tilting at windmils

XO of the Canterbury. Captain of the Rocinante. Survivor of Eros. "Hero of the Belt". Tilting at windmills. Patron Saint of Lost Causes. Desperate for coffee. Independent RP Blog for James Holden of the Expanse books and Series by shan [Under construction]

[quixoticcaptain]

;; fell asleep as soon as I finished it but here’s a bi-con for pride month

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n. 

SHE  WAS  AWARE  THEY’D  HAVE  MORE  DISAGREEMENTS  IN  THE  FUTURE.     that  was  bound  for  any  relationships,   no  matter  how  good  it  was.     but  being  able  to  discuss  whatever  came  up  and  deal  with  it  together,    it  helped  lower  the  anxiety  that  followed  letting  people  in  their  lives  again.     and  one  day  she  could  even  see  herself  lowering  her  walls  and  feeling  safe.   but  that  were  more  of  a  future  issue.    it  hadn’t  been  easy  to  date  again.   truth  to  be  told  she  didn’t  plan  to  do  that  in  the  first  place.    but  jim  had  made  her  feel  in  ways  she  didn’t  think  she’d  ever  feel  again  and  he  hadn’t  been  a  stranger  to  filip.    having  already  spent  time  talking  about  filip,   seeing  him  care  about  filip’s  progress,  as  the  rest  of  his  students,  was  a  plus.    so  she  gave  him  a  chance,  one  she  might  have  been  more  reluctant  to  give,  and  she  hadn’t  regretted  it  despite  their  ups  and  downs.

her  eyes  softened  when  he  squeezed  her  hand.    it  was  comforting  that  he  understood,   that  she  could  tell  him  when  something  bothered  her  without  backlash,   that  her  boundaries  were  valued.     naomi  knew  now  this  was  how  every  relationship  should  be.    but  having  confirmation  of  this  didn’t  hurt.      “   i will.   ”     she  said  definetively,   her  voice  devoid  of  her  previous  anxiety.     “    i’ll  try  to  communicate  it  more  before  things  escalate.    i  promise.    ”      she  couldn’t  promise  him  that  it’d  never  affect  her  again,   not  when  she  still  had  things  to  work  through.    but  she  could  promise  to  tell  him  when  he  overstepped  or  she  needed  space.    “   and  thank  you,  ”    naomi  paused,  taking  a  sip  from  her  mug.   yet,  those  words  held  more  weight,  more  meaning,   than  what  she  was  about  to  say  next.   she  wanted  to  thank  him  for  being  so  open  and  willing  to  talk  this  through  but  she  didn’t  say  that  out  loud.     “   for  making  my  coffee  just  how  i  like  it.   ”    she  covered  it  up  with  something  more  mundane  than  her  original  sentiment,   but  she  did  offer  him  a  genuine  smile  for  the  first  time  since  their  fight.

he didn’t tell her, but most times, holden could at least tell when he’d upset her. or at least, felt like he could. but naomi had never hurt him. not like that, anyway. confused him, sure. left him at a loss, yeah. it happened in new relationships. learning boundaries, figuring out insecurities. he wanted this to work, and to make it work, they needed to be on the same page. he could fix whatever he’s doing and adapt to her needs, as long as he knew what they were. maybe they could build something better and stronger. for her and for filip. and for him. “okay,” he replied, brushing his thumb over her knuckles. “and i’ll do my best to learn what you need from me. or don’t. i promise.” a promise for a promise. it was only fair. she shouldn’t be the only one making concessions, and she wouldn’t be.

her thanks, her smile, melted whatever tension he had left out of his shoulders, and his smile widened. “if i can do anything, it’s that. remembering how people like their coffee.” he often joked it was his love language, but really he didn’t know what it was. but anything could happen over a cup of coffee. so he could always start there. taking a breath, holden worked over the thought in his head, how he should say it. because he needed her to know. he shifted, leaning forward to get a better grip on her hand. “listen,” he started, willing himself to sound upbeat so she could tell what he said wasn’t bad, just... a lot. true. “i can’t thank you and filip enough for welcoming me into this. especially knowing what i know now. i can only wish i make you just a fraction of how happy as you both make me. for however long this goes.” he needed her to know that, not for himself, but for her. to know that making them happy was what he wanted, not just caring for his own happiness. they deserved everything he could give them. everything he wanted to give them. he needed her to see that and the truth in it. 

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

SHE  HAD  TO  ASK,   JUST  LIKE  SHE  HAD  TO  ASK  THAT  PREVIOUS  QUESTION.    the  fact  that  she  could  do  that  though  and  the  only  thing  that  followed  was  a  conversation  already  showed  how  different  it  was  from  last  time.     and  that,   along  with  his  confirmation  that  he  didn’t  approach  them  with  that  in  mind,   she  was  able  to  somewhat  calm  herself.     she  listened,   as  he  explained  about  his  job,   about  his  students.     naomi  knew  he  was  good  with  them,   how  much  he  cared.    she’d  seen  it  in  filip’s  excitement,   how  he  talked  about  what  things  they  did  in  class.   but  it  became  more  than  that.   he  loved  them,   that  was  something  that  was  simply  theirs.    the  three  of  theirs  anyway.   she  didn’t  know  exactly  how  to  respond  except  nod  to  show  she  understood,   she  accepted  it.    at  his  next  words  well,  she  tried  to  hide  her  smile  behind  taking  a  sip  of  coffee  but  failed.     “   lucky  me  then.  ”     her  voice  held  no  teasing.     she  did  feel  lucky  he’d  walked  into  their  lives,   even  with  days  like  this.

