Hey! Mostly x reader. There needs to be more fanfics for ride the cyclone. I might also make fics for other fandoms. But mostly rtc!! Also hcs!! Feel free to send requests s!!
Hey. Hey. What if, now hear me out... they all lived and just did normal teen things. Hypothetical situations please friend
No they all die
Sike
WHAT IF THEY FUCKING SURVIVED
Ok so. The accident still happened! Except they didn’t die.
Since like the accident happened at the top of the loop its safe to assume like canonically they like landed so the ride was on top and they were on the ground?? You know what imm trying to say??
Anyways. For them to survive let me manipulate the laws of physics and make the ride turn so it lands on the bottom. It still VERY MUCH hurts them. But no death :)
But because they didn’t die!! Father Markus dosen’t either!! Because i believe the news of the choir’s death sent him into a shock induced heart attack.
So the poor kids are brought into a hospital, Ocean and Ricky need surgery.
Mischa and noel are on serious pain killers, but i believe they’re doing the best out of all kids.
Penny hit her head really bad and was in a coma for a week.
Constance broke her leg and arm but overall is ok.
After a serious recovery period, they’re all admitted to therapy. And they get pressured into making a support group. But it does end up bringing them closer together.
But after a bit they all end up better and happy! They also live the lives they wanted. They all get out of uranium after graduation:)
hiii omg can u write a mischa bachinski x reader :pleading: literally anything with him hes a silly billy i love him sooo bad ^-^
Dude of course!! I literally love him i will have any excuse to write about him.
I AM BACK. I HAD TO RE-WRITE THIS TWICE I AM SOBBING.
Mischa bachinski x reader
Breathing out, you see your own breath. You were supposed to get a ride home but your friend had a surprise shift at work and your mom is two towns over. So unless you wanted to stay at the school for an extra three hours, you had to walk home.
You normally did walk home, however not when it was this cold out. You felt like you were made of ice, it was that cold. You could barely feel or move your fingers, and your ears burned like someone was tickling them with fire.
You wondered why the school was still open, it was literally freezing out. You could barely walk, even with your jacket you felt like you were dying.
You weakly wrapped your fingers around your jacket and pulled it closer. Out of all the days to forget your gloves at home, today was definitely the worst.
Some car started to pull up next to you. Great. Are you about to be catcalled? This is one way to make your day even better!! -sarcasm-
The driver rolled their window down, and oh great. It was Mischa Bachinski. You’ve literally had a crush on him since the time you had to work on a history project with him.
“ Hey <Name> you need a ride?” He asked you.
You were tempted but you were already halfway home. And your ego would not let you ask for help. “ No. I’m ok. Thank you though.”
“ Are you sure? You look like a dying chicken.”
You had no clue what that meant. But it probably meant you were dying.
“ Ok,, I guess a ride would be nice”
“ Then get in.” Ominous but ok.
You opened his passenger door and sat inside. Wow it was warm as hell in here.
“ whats your address?”
“ oh uhm its..” you clutched yours hands close to your body to try and warm them up.
“ What’s wrong?”
“ Uhh nothing really,, my hands are just cold..”
He looked you up and down, and then he put his hand out. “ Give me your hands.”
Reluctantly you put your hands in his. His hands were warm as hell. You tried not to blush, but you did. You could probably pass it off as frostbite.
“ Jesus, your hands are cold.”
“ I know..”
“ You shouldn’t have been walking out in the cold.” He was still holding your hands, and boy were they sure warming up.
“ I know, but no one was able to give me a ride.”
“ I could’ve. I mean, next time if no one else i able to drive you. I will.”
“ Oh! Uhm, are you sure Mischa?” He nodded, and started to drive you home. The drive was silent but it was comfortable.
You started debating yourself on what to do.
“ is this your house?”
“ yup! Thanks Mischa.” You unbuckled your seatbelt, and was about to leave.
“ Wait! <name>!”
“ Yes?”
He grabbed your hand. “ Let me see if your hands warmed up.” You blushed at this. “ All better.” He kissed your hand.
HE KISSED YOUR HAND. OH MY GOD?? HELP. You panicked internally as you left. You went inside and oh my god. He kissed your HAND.
Ricky wasn't sure what he did to get your attention. No one paid him much attention before, ever since he stopped talking he may as well have stopped existing.
But one day you passed him a note. He remembered assuming he was supposed to pass it to someone else. He also remembered thinking it was weird to pass notes in the age of cellphones.
But when he turned to you to see what direction to send it in, you just indicated the note again.
So he opened it, kind of in shock, kind of thinking he was doing the wrong thing looking at something that probably wasn't his.
It said, hi. Nice to meet you. You'd even signed your name.
He'd looked at you again, still wondering how he'd misinterpreted what he was supposed to do. You just smiled.
Well that was it, this was a super weird day. Awesome though.
It'd be rude not to respond, right? Even if this was all some strange mistake.
Some wonderful, magical mistake.
He scrawled a nice to meet you too -Ricky onto the paper and quickly aimed it at you.
Unfortunately it landed just a bit short. He thought he'd managed to screw it up already and you'd just leave it- and him- there. But you stuck your leg out, nudged it toward yourself and picked it up.
You grinned and wrote a response.
Let's be friends.
Somehow you actually ended up following through. Ricky thought when it turned out the note-passing wasn't just an optional quirk, when he couldn't keep up, when he needed more time to rest, you'd give up.
But you stayed. You took breaks with him. You wrote on paper and learned sign language and you stuck with him even though he knew it would've been really easy to find another friend.
But the thing that was best was that you listened to him.
You didn't care that both of you were ignored now. You didn't care that he was weird. Or maybe you liked him because he was weird, who knows.
He was just really glad to have a friend.
And consequently mortified by the realization that he was starting to feel a little less friendly toward you.
This wasn't a particularly strange occurrence- he was into people, you were a person, better yet one who gave him the time of day. And you were so.... perfect.
So nice. So funny. So gentle and forgiving and understanding and you didn't judge him like he thought people would if they knew him. So beautiful.
But he couldn't ever act on it.
He didn't have a lot of reasons why, he just knew he couldn't.
Every once in a while a reason surfaced, like how would you two go out? You can't do anything, dates would be so boring or being your friend is one thing but dating you is different, no one is gonna want to do that any time soon. Hence the weird cat fantasy you're very lucky didn't completely wreck what you two already had going on.
He didn't take any of that too seriously. You wouldn't be embarrassed of him. You already weren't and he was pretty sure Ocean thought you two were dating anyway and you didn't seem to mind.
He decided to test the waters.
You were eating lunch, happily signing away.
Then you mentioned Mischa and his debatably-real fiance.
"You ever want what he has?" Ricky signed.
"A Ukrainian girlfriend?" You quipped.
"No, love. A relationship."
"I mean... yeah," you sign. "But who am I supposed to date? I can't just snap my fingers and conjure a boyfriend."
"Me... maybe," Ricky suggested.
