Listening to Ant communicate his version of events with such clarity & obvious honesty, blew Stephen away, ‘so you’re then not only trying to face & accept what that woman had done to you but now you’ve got Dec’s ex-wife back on the scene, already causing mayhem?? Bloody hell Ant, this is some disclosure you’re trotting out here?!’
'I was coping, just, with what had happened to me but I knew that Dec could never handle that bitch being back in his life, he wasn’t mentally strong enough? While he’d been picking himself up from his first run-in with her she’d had all the time in the world to hatch her next plan from the comfort of a prison cell. The Spanish authorities deported her after a year so, in essence, she became a free woman again & now she was back she wasn’t prepared to let bygones be bygones?? Of course Dec did what he does best - panicked - though I must admit he had every right to panic given what she’d done to him the first time around & I felt threatened too cos she was determined to take me along for the ride this time, just for the hell of it? Our new lives had started with such hope & promise but these two women were intent on ruining it all, it wasn’t fair? If I’d only known where Clare was I’d have confronted her because Dec was quickly going to pieces…’
'What d'we do now Anthony?!’ Dec lost control, 'what d'we do?! What d'we do?!’
'I dunno Declan?!’ Ant yelled backed, he was equally as clueless, 'she’s gonna claim youse did all sorts to her & she’s gonna tell everyone about me & that woman & knowing her, she’ll twist it to make out like I did all the attacking??’
'She’s gonna make us come across as if we’re a pair of serial rapists?! Oh my god Anth, we’re trapped - she’s got us?!’
'Never,’ Ant replied stoically, 'I’ll dance on her bloody grave before that bitch gets the better of me?!’
'But there’s nowt we can do man?! She’s got us by the short & curlies?!’
'Always have an escape plan Declan? And there is one, there has to be??’
'Short of buying her a one-way ticket to the moon I dunno what that can be??’
'Don’t be defeatist??’
'I’m not defeatist - I’m defeated?! I’m fresh out of escape plans Anth?! She’s the last person I expected to see, yers was the last story I expected to hear & her accusations about me were the last thing I ever imagined anyone coming up with!! D'ya see where I’m going wi'this?!’
'Ok, so what exactly did she hear??’ Ant tried to remain the voice of reason & maintain being rational.
'Youse explaining - in graphic detail - how our landlady & youse had sex whilst y'were stoned??! Yer a virile eighteen year old, she’s fifty-something & menopausal - who d'ya think a court is gonna believe?!’
'But I don’t do drugs & I didn’t do anything to entice her?!’
'Y'did enough by the sounds of things?!’
'Only cos she made us?!’
'Huh, says you…!!’
'Oh no, please don’t say y'don’t believe us Deccy?! A few minutes ago y'were absolutely on me side, y'told us to go to the police & everything??’
'Aye, well that’s what Clare does doesn’t she, she screws wi'yer head??’
'She did it to you once…’
'Once?! She did it to us day in, day out, month after month, for nearly a year?! Any idea how it feels to be somebody’s puppet?!’
'No…’
'Well then, think on cos I reckon yer about to? I know what I’m talking about & I know who I’m up against & there is no saving grace when it comes to Clare, she’ll do whatever it takes & she won’t care if she goes down for it again or who she takes wi'her??!’
'Fuck…what are we gonna do Deccy??’ Ant finally conceded, 'she’s won, she’s only gone & won??’
'I cannat prove that I didn’t assault her?’
'She cannat prove that y'did??’
'I married her willingly? I turned up at the church? I said “I do”?’
'Yer marriage was annulled Declan??’
'Me brother is a priest…?? She’ll claim friends in high places pulled strings because I wanted out of the marriage cos of the trouble she caused for me father - she’ll also claim I was hitting her black & blue & doing whatever, whenever to her & that it was a blessing for her when I ended it because it saved her from a life of pure torture?? I know her so bloody well, she’s had the time to think it through from all angles & she’ll have this all sewn up be now??’
'She wouldn’t…??’
'Oh she would??! Have youse already forgotten how much of a bitch she is?! Don’t youse remember the lengths she went to to break us the last time?! I took an overdose Anth, just to get away from her & the destruction she’d caused?!’
'I know sweetheart,’ Ant softened, 'I watched her break youse & reduce youse to that? I should never have left it get to that stage but I did & for that I’ll always be truly ashamed & sorry. If I’d have lost youse I dunno what I would have done, I don’t think I’d have been long after youse if I’m being honest…??’
'You’d have killed yerself…??’
'If it meant I was wi'youse & in a better place then aye, I reckon I would’ve??’
'Oh Anth, I bloody love youse…’
'I love youse too - & we’re together now forever which means I’m gonna look after youse??’
'I don’t need looking after?’
'Yeah, y'do. Anyways, I’m the daddy seeing as mine buggered off when I was a nipper so indulge me ok? I’m very used to sorting things - & she isn’t even a thing but she will be sorted, y'have me word…?’
'I could only think that I’d let him down badly the first time but there was no way I was gonna let him down again?’
'Do you need a hug?’ Stephen suddenly interrupted for some bizarre reason, 'it’s all that I’ve got because I really don’t know what to say??’
'A hug?’ Ant frowned at the strange suggestion, 'what for??’
'Because you’re upset & because Dec isn’t here to do it & because - I don’t know Ant, just because?? It’s what you do when there’s nothing you can say that will help matters??’
'I’m alright, I don’t even know why I came here to be honest, or why I’m telling youse all about this?’
'Again because Dec is unavailable? You need him, you want him & you’re worried about him? I don’t mind Ant, I know I’m a poor substitute - I’m not Dec but if me listening is helping you then my door is always open?’
'Aye, I know, yer a good mate - but I should be getting back to the hospital, there might be some news be now…?’
'If there was they’d ring you - stay & have another coffee, half an hour can’t hurt can it? Anyway, I’m still waiting for you to get to the nitty gritty part about a death - we’ve two contenders so far??’
'Two, aye & both bitches in their own right. Obviously we couldn’t stay at the flat any longer, I couldn’t risk a repeat of Mrs C popping in when Dec wasn’t around. We paid the rent off in full then moved out to a right dump but it was all we could get at short notice. It also meant Clare couldn’t find us but the possibility was always there that she’d enlist Mrs C onto her side & somehow influence her side of the story. Dec rang his Dad & put him in the picture about Clare, not about owt else obviously. He said there’d be no secrets this time so if Clare was going to play dirty everyone would be forewarned & aware of her tactics every step of the way, that way she didn’t have very much leverage, not like she would have if Dec kept schtum & shouldered it all alone again. It seemed to work, for a while anyway, Clare was really quiet & we hoped she’d gotten the message that Dec & his family weren’t playing ball this time around - but then she found us, she followed Dec home from his job so she had us in her sights again. The night she knocked on our door my world & Dec’s nearly ceased to exist again…’
'Come in why don’t youse?’ Dec gestured sarcastically as Clare rudely brushed her way passed him into the flat.
'What a dump?’ she glanced around, 'even pokier than the last place??’
'Still operate on that inane dialect do you? I thought you’d have acquired a more acceptable form of pronunciation by now? Once riff-raff always riff-raff I suppose…?’
'Get out Clare,’ Ant got straight to the point, 'yer not welcome so do one - unless y'want us to call the police, I’m sure y'must miss prison food??’
'Call them, it’ll save me a job, I can start spinning my stories earlier than planned - who would you believe Ant; an angry, screwed up, suicidal lad or a level-headed, sensible young lady like me??’
'I don’t see no lady!’ Dec spat.
'How eloquently phrased!’ Clare hit straight back.
'There’s nowt here for youse so get out!’
'On the contrary, one-time husband of mine, everything I need is in this room, namely you - well your money, I couldn’t stomach you again obviously?’
'I haven’t got any money??’ Dec was surprised by her request, ’d'ya think I’d be living somewhere like this if I did??’
'Ah but your dear old Dad has, I know, I’ve been checking - he’s come a long way in a year hasn’t he, the business is recovering well??’
'It’s taken him this long to get out of the mess that youse left in him?! He’s only just getting back on his feet so you leave me Dad alone?!’
'Best buddies now are we? Strange, I can remember a time, not that long ago, where you hated each others’ guts??’
'Down to youse were that pet?’ Ant interrupted.
'And of course you turning his son gay had absolutely nothing to do with it?’ Clare scowled in Ant’s direction. 'Now unless you’ve something constructive to say please be quiet, I’ll deal with you later but for now I want to deal with tweedle dum ok??’
'Why have y'come back & what do y'hope to gain from this?!’ Dec lost his patience, 'y'took everything from me - y'almost took me life?! There’s nowt else I can gi'you ok so just go & leave us alone?!’
'Lucky for me that you didn’t die in that pathetic suicide attempt - can’t you get anything right?? Anyway, you’re much more use to me alive so in answer to your questions - money, is why I came back? Everything my father left goes to the nursing home who are looking after my mother so he left me with nothing - your father, on the other hand, is well on the road to being a wealthy man again & I want my cut. It’s the least he can do for encouraging me to put up with you - I want my payment?’
'You’ll get nowt off me Dad!’
'I will if he thinks his baby is going to prison for domestic violence & rape - do you know what they do to people like that in prison darling, ouch, not nice…?’
'I’ll fight youse all the way! Anyone will speak up for us & know that I could never be capable of owt like that?!’
'People can change character, that’s the trouble - & no one can ever know what goes on behind closed doors…’
'My word against yers!!’
'Guess who a jury will believe…? Are you prepared to take that risk…??’
'There’s no money?!’
'Your father has assets, it might be tied up in property but all he needs to do is sell some of those properties & give me my money. Oh & I want a regular monthly income, a car & a house, but in London - a new one mind, not one of those derelict buildings he buys & your klutz of a brother does up? Then I’ll maybe consider leaving you alone??’
'Impossible!’
'Then prepare for the pain of prison - both of you?’
'Eh?’
'I think Mrs Campbell is the type of woman who could be persuaded to come out with all sorts of accusations should the price be right…?? The both of you could go down for rape & believe me, in prison, you don’t want to drop the soap in the shower…’
'Leave Anth outta this?!’
'What & let that gifthorse gallop away - I don’t think so darling! Now, seeing as you’re both working & I’m not because of this little thing called a criminal record, I’ll be popping in now & then for a cash injection from you two - we might as well start now, a hundred should do it, I need some shopping & there’s this bag I’ve fancied…?’
'We don’t have any money?!’ Ant raged now, 'and if we did we wouldn’t be gi'ing it to youse?!’
'It’ll get me off your backs until Declan has spoken to Daddy…? Or I could always knock at your old place, see if Mrs Campbell is around…’
'There IS no money!!’ Ant shrieked again but Dec was seriously considering it, 'look Anth, just fifty & just this once to get her outta our flat & our lives for a bit? It’ll buy us some time & I can talk to me Dad?’
'Declan, read me lips - we don’t have any money??’
'What d'ya mean? There’s a bit there, there must be?? We’ve both gotta wage coming in??’
'The thing is,’ Ant bowed his head in shame, 'I get bored when yer at the club every night so I sometimes go out…’
'Where’s the money Anth??’
'I found this casino like…’
'Anthony, please tell us youse haven’t - oh my god, what have youse done?!’
A/D/S fiction. Angst, not fluff. Mature content. Timewise, not intended to be accurate - it’s a story. Harks back to “Steered Straight” fic.
Ant took a deep breath as he pinched his top lip between his thumb & his index finger; he shuffled forward in his seat, looking down at the shiny wood flooring, subconsciously counting the knots.
‘It’s not easy is this?’ he admitted to an increasingly attentive Stephen, ‘I might just skip this bit - though I suppose it is relevant in part, as to why what subsequently happened, happened…?’
'Take your time,’ Stephen tried not to appear too eager to hear more of the past of two of his mates, 'try if it’s important but stop if you need to? So, your landlady? Other than you paying her rent, what part did she end up playing in your lives??’
'It was more my life rather than Dec’s?’ Ant explained, 'I’d organised the flat wi'me Mam’s help by phone, cos of the distance like. I had a brochure sent, it sounded just right & the pictures looked good, it came with everything we needed & even had a small garden which for the price, in London, was fantastic - but I was wary of Mrs C from the minute I met her…’
22 years earlier…
Two young lads lugged all their worldly possessions through King’s Cross station, the journey hadn’t taken that long, just over three hours, but coupled with the excitement of the day they were both flagging.
'How far is this flat like?’ Dec puffed, weighed down with luggage, ’m'knackered?’
'It says “within spitting distance of the station” on the directions? Hang on, I’ll get me A-to-Z out.
Ant couldn’t make head nor tail of this allegedly “lifesaving” book & Dec was his usual self therefore getting more & more impatient. He sat on his cases, his legs dangling, his feet not quite touching the ground, 'let’s just get a taxi man, me legs are killing us like?’
'You’ve sat down for three hours straight?! Anyways we cannat afford a London taxi & they’d see us coming a mile away & take us on a mystery tour of the city when the flat is probably just round the corner??’
'Do cabbies really do that then??’
'Of course they do Declan? Not lived much you eh? It’s the oldest trick in the book & they can spot lost strangers no sweat. It’s how they bump up their money innit? We’ll not be using taxis so start liking having to walk??’
Ant braved asking a chosen few for directions but to find anyone 'local’ in this city of tourists proved fairly impossible, 'nobody speaks English?’ he scratched his head.
'Ever occurred to youse Anth that they might not understand youse like? We’re strangers an’ll man & we cannat be that easy to understand even if we are British??’
'Fine, I’ll tone it down old bean,’ Ant giggled as he tried out his posh accent, 'let’s gi'it - I mean give it - a try?’
Dec chuckled as Ant scanned the people milling past them, 'same chance y'got Anth, just go fr'it?’
Ant approached a sensible looking, middle-aged woman, she didn’t look like a tourist so he tried out his new technique, 'oh excuse us - I mean me - madam. I wonder if youse - er you - could spare a moment to aid meself - myself - & me - my friend with directions?’
The woman stopped, 'hm hm?’
'Slammin’ - I mean, how kind of youse, you…’
'Youse can drop the fake accent pet,’ the woman smiled, 'I’ve just got off the same train as youse lad, I’m from Newcastle an'all so I reckon that means I cannat help youse like?? Youse down for a visit?’
'Nah, we’ve gotta flat here - if we can ever find the bloomin’ thing like…?’
'Oh, a couple of budding high flyers eh? Well good luck to youse both but whatever youse do while yer down here never forget yer Mams’ ok? And lose the foreign language lad? Yer a Geordie, be proud of it & be true to yer roots. Now I’ve been here lots of times before like & by my reckoning there’s a tourist information place just around that corner, they should put youse right? Bye lads & have fun!’
'Right Declan, y'heard the lass, lets go!’
'We found the information place & they pointed us in the right direction & aye, it were a stone’s throw from the station. Our new landlady was waiting for us on our arrival; she had out-of-bottle, brash blonde hair, & she a mega short skirt on, a very low cut animal print top, shiny white high heels & a chunky gold ankle chain - I couldn’t even begin to count the gold rings, bracelets & necklaces & as for the tattoos…well, I suppose y'could say that she was the kind of person y'just couldn’t take yer eyes off but not in a good way…?’
'Well, well, what have we here?’ Mrs Campbell grinned at the two fascinated boys in a way Ant thought a tad menacing.
'I’m Anthony, most folk call us Ant - never Tony mind - & this is Declan, Dec if y'like but I prefer Declan so he’s always Declan to me? Anyways, we spoke on the phone?’
'Indeed we did young Anthony. And you’ve come all the way here from Newcastle on your own - you’d both be how old??’
'Not far off nineteen?’
'Splendid. Such good looking boys - especially you…’ she honed in on Ant, 'what I mean to say is that you’re both extremely easy on the eye; Declan oh you’re like a little cherub, all sweet & innocent but you Anthony, have more of the essence of a man about you? I think we’re going to be one big, happy family… Here are your keys, you have a set each - I have a spare set should you ever lose yours but be warned, I charge twenty pounds per key for a replacement.’
'Twenty quid?? Blimey, that’s a bit steep for one key??’ Ant complained.
'Do you think so?’ Mrs Campbell leaned in a bit closer, 'if it’s too much for you maybe we can come to a more reasonable solution, something of benefit to both parties…??’
'Er,’ Ant faltered, threatened by this uninvited invasion of space, 'I’m sure twenty notes will be fine like…?’
'We understand one another already. I’ll leave you now to settle in. I’ll be around once a week for the rent & to make sure you’re adhering to the terms of our contract by not trashing the place & keeping it clean. Any breakages will have to be paid for - one way or another… understood??’ she leered at Ant.