naomi  slowly  raised  her  eyes  from  her  mug,   trying  her  best  to  stay  composed.   bringing  up  marco  would  always  be  like  scratching  a  half  healed  wound.    however  minor  or  brief  the  mention  was.    but  she  was  met  with  his  hand  laying  there  for  her  to  take.    she’d  assumed  the  worst,   she’d  asked  questions  that  without  a  doubt  had  hurt  him  and  in  return  he  reached  out.   understanding,  open  and  patient  with  the  parts  of  herself  she  could  offer  him.      she  wanted  to  both  cry  and  laugh,   because  this  couldn’t  be  more  different  that  what  she  was  used  to.    but  instead  she  covered  his  hand  with  hers,   squeezing  for  a  short  moment  and  then  kept  holding  it.       “  it’s  why  you’re  so  easy  to  love,   among  other  things.   ”    it  was  clear  how  he  dealt  with  trust,    how  easily  he  shared  things  with  her.    part  of  her  was  glad  he  had  never  felt  that  pain.     “    i  know.   i  do.   ”     he  wasn’t  like  marco.    he  proved  that  with  his  actions.    but  that  didn’t  stop  her  brain  from  making  those  connections.     “    i  didn’t  tell  you  this  for  sympathy.    i  just  want  you  to  understand  that  some  days  it  affects  me  more  than  i  want  to,   even  though  i  realize  the  last  thing  you’d  ever  want  is  to  hurt  me  and  filip.   ”     even  though  she  really,  truly  loved  jim  and  wanted  this,  them,  to  work.

holden would probably never forget the first time he saw naomi. breezing in to the open house 10 minutes after it had ended, leading with apologies about work and missing the bus and nearly running there from another stop. it took him an embarrassingly long time to think of anything other than how beautiful she was. but it wasn’t that that had him pulling down one a couple of the chairs and staying late to talk to her about filip. it was how much she valued making sure they met, and talking about filip and his progress. so he stayed. and he never regretted it. “nah, i’m the lucky one. you both gave me a chance after everything you’ve been through.” he would have understood if naomi had turned him down, when he finally asked her out. he would have understood if filip had rejected him as his mom’s boyfriend. but those things hadn’t happened. yet. he tried not to think beyond that. 

when she squeezed his hand, he squeezed back. giving her a little bit of his strength. not that she needed it, but he had it to spare and not much use for it. he’d already mostly moved past the ache in his heart. he tried to hold back his smile. he didn’t always see himself as easy to love. he knew how frustrating he could be. stubborn. a little overbearing in his care. probably a dozen other things. but naomi thought he was easy to love. he believed it when she said it. “i get it,” he assured her, though she did also have his sympathies. she didn’t need to know that part, just that he understood. he couldn’t promise her that any fight like their wouldn’t hurt. that he wouldn’t feel like he’s messed up or like he’d hurt them. but he could remember. and try not to make her feel that way again. “thank you, for telling me. i don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me when it’s a bad day, or when you need me to back off. you shouldn’t have your boundaries pushed, even if it’s an accident.” it was the only way he could know. the only way he could ensure he didn’t start something else with her.

[quixoticcaptain]

;; work has been tough and tomorrow i’m heading to NYC but sunday imma try and be here to bang out posts

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised || nagata, n.

SHE’D  SPENT  YEARS  TIPTOEING  DURING  CONVERSATION,   wondering  if  whatever  she  said  would  cause  the  next  outburst  or  be  later  used  against  her.    although  outburst  was  a  strong  word,   because  he  always  knew  how  to  cover  it  up  just  enough  to  hurt  but  not  enough  for  her  to  call  him  out.    suffice  to  say  her  guard  was  up.   even  if  she  knew  she  didn’t  have  to  worry  about  that  with  jim.    they  could  talk  openly,  especially  about  things  that  hurt  them.     she  accepted  the  drink  as  she  sat  across  him,   holding  the  cup  with  both  of  her  hands  while  she  listened.    it  wasn’t  a  no,    a  definitive  no  and  that  didn’t  do  much  to  calm  down  the  worry  in  her  stomach.     but  the  way  jim  spoke  about  it,   it  didn’t  seem  planned.     “    but  it  wasn’t  a  conscious  choice,  was  it ?   ”      would  that  be  enough  ?     would  she  be  able  to  live  with  that  ?    the  fact  that  subconsciously  he  wanted  to  be  apart  of  a  family,   and  them  falling  in  love  just  happened  on  its  own  but  it  also  happened  to  fullfill  that  need.

jim  had  always  been  upfront,   he  told  her  exactly  what  he  meant.   but  she  couldn’t  help  but  question  him,   question  his  words  and  she  hated  that  she  did.     because  naomi  knew  that  was  more  of  her  issue  than  one  of  his.    and  she  hated  that  in  a  way  it  was  marco  that  had  that  effect  on  her.     naomi  paused  to  take  a  sip  from  her  coffee  first,   and  try  to  shake  that  off.    he  knew  he  loved  them.    that  ought  to  be  enough.   and  despite  the  fear  in  her  gut,   she  didn’t  want  to  lose  this,    to  lose  jim.    not  when  it  felt  like  the  best  thing  that’d  happened  to  her  life  in  a  long  while.     “   you’ve  been  good  to  filip,  and  for  him.   ”   this  whole  argument  started  because  of  trust  and  she  wanted  him  to  know  that  she  saw  that.   “   and  to  me,  as  well.   ”    he  knew  things  hadn’t  been  great  before.   that  she  had  fought  over  filip’s  custody  but  he  didn’t  truly  know  what  had  happened.   but  for  her  next  words,   she  had  to  look  to  her  mug  instead  of  him.     “   but  filip’s  father…   he  always  knew  the  right  thing  to  say  while  he  thought  of  us  as  someone  he  could  control  and  use  for  his  own  ambitions.    ”     it’s  so  much  more  than  that  but  she’s  not  ready  to  share  the  whole  rundown  of  her  past.   just  enough  so  he  can  understand  partially  where  she’s  coming  from.   it’s  now,   she  tries  to  meet  his  eyes  again.    “   so  it’s  hard  for  me  to  trust.   ”     not  just  him  but  anyone.