"Wait seriously?"
"Yeah. It's fine though you don't have to go out with me."
"That sounds great actually." You grabbed his hand, squeezed momentarily and then went on chatting with him. That was that. You had a boyfriend now. A great one, by the look of the smile on your face.
grabs your shoulders and shakes you mischa x reader. MISCHA X READER
Where he asks reader out for the first time please
Hey! I already did something like that somewhere on here but some ideas are so nice you gotta do em twice!
Today is the day. He means it this time, he's really going to do it. You two have been flirting- at least he's pretty sure- and he isn't all that scared.
Granted he's chickened out a bunch already, and one time he opened his mouth to say it and then hastily closed it before the words "Marry me" could slip out (THAT would be several steps in the wrong direction), but still.
A few hours of careful obsessing, trying to focus and not focusing, and finally the day is over and he has his moment.
"Hey Mischa, you wanna walk me home or what?" you ask.
"Coming!" he calls. He grabs his bag and follows you out of the building. It's a nice day out. Cold, but sunny and calm.
You notice the cold a bit more than the tranquility it seems, because you shiver and move closer to Mischa subconsciously.
"Are you cold?" he asks.
"A little," you say. He starts to take off his jacket. "Oh hey you don't have to-" It's already being draped on you. You put your arms in the sleeves and your hands in the pockets. "Thanks. That's much better. Are you sure you don't need it?"
"Nah, I'm fine, you take it," he says. You're in front of your house.
"You wanna come in?" you ask.
"Can't," he says. "Choir practice."
"And you still walked me home? Mischa, you're probably already late, why-"
"Go out with me," he blurts out. It comes out fast, nearly incoherent.
"Huh?"
"Go out with me," he repeats it before he can lose his nerve. "I want to be with you, you consume my mind, when I look at you I see beauty in the world, for the first time since I came to this country." You're not sure if it's the words or your own feelings or both but your heart is aching and fluttering in your chest and damn does this just feel like everything you've wanted since you two became friends.
"Yeah, okay," you say. "Blackwood Cafe at seven on Saturday then."
Wow. That was actually really easy.
"Dope!" He beams. "See you then!"
It's only when he gets back to school and Ocean asks him what's got him smiling like thatand Noel asks if he's finally just lost it and/or started doing cocaine that he remembers you still have his jacket.
May is request you and Mischa’s first kiss? Also your fics are carrying this fandom!!!!!
Thank you! I had no idea how much we all craved these honestly, I just wanted some and there wasn't any so I made it lol
Anyway yes, you absolutely may ask me for a first kiss with Mischa, I love him so much. May we all find a relationship with love that strong.
Mischa was the kind of guy who usually didsn't sweat the small stuff.
'Was,' in this case, meaning he is very much sweating his and your first kiss. He isn't some expert in love, far from it, but he knows from Noel's weird romance movies and just general expectation that this is a big deal. The first kiss sets the tone for the whole relationship and all that. He wants it to be perfect. He has to find the way to communicate, without words, in a single moment, how much you mean to him.
Call him dramatic, whatever. This matters.
At first the plan was to do it when he first asked you out but he did that so casually that kissing you like crazy seemed like the wrong move.
So he held off for a little while.
And you, being smart (or at least smart enough to see when the unruffled ball of pure rage suddenly becomes a marshmallow), know he's waiting for the right time.
Which just doesn't seem right. Mischa, patiently awaiting the right moment? Hesitating? Nah. You know him too well not to know when he's getting in his own head.
Which allowed you to create a plan that'll give him an opportunity too good to pass up.
You invite him over, build a pillow fort covering most of the living room, get all the Saw movies queued up on the TV- not particularly romantic, no, but if you watch a rom-com tonight you're gonna spoil the surprise- and ready to go as soon as he gets here, and all the best snacks.
Mischa is glad of any excuse to leave his basement so he shows up ten minutes after you text him. You live across town and he doesn't own a car, so you don't even believe that as it happens.
Toward the end of the night, when Saw VI (which is Mischa's favorite, even though he sometimes gets it mixed up with Saw V) is playing and you're curled up in a nest of blankets, the TV and a few strings of warm-toned fairy lights illuminate you two, you make your move.
"It's really nice getting to hang out like this," you say. "I like you, Mischa." He looks at you and you're a bit closer. Neither of you miss where the other's eyes are focused.
"I like you too," he says. Is this it? Is this the moment he'd freaked out about? He leans in. You lean in.
It doesn't freak him out now.
In a moment that puts all fantasies to shame, he kisses you.
He tastes like marshmallows from the s'mores and a little bit like vodka. His hand is on the back of your neck, clinging to you and pulling you close.
Whatever gory display is on the screen to your side is irrelevant. You can't even hear it. It doesn't matter.
What matters is him, right here, smelling like the air in Uranium City and his shampoo and drinking you in like sweet ambrosia nectar.
"That was..." His voice turns husky, which combined with his accent is just so beautiful.
"Yeah it was." You don't need the rest of the sentence to know you agree.
And you don't need him to ask you to kiss him again. You just lean in and rise up a little so you can lean even closer, and it's just as sweet as the first.
His hair is so soft, like feels like heaven ( like where he is rn)
He is strangely good at cooking. He dosen’t do it often but when he does, he’s better than gordon ramsy
But going off that. His mother was an amazing cook and taught him how to cook as-well.
Cooking reminds him of his mom and that just makes him sad sometimes .
This bad boy can fit so much trauma
He probably should go to therapy considering he is a alcoholic at 17. But he will one day hopefully
Bro literally hides his emotions but like he is also so so open. You either get nothing or get all of his trauma dumped on you.
This is kind of a dating him head cannon but its so cute so here it is:
He would want to impress your friends/family so badly. So he would ask you what each of your friends/family like and before meeting them. And he would go out and buy so much shit just for them.
Literally so so sweet.
Holds the car door open for you. Will push you back in the car and shut the door just to reopen it if you DARE to open the door first.
Back to the non romantic ones:
Ok he is so good at video games
Like he takes a minute to learn the controls and then boom he is suddenly on the leaderboard ( if the game has one)
He has his own car and he uses it basically to uber the choir around
He probably works at a movie theatre
He is such a good and yet terrible influence
He was in the school musical. Not willingly though, the musical director cornered him in a room and forced him to audition.
He liked being in it but refuses to admit it
He also loves the choir but would rather die than admit that he actually wants to stay in it
Can fight. I mean how else can he protect the choir?
He is so protective ( in a good way)
Will put himself in front of the choir to protect them and shit i just 🤭🤭
Tried learning french for noel ( to bond) and hated it so much he stopped.
Can lift up each of the choir kids.
Strong. No i will not elaborate
He is allergic to a hairy caterpillars. Don’t ask where i got this from. I will not tell you.
He dosen’t even know he is because he’s never even seen one
He loves animals but is more of a dog person
He once housed a puppy in his basement for a week before having to give her away
He named her cardi b ( i will not elaborate)
Kids love him. He doesn’t know why but they do
‘ its the man with the funny accent!’
