𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓅𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽𝓎 @prettypicasopink - Tumblr Blog

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Let’s get one thing straight. If you start messaging me everyday and night, I am obviously going to get attached. No matter how hard I try not to, I will. And if you know I get attached easily as you figured that out within like 15 minutes of talking to me, you better not start getting close to me just so you can suddenly disappear and leave me. Cause I really don’t want to be able to say I’m use to it.

Sorta pathetic but he’s just always been my plan b

so stressy, we depressy

Why I am “cold hearted bitch”

Bitch can be used in many ways, positive or negative. However most times in the case of using it to me, it is usually in a negative way. “Cold hearted bitch” is something I have acknowledged that I am and something I have heard said against me more recently then ever. But there is a reason as to why I am a “cold hearted bitch”. Let’s start off with why am I a bitch.

Unlike many other people I will acknowledge and accept that I am a bitch. However also unlike other people, I am not a bitch all the time and it is not my main personality trait. Merely when you first meet me and am getting to know me a bitch is usually how I present myself. I may say a few snarky snide comments here and there but that dies down the closer we become. You may wonder why do you present yourself as a bitch? Well it’s quite simple. Stemming from a young age where I needed friends the most, I didn’t. I was used, trampled on and low-key bullied. For 2 years I had no true friends. It would be going from friend group to friend group to at least try and not be lonely. But that never got me anywhere. Instead it gave me immense damage and trust issues that to this day I will not talk about. From those time in my life I realized that by being a bitch I protect myself from those that are just going to use me again. Therefore being a bitch when you first me just became an instinct. Because if someone can stick it past my bitch stage then maybe they are worth having around. Maybe from the small glimpses of me being a caring, considerate human being they will stick around. Maybe they will see the light behind these walls.

Now why am I “cold hearted”? Another very simple answer. I was hurt in the past and don’t want to be hurt again. “Love” never gave me anything permanent in my life. At least not in a romantic way. Seeing your parents get divorced at an age where you can actually understand things is a lot more traumatizing than it happening when you’re like 5. Having people you think like you then choose another girl over also does shit to you. Having loved portrayed in such a simple light by media creates such unrealistic expectations which I’ve come to realize the hard way. Yes I ew and gag at romantic gestures in movies but I still want my fairy tale ending like any other girl. Being loved is one of the best feelings in the world from my very brief experience. But it also gave me so much hurt and pain. I don’t want to be hurt again. Cause it took me so so so long to find myself and see who I truly am on the inside. Not everyone needs to see all your sides, they can see the side they want but you need to remember that side doesn’t define who you are.

So why am I a “cold hearted bitch”? Instinct. No one wants to be hurt again and again. It’s merely just the first or second wall you have to break down.

If you could die from a broken heart,

I’d be dead,

Over and over.

Goodness I hate myself atm. All I want is to see his face and hear his voice BUT HE ISN'T MINE. The other day after our exam, after seeing his face all I wanted to do was call him and talk. Even standing close to him gives me a sense of security. Man, I'm completely delusional about this relationship I have imagined in my head. It stems from this tiny spec of hope that somehow he can feel what he felt 4 years ago. But that's not the reality. I know he doesn't like me. He doesn't treat me like he did with them. I'm never going to be the girl he choose over another. I'm never going to be the girl he loses sleep over. I'm never going to be her. And until I come to that conclusion I will continue to daydream. Cause dreams stay dream.

I hate hate hate it when people say stuff like if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. Like when I'm in lowest of lows I'm not gonna go seek help cause if you know me I am not one to burden other people with my personal problems. My problems are not your burden. So no, I'm not one to reach out cause I know people have their own shit to deal with let alone mine. It feels selfish to burden other people with weight that isn't theirs. I guess thats why deep down I feel so alone. I hold all my problems to myself cause I know at the end of the day when I'm crying in bed, it's gonna be just me. No one else. Me. Just me.

#Spotify

One day someone will love me and all my broken parts.

hurting but no one caring

i can’t wait to make new friends. like people who are intellectual with reasoning, who aren’t pea minded stubborn ass hill billies

love how i wrote two stories about suicide in yr10 and no one even questioned me if i was alright.

i wasn’t.

no one cares and that’s just a reality

I cry like every night and no one will ever realise lmfao...

One day he's gonna make a girl the happiest girl in the world.

That girls not going to be me. And I'm fine with that.

As I know some day someone will love me for all my imperfections and insecurities.

My missing puzzle piece

But until that day I will continue to chase unattainable perfection to satisfy the hole in my heart which for so long has been desired to be filled.

I literally live by "fake it till you make it" so people don't know how many insecurities I actually have✌️

so this is how it’s going to go... pt1

I’m going to move to another country and study for a year as part of my uni course (hopefully somewhere in Asia like Korea) during my 3rd year out of 4. I’m going to be living my best life and absolutely thriving in the new environment and making new friends and memories. Then one day I’m go to a cafe after my classes to do some work however as I’m ordering I’m taking a long time to find my wallet so the person behind me side steps around and adds his order to mine and then pays. PLOT TWIST. I know this person not because they’re in my classes or in my uni but because they’re an idol/famous. No one else realizes because he’s wearing a cap that is covering most of their, a hoodie over top and a face mask but I know cause there is only one idol that always wears their NY Yankees x Gucci cap, has such pretty eyes with plims and get’s an iced americano with 4 shots of espresso. I say thank you, let me pay you back but he declines so knowing who it is I go find a seat to set up to work while waiting for my drink which I’m having there as I don’t want to cause a big scene and ruin his coffee time. Just as I’m about to put my airpods in someone says here’s your drink and I look up expecting the waiter but it’s him holding my drink in one hand and his in the other. I say thank you, you really didn’t have to, and offer to pay him back again however he declines and wishes me luck with my work and leaves the cafe. I sit there trying to process what just happened and start working.

