june @pandaprincess7 - Tumblr Blog

May 7

it's just how i get

choi san x male reader

contains .. angst , hurt / no comfort ? , plot , major character death , hanahaki disease , unrequited love ?

wc : 6.33k

a/n : this says male reader but it could be g/n cause i don't really mention the reader's pronouns (i think)

a/n 2 : i appreciate feedback since this is my first fanfiction !!! and also shoutout to @deukaedalso my goat for beta reading...

on the dimmest days possible, the glimmer in his crescent-shaped eyes were enough to soothe your irritability. it was always something that led to you and him together; today; it was an annoying lecture from one of your shared morning classes. already bad enough that you had to go to that class, but the professor's tone of voice was especially aggravating on this occasion. you returned to your dorm with furrowed brows and a light migraine, and as you took off your shoes and placed your bag to the side, you continued on into the living room with a glout. but once you saw him sitting on the couch, face turned to you with a smile, you forgot about everything except for how he looked.

the two of you were sat on the furniture, his head on your lap as you watched the same show you always did from when you both were kids. neither of you actually payed attention to it — the tv was more background noise while he and you would chat about anything. work, stress, projects where you were paired with people who were obviously going to do nothing the entire time... he made everything seem tolerable. he made you feel content.

that wasn't something you'd admit to him nor anyone, however. you could barely admit it to yourself most nights, when it was just the darkness and the moonlight that accompanied you in your bed. you'd cough a little and tiny petals would erupt, but it didn't come across to you as alarming at the time. now though, in the same routine, what was once scattered and few have now become full corollas.

yet you still behaved as though nothing was the issue.

…

unfortunately, it appeared that you were staring at him for too long. san looked at you with a confused face, his eyes gazing back into yours. it almost seemed like he'd gotten lost in your own, but he quickly smiled as he thought of something to grab your attention.

"... is that a lazy eye i see?"

hearing that, you blinked rapidly and refocused. he was still laying there on your thigh, waiting to see what you'd do. his shirt was tight yet wrinkled, allowing you to eye his gains, his hands rested on his stomach, and his hair was ruffled. you wanted to sift your hands through it. i

while rolling your eyes, you punched him on his shoulder — in response, he held the spot and feigned hurt. after a second, though, he opened one eye and was met with your unamused face. his falsely contorted features changed into a soft smile. his smile was your favorite thing about him ... one of many of your favorite things, actually. you could write an entire book just about one of his traits.

sitting up, he placed himself shoulder to shoulder with you. "what are you thinking about?" he questioned casually.

you couldn't say you were thinking of him, obviously.

"just… our annoying professor." a little white lie, a pout added in to make it more believable. you continued to ramble on despite not actually caring that much, and he watched you with genuine interest in his dark brown eyes. nonetheless, interest isn't love.

after almost becoming immersed in him once again, you quickly sat up and excused yourself to the bathroom. he watched the small of your back as it disappeared into the room down the hallway. these... trips... had become more common recently, and though it worried the bulkier male, he didn't pry into the reasoning behind it. he just assumed that you were drinking more water lately. it was a naïve thought.

…

while he went back to watching what was on tv, you were hunched over with your head hanging over the bowl, your arms rested on the seat.

you were sure this felt worse than vomiting. not because of the fact that considerably sized flowers gushed out from your throat, but because of what it reminded you of. the fact that your friendship was just that — friendship. you felt gross for feeling this way, and so you said nothing of it… even if it would lead to your ruin.

wiping your mouth with your sleeve — not that there was anything to wipe — you stood up and flushed away what was kept in your heart. you were afraid to ruin something you cherished so deeply, and the best you could do was hope that this would go away with time.

