salty af

sad boy hours blog (don't mind me)

[saltyfireykitty]

I like visiting my mom's place, but lately whenever i have to deal with my sister i take psychic damage;;

she was like yelling at us for everything & blamed us for drinking all the milk (we did not , i didn't even have any milk) & i ended up having to go and get her the milk anyways

i am hoping she starts her volunteer thing soon bc maybe if she's tired from working she will be too tired to yell at us

bc if she does that over the summer i may end up fighting her;;

[saltyfireykitty]

I HATE MY AUNT!!!!

Why does she keep asking my mom to bail her out with money whenever she runs into trouble, that woman is grown she needs to find herself a job and stop spending outside of her means so she doesn't have to worry about her car getting repossessed.

ALSO STOP TAKING MONEY FROM US THAT YOU WILL NEVER PAY BACK, we are already dealing with our own shitty situation, she is NOT making it any easier by asking my mom for money. Like we need to make sure we are financially OK with everything going on we can't take care of her too.

I get my mom doesn't like leaving people in need hanging but this GROWN ASS WOMAN, needs to learn to fix her life and not keep asking her sister to bail her out. You have arms and legs, USE THEM TO FIX YOUR LIFE.

I want to fight everyone who tries to take advantage of my mom she's going through enough rn like DAMN.

[saltyfireykitty]

I feel very cringe about myself & I just have to accept it at the moment

[saltyfireykitty]

Maybe if I stay in my lane the cringe will stop

[saltyfireykitty]

For some reason I just feel bad about everything...

I'm going to chalk it up to like stress

[saltyfireykitty]

(not a sad post just a thinking post)

It's kind of fucked up how I spent so much time & energy trying not to hurt someone's feelings with everything that I did but as soon as I'm gone they don't care

[saltyfireykitty]

Me removing toxic ppl from my life & like low-key being treated better by strangers I don't know too well got me thinking that maybe I wasn't the problem the entire time 🤔🤔🤔

Like I'm just being myself & my one new school friend is like not tired of me

[saltyfireykitty]

//squats, I'm not a bad person, it's the certain type of people in my life that make me doubt myself bc if I was really a bad person then wouldn't more ppl in my life not want to like hangout with me or do the things I asked of them??

[saltyfireykitty]

I left the reply "I'm sorry for this misunderstanding" like I was suggested & got a reply of "I don't know how to respond to that"

I kind of want to just ignore & not read the rest of the message

But the nice part of me wants to like vague post something like "I think I'm going to take a step back and work on myself" to soften the blow of me just ghosting & not interacting

But also...I dont owe anything esp after I got attacked

🤔

[saltyfireykitty]

Can I cease to exist bc I'm getting a bad stomach ache from anxiety & feeling bad

[saltyfireykitty]

Leaving me on read for 20 hrs

[saltyfireykitty]

Lowkey jealous of ppl who can comm their ship art I gotta draw it by hand like a peasant 😔

[saltyfireykitty]

I would like at least one week where I'm not going through it of comparing myself to other ppl & feeling not adequate enough;;

I want to believe that people like me for me but sometimes it's hard when I don't hear people tell me but I feel so awkward asking if I don't have a deep level of trust bc I feel like if I haven't done enough to make up for what I did then I can't ask bc I haven't earned the right;;

I also feel bad bc with my ADHD my emotions are at like a 10 when I start feeling bad & I feel like that's way too much for person to deal with aside from myself just trying to hold it together

[saltyfireykitty]

//lays face down on the floor

I feel bad that I need constant reassurance to make sure I'm in good standing with other people (especially when we haven't like developed that base level trust where I feel secure)

It doesn't help when the other party doesn't respond back to things I send them, like I understand that if they do have autism it will kind of affect how much social energy they have about stuff like they might not have the energy to like respond back to me but can rb posts to their blog

But the anxiety/ADHD part of my brain can't help but take the silence as like "ah they haven't responded back to me bc they hate me" & I'm trying to not panic post about anything bc I already posted about feeling lonely;;

Like I really don't want to be a bother & like sad post;; but I don't know how to quiet my brain when it's like this;; it makes me feel even worse when I see them rb posts of their friend's content too & I just feel so outside of the group;;;

I feel bad like asking about anything bc they're already struggling with stuff in their life & I don't want to like add onto any stress & I should just be glad they're like willing to barely interact with me & try not to ask for more than that;;;

[saltyfireykitty]

The struggle of like wanting to be like "oh I've noticed you posted about x, I can try to get it for you" bc I'm just naturally good natured to want to help if someone is looking for something but usually I'm turned down & I get it I don't want to overstep or like make someone feel uncomfortable but it's just my way of expressing my love 🥹

[saltyfireykitty]

Before I didn't care about the guy my sister is crushing on but now I full on hate him

If she's going to get aggressive with me for not even directly saying his name then I don't want anything to do with him I don't want any updates or thoughts about him he is persona non grata to me forever now

I hate that my sister can't comprehend that her actions have consequences, you can't just shut me down in an aggressive tone then act like you didn't do anything wrong & expect me to be like ok with you after that

No I'm going to be upset and want to be the farthest away from you for a good amount of time bc I don't process negative emotions well

[saltyfireykitty]

Ok I'm honestly confused and need some outside perspective

I have had people tell me that I should post about how I feel when I'm feeling bad so I don't hold it all in, sounds like a helpful tip

So I try to practice that and when I feel the bad feelings starting to hit me, so I make a little post about how I'm feeling I try not to go into too details if I can help it but I make it in the moment just to get it out

I'm now it's being brought to my attention that when I do that it coming off as guilting and causes other people to feel bad

So now I'm confused, can I honestly post how I feel? I'm legit asking like am I doing something wrong?

Because I normally do not post how I feel for this exact reason. I tend to feel like my own feelings are a burden to other people and that they don't need to deal with what I'm going through so I never say anything so they can focus on themselves.

So do I just never bring up when things bother me to like other people? I'm not sure what the best call is here. I want to pick the right option that will benefit people the most.