i'm the shaky air encircling the flickering flame

writing blog

[rustedreverie]

letter to a friend

hi, it's been a while, just like last time i know there's no real reason i'm just never on your mind and you're not on mine except for when you are which is all the time

on random occasions we reconnect and drift apart just as quickly and sometimes it's nice to talk but deep in my heart it pricks me when we talk about the weather yeah, lots of storms lately, huh? but none of them can compare to the one behind my lungs when all i can think of is how once you were my sun

how there was once a time where i'd sleep with my phone next to me so that when i woke up you'd be there you'd always be there for me

you were always there for me you lifted me up when i felt down it doesn't hurt much anymore but i still wish i had that now

i'm sorry for spending all this time complaining just like i've always done and i'll save you the predictable bout of explaining because i know away again you'll run we can talk and catch up and reminisce and we can talk about the weather and you don't ever have to know that i'm writing you this letter ‘cause i'm not really feeling any better

[rustedreverie]

some things are irreversible.

[unfinished.]

 The man in the leather jacket leans against the railing of the porch. He takes a drag of his cigarette, studying Riley's perturbed expression as the brunet stares off into the woods. His nephew seems to be barely holding it together. He's calm, but every move he makes is tense. This is the first family get-together he's shown up to in years. It's a miracle for everyone, for sure. If nothing else, for Jackson it’s just a relief to see that the kid’s still alive and kicking.

He can tell Riley doesn't want to be here. How can he blame him? He’s been through hell with these people, even if they don’t know it. They may be family to his old uncle, but to Riley they must be reminders. Flashbacks.

Jackson’s brow furrows as things that happened years ago come back to him. It wasn’t fair for his nephew to experience so much isolation and fear at such a young age. All because of Chloe’s delusional self. She never was suited for motherhood.

"It's a wonder you showed up, considerin' what your mama did to you."

-------------

The statement throws Riley off completely. He came outside to steal a quiet moment from the bustling indoors, as well as escape from his relatives for as long as he could. He didn’t have to come all the way down here. He could have pretended not to see his aunt on his way out of the record store. But he just had to get all choked up when he saw one of the only people he used to feel safe around. He just had to approach her.

“You can hitch a ride with me, if you really wanna go,” she had said, ruffling his hair in the parking lot. “‘Prolly don’t want ‘em to be able to spot your car later.” At the time, he thought she was cracking a joke about how he’d basically hid from everyone for so long. Just a dismissive, slightly bitter comment. He brushed it off then, but now it took on a new meaning.

Now, he meets his uncle's gaze in shocked silence. Jack's words are ringing in his ears.

What your mama did to you. You showed up even after what she did to you.

How much did he know? How could he know? When was he there for any of her stalker-like moments or hellish outbursts?

Before he knows it, his mind is swimming. Desperately grasping for every torturous moment he can remember, trying to find any place where his uncle might have been. Holidays were usually spent at relative’s houses, where Mom stayed calm and composed, if not still a little strict. School plays? Mom definitely wasn’t happy when Riley broke off at the end of the spring musical to spend some time with a guy he had a few classes with. Maybe Uncle Jack was there to witness her fury then. Riley can’t remember. The memories are all starting to meld together. He breaks into a sweat. His hands are trembling. Soon, he can only think one thing.

You should have stayed home.

A tentative hand on his shoulder jolts him out of what was almost an anxiety attack, and Riley blinks up at his friend, who came along with him to avoid staying home alone. The blond is quiet but is giving him a slightly concerned look. Riley really doesn’t need him to hear about this kind of stuff. He slowly recollects himself and clears his throat. “It took a lot,” he replies, his voice raspy.

Uncle Jack nods.

[rustedreverie]

hey jealousy

(TW for suicide, drug use, abuse)

The sun gradually dips below the horizon as the brunet makes his evening commute home from work. With one hand gripping the steering wheel, his other hand holds a cigarette to his lips. “Those things will send you to your grave,” an older coworker had told him, when he got in his car with the pack in hand. He had just shrugged.

