I wish I could hate you, but it’d be a sin to forget you.
I don’t wish to forget you, because forgetting you would be forgetting that I truly do know how to love; something I’ve always thought I was incapable of. I wish I could hate you, I wish you would do something, anything, that would make me hate you so much I would turn my back and never think twice about it. You bounce in and out of my life as you please, and I let you. I’m powerless over that. And, oh god, I mean that with my whole being: POWERLESS. If I could hate you, then maybe eventually I would heal from that, and finally be able to move forward and look for another to love. But because I can’t hate you, because I could NEVER hate you, I won’t ever truly be happy, won’t ever be able to experience a meaningful, nourished, and healthy relationship. I compare every potential mate I meet to you. You are the end all, be all. My alpha and omega. I feel disgusted with myself when I meet someone new, because I can’t feel anything for them. I can’t feel anything for anyone anymore.
Nearly 10 years of being in love with you and not being able to be with you has fucking ruined me. My heart belongs to you, my soul is anchored to yours, and every day I can’t be with you, rips me to shreds more and more. I think the one thing that hurts the most is that for the first 6 years of this, I knew you felt the same way towards me. I had no doubt that you had the same love for me that I have for you. But for the last 4 years, the doubt has crept in and I don’t know what I believe anymore. I feel that I’ve wasted my heart on someone that never truly intended to be with me the way they said they wanted to be. I know I played a part in making you want to be more distant. I know my being in relationships made you feel like I was the one that was being untrue when I spilled my heart to you a million times. But what was I supposed to do? You proved to me time and time again that you couldn’t be there for me the way that I needed you to be. You’re across the country, and you never planned to do anything about that. You knew that because of the distance, there needed to be communication, this all RELIED on communication. Yet you let your fault of being a shitty communicator take precedent over your feelings, over our love. You had so many chances to do something so simple. Or at least, I thought it was simple; all of the people I’ve gone to about this thought it was simple. Maybe there’s more to your side of this, maybe there really is something going on inside of you that made it so hard to keep your promises to me, but how would I ever know? You never let me in, you never gave me the chance to try and understand your side of things. I’ve tried so damn hard to shut you out...
You once told me that I was the one your “red string of fate” was tied to. You went on and on for days on end about your love for me, about our bond and about how we needed each other. You said no matter what, we would find our way back to each other again and again. You were right, we have this stupid fucking magnetic attraction to each other, on some ridiculous level that no one understands. I reach out to you, you reach out to me, I reach out to you, over and over and over. It never ends. I’m the one you come to when things get out of hand in your life, and you’re the one I run to when my life begins to fall apart and I feel I can’t get a hold of things.
I don’t know who I would be if I had never fallen in love with you.
Probably someone happier.
For now, I continue on this hellish path of life, thinking of you daily, aching in a way I can’t ever accurately describe. Feeling alone in this world, unloved and scared.
Knowing you will never be with the only one you’ve ever been in love with, that’s a pain that no one deserves. Knowing no one could ever compare to you... So unfair to all the men that have loved me, completely unaware of the fact that my heart could never really be theirs.
My heart....that’s funny right? It hasn’t been mine in years.
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