Constance was the first one to meet him, she showed him around the school
You've done it all. Applied yourself in therapy for real, taken dumb walks for your dumb mental health, become really good friends with Penny and started to branch out your world so that it isn't so small anymore.
And there's no happy end in sight.
You're kind of sick of the idea that it should end happily, with you all "I'm okay now" about things. You don't think that end exists for situations like yours. You think you're always gonna be a little pissed, a little sad.
But you're getting to a point where you don't have Catholic guilt about being happy anymore. Where laughing doesn't feel like a betrayal of yourself and you can see a picture of them without wanting to cry until you throw up.
Where being here, in rows of seats, wearing St. Cassian's colorful graduation robes and smiling over at Penny every few glances, is doable. Where seeing five empty seats makes your heart ache, but at least they're being acknowledged and that's something.
The valedictorian speaks about how she wishes it were Ocean giving this speech instead of her, but Ocean's driven pursuit of the title and zeal for academics was inspiring. And you agree.
Mischa's parents are presented with his honorary diploma like the other parents and they at least have the decency to look solemn and quietly proud.
The replacement class president unveils the Ricky Potts Accessibility Act, putting three extra ramps and an elevator in the school so other disabled pupils can get around easier. It'd be better if he didn't have to die (and you didn't have to harrass Father Markus) to get it to happen. But it happened.
The Blackwood Cafe raised enough money for a memorial statue of the choir at the site where the car landed. There's a plaque below it denoting your and Penny's leading contributions. But a lot of people pitched in. You don't care why anymore. They did it, that's what matters.
The employees who worked with Noel at the mall food court got a lot of money sent the way of a few LGBTQ+ charities, and at your request, sent some of his ashes to Paris with one of his cowerkers' class field trip to France so part of him could get dumped in the catacombs. You think he'd have liked that. Penny agrees.
All in all it's not perfect. But it's a lot more than you hoped for a few months ago. And you don't want to die anymore so you'll take that any day.
You still look at photos of them on your phone sometimes and Penny still has to remind you that you're not the only person who knew them or who gets to be upset that they're gone every once in a while.
But you've cut back counseling sessions to once a week and you don't feel alone.
And eventually, sure, you might forget them, but that doesn't seem to be coming for a while yet.
The last of the names have been called, the last diplomas handed out and handshakes given. All the speeches read, the band played, the newly-reinstated choir sang.
You leap to your feet, throw your cap into the air and watch as it's joined by six others, and then dozens.
For a moment, everything slows way down. You imagine the six that first joined your cap are theirs. The lights grow blinding and the tumultuous yelling fades to a dull rush in the background.
You snatch your cap back out of the air as everything comes back into focus and speeds back up. In an instant, Penny's at your side.
"For a moment I thought I heard them," she says. You nod.
"Me too," you say. Penny wonders if Ricky was included in your mind, if you knew what he sounded like. Probably not. But that was probably okay.
"We should go get something to eat," Penny says. "And maybe we can eat it at the memorial."
"That'd be nice," you say. It'd feel like they're there. You allow her to grab your arm. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here, so you push the door open and together, you take a step out and head toward the memorial, and then... who knows.
As promised, tooth-rotting fluff with Mischa. It's short but I really just wanted to write something small and sweet with him.
Lately your place felt more like yours and Mischa's, to be honest.
But to be equally honest, you don't mind. He's welcome here whenever and he knows that.
Right now you're curled up on the couch, with his arm resting on its back behind your head while you lean on his shoulder. He finally convinced you to watch Saw V with him and it's really pretty good actually.
You're hugging his waist for dear life even though the movie isn't all that scary because it's just so nice to be here with him. There are like thirty blankets on you.
It's nice.
His other hand traces over the skin on your forearm, running little patterns up and down. It's a cute little habit of yours that he's started to emulate because he just likes to touch you at all times.
"You gonna spend the night again?" you ask.
"If it's all right with you, yes," he says. You smile.
"Absolutely," you say. The last thing you want is to have to let go of him. You snuggle deeper into the blankets and lean on him a bit more. He lowers the arm that's behind you so he's holding you.
Before long, you're laying down. He's wrapped around you like another blanket and you're listening to his steady heartbeat more than the movie.
The movie ends but Mischa doesn't bother putting on another one. You're both going to be asleep soon.
You tuck the blankets around him a bit better and kiss the base of his neck where it meets his shoulder.
"Night babe," you say.
"Goodnight my love," he responds, and you sigh happily as he squeezes you tighter. "тебе кохаю."
Y'all have put me in a very firm Ride The Cyclone mood so here we go
Mischa Bachinski
• Literally any time with him is a good time
• He thinks the same of you so you can take him anywhere and he'll have a good time as long as he's with you.
• His favorites are carnival/amusement park dates (but like maybe NOT the Cyclone?) or arcade dates and stuff like that. He wants to win you stuff, sue him.
• He'd also love to cuddle up with you (in his basement you'd have to be cuddled up because it's definitely cold as fuck) and watch a scary movie. It's totally not because he hopes you'll get scared and he'll have an excuse to hold you.
• His ideal date though? The one he can't imagine getting to do but he literally actually dreams about it?
• He wants to take you on a tour of his home town, outside Odesa in Ukraine. He wants to show you his fondest memories and unite the two best things in his life.
• Most of your dates are cheap and low-key since his parents give him the barest minimum.
• He likes hanging out with you in his basement (you make it a much less unpleasant place) and hanging out in random deserted places or sometimes your place.
• You watch a lot of movies. He surprisingly likes and is really good at card games too though so sometimes you do that.
• He will utterly obliterate you at any video game though. His favorites are horror games like Outlast but anything dealing with radioactivity is a touchy subject.
Penny Lamb/Jane Doe
• I feel like she'd be an "easy hike to a good picinic spot, stop for lunch at said spot then go back" kind of girl.
• She doesn't have much money either so your dates have to be cheap.
• Cute fall shit would also be a key player in her dates.
• Think corn mazes (not as fun as she'd hoped but she'll find a way to make it fun somehow), apple picking (especially if it's followed in the next few days by homemade apple pie making), pumpkin patches and eating in a park while looking at the fall color changes.
• Probably would also like dates from the "date ideas" lists you find on Tik Tok? Like the "go through the entire date while holding hands" and "cook e/o's favorite meals" and "draw e/o" ones? Her favorites are the ones that get you both looked at funny and neither of you even care.
• Botanical garden dates. I just feel like she knows a lot about plants and wants so desperately to talk about it.
• Or going to the zoo. But the facts she shares there might freak you out just a bit more than the plant facts so that's a later-in-the-relationship thing maybe.
• She scares kinda easy I think so scary movies are a bad idea if you don't want to have her nails embedded in your arm and a cast of her face molded into your chest.