Seeing Ant feel uncomfortable, Dec gallantly stepped in between the two figures, a move which told their new landlady that these two fresh-faced lads were more than just friends & she needed to back off. She chuckled to herself as she turned to go, 'message received sonny,’ she said to Dec, pinching his cheek between her thumb & forefinger, leaving him feeling like a pointless child, 'have a nice night won’t you - & don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do, which doesn’t leave much… The bedroom is just through that door - if you ever need the mattress warming then I know someone who can do that for you… sweet dreams Anthony…’
'It wasn’t like Dec to step in like that, he’d put up wi'enough shit from different quarters but had suffered in silence yet the first time I felt intimidated he was there like a shot? He was angry mind. I can remember him spinning around, wi'a face like thunder & asking us what the fuck I thought I were playing at?’
'Playing at?? What d'ya mean Deccy??’
'Her? Lady bloody Chatterley??’
'What about her??’
'That was blatant flirting Anth??’
'Don’t be silly baby, she were just being friendly is all??’
'Friendly?! She had youse undressed wi'her eyes in five seconds flat?!’
'Get away wi'you - she’s old enough to be me granny??’
'Y'reckon?? She’s a middle- aged woman Anth, hardly a pensioner & one wi'a sexual appetite that’s for sure?’
'Oh & you’d know about these things would youse??’
'Met me Auntie Betty have youse??’
'Well now y'come to mention it then aye, she is a bit of a girl yer auntie but that doesn’t mean that all women of a certain age are looking to bed younger lads?’
'Hormones Anthony, that’s what me Mam says anyways? Plus the threat of unwanted babies is passed so they make up for lost time & just go for it. There’s a name for them ain’t there? Leopards, no -jaguars - I’ve got it - cougars! That’s it, cougars, & Mrs Campbell is deffo a cougar & one who’s got youse in her sights…’
'Oh shut up & lets get unpacked…’
'She’ll be at home now - sharpening her claws, ready to sink them into yer back…’
'Declan - fuck off!’
'Mrs C has the hots for you…!!’ Dec playfully sang out, 'bolt the doors & sleep wi'a knife under yer pillow….!!!’
'I tried not to think about it any longer but Dec had been right, I just wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of admitting it. She couldn’t hide her attraction to me & from day one it gave me the bloody creeps. I dreaded Friday’s cos she’d 'pop in’ for the rent; she always got too close, she’d always stroke me hair or find some reason to touch us. It wasn’t really inappropriate touching, just a rub of an arm or sommat but I hated it, it wasn’t right? Then I got a job so was home later which meant she had to call later, just before Dec left for his evening stint so I was never left on my own wi'her. I was relieved but it seemed to have spoiled her fun? She called one Friday evening, it was bank holiday weekend & Dec was still lounging about on the sofa. She asked why he wasn’t getting ready for work? He innocently explained that he’d swapped his shift with a mate because the guy wanted to go to his sister’s wedding so Dec was working Sunday this week instead. I’m not really sure to this day what happened on that Sunday but it was all wrong on so many levels & if it hadn’t be for Dec supporting us through it then I think I might’ve ended up topping meself?’
He was ashamed to admit it but Stephen’s heart was now pounding; he attempted to be the model of calm, 'she called in on that Sunday didn’t she…?? When you were on your own??’
'It took us a long time before I could tell Declan, no offence Stephen but I’m not sure I should be telling you??’
'Then don’t, if you don’t feel like you can? Though we have slept together now which you know will always be a secret but it’s fine, it’s your past, your skeleton - I’ll put the kettle on…’
'No Stephen, wait, don’t go, yer right, it’s a long time ago & a lot of water has gone under a lot of bridges in that time so it’s time I faced up to it I suppose??’
Stephen sat back down, right next to his guest & put his arm around his shoulders, 'it might help you feel better if you get it out in the open? Did you feel any different after you’d told Dec??’
'Aye, I’d wished I’d done it sooner to be honest? I let it fester, it could’ve broken us up but we were all the more stronger for it in the end.’
'So then?’
'So then, I eventually told him, weeks later, I told him what happened…’
'But you knew he wasn’t going to remotely like it or possibly even believe you - so why tell him at all??’
'Because he was totally threatening to leave & go back home to Newcastle? I was being really hard to be around so he thought us living together hadn’t worked & we were over. I absolutely stood to lose him if I told him about that day but if I didn’t speak up then I’d definitely lost him anyways? The decision was made for me in the end, d'ya see that cos he did…?
'Don’t think I’m joking Anth? You’ve not been near us in weeks now with no explanation? Yer quiet & yer moody - I’m the moody one remember, me?? If you’ve had enough of us, of this, of this being down here in London then I’ll leave, I’ll pack me stuff & get the first train back home??’
'That is not what I want Declan, that is nowhere near what I want?!’
'Then talk to me?! I cannat put it right if I don’t know what is wrong?! Am I that shit at being a boyfriend?? I thought I were doing ok?? As far as I know I’ve not done owt bad?? You gotta tell us otherwise I’m back to where I started & it will have all been for nowt??’
'No, I promise youse baby you’ve not done owt wrong & I really dunno where to start cos I truly dunno what really happened, or why, Deccy? Well I do, at least I think I do, parts of it anyways, it’s all a bit sketchy but I know I didn’t want it to happen & it’s really upset us - & I mean really, I feel distraught - but I don’t want youse to see us as weak or a failure - I’m accustomed to being yer rock now but sometimes we all need a rock don’t we & I need one now - I’m praying that’s youse…??’
'Try to tell us ok,’ Dec took this unburdening unusually calmly for him which, if he was honest, Ant had been really worried about, 'you’ll never be anything but me rock & once you’ve told us it might make youse feel easier, & if I know what it is we can sort it, whatever it is, just take yer time?’
Ant took a breath, he didn’t know how Dec would react because he didn’t know how to react himself, 'OK…’ he faltered already, 'that night, a while back, when y'were doing that night shift - y'remember, the one that youse swapped as a favour?’
'Aye, I remember, y'were dead to the world when I got in, in fact I was a bit worried but it was hot that day wasn’t it & you’d been busy decorating?’
'Very hot & aye, I was tired which is why, early evening, I decided to relax & cool off in the garden. I swapped me jeans for some shorts but I left me t-shirt on cos I didn’t wanna burn. Anyways, Mrs Campbell arrived, she said she’d called in to see if the air conditioning was working properly only the last tenants had complained. She had a flagon of cold cider wi'her & some plastic cups, she asked if I wanted a glass so I said aye. She poured out two drinks, a small one for herself & a bigger one for me then she raised some kind of toast to new beginnings or sommat & dared us that I couldn’t knock it back in one go, so I did, just to prove how much of a man I was? Fuck, it’s not easy this, I feel like a complete & utter moron??’
'Y'doing great Anth, & if yer a moron then yer my moron ok; so there must be more - what happened next?’
'She poured us another one & she sat & chatted about sommat & nowt until I’d drunk it, I don’t remember her drinking her own though - that was when I started to feel woozy. So woozy in fact that I said I had to go inside because I felt funny, sort of detached & spaced out? I just assumed I’d had too much sun. She said it was a shame because she was enjoying talking & that the cider must’ve gone straight to me head but she offered to come into the flat wi'me just in case I fell down which, at the time, I thought was good of her. It all gets a bit blurred after that like…?’
'Try Anth, it’s important?’
'I knew I had to lie down before I fell down, I don’t know if I laid on the bed or the sofa, I cannat remember? Anyways, I must’ve crashed out but then I woke up, I dunno how long after it was but it couldn’t have been that long…&, well, look, me shorts & me boxers were completely off & she was, she was, touching us Declan, down there like?’
'Oh fuck…right…go on…’
'Are youse sure y'want us to, it’s not gonna be easy for either of us this but youse need to know & I need to try to get things clear in me head??’
'I want youse to tell us, I hid stuff from youse in the past & look where that got us? In hospital, a step away from having me stomach pumped?’
'I wanted to tell her to stop & leave us alone but me mouth wouldn’t work so she just kept on touching & not just wi'her hands either, her - mouth - became involved… I jumped, I tried to yell but nowt would come out. She told us to relax & just imagine that it was youse doing what she was doing to us & not her. She kept asking us what youse did to us & asking how did youse turn us on…?’
'Well I hope y'didn’t tell her?!’
'I couldn’t tell her anything Dec, I felt numb and not just me mouth either, I didn’t want her doing any of that to us but I was powerless to stop her?? I will say though that her talking about youse in such a graphic way meant she did get a little bit of reaction because all I could see was youse.’
'Oh god…ok…what else…??’
'She had like this, I don’t know, elastic thing, like a band or sommat & she put it on us, around the base of me cock. It was super tight it was & must’ve directed the blood, in or out, I don’t know, anyways it made us rock hard & I got an erection ok, I had no control over it?’
'Jesus… Fucking hell Anth…this is unreal…’
'It gets worse… Once I was like that she took off her clothes apart from her shoes & she lowered herself down onto us & slid me into her, then she started rocking back & fore on this fake erection that she’d manufactured. It was horrible, she was really wet, I remember that & I remember thinking that I didn’t want her juice on me body but she was doing it anyway? She tried to stick her tongue in me mouth but, like I said, I was numb & I couldn’t cooperate, not even if I’d wanted to, which I didn’t. She rode up & down on us, taking as long as she wanted & sinking right into us until I was deep & pressing against her spot; she was controlling us, groaning she was, I must’ve hurting her but she liked it, I can still hear it, I could do nowt about any of it. Seeing her breasts bounce in front of me face is an image that’ll stay wi'us forever & for all the wrong reasons, she tried to make us suck them, she hung them on me lips & wanted us to bite them but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to? I swear I don’t like lasses Declan, I never have, & if I’d wanted that, boobs, flanges & y'know, that wet stuff going on, I’d have dated a girl, not fallen in love with a boy, a lovely, gorgeous - gorgeous - boy like youse?’
'Y'should go to the police?’
'And tell them what?’
'Tell them that youse were… y'were…look, y'were raped Anth…?’
'Eh…??’
'Y'were obviously given sommat in that cider & when y'were under y'were sexually assaulted? She knew exactly what she was doing, she’s fancied youse from the minute we got here & that night she knew I was at work so she came here prepared. Yer drink was spiked & she had that cock ring thing wi'her because she figured y'wouldn’t get it up for her so she forced youse to get hard by putting it on youse? Then she had sex wi'you even though y'didnt want to - purely & simply put, that’s rape Anth?
'But I cannat be properly sure of what happened?! How can a man be raped by a woman - it’s impossible?!’
'No it’s not, as yer story proves?’
'I’m just relieved y'believe us? I was starting to doubt me own sanity, I thought I was going mad…’
'O'course I believe youse? After all youse’ve gone through for me & for us, why would I not believe youse?? I love ya man, more than life itself, as you know I hope…?’
Suddenly, if familiarly, a very unpleasant voice sounded out of the doorway, 'aw, how touching - & such a pretty story too. I can’t imagine how mummy dearest will react when she hears that her streetwise, little saviour is as limp-wristed as they come & couldn’t even fend off a fifty-something, menopausal, batty old woman? Maybe she’ll totally understand if she’s a cougar herself…?? It might even turn her on, who can tell eh, ooh, now there’s a thought, mmm…’
'Clare?!’ Dec hollered in pure, abject horror, he jolted back as if he’d been hit by fork lightening, 'but yer in prison, in Spain, y'cannat be here?! How did youse find us?! How did y'get in?!’
'You don’t lock your door do you, not after mummy & daddy took to locking you in? How did I find you? Friend of a friend darling, I do love Facebook & Twitter, all this new social media in fact, it’s amazing what you can find out about someone, especially when they put it all out there? - ooh, it feels good to be calling you darling, it’s been such a long time hasn’t it, very little ole ex-husband of mine? Well done on the annulment by the way, your brother being in the clergy paid off for once, it was a good move, I have to be honest I hadn’t seen that one coming so full marks to you & yours. You went down the predictable overdose road though I hear, a bit of a cop-out that - you should have maybe hung yourself & made a proper job of it, at least I could’ve claimed the life insurance..??’
'You fucking bitch?!’ Dec went to take a swipe but Ant stopped him, 'don’t baby, she’s not worth it?’
'Baby?? Baby?! Hm, that’s right I suppose, you were always a baby, Annie Wannie’s little baby, no backbone, no courage, no bollocks - oh, sorry 'Anthony’, I didn’t mean to mention bollocks - yours alright now love after Mrs Campbell had her wicked way with you? Oh god, I hope you’d shaved & they weren’t hairy? I can’t bear hairiness - which is why I probably settled towards Eddie there, Mr Bald Eagle in the making?’
'Fuck off Clare, y'had yer day & y'failed, y'cannat hurt me with pointless words & more to the point y'cannat hurt Declan anymore. And just so youse know, I think he’s bloody perfect?!’
'Perfect?? O…k…?! If you say so 'Anth’ though I beg to differ? He wouldn’t suck my breasts would you darling though I’ll bet he’s sucked yours? Too spineless & your entire 'I was raped by the landlady’ story will make you a laughing stock as well as a liar & as for you…’ she glowered again towards Dec, 'if you thought what happened before was bad then think again because I’ve not even started yet!’
'There’s nowt more youse can do to us?!’ Dec screeched, disbelieving that this terror was back in his life.
'No?? My solicitor will be in touch…’
'Solicitor?? What d'ya mean solicitor?? We’re totally not connected anymore??’
'That doesn’t alter the fact that you used to hit me, abuse me - a persistent wife-beater you were. Thinking about it, your little ditty has given me an idea - I might actually include rape in my little resume? Do you know what? Yeah, I think I will? The times you hit me & assaulted me, then lied about it, oh my word I’ve lost count? The annulment will be seen as illegal, Daddy will be cross & big bro Dermy will be livid & probably defrocked! Anyway, I think you’re up to speed, my legal team will be in touch - if the police are not first…ciao 'boys’…so nice catching up with you…can’t wait until next time…
A/D/S fiction. Angst plot, told retrospectively in part.
‘Dangerous things, secrets,’ Stephen replied off-handedly, he had enough baggage of his own & adding somebody else’s stash on top of his didn’t sound like much of a plan.
'Tell us about it?’ Ant pressed on anyway; he suddenly looked desperately weighed down by life.
Stephen saw the anxiety, he tried to reassure over whatever this could possibly be but it was never going to work, 'We’ve all got skeletons in the cupboard Ant?’
'Aye, true is that - but there are skeletons & there are skeletons…’
'Look, I don’t mean to sound like I don’t care but under the circumstances maybe whatever it is you want to get off your chest is perhaps better told to somebody else?’
'Y'just said yer discrete & wont blab - & I need to talk to someone impartial about stuff that went down before I go totally doolally??’
'Does Dec know??’
'Oh aye, he were there, he’s the only person on the planet who knows about it all cos he were there at the time like?’
'How do you know you can trust me?’
'I don’t?’
'Ah I don’t know Ant, I’m not sure I want to get involved - it sounds serious…?’
'It is. It’s as serious as it gets…’
'Then talk to your wife…?’
'No. I cannat do that - she’d hate us after, she just wouldn’t understand.’
'She’s your wife Ant? If you can’t confide in her then…’
'I cannat tell her Stephen because she could never get, or accept, the strong feelings two men can hold for each other - you do know cos you’ve been there, you are there & you’ll always be there?’
'So I’m assuming you’re meaning your secret feelings for Dec - & this is something that happened between you a while ago?’
'A lifetime ago Stephen, feels like it anyways & buried mostly - until today…? If Dec should not pull through this then I’ll have nobody left to talk to about it - & it’s only talking about it with him now & again over the years, when it’s all been at the forefront of mine or his mind, that’s kept us both relatively sane?’
'And today you’re thinking back to it all? Maybe that’s because Dec isn’t here & not able to tell you this time that it’s all going to be ok??’
'Aye, in a nutshell, exactly that… Pathetic or what??’
'Ok,’ Stephen conceded, 'fine, as long as you’re absolutely sure Ant? I think we should settle down & get comfy on the lounge sofa - something tells me this is not going to be brief…?’
Ant had to agree so quietly nodded his affirmation; he followed Stephen to his living room, sat down nervously on the edge of an armchair then noisily planted his mug of coffee onto a previously gleaming glass table which now seemed to be splashed with sticky coffee. 'Sorry,’ Ant blushed a little, 'y'gotta cloth, I’ll clean it up?’
Stephen threw some tissues from a perfectly sited box onto the milky mess; the spill soaked up turning the paper an unpleasant, baby-nappy, caramel colour, 'that’ll do, I’ll wipe it up later - you’re more nervous than I’ve ever seen you before, even before a live final? What’s this about Ant? What could be so bad that it’s undeniably reduced you to someone I hardly recognise??’
