liz's thoughts

this blog is considered to be the safest place to write down my thoughts.

[psychopathsgetbored]

it’s actually funny how this blog is supposed to cheer people up, not dragging people to my miserable life. for god’s sake, liz, can you not be a fun ruiner for at least once in your goddamn life?????

sorry for not writing any positive post. i haven’t been able to do that. it’s just... exhausting. i promise i will when i feel so much better and am capable of writing it. until then, please enjoy miserable stories of my life and you can laugh about it if you want lol it’s fine

[psychopathsgetbored]

thank you for all these years, now it’s time for me to say goodbye

Yesterday, October 3, 2021 was probably one of the worst days of my life. Remember how you asked me out several days ago? yeah, it didn’t go so well. In fact, you didn’t even show up.

It’s funny because I already had a feeling that you’d cancel the last minutes–which you did. And you seem totally fine with it. You didn’t seem to feel guilty and you didn’t even try to explain to me what happened.

Why did you have to stand me up? why didn’t you just say that you didn’t wanna go? that you didn’t want to meet me and you feel fine with us not being friends anymore. Why did you have to do this to me? What the fuck did I do in the past that made you do that to me?

You told me you fell asleep. It’s so funny because that sounds like you’re avoiding me. I mean, if you really want to hang out, you’d do anything to make it happen like setting up bunch of alarms on your stupid fucking phone, for instance.

Why did you have to leave me alone, babysitting a couple in the middle of the woods where there’s no signal so I can’t escape from that shitty reality?

What the fuck did I do to you that made you think I deserved to be treated that way?

Maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe it’s my fault for thinking you’re a good person because you ever treated me well. Maybe it’s my fault for being so stupid and thinking that you’re still the same person I know. Maybe it’s my fault for falling for a fucking jerk like you.

And maybe, it’s true that you’re only beautiful in my head. Maybe I just fall in love with the idea of loving you. Maybe you’re not who I think you are. 

Thanks for showing me that, though. Thank you for showing me that you’re not good for me and you don’t deserve every single second of my life and you don’t fucking deserve a little kindness for me.

After all these years–whole five fucking years, I finally feel sick of you. You disgust me. Thank you for creating a memory so hurtful for me that’ll make me feel sick every time I hear your name. Thank you for setting me free after years I was under your stupid fucking spell. Thank you for showing me what kind of a jerk you are.

I thought you were my home because I kept coming back to you but turns out you’re just four walls pieces of crap I don’t wanna live in.

Perhaps, it’s gonna be my last writing about you. There’ll be no more stories about you. No more poems about you. No more playlists about you. No more you.

I hope one day you’ll realize how much of a bastard you are for doing that shit to me and someday you’ll be running over me, hoping that you could fix things up between us but I won’t be there.

Someday, you’ll be truly sorry for doing shitty things to me but I won’t be sorry for not accepting you back.

I hope one day you’ll fall for someone who doesn’t fall for you real hard and you’ll understand how I felt.

After five years, I’m finally ready to let you go. It may take some time for me to fully recover but I know I’ll come back stronger. Time will heal me so don’t you worry about that.

So, goodbye. I hope you have a chance to experience what I experienced and make it a lesson for you to learn.

I’m letting you go.

[psychopathsgetbored]

liar. you fucking lying bitch. three years passed by since you wrote that long ass thing, yet you still think about him. you still accept him like a nice little present. you pathetic fucking bitch.

[psychopathsgetbored]

anyway, something nice happened today though. one of my best friends posted a picture of us together and she wrote, and i quote,

"this one girl right here is a real one. thank you for always checking on me after i've had a bad day. for always being there for me no questions asked. for always making me feel at home and always offering the best advice even tho you had a lot on your plate. and lastly for never giving up on me especially when i give up on myself. you've been an essential part of my life and i'm so grateful for our friendship. i may not be a good friend lately bc i'm not always there for you but i hope that you know how much i value our friendship and appreciate everything you do for me"

shit i cried typing that. that is the nicest thing someone said to me this week. sometimes i wonder why anyone, anyone at all, still sees anything good in me when i feel like there isn't anything good left.

if you are reading this, i just wanna say thank you for always seeing the good in me when i don't see it in me. thank you for always reminding me that i matter and pointing out my worth when i forget about it. thank you for letting me be in your life and thank you for being in mine. i also hope you always know how much i love you and how much i value our friendship. you are not only my best friend, but also like a sister to me. and i'm sorry if i haven't been a good friend to you but i hope our friendship lasts until we grey and old.

