I’ve been spending long days thinking if I should write to you and everytime I tried to get the courage to start I got so overwhelmed by my feelings that I had to stop. Today, June 13th I’m facing my fears of exposing my feelings and how my anxiety will work to let you know how much you’ve been an important person and influence in my life.
It all started on June/2008, a really though year for me. I was already going through a lot of changes in my life but being 15 was a big struggle for me. The first time I listened to your song (You’re Only Me When I’m With You) I was listening to radio Disney for hours because I wanted to listen the song all the kids in the U.S. we’re listening, I felt like if I had something different to show my friends they’d consider me cool and back in 2008 I didn’t know I had a severe case of depression, I thought that all that sadness I felt could be replaced by being accepted by a group of people who didn’t even liked me. Life got really rough that year, so much to the point that I tried ended it, but God gave me a second chance and here I am today. This year I failed not only school but it felt like I had failed everyone, that I had failed me.
My parents weren’t the most present in my life and all I had was music. I was basically 24/7 with my headphones on, music was what kept me sane, in my music I look for explanations of what was that I was feeling and also ways to feel better, and one day listening to a brazilian radio I heard Love Story playing for the very first time in my country, I freaked out. I remember my reaction was logging on MySpace and sending you a message telling you about this (my english was so bad back then, it’s still a miracle to me how you were able to understand what I was trying to say), and I felt so connected, like “wow I just let Taylor Swift know that for the very first time one of her songs made to a brazilian radio station”. What I wasn’t expecting AT ALL was that a couple of days later I’d a reply from my message to you. On January 3rd of 2009 I remember crying like a baby because the girl I looked up to took a time of her day to reply my message and you told me you loved me without even knowing that those 3 words I LOVE YOU saved my life.
After EVERYTHING I went through on 2008 I felt helpless, unimportant, useless and not worth of being loved by anyone. I literally felt like I was a shame and that being alone was what I deserved, but that day you replied to me you set fire into my soul and gave me hope and I hold on to it (i’m still doing it if i’m being honest). Ever since then you became everything to me Taylor. For every album you released that time I felt like there was at least one song that you wrote specially for me, for example Forever & Always was released short after my very first broke up and guess how the douchebag decided to do it “BY A TEXT MESSAGE”, and as sad as this can be your pain was also my pain and so many of your songs made me feel so connected, it was like we were best friends sharing experiences.
On 2010 when you released Speak Now it was also my last year of High School and I remember my mom complaining how song was distracting me from studying and that I could only keep one album to listen occasionally, and guess which album was the only thing keeping me company for so many hours: SPEAK NOW of course. Haunted was actually my ringtone for almost 5 years, everyone knew it was my phone ringing, I was that kind of girl.
Now if you let me fast forward 2 year we’re now in 2012. I was already on my second year at college and the college drama was not what ruined 2012 for me: it was when you came to promote RED in Rio de Janeiro. I remember getting the news that you were coming to a special event in Brazil but when I found out how the event was happening and that it was not going to be at my State, it nearly killed me. I remember to this day how much I cried watching the livestream of the concert. Seeing people there, the only place I wanted to be, while I was in my house wearing pjs and ugly crying only made me realize how much I loved you, how much I wish I could tell this to you. Tell how you’ve part of my life for a long time, how you have songs that fit so perfect to moments that has happened in my life, how much I admire you and loved for who you are… but that day I was miles and miles away from you and it was definitely one of the saddest days of my 25 years of living on this planet.
Now let’s forward 2 years again and we’re in 2014, my lest year of college. On 2013 (if I’m not wrong) I had a mental breakdown which led my parents taking me to the psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with social anxiety and a severe case of depression. This time I was getting help, I was seeing weekly a therapist and taking medication to help get my body balanced, but what was supposed to help me start to make me feel worse and when 2014 came I was super close to give up on everything and just let all the sadness I was feeling sink in. This was different though, I had my parents help and support. They help finish my thesis and graduation project, and on the day I finished my last paragraph, both my dad and mom took me to the mall to buy something I couldn’t shut up about: 1989. Once again you were there when I need you the most! I don’t know if we have this myspace crazy connection (lol) but every single time I was needing a friend, some kind words, a hug, some laughs: You were there. I lost the count how many times I listened to the album when it was released. I lost the count how many times I cried while listening to Clean, how many times I repeated each word of the song like a mantra until I could finally breathe again, you were there.
The last years not getting new songs, new albums was a nightmare, but it was your time to find yourself again and while you were on your personal discovery journey I was going through my journey as well. Unfortunately my journey doesn’t bring good news, a gorgeous love and a rebuilt reputation. For the past 3 years I’ve been trying to be finally clean again but life is just getting harder and harder.
Last year on November 13th I injured my knee when coming back from work and till the day I’m writing you this (June 13th) I’m still not clean. My “simple” knee injury became a syndrome hard to treat and until then all I have to do is wait and pray. But once again you’re here when I need you the most.
You gave me The Swift Life and for months I used it every day, nonstop, and all the time I spent there I made the most friends when all I needed was some love. I met people who got out of their way to make me happy, sending me care packages, merch that I couldn’t afford and personal handwritten letters. You also like one of my posts there, and I reaaaally hope it was you who did that lol.
My friends keep saying that reputation era IS my era and I believe them because this era gave a brand new album after all those years waiting, gave me so many loving friends that I’d die for, got me a TSL like and you also liked one of my posts on twitter, so yeah I’m not losing at all. All of what I got since my downhill last year is actually what is helping get back to my feet, what is giving me strength to keep going, their love is making me stronger and I need to thank you for putting them in my life.
Because of my leg I had to spend all my savings with medication, extra exams, doctor appointments and medical bills and once again I won’t be able to see on tour and the feeling stings, my dream will not be coming true this time but lets see what the future has in store for us.
Sometimes I wonder when I sleep if I’ll ever get to see you live, if I’ll ever get the chance to hug you and thank you for everything you’ve done for me, for literally saving my life so many times, for being that friend I’ve been counting on for the past 10 years.
I love you so much Taylor that sometimes thinking about it takes my breath away. It hurts knowing ours paths might never cross but if you ever come across this huge letter I hope you know that that little troubled brazilian girl who knew nothing at age of 15 is still facing her demons, she’s still here and thank God she’s stronger than ever and I know that part of this strength comes from you. My family might think that sometimes I’m exaggerating but I know that you’re part of me, you’re in my heart and you’re part of my story.
My heart will always beat for you Taylor.
Eu te amo @taylorswift ( @taylornation )
snowghoul
romaincrisis
2087