'I’m not sure now if it’s fair of me to involve youse?’ Ant reconsidered after a quick scan of Stephen’s worried face.
'Involve me in what?? You started this remember & to back-out now seems a bit odd as well as a bit mean but I’ll understand if you’ve changed your mind…?’
Fearing eviction, Ant decided to just go for it, 'there was a death, a long time back, it was accidental like but somebody died - Dec & myself well, we could see no way out so we sort of - look we covered it up…’
'How can you possibly cover up somebody dying??’ Stephen sounded appalled & perplexed all rolled into one & even a little bit scared, 'maybe you’ve already said too much…’
'We’d experienced hell on earth at home Stephen? We thought a move down here, away from all the northern prejudice would be the making of us both - it was eventually but getting to where we finally got wasn’t plain sailing. Just leaving Dec’s estate that day was stressful enough…’
Stephen wasn’t sure he needed to hear more but he sat back, observing Ant’s nervous knotting of fingers, 'you were how old…?’
'Gone eighteen by then, nearer nineteen I suppose but looking back, we were still kids, Dec especially. For someone who’d been through so much, a forced marriage, a suicide attempt an'all, you’d think it would’ve all toughened him up but not Declan, oh no, he remained tightly bound to his Mam’s apron strings until the minute we left to catch the train - & she loved it…’
22 years earlier…
'Oh for Heaven’s sake Annie,’ Alph smiled as his wife snivelled whilst making some breakfast, 'it’s London, not the other side of the world?!’
'It might as well be,’ his wife openly cried, 'we’ll never see him?’
'Of course we’ll see him sweetheart, it’s a few hours by train, he’ll be homesick & up here as often as he can be, you know he’s a home bird love?’
'Such a big adventure though Alphy, I’m not sure he’s up to it? Our Declan’s such a little wallflower?’
'Who blossoms under Anthony’s guidance? It’ll be the making of him Annie & if he doesn’t like it then he knows he can always come back but please don’t let him see you’re upset? He’ll worry & it might spoil the experience?’
'I’ll try not to but he’s my baby Alph, & he always will be?’
'All our children were & still are our babies but you were happy enough to let them go?’
'But he’s the last of my babies, my baby baby, & I shall miss his company, his conversation, his laughter….’
'But not his mess….?!’
'Even that,’ Anne wiped her eyes.
'He’s out of the bathroom, I can hear him drying his ridiculous hair, so blow your nose petal, wipe those eyes & paint on an encouraging smile like only mothers can do? He’s going to love London & who knows, he might even fall in with the right crowd & make it big - & you can’t see it now but in time you are going to love being actually free from all ties for the first time in many years, once you get used to him not being here??’
Anne knew her husband was probably right but losing her youngest was a massive loss yet her loss would be the Capital’s gain, at least she hoped so. Eyes were mopped, a nose was blown & tissues were firmly discarded, 'ready for the off then son?’ Anne asked as a freshly showered & excited if nervous Declan piled into the kitchen to pinch a plateful of toast - the chewing of charred bread was not a pretty sight.
'Aye, I’ll be off in a bit - just think Ma, you’ll not have to do all me washing??’
'No - but who will, that is the question? You’ll not burden Anthony with your domestic requirements I hope??’
'Oh he’ll love it! He’s a mammy in the making is Anth?’
'Declan?!’
'Well, ’s'true innit? He cooks, he cleans, he’s like a domesticated goddess - every home should have one??!’
'Where did I go so wrong with you??’
'Y'didnt Ma? The only mistake y'made wi'us was having six more before us like? I don’t even know what a sink is let alone know how to use one & that’s all thanks to me wonderful brothers & sisters, well, mostly sisters??’
Anne so wanted to go down the misogynist route but she reigned in her temper & thought better of it; this was no straightforward parting & for her son to leave on bad terms just wouldn’t be right.
'Try to help out as much as you can?’ she subtly suggested, 'you don’t want to risk Anthony getting fed up & bogged down by chores? You’ll be sharing a flat therefore you share the housework & shopping??’
'Shopping? Housework? Oh I dunno about that?’
'Do you think the fairies pop in during the night & do it all for you?’ Alph tutted, 'it’s your mother who cooks for you, cleans your room, does all your washing before ironing it & relocating it back to your room for you to dirty again? Your mother will not be in London with you lad so think on - if you require clean clothes you wash them - in advance of when you need them, so a day before - not an hour before you intend to wear them??’
Being one to 'live in the moment’ this worried Dec, 'the day before? How long do these things take to dry then, once you’ve washed them?’
'It depends on the weather pet,’ Anne smiled, 'do you even know how to wash them?’
'Erm, well, sink I suppose - or in the bath? Either stick some washing up liquid over them & rinse it off in the sink or better still, if I wear them in the bath we both get cleaned at the same time?!’
'Talk to him Alphy…’ Anne held her tongue, 'I don’t think I’ve ever heard the like…?’
Alph set about educating his son; how he’d reached eighteen, nearly nineteen, beggared belief & what his father told him all came as a shock, 'I don’t think we’ve got one of those washing machine things? If we do, how does it work again??’
'I’m certain Anthony will educate you further when you get there,’ Alph said innocently but then realised that his son was now sniggering at the unintentional double entendre, 'yes, well, anyway, enough of this chatting, I’m sure common sense will prevail on all fronts…? It’s time you were off?’
'I met him at the station,’ Ant continued, 'he looked about twelve with his shiny, long, floppy hair, baggy clothes & baby face but me heart skipped a beat when I saw him, it still does to this day, even if I’m angry wi'him like I was yesterday. Part of me thought he wouldn’t turn up that morning. I reckoned his Mam would’ve changed his mind for him but fair play, he had the guts to go through wi'the move. When I saw his happy, excited beam galloping towards me I just grabbed him & kissed him, it was a reflex like, his Mam couldn’t hide how she felt about that but she didn’t say owt. She pecked his cheek, his Dad shook his hand & that was the sum of their affection - then we were gone, off to our next big adventure & away to freedom. Or so we thought…’
'So what went wrong?’
'Plenty of things, trivial things to start with like Dec being more inept around the flat than I could ever have bargained for - he could do absolutely nothing like, he couldn’t make a cuppa or wash a dish, I had to start teaching him the basics, it was a bloody nightmare.’
'From what I can see, he’s not that much better at things now, is he??’
'Y'think he’s bad now? Y'shudda seen him twenty two year'ago man?! Being incapable just made his homesickness worse, he really needed his Mam. Then there was the more intimate side to our co-habitation. We’d not done that much when it came to sex, we wanted to wait until Dec was completely better & felt comfortable about gi'ing things a try. It was the main reason we moved away like, to have some privacy to take things to the next level but every time I tried he’d freeze if I got too close to him, so for weeks all we ever did was kiss. He wanted to but he couldn’t, we’d waited all that time to be alone, it was so bloody frustrating!’
'So how did you get past first base because you obviously did, from what you’ve already told me??’
Now on the subject of sex, Stephen seemed much more interested, 'well,’ Ant continued, 'we both had to get jobs?’
'Ri-ght…? And that did the trick how??’
'I started working full-time in Woolworths & Dec got a job in a local bar. It was an eatery-type thing, quite posh really - & it turned out it had quite a twist to the place, a twist which was a great help in the bedroom…?’
'I don’t follow?’ Stephen frowned, 'I’m intrigued now??’
'This respectable, on the face of it, cafe-bar-restaurant was housing a secret? It had an exclusive members-only room upstairs where money talked & if you had enough dosh you got to watch strippers & lapdancers, the lot. Dec had been noticed by the manager, partly because he was always so chirpy to the punters but also because he looked so angelically innocent, therefore appealing to the pervs who frequent this type of place, so one night he was asked to work the upstairs bar instead of the cafe - that first night he worked up there was a gay night; he came home like a different person, in fact I was sleeping when he got in - he woke us up & practically begged to have sex, he was so turned on by all that he’d seen that night. We never looked back after that?’
'But wasn’t it seeing those guys perform who’d turned him on & not you??’
'Only that first time? Once we’d done it that night he suddenly wanted it as much as possible, he totally lost his inhibitions & we’d make love all the time, even when he hadn’t been to work. Obviously the hornier times were when he had been, our best nights followed those gay nights but the girly nights made him excited to come home too, which was good because it meant he’d finally buried the horror of Clare?’
'Well it explains why he’s had girlfriends but who’s Clare & why did she have such an effect on Dec??’
'Clare was who he was pushed into marrying. She was a bully who tried to make him do things that he didn’t want to do; it was her doing why Dec couldn’t touch us for so long, I thought she’d scarred him for life but thanks to that club, he became a changed lad.’
'So all good then?’
'For a while things were really good? With a bit of encouragement, Dec started to take more of an interest in the running of the flat & would genuinely try his best? We were working, we had money coming in & our sex-life was off the Richter scale. We’d settled, the homesickness was a thing of the past & we were finally happy. It all started to unravel toward the end of that summer though, to start with for me, then for Dec, then ultimately for both of us - our first problem, well mine anyways, was this woman called Mrs Campbell - she was our landlady…’
A/D/S fiction. Contains reference to previous fiction. Angst, not fluff.
This probably wasn’t the best of ideas but Ant desperately needed to find confirmation of what Dec did or didn’t know so later that day he found himself knocking on Stephen’s door, ‘I brought yer t-shirt back…’ he muttered when the man of the house had answered, “tis washed & ironed like?’
Ant was the last person Stephen expected to see but he invited him in anyway, mainly because he looked so utterly pulverized.
‘I didn’t want it back, it’s only a t-shirt but thanks anyway? Tea?’
'Coffee would be good, ta - & thanks for being so thoughtful, over the clothing situation like, I were sitting there like sommat out of a horror movie.’
'I didn’t know if you’d want it, it was a spur of the moment type of gesture before Lisa raced off after you but I didn’t think you’d want to stay in that shirt & it was the only thing I could think of at short notice? Anyway, how’s Dec?’
'They’re not saying much, early days I suppose? Got practically booted out by the clan.’
'Oh, that doesn’t seem right, anyway, how are you feeling?’
'Stupid comparison Stephen but I feel like a wet fish has been flung in me face? And a killer whale-sized one at that? I think I asked for this didn’t I??’
'Why? Because of what happened between us you mean? Because we slept together just that one day??’
'Twice Stephen, three times actually if y'count the night y'stopped over but sex happened twice? And now Declan’s suffering & this is my punishment from that God of his that he holds so dear? He’s always said that being brought up as Catholic means they’re taught that if anything good happens then you don’t really deserve it but if anything bad happens then you absolutely do deserve it? I used to laugh at this crazy philosophy that was drummed into him at home & at school but I think now he’s right & they were right an'all cos I so had this coming?’
'Us spending a few hours together has not caused all this Ant, neither has anyone’s religion??’
'I didn’t try hard enough to do the right thing? I knew what I were doing was wrong? I should’ve stopped it, pulled away…’
'I don’t regret one single second of it?’
'There’s been no consequences for youse Stephen?’
'This didn’t happen to Dec because of what we did?? It was some out of control lunatic who wanted to take a pop at someone?? And of course it’s had consequences for me - do you really think I want to see Dec in the state that’s he’s in?? He’s someone I consider to be a close friend? Even I’m not that vindictive??’
'Yeah youse are? Y'flirted enough wi'him at the theatre just for my benefit?’
'For your benefit?? What do you mean? And why would it matter to you if I was?? He’s the closest human to you on this earth which I get in a way - though I’m not sure where that leaves Lisa - but if he wants to flirt & be flirted at why would it bother you?? He was the one who came to me remember & asked if he could stay for a few days, it’s not like I hit on him?’
'So nowt happened between youse two, nowt intimate like??’
'And it’s your business because…??’
'Haven’t youse got it yet Stephen??’
'Got what??’
'Oh come on man?? It’s as plain as the nose on yer face like?? Declan, me - as in, us, oh y'work it out…’
'Jesus - it’s him isn’t it, he’s your bit on the side?!’
'Tactless & inaccurate way of putting it but aye? I would gi'youse ten out of ten for observational skills but as I had to virtually tell youse what was what I doubt I could scrape to a one? So? Say sommat?’
'Er. Well I suppose now that you’ve come out with it then it was kind of obvious, if you knew where to look? Who else knows??’
'Nobody really? There are many people who have, or have had, their assumptions - me wife included - but no, absolutely nobody has conclusive proof or clarification that meself & Declan are, these days, connected in any other capacity than professionally? There were trouble years ago, when we were young like but everyone involved who knew about us assumed we had fizzled out & our relationship had reached its natural end? They chose to accept that we’d had our pubescent bang-out then moved on, especially when I met Lisa?’
'But you hadn’t, moved on??’
'No, not for a minute? Obviously, when things took off stuff had to change & despite what you might think I do love me wife - I just still love Declan as well, I cannat help it & I cannat let him go because it would feel like there was no air getting into me lungs??’
'And you’ve hoodwinked people for how many years??’
'It’s not far off thirty all told?’
'Seriously?!’
'Aye, we met at thirteen & got serious when we were fifteen. It took a couple more years until we, y'know? Dec’s family kept us apart, it’s a long story? Actually Dec was fifteen when we first proppa kissed, I was still fourteen but only by 54 days - he was, is, seven weeks & five days me elder which he’s always delighted in throwning up to us.’
'I hope he always will…?’
'Stephen, he cannat - die?’
'No he can’t - & I pray that he won’t. I know you don’t have an awful amount of faith, I’m not sure that I have now though I used to, like Dec it was drummed into me as a boy, but I think maybe now is the time to give it a try?? What harm can it do??’
'Harm? I did all the harm?? Y'did too but he doesn’t know that so I suppose I’m in this all by meself - I cannat exactly talk to me wife or family about it can I??’
'Lean on them all Ant? Only we know what we did & I’m in no way ever going to speak out about it which I’m guessing is why you’re really here? You’ll need support, support that I can’t give you because as much as I value you as a friend, I have no loving feelings for you… I’m sorry but that’s the stark truth? I’m a Will'o'the'Wisp, a fly-by-night; I can’t sit here & hold your hand or share your pain, even though I understand it more now than ever. I’ll always be around if you need a shoulder but that will be as far as it goes? I’m sorry because right now you really don’t need this…’
'No I don’t - yet again, I do? If I’m strong then he will be strong, yeah?’
'Then stay strong - because the alternative is unthinkable…??’ Stephen was unmistakably tearfully so turned away, 'for what it’s worth, I enjoyed our time together, as brief as it was. I know it was a one off, never-to-be-repeated occurrence but that doesn’t make it any less memorable?’
'Oh we’ll always remember - but who will spill about it first I wonder?’
'Well, I won’t??’
’D'ya think not? D'ya think that vow of yers will still hold true Stephen in, oh I dunno, twenty odd years time??’
'I’d like to think so? If I’m nothing else then I’m discrete & I’m loyal - I might be gobby but I don’t advertise who I’ve slept with & I expect the same in return? You’re not thinking of coming clean to Lisa are you because if you are then that’s me up the swanny…??’
'Think about it logically Stephen - Lisa’d be the last person I’d tell?’
'So she’s totally in the dark about you & Dec??’
'Not totally, no? She knows we were incredibly close when I met her & she knows we had some sort of immature fling, as she sees it, which she believes ended a long time since?’
'Except it hasn’t??’
'No, not at all. She put it down to teenage hormones & mixed-up emotions which were magically extinguished the day I met her? A lot happened before she came on the scene, an awful lot - 'awful’ being the operative word. We fought for each other, us & Dec, & we won, we beat the establishment…?’
'So if you’d come so far, why marry Lisa??’
'Because I did, do, have a tremendous affection for her? She couldn’t be better at being a wife & the cold, hard facts are that one of us had to be seen to be settled? It was never gonna be Dec was it, so it was down to me to chisel this whiter than white scenario?’
'You used Lisa to help carve your careers?!’
'No?? No Stephen?! That is not what I’m saying?!’
'That’s what it sounds like?!’
'We talked about it all, me & Dec, we discussed every twist & turn, every pitfall, every high & every low - & he knew she had this special place in me heart & he told me to go for it & make a better success of it than he had?’
'A better success of what??’
'Marriage…?’
'Dec has been married?!’
'Only very fleetingly & only because he was forced into it. It ended shortly after in total disaster which was the first time I nearly lost him - I cannat lose him again Stephen?’
'All this is news to me Ant, I don’t know what to say?? Dec, married - really??’
'Aye, really. He was still a kid in a way, not eighteen any road & pushed into it from all angles. She was a conniving, money-grabbing bitch who bankrupted his father’s business, blamed it all on Declan & he ended up trying to kill himself.’