as naomi sat across from him, some of his own tension melted away. things weren’t okay, yet, but they could talk. it was something. he waited for her response, his insides eating themselves. somehow, he could still be surprised. her new question felt like a fresh punch to the gut, even if he understood it as much as he understood the first one. “no, no of course not.” he sighed, took a sip of his coffee to gather his thoughts for his next explanation. an easier one, but no less important. “you know... i love teaching. but part of why i do it is knowing those kids are like my own for however long i’m their teacher. fulfilling that need for me. i loved filip and i loved you before i even considered what it meant for me.” he could help the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth at his next thought, as he tapped his fingertips against the sides of his mug. “i promise i didn’t get a crush on every single mom that came into my classroom. just you.” and he had to wait an agonizing year before he could even think about asking her out, with filip in his class. he didn’t get over her in all that time. he hadn’t felt like that in years.

he tried to do his best by them. to be there when they needed, to get them what they needed, to be what they needed. it was clear they only had each other, that naomi did everything even when it stretched her thin. the easiest way to show her how much he cared about them had always been helping. doing what he could to keep her free and with filip as much as possible. knowing she thought he was good to them, for filip... that’s all he wanted. all he needed. she didn’t talk about filip’s father much. he knew it had been bad. but he never asked for details, never asked what happened. if she didn’t talk about him it was for good reason. but it made sense. why she kept walls up. why she’d be afraid he was using them just to keep himself from being alone. why his asking her about trust would cause her to lash out. he let out a breath, watching her stare into her coffee. slowly, he laid a hand out on the table, palm up, if she wanted to take it. “i’m sorry. trust comes so naturally for me.... i forget sometimes. everyone has a past.” holden trusted like it was the easiest thing in the world. but no one had hurt him like naomi had been. “i'm not him. i don’t want to be that to you. to filip.”

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised || nagata, n.

@quixoticcaptain​ gets a plotted starter

TRUTH  TO  BE  TOLD,    she  expected  this  outburst  to  come  from  filip  not  from  herself.    about  how  she  was  changing  their  day  to  day  lives,   about  loving  someone  else.    she’d  always  been  so  focused  on  filip,   on  trying  to  undo  whatever  hurt  had  been  left  from  marco’s  behavior,   on  giving  him  the  love,  safety,  stability  that  lacked  from  their  lives  before.    that  she  hadn’t  thought  of  how  it’d  affected  her.   or  more  so,   how  it  would  affect  her  later  relationships,  because  she  was  painfully  aware  of  everything  she’d  given  up  to  please  marco  and  the  effort  she’d  poured  to  rebuilt  herself.     still,   it’d  trap  her  into  terrible  thoughts,   unable  to  trust  even  when  something  good  happened  to  her.    “   jim…  can  we  talk ?   ”    she  knew  she  had  to  make  this  right  or  at  the  very  least  they  had  to  talk  this  through.

she’d  taken  some  time  to  think.   to  approach  it  with  a  clearer  mind  rather  than  letting  her  trauma  cloud  her.    jim  had  trusted  her,   shared  things  with  her  that  she  then,  threw  right  back  to  his  face.   because  she  was  scared  she’d  signed  them  up  for  a  repeat  of  the  past.   because  sometimes  it  was  still  hard  to  see  the  people  close  to  her  and  not  think  they  would  use  her  to  get  what  they  wanted.     “   what  i  said,   i  was  being  unfair  to  you.   ”     she  kept  a  certain  distance,   not  so  much  in  the  literal  sense,   but  she  wasn’t  reaching  out  to  him  as  she  normally  would.   however,  she  was  genuine  in  her  words.    “   i’m  sorry.   ”    what  was  there  to  say  besides  genuinely  apologizing ?

the fight was a blur, now. holden wasn’t even sure how it started, exactly. something about feelings or trust or vulnerability—about the only things that came up in conflict between them—probably something he said or did, maybe overstepped with Flilip. but he knew exactly how it ended. he’d asked her if she trusted him, with her, with Filip. she asked him how could she. because really, how could she when she didn’t know if he loved them, or the idea of bring part of their family. an innocent enough question on it’s own. but not for him. not when the idea of having a family of his own is less a question of ability and moreso one of will and effort. he could see how he might look to her: a lonely guy used to having a big family who happened to find one he could just fit into. but he never saw them that way, and he never expected to hear his relationship insecurities thrown at him. it was a fair question, really. but it didn’t make it hurt less. and it left him wondering... was she right?

that was the question he kept turning over in his brain as he tried to work on lesson plans. he knew he loved them. he did. there wasn’t a question of that in his mind. but... had he ever thought about it? that it was a family he could insert himself into? he wasn’t sure. when he’d told Naomi about his illness and everything that came with it, it was a relief. but now... he wasn’t sure. not because Naomi questioned him, but because he questioned him. eventually he gave up on the lesson plans and moved to making coffee instead. that’s where Naomi found him. they would have to talk about this eventually. they always talked eventually. he usually loved that. but with this new dread in his stomach, this uncertainty, he wasn’t sure. but he couldn’t say no. “yeah, sure. i’ll pour you a cup.” he placed two mugs—one black, one with three creams—on the table, pushing the one with cream towards her. she spoke, and he listened. “i know,” he said softly. he’d already forgiven her, that wasn’t an issue. “thank you. i’m sorry, too.” he sank back into his chair, watched the steam rise from his mug. “i’m sorry because i’m not sure I can honestly answer you. i keep thinking about it, and i don’t know. i know i love you both, and that i love us. but i can’t say i didn’t think about it, because i don’t know, and i’m sorry i don’t.”