…

it didn’t.

months later, your relationship with him is still the same; you haven't tried to change a thing. this arrangement is fine with you. it's better than fine.

even though you’ve now had to don a more conservative style of clothing and you've learned to do makeup, you don't want to change a thing. as long as san keeps that gaze he only had for you... that love in his glare, though platonic as it is.

you couldn't deny that it was getting hard to live like this, however. as you lived in the same dorm as san, everything you did had to be executed without alerting him to the truth. even your home clothing was thick in their fabrics and oversized to boot. to say it was trifling would be an understatement.

the flowers, rather than just being excreted from you, have now begun to sprout from all over your body. the branches they grow from follow along your nervous system. your actual veins had become more prominent and adopted a shade of brown, even on your face; it was why you picked up makeup. it made you insecure.

san even commented on it one time, talking about how he was surprised and how he "never saw you without makeup anymore." of course he wasn't against it, but he did say (jokingly) that he missed your bare face. that man didn't understand how his words made you feel. your heart clenched, and though you didn't grasp at your chest, you wanted to.

you remember the first time the flowers grew from your body. it occurred while you slept, and you awoke to a painless yet bulging sensation, the sight of a pink rose and branches on your forearm. it worried you so much you finally relented and went to the doctor, who immediately suggested surgery once they saw the effects of your love. though you would come out of it healed and no longer threatened by the disease... you'd lose all that you felt for your dormmate. your closest friend.

any normal person would risk the surgery and give up their feelings. but, of course, no one is ever both: reasonable and in love.

you decided not to do it. though left with the stupidity of your decision, you at least still had him, choi san. he still smiled at you, still hung out with you, still watched that same boring kids show with you. the only difference is that he can't lay on your lap now nor touch you at all. you remember the first time that happened — you made up some dumb excuse he looked at you with his hurt, confused but beautiful eyes. it hurt your heart to deny him this, but you just couldn't. it felt wrong for him to touch you now, as much as you craved it. not when your body was littered with your repressed feelings for him.

…

at this point, all you wanted to do was ask yourself, "why can't you just move on?"

the answer is that you won't. you’re stubborn and you can’t let go.

because of your choice, it got bad— it got really bad. the flowers continued to grow on you to an alarming extent, and your voice was hoarse, close to inaudible even at your loudest. you lay in a bed of a variety of flowers: yellow chrysanthemums, tulips, daffodils. you didn't even like yellow.

college has practically become a thing of the past. you can't even remember the last time you came out of your room and attended a lecture; there are rare moments where you’ll bother to open your laptop and do an assignment or two. the only reason you're able to stay in your dorm is because your efforts in high school resulted in a full ride. blood, sweat, and tears, now in vain because of a boy. but he was a boy you cherished deeply. on the other hand, you're sure that you're on some serious academic probation.

what you're unsure of is how you still make it through each day. your strength is limited, but you still manage to get up and scour for food whenever san isn't home or when he's asleep. you have to move quietly and lightly, fearing the branches that've encompassed your body have become brittle due to a lack of sunlight and food.

despite all that, all you can think about is how you miss him.

…

choi san, though not aware of everything happening, wasn't completely stupid. he obviously noticed the first few times you stopped doing your little traditions together, but he tried to chalk it up to you just being sick. it got to a point when he rarely ever saw you anymore.

one day, he tried to investigate. "... hey. what's going on? i haven't seen you in a while." san knocked on the door before resting his hand on the wood, followed by his forehead.

it took you a while to respond, what with flower petals stuck in your throat and all just from hearing his voice. what came out of your lips was a pained mumble, and the man had to lean closer to the door with his ear to hear it.

"i'm fine. i'm just a little sick, so don't worry about me. it’s a bad cold is all."

obviously it was a lie. a bad one at that. san's brows furrowed, but he didn't press you. instead, he walks off into his own room, closing the door harshly— almost as if he were slamming it. he was clearly frustrated, frustrated that his best friend had been avoiding him, but also frustrated that you weren't fine and were lying about it. he slumped onto his bed, sighed, and turned onto his side.

…

it was on one of those moments when you went outside of your room that the worst possible thing that could've happened, happened.

you turned the knob of your door ever so slightly so as to not wake san up, and your footsteps were just as quiet even with the extra weight put upon you by the branches and the flowers. you muttered a "fuck" when you stepped on a creaky plank, stopping immediately to see if there was any reaction in the other room.

to your misfortune, there was. san's door swung open and he rushed out as if he’d been waiting for this — you felt as if you could've died then and there. you would've much rather preferred that, to be honest.

