Brianna Jay

Welcome to the blog that talks about my story. Philadelphia, PA. 19 years old. Personal IG: only1.bri

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Dear September 5th

Dear September 5th, 

Dear September 5th, 

Today is the day where I gained a hatred for you, you took away my best friend the only person who was in my corner at all times no matter what I did whether it was right or wrong. Why did you think that was okay to just take somebody away from all they knew? Nobody understands what the everyday struggle is until they live it. Its been 4 years and I still sometimes just feel like I can’t live, can’t eat, sleep, or do anything the same routine anymore .. September 5th you scarred me for life... I remember just walking in and not even feeling right to “we had no other choice” really messes you mental up, trying to process the words “no other choice.” What does that even mean, I guess you were trying to teach me everything that I should never take anything that I have for granted because it can be taken at any minute September 5th you knew I wasn’t ready I was only in 10th grade, 15 years old how was I supposed to deal. Nobody knows, September 5th the day after my favorite celebrity birthday something me and him shared that’s what made us closer, waking up in the summer because he’s blasting “ If you like it then you should of put a ring on it,’ or “ This girl is on Fireeeeeee” that's what we shared that made us closer music, late-night work trips knowing I had to be to school the next morning but I guess that was my way of not going to bed early because I had the privilege to travel all around Philadelphia to check on workers or just night out too get a super late dinner because we know he was always hungry. 

But September 5th you tore my family apart, you made us go distant, no more BBQ’s, Pool Parties, or even low-key basement parties that eventually got around Facebook and turned into a full out DonSims house party those were the classics. September 5th why couldn’t you just wait to come a couple of more years later, I guess I couldn’t just be mad at you right, you probably didn’t even know any better just thought you were helping him out, but only hurting the family... September 5th why couldn’t you tell him to just fight a little longer and harder. Not knowing what lifestyle to live not knowing to follow in his footsteps or just create a journey of my own. Crazy how in a matter of seconds your life can change without any notice, without you even knowing your next move. September 5th even thoug I don't like you I am thankful for you, youve taught me how to live, how to do, how to live without having my wholeself. Waking up day and wanting to dial (215) 432-**** just to say what you doing man, can you come pick me up, I just call just to hear your voicemail I guess that's good enough right ?

But Until we meet again September 5th.. I'll leave the rest for you to do.. 

Sincerally, 

  The Kid You Left Scarred. 

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Your Wings Were Ready, But Our Hearts Weren't.

The end of August-early Septemeber was when my life had taken the craziest left turn. I lost someone who was half of my world... Still unknown but on a piece of paper, it says septic shock, whatever that means right. Anyway, I don't remember much but I remember getting the call saying you were in the ICU at Einstein hospital and I knew from there it was little hope to see you home again. I remember coming to the hospital after school for a week straight and the first day seeing nothing but tubes and machines helping you breath just was confused on why or what was happening. I know you heard me crying saying "this isn't you please wake up" crazy because I know you probably were thinking if this girl doesn't shut up. You were my person so how was I  supposed to shut up. Week one went by and everyday mommom cried because she didn't know what or why this was happening to us. You left us with no explanation, without warning so how were we supposed to cope with no answers? September 5th, 2015 was the last breath you were able to take, nobody ever heals from losing their person sleeping became harder, crying became easier, laughing was the hardest because the tears would be able to take over at any given second. I never thought in a million years you would leave before I could walk down any aisle weather it was graduation or me getting married. I feel like you gave up on us and on yourself, the person who tells us to not give up no matter what the circumstances were giving up wasn't an option, but you gave up why? Why did you leave us the way you did? I would give anything to have you back or to just see or hear your voice just one more time because every day I want to call your phone and say are you almost done up there and is it almost time for you to come back. I love you and even though things look different down here we haven't forgotten about you. 

Love, Brianna 

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Girl 💕

Go to school and get good grades because you are expected to; Come home and do your homework; You may not have company on a school night;

This is how you deal with puberty; Wash up and make sure you spray perfume but not too much; This is how you deal with body odor; This is how you deal with cramps and periods;

This is how you make new friends; This is how you gain trust in your friends; This is how you keep your friends close and your enemies closer; But how do I know you won’t be mad?; This is how you act when you go to fancy restaurants; When you go out with your friends, make sure you are being classy and not trashy;

This is how you grow up; This is how you wake up on your own; This is how you become independent and learn how to not depend on a man for anything; This is how you deal with feeling alone like nobody understands you; This is how you turn your dreams into reality; This is what you do when you meet doctors and lawyers that you admire;

This is how to protect yourself while having sex; This is what you do when and if you get pregnant; This is how you grow up with just one parent;

This is how you deal with relationships; This is how you trust a man; Get you a man that treats you just like your father; Just like a princess; I mean this is how to keep the man you want to be with because if you don’t know, you lose him; So you’re telling me I’m not supposed to react when he doesn’t treat me right; How do you get him;

This is how you deal with abuse; Abuse?; Don’t fight the man back; Don’t go through his phone; This is what you do when you find out he’s cheating on you; Don’t you dare buy that new phone he doesn’t deserve it!;

This is how to make a house a home; This is how you be a mom; Cook, clean, wash his clothes, take care of your kids; Learn how to discipline your kids; This is how you start a family; This is how you deal with your mom telling you that you’re going to be unsuccessful; Maybe it’s because she is jealous of you, duh; 

Am I not allowed to wear whatever I want to impress a guy and make him look at me more then he looks at my friends?; This is how you don’t be a slut because the way you are going I know you’re probably going to become one, I know it; no, I’m not saying that I’m saying just don’t dress slutty; All I’m saying is, be yourself;

This is how you manage your money; Keep new clothes, your nails & feet done, and most importantly keep your hair done; This is what you do when you don’t have any more money; No, not what you think?; Then what do I do?;

This is how you respect yourself and others; You have siblings and cousins to babysit; This is how you are supposed to leave the house;

This is how you take care of mom even though she isn’t sick; This is how you make sure she isn’t crying at night because she misses Pop Pop; This is what you tell her when she starts to feel done; I’ll let her know that she’s the most beautiful woman I know and that she is my best friend forever; This is what you say to Mom-Mom if she tries to convince you to go away to college;

I’m going to say what about you I just can’t leave you here alone; This is how you become you; It’s time to spread your wings and fly; But what if I don’t want to?

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Who I Am ?

I am Brianna, I am a 19year old girl from Philadelphia Pa. I am creating this blog to tell a story, to guide young teens hat go through troubles, from growing up to finding out who they really are and being their true selves I believe that each individual has their own identity but sometimes they are afraid to be their true selves because they are afraid of what society and the social world will think. On this blog, I promise to make this a safe space to say and think whatever you want as long as your true authentic self.