fictional characters and why do i hold on to them
A while ago, I took a heartstopper test just for fun. I haven't even finished the show but I've read the books. And I got charlie as my match.
Charlie is a brilliant person. He's smart, he's sweet, he's lovely. But he doubts himself way too often. When I read the book, I can relate to some things about Charlie. So when I got Charlie as my result and it said "are you okay?", I was like, No, but thanks for asking. :D
Then I binge-watched the rest of the show with my best friend. And then this scene happened.
That's Tao, describing Charlie to Nick. I remember the moment I heard Tao said it, I felt exposed. I know he was not talking about me but it felt like he did. Some of my closest friends probably know how often I asked them whether or not I'm an annoying person. There are times when I feel like I'm so annoying and I deserve to be alone. Like I understand why people don't want to spend time with me. They probably can't stand being around me.
And then after I finished watching Heartstopper, I continued watching Loki which has officially become one of my favorite TV shows now. I can feel what Loki feels. His loneliness. His urge to have someone he can trust, someone who believes in him—someone who's just be there for him. Even though he's tough on the outside and seems like a heartless person, deep down he's a good person. And not everyone gets to see his sweet, good, soft side. And people usually judge him too early and too easily. The most painful scene I watched was that scene where Mobius punished Loki into this loop of Sif telling him that he deserves to be alone.
I cried, really. Hearing someone said that to you is definitely hurtful. Especially when it comes from someone you know. It's painful to hear someone says that exact sentence over and over again. I hope you know you deserve to be alone and you always will be. Damn, it feels like nobody wants you and it hurts.
Something that's even more hurtful is Loki's reaction after God knows how many times he hears it.
I'M SOBBING. It's like Loki is saying it for me. Like he knows I can never say that out loud, that I can never admit that to anyone so he said it just to let me know that I'm not alone.
And then Mobius comes and says:
At the moment, I feel like he was asking me too. Do you believe that you deserve to be alone? do I believe that I deserve to be alone?
I guess? I mean, I don't know. Maybe. Well, sometimes.
Well, honestly I don't know what I do and don't deserve anymore... How do I know that I deserve this? or that I don't deserve that?
I'm having a full on crisis here. Identity crisis. Existential crisis. But on the other hand, I have to live up to the expectation people put on me. It's exhausting to live around, pleasing and fulfilling people's expectation. That's not even living. It's like your life isn't even yours because you're trying so hard to do what people want you to do. You're so busy proving people's wrong that you don't even know whether or not is that what you want, or doing it makes you happy.
And when you don't fulfill that expectation, nobody wants you. And there you are again. Just by yourself. Completely on your own. No shoulder to cry on. No hands to hold your falling body. Nothing. Just you and you only.
I used to be a fun, cheerful person before some events took that away from me. I was once alive and now I forgot how to be. When you hurt so much in the past, you're just gonna start building huge walls around you and not letting anyone in. That's what happened with me. I stop trusting anyone and I'm having a huge trust issues toward everything. Because I'm scared. I'm scared to be hurt again. So I think I decided to pull myself out of everything, disconnected myself with a lot of people because as Sherlock said, Alone protects me.
It really does—sometimes. Being alone means that you won't be so hurt when things don't go the way you wanted. Or when people don't treat you the way you thought they would. But the thing about being alone is that you'll start to forget how to act or react whenever someone's being nice to you. I don't know whether it's just me or everyone feels the same but I can relate to Sherlock when someone's being nice or saying nice thing to me, I'd go:
Bottom line, I feel so connected with these fictional characters because sometimes I can relate to them. And to be frank with you, they're the ones that keep me sane the whole time. So if I have to make a thank you speech, I would thank every single fucking fictional characters whom I can relate to.
Thank you for being there when nobody else was.
Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone after all.
Thank you for saving my life.