[psychopathsgetbored]

today i told my friend about things that have been bothering me and she didn't say much. she just listened. and i said that it's alright and that she doesn't have to worry about that and that i'm fine and just need somebody to listen. she asked if it feels better telling her all of that and i said yes.

as soon as i got home, i felt shitty. i always feel shitty lately but idk. telling her all that doesn't feel relieved as i thought it'd be. it feels just... the same.

maybe that's bc i lied to her. saying that i felt a bit better just telling her all that. but i don't. i feel just the same. maybe i wanted her to tell me that it's okay, that i'm okay, that everything's gonna be okay and all that bullshit. ik it's so cliche and more like a crap type of saying but it's nice to hear that, i guess??

but idk. what if hearing that doesn't change anything. what if hearing that from someone doesn't make me a bit better either. what if it's me who can't see anything positive. that i am a poison and i am poisonous. that i break everything i touch and that i should be left alone

[psychopathsgetbored]

i actually hate it when my friends in real life are making fun of what i'm interested in. it makes me feel worthless. it makes me feel like i am not allowed to like anything. like, i have to be a "normal person" living a "normal life".

what even is normal? how does one define normal?

i see normal as something common. something that isn't bad thing that a lot of people do or feel. that's normal. being interested in something is normal. being passionate about something that interests someone is normal. having a silly crush on some celebrity because they inspired someone is normal. why does anyone have the need to make fun of someone's fun???

films and books have been my comfort things. they make me feel slightly alive. they put a little meaning to my life. they make me want to survive the goddamn day when my head is filled with the thought of killing my own self every fucking second.

[psychopathsgetbored]

have you ever heard the saying: "the older you get, the lonelier you are"? i feel that now, really.

when i was a kid, i used to put friendship over anything. like i probably was, and still am, the most loyal friend someone ever had. i sacrificed a lot of things for friendship's sake. growing up, i realized that not everyone deserves my sacrifice. some of "my friends" were total dickheads. but whatever, it's fine. they're not in the picture anymore now.

most of my friends aren't in the picture now, i guess. even the ones i was close with. they forgot to text me back one day and we end up on not talking terms for years.

it is true that you don't have to talk to someone 24/7 to keep the communication going. but, most of the time, when you stop talking once, you just stop talking to them forever.

i used to be the kind of person who wouldn't accept any of my friends to walk away from my life. i used to be the one who begged them to stay, to keep communicating, to always be like what we used to be. if i really think about it i made a total fool out of myself lmao like why would i do that to someone?? that made me look pathetic.

now, i don't care anymore. i don't care if anyone wants to walk out, the door is always open now. i won't be standing in your way, blocking the door like i used to.

i used to love meeting new people and making friends with them. now, the idea of it scares me. and i find it to be very exhausting now... i hate social events now. i can't stand to meet up with anyone who isn't close with me. i hate talking about life. i hate going out. i don't understand how am i a hater now. i used to be a lover. i used to love a lot of things in life. i used to be so passionate in life. i used to be passionate in my hobbies or things that interest me. now... i don't feel any of that.

[psychopathsgetbored]

being on period sucks because there's so much pain. not only physical pain, but also mental. all the ugly thoughts usually just burst out during period and they'll end up making me stay up all night and cry.

being on period sucks because everything can make me cry easily, even something that isn't sad can turn out to make me sad. like i can ugly cry over some cute lovely romcoms just because i am not sure whether or not i will experience that kind of cuteness. i am even not sure whether or not i deserve that kind of kindness from somebody.

watching romcoms on period makes me feel lonely and lonelier because my whole life i never have someone like anyone on romcoms. i don't know if i'm gonna find one someday.

