My favorite past time would be to watch the sun rise, my bedroom is barely touched but blocks out the noise from everything else that be happening downstairs. The sense of numbness from the drugs, for now, just to watch the sun rise right in front of my eyes, peace. Something I don’t know much about when I try to stray away from the drama of the world, I mean who would think Chris Brown would want peace, do they know me, the real me. I don’t think anybody does, nobody knows me, and I learnt to accept that and take it out in my art. The sun rises and that is my wake up call to go to sleep, and I don’t know what that is anymore either, I don’t sleep. Sleep is for the weak, sleeping means I lose sight of things, when I am in my bedroom everybody knows not to interrupt me, just because I said so, not because they know me. Pushing myself away from the balcony, the music from downstairs broke my gaze, the music soon lowered down. Too late now, my mind is blank. Walking back into my bedroom, an empty canvas. My home painted from every corner but my room, it laid bare and that is for me. An empty bedroom, an empty heart, I mean I should feel whole since I am a father of two kids, but no. I get the sense of happiness seeing them but I mean like everything else and everyone else, they go home so I am back to this empty box on my own. I feel the urge in my heart to settle down, the thought of marriage and stability is exciting to feel but to make that a reality, I don’t see it for me. Slouching down as I sat on the edge of my bed, my mind is racing and it’s the same. Behind closed doors shit is not what it seems, my life has never been stable because I am not a stable person. I want to be loved but I also want to not lose control, I can’t give anyone my heart because they can’t be trusted. Laying back on my bed thinking, every day just battling myself with this and I still never come out with the answers.
A slight groan left my lips, rubbing the side of my face with my eyes still heavy. I must have fell asleep and now I feel even worse than I did before I fell asleep, grabbing my phone from the side of me and bringing it into my eye view “wow” I breathed out to myself, I slept for an hour but yet it felt like a lifetime, I did not feel like it was just an hour. A low chuckle grumbled in my throat, Royalty be harassing me from the moment the sunrises, but I love it. A slight frown seeing Ammika has text me also, let me just see to what Royalty has decided to put to me this morning. Unlocking my phone in anticipation, an instant laugh hit me because she is crazy with the ‘are you awake’ and ‘did you sleep’ if anything in life, if I don’t have a wife, I have my daughter and that alone makes me happy, I sighed out messaging her back which I know she will message me back with a quickness, she doesn’t delay at all unless she is eating, her mother doesn’t allow it which I can understand ‘I am well baby, just woke up and I am going to eat breakfast’ pressing send on the message, the brightest little angel I know, I don’t think I can let anything go by her at all. Backing out of the message and tend to the next message at hand “mhmmm” I will have to get my mom to pick my son up, I don’t want to see her when I just want to see my son, alone that is. Let me get up and do something with myself, maybe some food.
Lighting the blunt as I got to the bottom of the steps, the smell of waffles and weed in the air “hoodie” I said as I walked by him “nigga!” he spat “who making breakfast today then?” if these chicks are staying here then they need to be doing something with themselves in this home “nigga” dapping Sinko “what’s good? Who put the music up last night?” blowing the smoke out from my lips, some nigga took me out of my zone “the bitch making the breakfast” looking to the cooker to check on who he is speaking on “well if they ain’t going to be quiet, you need to be out. Anyways, y’all let the dog’s out. I like pancakes actually ma’am” I pointed at her, I never know who these girls are, they don’t have names unless I personally fuck with them “I can do that for you” I laughed, I mean it’s funny because she is making waffles “and the cleaning too, I mean you all can help each other” I said licking my lips, they all jumped up like dog’s, they do anything and it is funny to see “I guess nobody let the dog’s out” making my way out “we got that the Tuff Crowd store opening tonight!” I half shouted as I placed the blunt between my lips.
Opening the last cage while I listened to my mom on the other end of the phone “I have Royalty for the weekend so which day are you free? Saturday or Sunday” my mom has to schedule, I mean if Royalty came now and saw the girls just walking around, it’s not good “Saturday, tomorrow should be cool. Also, can you pick up Aeko, I will come to yours. I mean I will come to yours tomorrow, please” the phone line went a little silent on me “Chris, you produce kids to give them to me, you know that girl doesn’t want me involved either. Aeko doesn’t really have things here as he doesn’t stay over, just because she doesn’t want me to be involved and I surely have my hands full with Royalty but for you, I will ok?” My mom likes to scold me and then agrees to it “thank you, just like last week we had a disagreement, she wants to make us work and I am like no. I will come and visit you on Saturday. I will send you money for anything you need?” if that is the case, I get why my mom is being that way because Ammika doesn’t want my mom involved but then cries to my mom when I don’t contact her “if you say so Chris, I will go and pick him up. You are clearly too busy anyways” rolling my eyes, my mom is being dramatic “ok, anyways. Bye” disconnecting the call “hey baby” smiling at Zeus but he just walked off, like everyone else.
