My Life on Paper

Journaling/Diary

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Sometimes life feels too hard to go on..

-someone in pain

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Silence

The silence floats around me No one can hear me And no one can see me No one will know the way I feel It's better that way Sometimes I think of how I can get on with my life How to let someone in Inside my walls And inside my shell Into my soul When energies of the world surrounds me Between the sky and the sea And an eagle soars above me and the soft wind caresses me Then I am home When only silence comforts me We are all alone Our lonely souls circling in passing around and to each other I never protected my heart Until it was too late Our inner self forever changed Suspicious and withdrawn Someone no longer able to love another Someone who doesn't want to be loved anymore When the only one you can trust is yourself

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“I'm a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I'm lazy, yet ambitious. I don't generally like myself, but I also love who Iam. I say I don't care but I really do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I'm a conflicted contradiction; if I can't figure myselfout, there's no way anyone else has either.”

Original

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Forgotten

The thing that scares me the most is that she will forget about me...forget that I'm her mother, forget that she was in my womb, that I gave birth to her, that she has heard my heartbeat from the inside. That one day all I will be to her is a distant memory and a story...until I am forgotten completely. This scares me more than anything, the thought of that haunts me and pains me in ways unfathomable. That is my ultimate nightmare.

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The Darkness of Anxiety

I have been awake long enough to know that my head is a dangerous place to be for too long...overthinking, overanalyzing every particle of your life, inthe worst light possible. Anxiety drowns your mind with anything you can imagine...some days I feel like I'm rolling on cloud nine, like I am on top of the world when no one else is around. Other days, I feel like ripping my face off, removing every piece of skin I have on me. Some days the world feels alittle light as my heart beats faster than the wings of a hummingbird; other days i just wish to lock myself away, to disappear into to thin air. Most days I feel like this world has no place for me...I wish I had not been born.

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I’m Not Okay

I'm swimming in the darkness of my mind...just bobbing in and out of my feelings. Trying to stay a float, struggling to calm my breath down. Needing to find peace...but the loud crashing waves and the string stormy skies never cease. I don't think I'll ever be okay... The pain I feel is a slow burning, the kind that leaves you aching for days on end. Pulling away every time someone gets close, wanting them to let go, but at the same time begging them withyour eyes to notice you. It all comes in waves, leaving you more broken then before...because when it hits, it hits hard. This kind of pain, unfathomable to a person who hasn't yet felt it and no explanation needed for those who have felt it. Oh how I would give anything for it to end.

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It’s Just So Cruel...

Keeping young kiddos and their mothers away from each other has only one word that can describe it: CRUELTY. It is not only cruel to the mother but evenmore so to the child...because you are knowingly destroying a bond, that God intended for good and to last a lifetime. I would agree to the breaking of that bond, if the relationship is unhealthy for the child and termination of parental rights is necessary. But this is so NOT the case here, and never was.This is an act of vengeful hatefulness, which God views as sinful and against His word. Instead of exercising forgiveness and being accepting...the outcome of this was breaking apart a bond, a relationship that was formed before life outside was even started. The nerve of them is unreal and the hate in their hearts is strong. The endgame is unknown and unsettling at this point in time... The only thing I can do is to pray to God and give it all to Him. God and God alone is the only one in control.

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Mother & Daughter: Evilly Seperated

They're ripping my daughter's childhood from me and her and it is very wrong and unfair. It makes me physically sick inside; not getting to see her period is hurting not only me but melody alsois suffering. I am physically and I’m mentally distraught because of this, and quite frankly I think I'm handling it fairly well for my history with harassment and overbearance. All I want, all i need is to just be able to visit with her.

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Heartbroken💔

My heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces as are my babies’ too..nobody seems to care. No one seems to give a fuck about a mother seeing her kids. What is wrong with them? Have they no sympathy? Have they no compassion? Have they no shame for what they are doing to these children and their mother. What kind of corrupt measures are they willing to go to. I know I have God on my side and I know he will make everything right...but in the mean time I am drowning in the pain and sorrow of missing my babies; whom were in my womb, whom I gave birth to, whom I breastfed, whom I shared the most special, realest bond I've ever had with anyone. And it's being taken from me, stolen from me. I'm being robbed of my children's childhood, those special moments that i will never get back. Time is precious and its slowly slipping away from me, and i have no choice at all except to let it happen. And its bullshit. All of it. It shouldn't have to be this way. It never should have went this far. Because now things are just breaking apart even tinier and the time to repair it is closing in...my heart is unbelievably, undeniably, painstakingly broken. And I can do nothing but sit here and watch it unfathom even more...while my kids don't know how much I love them so incredibly and indescribably much... because I can't even tell them. That's why my heart, my world, my life is in shambles, ruins; torn from reality. And nobody gives a damn.

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My (humble and desperate) Prayer to God

Please oh God take the pain away that consumes me. You see my hurt and pain, I need you to pick me up and carry my through this part of my life because I cannot bear it alone. I am feeling so low, so depressed, so deprived. I know you will restore me but right now it feels impossible to see the light at the long of my long depressing path. The pain feels never ending and it's killing my spirit slowly, unkindly. It's getting incredibly hard to find the strength within. Losing my grip with reality is a dangerous slope; my mind is a dangerous place of self hated and torture...reminding me multiple times a day about my misfortunes. Only you Lord can bring me out of this hell that consumes, that is slowly burning me alive. Please God, show me a way out and a way back into my children's lives, however it may come about...whatever I have to do. They are worth more than anything in this whole world, they are worth more than my own life. I WILL do ANYTHING for them. Please God, I beg of you. Help me. Show me. Guide me. Use me. Bring us together. Show me the joy that is my children. I

In your heavenly name I pray,

Amen

I'm yours Jesus.

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Hanging On By a Thread

I'm barely holding on to what I know can be restored by God. Barely keeping my faith, barely surviving, barely breathing and hardly living. How can I live this way, with so much pain, with so much regret, with so much anger, with so much agony, without the three things that make me the happiest. How can I live? ...my mind is like a war zone, wounded, fighting, bleeding...this is what my life has come to, a never ending war with people who know not the meaning of forgiveness. Whom would rather win then coexist. Who want to see me suffer instead of thrive and who don't mind taking the things that matter most to me. People who are just downright mean; bullies. This unkindness is killing me in ways that they could never possibly understand and which is creating a hatred in my heart that I do not like at all. It's turning me into a version of myself who I do not want to be. Help me.

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The Black Hole

What is life without my precious little babies. I'll tell you what it is: PURE HELL. The worst kind of pain imaginable, the kind of pain that you wouldn't even wish on your worst enemy. The kind of pain that feels almost impossible to come back from. The kind of pain that slowly kills from the inside out...and makes you, at times, not want to wake up, because you know that nothing has changed and your life is still a shitty excuse for an existence. Hardship isn't even a close enough word to describe it, more like a hellish pit of fire that consumes you every second of the day and the only way to escape it is not simply not feeling...anything. Not feeling anything for a little while, escaping from the firey pit that has become your life. That no one can get you out of and you are beginning to think that no-one wants to help you get out of there. That they just want to leave you in to burn and die, to be erased from the memory of this world. Forgotten, unloved. Just an unknown speck of dirt that is meaningless. Someone please reach down and save me from this black hole that is consuming me, called my life.