[psychopathsgetbored]

last eid fitr, i went to my grandma's house, from my dad's side. honestly, i don't like coming there, since i am not close to any of them. most of the time i just sit there and listen because nobody will really talk to me and i'm not so much a chit-chat kind of person.

but what i really dislike when i am there is the comments some of my aunts and uncles made. they sometimes make shitty comments and it makes me sick. shitty comments like why am i getting fatter or why did i dye my hair it makes me look like a slut or why did i put make up on i look like an old woman with red lip tint. or sometimes something like do i have a boyfriend or when will i get one. when they ask such questions, i always have the urge to throw the hot tea on my cup to their stupid faces. that makes me wonder though, if my dad was still here, would they still make comments like those? would he defend me?

my dad was a man that everyone respected. mom once said to me something about how people would listen to my dad and how people respected him. and it makes me wonder, would things be different if he was here today?

but that's all i have from my dad. that's the only thing he left me with. unanswered questions.

[psychopathsgetbored]

i'm currently reading if cats disappeared from the world by genki kawamura and i found this quote:

makes me wonder, though, if my existence actually has meaning. like, what if i don't exist? like, what would happen to the world? would it still be something i've known for this long?

but again, this kind of thought makes me feel arrogant for even thinking something like this. who even am i? i am just a tiny spec of dust. i didn't discover gravity nor invent telephone. i didn't come up with relativity theory nor quantum mechanics. i didn't compose für elise nor four seasons. then what change would it be if i simply just were not there?

[psychopathsgetbored]

i always have issues with anger. sometimes i can't control it, sometimes i can manage to press it down my head. when i get mad, i don't count to ten or even a hundred just like most people do. i imagine bad things. ugly things. i imagine i hurt someone. when i am mad at someone, i try to kill them in my head. hit them, stab them, shoot them, hurt them, end their lives. when i am mad at some condition i am in, i try to picture my own suicide.

it is actually kinda funny how i always picture how my life will end and most of the time it's because of myself. i can picture myself lying dead on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere from my wrists. i can picture my mom's frightened face and her being hysterical. but i guess she'll still blame it on me for being such a fool.

other times i picture that i got hit by a bus or train. organs everywhere, some are hard to find, even not found. other times, i overdose on sleeping pills or shoot myself in the head. one is perhaps painful, the other is fast--if you shoot on the right target.

it is funny to me how i always manage to think about ending my life. even on harmless events. like after class on the third floor, my friends and i usually just stand there, thinking about where to eat. while they are talking about the place, i usually stare blankly and think about jumping. it is so weird that whenever i'm standing on a high place, i always have the urge to jump. like, there are always these tiny voices telling me to jump. i wonder if someday i'll listen to them and actually do it.

it's also kinda funny whenever i hang out with my friends talking about the future. how will their future be. the person they'll marry, amount of children they'll have. when i don't even think i'll make it past 60. i don't even think i'll make it to 30. on my 21st birthday last may, i couldn't believe myself that i made it past 20. i thought it'd be the end for me but i guess there are still chapters that i haven't read yet

i wonder how my book of life will end. what kind of epilogue will i get. will i get a happy ending after all? will anyone be devastated that the book has ended and it'll be returned to the owner? anyone at all?

am i a good enough person to get all those privileges, though?

[psychopathsgetbored]

may contain aftersun (2022) spoilers

january 15, 2023. 3:22 am.

i finished watching aftersun (2022) around 1:30 am and tiny bits of the film reminded me of my dad. well, any film father-themed usually succeeds at making me cry. most of the time i feel like i can relate to the film, even though the case isn't always the same as mine.

it's kinda funny how i always cry watching this kind of film. i don't even have the perfect idea of a father figure, because i grew up without one. even saying the word "father" or "dad" feels really weird to me since i never really got a chance to say it consciously.