"hey," he called out, inching closer to you. your back was to his face, and each step made your heart pound.

"what's up with you? you can't even bother to come to the door when i ask if you're okay. i’m worried."

it came off meaner than he meant for it to be, but he needed to get it out. he needed to express his feelings; the opposite of what you were doing. once he got near enough, his hand reached out for your forearm. you were absolutely frozen with fear.

"please, don't touch me," you whispered softly. san's hand didn't stop moving.

once his hand felt the sleeve of your sweater, he hesitated, and you felt that. there was something weirdly solid and out of place under it, but he didn't pull away. instead, he easily turned you around to face him. san’s features soured with unease at what he saw.

there were tiny corollas of amaranths blooming from your skin, and pronounced brown, rigid veins that mapped your face. though you tried to look away in shame, san's hand reached up to move your attention back to him. he could tell what was going on immediately.

"who's... who's been making you feel like this? why haven't you told me anything? you know that we're supposed to be here for each other; do you know how long we’ve been friends?" he moved his hands to your shoulders, ignoring the odd feeling. the shimmer in his eyes yanked at your heartstrings.

clearly he still didn't understand everything, so you knew this wouldn't be too hard to lie about. "it's just over some guy that hasn't noticed what i've felt. i was... thinking of getting surgery, i've just been hung up over it. yeah."

the latter part wasn't truthful at all, though the former had hints of it. just the thought of getting rid of san in your heart hurt.

"then you better get to the hospital right now, cause you look like you're in the later stages! you don't understand how worried i was for you— not even mentioning how i feel right now," the bulky male spoke before grabbing your hand and trying to head outside. unfortunately, the wood on your body made it hard to move quickly, and you yelped when he yanked your arm forward.

…

after countless apologies from him, you were now being bridal carried to his car. the only emotion that could express what you were feeling was embarrassment. besides that, however, you were trying not to puke out flowers all over choi san's chest. he looked incredibly focused.

…

the drive was uncomfortably quiet, but you could tell his mind was riddled with thoughts. who it was that you were smitten with, who'd even think of ignoring your feelings... why you even waited for it to get to this point. he never once pried into your love life, so this was all relatively new to him, seeing this side of you. he wasn't opposed to it.

at the hospital, the doctors told you the same things they did almost a year ago now, though with more urgency. and still, you didn't want to undergo any surgery. why was it so hard to let go — why couldn't you at least say something? it annoyed even you.

but with san in the room while they rambled, it made for a good distraction. you stole glances from him while he was the only one that actually paid attention. he wasn't even the recipient of the information. the man attributed your detachment from the situation to what you were physically ailed by every second, and so he simply summarized all they'd said into a few sentences. you were too focused on his lips to acknowledge his words.

because of how serious your condition was, you were hospitalized and assigned a room. for the few days you were there, it didn't get lonely at all, and you were never bored; san always visited you, kept you up to date with the latest things happening in your friend circle and in his life. him being around made the pain bearable. you were honestly surprised he stuck around even after seeing you in such a state. he really was a good friend, a good guy. though embarrassing to say to yourself, he was your heart's treasure.

…

as if the heavens conspired against you, you were reminded of reality. one day, he came in with an especially gleeful expression, his whites obnoxiously apparent. sitting down where he usually would, he began to ramble about his day — nothing out of the ordinary. it was only when he brought up a man that you tensed up. this was new, unexpected. it was unwelcome.

still, you couldn’t be upset. that would be inconsiderate to him when he came to visit you every day. you were the person he felt safe enough with to talk about these things. but… but the way san talked about him reminded you of how he spoke... about you. the only difference was what his voice carried with each word; it was budding love. you immediately wanted to throw up, and not flowers. it would be more like your heart this time. of course you let him keep speaking, and of course you pretended to be happy for him… though after a while, your leaking heart needed a moment.

