styofa doing anything
$LAYYYTER
Xuebing Du
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if i look back, i am lost
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trying on a metaphor
blake kathryn
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Janaina Medeiros
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oozey mess
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Sweet Seals For You, Always
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izzy's playlists!
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@readingmermaid
Yup. Your mom thinks of ppl as entertainment boxes.. And the fact is I'm stuck. I can't take a job elsewhere. I can't step out too long Can't spend time on my own too long. Because she fails to see it. She knows it. But she doesn't want to
A bit sad today. Its been on my mind lately. The fact that I don't see people.. Or don't want to see people.. 27 is a tough age. Well I'm not 27 yet.. But I will be. Its just a matter of 3 more months.. And then what will I have? I'm too afraid to fall in love. I'm too afraid to be alone. Its not that I don't want to be loved, That I don't want to love back.. I've just not found the right person yet. And sometimes, just sometimes it scares me. Men at 27 are usually at extreme ends of things. Total douches or happily married. I don't like the idea that God's really just never given the idea of letting me have a genuinely effort filled, surprising, unexpected valentines date... I've had one valentines day EVER in life. And it wasn't the best. Frankly it under delivered on the hype. I was mistreated, I cried all afternoon and then had a cheap buffet in the evening. Am I really clouded by my ideals? Do perfectly genuine gentlemen exist out there? I'd like to go out on a meaningful date for once. When I'm not the third wheel or being second fiddle.. I grow more and more cold to sentiments as I see it. Lack of love and affection is making me tougher as I stand up for myself alone.. And hence also colder..
I think I've officially entered the most unhealthy phase of my life..... Things need to change now... Will have to change.
I wasn't like this. I was never like this. This totally sucks. I'm always angry, or irritated, or sulking. And I don't get it. I just don't get why.
Clear your mind here
I'm growing homesick.. Ok.. I'm missing my husband.. But there's too much water under the bridge now.. And he's not asked me to come back. And soon its going to be too late. Awkwardness prevails..
About shifting out plans.. Your enthusiasm is as dead as my faith in you.
The ceremonial earnings are off, so is the ring. I feel lighter already..
We're not in love... We've just grown comfortable to each other
When your mother states; 'From the beginning you two didn't look like two people in love'. You have no further arguments. You know its true. You know that's why you've been struggling. Because its not like you can make the best of any situation anymore.. Because he doesn't care less weather to make it work or not. His actions only point at comforting his family minus you. The entire family is spineless as is, And now I'm stuck there. Maybe this is gods redemption, karma for hurting all those people that i might have. Because they were better than him, kinder, empathetic. And i let them go.
I get stuck with stressful work in a Sunday night. He doesn't care. He cares more that I come down to eat dinner with his mom. Then he comes up with food I ordered, he forgets to get a plate. Or to heat the food. And then when he wants to tuck himself into bed, despite seeing that I've not had more than 3-4 bites he says 'if you're not eating please get this food out of the room'. I mean what the fuck does that even mean!?
Did I mention my husband is really insensitive? He doesn't care if I eat or not. I work or not. I sleep or not. When he wants to sleep, he doesn't give a shit and asked very blunt and inconsiderate questions.
In going home. This time for a while. But soon for good.
Marriage month no. 6.5 underway, and I swear to god I can't think of any reasons to live with them or to respect them. Also 6.5 months since marriage, my husband hadn't found his balls, so say sorry or to admit his faults. Spitting contest galore.
I close his plate correctly at times. He notices and has picked it up. Then we go out for his mothers bday. And his bother makes a comment on what the correct way of closing a plate is. They get into an argument of who knew better. My husband pulls out google and shows him. His elder brother says it's incorrect be aaye some uncle who's in the military taught them. I but in and say I agree with My husband. Both his mom and his brother take to putting me down lol.. Husband is cut out of the conversation who coolly moves to get a helping of food. I protest that I also happen to be a defender officers daughter and they both tell me mother and elder son that their uncle taught them. What fucking resists!? The woman has raised her sons to look down at women.
And to say the least, I've taken finishing school classes, but this family isn't worth the information sharing. They don't know what conversations mean. Or what they should encompass or where they're egos Should get out of the way and to what extent is the work light conversation supposed to go. They all know everything. And better than each other. Wow.