He exhales, smoke trailing out the window. If smoking is going to kill him, so be it. There are worse ways to go, probably. Hell, he's nearly experienced some of those ways.

Riley turns the radio down and whatever indie music he's been listening to becomes background noise.

He remembers those nights as if they had just passed. He remembers how chaotic those parties were, how violent people got. He remembers the late nights alone, Vick’s wild eyes as she held his shoulders against the wall, screaming at him for losing a customer's goods. He remembers his tired, high, and bruised reflection in the bathroom mirror. And the bedroom mirror. And the living room mirror. Vick had a lot of mirrors. Narcissist.

His vision flicks to the rearview mirror, and he catches a glimpse of the scar on his forehead. He usually isn't bothered by it. He wears his hair back at work, exposing it completely with no issue. But today it wrenches his heart. He can almost feel her presence, hear her shouting, see her pointing to a clock she picked up from her parents’ mantle. He can see her rapidly getting closer and raising it over her head.

A horn blares. Riley now sees the stop sign he almost ran. He also sees the car directly in front of him. He slams on his brakes, screeching to a halt at the last second. The other driver, a neighbor of his, yells some obscenity at him from inside their car and keeps driving. He'll probably hear about that later. He continues on home.

Every bone in his body now feels like jumping out of his skin. His teeth are clamped down on his cigarette, and his clammy hands have the urge to rip the steering wheel right out of the car. Fucking idiot, his thoughts are saying, swirling around in his brain. Should’ve overdosed when you had the chance. Dumbass.

Yet, he soon pulls into his driveway with no problem. He turns the car off, puts the cigarette out, and holds his head in his hands. He lets out a shaky sigh. It shouldn't affect him so much by now. Sure, people around him always talk about their spouses and whatnot, but it shouldn’t make him feel so bitter. Shouldn’t make him think so much about the love he wanted to have. Or about the love that he got.

He sits up, patting the steering wheel in a ‘well, time to go’ sort of manner, and hops out of the car. His jittery hand misses the lock to his front door twice before he finally manages to gain access. Get a grip, he tells himself as he enters his home. After all, jealousy’s a sin.

[rustedreverie]

photograph

 The brunet sat on the floor in his room. In front of him was his open closet, which was a wreck. Clothes hanging halfway on their hangers, boxes, old bags, crumpled papers and other miscellaneous items splayed out in front of him. After probably months of saying he was going to clean his room, Riley had only just now carried through with it.

 He pulled an old drawstring bag closer to him and opened up the top. He couldn't remember how long he'd kept this thing for, and had even less of an idea what was in it. Riley felt around in the bag for a moment, finding mostly paper with scribbled out lyrics and loose hair ties. Damaged earbuds. Deodorant. Some unidentified rock. Then, a small, smooth, cylindrical object. Narrowing his eyes, he pulled his hand out to investigate.

 A tube of lipstick. Riley stared at it for a few seconds in confusion. While he did have some makeup, it wasn't really the type of thing he would have carried around... Unless someone else had stored it there.

 The realization hit him late but hard. Riley sifted through the bag again, trying to find some other sort of evidence. Evidence he didn't even want. Then, he found it. In the mix of torn notes, a Polaroid. He felt his heart drop.

 The picture was of himself, a little younger and a little more scraggly, grinning and leaning against a girl. She had an arm around Riley's shoulders and she coyly smiled at the camera. Riley studied the way she had grabbed a fistful of his hair and felt his scalp itch.

 He remembered this date. They had gone to a house party in her neighborhood, got wasted, and the night had ended in an argument in her room. He had to leave through her window.

 Riley exhaled slowly. He didn't realize he was holding his breath.

 He stood and dropped the photo, before kicking the whole pile of stuff back into the closet and shutting the door. Out of the corner of his eye, he could still see the edge of the photo poking out from the bottom of the door. He knelt down and pushed it under. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He'd clean his closet out another time.