'Oh my god, that’s terrible…??’
'Aye it was, it was an awful time, especially for Dec like because he had to be seen as grown-up & in control in the face of his father. It wore him down too much in the end, he couldn’t cope & he had a breakdown. He took an overdose, it was touch & go for a while but it took that to make his family see what a dire mistake they’d made by pushing him into marrying someone he didn’t love. She was arrested for fraud, Dec thankfully recovered & we were finally able to be properly together, though it took his parents a while to accept it. A year or so later, when he’d recovered, we moved down here, to London, which we thought had gold painted roads & was the hub of the world - & it was, until it was obvious that the worst wasn’t behind us - moving away was the tip of the iceberg & wasn’t the clean break & new start we’d been hoping for. It was when a whole load of trouble started for both of us…what are youse really like at keeping secrets Stephen??’
‘So fix him…’ Ant repeated flatly as he tearfully stared at the floor.
'Mr McPartlin, I’m not sure you’ve fully understood the connotations of what I’ve just told you…?’
'Just fix him?!’ Ant’s eyes shone a watery, vibrant red now, 'and don’t tell us youse cannat do that cos if y'cannat, I’ll find someone who can?!’
'Anth please,’ Lisa stroked her husband’s arm, 'they’re doing their best?’
'Aye well, sometimes yer best just isn’t good enough?! They gotta mend him Lise, they have to??!’
'I can assure you that we’re doing everything we can,’ the doctor continued, 'urgent investigation is underway to determine the extent & locality of this pocket of blood. It might be related to the eye trauma so the surgery to repair that then drain it away could be the solution - but our initial concern is that it could manifest itself in another guise before we find the actual site - the reality is that it could result in a stroke…’
'The site??’ Ant refused to accept these words, 'it’s in his head man?!’
'Which has its varying layers & divisions? We know it’s been caused by trauma rather than illness or blood vessels spontaneously rupturing which, in a way, is a source of confidence to us as the site of the bleed will be likely to be on the skull’s surface & not deep in the brain tissue itself meaning via surgery we can access the area more easily.’
'But the blood is coming from somewhere?!’
'Anth, he knows what he’s talking about ok?’ Lisa tried to bolster her husband, 'I know it’s hard but sometimes you just have to put your faith into other people where Declan is concerned? You’re not god, & no, neither are they but they know an awful lot more about this than you do??’
'I know?! I know!! But he’s hated us all day & he’s hated us all week & I cannat Lise, I just - I cannat…’
'I’ll leave you to talk,’ the doctor backed out, he’d said all he knew & what he’d needed to say so was more than glad to get out of there, 'when we know more someone will come in to speak to you.’
Although Lisa was just as upset about Dec’s attack & resulting injuries as her husband was, she’d had enough of whatever else was resonating under the surface, 'here you go, put this on; when you told the doctor that Declan has hated you all week - what did you mean??’
'Not now Lise, ok?’ Ant removed his bloodied shirt & replaced it with a black t-shirt - it smelled familiar, 'where’d y'get this from?’
'It’s Stephen’s, he had it on under his jumper; he took it off & he gave it so that you wouldn’t have to sit here covered in blood. Anyway, why not talk about your obvious row with Declan? He could be dying in there so I think I’ve got every right to know why you banished him from our house & then abandoned him for seven whole days?! If you hated him enough at the time to cast him aside so easily & for so long then I really don’t get what can only be crocodile tears??’
'Crocodile tears?! After all of these years of us being inseparable?! Have a word wi'yerself Lisa!!’
'So tell me?! Tell me before it’s too late & then pray that you get an opportunity to put whatever it is wrong, right?!’
'It had been put right, we’d sorted it - until youse came home & started bloody matchmaking?!’
'It’s my fault you haven’t been talking?? But how?? I wasn’t even home at the time?!’
'Youse trying to organise his love life, that’s how?!’ Ant chastised his wife, unbelieving that he was actually wearing an item of Stephen’s clothing.
Lisa didn’t get where her husband was coming from or, indeed, where he was going with his accusations, 'organizing his love life??’ she frowned, 'the only thing I thought might be an idea was if he spent more time with… Oh, I get it, if he’d be hanging around with Stephen then he wouldn’t be sharing his free-time with you & you’d have no option than to spend more time with me?! You bollocked Declan for staying a few days at Stephen’s, didn’t you?!’
'He was jealous alright?! Pissed off because Stephen stopped over at ours the night of the party & that he didn’t?! He played balls about it then when we’d proper argued he went AWOL & went to stay wi'the very person we’d fallen out about - & then youse were hell bent on setting them up wi'the hopes it would result in a relationship?! He shouldn’t have stayed wi'him & I saw red ok?! I did someone a good turn & Declan couldn’t handle it so for spite he did that to us??’ Ant shamelessly more than stretched the truth, shielding his own back in the process, 'I cannat have him hooking up wi'Stephen, not after the trouble it’s caused between us & Dec??’
'I don’t understand why giving someone a room for the night could cause such upset & I really don’t understand why Declan couldn’t have stayed over as well, god knows we’ve got enough rooms??’
'He wanted to have a late lads’s night, playing cards an'tha & blasting out music; Stephen being almost comatose & possibly choking on his own vomit ruined what he had in his head so Dec went apeshit ok, he went home in a right rip??’ Pinocchio kept the lies coming.
'No, wait a minute - Declan was around when I got back, you said he was ill but I know that he wasn’t because I went to see him & he was fine? He even admitted you’d had a falling out though he didn’t say over what? But he came to see you, to see if you were ok because you were glued to your bed & he was shocked at you threatening to quit the auditions? You sent him away - but why?? What happened in between him calming down over the party, wanting - needing - to see you, then you throwing him out of our house??’
Lisa was piecing this together far too quickly & Ant didn’t know what to say.
“I had a guilty conscience because I was caught sleeping in the same bed as Stephen that night” didn’t sound like the stuff that your wife would want to hear even if that part was innocent enough, neither did “I went to shut motormouth Stephen up but ended up having sex with him - twice - which I now can’t live with so I lashed out & hibernated in bed for a week before blaming the one person I hold most dear to my heart & telling him to go away & stay out of my life?”
'Nowt else happened,’ Ant was intent on remaining blame-free, 'Declan couldn’t forget it is all, his night had been spoiled & y'know how he holds onto his temper so we had another row & I said I didn’t care if I ever clapped eyes on Stephen again because he’d caused all of this trouble & he was the reason that I didn’t wanna do the auditions? Declan thought I was being irrational therefore I told him to go?’
'So Declan went to stay at Stephen’s?? Why?? Do you really expect me to believe that?? You’ve just said he was more than pissed off with him for ruining his & yours plans so why would he want to stay with the guy?!’
'I don’t know Lisa ok?! Malice probably?!He’s hardly spoken a word to us all day unless it’s been sarcasm so I cannat know his reasoning??’
'Hm. I think you do know, I think you know more than you’re letting on??’
'We rowed. He left. He stayed at Stephen’s. He arrived today wi'Stephen. Whether they 'hit it off’ like y'wanted them to I’ve no clue about? We’ve not talked, interacted or been in anyway mates all day ok?? Then this happens?? So now y'know as much as I do??’
'I seriously doubt that hubs?’ Lisa scrutinised her husband’s face, 'Doolittle had come around from your tiff, from what you’ve just said - it’s something you did, or maybe didn’t do, that sent him away…?’
Lisa couldn’t know how it had all but killed Dec after he’d found her husband, his lover, firmly attached to their co-host & pal that morning & only Ant & Stephen knew what had really happened that night & subsequently; Ant’s guilt had seen to the rest.
None of this squabbling was helping to mend the physical breaks which Dec had sustained & Lisa’s deliberations were cut short when a consultant entered the room.
'Just bringing you up to speed,’ he began, 'Declan is in surgery now, with a view to pinning & stabilising the various fractures.’
'And to stop the bleeding inside his head??’ Ant prompted.
'Hopefully that can be addressed at the same time…?’
'Hopefully?! Don’t y'know?!’
'A very complex organ, the brain?’ this man continued, 'the neurosurgeon has located the bleed, it’s between the skull & the outer layer of tissue which covers the organ itself. The technical term for this sort of trauma is an epidural hematoma which I realise sounds dramatic but is more solvable than if the middle layers of tissues had been damaged.’
'So it can be sorted?’ Ant welled up again.
'In order to get to the source of the bleeding so that it can be stemmed they will be…they will, they are, having to drill a hole into the skull…’
'Lise…I think I’m gonna be sick…?’
A cardboard bowl was thrust under Ant, he nursed it like a baby & although he was deathly pale he didn’t actually use it for its intended purpose, 'this is life or death stuff right?’ his anguished eyes implored the doctor to reverse all that was happening.
'There was a brief, lucid interval in the A&E department when Declan woke up but it didn’t last & he quickly lost consciousness again. This procedure to rectify his condition carries the risk of paralysis or speech impairment so to aid recovery he’ll be kept in an induced coma until such time that the swelling has reduced enough inside his head to allow us to wake him up again - I should warn you that we are probably talking weeks rather than days?’
'All this in the name of entertainment?’ Ant lost what composure he’d had & openly cried.
'He could’ve been attacked on the street hubs?’ Lisa also began losing it, 'the result would’ve been the same?’
'But he wasn’t Lise?? If he’d been talking to us, been standing close to us like he usually does, I could maybe have protected him & fended that vicious bastard off??’
'You’ve protected him since the day you first met him baby??’
'Exactly - & the one time he wouldn’t let us anywhere near & this goes & happens?? This is all my fault, if I’d only put Stephen in a taxi that night like Dec wanted us to do then maybe none of this would be happening?’
'Fate can deal some cruel blows Mr McPartlin,’ the doctor consoled, 'I doubt anything you could have done would have stopped what that man was intent on doing & you might just have been hurt yourself?’
'I’d swap places wi'Dec in a heartbeat?’
There was no satisfactory response to that statement so the doctor politely shuffled away; Lisa couldn’t quite get the “Stephen-going-home-in-a-taxi” connection but it obviously made sense to her husband & probably to Dec, if she could only figure out why?
'Can we backtrack a little?’ she re-commenced the quizzing, 'party - Stephen - no taxi, yet Declan goes home in a rip, only a few doors away - you spend the next week lying about his fake illness & you basically blanked each other today?? I’m confused hubs?? Why would Decs get so cut up about someone - Stephen - staying over? Why didn’t he stay over himself? Why didn’t you speak to him for a week?? And why did Doolittle stay with the one person he - & you - were apparently so angry with??’
'Got anymore questions have youse pet only I cannat answer the ones you’ve already launched at us?! Declan is all I care about - right now they’re drilling a hole into his head in order to save his life which is highly likely, for all I know, to leave him brain damaged & I now have to go tell his Mam about that?? I really couldn’t give a shit about the why’s & the wherefores of why he & Stephen did whatever they did, or did not, do?!’
'It would kill you, wouldn’t it?’ Lisa read this expression & not for the first time, 'You just can’t picture Declan happy with somebody other than you??’
'Oh shut up Lise, Y'dont know what yer talking about!!’
'No? He’s your friend, your best friend. He’s your partner, sidekick & professional other half without whom you’d probably have amounted to nothing, just as he would have done?’
'Which is why he cannat die?!’
'Which is why you’ve always been more married to him than you are to me?? If I died tomorrow you’d still have everything - if Declan dies then you’ve lost it all?? You’re the yin to his yang, you’ve interacted to such an extent that you’ve formed this system which is far stronger together than if you were separate beings - in your eyes, Stephen being on the scene has obviously threatened that connection, you just couldn’t accept the possibility could you so, when confronted, Dec called your bluff, he rebelled against your plan to keep him under your thumb & you really can’t hack it can you??’
In some ways Lisa had hit the nail on the head but she was totally off the mark when it came to knowing what Ant’s real problem was; he’d felt immense guilt about cheating on her for all of these years with Declan but reconciled himself that she had a fun, happy & fulfilled life because of his own success. It was true she’d one-time harboured suspicions about his & Dec’s true connection but he’d smoothed that over time & again which had eventually & completely pacified her - what she couldn’t possibly know was that her husband & Stephen had briefly bonded that day & had slept together also, a fact that would surely kill not only her but Dec too, should it ever come to light. Ant could proffer no further explanation so went off to phone Anne & grab the chance for a fag.
Of course, in a short space of time, relatively speaking, family arrived in their hoards; after filling them in on the basics of what had happened, Ant was subtly - or maybe not so subtly - edged out & with Dec still in recovery many hours later, there seemed little point in hanging around so he & Lisa decided to leave with a view to getting some sleep, freshening up, then coming back later when they’d learn the best - or maybe the worst…
Lisa slept as soon as her head hit the pillow - Ant lay awake wondering how the only mistake he’d made in Dec’s eyes could have led to all this?
All Dec knew was what he’d seen with his own eyes - two unconnected guys waking up together; ok, they’d been huddled together but up until that point nothing had happened - Dec’s imagination had seen to the rest & it had clearly affected him deeply, such was the affection he held for his partner. Ant could only be thankful that, at the time of his attack, Dec didn’t know the full extent of his subsequent cheating…not unless Stephen had told him that is…?
Ant carefully considered all of the scenarios which Dec may have conjured up in his head along with those which Stephen might have implanted or insinuated; after all Dec had stayed with him solely for several days. It couldn’t be argued that Stephen was a loose cannon with an even looser tongue. He had nothing to lose by being loose-lipped - other than a passing friendship - to fill Dec in on the, what seemed like now, gory details…could this be the very reason Dec had so defiantly ignored him, kept his distance & had even gone to the trouble to wind Ant up all of that day?
Ant was furious for the rest of that day &, come to think of it, the day after that but at least his fury motivated him & spurred him up & out of bed.
Thursday couldn’t come fast enough because he had various words to say to various people, the main contender for a tongue-lashing being Declan.
It was nigh on impossible to maintain any calm or decorum when he arrived at the Dominion that morning only to find Dec & Stephen already there & on what Ant considered to be the ‘wrong’ side of the stage, both engaging in friendly & what, he considered, to look like flirty banter.
‘They’re just talking hubs?’ Lisa noted her husband’s increasingly deadly scowl.
'Aye, now they are but what else have they been doing the entire time that Declan has been absent??’
'You sound like you’re his headmaster?! He has a life outside of you & if he thinks he might have found one with Stephen, even if it’s just as friends, then I’m all for it?’
'Well I’m not, ok?!’
'Tell me something I don’t know?! Anyway, I’ve got work to do even if you haven’t, I’ll see you later - please disperse some of that steam & try to have a good show.’
How Ant was meant to 'have a good show’ when his clandestine other half looked to be blatantly trying to make a move on another man in order to rile him he didn’t know but right now Ant wanted to march across that stage & punch both of their lights out because Stephen seemed to be getting off on it just as much as Dec was; the only difference was their reasons for doing so & since one didn’t really know about the other & the connection they shared to him, Ant was forced to witness this two-pronged attack, knowing that he was in no real position to say anything to either of them.
'I think we’re being watched,’ Stephen tried not to make too obvious glances, 'and if looks could kill we’d be six feet under in no time?’
'Let him look. I might even take a selfie of us & text it to him.’ Dec took pleasure in jibing.
'Oof, cutting!’
'No more cutting than him throwing me out of his house?’
'You never did say why Dec?’
'I told youse, sommat he did that narked us & when I asked for more than his basic explanation he told us to do one.’
'So no details as such then…?’ Stephen fished for the umpteenth time that week.
'Nah, he didn’t wanna talk so his guilty conscience threw me out instead.’
'Guilt over what though?’ Stephen 'innocently’ wondered, he just couldn’t get to the root of how much Dec actually knew but he supposed that he couldn’t know all that much in the scheme of things because he’d have been the last person to be turned to if Dec had any inkling that he & Ant had had sex together.
'So are you coming back with me later tonight?’ Stephen asked, figuring his misdemeanours were safely buried.
'I’d better go home,’ Dec answered miserably, 'I’m grateful for youse taking us in like but I think I’ve intruded on yer life enough? I’ll nip in to pick up me stuff & get me car of course but then I’ll leave youse to it.’
Stephen actioned an arm rub followed by a gentle but firm shoulder squeeze, 'well you know where I am ok, you’ll always be welcome especially if things should get that bad again?’
'I know, & thanks, I might take youse up on it judging by the look on his face,’ Dec deliberately made glaring eye contact with Ant who was already enraged not just by the physical contact between these two people but their apparent & rather pronto, adhesion to each other.