“Is this the new box of clothes from supreme?” I pointed, I pointed and asked like anyone is listening to me, they all busy high as shit. Placing the cigarette behind my ear, I can just rip this shit open “yeah, it came like seven in the morning” Deecosey came out of nowhere, someone answered me. I do like company, I really could not see myself alone in this home but also I can’t see myself being stuck with one woman in my life, I just managed to rip the box open “cool, the overalls. I will get ready for the Tuff Crowd event” picking out the overalls I ordered, they came pretty quick. Looking down at the overalls, impressed with how quick they arrived. Looking up from the overalls and seeing one the girls taking a video of herself which caught me in it, putting a peace sign up smiling as I made my way to the closet, I need to match this up with some sneakers “ayo, clean this up though” these whippet cannisters are all over the damn floor “yeah, yeah” let me get dressed anyways, I been waiting for Tuff crowd to open a damn store.
Getting into my Rolls Royce “let’s fucking go!” I spat closing my door “is Deecosey in the car ahead of us?” I asked Hoodie, he can drive me around. I physically do not feel right to be driving “yeah, them niggas didn’t wait” sounds about right, pushing my cap back as I scratched my forehead “do these really need to come with us? They phone not on them right?” I don’t know these girls but they here still “no phones, they know this” I swear earlier I saw someone with it on, bringing my phone up to my face. Ammika and I are straight going back and forth, fully expecting me to arrive because she wants me to come, that wave gone now. I am there for my son and provide fully for her, I always got her in that sense but I am over that because she cannot fulfil that void I yearn for, I am looking for someone that can fulfil that void and nobody really can, I am not going to listen to her putting boundaries on me when I am not faithful to her, I am a single man but then she is using my son, this is why my attention leaves. I love that I can personally text my daughter, Nia don’t fuck with that but this baby mother, she refuses that shit and I am just like fuck that noise. I am straight put off any woman, I can’t deal with it unless she is sucking my dick.
This place looks remarkably busy tonight, I am happy for bro coming along way with this and now a whole ass store “brother” dapping Christian Combs “what’s good little bro? You didn’t say you was coming out?” shaking his hand still “you ignored my text, I said come out for a pool party, you ignored me” I don’t even remember “I mean, I suppose. I am busy, Justin, tell him?” Dapping Justin “this is Chris Brown, he too busy playing daddy day care now” Justin hit my arm “that too, but I ain’t mean too. I just trying to keep lowkey about shit, we can rearrange, and I can be there?” I offered; I do be ignoring some messages because sometimes I be in my own thoughts that I can’t get myself out of that zone to be doing anything with them. It’s tiresome smiling at the same things and some people that clout chase when I am around, I am done with all that bullshit now so if a party is happening it has to be lowkey or at my crib “you getting old, just admit it?” laughing at Justin assuming I am getting old “in my heart I am not, I’ll catch up with you all. I am going to go inside” making my way inside the store, impressive as shit and then the graffiti tags I done here “Wiz” dapping him as I walked by “breezy” saluting him as I made my way to the drinks, I need a drink before I mingle with the people here because I did not expect it to be this busy at all “yooo Chris, I am so glad you came out” Brandon hugged me, hugging him back “you did good out here Brandon, shit. The store is amazing, I mean my graffiti, that is” stepping back laughing, Brandon’ vision with clothing is amazing and this is why I have fucked with him for so long “this is on you too, you always believed in me and wore my clothes, promoted it and everything” chewing my bottom lip listening to him, I like to believe in people and he is one of them “this is on you, I said you could do it” a little appreciation goes along way in life and I like to see it.
Royalty sent me a message which makes me smile when she does, just know that I got someone there, and those selfies make me smile ‘sweet dreams my angel, we will see each other tomorrow’ typing out, I can’t wait to see her “even with your cap so low I know you stance, you losing eye sight now holding your phone so close to your face” looking up from my phone hearing that familiar voice “Ah, little kool aid wig. Melissa” locking my phone with the biggest smile on my face, it’s always good to see family “Christoph, how is you?” hugging Melissa, I did not expect such a familiar face here “I am good, just here but you’re here. I peeped you repping Tuff Crowd too?” I pointed out to her “you peeped or creeped my nigga? Which one” I had to laugh, the burst of energy I felt seeing someone that I think highly of “peeped, peeped. Come on now, you on your own?” I had to correct her while laughing still “well I am here for the clothes; I am loving Brandon’ shit. He slipped a little invite, so I thought I would come here. With my man” Melissa turned around pointing, seeing some big nigga “oh right, right. I mean it doesn’t shock me, you like your big niggas don’t you” Melissa back handed my arm “be quiet, I swear you are forever annoying. But it was good seeing you, I mean nigga it’s been years for us. I think it’s more of being here in Cali and hanging in the Hollyweird crowd and shit, but nice seeing you” Melissa opened her arm, another hug from family. Leaning down as she wrapped her arm around my neck “mention that I like big niggas again, I swear ta god!” she said in my ear with a slight squeeze, she is not playing “I got you, I will tell Barry to not lose weight either” I was quick to move before she strangled me “see this is why we can’t speak” Melissa put her hand in my face before dragging my eyes to look, I mean I ain’t looking for anything just looking around “oh and, why don’t you come to my party. Just you, birthday turn up. We need a clown there, I am joking but having a little party tomorrow” I was not expecting that, inviting me to anything of hers now “I mean, sure where?” a little taken a back by it all “stalk my page for details, I will message on you on Insta boy” Melissa waved at me as she walked off, it is so exciting to see someone that you have known for years and she looks well.
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