i don't know how to act around older men, especially when they are being nice to me and treat me as if i was their daughter. the feeling is so bizarre, so unfamiliar. i always try to remember how it felt when my dad was around but i can't remember anything. not when it happened almost 15 years ago.

i always wanted to have a father figure growing up. but now, i feel like i'm used to the absence of it. even the idea of it sometimes makes me feel... something indescribable.

aftersun (2022) is nothing like what happened to me. my dad was gone because of a heart attack and he wasn't suicidal. but then again, what do i know? i was only a kid when he was gone.

something i can relate to sophie, though, is how growing up she finally understood what happened to her father and she wished she could turn back time to prevent it from happening. the day my father died i was told that he went off to work but then, he never came home. i understand that he would never come back, and in fact wasn't possible to, when i was a little older. growing up, i understand what he went through, how it must've been hard for him, and how much pain he had to carry. and i wished i could back in time just to be there for him, held his hand, and told him that everything would be alright because he had me there. because i was there for him.

there was one time when my so-called psychic friend told me that my dad was thinking about me all the time when he was in a coma. and that i could've saved him by just being there for him and holding his hand. and i wish she hadn't told me that so i don't have to carry this feeling of guilt everywhere, thinking i could've saved him. and i didn't. and it makes me feel like i failed him.

people tend to associate fathers with their daughter's first love, but i can't seem to remember anything about my first love. isn't first love supposed to be something you remember always, they say? ergo, i associate father with grief and loss. because that's what i remember the most about my dad. he was my first loss and i will always, always grieve for him.

[psychopathsgetbored]

semua hanya perihal waktu

pernah kuberkata bahwa akan ada saatnya aku melihatmu tanpa debaran di dada.

akan ada saatnya hal tentangmu tak menarik lagi bagiku.

akan ada saatnya dada ini berhenti meletup ketika bicara denganmu.

akan ada saatnya tangan ini berhenti menulis puisi tentangmu.

akan ada saatnya bibir ini berhenti menyebut namamu.

akan ada saatnya luka lama ini sepenuhnya sembuh.

kupikir mencintaimu bagaikan dipenjara seumur hidup.

tidak ada jalan keluar, seperti masuk ke dalam lubang hitam.

seakan tersedot dalam lingkaran setan.

namun sekarang semua telah benar-benar usai.

bagai rumah tua yang terbakar hangus, tak ada yang tersisa kecuali abu.

bagai buku yang sudah tertulis penuh, dengan tinta yang sudah habis.

bagai tentara yang selesai mengabdi, bergegas pulang merindukan rumah.

rasanya damai, tentram.

seakan berdiri di hamparan padang rumput dengan angin menerpa wajah, merasakan kebebasan.

aku bebas.

aku bebas dan aku akan pulang.

bunga yang disiram setiap hari akan mati suatu saat nanti.

bungaku akhirnya mati, pertanda cinta sekalipun bukan hal yang abadi.

semua pasti berlalu.

sebab semua hanya perihal waktu.

[psychopathsgetbored]

kita duduk berdua dengan segelas es kopi di masing-masing tangan. tak ada pembicaraan. kau dan aku sama-sama menatap ke depan, mengamati orang lalu lalang sembari menerka-nerka isi pikiran mereka. kau membuka suara, memecah keheningan. namun, mataku hanya terfokus pas tanganmu. kata-katamu masuk dan keluar telingaku dengan bebas, aku tak bisa fokus. kau mengangkat gelas kopimu dan menyesapnya melalui sedotan hitam.

"boleh aku memegang tanganmu?"

kalimat itu terlontar begitu saja. aku bahkan tak tahu aku mengatakannya begitu lantang. raut wajahmu menggambarkan kejutan, namun sedetik setelahnya otot-otot wajahmu melemas. kau tersenyum simpul seraya menadahkan tanganmu yang dua kali besarnya tanganku.

pun kuraih tanganmu, menggenggamnya dengan erat. jadi begini, rasanya memegang tanganmu secara sadar.