[quixoticcaptain]

thinking about how weird holden probably feels when the war is over, and he’s no longer like ~responsible for anyone but himself and his crew~ and if he feels a little lost at times, or even useless (since like his ~role~ on the ship is less tangential than the others, but i’d imaging it especially feeling so if they’re not like in the middle of a job or anything like that) 

like i’m sure for a guy like holden who only ever wanted that freedom, it’s a relief. but when all he’s been doing for years is BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR THINGS.... i’m sure it also leaves him in a bit of a Place

[atbeltraised]

❛   it’s more important to try to help people than to know that you did. more important that someone else’s life gets better than for you to feel good about yourself. you never know the effect you might have on someone, not really.

INDEPENDENT  &  SELECTIVE  ROLEPLAY  BLOG  FOR  NAOMI  NAGATA  OF  THE  EXPANSE.  SHOW  BASED + CANON  COMPLIANT.  WRITTEN  BY SUN.

maybe one core thing you said haunts them forever. maybe one moment of kindness gives them comfort or courage. maybe you said the one thing they needed to hear. it doesn’t matter if you ever know. you just have to try.   ❜

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

SHE  KNEW  THIS  CONVERSATION  WAS  ONE  THAT  NEEDED  TO  HAPPEN.    before  she  had  left,   while  they  had  reconciled  from  her  betrayal,   some  things  were  left  unsaid  and  some  things  regarding  their  relationship  were  uncertain.    she  didn’t  have  all  the  answers  then,   mostly  about  what  her  place  was  in  the  system.     but  she  could  give  him  some  answers  now.    her  lips  tugged  upwards,  in  a  timid  smile,   as  he  spoke.    as  he  explained  he  understood  that  it  was  hard  for  her  to  say  it  and  that  he  could  read  it  in  all  the  other  ways  she  tried  to  show  him.    still,  naomi  understood  that  sometimes  he  needed  to  hear  it.     “    i’m  not  ever  going  to  say  something  i  don’t  want  or  i’m  not  ready,   just  because  of  you.    ”      if  she  ever  felt  like  she  had  to,   well,  she'd  be  long  gone  from  the  roci  by  then.    but  naomi  now  knew  she  could  trust  him  with  that,   to  not  hurt  her  like  that,   even  with  his  flaws.    as  he  continued  to  speak,    her  smile  widened  even  more.    “   that  means  a  lot.  ”     she  didn’t  need  his  approval,   but  to  hear  he  was  proud  of  her  meant  more  than  she  thought  it  would.    at  the  very  least,   it  showed  he  understood  how  important  this  choice  was  to  naomi.

“    and  you're  right  it  wasn't  about  you  or  even  us.   ”      she  was  more  serious  now,     but  she  wasn’t  upset.      “   but  you're  allowed  to  have  feelings,  sasa  ke ?   ”     holden  didn’t  have  to  apologize  about  that,    he  could  worry  about  their  relationship  especially  with  how  uncertain  things  were.   and  she  couldn’t  fault  him  for  that.      “    you'd  be  an  asshole  if  you  tried  to  stop  me  because  you  were  scared  or  worried  but  you  didn’t.    ”      if  that  had  happened  she  wouldn’t  have  ever  returned.    and  well,  she’d  think  of  him  of  more  than  an  asshole  if  that  had  happened.    she  mauled  over  her  next  words  longer.    how  to  say  things  herself  was  still  going  over.    she  had  to  try  to  see  if  it  was  just  her  trauma  that  caused  her  to  run  away,   or  if  it  was  truly  something  that  she  didn’t  fit  in.     “    i  don’t  have  a  place  in  the  opa  and  i  never  will.    ”      she  thought  she  was  doing  good,   and  she  did  for  the  most  part.     but  in  the  end  her  work  had  still  been  used  and  for  the  wrong  reasons.    all  her  efforts  into  converting  the  behemoth  so  the  belt  could  protect  itself,    ended  up  being  what  nearly  killed  her  family.    naomi  doesn’t  regret  her  time  there,   not  truly,   because  it  answered  a  question  that  would  otherwise  always  hung  over  her  head.    she  reached  out  taking  his  hand  and  lacing  their  fingers  together,   just  like  they  had  on  the  behemoth.      “    my  home  is  here  with  you  and  the  guys,   despite  what  happened.    ”       it’s  where  she  wanted  it  to  be,    and  she  hoped  that  answered  his  worries  about  their  relationship.

holden nodded as Naomi spoke. over the long course of their relationship, the hills and valleys and more than rocky roads, he learned and understood everything his parents had told him about love but he’d just dismissed. that it was as hard as it was wonderful, that it was work. but he’d learned on his own that even if Naomi ever became more vocal, leaned more into his literature-fueled idea of what he wanted... he wasn’t sure he wanted that as much as how Naomi did show her love to him. he craved the way she loved him. “i know. and i would never want you to. while you were gone... I realized that i didn’t want that, or anything i did before. just you, and this thing we have.” he shifted, turning to he could lean against the side of their bunk, letting his one leg hang off the side of their bed. he sighed, let his gaze fall to his hands as he picked at a nail. “i guess... not having it, not feeling it, having you so far away and not being able to talk about it with you? made it more precious. i wouldn’t change it. or you. and i wouldn’t have realized it if you hadn’t left. if i had tried to stop you.” which was what had left him so scared, in the end. that he finally understood, but if everything hadn’t happened as it had... he might have lost the chance to tell her. and could have lost this—her—forever. he never would have tried to stop her, but it made him doubly glad he hadn’t.

