Let It All Out

A place to let my thoughts, emotions and be loose.

[rantingsofagoodchild]

Let me rant:

- Marshall being fired is annoying and exhausting because I need 5 different people and 2 different departments to sign off on anything before I hit send. I didn’t do anything wrong but all of the this hard stuff still comes back on me.

- I feel bad about Stan. I didn’t mean to make him feel like his health wasn’t a priority. I also feel bad that I didn’t address it head on. I definitely need to say that to him tomorrow. Ugh *sigh* I know he’s scared and frustrated from his point of view it comes off like his boss doesn’t care about him and that we pushed him out the door. I can make it clear that wasn’t the intention. What SUCKS is that now the entire school is impacted by his absence at a time in the school year when we don’t need this.

- I am annoyed with the MS team and them trying to leave early or get out of things. Like come on. We’re a community and I clearly need help and support. You all are saying that 6th grade is challenging but then won’t step up when shit is hitting the fan because it’s an inconvenience to you.

- Christina texted about Soul and Harleigh missing class but won’t talk directly with Tamish about it. 

- Renee is late bringing her class to dismissal. Jasmine comes to tell me about it using the phrase “So I just wanted to make you aware.....” I know that the sentiment is there but that phrase makes me feel triggered!!!!!!!!

I think overall I feel like I am putting out blazing fires and trying to solve issues while also plan for next year and all I have is my staff coming to me to try have me solve their problems. Like NO! THATS YOUR JOB!!!!!!

I know I am grumpy because I am tired and didn’t eat well all weekend which is contributing to my mind. I feel agitated and judgmental as well. I am latching onto my emotions and telling myself a story.

I need to separate the person from the problem:

- Stan is upset about how he was communicated with related to quarantining. I can listen and hear him out, say back what I hear, empathize and work with him going forward and encourage him to talk directly with Maria about his issues.

- Middle School team there’s not a culture of stepping up and filling in when things need to happen. I can explicitly ask and tell them that’s something that’s important and we need to do - specifically with Marielle.

- Christina is worried about the parent perspective and kids not being in class and doesn’t want to throw Tamisha under the bus. I can empower Christina to talk with Tamisha about what happened and see what they can do together.

- Jasmine is frustrated with having to tell another staff member about their professional responsibilities, on top of it being her daughters teacher. I can talk with Jasmine about how/when she approaches me with questions (and I can do this with the office staff in general) 

Okay I feel better. I feel like I can let go of the stories and negative emotions. I need to let go and refill my cup - I can notice the blue sky :)

[love]

[thatkindofwoman]

I want a handsome man with beautiful lips to not use them to weave empty promises. I want partnership, at no cost to the love I have for myself. I want to be rid of all the people that don’t apologize. 

A sincere apology is a balm on a festering wound.  Actions speaks louder than words. Lies are the easiest things to tell, but the worst to maintain. 

I want rolling hills in the views from my kitchen windows. I want to tell your story. I want to tell your cousin’s neighbor’s high school sweetheart’s story. I want you to live in my writing, in the spaces I create. I want you to feel engulfed. I want to burn you up, and calm you down. 

I want to feel strong in my body. A strength that comes from my hard work. From my growth. I want to feel firm under the achingly soft. Not just the soft and the ache.

I want to stop the doubt. I sit here, half torn apart. Sleep deprived. Scared. Hopeful. Resigned. 

I am a patchwork quilt of my best and worst intentions. Of my sacrifices, of my sins. Of my glory and pride. Of all the things that make me singular. 

We are all singular in the fabric of our souls, but we are bound by our similarities. 

I believe in you. I trust you. I’m here for you. 

I say this first to myself. Silently in my head, then silently moving my mouth, then a whisper. Then say it out loud. Like you’re talking to someone in the same room, a little farther away. Some days it stays a whisper. Some days it ends high pitched, as I sit in my car and cry.

I think one of the safest places to cry is my car. I swear, the intimacy of a car is only rivaled by the intimacy of being in a car while it’s traveling through an automatic car wash. Play a song the next time you’re at it. Alone or with someone else. Tell the person next to you. 

I believe in you. I trust you. I’m here for you. 

We don’t believe in others enough. We don’t trust one another anymore. We abso-fucking-lutely only show up when it benefits ourselves. 

I believe in you. I trust you. I’m here for you.

I’ll type it to all of you. I’ll yell it at you across the street. I’ll mouth it to you across the room. I’ll send it via voice memo. I’ll say it into your hair as we hug. 

I think all we want is someone yelling, saying, whispering, writing it to us. And for us to say it back, meaning filled. 

I believe in you. I trust you. I’m here for you.

[abduction]

[beautifulhaus]

[naiveasf]

[dixiedarlin33]

[oldfarmhousefallfeatures]

perfectly, perfect.

carolyn|the slow traveler http://www.instagram.com/theslowtraveler/

[sweetcribs]

[844k]

[worshipgifs]

[praying]

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

[decembersoul]

Ultra-Short Versions of Classic Books For Lazy People

[girlsmoonsandstars]

[womanwithgrace]

[erinkimart]

Hi, my cat is really annoying in the morning.