"... san-ah, can you go call a nurse? i'm just feeling weird." you said casually, holding a little bit of raspiness in your voice and heavy-lidded eyes to sell the act. completely clueless, he complied with your request and walked out of the room, unaware that the atmosphere had become uncomfortably tense. with this time alone, you could only stare out of your opened window. the breeze that passed through the curtains soothed you as best it could, but the tears began to run down your features without care. the sun was calm and the cars passed by each other without a care. trying to distract yourself, you focused on the idea that real people were behind those wheels; it didn’t work. all that you could think of was how his eyes gleamed when speaking about this man. why had he never done that when talking about you? you’re sure you would have heard about it from a shared friend, but that was never the case.

when he returned with a doctor instead, you quickly wiped your tears away and greeted them both plainly. he, the doctor, questioned you about what the problem was, but you quickly dismissed it.

continuing to look out the window, you gave in.

“i think i’m ready for the surgery. when’s the earliest we can schedule it?”

you didn’t try to steal any glances this time. choi san was such a sweetheart, but he wasn’t yours. all you wanted was for him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with you.

you didn’t see his face, but san’s expression was troubled. what had happened in the span of him leaving and coming back for you to accept a surgery you held a clear distaste for? he noticed your fib the first time. he just couldn’t notice that his words held such an effect on you. to him, the two of you were best friends. he was sure of that… was he?

…

the day came, but it wasn’t like you were waiting for it excitedly. instead, the weather seemed to amplify your existing mood. the sky was a monochromatic gray, and the clouds prevented any sunlight from shining through. you sat in your dull hospital room, the sound of the monitor beeping driving you insane. it was one of those days where it seemed like it’d rain, and you hated those days— you enjoyed the sunlight, mostly because of who it reminded you of.

… speaking of, after that day, san hadn’t been coming by as often. he still visited, but it felt like it was out of pity. something shifted, and you understood why, and it was fine. it’s not like he owed you anything. your conversations together weren’t as lively, and he was always checking his phone every few seconds; you knew who he was waiting for a text from, and it bothered you considerably. why come visit you if all he did was focus on someone else? you never made your feelings about this known, though your expressions may have let loose some semblance of what you tried to hide.

you wondered if he was coming by today — not that you cared. it wasn’t like he was the cause for all this; it wasn't like the crevice formed between the two of you broke your already ill heart anyway. it was just a “special occasion,” after all. today was meant to be the day he’d lose you.

…

whether it was lucky for you or not, he did arrive. he knocked delicately three times before coming in and setting his bag on the table besides you, sitting down a chair away from you. ot stung.

you knew it was him and nobody else because of two things: the doctors made themselves known, and nobody else came to visit you. your parents weren’t aware, and your other friends thought it wasn’t a serious condition thanks to san covering for you. if your parents knew about this… you’d never hear the end of it. the fact he was the only one who cared enough didn’t hurt your feelings, to be honest — you thought that, as long as you had him around, that everything would be fine. at least, that’s what you used to think. you’re not sure what you think now. but you are sure that you’re not willing to be a third wheel between some random man and the guy you’re head over heels with.

saying that to yourself embarrasses you, and your ears redden in hue. because of his own nature, you can assume that the other person is a sweetheart, and you feel a slight wave of regret wash over you. why are you pivoting all of a sudden? you didn’t care a few weeks ago. are you finally getting nervous about the operation? will you let your feelings loose, just this once?

san breaks the silence between the two of you: “do you think you’re ready? for the surgery, i mean.” his voice isn’t warm, but it’s not cold.

you behave as if his standoffish behavior isn’t literally killing you. you put your forearm over your mouth and cough, and a white lily falls onto the blanket covering your lap. you aren’t sure what this flower means, so you disregard it.

“i’m not worried about it.”

“…”

he awkwardly clears his throat. “you know, you never said anything about who this guy was, the one that put you in this situation. i just thought you’d have told me, considering we’re best friends.”

was he seriously using that against you right now?