[rustedreverie]

((ART))

[rustedreverie]

“Wow, I love constantly being unable to find things when I need them,” Riley muttered, shuffling around in the kitchen. A pot of water sat bubbling on the stove top, with vegetables and numerous different types of spices on the counter beside it. Just a few potatoes was all he needed. It wouldn’t take much... three, tops. He continued to mumble to himself as he rummaged around in the pantry and occasionally threw away empty boxes that were left in there and forgotten about. “This is what I get for putting off grocery shopping.”

[rustedreverie]

Words to describe someone's voice

adenoidal: if someone’s voice is adenoidal, some of the sound seems to come through their nose

appealing: an appealing look, voice etc shows that you want help, approval, or agreement

breathy: with loud breathing noises

brittle: if you speak in a brittle voice, you sound as if you are about to cry

croaky: if someone’s voice sounds croaky, they speak in a low rough voice that sounds as if they have a sore throat

dead: if someone’s eyes are dead, or if their voice is dead, they feel or show no emotion

disembodied: a disembodied voice comes from someone who you cannot see

flat: spoken in a voice that does not go up and down. This word is often used for describing the speech of people from a particular region.

fruity: a fruity voice or laugh is deep and strong in a pleasant way

grating: a grating voice, laugh, or sound is unpleasant and annoying

gravelly: a gravelly voice sounds low and rough

gruff: a gruff voice has a rough low sound

guttural: a guttural sound is deep and made at the back of your throat

high-pitched: a high-pitched voice or sound is very high

hoarse: someone who is hoarse or has a hoarse voice speaks in a low rough voice, usually because their throat is sore

honeyed: honeyed words or a honeyed voice sound very nice but you cannot trust the person who is speaking

husky: a husky voice is deep and sounds hoarse (=as if you have a sore throat), often in an attractive way

low adjective: a low voice or sound is quiet and difficult to hear

low adverb: in a deep voice, or with a deep sound

matter-of-fact: used about someone’s behaviour or voice

modulated: a modulated voice is controlled and pleasant to listen to

monotonous: a monotonous sound or voice is boring and unpleasant because it does not change in loudness or become higher or lower

nasal: someone with a nasal voice sounds as if they are speaking through their nose

orotund: an orotund voice is loud and clear

penetrating: a penetrating voice or sound is so high or loud that it makes you slightly uncomfortable

plummy: a plummy voice or way of speaking is considered to be typical of an English person of a high social class. This word shows that you dislike people who speak like this.

quietly: in a quiet voice

raucous: a raucous voice or noise is loud and sounds rough

ringing: a ringing sound or voice is very loud and clear

rough: a rough voice is not soft and is unpleasant to listen to

shrill: a shrill noise or voice is very loud, high, and unpleasant

silvery: a silvery voice or sound is clear, light, and pleasant

singsong: if you speak in a singsong voice, your voice rises and falls in a musical way

small: a small voice or sound is quiet

smoky: a smoky voice or smoky eyes are sexually attractive in a slightly mysterious way

softly spoken: someone who is softly spoken has a quiet gentle voice

sotto voce adjective, adverb: in a very quiet voice

stentorian: a stentorian voice sounds very loud and severe

strangled: a strangled sound is one that someone stops before they finish making it

strangulated: strangled

strident: a strident voice or sound is loud and unpleasant

taut: used about something such as a voice or expression that shows someone is nervous or angry

thick: if your voice is thick with an emotion, it sounds less clear than usual because of the emotion

thickly: with a low voice that comes mostly from your throat

thin: a thin voice or sound is high and unpleasant to listen to

throaty: a throaty sound is low and seems to come from deep in your throat

tight: a tight voice or expression shows that you are nervous or annoyed

toneless: a toneless voice does not express any emotion

tremulous: if something such as your voice or smile is tremulous, it is not steady, for example because you are afraid or excited

wheezy: a wheezy noise sounds as if it is made by someone who has difficulty breathing

wobbly: if your voice is wobbly, it goes up and down, usually because you are frightened, not confident, or are going to cry

[startersofroleplay]

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator Sentence Starters

“Betrayed by my own butt yet again.”

