No one would understand
Sometimes, we're always full of pure extreme emotions that cute down deep our beings. I dont know about you, but i find it hard to express. People sometimes think that being and acting dramatic is a defense mechanism; well it's not - for some maybe. However. It is ultimately, most of the time, an offensive act by oneself to oneself. It eats up oneself unwillingly and without one's personal control over it. Sad (negative) emotions that leads to drama is an expression of devastation and anxiety that no one should ignore. It could lead to depression totally. Personally, i am not one for being depress. But i do feel anxious about things. Here and there. Most of the time i just cant seem to decipher what my inner-self really wants and feels deep down. Anyhow. Right now. I am in the current state of anxiety. I dont know about you, but you see, i failed a class, that supposed to be the stepping stone for a new chap in my college. But i failed it, and now everything that i hoped and planned for came crashing down. But nobody gets this. I know i didnt do much for the better result. I know that my parents have sacrificed a lot for us, but sometimes, they forget that we feel too - that i have emotions too that i think is more fragile than theirs... I mean yes it's there money and stuff, but it's my future (like what they always try to remind us.) Sometimes they make me feel like i dont really care about my studies, that u dont see and value their sacrifices. I do. I really do. That sometimes it hurts much more whenever i think of this failed class and shifts to what would they be feeling. But i just yearn for that comfort and understanding sometimes. Like if they are hurt for spending so much for us but we end up nothing, how come we, me, who goes to class to build up a good future for myself? I am a girl. A lady. In this society, it is unexpected for a lady to fail her class - unless she's one for those kind who just dont give a damn. I feel sad and suckish right now. Everything came crashing down totally. But no one even realizes that im hurting. Like badly hurting deep down. You see, i also fail my Financial Management class. So i saw my grade and now I cant tell my parents. Since I found out about the Cost Accounting. I feel so depressed of the reaction that i dont wanna hurt them again and feel more bad. I know i deserve to suffer for not doing much more, but i just want to just take all the sadness with me alone now, i dont like them hurting because of me. I know i shouldve thought of these things sooner, with that, i couldve refrain or prevent these things from happening. But with all honesty, i did my best. I really did. It's like i just became a whole new person for this. Then it was just wasnt enough. I WAS LITERALLY DEPRESSED I CAN SAY NOW. I feel lonely. Ununderstood. Ashamed. Unlove/d? Like no one will get get me. That no one would understand what im going through. That crashed plans for yourself is worst than loosing a freakin haram relationship (that girls cry hard for sometimes). I cry for my future, i cry for how people would take my situation. I cry for how my parents would see me now. It's damn sad. Feeling all this all alone, and no one to hug or even share it with. I feel ashamed of myself. Wholly. But i always think that Allah SWT has better plans for me. That these things happen for a great whole reason. Allah SWT is the best of all planners. And i was told, that in Islam, "depression" doesnt exist. It's shaytaan's whispers that triggers this extreme sadness. I coped up. With the remembrance of Allah SWT, and good friends' words. But most of thhe time, i just try to cope alone (still w Allah SWT). That this is Qadr, and that i will get to my destination soon. It hurts. Much more than how one sees it. Alhamdulillah i try to cope still. In shaa Allah for better days. May Allah SWT guide us all out there.