With time pressing, Dec finished off the conversation with a man hug which resulted in the swapping of a few confidently firm, nicely placed back-pats from both men, he then left Stephen & walked around to the wings, taking up his usual, stage right, position, alongside Ant, who’s temper by now was boiling.
'What d'ya think yer doing??’ Ant stood angrily, hands on hips, tapping his foot.
'Well I dunno about youse but I’m here to work so I guess that’s why I’m standing in this spot - why, what are youse doing??’
'Stop this now ok??!’
'Stop what??’
'So the entire day is gonna be like this is it?! We’re employed to comedically bounce off one another, we’re meant to have chemistry?!’
'Chemistry?? Yer confusing that wi'history…? Our history, as was &, thanks to youse, is no more…
'Declan?! How long are y'gonna hang onto the visions of that morning?!’
'Yer the one who woke up in the arms of another man, went on a guilt-trip over it, lied through yer teeth then threw me outta yer house - so y'do the math?! No more chemistry, our history is just that - history - & the maths, or lies, just keep stacking up?’
'How d'ya mean, what has Stephen told youse & anyways, why would y'go there of all places after y'were so apparently horrified after finding us sharing a duvet??’
'All I know is what I saw & what y'told me - which has snowballed since by the way as y'keep adding to yer story - but, after a lot of thought, I’d accepted yer version & moved on. Stephen has said nowt, mainly because I don’t think he remembers that much about it? I dunno what happened in between us patching things up to youse going off on one but I needed a mate, not me Mam, & Stephen’s a proppa mate & was there for me ok? Where were you Anth eh?’
The guilt Ant felt was incalculable. He’d been so wreckless, so irresponsible, in the face of this man whom he loved & who loved him back. All he’d achieved was sending him running into the arms of the person he’d cheated on him with & he now had to live with what seemed like a very real possibility of them actually hitting it off & even hitching up together - what had he done??
'But Y'dont “like” Stephen…?’
'O'course I like him? We’ve had a good laugh all week while youse were hiding away in yer bed.’
'Like how??’
'Been to the pub a few times, got a bit drunk, played stupid games - y'tend to do stupid things when you’ve been on the piss, don’t ya Anth??’
Feeling he now had the upper hand, Dec strolled away, 'I’m gonna get some water.’
'Get us a coffee??’ Ant almost pleaded.
'Get yer own. I’ve only got two hands & I promised I’d get Stephen a soda. With ice. And a slice of lime, not lemon - which is just how he likes it…’
Dec disappeared upstairs to the hospitality suite leaving Ant alone, companionless & deserted. He had no one to blame for this exclusion but himself, though after what had happened between them, Ant was more than bothered by why Stephen had taken Dec in.
In Dec’s abscence, he saw his opportunity to confront the man himself & took a short-cut, across the stage, which brought unacknowledged applause from the still settling audience.
'Oh dear,’ Alesha cackled having only just been seated.
'Time of the month,’ David answered all 'laydee’ like, 'it looks like Ant & Dec might have had a little domestic…’
'It’s Stephen he’s aiming for?’ Alesha watched the 'flight path.’
'Ooh, even better!’ David mocked, 'maybe a ménage a trois is afoot!!’
Ant made a beeline for an unawares Stephen, 'y'shudda sent him straight back home?!’
'Dec you mean? He was upset??’ Stephen stepped back, looking a bit rattled by Ant’s attitude.
'Well yes Dec?! He’s Declan? Getting upset is what he does best & youse had no right to take him under yer wing, not after what had happened between us??’
'But he doesn’t know about it does he? I haven’t told him, I wouldn’t dare, he’s like a Rottweiler when he’s got something bothering him?’
'How could y'spend all that time wi'him, in yer house, going out wining, dining & partying, knowing all along what we’d done together??’
'Er, because it was a one-off occurrence which meant nothing to either of us & which no one will ever know about? If it’s Lisa you’re worried about…?’
'Obviously?! She’s my wife?! This ring isn’t just for decoration y'know?! But it’s Declan, I’m worried about him too?!’
'Ok. Why? I can understand your concerns about your wife finding out but Dec? I get that he probably would be a bit shocked & not that happy about you being with a guy…??’
'A bit shocked?! Jesus Christ Stephen, were y'born on the moon or sommat?! I’ve known him longer than I’ve known Lisa?! Can youse imagine the impact him knowing what we did would have on our lives?! There wouldn’t be another thirty years of us being together, not that we’re quite there yet?!’
'Doesn’t he know that you’re bi then??’
'Stephen?!’
'Look Ant, if I’d wanted to tell him I’d have told him by now - I’ve had all week to do so & ample opportunities? You slept with me, I slept with you; we did it, we enjoyed it, now forget about it. I’m a free spirit, I don’t dwell on who might or might not be in my life, I seize the chances as & when they come my way? Forget about it, make your peace with not just Dec but yourself & move on? I know I have.’
'Did y'seize yer time alone wi'Declan??’
'If I did I can’t see how it would be any of your business?’
'Of course it’s my business?! I’m his partner?!’
'In what capacity?? You didn’t tell him about us having sex so I can’t see the difference?? In fact, he’s single & can do as & what he wants whereas you…??’
'Did youse & Declan share a bed?!’
'Ask him?!’
'I’m asking youse Stephen?!’
'Yer asking Stephen what??’ Dec stood with angry crossed arms.
'Nowt!’ Ant snapped back, 'forget it, I’ll talk to youse later,’ he poked Dec in his shoulder then walked off & away.
Dec made a deep inhalation before releasing it out through his mouth, 'he wanted to know if we’d slept together didn’t he?’
'It’s the age-old question that everyone only ever wants to know?’ Stephen shrugged, 'it can make you or break you?’
'What did y'tell him??’
'I told him to ask you Dec, that’s what I told him? I can’t see why anyone’s sex life is any business of anyone else & it’s not my place to confirm or deny what Ant might be - or is definitely - suspecting?’
'Ok,’ Dec smirked, 'I’ll let him stew then, but be warned because I’m expert at this & it might go on for days, weeks even.’
'Do what you need to do Dec - but please keep Ant off my case, my life is hectic & I don’t need it?’
'Oh I’ll wind him, drop a few clues. He’ll love it, he does so enjoy a puzzle? He’ll not bother youse Stephen, it’s the least I can do for youse putting us up & gi'ing us a break from it all?’
Dec unenthusiastically walked back to his place in the wings, this annual tedium was just about to start yet again & with Ant wearing a face like a thunderstorm it was clear that any banter between them would be thin on the ground.
Out of the first seven acts who auditioned, only one bullied-at-school, child soprano had gone through - & everyone from the audience to the judges to the presenters were getting more & more hacked off. As were the waiting hoards out in the holding room who’s wait was accentuated by an extended lunch - someone, in particular, was extremely hacked off…
Hindsight was that curious, infuriating thing & Ant knew within seconds that he shouldn’t have done it but it was done now & scooping Dec up into his arms had seemed logical, normal & second nature & no bollocking off any still wet behind the ears young medic now present could have stopped that.
The shouting & yelling then the sound of equipment, of apparatus, of the mangling of chairs, had been heard by everyone that day in that building; judges, crew, co-hosts had been duly alerted & in the worst possible way but they were now acknowledging that some sort of backstage fiasco was unfolding even if they were initially slow to recognise it.
Alan was up, Roycie was up & even Stephen was extremely light on his feet whizzing from one side of the stage to the another, around the rear of the great British landmarks backdrop & even more so once the girls’ screams had been sounded.
'What the hell is happening now??’ Simon shot up.
'Whatever it is it’s not sounding good,’ David’s large frame also thrust itself upwards then the two bolted up the few insignificant stage steps & into the wings while security safely escorted the ladies away.
A medic had arrived just before the onslaught of colleagues, this saw Ant get his ticking off, 'you shouldn’t have picked him up? Do you not know that you never move anyone who has suffered a head injury?’
'It seemed the natural thing to do?’ Ant cradled Dec in his arms, answering in his shock, 'he’d want us to?
'Not if he’s got a broken neck he wouldn’t?!’
Stephen gallantly shooed the upset backstage girls, including Lisa & Ali, away, 'what the hell happened?’ he tried not to retch as blood from Dec’s face soaked into the cotton fibres of Ant’s shirt, 'I doubt that’ll come out?’
'I don’t care about the damn shirt?’ Ant glared at Stephen; it had been a particularly stupid remark but Stephen was also in full shock mode.
'Er, no. No I know you don’t - who would…? Erm, sorry…’
'What the fuck has gone on here??’ David interrupted the potential handbags at dawn confrontation, 'oh my god - Dec…??’
'That idiot that you just dissed in front of an audience of three thousand people took exception to being made a fool out of & required somebody to blame for it? That someone became Dec; he whacked him in the face with that chair,’ Ant nodded over to the upturned, blood-spattered, piece of furniture, 'he’s crashed through sound, lighting, cameras - you name it & Dec has ploughed through it?’
'Well you don’t have the luxury of any security?’ David tried to exonerate his fellow judges.
'That’s not the point?!’ Ant exploded, 'why can youse lot never think before y'lash out at folk?! It’s us who gets it in the neck when they come off stage angry but at least you’ve got yer bit in the can for the telly?!’
The statement couldn’t have been much truer which Simon knew so looked embarrassed, 'he will be alright though?’ he looked worriedly back at Ant, himself also trying to look passed the blood.
'If someone knocked youse unconscious by hitting youse full in the face wi'a plastic & metal chair d'ya think you’d be alright Simon?!’
'Can we just concentrate on the matter in hand?!’ the medic lost his temper, 'you’re going to have to put him down in a minute but not until I tell you ok, for now keep as still as possible?’ he told Ant, 'I need back-up & Dec needs to be immobilised just in case he has a spinal injury.’
Back-up arrived quickly & with no response from the victim whatsoever they went to work fast.
Dec was wired, tubed, oxygenated & immobilised with professional precision & was transported to hospital within a frighteningly few short minutes.
An A&E doctor was talking to Ant just a short time after admission, 'we have major concerns…’
'Ok,’ Ant squeezed Lisa’s hand, 'but let’s not run away wi'ourselves, he’s had a bump on the head, not been hit by a car??’
'He might as well have been? Declan has a fractured eye socket & cheekbone, both hopefully repairable…’
'So ok, fix him??’
'It’s not that simple? We’ve found something else…? His lack of consciousness isn’t caused by those two specific injuries - I’m sorry to say it but Declan has, is, hemorrhaging - he has a significant bleed on the brain…’
Ant dawdled home, he couldn’t believe the hours that had just passed & his own actions meant that he was now even more up to his neck in it than he had been before - but, at least if his mind wasn’t, he was bodily clean, having quickly showered at Stephen’s to rid himself of the unmistakable scent of intercourse.
‘How was he?’ Lisa asked in an everyday manner, 'maybe not as good as you’d hoped eh babe, only you look sort of fretful??’
'Eh? Who??’ Ant felt instantly threatened.
'Well Doolittle of course, who else do you think I’m talking about??’
'Oh, Declan, yeah, he’s er, he’s ok like…?’ came a restrained sigh of relief.
'Unfortunately baby, your face doesn’t seem to have recognised that?’
'Sorry pet, it’s been a bit of a busy day like - doing this, that - & the other…’
'So, did you feed him??’
'What?!’
'Declan?? Soup??’
'Aye, right, yeah - there was erm, let’s say, kind of an appetite…?’
'He’s on the mend then, so when can we expect him to gatecrash our house & bedroom again??’
'Well let today sink in first woman?!’
'Let what sink in?? You fed him soup, what’s so traumatic about that??’
Ant was flustered, mixed up & suddenly knew what panic felt like; getting his story straight was not going to be easy, sticking to it would be harder & getting Dec to adhere to it would be nigh on impossible - but acting naturally was the name of the game if he was going to pull this off which, at the moment, he doubted.
'I’m sorry pet, I’m all at sixes & sevens what wi'you being away & Dec getting poorly - I’m just not - feeling - meself…’
'Well I’m home now & Doolittle’s recovering after his cold so providing you both have a bit of a rest before next week’s auditions start then all’s right with the world??’
'Hm, let’s hope so…’
Ant let Lisa prattle on but didn’t take in more than the odd word. There was an 'mm’ or an 'aye’ here & there but the bulk of what she was saying went over his head because he just couldn’t quantify why he’d done what he’d done.
He’d slept with Stephen - & then he’d 'slept’ with Stephen; had he lost his marbles, had he gone out of his mind?? Dec would absolutely never forgive him, Lisa would certainly knife him. She’d always suspected more to his closeness with Dec than was ever let on but even she could maybe somehow stomach that if she knew the whole truth because she too, loved him so much but this, oh my Christ - he’d had/done stuff - he’d had sex with Stephen??
'I might go to bed actually…’ Ant battled not to heave, 'I don’t think I’m feeling too grand like??’
'Oh god, have you caught the lurgy too? You go up baby, I’ll check you out later unless there’s anything you want straightaway?’
'No. I don’t need owt. It might be best if y'sleep in a spare? Not in Dec’s room though!!’ Ant lost his cool, 'I’ve not had chance to change the bed since Stephen stopped over & y'don’t wanna be sleeping in there??’
'Bloody hell, ok, chill!! I’m sure Stephen doesn’t have fleas or bugs or anything but I’ll sleep somewhere else ok if it’s bothering you? I’ll leave you in peace??’
'Sorry, ok, thanks. I’m tired, I’m touchy - it is nice to have youse home though?’
'Why? Because breakfast will be on the table?? Look, if you’re not well I’ll bring it up on a tray? Try to sleep?’
'Not because of that - because I love youse?’
'Is everything alright hubs? Declan is ok isn’t he??’
'As far as I can tell…’
'You’re just a bit, well, weird & it’s only him being under par that I can think would affect you like this??’
'I don’t think I want to do the auditions ok??’ Ant suddenly blurted.
'Er, but you’ve signed up for it so it’s a bit late to be backing out now?? Why would you not want to anyway? You enjoy that show & it helps pay the bills??’
'There are people there that I don’t care to see ever again?’
'We all have people whom we don’t want to bother with babe? Who’s annoying you??’
'Nobody you’d know. Forget it. I’m going to bed.’
This was a big turn up for the books & Lisa was baffled. Her husband loved his job, all of his jobs, & he got on with virtually everyone - star-struck he was not & to this day he remained unaffected & faithful to his roots. Yet somebody had gotten under his skin…
Would she ever know the true definition of that though? That was the question?
Ant was a thousand percent sure of the answer when it came to Declan but Stephen? He was a different kettle of fish & though he was a friend, he remained an unknown quantity, a mouthy one too at the the best of times; sleep would probably be at a premium tonight…
Sleep absolutely eluded Ant, not just tonight but for several nights by which time Lisa had had enough. With Dec again providing a no-show, she smelled a rat & went round to his, they’d rowed, it was obvious & boy did this need sorting.
'Better??’ Lisa quizzed in sarcastic fashion the second Dec answered his front door.
'Er, aye…’ Dec cottoned on quickly knowing how his absence would have been explained.
'Good,’ Lisa was having none of this, 'only, if you’re interested, Anth has barely moved out of his bed all week? And another thing, he says he does not want to do the auditions?? Care to enlighten me??’
'What?!’ Dec was genuinely shocked, 'but why??’
Lisa could tell his reaction was kosher so she piped down a little, 'I don’t know why Doolittle? It was something he came out with a few days ago, he took to his bed & his reluctance to leave it since is a bit disturbing if I’m honest? Can you talk to him?’
'I will, of course I will - if he’ll give me any air-time…??’
'So you did have a row?? I bloody knew it! All this 'Dec’s got a cold business’ was just pie in the sky!!’
'We fell out Lise ok, it happens?’
'It must’ve been something bloody serious to make him take to his bed?!’
'It was sommat & nowt. Just me probably, being me usual touchy, pointless self only this time Anth didn’t give in…?’
'We all get touchy Declan & there’s no way that there’s anything pointless about you??’
Besides always harbouring guilt over Lisa, Dec had felt particularly 'pointless’ after finding his secret love in the arms of another man but he’d thought long & hard & now believed Ant & that nothing had happened that night so he had to stay tight-lipped if their liaison was to continue, 'I’ll call over later,’ he tried to console Lisa, 'it’ll all be alright, he’ll be there at the auditions, I’ll talk him into it - just think of the lawsuit against us if we don’t show, we’ve already signed on the dotted line, Simon would go ape!’
With the thought of being sued for probably millions, Dec decided to, for once, be the bigger man & later that day he ducked over to Ant’s.
'On yer own?’ he asked Lisa while she beckoned him in then closed the door.
'Yeah, for a change,’ she answered in downbeat tone, 'he’s upstairs, yet again, he’s still in bed so I might as well be on my own?’