• She would make really good flower crowns so take her to a meadow or something and just let her loose
• Fairs and carnivals will be great but again not the Cyclone.
• Reading together. That's it that's the hc
Ricky Potts
• Unfortunately there's not much he can do owing to his condition but he tries to make what he can do count.
• He'd probably show you a lot of sci-fi movies. I think he likes Star Trek and Galaxy Quest the best.
• He has written fanfic and he will show you if you ask nice and promise not to be judgy
• He'd also take you to see the movie Cats and it'd be half-ironic and hilarious and you'd have the best time
• Lots of sit-down dates so you can have sign language conversations. He'd take you out for froyo and the like. It'd be really fun but I guarantee he likes weird flavor combinations.
• Stargazing would be another fun thing to do with him bc he'd point out where Zolar supposedly is.
• His house is basically a cat cafe so you can hang out there and pet a seemingly infinite number of cats. He jokes that you're just dating him for premium cat access
• He likes museum dates and aquarium dates. Provided of course what wheelchairs are available because the crutches only take him so far.
• Back on the space-themed dates thing (he likes space a lot and that's why it's the setting of his elaborate daydream fantasy, fight me) planetarium/observatory dates.
• He probably has this built-up idea in his head of what romantic relationships are supposed to be like and he gets this idea through romance movies and rom-coms so he probably takes you on 'traditional' dates with red roses and two-straw milkshakes and stuff.
Constance Blackwood:
• Dating her gives you like two free meals a week at the Blackwood Cafe so you eat there a lot.
• Amusement park/carnival dates INCLUDING the Cyclone because that's her favorite ride
• Haunted houses and Spirit Halloween dates during fall, public tree lightings during winter, egg hunts in spring, fireworks shows in summer, this girl has all the seasonal dates. ALL of em
• Watching movies with her but be warned if it's a scary one she's gonna somehow nervousness herself into giggling like a lunatic every time someone is in danger
• Like Penny, she probably likes botanical garden dates and zoos or aquariums. She won't freak you out with odd facts about lion reproductive habits though so there's that.
• She's actually okay with anywhere you go as long as you do something because she just really likes having you around
• She knows all the best spots in town to hang out and she'll happily show you them because if even one person loves this town a fraction as much as she does she'll be satisfied.
• She'd have so much fun on a roller skating date. She can't skate, she's clinging to you and shrieking every time her balance falters but she is DELIGHTED.
• Dates where she just does random life stuff with you would be THE best to her. Grocery store dates, late night drives, long walks. She gets all giddy it's cute
• Beach dates if it ever gets warm
Noel Gruber
• He needs some excitement so everything he wants to do is dramatic or spectacular
• Amusement park and carnival dates HAVE to end on the ferris wheel it's just a must
• Escape room dates lmao. He'd suck at solving them but he takes it so seriously the whole time
• Y'know those days that are fun in hindsight but not while they're happening? He lives for those. Take him on an adventure that is bound to go wrong and you'll have his heart.
• This also means sneaking into concerts >>> actually just going to them like a normal person
• Basically raise the stakes on any endeavor and he's invested
• Doing anything like bowling, video games or arcade dates with him is gonna make him hypercompetitive. He'll win. No 'or,' he'll win.
• An art museum would also be a good idea for him because he definitely knows a lot about French history for ✨✨🌟aesthetic✨🌟🌟✨
• He'd kick ass at karaoke too. He hated the choir but he longed for a chance to perform properly
• Drive in movie dates? Drive in movie dates. Especially if it's an old movie, ESPECIALLY French or France-Related
• He has a very traditional pure romance side to him so dinner dates with red roses at a nice restaurant, dancing in the rain, all that stuff is more than welcome too.
• Sometimes he just calls any amount of time you spend together a date because fuck it why can't it be?
Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg
• She gets a kick out of really wholesome, innocent dates
• Ice cream dates, candy shops (think Rocket Fizz), those soda bars they have in Utah (and other places but mostly Utah) stuff like that
• You brought her over to watch Barbie movies and do each other's hair/nails/makeup/whatever as a little tease about her innocence but it ended up being an unironically good time
• Study dates. Gotta keep that GPA up even if she does have a date mate now (she said date mate out loud and Noel laughed so hard he started wheezing).
• Making pillow forts together would become a hallowed tradition
• Ice skating. She's scary good at it for someone who has never done it for any reason other than recreationally.
• She's another one who'd like drive-in movies but for her it's just the fifties-aesthetic thing it has going on
• She wants you to make a time capsule with her at some point (oh no if you don't AU her out of dying that time capsule's gonna be so sad)
• Mini golfing date 100%. She's another one who gets really competitive though so any competitive endeavor you let her near is gonna end with her claiming she 'won'. The date. She won the date. Just let her have the win.
• She'd love to go to like a trampoline park or something. She thinks she's gonna be disappointed but no, she loves it
• If you take her to a carnival she's gonna make you take a separate bumper car and she will crush you I'm sorry
• Trivia nights but she'll win so what's the point (the point is to make her happy you monster)
*
Up next is some happy fluffy Mischa content because we deserve it and so does he, hope you enjoy!
omg i love ur blog!! could i possibly request a jane doe/penny x reader but they’re in a qpr?? that’d make my little aro heart SO happy
Of course! I had to do a little research on QPRs to make sure it was accurate! But if its not totally accurate let me know 💀
But here you go <3
Penny lamb/jane doe x Reader
You were standing outside of the choir room, waiting for your ‘zucchini’ penny lamb. It was already 3:35, and they were supposed to get out five minutes ago.
Father Markus did have a bad habit of letting them out late. It did end up messing with your plans but theres not much you can do about it, its not like you can walk in there and just grab penny and leave.
You looked up as suddenly the choir kids were walking out. They didn’t acknowledge you, you weren’t really their friends. You were just there for penny. After a minute she finally walked out, her hair in two braids resting on her shoulders.
“ hey [name]! Sorry that took longer than expected, father Markus keeps losing track of time and..” Penny trailed off.
You smiled and grabbed her hand. “ Don’t worry, its ok I totally understand!” You started to walk down the hallway with her.
“ You wanted to surprise me right? Orr am I allowed to know what we’re doing.” Penny just smiled at you as she swung your guy’s hands.
“ Well.. first we’re going to get food at the blackwood café! Because I know how much you like their hot chocolate and croissants. Then we can go to the park and maybe do homework.”
“ and after all that?”
“ after all that we can go home or do some more stuff. Only if you want to!” You opened the school doors and made sure to hold it for penny so she could walk out.
“ I think thats all perfect [Name].” Penny smiled st you. You liked her smile, it was pretty.
Penny and you walked to the blackwood café. You both sat down as you waited for your drinks and food. “ So how was choir practice?” You asked her , you never really had an interest in choir. But you were curious on what happened in that room when only the kids were there.
