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30750) It’s hard for me to be friends with people that are skinnier than me.

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Bulimia is not a long haired girl with sad face that is leaning in front of the toilet. It’s a swollen face with vomit that is draining down the chin. It’s a fucking bleeding from the nose.

Anorexia is not a skinny girl who shyly refuses eating a muffin. It’s hair on your cold and emaciated body.

Depression is not a model with flowed mascara who is looking on the sunrise. It means staring at the ceiling with red and tired eyes ‘cause you lost the last motivation to close them.

Self-harm does not mean handsome guys kissing your arms and saying that you are perfect. It means disgusting scars that will stay with you forever, it means painful shower.

Anxiety attacks don’t mean hugs with the person who loves you and listening to their quiet whisper. It’s a panic ‘cause you can’t breath.

Mental illnesses are not beautiful. They don’t make you special and “right” person. They are the monsters destroying your live.

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read this out loud:

• I am allowed to take a break today

• It’s not selfish to put my feelings and health first

• I need to remember to care for myself

• I should be allowed to express myself, I am lovely as I am

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A pen is just a pencil for more confident people.

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I Remember

I remember when I could go to a party and not eat a single bite because I was fasting. I remember when I could walk thru my kitchen and leave with a glass of 0 calorie herbal tea. I remember going days without food and feeling in control and at peace. I remember the feeling of hunger pulling my mind away from all other distractions. I remember stepping on the scale and seeing the numbers drop. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my bones start to show. I remember running my hand along my side and feeling my rib cage. I remember seeing the bones in my hands and wrists becoming more defined. I remember my legs becoming smaller and forming a thigh gap. I remember carrying something against my side and it hurting my hip bones.

I remember all of this.

Now I can’t see a package of Oreos without eating them. Now I can’t go into the kitchen without eating some disgusting piece of food. Now I can’t go hours without wanting to eat again. Now the hunger makes me give in to food. Now I can’t step on the scale without the numbers going higher. Now I can barely see my bones beneath all of my fat. Now I can hardly feel my rib cage. Now the bones in my hands and wrists are practically invisible. Now my legs are back to being elephant legs. Now my hip bones are cocooned in disgusting fat.

That was then. This is now. Soon will be the future.

I won’t continue being this disgusting fat worthless piece of shit. I can’t give in to food any more. I won’t give in. I will be strong so I won’t just say “I remember..” but “now I am.”

I’m gonna make myself thin, pretty, beautiful, and perfect. I have to do this.

If only regrets burnt calories...

#ana #bulimia #mental health #struggling #depression