'Can I go up?’
'Help yourself. I can’t get through to him so there’s not much to lose but you can give it a try? Good luck.’
Dec’s last overriding memory of his sidekick, best friend & under wraps lover was seeing him flaked out in bed, comfortably strewn across who had only ever been their colleague - this 'chat’ was not going to be easy.
'Youse awake?’ Dec lightly opened the bedroom door.
'Whatever. It’s not like you’ve never been in here before is it??’
'If you’d rather I didn’t then I’ll go but I’m not standing out here trying to coax youse ok, yer not a kid??’
Although arsey on times, Dec taking this stance was something quite new & it was either this new-found ballsy attitude or his own guilt which made Ant tell him to enter the room.
'So yer not dead then?’ Ant sniped from under his duvet.
'Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated,’ Dec bit back, 'anyways, like youse can talk, where the fuck have y'been??’
'Here. I’ve been here.’
'In this room? The whole time??’
'Nowhere else to go is there & here is as good a place as any??’
'Lisa is worried…?’
'Oh so that’s why you’ve put in an appearance ?? Nowt to do wi'missing me??’
'She asked me to talk to youse but aye, o'course I bloody missed youse? It’s been a shit week?’
'Then why stay away for so long Declan??!’
'Because the last time I set foot in this house I found youse in bed wi'one of our mates - I think maybe that had sommat to do wi'it?!’
'All of which was explained?? And keep yer voice down, Lisa’s probably earwigging…’
'Anyways, I’ve thought it all through & I’ve forgiven youse.’
'Thanks, that’s good of youse…’
'Ok, so what’s wrong Anth cos it’s not just me stopping away that’s brought this on?’
'Nothing. Nowt’s wrong.’
'So yer fine to go ahead wi'the auditions…?’
'I don’t know, I haven’t decided.’
'Lisa said sommat about y'not wanting to see certain people? So that would be one person & by my reckoning that can only be Stephen?’
'Obviously?? Look Declan, y'know how I’ve had to juggle youse & us over the years & I’ve only just managed to get away wi'it? If Lisa finds out that I slept in the same bed as Stephen - her main client & one of her best friends who just happens to be a bloke - then she’ll never believe that nowt happened & our days of youse & me time together will be history?? I’ve told her he stopped over but that’s all? I managed to head her off from going to his but I’m worried that Stephen isn’t exactly discrete, he’ll maybe say sommat when he does see her even if he means it as a joke?’
'How d'ya know if he remembers?’
'Eh??’
'I was here the next morning, he was still in his pants & I seem to recall that he was clueless - so what makes y'think that he knows what 'didn’t happen’ & why would he want to, or be able to, tell Lisa??’
'Erm… I went to see him ok? I needed to know what he remembered & what, if anything, he’d intended on doing about it.’
'Y'went to his house?!’
'I had to?! Lisa was planning on visiting him to finalise wardrobe & stuff so I had no choice, I had to get in there first, sound him out & shut him up?!’
'So when he was prompted…??!’
'He remembered ok?! He knew we woke up together? He knew I’d hugged him & at some point that he’d hugged me - but it was in our sleep & we were thinking of other people & that’s all that it was??! Lisa’ll never buy that - just like you didn’t??’
'Y'let him 'hug’ youse…?!’
'Y'know all this?!’
'Not this part I don’t?! All y'said was that y'fell asleep resting against him, hugging didn’t come into it - which leads me to wonder what did come into it & what else happened which youse haven’t yet told us?!’
'Nowt?! Oh for fuck’s sake?!’
'It’s just that these little snippets keep slipping out - owt else slip out, or slip in perhaps…??’
'I’m not explaining this anymore!! Go away Declan & bloody well stay away!! I don’t have to justify meself to anyone & that includes youse!!’
Dec merely nodded an affirmative nod - he’d gotten the message loud & clear; he was angry, he was cross but after the shock of finding Ant & Stephen in bed & then bearing a long, solitary week, he seemed to have no fight left in him so he turned & he left the bedroom without uttering another word or giving Ant the satisfaction of a prolonged argument.
'Well?’ Lisa asked as he trotted downstairs & headed for the front door.
'I did me best. I’ll see youse on Thursday pet, at the Dominion.’
'But Declan?! What about Anth?? We all travel together don’t we?!’
'I’ll sort out me own transport because there’s no getting through to him & if he should decide to turn up I’m not traveling wi'that for company.’
'Declan?!’
'Sorry Lise, he categorically told us to go away so I’m going? He also told us to stay away so I think I can manage that too?’
'He said what?!’
'Bye Lise,’ Dec slammed the door without elaborating further & was gone in a flash.
Lisa marched up the stairs which Ant heard, 'don’t start,’ he said without so much as a glance in her direction, his eyes seemingly glued shut.
She swiped open the curtains & bashed open the windows, 'don’t start?! You’ve just sent Declan packing in majestic style?! You told him to go & stay gone - why?!’
'I have my reasons…’
'What the hell could he have possibly done to merit a bollocking like that?!’
Ant knew that Dec had done nothing, nothing at all & that his own outburst had been unfair, misplaced & unjust - but borne out of guilt.
'He’ll get over it,’ Ant turned over, pulling the duvet over his head to shield out the low level winter sun now pathetically, if infuriatingly, trying to penetrate the frosted up windows.
'Well if he doesn’t then it’s your own bloody fault! You can’t treat people like that Anth, like something you’ve trodden in then expect them to just forget it?! He was hurt, I could see it?!’
'When is he never??’
'Anth?! What IS wrong with you?!’
'I’ve got stuff on me mind ok, now leave us be?!’
Lisa did her own bit of door slamming then she went to make sure that Dec was ok but he’d already gone out, well the house was locked up anyway so she had to assume that he wasn’t in as his car was also gone from his driveway.
And that’s the way it stayed all weekend & for the next few days; locked house, no car, no Declan - & now he’d calmed down a fair bit, Ant was getting anxious because his phone calls, texts & ever-increasingly fraught voicemails were all going unread & unanswered.
He fished around with cryptic calls to family & friends but Dec didn’t appear to be anywhere but he didn’t want to worry anyone unduly.
'I think I might break the door down?’ Ant pinched his top lip as he struggled for a solution, 'or smash a window to get in or sommat?’
'Why??’ Lisa replied impatiently because she was sick of all this.
'Because he’s missing??’
'No he’s not? He went AWOL to get away from you & because you bloody well sent him away?? If he needs peace then home to his mother’s is the last place he’ll go because it’s like a bloody circus at the best of times?’
'Then where is he??!’
'Doing his own thing? Being his own person? He is allowed Anth, you don’t own him?’
'Don’t I? We own each other Lise, there is no him wi'out me & there’s no me wi'out him? Like it or not, if we’re staying in this thankless occupation then we absolutely need one another?’
'Try calling him again?’ Lisa was also worried but until now had buried it.
'He’s not going to answer me is he, it’s obvious?!’
'Then ring from a different number?! Something he’s not expecting?! Buy a bloody ten quid pay as you go sim - at least you’ll know he’s alive if he answers?!’
'First, I’m going in there.’
'How?!’
'I don’t know Lisa but come hell or high water I have to get in there?! I’ll call the police to break in if needs be cos for all I know he could be ill or dead, or dying, on the bloody floor?!’
'Do it then,’ Lisa had a nervous change of heart, 'but if he is any of those things then you know it’ll be your fault - can you live with that??’
'No?? But then I couldn’t live wi'it if he got hit by a car?? I want him back, I need him back & I know I shouldn’t have said what I said but I was in a dark place when he called, I was in a rut & I couldn’t drag meself out of it?’
'It’s Declan you should be telling that to hubs, not me?’
'If I ever get the chance to, I will. I let him down so badly, worse than anyone knows but please god I get to make things alright again?’
'You had words babe, you didn’t murder anyone??’ Lisa didn’t get the sentiment, 'he’s probably at a mate’s - try Stephen, he might be there?’
'Stephen’s?!’ Ant barked, 'he’d better bloody not be…?! Don’t say that Lise?!’
'Well they are mates hubs & he’s unattached - & he only lives up the road so it makes sense? I sort of hope that he is there, I said they’d be good together, kind of cute, kind of sweet?’
'Cute?? Sweet?? Stephen?? I think not!’
'Of course he is, I’ve worked with him for long enough & he’s a pussycat?’
Ant has first-hand experience now so was thinking less cat but more tiger, & a much more ferocious one than the toy Stephen had claimed he’d cuddled as a kid - Tony…
'It’s a lass Declan should be on the lookout for?’
'He’s no objection to either gender which I think we both know, though it’s only ever been intimated at & never officially confirmed by him?’ Lisa began subconsciously planning, 'I’m going to work on it, if he hasn’t stayed at Stephen’s then I’m going to try to pair the two of them up. It’ll work, I’m sure of it?’
'Lisa, please don’t?? Declan’s private life is his business not yers, as is Stephen’s, they’ll neither of them thank youse for interfering??’
'Why are you so anti-Stephen??’
'I’m not anti-Stephen? I’m anti-Declan-&-Stephen?’ Ant let his thoughts drift over this other potential love triangle which, if his wife had her way, would soon become fact, 'Dec’s fine as things are, he doesn’t need Stephen.’
'You’ll have to let him go one day darling?’
'Let him go?? I’m not stopping him from doing owt?’
'Aren’t you? Sometimes it feels like you’re clipping his wings…?’
'Y'think I’m holding Dec back from finding true love?! Y'dont know what yer talking about!!’
This difference of opinion was rapidly turning into a full blown domestic. Ant wasn’t sure if 'thankful’ was the right word to cover the interruption in hostilities when his mobile loudly announced a text.
'You’ve gone red,’ Lisa huffed, 'now what?’
'Now I don’t need to break down Declan’s front door, that’s what but I could happily break his bloody neck?’
'Why, what’s he done? At least he’s finally answered you?’
'No he hasn’t as it goes - but Stephen has? He guessed we’d be worried be now so he just thought he’d tell us that Dec is indeed staying at his & he’s been there all week & what’s more, they don’t need any transport or ferrying around because they shall be arriving at the auditions “together” - how much of a kick in the teeth is that Lise…?!’
A/D/S fiction. Not connected to any previous stories. Mature in part, not fluff.
Downstairs the flat-out arguing continued with Dec choosing not listen to the answers to the questions that he was currently firing at Ant.
Ant was trying to have patience given what Dec thought he’d walked in on, understanding what it must have looked like from his angle.
‘Overlooking that y'were in bed together - in my bed, in my room - ok, it’s in yer house so I suppose y'can have visitors sleep wherever you decide to put them & y'can also sleep where y'want & hop in beside them if the mood takes youse? Looking passed all that - as if that wasn’t enough - yer heads were touching, y'were resting against one another - y'had him under yer arm, cuddling him like a fucking teddy bear & very contented y'looked an'all?!’ Dec carried on ranting.
Ant didn’t really have a leg to stand on but patiently went through it all again, ‘staying wi'Stephen was the only way I was gonna get any shut-eye last night. He was very drunk & threatening to be sick & I was worried he’d choke in his sleep or sommat so rightly or wrongly I ended up sitting wi'him while he nodded off, just to calm him down if nowt else - it was like echoes of youse - but then at some point I also fell asleep - I’d had a few drinks too remember?’
'That doesn’t explain why y'were entwined around him this morning Anth?!’
'I was hardly entwined?? People move about when they’re sleeping, I’d obviously stretched out & me head must’ve flopped against his & if me arm was under his then it was done unconsciously in me sleep cos at the back of me mind y'were meant to be stopping over so I probably thought it were youse?’
'So how long exactly had y'been clinging to him like a fucking koala?!’
'I don’t know Declan - I was asleep? And that’s all I did & all he did - sleep?’
'Y'expect us to believe that do ya?!’
'Why wouldn’t I - it’s the god’s honest truth?? Look, I totally get why yer angry cos I would be too if the tables were turned…’
'Angry?? Try fucking seething?! Not only could I not stay over last night for our planned night of passion because of yer unexpected guest but he goes & sleeps in my bed & youse end up snuggled in next to him come the next morning?!’
'I can see how it looks…?’
'Well that’s sommat I suppose?!’
'It was really innocent Deccy, I give youse me word - absolutely nowt happened?’
At this point a very stubbly, scruffy, hungover Stephen appeared, he was still only dressed in his boxers & t-shirt, 'mind if I get some coffee?’ he asked Ant, 'I heard shouting, is everything ok? You guys hungover too? Dec, did you stay over, how do you feel this morning?’
Dec was too pent up to speak so completely blanked Stephen; all Ant could say in reply was, 'put some trousers on man!’
'Oh, er, sorry, I’m just so at home with you two, I didn’t think? I don’t know where they are as I actually can’t remember taking them off?’
'Y'didnt - we got them off youse, us & Dec?’
'Double oh then - & double sorry. It’ll never happen again, I’m not sure why I drank so much but cheers for letting me stay over.’
'Sleep well did ya?!’ Dec finally spat out his words as they choked him.
'Yeah I did actually, when I’d got settled. I was a bit cold to start with but once I’d gotten nice & warmed up I was fine. I’ll go & get dressed then - can I grab a quick shower Ant, I feel overly sweaty for some reason?’
'Help yerself,’ Ant answered coyly even though he knew he was innocent, 'y'know where everything is, there are clean towels already out.’
Dec now looked to be in competition with the Flying Scotsman - talk about steam coming out of his ears, 'and just why d'ya think yer 'overly sweaty’ Stephen?! Had some kind of hot water bottle keeping y'warm did ya?!’
'Ooh,’ Stephen thought back, 'you’re showing your age Dec, do people still use those things now that the majority have central heating? I remember I had one when I was a kid, I used to cuddle into it with one arm & have my favourite soft tiger toy in the other; Tony he was called, like the one off the cereal adverts.’
Assuming this was a big dig at him, Dec stormed away without another word - only leaving a murderously cutting stare directed at Stephen & an even deadlier 'you wait’ one for Ant.
'Something I said?’ Stephen asked innocently.
'He’s hungover,’ Ant made excuses.
He wasn’t quite sure if Stephen had indeed recalled their uneventful night together, therefore he was possibly playfully meddling as only he could do, or whether he’d been genuinely reminiscing about his childhood - but to be cuddled up to this warm, soothing thing he called 'Tony’ seemed like an awful coincidence & one which was only going to strain things between all three of them even more…
Sulking was something that Dec was expert at so it came as no surprise to Ant that he’d gone to ground & was keeping his distance - more than keeping his distance as he seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth.
It wasn’t really that much of a problem as he needed some cooling off time which Ant, though he missed his company, was happy to give - but then Lisa came home from her mother’s…
'Happy New Year hubs,’ she kissed her husband then made a fuss of the dog.
'You too pet,’ Ant returned the peck, 'how’s yer Mam?’
'Loads better thank goodness. How did the party go, I was gutted to miss it?’
'Oh y'know, same old…’
'Give me the goss then, who copped off with who??’
'Er, well nobody as far as I know? Whoever they came with they left with?’
'Sounds dull! I should’ve been here to liven things up. Where’s Doolittle?’
'Oh, erm, he’s er, he’s staying away for a day or two, he’s got a cold like so he’s best off in bed.’
'The poor love, I’ll pop some chicken soup around later.’
'No! I mean, y'dont wanna catch it too do you babe?’
'You two had a row…??’
'No, what makes y'think that?’
'Not sure but I’m sensing an atmosphere…?’
'He’s not well, is all? Leave him be, y'know what a grump he is when he’s poorly?’
Knowing there was probably more to it than her husband was letting on, Lisa let the subject drop, 'I’ll unpack then put some dinner on, then I have to go out for a bit.’
'But y'only just got back home - where are y'going?’
'Only nipping over to Stephen’s.’
'What?! Why??!’
'We’ve things to discuss for his upcoming recordings, wardrobe etc - & for the auditions, they start the week after next remember?’
Ant nearly choked on his coffee - it hadn’t occurred to him that they’d all three be together again so soon & he was certain that Dec was in no way ready for a face to face meeting with the man he now considered his foe.
He was obviously still consumed with anger, his abscence detailed that, & if he should say something out of place about, or to, Stephen in front of Lisa about that night she’d never believe her husband; she’d questioned his involvement with Dec often enough but if she found out her husband had actually spent almost an entire night with Stephen then they’d definitely be talking divorce.
If Lisa was going to Stephen’s house then he had to prime her as much as he dared, coaxing Dec to do likewise would keep until later, 'about Stephen sweetheart…he er, he got really hammered the night of the party, he ended up staying the night, we had to put him to bed, me & Dec…’
'Aw did he? Not the biggest of drinkers is he, not like you pair who can drink for Britain?’
