i have this strange feeling that i’m not myself anymore. it’s hard to put into words, but i guess it’s like i was fast asleep, and someone came,
d i s a s s e m b l e d me, and hurriedly put me backtogether again. that sort of feeling. remus lupin.
seventh year
gryffindor
something about being back at hogwarts was both soothing and shocking, and the confused mix of those two came to a vibrant head at the party. alecto had filled her glass with the near-florescent punch and then … waited. her eyes flitted to the people dancing and catching up, but she didn’t join in. she would, eventually; once a drink or two worked their magic. for now, she didn’t quite turn to the person nearest her when she spoke, her words were wry: “ some of the illicit thrill is gone, no? but at least I’m not so worried about getting caught. “
something in remus had grown used to it --- the isolation. where usually he would be right in the middle of the action, something of the life to this annual party, remus now stood to the side, drinking in immeasurable amounts of liquor and feeling it sting his throat as he tried to stay invisible. he didn’t have to, of course. not here. not anymore. but merlin, he truly just couldn’t help it. he’d known alecto was standing only a few feet away from him, but he’d certainly not expected a conversation. so when she did speak up, he put on his best smile. ❛ i dunno, i think it’s all still a bit fun, don’t you? it almost does feel wrong, like i’m slipping right back into my sixteen year old self. ❜
❛ everything my mother prayed i wouldn’t be, i became. ❜
( froy gutierrez, twenty-one, cisman ) my goodness, is remus lupin back? it’s been a few years since the halfblood has been around the castle, but i’d recognize him anywhere. rumor has it the seventh year spent the past few years aligned with the order. they’re still logical & protective and destructive & faithless, though. and the gryffindor still reminds me of smiling while your heart is bleeding, muffled laughs in a seemingly empty corridor, setting yourself on fire to keep your friends warm. well, then, i guess some things never change.
remus was born to lyall ( a pureblood ) and hope ( a muggle ) lupin on january 22nd, 1959. lyall worked at the ministry within the department for the regulation and control of magical creatures and hope was a stay-at-home mum, spending all her time looking after little remus.
for the first five years of his life, remus had a relatively calm childhood — his parents loved and doted on him, he was truly the apple of their eye, and to them, he could do no wrong. hope loved to teach him how to cook, especially baked goods, and lyall would often take remus to the ministry where the little boy would stare wide-eyed at all the inner-workings of the magical world. they were a tight-knit, loving family… all until fenrir greyback got involved.
in late 1963, fenrir greyback was brought in for questioning after the death of two muggles at the hands of a werewolf. due to the ministry’s complete incompetence, they had no record of greyback being a werewolf, and therefore fell for his whole ‘i’m a muggle thing’. lyall, of course, wasn’t having it, and after trying to convince the committee in control of the case that he was sure greyback was a werewolf ( to no avail ) lost his temper and called all werewolves ‘soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death’.
fenrir, having been in the room at the time, grew furious, and after escaping from the ministry’s hands decided to exact his revenge. thus on january 17th, 1964, fenrir broke into the lupin household and bit little remus lupin, turning him into a werewolf.
the family immediately started to spiral. lyall threw himself into his work, trying absolutely everything he could to find a cure for lycanthropy. hope grew distant from her son, too afraid to even touch him for fear of what he might do. at only five years of age, remus of course didn’t understand what all the fuss was even about, he couldn’t possibly fathom what had thrown his family into such chaos — that is, of course, until his first transition.
remus will always remember the first time he turned. pain doesn’t even begin to describe it. it was as if every cell in his body had been cut into a million pieces and then set on fire and he was expected to deal with the pain all on his own.
[ CHILD NEGLECT TW with no cure feasibly in sight, lyall and hope had locked remus away in the basement for three days starting from the day of the full moon, unsure how the lycanthropy would present itself. at first, remus protested, scared and alone while he suffered through the worst pain of his life, but as the scratch marks began to show themselves on the wood of the room, he started to think ill of even himself and even encouraged his parents to lock him away. END TW ]
despite lyall and hope insisting that they would always love their little boy and they would always love each other, the curse began to take its toll on everyone.
with lyall spending 20 hours a day at the ministry to try and find a cure, hope grew restless and even more terrified of her own son, insisting that they move any time someone inquired about the noises coming from their basement. as a muggle, she had always found it hard to adjust to a wizarding lifestyle, but having a werewolf for a son proved to be too much and so shortly after remus turned nine, hope ran away without so much as a trace.
[ CHILD NEGLECT, ALCOHOLISM TW although it was clear that lyall had fallen out of love with both his wife and his son during the four years he’d thrown himself into his work, the disappearance of hope was still a massive shock for him. lyall positively hated that he would now have to raise a werewolf all on his own, and now having given up trying to find a cure for lycanthropy, turned his emotions towards the liquor cabinet.
at just nine years of age, remus had no friends, no mother, an alcoholic father and still he had to deal with a transition every single month — i guess you can say that he wasn’t doing too great. END TW ]
[ EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TW for as long as he can remember, however, remus has never blamed his parents for hating him — especially his father. even when lyall would throw bottles and yell nasty things at his very own son, remus would always just bite his tongue and accept that he deserved it. after all, his parents had never asked for a werewolf son. END TW ] and so he always tried his absolute best to please his father, which is why he worked hard at just eleven years of age with headmaster dumbledore to ensure that he would have a safe space at hogwarts to make his father proud.
