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I'm ell . they/them please ask me @quartzkid before following @ followers : please like my posts if you read them

[plantfrlend]

animal death ///

i havent used this blog forever but one of my fish died today and it was just 1 out of the 8 tetras but i still cried a bit and ive just been bummed all day and i feel like a really bad owner but i was doing all i could

[plantfrlend]

god im fuckin dysphoric too rn and behind on homework idk why i thought i could do anyrhing in life im the worst !

[plantfrlend]

im convinced wveryone hates me and is just humoring me and doesnt wanna hurt my feelings lol also while im thinking abt fuck doctors fuck therapists for not believing me ever lmaoo

[plantfrlend]

god its been a long time since i posted here but whatever god i ? already have such a hard time trusting cis men like 2 of the men i fuckin trusted within the past year turned out to be awful so im just ? idk im having a really hard time dealing with this situation im just in constant denial lmao its not that i dont believe the victims is that i physically cant formulate an opinion rn

[plantfrlend]

im sure my therapist wasnt that bad but like i Physically cant feel any feeling towards her besides Anger like we went nowhere and im only thinking of the times she didnt listen to me i need a new therapist but i dont want to see yhe one my mom goes to i don't trust anything that has to do witv my mom

[plantfrlend]

brain: smashing hands up and down on a random sound effect keyboard

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brain: cant sleep? heres some impulsive thoughts me: uh no thanks?? brain: kys me: let me sleep bitchhh

[plantfrlend]

having white noise helps a lot and its easier to fall asleep like literally rn im in no state to fall asleep

[plantfrlend]

also like thos audio hypnagogic hallucinations keepin me up too lmao

[plantfrlend]

uhhhuhh i need a fan or something bc theres no noise and the inside of my head is rly loud it feels like when cars turn up the base and u can feel it

[plantfrlend]

suicide mebtion /// uhfhdh i feel so fucking useless when ppl say Suicidal things not just the normal I wanna Die but like ?? stuff like "im gonna kms before im 20" or like "ill get around to writing a note " like idk what to do idk how to talk to them i dont even know how to deal with myself pls dont ilu but idk how to talk to u without saying basic shit like "it gets better :) " like one of my twitter mutuals keeps posting suicidal stuff on their vent but their closer friends/and boyfriend arent saying anyrhing hshdkhdkfjf so idk if its just Strong idealizations or what im just concerned and my head hurts and its almost 4 am

[plantfrlend]

i wanna cosplay but i wish i had a nice face lol i should just cosplay characters u cant see my face in

[plantfrlend]

i feel like my guts are made of greasy Mud and motor oil

[plantfrlend]

super dysphoric tonight but hey ate some macaroni and feel extra gross

[plantfrlend]

idk if they would cut me off completely if i did go on t like they would probably not invite me to fam events at all or help me financially if i needed it like they do my mom idk im just like ? shrugs

[plantfrlend]

like im sure my dad would probably come around to eventually accept me as nb if i came out but idk abt my mom ? maybe ?? maybe my uncles esp one of them who i know supports lgbt ppl ,, but like definitely not my grandparents lol ,,, they supprted tr**p and they would probably stop talking to me or make me go to church or tell my mom to make me idk maybe im just Idealizing the Worst Possible w/e but it feels realistic

[plantfrlend]

i want to like , go on t and change my name and live as nb but its like ? such a distant abstract concept that idk if i can ever reach bc i literally Need Support from my family but i cant even imagine telling them even my dem dad side let alone my conserv. christ. repub. moms side lmao