'Well, he had a few y'know, anyways he stopped over - y'don’t mind do you pet?’
'Why would I mind? He’s one of my best mates, of course I don’t mind? Where did he sleep?’
'Dec’s room…’
'Oh. Really?? Er, right. With Declan??’
'No babe, Declan went home, only Stephen stayed.’
'Phew that’s alright then. I’m all for gay rights & the live & let live attitude but having my two closest friends sleeping together under my roof just doesn’t seem to sit right in my head?’
Ant wondered what her feelings would be about one of her best mates & her husband sharing a bed but he thought better of asking…
'So 'gay’ as in reference to whom?’ Ant delved a bit deeper.
'Do you really need to ask me that??’
'Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have??’
'Either? Neither? Both?? Oh come on, both of them Anth?? They’d make a great couple actually? But in their own environment…’
'But don’t they both date lasses which makes yer assumption a bit more than presumptuous Lise?’
'Deccy has done, I’m not sure why though because he dumps them fast enough? Maybe he’s still in denial? All the years I’ve known Stephen I don’t recall ever seeing him with a girl on his arm? He doesn’t ever go for girls, he never chats anyone up & we all know he’s gobby enough?? Doolittle tries to but it’s not really him either is it? Nah, I think they’d be cute together? They know each other, they get on, I think with a bit of encouragement & a bloody big push they’d maybe take things to the next level? What do you think hubs, I could shove Stephen, you could shove Declan…??’
'Stay out of it Lisa,’ Ant began losing his rag knowing exactly the amount of pushing & shoving he & Dec had shared over the years, 'Declan’s love life doesn’t concern youse & if his doesn’t then Stephen’s definitely doesn’t!!’
'You’re such a bore sometimes!’ Lisa huffily tutted, 'they’re two lonely people & they could be better than good together? It’d be great, not just for them but for us too - we’d have some awesome nights out just the four of us!!’
'I’m not saying it again Lise ok - y'stay outta folks’ private affairs!!’
'Ooh, an affair, I like the sound of that!!’
'Lisa?!’
'Declan needs somebody, Stephen needs somebody, it makes perfect sense to me & if they’re both accounted for then that means more time for us two to spend together - by which I mean no Doolittle tagging along??’
'He doesn’t 'tag along’? His presence is always very much wanted??’
'All the same, I’m going to sound Stephen out, see if I can get the ball rolling?’
With his wife so determined, Ant could see no way around this - apart from giving prior warning to Stephen as to her plans for his “allegedly gay” love life; he didn’t want to but he had to, he had a visit to make…
Quickly sprucing up, Ant made his excuses, 'I’ll pop into Dec’s, see how he is?’
'Ok babe, ask if he fancies that chicken soup because if his appetite has gone it’s pointless me making it?’
'Will do. Y'get a nice hot bath ok, have a long soak?’
'In other words, you’re there for the duration? I might just get an early night then? I’m pooped so scrub the soup or open a tin & I can see Stephen tomorrow.’
'I’ll text youse later…’
'Just go hubs, if he’s that poorly then it’s not really soup that he needs - it’s you. I’ll see you later maybe, I won’t come with you to Dec’s because I’ve got too much work looming & I can’t afford to get ill. Give him a kiss from me - not literally of course but you know what I mean?’
Ant was a bit surprised at how easy this getting-away-lark was, the threat of becoming germ-ridden had certainly done the trick meaning Lisa had paved the way for him to forewarn Stephen; he was off & down the street - bypassing Dec’s house - in no time.
Arriving at Stephen’s, being invited in as he always was & being given coffee & biscuits shouldn’t have felt any different to how it usually felt - except it did today because they’d spent a night wrapped up together even if the other party couldn’t remember it.
'Anything wrong Ant?’ Stephen probed, his visitor was unplanned & unexpected & was acting more than a bit out of character.
'Wrong? Erm, no, nowt’s wrong, at least I don’t think so?’
'Well it’s lovely to see you & don’t take this in a bad way but why are you here??’
'It’s a bit delicate like…’
'You’ve something so delicate to say that you haven’t even been able to confide in Dec??’
'Kind of - it’s Lisa…’
'Oh my god? What’s wrong??’
'Oh no, she’s not ill? She’s just in interfering mode is all - which seems to include youse?’
'O-kay…??’
'Look, to get straight to the point, she thinks that yer lonely, she’s got somebody earmarked for youse & it’s a bloke cos she’s convinced that yer gay? I told her yer not but she wouldn’t listen…’
'I am.’
'What, lonely??’
'Well, a bit, but not that part of what you just said - it’s true, I go for guys, not girls, so Lisa is right? I’m between relationships at the moment so yeah, life gets a bit tedious, a bit quiet?’
'Oh…’
'Problem??’
'No? O'course it’s not a problem, yer me mate, I just assumed…’
'Then you assumed wrong & you’re probably not that much of a mate because you didn’t already know or at least suspect? So anyway, who is the mystery man that Lisa has lined up for me?’
'I thought she’d got it totally wrong so I’m not sure it matters now?’
'Why not? I am what I am which you say you’re ok about or has this man suddenly become 'not gay’ since you entered my house??’
'Possibly, I know he dates girls when it suits him not to be?’
'Oh, so we have a still-in-the-closeter do we?’
'He’s no different to youse Stephen, y'didn’t advertise it & neither does he? Anyways, I always thought y'were straight?’
'Even after we spent a night together?’
'What??!’
'Did you really think I’d forget something like that? I could’ve stayed there, in that bed, with you huddled up to me, forever?’
'Y'were pissed, I thought y'might choke??’
'So you decided it was in my best interests to sleep alongside me with your arms wrapped around my waist??’
'I was drunk an'all ok?! I was mistaking youse for somebody else!!’
'If you say so? Not your wife though, I’m guessing?? If you tell yourself that often enough then who knows, one day you might even believe it?’
'I’d better go…’
'I’d never tell her, Lisa, if that’s why you came here?’
'I’d hope not cos it was harmless enough??’
'In what way harmless??’
'In that nowt happened?? Two guys fell asleep in the same bed after a night on the piss, big deal??’
'It was a big deal, a very big deal - as you’d have found out if your hand had strayed just a few inches further…’
'Stephen…’
'I wanted & waited for you to touch me, I wanted you to kiss me, I wanted you to take advantage of my almost unconscious state & just have me for the hell of it? But you didn’t. You behaved. If I had to put you to bed here, take your jeans off, there would be no stopping me. I wouldn’t care how drunk you were &, providing you didn’t say no, I’d have sex with you & I wouldn’t give a fuck if you remembered it. So. Shocked??’
'I didn’t come here for this…’
'So what did you come for Ant because there’s something rattling through your brain & I really don’t think that it’s out of concern about Lisa’s wedding plans for me??’
'I er, I just wasn’t sure if you’d recalled that night & I’ve told her y'stopped over but…’
'You left out the part where you hugged me, or I hugged you - which you let me by the way…??’
'She cannat find out Stephen? She’s had her doubts about me for years over somebody else & if she knew I’d kipped in the same bed wi'another man, especially youse…’
'I told you Ant, no one will hear anything from me ok? I’m the model of discretion, how do you think I kept my sexuality secret from you for all of these years?? Your coffee is getting cold, do you want it or would you like something stronger??’
'Stronger? I dunno? What have y'got?’
'This,’ Stephen confidently planted a smacker plum on Ant’s lips; though shocked, yet again the recipient didn’t refuse it.
It fizzled out eventually as these things tend to do but Ant was still transfixed after they’d parted, 'I have a wife…’ he muttered as if he’d been drugged.
'But that didn’t stop you from sleeping with me? Unless you were mistaking me for somebody else??’
'No?? No?! Only her probably, definitely - I was drunk??!’
'Oh that 'definitely’ was such an afterthought wasn’t it?! You’ve got somebody else?!’
'No Stephen, I haven’t?!’
'Well that’s good then.’
'Why??’
'It leaves you free to come upstairs now with me??’
'Upstairs??’
'Sex Ant? That kiss told me that you want it & I so want to experience more than your lips…? Let me do you, here, now, today, even if it’ll only be a one-off?’
'But Lisa…’
'Will never know,’ Stephen pecked again but more delicately this time; then his lips slipped into a fragrantly t-shirted neck…
With further half-hearted protestations silenced, Ant soon found himself on the bed, minus his clothes, having his full quota of skin being explored from his hair to his feet - feet especially actually as it turned out that Stephen had something of a foot fetish & having his toes sucked & nibbled at was not something that in all of his years of sexual activity Ant had ever experienced before but it had him in raptures.
Stephen’s will was done & it was probably over too quickly but neither could hold on for very long as the furtive excitement of the occasion won the day.
'So,’ Stephen made polite conversation as they laid awkwardly naked now, side by side on the bed, 'when are you likely to have another party??’
'I dunno, why?’
'I thought I might get to stay over again? You can take off my jeans & return the favour…?’
'No parties planned & anyways, next time Lisa will be there won’t she & Dec of course?’
'Dec?? What’s he got to do with anything??’
'Nowt? It’s just that he stops at ours sometimes like?’
'Oh does he - you are a dark horse…so you, Lisa & Dec…ok, I didn’t see that one coming, more’s the pity…’
'It’s all perfectly legit!’ Ant bounded up off the mattress & clambered to find his clothes.
'If you say so…’
'I do!! Lisa would never…!!’
'But you would - & by the sounds of it Dec would…?? Does he know who you’ve been seeing behind Lisa’s back??’
'There is no one Stephen, can y'drop it now?’
'Sure I can - if you tell me when you’re going to pop over again…??’
'I won’t be, this was a mistake, I love my wife…’
'Which is why you’re standing in my bedroom dressed in only your boxers? Come a bit closer & I’ll help you back off with them…’
'I gotta go…’
'Stay a bit longer? You want me, admit it? We’ll probably never get a chance like this again? Lisa will be around, Dec is never not around - it’s now or never Ant, don’t you want to bed me??’
Some offers just can’t be refused & Ant readily succumbed to this one. He allowed himself to be tantalizingly stripped by a set of eager lips & teeth &, brought to the brink, he took control where, minutes later, he off-loaded inside Stephen before finishing him off with his mouth.
'I cannat go home like this,’ Ant laid back & stared at the ceiling, 'I smell of sex.’
'Then we must have done it properly,’ Stephen grinned.
'Oh that was proper all right?’ Ant now grinned too, 'I’ve not let meself go like that in years man?’
'Not even with the wife you profess to love so much?’
'It’s different innit, when yer married? It’s routine, it’s regimental, the deceitful naughtiness just isn’t there?’
'So I was right, there is someone? Though it must 'be there’ with your bit on the side?? Is that how you’d define a spark??’
'Aye, y'were right? All I’ll say is that we have our moments? It’s complicated, time together isn’t easy, not on our own anyways. When we manage it though, ooh it can be so good…’
'And those sparks fly…?’
'Aye, they do, & talking of flying I have really gotta go this time…?’
'I’ll see you next week at the auditions then? You could even knock on my dressing room door…?’
'I won’t be doing that Stephen. I think we’ve both had our fun but this is as far as I go?’
'Fair enough though I can’t say I’m not disappointed, I always thought you’d be good but you exceeded my expectations. Anyway, you’re clearly out of bounds because of lovers & wives…’
'One wife Stephen?’
'And one lover?’
'Yes, one, the only one I need - sorry.’
'So if today & the other night were to come out in conversation…??’
'Total denial from me - & with friends in high places like, oh, Simon, for example, I doubt you’d have very much left to work on & back to the market you’ll go?’
'Relax, I’m not going to slit my own throat by dropping you in it am I?’
'Today is already forgotten right & Lisa doesn’t ever get to know that we only last week shared a bed?’
'It’s a done deal Ant?’
'Good, now I need to coax Dec…’
'Dec?? Why??’
Ant panicked a little, he’d been thinking out loud & had totally said way too much, 'he erm, he called round that morning, he was going to make bacon rolls…’
'But instead he found us in bed…?’
'Aye.’
'That’s why he was so off with me, it makes sense now - he thought I was your bit on the side & it was me that you were cheating on Lisa with??’
'Sommat like that. I’ll talk him round, I told him that nowt happened.’
'It has now?’
'And the only two people who know that are sat in this room - as soon as I’m outta that door then as far as I’m concerned it never happened?’
'Twice?’
'Eh??’
'It never happened - twice?? I wonder if these 'non-occurrences’ will ever repeat themselves??’
'Bye Stephen, & remember that I won’t think 'twice’ if I have to use other means to gag that big mouth of yers? D'ya get me?’
'Yeah I got you but I’m going to be awfully bored with no one to play with…? Ask Lisa to pop in, I’m intrigued to know who she’s trying to set me up with, who knows, it could be a whole lot of fun…?’
Ant left knowing he’d made the most stupidest of mistakes because he wasn’t that sure if Stephen could be trusted - he also knew that his wife was intent on setting the man he’d just bedded up with his best friend, lover & 'bit on the side’ & that couldn’t be allowed to happen?
Dec though, was still feeling vengeful, he could bear a grudge better than anyone Ant knew & that was the thing about revenge - it was always a dish best served cold but this serving was going to have potentially devastating consequences…
‘Well the party’s over,’ Dec yawned, ‘time to call it a day I reckon?’
‘I would love to Declan but what do we do about sleeping beauty over there?’ he nodded to an armchair which currently housed a weary, inebriated, Stephen.
‘We??’ Dec quizzed mischievously, 'it’s yer bloody house, therefore yer problem, not mine - y'see to him.’
'Oh well thanks for that! I dunno what to do wi'him, he’s as pissed as a rat man?!’
'Chuck him in a taxi & send him home, he’ll be grand be the morning?’
'One problem - how the hell is he gonna get outta the taxi & in through his front door?’
'Er…’
'Exactly! I can tell the cabbie where to take him but I cannat expect the driver to drag him into his house then put him to bed & tuck him in?!’
'Maybe he would if y'gave him a hefty tip like, take him in I mean, not the rest obviously??’
'So what if this cab driver turns out to be a lass??’
'Er… hadn’t thought of that…’
'Or worse, it could be a homicidal maniac who might murder him in cold blood then scarper wi'all his worldly possessions?? Nah, I cannat risk it, I’d never live wi'meself?’
'That’s one hell of an imagination youse have there my friend but I get yer point; Stephen is what you’d call a bit on the vulnerable side tonight?’ Dec sighed as he glanced at the occupied chair.
'He’ll have to stop here, there’s no other solution?’ Ant made a snap decision.
'Or y'could pour coffee down him then send him on his way??’ Dec felt a bit put out by this latest sudden suggestion.
'He’s not exactly in any fit state to drink owt is he? And he cannat stay in that chair either, the dog will enjoy slobbering over him or, even worse, eating him alive during the night.’
'Then lock the dog in the kitchen??!’
'No! He’s my baby & he always sleeps in the lounge - on the sofa usually?’
'Eugh,’ Dec disapproved, 'hygienic…’
'Oi! It’s leather & I clean it down every day ok?! It’s immaculate is that, as y'well know?! There’s nowt else for it - you’ll have to help us get Stephen up to bed?’
'Bed? Yer bed?? I don’t think so…?!’
'Any bloody bed Declan, does it matter?? Like youse, I’ve got enough of them?!’
Dec huffed, he knew he was beaten, 'that’s me going home tonight then??’
'Don’t be a spoiled brat Declan, there’s nowt stopping youse from still staying here as planned??’
'Aye there is - & it’s slumped in yer armchair?! I was hoping for a late one, like that’s gonna happen now if you’ve got a visitor?!’
’M'tired anyways,’ Ant admitted.
'Oh thanks?! Sorry if the prospect of us spending some quality time together is so bloody appealing!! It doesn’t happen that often Anth - I was looking forward to it?!’
'There’ll be other nights ok?? Right now I need - him bed, me sleep - y'gonna help us or what??’
'Or what.’ Dec’s reply reeked of sarcasm.
'Declan, for god’s sake?!’
'Oh just chuck a bucket of water over him, stick some ice in it, that’ll wake him up, he’s used to it??’
'I’d help youse if this were yer house & youse found yerself in this predicament?!’
Dec knew that to be true so he gave in, 'ok! But that’s not to say I’m not bitterly disappointed!!’
'I’ll make it up to youse ok, now gi'us a hand before me clothes turn back into rags?!’
They tried some gentle shakes on Stephen’s arms & shoulders - well Ant was gentle; Dec was still in a mood so his were a tad more on the rough side but gentle or rough, Stephen didn’t flinch, not so much as a groan.
'Now what?’ Dec asked impatiently, 'only if yer bed is outta bounds for one night then mine’s not & it’s calling?’
