– ODETTE KNOWS WHY THIS NEVER ENDS. she does, and she knows it’s her fault – halfway. because they keep hanging on to something that never seems to make sense, hoping things will change, and odette can’t let go of this idea that someday, it’ll fall into place. that every night will be like the ones she loves best, that every day will go back to being spent exchanging smiles, waiting for each other in the hallways. “you know – you know what most people do when they need a distraction? they find a hobby, pierce!” odette says, still with no right to be angry, “they, you know – they take up knitting!” this is said with little regard to the ridiculousness of the notion, because pride be damned. she doesn’t want to think of him with monica, how good of distraction she must be. does monica make him forget her? does it work? – but she doesn’t ask that. she doesn’t want to know the answer.
maybe he doesn’t mean it, but his words HURT. they hurt the most because he’s right, even if they do frame her as just as fucked up as he once said she was. no good person would treat someone they loved that way. odette doesn’t know what else to say, eyes brimming with tears, and she doesn’t know whether she even wants to fight for him or to just let it go. at this point, there’s no correct answer. “i do love you,” she says quietly, seeing no point in hiding it now. “i love you so much.”
her eyes lift to meet his, shifting on her feet. she doesn’t have any pride left at this point, showing up his door, upstaged by some other girl, called out for all of her past mistakes. “and i’m…i’m so sorry.” just ten minutes ago feels like years ago, a fleeting moment in time where she thought she deserved him, where she thought everything could turn out fine.
everything about his words cut deep – but it’s his bitter laugh that hurts the most, disguising pain. she hears his admission, that he’s hurting her over and over, but she also hears that he still wants her – and she doesn’t know what to do with that information. is this it? is this really how it ends? “pierce…” she says, instinctively reaching out for his hand, tugging him back toward her.
“you can’t just say things like that as i’m…i’m trying to leave.” after all, it doesn’t change the fact that there’s still another girl in there waiting for him – there’s a reason this private conversation is taking place in a hallway. “i can’t tell you what it all means, because i don’t know.” but what she does know now is that nothing is right without him, that her days are a dreamlike haze and she constantly craves the clarity that being near him provides.
odette isn’t sure what to say, how to solve this if there even is a solution – “maybe, just…give me a call when there’s not another girl waiting for you in bed,” her words aren’t bitter this time – they’re sad. “okay?”
pierce realizes he would’ve been content to live in their cycle of a close few moments only for it to lead to uncertainty, distance, and avoidance. hell, he’d wanted that even when he approached her in the music room. it was better than the other option. he isn’t trying to make her feel like he’s not taking her serious, but at her suggestion with such earnestness, he can’t help but feel as if he has to fight back a laugh, biting down on his lip. it pays as a reminder as a subtle reminder of how much he loves her, but it’s mixed with regrets, because he knows he should handle these things in a more conventional way. ❝ you think -- you think i should take up knitting instead of sex when we’re broken up? ❞ his voice wavers as if he’s trying not to laugh when asking.
he knows he shouldn’t be so harsh with odette, in fact he doesn’t want to be. he wants to protect her from the harsher realities of his feelings because he cares so goddamn much about her. it’s an instinct of comforting her he has to fight. but what only pulls on his heart more is just how forlorn her sentiment comes out as. ❝ hey, ❞ he coos under his breath as he realizes just how fucked up his words came out, he could kick himself sometimes. ❝ i know you do. i’m not -- ❞ then he lets out a sigh. he hates how just hearing her say the words makes him feel so... affected. as if he’s finally able to breathe again.
he wishes things didn’t feel so impossibly complicated, especially in a moment like now where all he wants to do is comfort her and tell her everything’s gonna be alright. but he has no right to, when he has no fucking idea if it actually will be. even the way she says sorry, makes him recoil away from his defensive demeanor moments ago. ❝ i’m the one who should be sorry, okay? ❞
he knows this is the perfect opportunity to maybe severe them despite everything in him not wanting to do that. but he can tells how much he’s hurt odette at this point, and vice versa, even if he’s not exactly caring about his own hurt in the moment, it’s still there beneath the surface. but when she says his name, he’s already pausing his step, and it doesn’t take much will to allow her to reel him back toward her. goddamn, she has such a hold on him.
❝ i’m just trying to tell you what i feel, i don’t know. i’m sorry, again. ❞ he sighs, and his eyes flicker down to her and he feels like his hands are tied behind his back in what to do. ❝ yeah well, at least that makes two of us. ❞ but when he hears just how dismal her statement sounds, he betrays the reasoning in his mind to let her slip away. his better judgment is yelling at him internally, but he drowns it out with his actions. carefully, he backs her up into the adjacent wall across from his doorway, and tips her chin up so he can look into her eyes.
❝ i don’t want you to leave not thinking i don’t love you or want you. you know i do, don’t you? ❞ he prompts as if it hasn’t been more than evident this entire time, despite her catching him during a moment of weakness.