“ oh it was ok. We started learning a new song? Fall fair? Its ok, the other kids haven’t really talked to me. Constance is nice and Ocean is ok. But the others haven’t really acknowledged me.” Penny said as she played with the hem of her uniform.
You sort of frowned at this. Penny sounded kind of sad, and you didn’t want your zucchini to feel like this. She was the sweetest girl you knew, and she didn’t deserve to feel this way.
“ I’m really sorry that, they kind of ignored you. You deserve better.” You said just as your name was called.
“ [Name] your order is ready.” Constance’s mom called out. You got up and grabbed both cups, and the bag with your food.
“ Thank you.”
You walked back to penny and placed her hot chocolate infront of her.
“ Thank you [Name]..” Penny looked down at her drink, she seemed to be thinking about something. But you didn’t really want to push her about it. You took a sip from your hot chocolate.
Soon enough you both left the café, holding hands as you walked to the local park. It wasn’t that exciting, there was a old wooden playground that kids would rarely even play on. And there were lots of trees. But it definitely was better than literally anywhere else in town.
“ So.. do you have any homework you wanted to work on?” You ask, desperately trying to find a conversation starter.
“ No. I don’t.” You just nod, you think of other things to say.
“ Well.. how’s your brother? Ezra?”
“ oh he’s ok.” Ok maybe that wasn’t a great conversation starter.
“ Hey, [Name]?”
“ Yea penny?”
“ I just wanted to say.. uhm.. thank you.”
“ Oh? You’re welcome? For what?” You tilted your head in slight confusion.
“ Well you’re kind of the only person who was really nice to me. And.. I guess i just wanted to thank you.” She smiled at you, and well you couldn’t help but smile back.
You hugged her. “ Its really no problem Penny. You’re amazing and I love to have you as a friend.”
Penny just giggled. “ Yea me too.”
—————
I searched up what you call someone you’re in a QPR relationship with, and i got told Zucchini? So i used that, sorry if its wrong and if Google totally fucking trolled me.
Also apologies on my poor writing skills i’m trying ok theres like no other fanfics out there 😭
Penny won't let you sleep until you forget they're dead or roll your feelings up into a little ball until you forget you're alive. She won't even let you get drunk off Mischa's miraculously omnipresent vodka stash.
So lately you've been forced to deal with your grief the normal way. Or the healthy way as the counselor calls it.
The school makes you see her during your free period on Tuesdays and Fridays. She takes up the time you used to spend in the practice rooms, getting extra rehearsal in with one or two of the others.
She's explained the stages of grief to you a few times, as well as what stage you're in.
The last one was anger. Apparently next up is bargaining but you don't know how that's supposed to go.
You can't bargain for shit. You have nothing to offer in return for everything that was taken from you.
Who would you even bargain with? The same force that robbed you of them in the first place?
It wasn't even possible to bring them back so what would you be bargaining for, even?
In her attempt to bring you answers she's only handed you more confusion.
For days, you wander the halls in a trance of your own making. Who needs booze or drugs when you can just be so confused, searching for the next step on this flight of stairs out of your misery and failing to find it, that you pay no attention to anything else?
There was a time, maybe when you were little, that you thought life had a lot of meaning. That every question had an answer and that all those answers were worth finding.
But when the question is, "how do I bargain my way out of grieving my friends," you don't think there was an answer.
Nor do you want one.
All the friends you had outside the choir (the maybe 3 there were) are distant now. You were already not very close before the accident and now it's hard to talk to them without just feeling sick.
That's not exactly helping your current position, because what you need is to get out of your own damn head and stop wondering what you're supposed to be 'bargaining.'
And Penny is no help, unfortunately, because if you go to her for a distraction you'll just end up talking about rebuilding the choir (an effort you're still dragging your feet on) or what you're both going through since the accident.
So not the best topics of conversation right now.
You've tried reading but you just end up reading the same sentence or paragraph over and over in between long periods of just staring blankly at a book while spinning out.
You've tried asking about this with the counselor but the counselor just asked you "do you feel like you're somehow failing to grieve the expected way and that may be prolonging your despair?" And when you convinced her that no, that wasn't it, she asked if you were trying to interrogate your feelings in an attempt to rationalize them away.
So she didn't explain anything and now you felt guilty about all the overthinking.
So you've resolved to stop doing that- you leave the grieving at the door of the counselor's and the rest of the time you spend doing other things. Any other things.
You save your reminiscing for after school, when you're at home in bed. You're tapering. It starts as binges, holding them as close as you can, and then you let them go little by little until they take up the normal amount of space in your life for dead people to take. It's probably healthy enough. Better than your last attempt to just cold-turkey ignore their existence.
Consequently, you don't do anything choir-related in school, save for helping Penny and the new director Mr. Meeks get new members. So far it's not very successful because everyone joked about the choir being cursed until it didn't feel like a joke anymore.
Unfortunately the consequences on your sleep schedule have been dire. You get maybe two hours of sleep on average. Mornings and nights are spent scouring your phone and every keepsake for traces of your friends.
So the tapering is slightly unsuccessful but at least you've kicked the sleeping-for-days-at-a-time thing.
You continue to keep yourself awake. Your spinning out has branched away from "how do I even 'bargain'" toward all the different ways you're failing to grieve.
Damn it, Ms. Brightman. She jinxed you.
If you can just start sleeping the normal amount of hours a night, you'll be fine. If you can just stop doing everything in your power to remind yourself of them, you'll be fine. If you stop buying those adult zen coloring books Ocean used to calm herself down when she got freaked out, if you just stop buying those scented markers and erasers Constance liked. If you stop listening to Mischa's music all the time. If you stop feeding Ricky's cats when they're out and about. If you just stop poking at the emotional wound and peeling the scab.
Then you start wondering. You're not stating things as fact but throwing questions into the abyss that has become your life.
What if the roller coaster had crashed at a different moment? Would they have lived, injured, long enough to still be here with you today? Maybe they would. Maybe you'd be visiting them in the hospital rather than visiting their graves as each appears, one by one, in the cemetery.
It'd at least mean holding on so tight made sense. Hospitalized, in need of support, comatose even, but still alive, is far better than dead.
What if you'd been on the coaster with them? What if you hadn't chickened out? Would you have died? Would the extra weight of just one person have changed something, caused it to falter and stop, allowed you off rather than claim all your lives?
Would that be better than this? Would Penny be alone now, rather than having you at least?
What if you'd convinced them not to go? What if you'd made up some story about a coaster making those sorts of sounds and immediately derailed? Would it have stopled them? Would it have stopped even just one?
You're still not sure what the 'bargaining' stage of grief even fucking means. All you've done is endlessly question every aspect of that day, of the time after it, of the time before it. You've retraced every step, stared at the carnival when you drove past it and asked so many questions you can't remember all of them.
Why does this carnival still exist after it took your friends away? Why do you still exist if you have to exist like this?
Is bargaining just for people who have something left to lose?
You don't. You don't have anything left. Maybe if you did you'd have offered it up by now, hoping it'd bring them back.
