Me Gusta Soñar @salvar11-blog - Tumblr Blog

Facepalm

And that's why I should never allow myself to have human contact ever again. As awkward as ever. Foooor life.

A messy collection of realizations

I've always grown up with confidence in myself, my mind, and my body. Now that I look back at my childhood, my parents did all they could to make me feel like I didn't have to fit a specific mold that society formed for me, all the while, still setting me on a strong path to being a successful and mentally strong young adult. It wasn't until recently that I begin viewing myself differently by having a poor body image. I have never struggled with weight or the necessity for make-up (because lets get real, ain't nobody got time for make-up), but in the past few months I've been considering these things a lot more than I should. I attribute it to a lot of new things in my life, like the awful new birth-control I got on which probably has something to do with my minimal weight gain, and the fact that people actually treat you differently when you're all done up, among plenty of other reasons why a 20 year old college girl could start feeling a little self doubt and self conscious about herself.

But it wasn't until the events of this weekend and some harsh words that were spoken to me today that I realized, Why should I worry about the way others view me? Who's to say anyone has the right to make me feel poorly about myself whether they know me or not. And there is absolutely no reason why I should be surrounding myself with people that make me self conscious and feel "crazy" for being my own person.

This weekend can be defined as utter embarrassment. I had one too many shots of tequila, blacked out, and didn't quite act accordingly. (Tequila makes me a sassy ass woman, .....shocking, right?) In the morning I was absolutely mortified. Everything ran through my head hundreds of times and no matter what I did, waves of embarrassment continued to smack me in the face like an ocean wave with serial killer mentality. I couldn't go ten minutes without receiving that awful gut wrenching feeling that just screams "remember how embarrassed you should feel!". I kept asking myself, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WOULD I SAY THOSE THINGS AND ACT THAT WAY. Granted, last week was the worst week I've had in a very long time for uncountable and nearly uncontrollable reasons, so that definitely had a lot to do with it, but I realized, why should I be embarrassed about expressing my feeling towards someone who treated me poorly. There was obviously a reason for it and I shouldn't shame myself because I finally said something about it (even if it was sloppy haha). Those people that I had been surrounding myself with, and putting so much effort into, aren't worth even a second of my time. If anyone could make me feel THAT poorly about myself, then they deserve no space in my life whatsoever.

Plus, everyone deserves at least one free chance to be a hot mess every once in awhile, and in the morning my lipstick was still fully intact so in reality it was a win for me. hahaha

Anyways, that was my first realization that clarified why I have been so down in the dumps lately, and also how I can build myself out of that mindset. But today, today was 100% reinforcement. What happened today made me come to terms with who I am and how to get myself back to being that person.

As I was walking to my next class feeling like a super strong, total haaawwwtie because I just completed a hardcore pilates session; I walked by three guys in suits, loudly preaching their views with a bible in hand. All they needed was a soapbox to prop themselves up on and it would be something right out of a political cartoon. And yes, I mean they were a complete JOKE. It's just unfortunate that they were serious.

Lets get one thing straight, usually I am extremely understanding and respectful about other peoples views, especially when it comes to religion. Not that I am religious any longer, but who am I to tell people what to believe as long as they respect my beliefs as well? Respect is key, correct?

BUT THESE GUYS WERE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

They were just blatantly offending large groups of people in the world because "God said so".

And one thing I can't stand is an argument that someone cannot back up.

So anyways, as I was feeling awesome about myself, I was simultaneously passing by these total douche bags. As I passed by I noticed that one of the guys ranting was speaking directly to me. Once I started paying attention I realized that he was basically telling me that I was wearing inappropriate clothing. Which, by the way, I was wearing a sweater, leggings, and flip flops. oh the horror of visible ankles! Maybe he was just upset that he was being blinded by my paper-white, un-tanned skin. who knows really.

I laughed it off as he continued to tell me to dress more "modestly" and to "stop flaunting my body off", until he turned his body completely towards me and uttered the most offensive statement that has ever been uttered my way. "WHORE!"

WUT.A.PIECE.OF.SHIT. Am I right?

Now obviously I wasn't pleased. And I've never been one to let things like that be brushed off. but at that moment I realized, he literally knows nothing about me. He has absolutely no idea who I am and what I do in my life and even if he did, he has zero right to judge me. Especially judging me claiming its through the word of his God. So I did something out of the ordinary. I brushed it off. Which truthfully, in the moments after I was upset about because I came up with some pretty awesome ways to retaliate, but somehow it just felt better to not say anything because I knew that he had no idea what he was talking about. I felt a kind of peace walking away from the situation, knowing that he was in the wrong, and knowing that anyone's God would have been ashamed of his actions.