it was holden’s turn to work through what he was going to say next. as hard as this had been for him, he can only imagine what Naomi had gone through. she didn’t talk to him about the things Belters said about them, about her. the things he knew deep down they did even if they didn’t say it to him. she’d worked for an Inner company, with Inners, then shipped with them and she could have left. there were many things about her that Belters could take issue with... and yet she threw herself into the OPA’s biggest project yet: their own flagship. because she might not have been OPA, but she was a Belter. and so was her son. something he’d never know, but he certainly understood. “you know... even on the Cant, when I was making a complete ass off myself, i knew you were far too talented, too smart, to be doing work like that. you could have been helping Fred and the OPA build and repair ships all along, but you kept that rickety ice hauler afloat anyway. and i get why, now.” she took his hand, and he looked back up at her again, gave her hand a squeeze. he listened to her assurance and smiled. because he believed her, and it calmed the sea of worries in his gut. she chose them. he just had to make sure she knew he wouldn’t take that for granted again. “you could be so much more than us. than this. but I’m glad you’re here. that this is enough. and that you’re happy here.” he would have let her go if it wasn’t, if she hadn’t been. and maybe it would have killed him to. but it didn’t matter because she was here, with him.

[quixoticcaptain]

;; me any time i’ve not been online for a few days: time to catch up on all the @beltraised meta posts and like them all

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

she  let  out  a  satisfied  sigh  at  their  kiss,   even  if  it  could  barely  be  called  that.    any  way  they  touched  was  always  welcomed.    that  had  come  first  after  all,    and  it  was  always  easier  for  her  to  give  and  receive.     naomi  wouldn’t  really  blame  him,   not  for  this,    but  she  did  have  a  little  too  much  fun  teasing  him,   in  public.     and  they  both  would  enjoy  the  promise  she  made  him.     “   after  all  these  years,   your  optimism  rubbed  off  on  me.    ”     she  didn’t  say  it  like  a  bad  thing.   it  was  just  for  a  large  part  of  her  she  couldn’t  afford  to  be.    not  when  at  times  her  survival  depended  on  it.     but  things  had  changed,   and  it  was  easier  to  imagine  things  like  that.    and  how  could  she  not  want  to  be  with  him  for  their  following  years  ?   if  there  was  something  she  was  certain  of,   it  was  that.

truthfully  naomi  expected  him  to  turn  it  down  but  he  didn’t  outright  refuse  her  request  which  was  promising.      “    we  can  take  it  slow.    ”    she  reassured  him  at  their  close  distance,  brushing  her  nose  against  his.     besides  that  wasn’t  even  really  the  point  she  asked  him.    naomi  enjoyed  dancing,  yes,   but  she  didn’t  care  how  good  or  not  he  was  at  it.      it  was  more  so,   doing  something  fun,    something  normal,   together.     “    so  no  blackmail  material  to  show  or  tell  the  others  later,   got  it.    ”     she  was  joking,  even  though  amos  would  possibly  ask  for  video  footage  if  he  knew.     but  she  didn’t  want  to  make  him  overthink  this  as  he  was  prone  to  do.    so  she  used  their  proximity  to  capture  his  lips  in  a  proper  kiss,    one  of  their  usual  ones,    those  that  lingered.     her  eyes  stayed  closed  for  a  moment  longer,    even  as  they  pulled  apart.      “    i  promise,  honey.   ”      her  tone  was  genuine  this  time  as  her  fingers  brushed  some  of  his  locks  away  from  his  forehead.    “   i’ll  only  laugh  with  you.   ”

holden laughed, a small one, a puff of breath. his optimism rubbing off on Naomi seemed wild, given how everyone spoke of his somehow endless well of it. but... well. if there was anything of him that he could say he’d like to rub off on people... optimism seemed the best thing. he liked his optimism. “hmm... did it now? all the things you could have picked up from me and you take optimism? i guess i can’t complain.” and if she was so optimistic that he could dance, even slow, he could reward that. and would. “i can do slow. i’m patient.” a farmer had to be, and that’s what he was once. he knew patience like the back of his hand. “and i will remain optimistic that you won’t make fun of me later.”

when she kissed him, the whole world fell away. it always did. there was no bar around them, no drinkers or dancers. just the two of them. if he didn’t already share her belief that they’d spend the rest of their lives together, every kiss they shared would. when she pulled away, his eyes fluttered open to see hers remained closed. just like he often did. she was beautiful, and he was so damn lucky. “all right,” he breathed, as her fingers brushed his skin. he’d agree to anything if it meant she kept touching him like that. he reached for his drink—he’d have to down the rest to be ready for whatever Naomi had in mind for their dance. their first in public, if one could believe it. “i trust you. let’s dance.” they’d be the talk of the town if anyone noticed. and for once? holden didn’t care.