You remember what Penny said that day. Are you upset that I died and they didn't? Do you wish that I had died and that one of them was still here?
No, you decide firmly. You don't. You wouldn't trade Penny for them. She deserves to be here, she's so important and wonderful and you're so glad she exists.
That's not the trade you would make. All of them for you, maybe. If someone came down and said, you can bring them all back, fix the course of history, if you just get into line ahead of them and the coaster derails with just you in it, you'd say yes. No question.
But that trade can't be made.
Bring them back or take me with them can't either. This isn't a negotiation, it's a shut door that you're trying to break open.
But hey. At least you're awake. At least you're grieving and not shoving it all down.
At least you're bargaining. Whatever the fuck that means.
omg i love ur hc's sm, do you have any for constance & ocean ?
I definitely do! I hope you enjoy!!
OCEAN AND CONSTANCE HCS!!
Platonic
First off they met around 3rd grade.
Constance was definitely a shy kid
The main reason they became friends was because ocean would not leave constance alone!!
Constance would just be drawing or reading and Ocean would just randomly show up and bother her.
Constance didn’t mind!! She liked having someone willingly talking to her!!
Ocean probably can’t cook very well because her parents probably don’t or rarely go food shopping for ingredients for actual meals.
So Ocean probably wouldn’t bring lunch to school and would just wait after.
But constance and her mom are great ass cooks!! And the second constance found out about the lack of lunch
She would start bringing in two lunches everyday. One for her and one for ocean
Ocean feels bad but the food tastes fucking fantastic
Anyways constance is too nice to stand up for herself or correct someone if her order is wrong
So ocean does that for her
Ocean: excuse me she asked for no pickles
Constance: * literally about to cry* sorry
Anyways, i believe when they were younger constance had a small crush on Ocean. It was short lived and it like happened around the time she started questioning her sexuality
She thought she liked ocean because she was the only person who really cared about getting to truly know her
They proof read eachother’s work! They have a little system of when one of them has an essay the other reads it and gives tips! Helps them both get passing grades. Especially constance 😭
Ocean is very prone to losing/forgetting things, so constance usually has spares of almost everything on her
Its snowing out but Ocean needs to walk home? Earmuffs, gloves and scarfs for the both of them.
Need water? Got an extra waterbottle
Food? Girl always has snacks on her
Sleepovers!! Every other weekend Ocean sleeps over at constience’s house! They study, play games! Make constance’s brother cry-
Pizza night started with constance and Ocean.
Constance’s mom realized how ocean’s parents are kind of shitty at their jobs. So to try and help. She made pizza night for the girls!
It happens two times a month, it started with the blackwood family and ocean. And now the entire choir is invited too!
I could absolutely say more of that
Ocean wears retainers, and i don’t know if anyone else’s orthodontist does this. But mine gave me 3d copies of my teeth. So her’s gave her a 3d copy of her teeth.
She gave them to constance as a joke but also because if she ever broke or lost her retainer she needed them to get a new one. Now they’re on the night stand next to constance’s bed. They stay next to her framed photo of them from when they were ten <3
You have heard that stupid saying a million times by now and you're not sure it's true. The counselor says it like it's reassuring but it's not.
It's not reassuring if 'healing' means not caring anymore. It's not reassuring if 'healing' means forgetting.
The time you passed Mischa's locker in the morning without making sure the photos of him in there were still up wasn't reassuring, it was terrifying.
Getting half-lost on the way to Noel's house because you didn't remember whether to turn on Manitoba or 4th Street wasn't a funny little "oh look I'm gonna be fine" moment, it was horrible.
You weren't relieved when you saw Constance's mom laugh again for the first time since the accident, you were petrified because if everyone else was moving on you were going to have to do it eventually too.
Here you are, back in your bed, curled up with your phone clutched in your hand. Unlike last time, you can't sleep. Sleep was what kept you from breaking then but if you go to sleep now your dreams won't let you hold onto your friends anymore (you've tried many times).
Instead, you call their voicemails just to hear them speak.
"Hey! You've reached the phone of Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg, I'm unavailable at the moment but if you leave a message I'll get back to you." Her perky voice on the other end used to make you giggle but now your breath trembles as you hang up just to call again.
"This is Constance Blackwood's phone. I'm not here right now, sorry, but you can leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can, sorry again." Her voicemail used to bring you a warm smile and now it feels like you could cry at any moment.
"Mischa's phone. I'm gone so I didn't answer. Leave message quickly or fuck off." His words, coarse as they were, felt like a warm hug and now they feel like a gut punch.
"Noel Gruber's phone. I don't even get why you're calling but you can leave a message I guess." You can't feel reassured by it anymore, just sad and empty.
"You've reached the phone of Ricky Potts. He cannot communicate using the phone but please leave a message and he'll text you as soon as he can." That isn't even his voice but you still cling to it just as much as the others.
It's your lifeline to him. Your one remaining connection.
All of this... all of this is all you have left. You can't escape into your dreams. You can't surround yourself with people just as broken by their deaths as you because everyone else is slowly moving on. You can't do anything but listen to their voicemails.
One day, some day soon, even that will be gone.
Mischa's is the first to go. His parents shut it off the day of his funeral. You, his parents, the priest they had perform the funeral with no regard for Mischa's actual religion, just their own, and Penny were the only people there.
You barely held it together during the funeral. You barely managed to avoid starting a fight with his parents. When you got back to your place the only thing you wanted was to hear his voice again for just a moment.
You called his number.
"This number has been disconnected." The next few minutes were a horrible blur of frantically trying to call his number again and failing until finally you threw your phone in frustration.
I'm gone so I didn't answer. No. No no no.
But even then, you knew it was real. And you knew it was just the beginning.
Next was Ocean's. Her parents shut it off a little while later. You begged and pleaded with the empty automated message to let you hear her talk again but nothing.
I'm unavailable at the moment.
Next was Noel's. His mom couldn't afford to keep it up anymore so she took it down. You cursed yourself constantly for not recording them.
I don't even get why you're calling.
Ricky's was taken down too. His family had other things to remember him by, and preferred those.
He cannot communicate using the phone.
Finally, Constance's was all you have left. You call it three, sometimes four times a day just to remind yourself there's something still here.
I'm not here right now, sorry.
You haven't gone near St. Cassian's in a few days. Your attendance has been poor ever since the accident but lately you've just stopped going.
You're holed up in your bed, not eating, sleeping or showering, playing Constance's voicemail and looking through old photos and videos.
You don't laugh or smile, even when the photos and videos do. They don't amuse or comfort you. They just remind you of them.
That's enough. It has to be enough.
The counselor would probably say this is unhealthy and try to point you toward better coping methods.
Coping methods that would mean in a few years, you'd struggle to remember where Noel worked and forget Ocean's last names. You'd stop going to the Blackwood Cafe and forget it ever existed. You'd forget how many cats Ricky's family had and whether he used crutches or was in a wheelchair. Why you always hung out in Mischa's basement, never the more well-heated parts of the house. Little stuff, like that.
