Love, P.

Chasing dreams & in the process of loving herself more. Young yet capable of doing something great & better things.

[emotionalwords]

overthinking ain't no joke, that shit eats you up on the inside

[patreesiya]

and when things go rough, i go back here...

I recently tried to reconnect with someone i used to date. No, it's not because we have some things we need to clear out, or maybe we did? The truth is, he's been on my mind recently.. why? I don't know either.. maybe because he liked one of my Tiktok post? maybe he visited my profile a couple of times? or maybe i'm just assuming things.

Just to give you a background.. we dated 3 years ago. He was the guy I dated when I was not fully ready to commit. He was that sweet guy that every girl could wish for. He is caring and remembers every tiny bits of you. He's that guy and he is my almost. We almost got together but back then, for some reason I'm still feeling lost. I feel overwhelmed with all my feelings. I was confused that sometimes I compare him with my ex (which I know is wrong, okay? I just can't help it) and I guess that's one of the reason why I decided to end things between us.

Fast forward to this day, I messaged him. I really thought this time would be the right time for us. The time where all what ifs and what could've beens will end right then. We cleared things out and just laugh about the silly things happened in the past. But then, the universe just slapped me hard. I found out he has already found someone. But who am I to feel bad about it. I was the one who left him years ago and now he's happy.

And here I am.. writing here. All the what ifs and what could've beens.. it's haunting me, really. I had zero motivation to work today, to be honest. As much as I want to keep myself busy, the universe won't let me. Here I am feeling everything, feeling overwhelmed.. and feeling sad for the things that should've been. Now I'm writing him a letter to let my feelings out.

To the guy I am talking about in this post:

Hi, we agreed to keep being friends.. but how can we? But I just want to let you know (Even though you won't be able to read this haha) I am happy for you and I am so proud of what you've become. You were so innocent back then. A guy from the province suddenly went to the city. You were so lost yet you were brave to try new things. Now, as we catch up, you were able to recommend foods that I should try. I guess we really bonded over Japanese foods huh? I hope you stay happy and you keep exploring with things you deserve. I'm happy for you and thank you. As i've said to you, I'll just smile at you when I saw you from afar. No Hellos and definitely No goodbyes. :)

[patreesiya]

I guess life would be more meaningful if you do whatever your heart desires. So as they say — life is short.

[patreesiya]

Tomorrow, another milestone will happen yet I don't feel excited nor feeling like I achieved something. :-( is this really where I'm supposed to be? is this how it should be?

[slfcare]

ten years ago you were so scared of such different things, but you survived them anyway. the same goes for five years ago and two years ago. everything that has ever felt like a hurdle, you’ve passed through. so be afraid, identify your fears, and then allow yourself to remember that in just a little while, this will be another thing that you have overcome.

[patreesiya]

FILM

I still remember how I started using film cameras. Just a little background, I really love love loveee taking pictures. I'm the type of person who believes that photos are forever. When I'm bored, I usually check my photo album and reminisce about the memories of those pictures, it brought a lof of different feelings that I haven't felt for so long. There's happiness, pain, longing, loneliness, and love. Which brought me to this moment. I got curious and excited when I first used my film camera. Excitement.. since I have no idea how the pictures went, like is it good? bad lighting? I was clueless.. which make every roll and every shot precious.

My first film camera was Kodak M35, I bought it last 2021, since I believe it is beginner friendly.. It is btw. However, I did not study film, like where will I use my flash or when not to. Sooooo, after I develop + scan the roll, there were a lot of bad shots. Lighting/Exposure were too much hahaha. Well, there are good shots too. (just a few). Buuuut! i did not give up, I got thrilled more.

My second film was Yashica Auto Focus. I bought this online last 2022, and I was really excited to use it. I'm proud to say that there are so much good shots than before. (yes, I knowwwww). It is still with me but the flash were not working anymore (sadly :-( ). Anyways, even if there's no flash, it still can give me good shots ( I believe haha).

Soooo here we are.. sharing my shots.. don't judge meeee! this post is really just for me and I just want to post this in my blog. BUT! feel free to view. 😎

Ok end of my post, these are just shots from my Kodak M35!! I name this my "good shots" Lol.

[patreesiya]

This lingering feeling that I did not choose to feel.. the feeling that I was hoping for somebody. Why did my heart chose a wrong person? why does it have to be him? The simple things he did, the way he cared, the way he looked at me.. It can't be. This can't be.. now that you're with somebody else. I guess this time is my time to heal for the unsaid feelings and will remain hidden in my heart. This writing will be the end for the story that did not even start.

[thepersonalquotes]

[patreesiya]

You'll matter, self.

[patreesiya]

you know what's funny? It's when you're important to them just because you're convenient. Whenever they need you, you will always be there for them but whenever you need them, there will always be an excuse. :)

[patreesiya]

wish I could forget but those memories keep me going.

[patreesiya]

Isn't ironic how I keep telling them I'm okay, that I've moved on but now that I'm alone, I know that there is something missing, something that my heart keeps looking for...

[resqectable]

“Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.”

— Iain S. Thomas, Intentional Dissonance

[destroymylife]

[patreesiya]

Wishing for somebody else’s happiness is like wishing for your happiness too. 

[patreesiya]

Heart’s tired,

But I love you still.

[patreesiya]

Minsan mapapaisip ka na lang talaga kung ano ba ang nagawa mong mali para iwan ka na lang niya.. Oo, sinabi niyang sarili niya ang may pagkukulang at gusto niyang ayusin yun at ayaw niya na madamay ka pero bakit napapaisip tayo na baka tayo naman talaga ang may mali? na tayo ang may pagkukulang? na baka di sapat yung atensyon at pagmamahal? baka di ko nabigay lahat? bakit ang daling iwan na lang yung relasyon? relasyon na binuo ng ilang taon at pagmamahal sa isa’t isa na iisipin mo na siya na talaga.. pero biglang sumuko.. biglang binitawan lahat... hindi ko na alam..