the ‘Dan and Phil: Minute by Minute’ game.”

Phil gives Dan a half smile. “How does it work?”

“We will take everything minute by minute. When one minute becomes hard, we will wait for the next minute to come and move forward.” Tears start to slide down Phil’s cheeks. He moves forward buries his head in Dan’s neck. Dan holds him as tight as he’s able to.

“Thank you,” Phil says right into Dan’s skin.

~~~

It’s the end of the semester, and Christmas is right around the corner. Everyone has taken over Dan’s flat for the party. He’s not even complaining about hosting. He, Phil, Carter, and Nora had spent the whole day before decorating. The tree looks fully decorated. The lights twinkle where they’ve been strung around the flat, giving off a warm, soft glow.

Dan walks through the living room, smiling at various people as he walks by. He finds Phil standing in the kitchen, slowly sipping a soda. Dan smiles wide and slips his arms around Phil’s waist, pulling him close.

“Hey. Missed you,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s shoulder. Phil throws his head back in laughter. He places a kiss on the top of Dan’s head.

“Missed you, too.”

“Oi love birds,” a voice shatters their private moment. Dan reluctantly pulls back and finds Iman standing just inside the door to the kitchen.

“Yes?” Dan asks with annoyance. Iman rolls her eyes and smiles. She pulls something out of her pocket and holds it out. Stepping closer, Dan gets a better look at it. It’s a small bag of weed. “Is that?” he asks. Iman nods. Phil furrows his brow.

“It’s your ten percent.” Iman drops the bag into Dan’s waiting hand.

“Why are you giving Dan weed?” Phil asks.

Iman smirks. “He knows that he’s earned it.” Dan chuckles as he slides the bag into his pocket. “Happy Christmas,” Iman calls as she leaves the room.

Phil turns towards Dan. “Are you going to tell me what that was about?”

Dan shrugs. “Maybe someday.” Phil wraps an arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. Dan slips his arm across Phil’s upper back.

“Are you going to share?” Phil asks.

Dan laughs and shakes his head. “You know you can’t have any due to your meds.” Phil pouts and tightens his grip.

“You’re mean,” Phil states. Dan chuckles.

“You love me,” Dan declares.

Phil smiles wide and nuzzles into Dan’s hair. “Yes, more with each passing minute.”

Dan pulls back and smiles wide. “I love you too.” They share a sweet, gentle kiss.

Dan pulls back and stares at Phil. Happiness overflows his heart. He knows things will never be easy, but moments like this will make everything worth it. Dan leans in again, capturing Phil’s lips with his own.

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