“Can you explain memes to me?”

“Contrary to popular belief, penguins are… birds.”

“Did you think I was gonna stab you just now?”

“Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I swear to god if you cry again.”

“Don’t write checks your dick can’t cash.”

“Here’s to bad decisions and relaxed moral values.”

“How’s the…… jeeeeeeeeeesus?”

“I am a happy little cheese monster.”

“I am spinning a web of lies that I fear will one day consume me.”

“I don’t want your stupid fruit leather.”

“I have to get a solid two to three hours of brooding in per day. Filling quotas.”

“It’s called ‘string cheese’ and not ‘chompy cheese’ for a reason.”

“I’ll probably end up standing uncomfortably in the corner with a plate of food and hope that nobody talks to me.”

“I’m so many levels of irony deep I’ve forgotten what humour is.”

“I’m suddenly struck with the overwhelming need to crawl back into bed.”

“Mothman is bullshit.”

“My ultimate sexual fantasy is sleeping in on a Saturday.”

“OH SHIT THAT’S A KNIFE.”

“See you in class… bitch.”

“Sharks are tight.”

“So, you ever kill a man?”

“Stop being so desperate to please your hot friend.”

“That… that is a good butt.”

“The key to being cool is acting like you don’t care about anything but actually care very deeply about everything to the point where it’s debilitating.”

“This ice cream cake is my new boyfriend.”

“This is where I come to masturbate.”

“Wait, I’m a wreck.”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.”

“You can never be too careful. See that baby in that stroller over there? Government operative.”

“Your face… is… good.”

“Your unending thirst will be your ultimate downfall.”

[enchantedthemes]

the fancy font

tumblr is getting fancy guys. just change your text editor on a new text post to html editor and copy this. post and you’ll get

<p class="npf_quirky">fancy font</p>

fancy font

[felinenthusiast]

when you forget about an oc for an extended period of time

[headsharper]

@niucniuc

[sunlighter-deactivated20200717]

[heavymetalweedian]

Out of curiosity, if someone were to take something of yours and lose it, how angry would you be? Hypothetical, of course. Just wondering.

Your ass is grass and I will harvest it with a rusty scythe. Prepare for the storm, buddy. The storm that decimates the pathetic thing you call your body. I’m the storm, and I’m coming. 

[rustedreverie]

[heavymetalweedian]

What…. …. What did you lose? Riley Jehovah’s Witnesses Everlong, if it was one of my jackets I will pee on your socks and freeze them. 

[rustedreverie]

“Hypothetically, it would probably be an old jacket that they uh… borrowed, and forgot to return.” He scratches the tip of his nose, acting casual.

[heavymetalweedian]

Ah yes, this is the rare occasion where seriousness graces Taliesin’s face. It’s a sort of disappointed and frustrated seriousness. “Denim or leather?” 

[rustedreverie]

Riley eyes him and raises an eyebrow slightly. “…Leather.”

[heavymetalweedian]

“I’m going to physically kick your ass,” he states monotonously. The storm is brewing, but the threat is hollow. Taliesin knows well that kicking Riley’s ass would probably obliterate most bones in his body. Nobody can afford hospital bills in this friendship. He stares deep into Riley’s eyes, no homo of course, as a method of intimidation. 

[rustedreverie]

Riley clicks his tongue. “Shame,” he replies, continuing to side-eye Tali. The brunet has no fear of his six foot tall manchild of a friend. “At any rate, it’s probably somewhere in my room. Just thought you should know that I don’t know.

…Don’t give me that look, I taught it to you.”

[heavymetalweedian]

Well, hey, the irritation and tension in Taliesin’s big gay body leaves with a sigh. That’s good. At least his precious leather jacket isn’t truly exiled from the mortal realm. “You better find it. I’m gonna put weed in your toothpaste if you don’t,” his silly threats, though ineffective, continue. The staring stops because he needs to blink a few times. Dry eyes suck, bro. 

