Scratching That Systematized Itch #1 - Communication
If you’ve come to a blog called ‘Organized and Owned’, you’re probably expecting a certain kind of Type A content — so, have no fear, it’s finally here! Thus begins a series of posts I’m calling “Scratching That Systematized Itch.” My goal is to resonate with those perverts out there, like myself, who like a little control with their control. I enjoy lists, planning, and documentation in my everyday life, so it only makes sense that I’d bring that with me into my kink, especially when there’s so much to account for!
Everyone who experiments with kink understands how important communication is, no matter how long you’ve been kinking it up. So, that’s my first focus for this series: talking it out.
There are so many ways to communicate that it’s impossible to list them all, much less weigh one against the other, but here are some great ways I’ve found to communicate in a clear way:
Journaling
Having your sub journal is one of those age-old rules that a lot of Dom(mes) have tried, but there’s a reason it’s a standard! Whether it’s because of the weight of the power differential, a slave’s difficulty expressing their feelings aloud, or many other reasons, journaling serves to bridge a gap between in-the-moment D/s communication and secret, innermost thoughts. By ordering their s-type to write up all their worries and thoughts, a D-type can really see what’s going on in their property’s head without having to worry about issues of shyness or disrespect. As a Top, you can say, “I want you to journal your feelings everyday,” in a stern voice and be relatively sure that your bottom is going to use that resource to let their feelings out. Of course, you can be skeptical and say, “But how can you know they’re being honest?!” to which I respond, “How can you know anyone’s being honest?” Honesty is implied in relationships in the BDSM sphere in a lot of ways, mostly because of all the trust we practitioners put in one another’s skills, bodies, minds, and emotions.
“At Your Leisure” Letters
This is a catchy little term I thought up to be a placeholder for those communiques one writes with their Master in mind — that is, it’s not quite like the introspective journaling — that aren’t necessarily emergency issues. My D-type, whom I call Sir or II, and I have a special shared document in which I write letters to him. Sometimes they’re daily, weekly, bi-weekly, or whenever the urge strikes. We call our shared Google Drive document (Google Drive is perfect for this, by the way!) our “thoughts doc”, and it serves as a midway point between journaling and emailing. I like it because it’s not as static as a journal that the Dom may only check periodically, but it’s not as demanding as an email; it’s a collection of short letters that sit, waiting for his attention. Of course, thanks to the way the program works, I also have the option of emailing him when I’ve written in it. This is purely psychological for me, of course, in that emailing him through a program differs from a personal email in very few ways, but it works for me. A note of warning, though: these “docs” can sometimes be quite long to load!
Daily Emails
An email at the beginning or end of the day is a great way to reconnect with your partner(s) and re-enter your dynamic headspace. Both my kinky roommates and II and I use or have used emails to communicate. Whilst I was away this Summer, II and I agreed that I would report to him about my daily meals and outfits, and that any missed emails on my part would result in punishment. My roommates use their daily emails to help maintain a sense of contentment and thankfulness on the part of my s-type roommate, whom I’ll refer to as Little A. Little A is expected to write emails, nightly, about the things which made her happy throughout her day. Big A, her Dominant, expects this mindfulness of her for a multitude of reasons, of course. However these emails are used, they serve a clear, communicative purpose which is easily followed and easily punishable.
Limits, Agreements, and Contracts
Of course, in BDSM, we have discussions of limits, overall agreements, and relationship contracts. Whether you’re playing with a new partner or discussing a new scene with your spouse, limits are crucial and we must keep them in mind at all times. Agreements stem from discussions about wants, needs, and limits, and they serve to keep things in perspective. Though I am owned, I am not a slave, per se, so II and I have an agreement based on rules and protocol rather than a contract. And that’s our choice. Our agreement runs the gamut of a clear-cut outline of rules and protocol to a less-clear-cut list of aftercare and other pieces of our relationship we’ve hammered out. I was the one who took the liberty of typing up our agreement, but it has proven to be a useful tool. Sir is not necessarily the “I told you so” type, but I am… and our written agreement has our dynamic listed out for us both to refer to in any cases where we disagree about expectations. I may not always be victorious when I refer to the agreement, but it’s certainly helpful to have a reference point. Contracts are more formal agreements which may or may not be even more strict in their wording. While our agreement already reads like a legal document, there is nowhere that II and I have signed and dated. Contracts are much more likely to seem like binding legal understandings, much to the arousal of the contract’s intended sometimes!
Communication takes infinite forms, just like BDSM does. These ways of communicating are just a few ways that I have experience in, that have worked for me, or that are popular amongst other kinksters. I offer them to you in an attempt to show you how lovely they are for those of us who like organized lives. So, pull out some paper or pull up Microsoft Word and make yourself a list of ways you’d like to communicate in your relationship. Whether it be super strict or more like personal discovery, there is room for it in your kink!
Until next time!
xo,
C