i dont know where else to put this
What the dont tell you about living your dreams is sometimes its not what you thought sometimes its all the things youve been afraid of
everyone congratulates you for getting to go where you wanted to go and doing what youve always wanted to do and you know you should be happy so you pretend because youre supposed to be and why else would you have chosen to do this?
but what they dont know is how big your 32 square meter apartment feels
how youre having to completely start over with everything you took for granted including who you are
you want to make friends but your tongue doesnt know how to tell jokes in the language that once brought you comfort and how do you make friends anyway? it didnt used to be this hard
youre used to being the best at everything you do and if not the best well then at least ahead of the curve except here you dont know anything and you cant seem to stop messing up
you know youre still learning but it doesnt stop the guilt of being a failure because you know everyone at home is expecting you to succeed
the few people you feel you can talk to about this insist that itll get better that tomorrow ill be better but its been 3 months and every day feels worse
so youve started answering their how are you's with im fine's
and you sit on your floor eating dinner for one (because whats the point in getting a table if theres no one to sit at it?) and you pretend the voices in your podcast are talking to you because you havent been touched not even tapped in 3 months
its so lonely and you dont want to get out of bed you want to scream im not okay if only you could find the air but youre drowning and you dont know if youll make it
so you write this. and you set your alarm for 11:30pm. 1:30am. 4am. with the hope to remind someone youre still here. in the hopes that if someday youre not theyll notice.



