~time skip~

It’s a week later and it’s raining quite hard outside yet I’m still in the cafe working on my assignment that is due in a few days and am loosing track of time. I’m sitting there getting quite stressed then I see movement from the opposite side of the table and look up. It’s him and he’s pushing the same drink I ordered last time towards me. I smile and say do you often buy drinks for girls at cafes and he says no, only the ones that interest me. I have an amused look on my face and decide to introduce myself so I stick my hand out for a handshake. He seems puzzled by my name as it’s not a traditional Korean name so I explain that I am from overseas and am currently studying in Korea and he makes this face of realization and say’s that why you’re Korean isn’t very joined and I laugh knowing my Korean still isn’t the best. He smiles and introduces himself and I acknowledge that he leaves out the idol stuff and decide not to mention it as it would just make the conversation awkward. He then starts asking me about myself and we start talking about my student life however I do realize that he keeps the conversation away from any of his personal information and I understand. Then the cafe owner comes over and says that they are going to be closing for the day so I quickly pack up my stuff and we make our way to the door. It’s raining much harder than when I first arrived so I didn’t bring an umbrella so I curse under my breathe and hope I won’t get too wet walking. I turn around to say thank for the drink and company but hes already walking with an umbrella and say’s aren’t you coming? I smirk, run to catch up and we walk side by side then he asks where bouts I’m going. I say that this direction is to my apartment and he asks if I live alone so I reply yes and he asks if it ever gets lonely and I say sometimes but I don’t mind cause I lived my whole life always around people. My phone then buzzes and it’s my mum calling me so I pick up and talk to her in mandarin saying that I’m out and on my way home so once I get back home I’ll call her. I hang up and look at him and he then say’s so you’re Chinese which I smile to then he says he has friends which are Chinese and I continue to smiling knowing very well who it is. Then I realize I have no idea where he’s going so I quickly ask if walking me is an inconvenience and he says no as his friends are at restaurant near here. Too soon we arrive at my apartment complex and I quickly thank him for walking me home in the rain he says you’re welcome then I start to walk inside when I hear him call my name so I turn around and he walks up to me and asks for my number which I’m quite shocked by. I give it to him wondering if he’s actually going to be giving his number to a near complete his stranger not knowing what I could do with it. I ask him if he’s sure and he says yea why and I just look at him with a like you don’t know look on my face. I then see the light bulb go off in his head; he knows that I know who he is. He smiles and say’s so you’ve been acting dumb this whole time, I reply no, I just wanted to get to know you for you and not whats said through the internet. He smirks and says right and proceeds to turn around and with a final I really enjoyed tonight he walks off in to the rain leaving me completely speechless. I walk up to my apartment and feel the butterflies in my stomach and wonder where the heck this is going to go.

Over the next few weeks we text which is always so funny with my slow Korean and his slow English and he still occasionally comes to the cafe knowing I will most likely be there. Eventually he says he has a day off and asks I want to hang out, I say yes as it’s the weekend so I have no classes and hadn’t made plans with my friends. He then picks me up from outside my apartment and I ask where we are going and he says it’s a surprise. We take a taxi as I know he doesn’t want to risk being noticed and he also asks if I bought a face mask which I knew he would ask and I bring my out knowing he also doesn’t want me to be noticed. We arrive and he asks for me close my eyes and I’m a bit hesitant but do and also feel his hands over my eyes and I smile. We start walking and stop after a steps. Open. We’re at the amusement park. I’m so excited that I turn around and hug him. He’s quite surprised but does hug back. Quickly we purchase out tickets, him refusing to let me pay so I then say he has to let me pay for food then which he reluctantly agrees. We have the time of our lives and are like completely children, a smile never leaving our faces. Many photos are also taken as we both have camera and have interests in photography. Soon enough it’s night time and the iconic carousel lights up and we go over and ask the employee to take our photo. It’s the cutest photo in the freaking world. I smile looking at it and immediately make it my home screen knowing it can’t be my lock-screen as I can’t risk people suspecting anything. I look up and he smiling at me with a box in his hand. My eyes widen and say surely you don’t ask someone you’ve known for 2 months to marry you at which he laughs at say not today hun then he opens the box and I see a stunning silver bracelet. I like you and I want you to be my girlfriend but right now isn’t the best time for me to tell management however this is a promise that as soon as these 2 weeks are over you will officially be my girlfriend. I smile like a fool and hug him and say I’ll wait as long as you need. He hugs back and ask if he can put the bracelet on me which I obviously agree to however I see something engraved in the inside of the bracelet and I laugh once I see whats written; it’s our go to coffee orders.

Love is for f o o l s

Guess that makes me a fool for you then

Fat r i p s

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