[rocicrew]

EMOJI ASSOCIATION CHALLENGE

@jaqobis asked:  🔥    →    nolden in 2.01

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

the  look  she  gave  him  was  one  of  disbelief.    even  if  she  partially  expected  it.     it  wasn’t  the  only  time  he’d  tried  to  pretend  he  was  fine  or  downplay  things  because  the  rest  were  also  hurting.       “   of  course  i  did.   ”      they  were  partners  and  despite  how  hard  the  past  few  months  were,    it  wasn’t  something  that  could’ve  just  flown  by  unnoticed.   at  his  explanation,  naomi  nodded  to  acknowledge  the  words,  and  offered  one  of  her  own.      “   i just ,   ”     she  shrugged  with  a  gesture.      “   didn’t  want  to  push  you.   ”      she  tried  to  explain.     he  always  offered  her  the  space  she  needed,   and  she  figured  it  was  something  he  needed,  to  pretend  she  didn’t  worry  about  it.    but  well,   she  wanted  him  to  take  care  of  himself.     whether  that  was  food,  or  sleep.   now  seemed  a  better  time  to  voice  it  and  maybe  he  needed  to  hear  it  too.     she  focused  on  making  the  kibble  with  the  same  amount  of  attention  and  passion  as  she  always  did,    despite  how  many  times  she  prepared  it.    an  exhale  came  through  her  nose,  almost  a  snort.       “    can’t  say  i  ever  did.    ”      there  were  a  lot  of  things  she  never  imagined  or  thought  possible  about  her  future  life  but  now  couldn't  imagine  her  life  without.

“   i've  heard  too  many  condescending  remarks  about  kibble  and  its  ‘ acquired taste ’  from  inners  in  my  lifetime.   ”       and  naomi  didn’t  feel  like  being  generous  with  something  that  meant  a  lot  to  her.      she  knew  a  lot  of  it  came  simply  from  the  fact  it  was  a  belter  staple  food  without  ever  truly  giving  a  chance.    and  she  wished  that  applied  only  for  food  but  she  knew  the  truth.    although  she  didn't  want  to  bring  down  their  already  fragile  mood.       “     there  is  this  one  earther,  though,   who  genuinely  wants  to  learn  where  i  come  from  and  what’s  important  to  me  because  he  loves  me  very  much  and  who  i  now,  apparently,  owe  a  couple  drinks  on  ceres.    or  dinner,   your  choise.    ”       she  knew  he  was  just  joking  about  the  bet,   or  more  so  he  wouldn't  ask  her  of  anything.   but  naomi  didn't  mind  getting  them  a  couple  rounds.    it  wouldn't  really  be  celebratory  after  what  happened  even  with  the  end  of  the  war.    but  they  could  use  one.    naomi  took  a  spoon,   dipping  it  in  the  blend  to  try  it.     an  positive  hum  left  her  lips,   giving  him  her  approval.       “    it’s  good,   you’re  just  holding  back  a  bit.    ”       then  again,   she  had  an  affinity  for  spicy  flavors.     naomi  added  a  few  pinches  more,   mostly  cumin.     and  did  the  same,   only  this  time  she  held  out  the  spoon  for  him,  close  enough  to  his  lips,   so  he  could  try  it.     not  really  realizing  that  herself  was  beginning  to  hold  back  less,   speak  more  with  the  distraction  of  the  cooking  and  at  his  prompting,   and  make  herself  more  comfortable  at  the  galley  and  his  company.

shame creeped up at Naomi’s admission. of course she would have noticed. they only spent nearly all their time together. spent hours in various states of undress together. if he noticed himself thinning out... she would too. he sighed, gaze falling back into his work. “i’m sorry,” he whispered, giving the bowl a shake to mix the blend. more sorries, always more. “promise, i’m fine. i’ll try not to forget anymore meals.” he couldn’t promise to not miss them entirely. he lost himself in focus as much as any of them. he didn’t want to put her in that position, either. he’d made her worry enough, hadn’t he? her snort had at least showed that his joke had its intended effect... even as it took a bit of a turn. he knew people like him talked about anything from Belter culture. hell... sometimes even Bobbie.

he hummed. “i’ve heard that about my own parents’ cooking, you know. they were from all over Earth. not the same, but... well.” it explained his openness, in part. he didn’t mean to remind her of the negativity around the kibble. he’d heard the remarks when she’d made it back after the hybrid attack. he hadn’t been his best self, but he’d not been unkind to her about her cooking either. he ate what was left for him, and kept his feelings to himself. he’d been too torn up to do much else. but he wished he’d stood up for her more, when he had the chance. not that he was given much. with it being understood that there was something between them, their guests barely said anything about it in front of him. but as the rest of her words sunk in, he couldn’t help but smile. “well he’s very lucky to have landed someone as generous as you,” he said, bumping his shoulder against hers. with her history, her culture, her love, and her money. he watched her taste his work. “all joking aside though... i do.” he didn’t need to elaborate. she surely knew what he meant. and he wasn’t sure she was ready for him to. she held the spoon out to him, and he tasted it. it certainly was more spicy than he’d naturally make it, but the mix added a depth to it that made it as warm as it was hot. “i’ll get there eventually. maybe one day give you a run for your money.” not that that would happen. but he wasn’t half bad a cook, raised with as much communal work as he was. he did enjoy it. it was one among the few physical tasks he got to do as Captain outside of helping the others with their tasks. “what else can i do?”

