Raven

Diary Of My Heart

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Love, Hate

If you ask me what I hate most among everything in existence, I'd say love. Strange isn't it? Because there wouldn't be hate if there wasn't love, and I'd never be making this statement. ... Why do I hate love? Because it's toxic. Always. It may not seem so at first, but like everything it has an expiry date. And after that, like everything else, it becomes toxic. In my opinion, it's the most misunderstood form of torture. Someone can love you and completely destroy you at that same time, all the while thinking that they're being loving.

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And once again that night, when she was doing her chores, the voices in her head became so loud that the surrounding world dissolved in it.. That happened occasionally. People said she had anger issues but that wasn't right, not completely. She was very consious of those voices and chose to drown in her anger, or whatever mood those voices accompanied. She chose to listen to those voices and block out any voice of reason. Because in that moment, when she is really mean and horrible to people who loved her, she felt like her true self is unleashed. Even though she felt guilty for hurting people, she didn't regret it.

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I’m tired

I’ve never been myself. Never been able to be myself. It took me a long time to figure that out, that I am not this person my surroundings made me to be. Until one day I woke up and finally realized that I’m not who everyone always told me I was. All my life I’ve just been pretending to be this person I’m not, hiding away the real me because I don’t fit in. I don’t belong.

My real self has been trapped for so long, I just want out. To be somewhere that matches my soul. To start over with a life I actually deserve.. I’m tired of pretending, and the ironic part? I’m so good at it no one actually believes when I actually try to show the real me. I’m just tired.

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The world is not a nice place to live. It's filled with monsters masked by human shells. Waiting for you to be at your lowest vulnerable point to attack, to be their true monstrous selves. If we want to make this world a better place to live, we'll have to get rid of humans.

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Part of me thinks that we are different person in a different dimension while asleep. Like sleeping is a break from being ourselves and our lives... Like we need a break from this world everyday in order to remain sane and alive.. maybe that's why we can't survive long without sleep

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I choose not to care, mainly because I can't do anything about it. Funnily enough, choosing not to care about something I couldn't possibly control gives me a sense of control, which I don't actually have. God, mind's a complex thing!

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I want to cry about what happened. But also about what didn't. About what always happens, what I never want to happen and what I wish would happen. About what's happening and what never will. I want to cry about what I don't remember and what I want to forget. About what I can't remember, and what I never want to forget. Most of these are the same thing

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Am I the only one who can't figure out the difference between love and hate? Like and dislike? If I like dislike something, I actually like it. And if I love something, I instantly hate it

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Is it just me or do everyone struggle with this? Is everyone's life as miserable and 180 degree reverse from who they really are and what they want out of life? I don't just fit in, I don't belong

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Is there a way to make it all stop? Or atleast pause? Here I am in the "prime" of my life, very much exhausted by it...

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I've been moulding and remoulding myself according to people's desires and expectations for so long now that I don't even know who I really am. And the sad part is that I'm still not acceptable according to people's expectations. Having realised that I want to go back to be my real self again but how does a clay return to its original shape when it's been reformed by several people into different shapes over time?.

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I can't stand unfinished stuff. As soon as I start doing something, I just want to be have finished it already. No matter how much I like or enjoy it, I'm subconsciously rushing to complete it.. it's fine mostly but I find it difficult to deal with when doing long term projects. I just can't find peace until the project is complete (even if it take years)

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Yesterday I came across a mirror which was covered in dirt and black spots... I stared at it for a while before noticing the spots and marks on it. I realized that if I only focused on the reflection then I didn't see the marks, my brain ignored them, and if I just looked at the surface without focusing on the reflection then the spots seemed huge and it seemed like the mirror is useless. And I thought, What If life is just like that? On the surface while thinking of all the problems, desires, regrets life often seems difficult and, in need for a better world, un survivable. But if we focus on the good things in life, the things that worked out for us against all odds then life doesn't seem so bad or so impossible, like the mirror... And so a discarded mirror gave me more hope than any living being ever has

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It's funny how you can tell when someone's been crying but can't tell when someone's been smiling recently..

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I've never liked talking, much less opening up my feeling to people. But these days I wish I could talk to someone who'd actually listen and understand for once.. So here I am, pouring my hear out online hoping it'll make me fell better

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Most of the days I'm super motivated. I BELIEVE that I can do everything I want to and can't wait to get started. But just when everything starts to seem possible, I end up doing nothing at all I'm the most motivated person I know, but sill can't get anything done

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A happy story that has a sad ending is called a tragedy. What do you call a story that has a sad beginning and equally sad ending?