Until you wouldn't be able to recall how you knew any of these people.
There's a knock on your door. "It's me," Penny calls. "You haven't come to school this whole week."
"I know," you say.
"May I come in?" She asks.
"Sure," you say. You're sitting upright at least, but covered almost fully like a blanket-ghost. She comes in and looks around.
"Have you eaten?" She asks. "Or at least had water?" You shake your head.
"Not today, no," you say. "Yesterday though. I think."
"You should take care of yourself," Penny says. "You won't do them any good by dying." At least I wouldn't have to live without them. "I've been lonely. Without you coming tobclass I feel like I don't know anyone."
"I'm... sorry," you say. Her bluntness is still kinda making you uncomfortable.
"Why haven't you come to class?" Penny asks. "Why are you in here by yourself?"
"I got lost trying to pass Noel's house the other day," you admit. "Everyone is moving on, and even I'm forgetting things, and... and I'm so scared of forgetting them. Again, I guess, losing them again 'cause I already lost them once and I just... I feel like I'm the only one who remembers. I promised I wouldn't forget them, someone has to hold onto them."
"I remember them too," Penny says. "Without them, I wouldn't be alive." You don't get why she keeps saying stuff like that, she didn't know them that well.
But it's something. It's proof you're not actually alone.
It's proof that the last piece of Constance and Ricky and Noel and Ocean and Mischa won't disappear when their voicemails get disconnected.
Back to it again! Depression and acceptance next to come. They're gonna be the worst because I have whole playlists dedicated to this now.
You're in Mischa's basement. Noel, Ricky and Constance are with you two. You're dealing out cards while Ricky sets his crutches aside and Noel runs upstairs to get some of the lemonade in the kitchen.
"So your parents seriously aren't home?" Constance asks.
"Nah, yo," Mischa says. "Food is in the fridge, they'll be back when they think I'm asleep or gone." That's kind of sad but at least he's got you guys with him. And he seems fine
"That sounds weird," Constance says. "Aren't they worried you'll do something?"
"Please," Mischa said. "They aren't worried. I've been taking care of myself since I was in the Ukraine, I've got this. They know that." I don't think that's why they don't care.
Noel shouts from the top of the stairs and Constance gets up to grab two of the cups he's carrying and bring them down.
You take yours. "Thanks guys," you say.
"No problem," Noel says. "Beats sitting around at home waiting for my manager to call me in."
"If I didn't know you need the money, I'd tell you to quit," you say. "He's a real ass."
"Luckily next year I'll be in Paris!" He says the city's name with a borderline-offensive French accent.
"Send us a postcard," Constance says.
"A postcard? I'll be expecting a baguette," you say. "Raise your expectations, Constance."
You start to play. Within a few minutes, Ricky is dominating you all.
"Okay, how the fuck is this happening, yo?" Mischa asks. "We're all losing and it's like he's not even fucking trying."
Ricky smiles brightly.
Once he's destroyed you all and you've all finished your lemonades, it's growing dark in Mischa's low-ceilinged little room. The slivers of window he does have show the darkness falling over Uranium.
"It's getting late," Constance says. "Ricky and I had better get going." She gets up, helps Ricky to his feet and up the stairs, and waves one last time on her way up.
"See you Constance!" you call after her. "Night Ricky!"
"I've got nowhere to be," you say. "Noel, think your mom'll be cool with you staying over?"
"Just told her I was crashing here," Noel say. "There's no way I'm making it all the way across town back home in this weather."
"Cool, me neither," you say. "So... sleepover?" Mischa looks delighted.
"I'll order pizza," he says. He springs to his feet and crosses the room in three quick bounds. "We'll all stay on floor tonight, I have spare blankets for when it gets real cold since there's no AC down here.We can watch all the Saw movies, I have them in box by TV." You chuckled at his enthusiasm, but your heart sank a little at the details he gave you.
There was food on your bedside table. Soup. Still warm, steaming and smelling savory just a foot away. The harsh, cold light of day was making you want to murder people.
You pick up the bowl and drink all the broth, tilting upwards in a half-sitting position. Then you scoop the barley and gren beans out with your spoon and scrape up the beef.
You lay back down as soon as you're done, tears already prickling your eyes as you curl up in the fetal position and tug the blanket up over your head.
You sit down at a little table near the back and pull out your binder. It's got a page from one of those adult zen coloring books in the front like a cover. Penny gave it to you very recently.
Constance brings over a tray with your order, her usual and the other two's favorite drinks and sets them down.
"We're just going over history today, right?" She asks.
"Yeah," you say. "We have that exam on Thursday, remember?"
"Right," she says. She sets the tray on another table nearby and sits down. She casts a glance around like she's scared to be seen here. In her own cafe.
You take a sip of your drink and sigh happily. "Perfect as always," you say. "Y’know your family recipes are seriously the best."
"Thanks," Constance says.
Ocean comes in, walking a bit faster, presumably to not be alone with Penny for any longer than she has to be.
"Hi!" she chirps. "I've already prepared a study guide covering the material we discussed in the first four units and Penny told me she wrote down the questions and answers of the quizzes in case they came up later which seems a little unethical-"
"We'll take it," you say. "Thanks, Penny, that's a big help." Penny smiles, seeming happy just to be included.
"Thank you too, Ocean, this guide is really thorough," Constance says.
You hand Ocean your notes. "I got a bit carried away with Martin Luther and Henry VIII so not all of that is usable."
"This is a Catholic school though so you hating both those guys a whole lot really works," she says. You laugh and Constance does a little giggle. Penny doesn't seem to get it but she laughs along anyway, just happy to be here.
You forget if Penny was really there. You can't get back to sleep unless you get up and go to the bathroom but you don't want to. If you get up, you risk having to stay up.
You just want to sleep. Or be half-awake at the most.
You reluctantly do it.
There's no light out this time. If you turn on the light you'll never go back to sleep so you just stumble around blindly until you get where you need to go.
When you return to bed, the warmth is already mostly gone and for some reason that makes you cry again.
You're in Ricky's living room, watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake from 2013. Mischa had to beg, and even then no one would agree to the original so he settled for this. Ocean has her face buried in her hands, leaning against your leg from her spot on the floor and shaking like a chihuahua.
It's not even a scary scene. It just played some ominous sound effects a minute ago and Ocean can't deal.
Constance keeps giggling. You're pretty sure it's a nerves thing. You hope.
"Would you stop cackling, you psychopath?" Noel asks. "You're freaking me out and I don't even usually get scared by horror movies." Ricky looks at you like you're a camera in Parks and Rec. There's a collective skeptical glance as everyone remembers when Noel started crying in terror during The Ring.
"Shut up and watch, I can barely hear shit, yo," Mischa grumbles. He unwraps another Snickers and shoves the entire thing into his mouth at once. Impressive, albeit kinda weird.