[rustedreverie]

Nobody challenges Riley to a staring contest and wins. He smirks, satisfied with his victory. “Hey, the shit’s too expensive to be wasting like that.”

[heavymetalweedian]

Out of curiosity, if someone were to take something of yours and lose it, how angry would you be? Hypothetical, of course. Just wondering.

Your ass is grass and I will harvest it with a rusty scythe. Prepare for the storm, buddy. The storm that decimates the pathetic thing you call your body. I’m the storm, and I’m coming. 

[rustedreverie]

[heavymetalweedian]

What…. …. What did you lose? Riley Jehovah’s Witnesses Everlong, if it was one of my jackets I will pee on your socks and freeze them. 

[rustedreverie]

“Hypothetically, it would probably be an old jacket that they uh… borrowed, and forgot to return.” He scratches the tip of his nose, acting casual.

[heavymetalweedian]

Ah yes, this is the rare occasion where seriousness graces Taliesin’s face. It’s a sort of disappointed and frustrated seriousness. “Denim or leather?” 

[rustedreverie]

Riley eyes him and raises an eyebrow slightly. “…Leather.”

[heavymetalweedian]

“I’m going to physically kick your ass,” he states monotonously. The storm is brewing, but the threat is hollow. Taliesin knows well that kicking Riley’s ass would probably obliterate most bones in his body. Nobody can afford hospital bills in this friendship. He stares deep into Riley’s eyes, no homo of course, as a method of intimidation. 

[rustedreverie]

Riley clicks his tongue. “Shame,” he replies, continuing to side-eye Tali. The brunet has no fear of his six foot tall manchild of a friend. “At any rate, it’s probably somewhere in my room. Just thought you should know that I don’t know.

...Don’t give me that look, I taught it to you.”

[heavymetalweedian]

Out of curiosity, if someone were to take something of yours and lose it, how angry would you be? Hypothetical, of course. Just wondering.

Your ass is grass and I will harvest it with a rusty scythe. Prepare for the storm, buddy. The storm that decimates the pathetic thing you call your body. I’m the storm, and I’m coming. 

[rustedreverie]

[heavymetalweedian]

What…. …. What did you lose? Riley Jehovah’s Witnesses Everlong, if it was one of my jackets I will pee on your socks and freeze them. 

[rustedreverie]

“Hypothetically, it would probably be an old jacket that they uh… borrowed, and forgot to return.” He scratches the tip of his nose, acting casual.

[heavymetalweedian]

Ah yes, this is the rare occasion where seriousness graces Taliesin’s face. It’s a sort of disappointed and frustrated seriousness. “Denim or leather?” 

[rustedreverie]

Riley eyes him and raises an eyebrow slightly. “...Leather.”

[heavymetalweedian]

Out of curiosity, if someone were to take something of yours and lose it, how angry would you be? Hypothetical, of course. Just wondering.

Your ass is grass and I will harvest it with a rusty scythe. Prepare for the storm, buddy. The storm that decimates the pathetic thing you call your body. I’m the storm, and I’m coming. 

[rustedreverie]

[heavymetalweedian]

What…. …. What did you lose? Riley Jehovah’s Witnesses Everlong, if it was one of my jackets I will pee on your socks and freeze them. 

[rustedreverie]

“Hypothetically, it would probably be an old jacket that they uh... borrowed, and forgot to return.” He scratches the tip of his nose, acting casual.

[heavymetalweedian]

Out of curiosity, if someone were to take something of yours and lose it, how angry would you be? Hypothetical, of course. Just wondering.

Your ass is grass and I will harvest it with a rusty scythe. Prepare for the storm, buddy. The storm that decimates the pathetic thing you call your body. I’m the storm, and I’m coming. 

[rustedreverie]

[rustedreverie]

Riley is holding his cat in the air and spinning around the living room whilst singing Judas by Lady Gaga. The cat looks displeased at most. He must be used to this.