[junetwilight]

holden + letting naomi leave 2.11/3.06/5.01

[quixoticcaptain]

“ i say it all the time, i just say it very very quietly. i tell you when you’re in another room, or right after we end our calls. i say it after you shut the door behind you. i say it in my head every time you look at me. i love you. of course i love you. ” — from @beltraised​

if there was one thing about Naomi that holden had come to understand, it was that the word ‘love’ didn’t flow freely, or often. she had only told him some of her past, what had happened with her ex, her son. she was protecting herself. from hurt. from hurt from him. he’d had months to sit with what he’d done. how he’d made her feel. what she’d told him. and with the fear that the silence between them brought. she needed her space and he respected it, but with every moment that passed, he couldn’t help but wonder. did she still love him? could she? their reunion and every moment after had calmed him, but until they could sit down, talk about it, the questions burned at him. when they were finally alone in their cabin, all the pressing matters put behind them, he took a breath, and let his fears, his questions out. assured her that he understood and didn’t want to force her to change for him but he’d been so scared and and and... and then she’d said...

he swallowed down the emotion rising in his throat, let out a shuddering breath. guilt rose, too, because of course it did. “i know,” he whispered, when he finally had words to say. “thank you. i know it’s not easy for you to just say. i don’t want to... make you feel like you have to say it. i know you say it in other ways, in the things you do for me, the way you touch me, the way you trust me even when i mess up. and i love you more for it.” he smiled, shy and self-deprecating. he likely didn’t need to say what he meant by it. he’d spent weeks “messing up”. months regretting it. worrying that what his fear and anger had driven a wedge so far between them that he’d never receive or feel her love for him again. and more guilt for even worrying about it. he took a deep breath to steady himself, to gather his thoughts. “i was so proud of you, you know? what you were doing for the Belt, for yourself. head engineer for the first OPA battleship, after everything you’d been through, after hiding on the Cant for as long as you did? how couldn’t I be? but then I was scared that there wouldn’t be a place for us—me—in your life anymore. and i’m sorry, because i know it wasn’t about me.” he ran a hand through his hair. he’d probably never run out of reasons to apologize to her. it had felt selfish to be so worried about them and their relationship when she’d been doing so much good, being where she wanted and needed to be, all while he’d been stuck in place.

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

she  knew  she  was  able  to  lean  onto  him  when  she  needed  to.   that  he  would  be  there  to  support  her  or  take  responsibilities  off  her  hands  if  it  became  too  much.      just  like  on  moments  like  this,   he  could  give  her  the  space she  needed.     and  made  her  something  he  knew  she’d  enjoy.     naomi  nodded  her  head,    acklowedging  his  words.     she  wanted  to  keep  him  close,     to  spend  time  with  him  despite  everything.     cooking  together  seemed  like  the  perfect  solution.    they  didn’t  have  to  talk  about  what  happened  and  it  was  intimate  enough to  be  comforting.    and  holden  always  wanted  to  share  that   with  her,   or  help  her  in  a  way  in  general.     whether  she   worked  on  the  reactor  and  he  was  just  handing  her  the  tools  - and  sometimes  wrong  ones. -    or  now  helping  her  with  the   cooking  utinsils.     at  the  mention  of  take  out,    she  let  the  pleasant  memories resurface,    warm  her  up  with  the  promise  of  more  to  come.   just  on  ceres  instead  of  tycho.     that  was  something  she   could  look  forward  to.     especially  after  months  of  un   rations  for  dinner.    with  the  occasional  cooked  meal  like   kibble,   or  clarissa’s  dinner.

“       don’t  worry,   we’ll  be  ordering  plenty  of  take  out.     ”     she  wasn’t  going  to  break  their  little  tradition,   if  you  could  call  it  that.   naomi  walked  closer  to  him,   picking  up   a  bowl  to  begin  preparing  the  kibble.     “    but  we  have  to  spice  things  up  somehow.   ”    she  was  fully  aware  of  the  hidden  pun  in  there.    besides  that,   though,   it  was  something  she  wanted  to  share  and  do  with  him  from  time  to  time.     they  always  enjoyed  themselves,   and  it  brought  her  a  feeling  of  nostalgia  that  was  connected  with  only  good  memories.     “   and  you  have a  lot of  meals  to  catch  up  on.   ”      she  didn’t  want  to  push  him  while  everything  was  going  on,   and  not  when  herself  wasn’t  that  much better  at  eating  when  she  was  upset.    but,  of  course,  she  had  noticed  and  couldn’t  help  the  worry  that  rose  in  her.    now,  she  hoped  he’d  be  less  likely  to  reject  her  concern.     her  hand  brushed  against  his  arm,   squeezing  gently for  a  short  moment,  before  going  resuming  her  cooking.    it   was a  combination  for  her  and  for  him,  somewhat  fueled  by  her previous  words  but  also  her  own  need  for  comfort.    she  paused  again,  only  to  reach  for  the  spice  containers  and  place  them  on  his  hands.    “   right  now,   i am  trusting  you  with  the  spice  blend.   ”    at  least  to  start  preping  it,   even  though  it  was  something  she  liked  doing  herself.    he’d  done  more  than  a  decent  job  on  his  own  and  she  wanted  to  see  him  work  on  it.

the thought of spending hours holed up with Naomi partially erased the knowledge of all the meetings and debriefings they would all have to sit through. but mostly him. always him. he represented the Rocinante and the Rocinante was part of the fleet, as much as Mars or the Belt or Earth. so he’d be pulled into more than his crewmates might be. which, in Naomi’s case, he was happy to take that off her shoulders. reliving her trauma for people who didn’t know her, didn’t care about her... he hoped that didn’t happen often. he winced at her semi-casual observation, shot her a sheepish smile when she paused to touch him. “i was... hoping you wouldn’t notice.” it was a naive hope, but she’d had so much on her plate that he didn’t want her to worry about him. and for a while... it didn’t seem like any of them did. so caught up in all of their own problems and conflicts, he seemed to only draw their notice when he upset one of them. he’d tried not to dwell on it, given it was in part what he wanted. “i just haven’t had much of an appetite. too much going on.” too much to worry about. too many things to be responsible for. too many people to take care of.