"aku menggenggam tangan ini puluhan kali dalam mimpiku. sedikit asing rasanya bisa mengenggamnya secara sadar."

kau bergeming. tak beraksi apapun saat aku meracau. mungkin kau tak tahu harus bilang apa, mungkin juga kau merasa bersalah. tapi aku lebih percaya pada pilihan pertama.

[psychopathsgetbored]

last week, i had a pretty bad breakdown. i tried to make myself better by watching encanto (2021) but that didn't help. i was... well. it was worse because i was menstruating and it felt like the end of the world. i cried and cried like a crazy without even know why. i pulled myself from people, didn't even go out of bed all night and half of the day. my room was such a total mess. if my mom was there, she would've given me pep talk about how a girl's room should be all tidy and clean.

but somehow life goes on. and i can't waste more time when i've wasted so much.i forced myself to get out of bed, to go out and buy lunch, to eat.

a few days later, i feel pretty much better. especially when i got to spend time with my close friends. we had good food and good laugh.

as i said, i pulled myself away from people. i was being pretty much distant with people. and then somebody texted me, asking whether i was fine. and when i asked them why, they said that they felt like i've been gone and wanted to know what happened.

i was pretty touched. usually, when i'm gone, nobody actually gives a shit. nobody wondered what happened. hell, nobody even noticed that. so i was pretty shocked that someone's aware i was gone.

[psychopathsgetbored]

oh god, am i gonna die alone?

here we are again, folks. me and my loneliness. but seriously though, this morning i woke up and i thought, what if i die alone? not cute.

i know i used to say that i don't want to get married or anything but i've been thinking about how nice it must be to have someone whom you can always share your day with. someone you can share your story with. someone who will listen to your whining about some endless assignment. someone who will lend their shoulder for you to hide your ugly crying face because of some sad-ending movie. someone who will let you sleep on their thigh while their hand stroking your hair. someone you can share your earphones with. someone you can talk to in the middle of the night when you're supposed to be sleeping. someone who will laugh at your jokes and silly little things you do. someone who will immediately hold your hand when you tell them you feel cold. someone who will sing you to sleep. someone who remembers little things about me. someone whom i can tell anything to first. someone who leaves cute little notes. someone whom i can watch when they're asleep and admire their soft breath.

sometimes i want it all. i want spotify playlist made just for me. little thing they buy just because it reminds them of me.

i want someone to tell me first thing when they have good news just cause they want me to be the first person to know. i want to cook for someone even i'm not good at cooking. i want to apply some green tea facial mask on their face and let them play with my hair in exchange.

i want those cute things. but it seems really hard to find someone. sure there are some people to talk to but somehow they're gonna leave. they're gonna stop texting and start to disappear. and i've had enough of that.

i don't even know was it me or they're just basically assholes. but it sucks. it really does. this makes me think that i don't deserve to be with anyone, that i deserve to be alone and alone always.

maybe i do deserve that.

but i'm afraid i'd die alone. i'll be alone in the afterlife so i need to be with someone at least in this life.

i just want to know how does it feel to not be alone

[psychopathsgetbored]

fictional characters and why do i hold on to them

A while ago, I took a heartstopper test just for fun. I haven't even finished the show but I've read the books. And I got charlie as my match.

Charlie is a brilliant person. He's smart, he's sweet, he's lovely. But he doubts himself way too often. When I read the book, I can relate to some things about Charlie. So when I got Charlie as my result and it said "are you okay?", I was like, No, but thanks for asking. :D

Then I binge-watched the rest of the show with my best friend. And then this scene happened.

That's Tao, describing Charlie to Nick. I remember the moment I heard Tao said it, I felt exposed. I know he was not talking about me but it felt like he did. Some of my closest friends probably know how often I asked them whether or not I'm an annoying person. There are times when I feel like I'm so annoying and I deserve to be alone. Like I understand why people don't want to spend time with me. They probably can't stand being around me.

And then after I finished watching Heartstopper, I continued watching Loki which has officially become one of my favorite TV shows now. I can feel what Loki feels. His loneliness. His urge to have someone he can trust, someone who believes in him—someone who's just be there for him. Even though he's tough on the outside and seems like a heartless person, deep down he's a good person. And not everyone gets to see his sweet, good, soft side. And people usually judge him too early and too easily. The most painful scene I watched was that scene where Mobius punished Loki into this loop of Sif telling him that he deserves to be alone.

