Today marked the end of an important chapter of my life, you’re in jail and you can’t hurt me anymore. Not emotionally, not physically, not in any way, Ever again.
While I didn’t tie my healing process to the hopes that you’d somehow recognize or apologize to me, I still felt “slapped in the face” whenever you didn’t today. You wouldn’t even look me in the eye. You nodded your head in disapproval when my lawyer was reading the police report as if you didn’t beat me into a concussion. As if everything that may have been hard for you to hear was a lie. But you know what? That’s okay, because I’m free. I’m free of any and all ties to you. And just like what was said before, I forgave you months ago. At first, that seemed impossible because I thought you didn’t deserve it. But then I realized forgiving you was for ME. Not for you.
I realized I deserved to have forgiven you because I deserve to live my life free of any and all ties to you. I deserve to not have to hold onto any of you. That includes any feelings of hate or spite or anger or disgust you have brought into me. I deserve to not be hateful. I deserve to let go. I deserve freedom.
You, your addiction, your parents, or any of your issues no longer control any part of me, and you no longer have a piece of me. I have let go of that control by forgiving you. Finally, only I control me. And it feels amazing. Forgiving you is proof that I have the power now, and you’re never getting it back. I am thriving now. I’m my first priority, I make time for family and friends, I have time to focus my new career where I now have the opportunity to help people similar to yourself who actually want the help.
But Just because I’m forgiving you doesn’t mean I’m saying what you did was OK. What you did to me—to my mental health, to my life—was heinous and malicious. What I’m saying is that you did all of those things, and now that it’s over, it’s only you who has to live with it. I refuse to live with what you did to me, that child, his family, and everyone else who was unfortunate enough to cross paths with you, That’s your job and your job only now.
I will forgive but I will not forget. And I hope you never forget any of your victims either. The day you forget us is the day you repeat what you did to another innocent human being. And that’s a day I never want to see. Don’t forget what was said when you were standing in that court room. Don’t forget the feeling you had when you felt my coworker put those cuffs on your wrists today. Don’t forget any of it, because we never will.
I hope me forgiving you will show you that even what we think is impossible can happen. Maybe you think it’s impossible for you to change the way you are, but it has become clear to me that we never know our own capabilities until we push our boundaries farther than ever before. So thank you for helping me identify things I needed to change about myself. Thank you for making me snap out of a stagnant lifestyle. thank you for making me realize what love is not. thank you for showing me what types of red flags I need to be weary of. Thank you for being in my life. thank you for being “you” until you weren’t anymore. Thank you for the good and the bad memories, as well as the lessons.
I hope you choose sobriety, to seek help for the untreated mental illnesses, to take responsibilities for your own actions instead of using scapegoats, to put me and this whole chapter behind you and move on, without either of us ever hurting one another again in any way shape or form. I hope you do the same 180 turn around I have done since you’ve been gone. I hope that you choose a life worth living, free of drugs, alcohol, and hauntings of your past traumas. I hope that one day you’ll be alright. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for good this time.
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