Andulka
Noah Kahan
The Bowery Presents
oozey mess
if i look back, i am lost
Mike Driver
bliss lane
ojovivo
roma★
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Claire Keane
Doug Jones
Sweet Seals For You, Always
NASA
@theartofmadeline
Today's Document
Misplaced Lens Cap
KIROKAZE
noise dept.
gracie abrams
seen from Canada
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seen from United States
seen from Philippines
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seen from United States
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@riverleetimbers
i might only dislike myself when i view myself from the perspective of my childhood friends and i think they might just be too judgmental for me now. it wasn’t a problem when i was a boy because i was normal then. now that im actually my own person i don’t know if they can get past my differences enough to like me. but i like me, so. maybe i should just kill them idk
“you only like that ship because it’s gay”
????? yeah???? im gay?????????
turns you into an inanimate object and chews the fuck outta you
i need to be put down like a dog.
nn nofycjing wayshe knewabout thati never NEVER even ALLUDED TO ITHOWWWWW
im such a fuckin hedonist i wish i was capable of caring about the consequences of my actions
Hey Tiger~
^^ top ten things to say to get me to maul you to death
i'm seriously a completely useless person its so fucked up. i can't keep up with ANYTHING how am i gonna get ANYWHERE?? like not even hobbies i can consistently do, not even ones that other people are waiting on me for. its not about how much i enjoy something, its not about how much i care, its not about the consequences of inaction. i just don't work. what is it gonna take? i already have medication that helps a little, but.. its not enough. i'm still just not capable of securing any kind of consistent work on anything. how do you cope with that in late-stage capitalism?? i'm gonna go fuckin homeless if i don't figure something out fast. what do i do. what do i do what do i even do. why don't i work????? whats so broken that even with the support i've had access to i still can't work?? ...i think i know the answer but unfortunately its not something that i imagine could ever go away. a disassociative mood disorder is what's between me and feeling attached enough to this reality to ever stick to something. nothing is real when i dissociate. its like i leave this earth entirely, all my attachments and knowledge of it disappeared until i return to it again. kinda like a tv series you havent watched in a while; imagine you're trying to remind yourself of everything that happened in a previous season of a show you watched months ago. the characters, the events, how you feel about each of them all come back one by one. you remember how its affected you in the past, but you'd only really feel it all again if it was fresh in your memory. now imagine that show is apparently your real life, and its just as hazy to you. this, combined with my memory issues and lack of emotional permanence, makes working toward or putting effort into anything feel so.. alien, to me. i feel like an alien in my own life. its like in the story of my life, all i am is an audience member. im not a character in my world, just a spectator of it.
i'm tired of it, i want to be here, i want to be a person. i want to stay in this reality, though of course my brain only learned to dissociate because of my hatred for said reality. i hate this world man. but i love the people. wish i could just be in spectator mode forever, unburdened by responsibility or any kind of self identity. wish i could just be a disembodied voice that did nothing but observe and talk to people. but thats not possible, so i gotta become a person that can sustain her dream of just talking to people and nothing else.
i'm gonna be River. i'm gonna stay River. whatever.
sexting is so fucking fun until i actually get horny and am unable to show how i really feel by tearing her flesh open with my teeth
going through my old asfuck sketchbooks and oh my fucking god. EVERYTHING in here is just.. so sad. the only characters i could draw with a genuine smile were girls. all the times i had to depict myself it’s either as a mouthless, apathetic husk or as the most shit-eating overcompensation for my lack of masculinity you could possibly imagine. no like seriously you’d think goose stole the idea for jax from these pages. it’s like, EERILY similar. i finished this sketchbook pre-covid. holy fuck.
im trying to revisit this headspace i was in at the time, and its crazy now seeing this all with the context that i was a girl the entire time. oh my god. all the male characters i created were either visibly sad and unfulfilled or complete assholes who hid behind a shitty sense of humour. wonder if that meant anything.
if this were a better world i could change my profile pic on discord to trans jax and no one would clown on me for it. she matters to me man idk what else to tell you SHES LITERALLY ME.
god im cringing at myself a little but like FUCK. no character in anything ever has come half as close to understanding it. understanding me. i hate that of all characters its that fuckass rabbit, but it is. i didn’t choose this to happen to me, gooseworx sat me down in her torture chamber for weeks and months and years until she could construct a character that would deliver me the most pain. fuck fuck fuckFUCKKKKK IM BETTER THAN THIS-no the fuck i’m not. i am Jane Transfem, i have all the stereotypes except for the uh. the uhhhh. magic the gathering? yeah i don’t have that i guess
UPDATE: i asked my friends if they would think less of me if i did it and the answer was a resounding "yeah lowkey"
if this were a better world i could change my profile pic on discord to trans jax and no one would clown on me for it. she matters to me man idk what else to tell you SHES LITERALLY ME.
god im cringing at myself a little but like FUCK. no character in anything ever has come half as close to understanding it. understanding me. i hate that of all characters its that fuckass rabbit, but it is. i didn’t choose this to happen to me, gooseworx sat me down in her torture chamber for weeks and months and years until she could construct a character that would deliver me the most pain. fuck fuck fuckFUCKKKKK IM BETTER THAN THIS-no the fuck i’m not. i am Jane Transfem, i have all the stereotypes except for the uh. the uhhhh. magic the gathering? yeah i don’t have that i guess
the type of girl who meanly says “bite me” when you get upset at her and lets out an extremely cute sound when you comply
someone bite me please for the love of glob
the type of girl who meanly says “bite me” when you get upset at her and lets out an extremely cute sound when you comply
it hurts cause i know to a lot of people she'll only ever be a raging misogynist asshole lanky tumblr sexyman headass and completely miss the point. she's a terrible human being who got what she strived for and never what she needed. she could only ever let herself be known as soon as it was too late. the overwhelming sense of waste, the lack of closure, the fact she was gone before you even had time to react. could you have saved her, if you just pushed a little harder? would she have been able to grow into a better person, if she just had a little more time? would she have even been forgiven, in the small chance she could forgive herself for her mom, her friends, herself? does she deserve it?
it hurts cause i know to a lot of people thats all ill ever be, too.
i need this to get diagnosed. or at least just explained to me. feels like any amount of stress will paralyze me, causing me to be inactive, causing me more stress that continues to paralyze me. i just want to be able to get through a day feeling like i didn’t disappoint anyone in any way. which i know won’t happen unless i convince myself i wont disappoint anyone. do i have a disability? i guess its hard to call it anything else. could never claim being “disabled” tho, that’s for people with real problems.
idk i just wish people knew how much i can’t move without me having to admit that.