Facebook memories just made me remember that when I was a teenager, I used to like writing notes about whatever it is that was in my head— mostly about relationships. I was definitely young and dumb, but my notes were somewhat valid because I was in a relationship or a situationship lol.
This made me want to start writing it again, but because I have not been in a romantic relationship for so long (haha), I am actually triggered to write about how healing comes in waves.
I was too young to define whether the relationship that I was in was toxic or not. But coming out from it, I felt a carved loneliness for the very first time. It was not my first letting go of someone, but perhaps because of my age, I was more aware and conscious about what my heart was feeling. I had to hit my own chest because hurting my physics would somewhat lessen the heartache—or so I thought.
I clammed. I cried. I shut up and shut down. I pretended I was busy, but I went to the bathroom and cried. Apparently these moments were still very vivid in my head, and that made me wonder— if I have not forgotten about it, does this mean that I have not healed, am not healing, and am bound to my past?
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There was this time when I was still vulnerable and a person came around, trying to just be there. I was not ready. I kept creating lines and tried to find their most littlest mistakes, so it could convince me that this was not the right timing, and that person is not the right one. I had to create a fake sense of being in control rather than leaving it to an unforeseen open ending, because I fear abandonment.
On and on, when this person finally got tired of waiting and actually left, I would wonder— Was I not that worthy? Was it that easy to leave me out? Am I not special?
I blamed the timing when I shouldn’t have blamed anyone, really. I shouldn’t even have blamed myself, because I hadn’t known better that time.
Flings after, it was easy to shove everyone off. I was prioritizing myself, my growth, my interests. I was surrounded with friends, I didn’t have the time to fall in then loneliness pit. I didn’t realize that the wall I built is now sky-high.
Years passed by, everyone close to me had moved on to a new life stage. Instead of jealousy, I’m only feeling strong and independent. I literally treat myself like a queen, and I’d accept no less than what I deserve. But this time, loneliness creeped in and stayed a little more while before I push it off again.
Believing I am now standing invincibly on my feet, I said “Okay, let’s try again. Let’s see where this goes. No matter what they did to me, I’d still feel good about myself anyway.”
Boom! Jinxed.
I felt worthless. Again.
The cycle repeats: they came - I created lines - I pushed them away - they left - I felt worthless. Why am I still feeling this way? I made sure that I had 100% confidence in myself when trying it out. Why do I sink still?
Being more honest now, I finally talked it out with some of my closest friends and they reminded me that healing is not linear— it comes in waves. Ah, right. Why am I so hard on myself?
Some days I’d feel invincible, my self-love soars— but someday I may fear abandonment, I might cry over defining my self-worth based on how much they are willing to love me.
But hey, after every cycle, it takes me a shorter time to get back up. Once I realize it’s time to get out from my head’s loop, I swim to the surface and I’m fine again. I always go back loving myself. This is my kind of ‘healing comes in waves’.
No matter what kind of healing you need to go through right now, even with those battle scars, you don’t need to be ashamed of anything. Do remember to go back loving yourself and treating yourself right, because no one can love you more than you do, ya? :)
#healing