Go The F*** To Sleep (Rogue Edition)
This is a Bear-created parody of “Go The F*** To Sleep”, a book referenced frequently in our group because the GM and Rogue’s kids WILL NOT GO TO BED AT REASONABLE TIMES ON GAME NIGHTS.
You probably have guessed given the source material, but this one has plenty of NSFW language.
The sailors have left for our homeland The guards are all safe in the keep. There's no one left to backstab, dear rogue. Please go the fuck to sleep. Croucher is in someone's bedroom. The sauhaugin lie down in the deep. You can loot one very last chest if you swear You'll go the fuck to sleep. The wyverns who soar through the sky are at rest And the undead who crawl, run and creep. I know you're not working. That's bullshit. Stop lying. Lie the fuck down, little half-elf, and sleep. Tree cthulhus snore in the rafters And the farmers lay out fruit for Meep It's been thirty-eight minutes already. Moradin's balls, what the fuck? Go to sleep. All the kids from your slum are in dreamland. The froggie has made his last leap (because he was a slave owning son of a bitch with no hitpoints and shit for attack). Er...uh... Hell no you can't go to the casino. You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep. The reports are all filed away neatly. The colonists have food to eat. Frustration consumes our clerical friend. For real: shut the fuck up and sleep. The daggers and knives are all polished Wrapped in a big, snuggly sheath. How come you can do all this sneaking around But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep? Auntie Bloat rests below the waves now And their children the farmers can keep. No more crits now, the combat is over. I've got two words for you, Aster: fucking sleep. The governor has another ulcer The bullshit has piled up so deep Fuck your petition, you're not getting shit. Close your eyes, cut the crap: sleep. The gnolls are all drowned in the river. We just taken off with their fleet. You've made me become a goddamned sailor. Stop fucking with me please, and sleep. Giant beetles are eating the forest. As I lie here and openly weep. Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some gold. Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep. This treehouse is all I remember. The construction is lazy and cheap. You win! You escape, you run down the tree As I nod the fuck off and sleep. Bleary and dazed I awaken To find your eyes shut, so I keep My fingers crossed tight, as I tip-toe away And pray that you're fucking asleep. But I have disadvantage on stealth rolls My heavy armor lets out a creak Oh shit, goddamn it, you've got to be kidding Go the fuck back to sleep!