"This is actually pretty good Mischa, you were right," you say. Ocean nods, moving her hands with her face so she can't see. You laugh.
And Penny's with you. You didn't notice earlier but she is.
She's not in this memory.
Shit.
"You know this is not real, right?" Penny asks. All eyes are suddenly on you.
No. No, let you stay. Why can't you stay?
"Well we'd love to have you but the truth is we're all dead, hon," Noel says. "Except Penny, but she wasn't even here for this. This all happened months ago."
"I know that, but-"
"You're going to wake up again," Mischa says. "What memory are you going to hide in next time?"
"I don't know, but-"
"We're dead. There is nothing you can do about that, yo."
"You're one of the only people left who remember or care who I was," Constance says.
"You have to talk about us," Ocean says. "Who else will? Everyone but you guys kinda hated me."
"Kind of?" Noel asks, and you laugh through your tears.
"We're dead," Ricky signs. "You have to wake up and deal with that eventually."
"I know," you say, and your own voice sounds muffled and hoarse in your ears. Also... quiet? Slurred? Not quite... mumbled, more like. Sleepy.
"So wake up," Constance says. "Go on."
"It's okay," Ricky adds. "You'll see us again eventually."
"We miss you too, y'know," Ocean says. "And Penny's there for you."
"Yeah, believe me, we are not bitter about this," Noel says.
"You haff to wake up eventually," Mischa says.
"I know," you whisper, eyes half-open in the darkness. "Just a few more minutes... please."
I'm doing a five-part rtc fanfic series that you can all feel free to interpret however you want. I've left material in here for you to decide it's shipping the reader with any of the characters.
This installment is anger. Denial and acceptance will probably be next since I already know what I want to write for those.
*
You weren't on the coaster. You chickened out. Something about the sounds of the rickety metal clunking and groaning made you want to stay on the ground.
Well, at least you were right. Your best friends died horribly and tragically but you were fine.
The one survivor of the crash was Penny Lamb. You didn't know her that well, she was new to the school and even you weren't sure if she'd been in the choir. But she was here.
Ever since the coaster crashed, she'd been trying so hard to be your friend. She kept saying how "they'd all mentioned you very favorably." Whatever that meant. You were friendly, trying to keep yourself from doing or saying something awful to the girl who survived the Cyclone wreck, but... come on.
You weren't in the mood for a new friend right after all five of your friends were killed.
Still, she was right there with you, unrelenting in her attempts to befriend you. Before long, you were sitting together at lunch and Penny was enthusiastically telling you how she was working on convincing them to appoint a new director and hold auditions to fill out the choir again- in which you would both already hold spots.
You couldn't help but bristle at that. Who was she to decide when they get replaced? Why did we have to replace them at all? They're irreplaceable, to you. How dare she try to fill the space they left?
The choir should die with its members.
But you said nothing. After all, ostensibly you were still here and alive. That's what everyone you tried to talk to said, was that terrible as this was, at least you survived. At least you were here.
Nevermind that you were alone, too.
Try as you might to paint on a mask of calm indifference, to walk the halls and streets of this town as though you weren't haunted by their memory, Penny knew.
She saw how your eyes lingered on Mischa's locker, the one you and you alone decorated with remembrance and care. She saw how you stared forlornly at Noel's empty seat in English class and how on your way home you always, always stopped by the Blackwood Cafe to donate money to the Blackwoods' memorial fund. You and her were the only two constants at every single funeral. You even fed Ricky's cats.
But you never even mentioned them.
She'd tried every subtle way to get you to talk about them. You needed to talk about what happened, she knew you did.
She'd talked about the crash, hoping you'd share how you felt if she got the ball rolling first. She'd stopped by the Blackwood Cafe with you thinking on the way there or back you'd say something.
She'd mentioned Noel Gruber's Taco Bell funeral and joked that he'd have hated that. All she got was a scoff and a "Yeah, he'd be so mad." She remembered that you didn't know she knew just how mad he'd be and briefly considered telling you. But she didn't because how crazy would that sound? Plus you'd already changed the subject.
And all the while you stayed silent except to redirect the conversation. You weren't that oblivious, toward the end you knew she was trying to get you to talk, but you just couldn't.
It was hard to even think about it let alone speak.
Finally, Penny decided to just ask outright if you'd like to talk about that day. She'd wanted to do that from the start but she remembered the talk she and her social worker had about not being so blunt because it makes some uncomfortable. But now she felt bluntness was the only option, discomfort or no.
While you were walking to the Blackwood Cafe one day, you finally mentioned one of them. Penny said something and you laughed.
"That kinda reminds me of when Constance..." you trailed off. "Nevermind." You sped up.
"You never talk about them," she said, matching your pace.
"No, I don't," you agreed, and there's a reason for that, you privately added.
"Is it because it hurts too much?" She asked. "Because you're too sad? I'm sad too."
"I'm not sad," you said. It was the truth, you weren't. Or maybe you were but it was buried very deep beneath everything else.
"There is no shame in being sad-"
"I told you I'm not sad," you said. "I'm not sad. I'm angry." It was too late to stop yourself. The words were coming and you had waited so long to say them and fuck did it feel good to finally unload.
"I'm fucking pissed, actually. I'm pissed that Noel's funeral was catered by Taco Bell and they played a song he hated, I'm pissed Constance was everyone's best friend up until the day of her funeral and only five of those phony bitches showed up! I'm pissed Ocean's parents didn't even hold a funeral for me to go to, I'm pissed!" You shouted.
"I'm pissed that damn roller coaster wasn't inspected frequently enough for them to know the axel needed changing! I'm pissed Mischa's parents are fucking relieved that he's gone, you know that? They have the audacity to be relieved!"
Oh fuck someone stop me.
"I'm pissed that everyone was suddenly Ricky's best friend during the school memorial service, when none of them gave a damn about him before except when they were being awful to him and I'm pissed they gave his locker to that fucking new kid when there were three other lockers they could've used, and I'm pissed no one who was supposedly our 'dead angels' besties fucking donates to the Blackwoods' memorial fund so that we can at least have something to look at that proves they were fucking there and they fucking mattered!" You were practically screaming by now.
"I'm pissed the fucking Cyclone's still in operation, I'm pissed no one's suing their asses for all they've got, I'm pissed the choir still exists like we can just replace them-" your voice cracked and you fell silent but there's so much more you wanted to condemn. If this was how Mischa always felt then he was actually a remarkably disciplined guy because you were fraying fast.
"Are you upset that I survived and they didn't?" Penny asked.
"No, of course not," you said. "I mean, I'm upset that they didn't survive but I don't want to like... trade you or something." Penny wondered if you'd change your mind if you heard the full story.
"I understand," Penny said. "I'm upset too. They all deserved to live."
"Damn right they did," you said.
"We should go to the cafe," Penny said. "Can you tell me about Constance on the way there? I have to admit I don't know very much about her, except of course that she was nice."
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