While it's still fresh in my mind I would like to unpack why the new muppets first episode was the single shittiest thing I've seen in the past three years. Please keep in mind I was forced to watch part of Downton Abbey this year.
The first scene sets up for my visceral reaction to the rest of the episode. Kermit laments in a fictional ABC parking lot as he returns to work on his now ex-girlfriend's (Miss Piggy's) show. Writers of this show will fall for the inventible trap that they will convince themselves that THIS is the reason I didn't like the show. I wish to dispel immediately. In fact, this was the part I was most routing for. When I heard Kermit was taking on a less abusive romantic interest my mind was instantly populated with wonder to where this could take the show in terms of muppet themed romantic hijinks and drama. It was this reason I had such high hopes for it. No longer were the muppets going to be chained to an old formula, no longer were any unwanted dynamics of the old characters going to bog down this new edgy show!
Cut to the muppets' sitting around a tired old table in front of the tired, old and bare ABC stage holding a pre-production meeting. The first quip is from the cockroach, this was the only line I can't fully hear due to the shell shock of being dropped back into the same premise as 30 Rock with no attempt to hide the similarities by even using the same set. I liked 30 Rock... Maybe I'll like this. My senses return and I catch the end of the cockroach's joke. It's something to do with a relative being pregnant but since he's a cockroach, the relative is pregnant cockroach with a very large number of babies. This joke was in the muppets' version of the Christmas Carol, aptly named: The Muppets' Christmas Carol. I recalled Rizzo making the joke about large rat families in that movie, and it being one of my favorites, but then I remember the overused nostalgia tropes in today's entertainment versus crafting the new and I feel a wave of sobriety wash over me.
Hmmm... okay maybe from this point on things will be fresh. Gonzo makes a hyper self aware joke about the tropes of the documentary technique in office comedies. I die a little inside recalling the times when the technique was fresh. It doesn't help that Gonzo is glaring directly at me either. For those keeping track Gonzo has one more speaking line after this.
Kermit is in trouble. He wants to book the famous blonde actress Lady-whats-her-name so Miss Piggy can interview her. Miss Piggy has some kind of history with blonde woman, this causes Kermit some grief.
Then we discover Fozzy the Bear is in a relationship with a human woman. She too is blonde but is not the famous one. The "boyfriend meets girlfriend's different ethnic family scene" from Anchorman 2 plays out but instead it's a bear. Bear jokes are made. The delivery of the bear's reaction and subsequent response of everyone else is out of place. Very much so for a "does a bear shit in the woods" joke. Wakka wakka wakka. The bear rips off his girlfriend's clothes and two of her limbs and starts violently humping the hostess. Things have gotten out of hand.
Suddenly the show springs to life, the next scene has Kermit's assistant Scooter keeping famous Blonde away from Miss Piggy. Instead of the awkward assistant channeling forced whine-o rage from a golf chart, he takes action and dives into a food stand to get into a good position so he may hurl some beets at Famous. The call-back to Dwight's love of the foodage from The Office is refreshing but subtle as it hurdles toward the camera and kills the cameraman.
A long and extended scene of frog on pig action plays between Kermit and the new pig love interest. Miss Piggy Bursts into the bedroom with sexual rage and joins the fray. Kermit is immediately squashed to death between two sets of massive pork buns.
With my raging boner in hand I slump over and look at the mess I have wrought. I've soiled my last pair of pants. I remove and burn them and step outside to meet a new day.
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