honestly, lyall didn’t even care about the education his son was going to get — he just wanted some time alone to not have to deal with a werewolf every four weeks.
first starting at hogwarts, remus found it incredibly difficult to find his place. he’d been sorted into gryffindor in no time, but he couldn’t really understand how it was he could belong with these confident, rambunctious students. he’d always thought himself to be a shy, quiet kid — turns out he just hadn’t met the right people. for as soon as he’d been bunked with james, sirius and peter, the real remus started to show itself.
with no one trying to run away from him or curse him with nasty names, remus found a certain level of confidence within the school walls. he was intelligent, popular, and frankly fun and the fact that he had to disappear for a few days every month ( ‘my father’s sick again’ ) never stopped him from making friends.
the only thing that mattered was that they couldn’t know about that part of him — because if they knew, then they would have to be burdened with it, and there was no possible way remus could handle another person hating him like his father did.
after forming a bond with the boys closer than he had ever felt, it was really just a matter of time before they noticed the pattern in remus’ disappearances and in his behaviour — and when they confronted him in their second year with their correct assumption, remus was positively terrified. he tried to convince them that he would stay away, that he didn’t mean any harm, that he was sorry they knew, but instead of being disgusted, the boys were accepting, and after getting over the initial shock of having someone who still loved him as a werewolf, he grew to be grateful for having someone by his side through it all.
of course, he’s still absolutely terrified to this day that one day they’ll change their minds and leave just as his mother did, and so still every full moon he tries to convince them that they don’t have to come, but they have showed no signs of wavering and just wow he loves his boys.
[ EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TW after sirius escaped from home in their sixth year, there was a lot of weight put onto remus’ shoulders about whether he would leave his own home, too. his friends knew that it wasn’t a safe environment for him to be in, but after years of lyall twisting with his emotions, remus felt a sick bond to his father and couldn’t possibly see why he should leave. he wanted his father to be proud of him, to be happy, and he tried every summer to make this work — and perhaps it never would. but that didn’t matter to remus. because frankly, he couldn’t see that. END TW ]
at the beginning of remus’ sixth year, whispers started to follow him at every corner. talk, gossip, hushed confessions of fear. did you know remus lupin is a werewolf? everyone around remus tried to convince him that it was just rumours, that no one actually knew if it was true or not, but that didn’t stop the whispers from spreading like wildfire, and the fear was beginning to build.
to anyone who asked, remus was fine. no one really knew the truth and that was enough to keep him safe. but deep down, the thought that everyone might know terrified him. he’d already feared for what his best friends might think, what was the rest of the school going to think? he was a monster and now, maybe, they knew. and they had every right to be scared of him. he was even considering leaving hogwarts when the worst happened...
the battle at hogwarts wasn’t really a shock to remus -- he had seen the tension brewing from a mile away, and it was only a matter of time before the pot boiled over into the supposedly safe kept school. what shocked remus the most was that it had the power to shut down the school -- the one and only place remus had ever felt safe and loved. at least for the first five years.
with the rumours only going stronger and the fear building in the air around him, remus tried his best to stay away from what was left of the school, to live with his father and lay low while he decided what to do before school returned, and if he was even going to return.
[ DOMESTIC ABUSE TW however, lyall had other plans. with the rumours reaching even the ministry, all eyes were pointed to the man who claimed to hate werewolves and yet now lived with one. lyall’s anger grew, his obsession with whiskey only got worse, and the bruises he left on remus’ arms were enough for remus’ friends to plead with him to leave. END TW] very reluctantly, remus moved into the order safehouses after nine months of living with his father, occasionally returning home to lyall, though the visits grew scarce as the rumours continued to swirl.
even in the supposed ‘safehouse’, remus was kept partially isolated. everyone was afraid of what might happen should he be pushed back into the public eye -- would the rumours get worse? would the fear lead to danger? and exactly who was in danger at that point -- the fearful student or the devastated werewolf himself?
having been isolated for three years, the rumours have somewhat died down for the time being, and it is this alone which allowed remus to return to hogwarts once the doors were once again opened. surely it will get bad again, but for the time being, remus has always valued his education -- and he wants to finish it. no one knows how long this arrangement might last and whether or not he’ll finish his schooling is still up in the air, but for now, he’s back in the public eye -- and ever so fearful of the consequences.
PERSONALITY
remus would do literally anything for his friends. they are his family, they are his lifeline, and they are a big part of who he is today. his loyalty and protective nature is unwavering, and he’s often been labelled the Dad of his group for this.
despite the fact that so many people have proven him wrong, remus has little faith in people’s humanity. first, there had to be someone who did this to him. second, there were people in the ministry who treated his father like trash for what his son had been cursed with. third, he sees the mistreatment of muggles and muggleborns every day and he just has to ask why. it takes a lot for one to prove themselves to remus, simply because he is of little faith.
he channels a lot of his self-loathing and destructive thoughts into humour and sarcasm. he loves dry humour and he loves pranks, and you can rest assured that he is the mastermind behind 99% of the marauders shenanigans. he’s seriously the epitome of that when life gives you lemons vine guy, like just that ‘depressed teens’ humour is just… so him.