I cried, really. Hearing someone said that to you is definitely hurtful. Especially when it comes from someone you know. It's painful to hear someone says that exact sentence over and over again. I hope you know you deserve to be alone and you always will be. Damn, it feels like nobody wants you and it hurts.

Something that's even more hurtful is Loki's reaction after God knows how many times he hears it.

I'M SOBBING. It's like Loki is saying it for me. Like he knows I can never say that out loud, that I can never admit that to anyone so he said it just to let me know that I'm not alone.

And then Mobius comes and says:

At the moment, I feel like he was asking me too. Do you believe that you deserve to be alone? do I believe that I deserve to be alone?

I guess? I mean, I don't know. Maybe. Well, sometimes.

Well, honestly I don't know what I do and don't deserve anymore... How do I know that I deserve this? or that I don't deserve that?

I'm having a full on crisis here. Identity crisis. Existential crisis. But on the other hand, I have to live up to the expectation people put on me. It's exhausting to live around, pleasing and fulfilling people's expectation. That's not even living. It's like your life isn't even yours because you're trying so hard to do what people want you to do. You're so busy proving people's wrong that you don't even know whether or not is that what you want, or doing it makes you happy.

And when you don't fulfill that expectation, nobody wants you. And there you are again. Just by yourself. Completely on your own. No shoulder to cry on. No hands to hold your falling body. Nothing. Just you and you only.

I used to be a fun, cheerful person before some events took that away from me. I was once alive and now I forgot how to be. When you hurt so much in the past, you're just gonna start building huge walls around you and not letting anyone in. That's what happened with me. I stop trusting anyone and I'm having a huge trust issues toward everything. Because I'm scared. I'm scared to be hurt again. So I think I decided to pull myself out of everything, disconnected myself with a lot of people because as Sherlock said, Alone protects me.

It really does—sometimes. Being alone means that you won't be so hurt when things don't go the way you wanted. Or when people don't treat you the way you thought they would. But the thing about being alone is that you'll start to forget how to act or react whenever someone's being nice to you. I don't know whether it's just me or everyone feels the same but I can relate to Sherlock when someone's being nice or saying nice thing to me, I'd go:

Bottom line, I feel so connected with these fictional characters because sometimes I can relate to them. And to be frank with you, they're the ones that keep me sane the whole time. So if I have to make a thank you speech, I would thank every single fucking fictional characters whom I can relate to.

Thank you for being there when nobody else was.

Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone after all.

Thank you for saving my life.

[psychopathsgetbored]

nice while it lasted

Last night, exactly a minute before midnight, a good friend of mine complimented me when I told her that I am insecure. This is what she said:

I felt touched someone actually sees me as someone beautiful and brainy with a good behaviour. Most of the time, I don't know how to respond or even react to people complimenting me and most of the time I don't believe they genuinely think so. Most of the time I think that they said it just to be nice to me, just to be polite.

I grew up in a family that doesn't show affection to each other. Whenever someone achieves something, we don't really congratulate them—let alone saying that we're proud of them or give them a little gift for their hard work.

I barely get someone tell me that or even say that they appreciate something I do even though it's just a little thing. Now, I feel like I'm used to that and I don't know what to say except "Thank you".

But sometimes, it's nice to hear someone complimenting you once in a while. Sometimes it's good to know that you're actually a pretty good person, that you've been helpful for someone. It's nice to hear or read those kind words.

I think sometimes we need people's validation—not to be self-narcissistic but just to be sure that we're good, that we're not hurting anyone, that anyone is comfortable around us. Those kind words can maybe help us see that the world is worth living after all. Maybe those words can be a reason for us to stay sane, to stay alive.

It's nice to see that there's someone who sees good things in you when it's hard for you to see that yourself. And I wish I could see that too. I wish I could see good things people see in me.

But I don't know how.