I was talking to her at the table about my face swelling which I thought was because of sinus and she dumbs it down and says it's because I'm 'fat'. WTF!?
Like mother, like son.
This is what I hate about both of them. They take day to day conversations and turn them into blame games. They turn regular things of conversation about spitting contests. Mother has the ability to say sorry. Or to accept they didn't or don't know any better. They have to show that they are always right when that's not even part of the agenda or issue. They both have innate needs to be the dominating hand in all conversations. They want others to believe every word they saw, even when everyone else tells them they are wrong. They don't value their family members in the sense of keeping their pride or dignity. They can both publicly make snide remarks and leer endlessly. They have to try to be over smart in everything they do. They refuse to use their brains or to take opinions of others. They have to prove they know better than anyone else. They have to make everything about already knowing everything. Or about others assuming incorrectly of their actions or statements. Damn me if i have my child in this house or with this man or with his mother. They both have very severe care of personality complex and inferiority complex. Totally incapable of accepting or considering other people opinions, especially if it comes from a women. Mother has taught son to look down at women. With no sense of what words to use in public and no consideration for the thin line between profanity and admissibility, they think they are the king and queen of the world. I'm disgusted every moment I spend in this house. Nerve in my life have I been in he company of such small , narrow and negative minded people.
Dream interpretation : Dark, deep and detailed
My dream was too real last night. Firstly there was something about the timing.. A day after his birthday? Really? It involved him, his ex, her husband and me. It involved his eagerness to get back with her and other things that I remember too well with this dream. The now vague dream that I remember started with a silver phone I find in a refrigerator, which I can't seem to be able to put in its place. It's not ours, but it sits in our fridge. Then the ex's husband pops in to our kitchen from the back entrance smiles a ghostly smile asking that I hide it, that he is travelling out of the city and cannot let it be found. Then once he leaves, it sits there hidden in he fridge for a while. Then begins to ping after a day or two. I tell my husband about it.. And he says we must return it. It's absurd and that we shouldn't have it in our house at all. He insists on taking it to his ex in the night after her office hours. He calls her from our backyard, conveniently her office is the building right behind our house and I see her pick up the call as well, she's thinner that she was and her voice husky. She's wearing a sleeveless cotton suit and is the last one to exist her office. She says she has to travel a long way back home and that her husband will be expecting her, but then my husband cuts her short and updates her that her husband has left for out of town and also on the fact that he hid a silver cellphone in our fridge on his way out.. (As if being sure on what it implied and already knew about the importance of the device) She tells him to meet him on the stairs of the metro station and he leaves to meet her right away without looking back or updating me. He goes over to meet her. They dispose the phone. Then later I'm in bed waiting in the dark, and they come back home, in the dead of the night. She's with him. They seem to be trying to figure out what to do next or what to tell me as to why she's come back with him. Then she whispered into his ear, then as if both of them are in some sort of trance they begin to pull of each other's clothes and start making love. I'm aghast and I look away, only being able to see their legs and hear their moaning and the following conversation; He pulls out a condom that she refuses to use. They make love right next to me in the same bed, completely overlooking the fact I'm awake in the dark and right next to them. As if I've died, or turned into a spirit they didn't see. Then the morning comes and they seem even more involved. As if directly hinting that our marriage is over and that they are starting their life over as they planned, as if he was waiting for it all along, as if her husband too had died, as if nothing else mattered. They make no attempt to hide the fact that they had sex or to talk about it, my husband doesn't confess and the day moves on to when all three of us find ourselves in the metro station on the way to her house to pick up her stuff. And then dawn broke and I woke up. I know what the interpretation of this dream is, it's too real. But my husband hasn't betrayed me ever, thought I cannot say he doesn't think about her all the time and compare his life to what if could have been. It's true that there are parts of us that are completely disconnected and that we're not completely true to each other. That I do feel that he would have gone a long way for her, but it's taken it for granted with me.. That there were harder stands he would have taken for her but that he hasn't taken and has no willingness to take for me.. Anyhow. Ignoring all other interpretation of this dream. Concluding, it was a nightmare.