It also it helped that everyone else was pretty aware that he was a psychopath.

I must write a disclaimer, though. I wholeheartedly am an advocate for people standing up for themselves. I think it's one of the most important things to do, and I hold a lot of value to it. But there was something different about this situation that opened up my eyes to a lot of things.

It's strange that one very offensive word could do so much harm and pain, but it's also strange that at that moment, I regained all the confidence that I had lost in the past few months. I immediately became a stronger person because of one man's insensitive, rude, and absolutely disrespectful attitude. And it was because I remembered that I have WORTH, and I deserve to be happy, healthy, and confident no matter what other people say, or what kind of cookie-cutter form society is constantly telling me I need to be.

I mean don't get me wrong, I still kinda hate that guy, but I don't find the need to give someone so small, all my time and anger. Because it's obvious that he's not worth it.

1.7.14

It's strange how people can just forget about you even if you've been through everything with them. Life goes on with and more than often without you and there is no stopping it. I can't begin to explain how much that terrifies me, and because of that I feel like I'll be stuck in the same place. Left in the dust. And that terrifies me even more.

sundancearchives

On Monday, January 20, the Sundance Film Festival will dedicate a day of panels, workshops, and special events to exploring a vital aspect of the creative process: Failure. To lead off the #FreeFail festivities, Sundance alumn, entrepreneur, and former professional skateboarder Stacy Peralta recalls some of his most illuminating bouts with failure. Read the article here. Peralta premiered his documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys during the 2001 Sundance Film Festival and won both the Directing and Audience Awards for Documentary. Poster courtesy of Sundance Institute Archives

I dreamt of a fever, One that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart. With heat to melt these frozen tears Burned with reasons as to carry on. Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow But I swear that I would follow anything Just get me out of here. And you get six months to adapt Then you get two more to leave town. And in the event that you do adapt We still might not want you around. But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose But I know that that's impossible now. And so I drink to stay warm And to kill selected memories 'cause I just can't think anymore about that Or about her tonight But I give myself three days to feel better Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff 'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better How can I expect anyone else to give a shit? And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere Just get me past this dead and eternal snow 'cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere Just take me there, just take me there, just take me there And say, and lie to me, and say, and lie to me, and say It's going to be alright

Selfie....Monday.

El Paso, El Paso, I love you, El Paso

I miss listening to the late night sounds of El Paso in the summer. There's just something about them that can't beat any other place. #elpaso

humansofnewyork

She asked if I wanted to hear a poem she’d written when she was younger. (At what age, she couldn’t remember) She then recited it from memory. I had her repeat it several times so I could get all the words right:

Were I to dream, then dream I would of days that have gone by. Your eyes would gleam and so would mine, but joys remembered are no longer mine. I walk in a garden of memory, reliving the joys and the sorrows as well. I walk with a cane down memory lane, perhaps there, joys remembered will remain. Perhaps when my hair has turned to gray and my face is etched with pain, I’ll walk with a cane down memory lane. Perhaps there, joys remembered will remain.

humansofnewyork

"Young children are in direct contact with reality. They experience the world through their senses. But as people grow older, we start thinking too much, and we form an ‘idea of reality.’ We lose contact with reality itself, because reality isn’t an idea… it’s reality. Luckily there’s LSD."

humansofnewyork

"There’s a lot of pressure being the child of immigrants." “Why’s that?” “My mother is Thai, my father is from Chile. They met while working at a restaurant. There’s a knowledge among first generation immigrants— that they aren’t going to be the ones to achieve the American Dream. They have to work hard and struggle so that their children will have a shot at it. So they educate their children and pass the Dream along to them. And now I have an obligation to make more fucking money than them, to live the American Dream, to validate all the risks they took and everything they went through. And that’s a heavy burden.”

salvar11-blog

I really love the HONY blog because it introduces the world to the world. Being the child of an immigrant is a challenge, and realizing that other people feel the same way is reassuring, because they can identify with you. The harder your parents had it, the harder you work to try to prove to them that their life choices were worth it for their children. I hope one day I can buy my dad the most beautiful house and the nicest car, because he only deserves the best.

humansofnewyork

"It was very tough at first. Moving to a new country is like being born all over again. You are just like a baby. You can’t speak, you can’t move around, and you don’t know the culture."

Its so true. Going to other countries alone is so difficult. You are out of your comfort zone and you don't know how to handle it. But in the end its usually the most rewarding feeling. usually.