“we were best friends until you decided to spend all your time gushing over some dude.” you muttered to yourself, but you didn’t even care if he heard. and that he did.

“excuse you?” san squinted at you, almost surprised at the venom in your voice. it wasn’t pronounced — your voice barely had any strength in it , anyway — but it was still strong enough to where he could feel the bile that placed itself in your words. it was strange… not once in your friendship had you two bickered.

“it seems like you heard me, didn’t you? unless you want me to waste my time repeating what i just said.” you were harsh, but it was raw and unfiltered. it was built up from everything that’s developed rather recently, and for some reason, you believed today to be the right time to let it out. you didn’t stop to think about the aftermath of this. in all honesty, you just couldn’t picture yourself without choi san belonging exclusively to you, and you to him.

“... that’s not fair.” he fought back, body language rigid and facing you. you didn’t reciprocate; you simply looked out of your open window, a habit you’ve adopted in your stay at this annoying hospital. you were too scared to see his expression. “hey. look at me and tell me those same words.”

you didn’t.

coldly, you responded with an “i don’t owe you anything.”

“but you could at least tell me why you’re behaving so weirdly — why you’ve BEEN behaving weirdly! you’re mean now. you’re… you’re not acting like my best friend, like the person that’s supposed to be closest to me. you agreed when we were kids, that i’d be your mountain and you’d be my meadow. this doesn’t feel close to that. what did i do? please, tell me.”

his voice cracked with that last sentence, and you felt your heart crack with it. it annoyed you, the way he didn’t see what he was doing to you, but god, why couldn’t he just get it? and why was he bringing that up at this time? you could feel your spirit being wrung out dry. he fits his namesake.

“...”

all you had to say was, “i don’t have anything to say to you.”

there was silence, and then there was the sound of him picking his bag up and heading out the door. nothingness resumed afterwards.

your neck began to hurt just staring out of your window. it wasn’t like there was anything interesting out there, and so you turned to face where he stood. of course, however, he wasn’t there. you wished he was, even with what just happened.

a coughing fit cut through the absence of noise, and flowers of different kinds poured out from your throat and onto your bed. it was different this time. the bright colors they often displayed were now tainted a crimson shade.

…

you should’ve known that today wasn’t going to be in your favor. not when it was your least favorite weather, and not when you’d awoken to a layer of your love covering you.

the fluorescent lighting above irritated your eyes as you were being wheeled to the operation room. inside was just as dismal and uncomfortable as the outside: dull colors, and a sinking feeling that something was going to go wrong. you just didn’t know what it was going to be this time. you looked around at the surgeons pushing you as they carelessly talked about their day and what they’d do after completing this surgery. it must be nice, getting to this point of your life and not having to deal with the strife of college. it just hit you, the idea that you’d be going back to your normal life after this moment; normal-ish life, that is.

your thoughts immediately circled back to choi san, and a weak chuckle left you. you really messed that up. maybe you wouldn’t be in love with him anymore, but could you guys still be friends after all that? you hope so, that a simple conversation about what happened will bring your relationship onto the path of healing.

it’s weird, how calm you feel. you’re uncomfortable, of course — anyone would be uncomfortable in a predicament like this. you’d much rather be sat on your little couch back in your dorm, with him laying on your lap. but nonetheless, you’re surprisingly not worried. maybe today won’t be so bad after all.

one of the surgeons placed an oxygen mask over your face.

“just count back from 1000 by 7,” one of them told you while making sure everything was prepared.

you didn’t understand; you weren't the type to do math like that. you’d rather focus on choi san, since this would be the last time you’d ever think of him like that. … silky black hair, sugary dark brown eyes, and the prettiest smile that turned his eyes into crescents. you’d have preferred that to be your last real view rather than the monotony of cars driving on the highway.