How can I stop my cat from jumping onto my belly from the IKEA shelf?

[rantingsofagoodchild]

Dear Steph,

I know that you said you wanted to talk on Tuesday and I respect that you want your space and are enjoying time with your cousins. I don’t mean to intrude on your trip or request for space by sending this. I feel like it’s important for me to share my thoughts and feelings before Tuesday so that I can process and clearly communicate with you what I am thinking and feeling, and so that you can take the time you need to process and reflect before we talk. I don’t need you to respond before Tuesday because I know that we will talk about it then. I just feel that it will be helpful for my own sake to write it all out - you know that’s how I function. I want us to have a productive and positive conversation, and my hope is that this letter can help.

Going into Sunday, we communicated that we could need space because of the game. I was feeling happy and proud of us for identifying that need ahead of time! I anticipated that you’d need space throughout Monday and I did my best to respect that. Throughout the rest of the week, I felt that my thoughts and opinions were not considered in our conversations. I appreciate that you came with a solution and had thought through things. But, I didn’t feel that my mind was received with an open mind and that hurt my feelings. It felt like you were telling me what we can and cannot do together, which felt manipulative to me at the time. Throughout the two years that you’ve been together, I’ve never felt this way in our relationships. We have always supported one another’s different interests and respected these aspects of our personalities. I know that you love me and you were coming to me with a solution so that we will not argue in the future and for that, I am thankful! I am writing to explain how I felt during that conversation.

Stephan, your actions and choices affect me. This week, I was going through a lot - I was going back to work (in a role that I’m not sure if I like or that I’m good at), leaving home, starting Loyola classes again, and other aspects of my personal life. When you didn’t respond or talk to me about anything, I started to feel small and that I didn’t feel independent. I didn’t feel independent because my emotions and thoughts were consumed with worry and uncertainty about us. When we didn’t clearly communicate why we were upset and what we needed, it made me feel sad and confused. It’s hard to understand what you’re feeling and thinking, especially when I cannot see or hear you. In the future, I would like it if you could tell me what you’re feeling and what you need from me in that moment. You have never made me feel small or unimportant - if anything, you have helped me to continue to grow in so many ways. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much because you make me a better person. I was feeling surprised and confused when that wasn’t the case this week. 

In my experience, we’ve always had a great time together watching sports. I love the Cubs not because I like baseball games, but because they’re the reason I fell in love with you. Many of my favorite memories with you have been at Chicago sports games as we cheer for our team and drink beer and enjoy one another’s company. This is why I don’t want to five that up. I feel that the way to respond to the outcome of a sports event is different when we’re apart versus when we’re together. When we’re together, we can be emotional and empathize together. When we’re apart, it feels to me like you project the outcome of the game onto me. I cannot control the outcome of the game and it hurts me when you don’t talk to me because of a team’s loss. I love that you are passionate and loyal to our team. You are knowledgeable about so much when it comes to sports, and I love learning from you. I can improve on not instigating and teasing you. During and after a game, we don’t neccesarily have to talk about the game but it’s important to me that we still feel that we can communicate to each other about things unrelated to sports. I hope that you can see where I can coming from as we talk through and make decisions about this in the future. 

We have been working on communication and I think we’ve grown so much. Going forward, I need you to communicate with me what you’re feeling and need and why. I will commit to doing the same because you’ve asked me in the past, and because I feel that being transparent with one another about your feelings and needs is so important. I want to respect and support you Stephan, but the only way I know how to do that is by you clearly communicating that with me. 

A big goal of mine is to be more direct and transparent when communicating with others, which is why I am writing to you. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I feel it’s important for me to explain how I was feeling this week so you know where I was coming from in our conversations. You’re my best friend and my support system. I lean and rely on you because I trust you, and I hope you still feel the same way about me. I want to understand where your head and heart were at this week so I can support you. Our relationship is a priority for me. You are a priority in my life and I want to make that very clear. I know that it’s easy for a text or email or electronic communication to be lost in translation, so I hope this letter can be a starting place for our conversations.

If I could be with you right now, I would give you the biggest hug and bury my face in your chest. I’d sigh and tell you that I am sorry and that I love you so much. I hope you can visualize and feel all of the love and care I am trying to share in this message. 

Sincerely,

Erin 

[rantingsofagoodchild]

Mindfulness Reset

I have finished my “internship” and filling in for my principal on paternity leave. I feel that the experience was all consuming, challenging in unexpected ways, and overall an incredible learning experience. I hope through reflection I can start to understand what I learned. Below are just some thoughts that come to mind that I want to delve deeper into:

 - How to be an effective listener and respond

- Being a leader of culture in the building/instructional leader

- Conflict management with different personalities

- Communication (proactive, emotion, perspective, etc.)

- Relationships with parents

- Self care

- Applying graduate school to real life

- My strengths (detail oriented, relationship based, middle school perspective, willingness to learn) and areas of focus (gaining more knowledge and experience about other grade levels, best practices, becoming a more comfortable and confident coach)

- Being direct and empathetic