when Naomi handed him the spices, it took him a second to process what she was asking. it seemed like something that she’d want to do herself, given it was a recipe she taught him. a recipe taught to her. saying that she trusted him with it felt like an understatement. she didn’t just trust him with the blend, she trusted him with a part of her. another moment of him staring at the containers in his hands passed before he finally remembered he was meant to be doing something. he cleared his throat. “okay. yeah. i mean... if you want.” and he got to work, trying not to cave under the pressure and gift he was given. he pulled a bowl over and started mixing from what he remembered her telling him in the past, sneaking looks over at her for approval or correction. but also to see her at work. he loved watching Naomi at work. it was in part why he’d told her about the ships, yes, to distract her, but also to see her beautiful determination. her gorgeous focus. he vaguely wondered what Naomi’s tia would have thought of him. probably wouldn’t have liked him. not that he would have blamed her. “bet you ten credits you never once thought you’d be making kibble with an Earther, let alone teaching him how to make it.” a bet he’d win, but he’d never ask her to actually pay up. they nearly shared anyway, buying each other things or paying for each other all the time. only the separate accounts really showed it was their own money.

[quixoticcaptain]

beltraised​ || nagata, n.

naomi  closed  her  eyes,   letting  his  touch  soothe  her.    as  much  as  it  could  given  the  gravity  of  their  conversation  and  what  she’d  just  gone  through.    trying  to  calm  down  as  much  as  she  could.    she  almost  didn’t  hear  the  words,    but  he  was too  close  not  to.    and  as  he  continued,   it  was  clear  he  realized  her  past  actions  better  with  what  she  just  told  him  and  why  she  had  reacted  the  way  she  did.     “    yeah  it  did.   ”      she  wasn’t  going  to  deny  it.    at  times  she’d  been   scared  even,    her  mind  convincing  her  she  was  bound  for  a  repeat of  the  past.    it  wasn’t  logical  per  say,   but  logic  never  applied  to  situations  like  those.    naomi  knew  she’d  made  her  own  mistakes  too.    that  she should  have  discussed  certain  things  but  she  had  to  protect herself  first.      because  she  wasn’t  sure  she  could  have  gone through  the  same  thing.      but  she  didn’t  fully  blame  them  for  that  either,   not  really.     and  she  regretted  the  way  she’d  come  about  her  decision.      “   but  you  didn’t  know.    none  of  you  did.     and  then,   i  couldn’t  have  told  you.    ”      she  knew  they  didn’t  want  to  hurt  her,   at  least  in  the  way  she  had  been  hurt  before.    it  was  easier  to  see  when  she'd put  some  distance  between  them.     which  was  she  had  left  and  then  chosen  to  come  back.

“   and  i  hurt  you  too  because  of  it.    ”     she  trusted  them  for  a  few  years  now,    she  knew  that  even  with  their  disagreements  they  would  never  hurt  her  like  that.     the  roci,   them,  brought  her  a  feeling  of  safety  she  didn’t  think  she’d  ever  experience  after  leaving  pallas.    and  alex  had  just  died,   saving  her.    she  shut  her  eyes  a  little  tighter  to  not  get  lost  on  that  trail  of  thoughts  even  if  she’d  carry  that  guilt.     instead  she  focused  on  holden’s  voice  again,   humming  at  the  words.    they’d  been  through  a  lot  of  things,    but  she  still  hoped  he’d  never  feel  that  kind  of  pain.     he  wouldn’t,   if  she  could  do  anything  about  it.     and  he  was  right,    she’d  escaped  both  times,  although  barely.     although  neither  experience  had  left  her  unscathered.    but  the  important  thing  was  that  naomi  had  escaped.     and  that  she  was  home  now,   and  all  she  wanted  to  do  was  to  stay  that  way.     which  was  she  whispered  the  following  words.      “    can  we  stay  like  this  for  a  little  longer  ?    ”   

sure, he hadn’t known, and she felt she couldn’t have told him. he understood that. they didn’t know each other then. she had no reason to trust any of them with what she’d gone through. especially when they didn’t even know if they’d stay together. still. part of why she couldn’t tell him was because of the environment he’d created. it was far from his proudest times, his fear and grief and anger driving him more than anything. scaring her. nearly losing her and Amos. drawing Alex’s judgement. pushing her away to protect himself. it had been the worst version of himself. the one he’d been spending years trying to make up for. he knew she didn’t blame him, that she could never blame him like he blamed himself. but it didn’t make it any easier to look back on. “i didn’t have to know to know that i should have listened better, should have asked. should have tried harder. everything was a mess then.” eros, the war, him. a mess he would have understood if she wanted nothing to do with once she’d left. but she’d come home. somehow still wanted this, them. despite how they’d treated her and her perspective. 

she had hurt him, though not because she gave Fred the sample. Naomi was right to do it, he knew that now. it was the only way. but she hadn’t trusted him. she shut him out, went behind his back, didn’t trust him to give her a chance. that’s what had hurt him then. that he’d bared himself to her, and she couldn’t trust him enough to even listen to her if she’d tried. but as time had gone by, it hurt more than he did that to her, that he made her feel that way. but here they were know, with hardly anything between them now. he hummed into her hair. “then, sure. but a lot of things have hurt me since this all started. hurt us. that was one of the easiest things to forgive, to get past.” because he knew his role in it; he knew she was protecting herself and that he’d in turn been harsh and cruel. he loved her too much to stay angry, and he’d known she was right. Naomi’s request wasn’t too far from what he wanted, too. to stay with her, like this. forever, if they could. if the universe let them. he rubbed Naomi’s back, let his gaze sweep over the room. “we can stay as long as you like. but if you get as tired of the medbay as i am, i can carry you to our cabin.” he could carry her anywhere, if she let him. their cabin was the least he could do.