……

the sky became a hostage to dark gray hues; weeping clouds invaded, their heavy droplets muffled the sound of sobs. underneath black umbrellas, a pitiable, small gathering of grieving individuals huddled closely beneath a tree, ignoring the fact that they were all strangers to each other. the heavens appeared to grieve alongside them. the group consisted of an aunt, a few acquaintances of the deceased, and an individual that was once special to them.

in front of them laid a tombstone made of marble, the craftwork fresh. a familiar name was etched into the material, done with care and respect for who it belonged to. beside it was a closed coffin— the rain was too harsh for it to be open, though the attendees may not have wanted to see what had happened to the individual inside anyway. the funerary box was made of material that the deceased’s relatives believed fit his character: wenge timber with roses carved into the sides. the inclusion of flowers seemed inconsiderate, ill-timed.

after a period of silence, the casket was gently placed beneath ground level and covered by the earth; it was a little difficult because of the rain, even though a tree had done its best to block some of its harshness. a quick speech from the aunt was said, and everyone shared a few words of their own except for that special someone. he simply watched everything play out; when the coffin was being set down, the male felt his heart sink.

…

it was too sudden.

choi san didn’t cry, and he didn’t know why that was the case.

it poured and poured long after the ceremony had finished, the atmosphere giving the impression it would be permanently stuck with the feeling of loss. but, despite that, not a single tear fell from his arid eyes. though he physically attended the funeral, his mind was stuck looping the same few events, thinking over and over about what went wrong.

when the two of you had gotten into your first verbal altercation, san left your hospital room choked up. you two were like peas in a pod, and not once had you ever argued… at least, that was the case until that moment. it confused him, the reason why you two fought in the first place; he thought back to what you said, and how you mentioned him being overly focused on someone else. why was that such an issue? you didn’t seem upset when he first brought him up, so what changed? he shared that with you because that’s what best friends do.

the morning after your surgery, san was conflicted. the day of your fight remained fresh in his mind, and the male was afraid that it would happen again. he didn’t want to see you still upset with him, but at the same time, he really wanted— he needed to check in on you. you were important to him, whether the two of you were on bad terms or not.

once he arrived at the hospital, he tried to set up a visitor pass so he could see you… to no avail. the nurse at the front desk mentioned how there was no one with your name in their system anymore, and that confused him. you couldn’t have left… he hadn’t seen you once at the dorm, and your room remained untouched whenever he returned from his classes. san’s insides began to feel heavy with a sense of dread.

the older male went around the hospital looking for the specific doctor that had tended to you.

it took a bit to find them, but when he recognized their familiar face, his steps turned into strides.

“excuse me,” he stopped by the doctor’s side with urgency in his voice. “do you remember me? i… visited often, for one of your inpatients. i just tried checking in, but the front desk said they weren’t admitted anymore.”

he watched the specialist’s face become solemn in expression.

“yes, i recognize you. were you two together?” they asked out of nowhere, surprising san.

“... no, we weren’t. just really close friends.” the bulky male replied. it weirdly felt as if gears began to turn in his head.

“right. i apologize for the assumption; it’s just that whenever you left, i’d come by to check in and i’d find new flowers on his bed.”

“... did he ever throw up flowers around you?” they continued.

san’s brows furrowed. “just once. it was the day he had his surgery.”

“i see.” the doctor cleared his throat. “there were… complications… that arose during the surgery. we only contacted his parents since they were the priority. i’m sorry for your loss.”

…

the drive back from the memorial service was long, and it was quiet aside from the raging storm within san’s head. though there were countless thoughts rushing through his mind, there was only one image that was present: your body, dull, lifeless, and littered with petals. he practically begged them to be able to see you, even if he knew what he’d see would haunt him. just one last time, he needed to see your face.

it was the first time he saw the brown offshoots which circumscribed your entirety; of course he’d felt it already, but you always kept the hospital blankets over yourself so he wouldn’t be even more concerned than he already was. you both cared for each other an equal amount, even if you were the one in a worse condition than he.

