Lungs.
Sometimes life just makes me want to scream; challenge my vocal cords and lungs to a duel to see which will give out first. Iām apprehensive about opening myself up to people, because people disappoint. Friends. Family. Strangers. Iām an exhausting person. I get so lost into the deep intricacies of my brain and what things mean, that sometimes itās hard for people to pull me back out. Iām often stunted with trying to pull myself back into reality.It takes a special person to be able to pull me out of these anxiety ridden emotions.
Strong people need strong people.
Iām a strong person with weak moments. These weak moments are like gaping holes in my armour. Iām afraid for the day to come that the ones I love most, decide that Iām not worth the time or energy and leave me.
For the first time in over a month, I am opening my laptop to write again and this is what was left from the last time I sat with my thoughts and tried to express them. My first instinct was to erase it all and start over, but no. Iām not going to do that. The dark depths that I feel are just as much of a part of me as the happy shallow part that make me fun to be around. A little over a month ago I thought about deleting my blog. I wrote about my experience in moving and how intense it has been and the lessons I was rapidly learning and the negative responses that I got were heart wrenching. I received hate mail. I received a bullshit text of āforgivenessā for the shitty person that I am. I received a lot of backlash that sent me into inconsolable sobs and consecutive back to back panic attacks.
God bless my boyfriend who hopped on a plane and came to my wounded heartās rescue the next morning.
[Thank you my sweet, sweet Edgar for all that you do, and always doing what you can to be there in every aspect that I need you. You show me every day what selfless love feels like, and remind me in times of weakness that itās okay to be vulnerable, because vulnerability got me YOU. Iāll never underestimate the power of your hugs, and their ability to subside even the most violent of sobs in my times of need. Youāre the sauce.]
I felt like no matter what I do I will continue to be ridiculed for being meā¦ and thatās exhausting. The thought that your existence may evoke negativity and disdain from people can be crippling.
Especially when itās people that youāve invested a lot in emotionally.
Especially when family and friends become foes.
Especially when words become daggers thrown from previous allies.
How do you detach words that donāt matter from people that do matter?
Or does the fact that their words donāt matter anymore mean that they donāt matter (to you) anymore?
Where do you draw the line of dismissing the bullshit and blissful ignorance?
These are all questions I ask myself in moments of reflection after any verbal/emotional altercation with someone else or even with myself.
I went through a social media deconstruction.
Some people donāt know/understand boundaries, so sometimes to protect your energy you have to block theirs. So thatās what I did. I blocked energy that didnāt positively serve me. That doesnāt mean that I only want people in my life that agree with me and say nice things to me; it means that I want energy that has positive intentions towards me.
Brick by brick, I felt judgment being lifted off of my shoulders.
I decided to block the people that may see a picture I would post and dissect it like a game of operation.
Brick.
My skin.
My hair.
My fluctuating weight.
My one crooked tooth.
My not quite so delicate nose.
My nails that are almost never manicured.
All of these stupid surface level insecurities that I have, because at the end of the day I refuse to be another female face without a purpose other than to ālook prettyā.
Iād rather read about the people running this country rather than a People magazine.
I knew I felt vulnerable, so rather than keep myself āopenā to these known negative sources, I blocked them. Ā
I blocked people that were more interested in how someone said I fucked up rather than how I was doing.
Brick.
Life is too short to allow people that donāt know what the fuck is going on in your life to have a say in your emotional and mental well being.
I blocked bullies.
Brick.
How am I, a 24 year old, still encountering cyber bullies? People are nuts.
If people would put half the energy they put into being mean into positivity instead, think about how much better this world could be. I know, it sounds so corny but itās so true! If you have to tear down other people to elevate yourself that just shows me that youāre not a strong enough person to elevate yourself; fucking grow and do better. The way you treat/talk to people is a reflection of your inner self. Thereās enough shit going on in the world right now that we donāt need the petty crap to sift through too.
Iāve learned that the people that say hateful, unnecessary things to you, say the same things to themselves. The issue isnāt with you, itās with the lack of their own inner peace.
When I was talking with a couple of my friends about shutting down my website, they encouraged me not to. I was reminded how important being authentic was. I was reminded of the clarity that writing provides me with. I was reminded that I started this blog to connect with people and create a sense of community for experiencing lifeās hurdles. So thank you to some really awesome people that are in my life that make me feel valued and help me recenter when needed. Yāall the sauce too.
Iāve been wanting to create a sense of communityā¦ with that being said, Iād love to give other people a place where they can share their life experiences through written word.
If you write poetry, do creativing writing, or just throw emotions down on people and see where they land, submit some of your work and Iād love to feature you on the site! [appropriately credit images accepted as well!] Even if there is only like 12 of us reading it, thatās 12 of us that can learn and support one another.
Send submissions to [email protected]!