said you'd never leave but you did

my deepest tho(ugh)ts

[poetryblossoms]

when you were sitting beside me yesterday, i almost leaned in and kissed you. did you feel it too, or was it just me? will we ever find out, or would you like to keep it to yourself? if you do, please let me know.

[poetryblossoms]

will i ever learn?

or do i need to come back, time and time again, like a cruel humiliation ritual that acts as an addictive rollercoaster and my personal purgatory all wrapped in one, letting it cut me deeper and deeper until i have nothing left for the ones who deserve the full me.

[poetryblossoms]

i yearn for you, but i cannot show it.

if i do, you run from me.

but when i do not show it, you run to me.

it hurts just the same.

[poetryblossoms]

sometimes i still think of you and how i wish you were mine again. why do you feel like the one who got away, when the one getting away was me?

[poetryblossoms]

why do i allow myself to feel so deeply for people who don't seem to feel anything at all?

[poetryblossoms]

call me delusional, but i always envisioned we would be a happy ending. whatever 'happy' is for you.

[poetryblossoms]

my favourite part of the day are the first few seconds after waking before the memory of you swarms my vision for the rest of the day.

[poetryblossoms]

i don't know why but when you call, i always pick up. i look forward to seeing you again and again and again, and i don't know why. i don't want to call you mine but i also don't want you to be someone else's.

have i somehow become the person that i hate the most? do i lead with my ego or do i have genuine feelings for you?

i will perhaps never know. but i do know that i stop whatever i'm doing whenever my phone lights up and it's you.

[poetryblossoms]

you're an enigma, the code i wish to crack before it's too late and you leave for good. why do you feel so near yet so far at the same time? some things i feel i'll never understand.

[poetryblossoms]

my heart is heavy with missing you when it shouldn't. it's nearly been two whole months and i still can't go a day without your voice in my mind murmuring sweet nothings like you did that one winter night in early january when we still had it all. the words unspoken on my tongue and your boyish expression fixed on me, as I rethink what I'm about to do but, wait, it's too late. i've already done it. i don't know when or how but i've fallen and your boyish glance and I are helpless to stop it

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Mahmoud Darwish

[poetryblossoms]

i know you think of me daily because i can't stop thinking about you. does the universe plant you in my mind for a reason? what i do know is that this is far from over

[poetryblossoms]

the thought of you treating another the same way you treated me is what crushes me every night when i get into bed and tell myself "it's a new day tomorrow". i do it to calm myself, but i'm not calm. i try not to think about it but it's impossible. which fake love app are the kids using these days? is it still tinder? is that your go-to?

i'm sorry, i didn't mean to sound facetious. i guess that's just the reaction you get when you sabotage a good thing for yourself but just can't see it yet.

[poetryblossoms]

why does it hurt so bad seeing you not be affected by all this? why am i the only one seemingly hurting and waking up with puffy eyes and a heavy heart? why the fuck did i not mean more to you? i showed you the most sacred parts of me and you wanted them until you didn't. why does that hurt the most?

[poetryblossoms]

i trusted you not to hurt me and yet you still did. why do i never learn? if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

[poetryblossoms]

i thought this was maybe it. maybe this time, i had met someone who actually saw me for who i really am and loved every part of it. and once again, i felt like saying something. maybe it was too soon. maybe i rushed. maybe you're too slow to catch up. maybe it was for the best. in this way, i won't be wasting my time with people who don't want what i want. but why do i feel like i maybe should have waited a bit longer? is it selfish to want what you can't have?

maybe.

[poetryblossoms]

the shittiest human behaviour is to use silence to tell the other person everything they need to know.