he parked away from his usual spot, for someone else had taken it. the man didn’t even bother to run so as to get under cover away from the rain. he let its sorrow soak him — there were no crescent-shaped eyes, no silky and scruffy black hair, no smile that reminded one of an angel. there was only a lustreless stare, drenched locks, and a blank face. san arrives back to your shared dorms and takes in the emptiness of the space. it didn’t feel right without your complaining and your papers littered across the floors as you studied for a class that you’d probably just end up cheating in when push came to shove. it was lonely, and that loneliness was suffocating.

he looked around and sat at your favorite spots as if that would give him any warmth. on the furthest left side of the couch, on the tiny bean bag you placed in his own room, and on the comfy dinner table chair you’d purchased from ross. all this only made him feel worse. he actually sat on the couch twice — one time sitting in the same spot you did, and another laying down. he imagined that the cushion underneath his head was your thighs, but it wasn’t the same. it was uncomfortable, both the texture and the absence of you. he thought of the way you would stare down at him as he would talk about the stupidest things ever, and your eyes were soft and caring. you never once ignored him.

…

from this position, he noticed your room. you hadn’t been back. … you won’t be back anymore.

you never got to close your door or lock it from the time he’d taken you to the hospital, though. when he took you to the hospital… san remembered how you felt in his arms. it was uncomfortable for him because of your disease’s development, but he didn’t care. it was you he was carrying, after all.

reluctantly, he got up from where he laid and made his way to your room. it was scary for him — he worried that he wouldn’t be able to bear being in there. each step felt heavier and heavier, and the hall seemed to stretch farther and farther until your room felt like it was miles away. he needed to breathe.

he thought of you in order to keep him going. when he arrived right outside your door, however, he proved himself right. the moment he took even a single step into your room, he was hit with your smell. it was soft, sweet, and subtle, but the scent still clearly belonged to you. san took another breath, and then another, wanting to keep a part of you with him… but your scent didn’t last. neither did you. he continues to look around your room, eyeing everything that made you you. the stack of papers from multiple lectures that you never used, the mountain of plushies on your bed, the photos on the wall of you and your friends, though it was mainly just you and him. he focused on each individual photo, thinking back to the memory behind them and weakly smiling.

god, he missed you.

choi san sat down on your bed, and eventually laid down. there were withered petals scattered along the sheets, but he couldn’t care less. he just wanted to feel you again. it was when he turned around that a tear finally fell, and the reinforced dam came crashing down. he felt stupid for not noticing anything early on, and he felt guilty; guilty that he didn’t notice your love until now, the love that was killing you on the inside. san pulled out his phone and opened his photos app. he didn’t even have to go far, for it was the only thing he had favorited.

you two decided to go traveling on one of your academic breaks instead of going home, and you wanted to take pictures under a willow tree.

“aren’t they pretty?” you asked, your eyes focused on the long, lance-shaped leaves. you reached up to touch the drooping tree, and your features softened with content. choi san didn’t reply to you — he was lost in the moment. he thought you looked beautiful.

“stay just like that,” the male mumbled under his breath. he knew you well enough to know that weren’t good with pictures, so he didn’t alert you. slowly, san reached for his phone from his pocket and opened the camera app. after quickly finding the best angle, he took several photos to save and edit for later; these would be a secret, just for his eyes.

after putting away his phone, he finally responded to you. “yeah, they are pretty. i remember you said that they were your favorite kind of tree.”

you nodded. “when i die, i’d like to be buried under one of these. i think that sounds nice.”

“it does. but i’d like to be buried alongside you. we are two peas in a pod, after all.”

there was sadness in your smile after hearing that, but you continued to focus on what'd been in front of you while choi san stood back and admired what he saw.

he had no idea the effect his words had on you… nor did he understand the effect they had on himself.

…

choi san continued to lay on your bed until he'd fallen asleep. curled up cuddling your pillow, his phone still open and playing your favorite song, with fresh petals lying in front of his face.

a/n 3 : in this fic , falling in love with someone deceased results in a terminal version of the disease (ㅇㅅㅇ)

#kpop x male reader #choi san x male reader #choi san #ateez x male reader #choi san x reader #Spotify #kpop x reader #gay #angst

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