'Grab an arm, let’s get him up on his feet then go from there.’
Awkwardly lugged upright, they each slung an arm around a shoulder, a floppy head hung droopily & didn’t protest at being disturbed. The height difference looked quite ridiculous & made this operation a lopsided affair, especially from Dec’s point of view as holding up someone substantially taller proved difficult - it also meant that Stephen’s legs buckled somewhat to compensate for the lack of force holding him which made for an even deader weight.
'This is fun,’ Dec puffed, he was already out of breath as he tried to control this uncooperative mass residing on his shoulder - & they hadn’t even reached the stairs yet.
'Stand on yer feet Stephen!’ Ant shouted as he, too, struggled.
'Just put him back down?’ Dec suggested, 'we’ll never manage him cos he’s not helping??’
'We’ve done the worst bit?’
'Y'reckon - heard of a staircase have youse?’ Dec wasn’t in any way convinced.
Ant was having none of it & decided a spot of coaxing was required, 'Stephen…? How d'ya fancy a nice sleep in a warm, cosy bed…?’
Finally there was some reaction, the words bed & sleep having swung it, 'uh…??’
'Bed awaits youse but y'gotta help us ok? Y'need to walk, i.e. put one foot in front of the other??’
'Hm…k…’
'Good lad. Come on then twinkle toes, up the wooden hill we go…’
It took an age, thanks to ungainly staggering, to even get onto the first couple of stairs & many shouts of 'Stephen, cooperate!!’ ensued as they tried not to fall over.
'Ti-red…’ Stephen managed to lift his head once, before he flopped again.
'You & us both,’ Dec huffed, 'this is impossible? He’s bigger than us two put together??’
'Never say die,’ Ant wouldn’t relent, 'Stephen?! If y'dont help us get youse up these stairs we’re leaving youse out on the patio wi'the spiders?!’
The word rattled through Stephen’s confused brain & he suddenly remembered the patio heated, winter barbecue where the eight-legged creatures had been crawling around in abundance as the males of the species got confused by the sudden warmth & appeared from everywhere, searching in vain for their mates; leg tension was duly summoned from somewhere & the ascent resumed, this time with more speed & just a little more structure.
'Nicely done,’ Dec grinned, adopting one of his drunken mate’s catchphrases.
'Y'dont like spiders d'ya Stephen eh?’ Ant teased, 'Or owt that crawls, or wriggles, or has four legs, or even two most of the time??! Or if it swims & youse have to eat it…??’
'Urgh,’ Stephen suddenly heaved, 'fi-sh..’
'Don’t tell him that Anth?! Unless y'want him to throw up on yer axminster?!’
Point taken, they reached the summit of what felt like Mount Everest, achievement being felt by the smaller two men & the hardest part of this task seemingly over.
'Just stick him in here,’ Ant suggested breathlessly as he & Dec dragged this now limp again guest to the first bedroom they came to.
'But this is my room when I stop over, y'know when Lisa is here?’ Dec highly disapproved.
'Declan, it’s a room wi'a bed in it & I cannat hold or drag this lump of lard any further, can youse?!’
'Ggrr,’ Dec snarled as he again gave in, 'this is the first & last time alright?! It’s my room is this - MY room!!’
Dec couldn’t deny that this was a matter of 'needs must’ & in the end he was just as glad as Ant was to plonk this, what was to him, an imposition, down on the bed.
'See you tomorrow then,’ Dec tutted, 'y'might wanna get a bowl, y'know, just in case…?’
'Yer not leaving me?!’ Ant panicked.
'And why not? It looks like a case of rain stopping play so what’s the point in staying?’
'He’s still dressed for one thing - he cannat sleep in jeans & a jacket?!’
'Course he can? We’ve both done it often enough after a bender?’
'At least help us wi'his jacket?’
'Yer asking a lot tonight Anth d'ya know that? Especially given that me laddo here has ruined me plans??’
'These things happen Deccy, don’t go holding us to ransom over it, I only asked for a bit of help & if I cannat ask youse…?’
Blackmailed into a corner & with Ant fluttering those cavernous eyes, Dec begrudgingly got stuck in & soon Stephen was sat up then jacket-free.
'There y'go,’ Ant chirped in his oh so minor victory, 'that wasn’t so difficult was it?’ he helped set his guest back down. 'Ok, now the jeans…’
'You have got to be kidding me?!’ Dec kicked off, 'I absolute draw the line at de-kegging one of me best mates!’
'They’re Balmain’s Declan, he bought them from Harvey Nics - Stephen has bleated on all night about how much they cost him, haven’t youse heard him??’
'Cannat say I have? He talks so much I tend to switch off? So he paid an arm & a leg for some designer denim - that doesn’t mean I wish to relieve him of them??’
'You’d be livid if someone left youse to kip in yer bestest, most favorite purchase…like that Gucci diamond stitch shirt y'bought not a week ago…??’
Dec inhaled as he bit his top lip, 'y'have a point ok? But I’m drawing the line at jeans & youse get to open them cos I’m not being ribbed about that 'till the end of me days!’
'Oh for god’s sake,’ Ant began losing patience as he undid first the belt, then the button & lastly the zip, 'was that so difficult??’
'I didn’t say it was difficult Anthony - only that I did not want the responsibility of doing it? Comprende??’
'Yer such a child sometimes?’
'I know, it’s one of me few faults like?’
Ant gave a disagreeing 'mm’ then cracked on with the job in hand, trying to pull these jeans down single-handed, 'y'gonna help us or what only he’s heavier than he looks & I cannat do it. What?’ he frowned as Dec giggled.
'Nowt, I just wish I was filming this…! Him pissed & youse trying to undress him. I left me phone downstairs, I might just go get it…’
'Don’t y'fucking dare! M'trying to do a good turn here & a fat lot of good youse’re being!’
'Yer no fun sometimes Anth.’
'Maybe it’s the prospect of being responsible for this all night long,’ Ant pointed at Stephen, 'that’s made us lose me sense of humour! Now help us, please, then we can all get some sleep!!’
The mood soon turned lighter after Dec had joined in, 'I cannat get them down over his arse, his hips are too sticky-outty?’
'Did youse just make up that word?’
'I dunno? It’s good though innit?’
'The buggers will not come down,’ Ant huffed & puffed, 'Jesus, are they painted on?!’
'Maybe there’s sommat keeping them up…?’ Dec raised an eyebrow.
'Not in his state there’s not & he cannat claim otherwise…?’
Ant was despairing so another shout left him, 'bum up Stephen, help us out a bit pal??’
Stephen groaned then rolled over a smidgen which the other two men seized & yanked the jeans down & finally over hips.
'I’d take them back if I were him,’ Dec chuckled, 'they’re too small for him, I’d demand a refund?!’
'Thank fuck he’s got boxers on,’ Ant giggled along, 'I hadn’t considered the possibility that he might not have…??’
The jeans quickly found their way down to ankles, 'erm - I think we should have taken his shoes off first??’ Dec laughed again, 'if he could only see this?’ they each cast off a shoe then whipped off the jeans where Dec ungainly slung them onto a chair.
'Y'cudda at least have folded them Declan?! Hung 'em up even?!’
'I’ll have to won’t I if yer leaving us in the lurch?’
’M'tired Anth, just like youse’re & anyways, I gotta let the dog out. Sweet dreams & I’ll see thee tomorrow - I hope he’s not too much trouble during the night…?! Don’t forget the bowl. And some water. And some painkillers. Have fun won’t youse & I’ll call round first thing - I’ll get the bacon going, we’ll see if Stephen is a man or a mouse when it comes to hangovers…!’
Dec left for home leaving Ant staring at his unconscious & now warmly covered-up house-guest; he suddenly felt stressed to the eyeballs & just knew he was too uptight now to sleep.
He’d been looking forward to a rare night with Dec & understood now how Dec had felt earlier but Stephen’s unexpected coma had definitely put paid to that so resentment crept in; there was only one thing for it - a night-cap.
Several night-caps followed before Ant could switch off then climb into bed. He hadn’t slept for very long, half an hour maybe, before he heard his guest rattling around & muttering - loudly if nonsensically - to himself.
Ant got up, he explained to Stephen where he was then directed him back into bed. Satisfied that he’d fallen asleep again, Ant returned to his own room - for all of five minutes before it happened again.
Around six visits & an hour or more later, Ant resigned himself that this was going to be a very long night, 'Stephen, just chill man? Yer ok, yer safe, yer at mine - please go to sleep, I’m knackered like?’
Stephen didn’t answer, preferring to huddle into the duvet; Ant waited a minute then tip-toed back to his own bed. He had a good sleep this time - twenty whole minutes - before 'where am I’s’ & 'I feel sick’s’ sounded out.
'This is ridiculous,’ Ant felt his anger rising; once again he navigated the landing, 'Stephen, if yer not gonna settle here I’ll call a taxi & y'can go home to yer own bed??’
'Don’ shout,’ Stephen whispered, 'sshh, m'not feeling well?’
'Hardly surprising the amount y'put away but I’m tired & it’s like half three & I really wanna go to sleep at some point tonight??’
'Sorry…’ Stephen sniffed now, he was obviously still very drunk but there was something so Dec-like about the 'feeling sorry for himself’ attitude that made Ant feel guilty about getting angry.
’D'ya want us to sit wi'youse for a bit, until y'proper drop off?’
'Hm, jus’ five min'its?’
'Ok but you’ve got to try to sleep ok? That’s the deal cos I’m on me knees man? Budge up, it’s bloody freezing now - & don’t hog the quilt!’
While Stephen curled up, Ant sat up against the headboard, arms folded, willing his eyes to stay open.
He listened to the regular, rhythmical pattern develop as one of his best mates fell back into sleep & Ant found his burning eyes surrender & his head begin to nod.
It had been like looking after a baby of sorts which he was more than used to doing with Declan & although this was different it wasn’t really, it was the same; afraid to move thus disturbing his friend, Ant gave into sleep & allowed himself to finally drop off into oblivion…
He’d slipped down the bed automatically, his head falling lightly against a shoulder whom, in his under-the-influence exhaustion, he assumed was Dec because he was meant to be staying the night?
There began a few hours of the interchanging of places; Ant flipped over onto his side, an arm was innocently flung around the waist of his guest.
Later they shifted again, this time onto their backs with Ant coming to rest under an arm, his head nestled into a shoulder, his body held in an almost tender embrace, a head resting on his.
When that became not the most comfortable of positions, Ant turned away & onto his side; Stephen groaned then followed & now it was his turn to cast an arm over.
It felt sort of weird to Ant to be shrouded like this; Dec often did it of course but this was done so completely, from head to toe & with room to spare, in fact Ant felt quite small for a change but it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling if he was only barely aware of it.
The twisting & turning continued until Stephen became marginally more lucid, turning onto his back & throwing his pillow away. Ant responded by turning also, his arm hitched up & under, allowing a hand to rest on a shoulder, his head bowed down & over his own pillow, coming to rest against Stephen’s hair; both at last comfortable now, they fell into the deepest of sleeps…
Morning dawned as did the promise of bacon; Dec arrived as arranged & he stared open-mouthed in the bedroom doorway - were his eyes deceiving him or was his Anth cuddled up to another man in what he saw as his bed?
'Anth…?’
'Eh?’ Ant stirred slightly before settling back to sleep.
'Anth?! What the fuck are y'doing?!’
Ant jumped now, he half sat up, trying to comprehend what on earth all the fuss was about.
A scrunched-up, confused, tired face tried to recall the night that had passed, 'he kept me up all night,’ he attempted to explain through a yawn.
'I’ll bet he bloody has?!’
'No I mean that he couldn’t sleep or settle or owt so I offered to sit wi'him & I was so tired that I must’ve dropped off??’
'Turned into a bloody baby has he?!’
'It felt like it…’
'So can youse put him down now & get outta that bed cos I reckon youse & me really need to talk?!’
'Declan don’t…?’
'Just put yerself in my position Anth & pretend I’m in yers?! Be happy about that would youse?!’
'Well no, obviously…’
'Then move?! Now!!’
Hungover but seeing Dec’s point, Ant jumped out of bed which wasn’t the best idea but he did it in order to spread oil on troubled waters.
Muted shouting was heard coming from downstairs & Stephen rolled over, pulled the duvet up to his neck & let out the smallest of grins; was his work here done yet he wondered?
He thought not as it seemed to him that someone was perhaps, maybe, possibly craving a change…?
'Anthony...?' Christine managed to mouth to her son in their living room, 'an explanation might be good right at this minute...??'
'Oh, ah, Mam, I er, I didn't hear youse come in like...?'
'That much is obvious lad? Anything happening that you'd maybe like to elaborate on??'
'Er... well aye, I suppose??'
Long seconds passed though they felt more like hours; Christine stood, impatiently tapping her foot, 'waiting??'
'Yeah, so right,' Ant continued nervously, 'so this, he, him...' a finger pointed.
'Presumably has a name?'
'Declan. It's Declan Ma.'
'There you go, that wasn't so difficult was it? It's nice to meet you Declan - though maybe not really under these circumstances...'
She wasn't trying to be critical & if she'd meant business then these two would have had it with both barrels by now but Ant's mother was really in need of some sort of clarification.
'Er, so aye,' Ant muttered on, 'he's me new friend, we met on set like & we totally got on so...'
'So you thought you'd invite him over & offer him a 'welcome to the family kiss'?'
Ant braved this out while Dec wanted the floor to swallow him; Christine thought this boy's shyness, his blushing, his deepening freckling as his skin burned violet was more than endearing, 'I'm thinking you've something you might feel like sharing with me now?' her focus fell back onto her son.
'Like??' Ant stood firm.
'Like the fact that I just walked in on my teenage son kissing another boy??'
'Don't be silly Ma,' Ant scoffed, 'you've a vivid imagination going on there!'
'Anthony, I know what I saw & your lips were locked together? Your arms were around one another & both of your hands were caressing each others' hips?'
'We just, we get on...' was Ant's only defence.
'And this is the future for you is it - boys??'
'No Mam, not boys - just this boy? We're gonna do so much & we're gonna be so happy, I can just sense it??'
'Then if it feels so right, go for it?'
'Ma? Really?? Y'dont mind? Yer not gonna kick off or ground us or owt??'
'No,' Christine smiled, 'don't ask me why but I've got a good feeling about you two, a very positive vibe? Just be happy son, in all that you do, fortune favours the brave & today you couldn't have been braver?'
'I thought you'd hit me into next week?'
'Why? Because you're so obviously in love with someone?'
'Another lad Ma - I'm in love wi'another lad...?'
'Well it seems to me like you've made a very good choice?'
'But yer getting what this makes us - right??'
'Of course - & I'll forego the prospect of grandchildren just as long as you're happy? Hopefully your sisters can oblige on that score? Anyway, I'll make some tea, you've both been to school & rehearsals, you must be ravenous? Declan, how does sausage & chips sound?'
'Ace Mrs McPartlin.'
'Please call me Christine pet? I don't class myself as Mrs anything these days, not since the day that Anthony's father walked out. Ok then, I'll get the grub on, it'll be about twenty minutes - carry on as you were, pretend I'm not here but there is one thing you can both do for me? Look after each other?'
Knowing she'd lost her son to this innocent looking cherub who was in desperate need of a haircut, Christine alighted to the kitchen, her eyes unusually moist as she was rarely given to sentiment.
'She's epic, yer Mam,' Dec grinned before his smile was covered with lips.
'My god,' Ant lost the contact, 'I've just come out? I've just told me Mam that I'm gay??'
'Wasn't she grand about it though??'
'Aye, she was bloody fantastic?? Yer turn next Deccy, when d'ya wanna do it??'
'The twelfth of never??'
'Y'gotto man?'
'No I don't cos they'll never get it, like not ever? Hell would freeze over first?'
'I'll come wi'youse? I'll be there & I'll hold yer hand?'
'Sorry Anth but y'won't? I cannat tell them cos I'm meant to be wi'a lass see, not a lad, & that's all they want & that's all they'll get because that's how life is & how our family works? Y'can come round like but you'll just be that new kid that I met filming Byker? They'll be ok wi'that & will be glad that I'm getting out more - but I'm gonna have to disown youse in front of me parents, as far as they're concerned we're nowt more than pals so kissing at mine is definitely outers - sorry Anth but me Mam is not yer Mam & me Dad would be devastated so at my house we'll only ever be nowt more than just good friends...'
‘Well,’ the A&E doctor attempted to fill Ant in, 'I’m fairly certain it’s not your common or garden 'flu?’
'Ok - so it’s what?’ a very worried Ant urgently pressed for answers.
'At this moment in time - I must admit that I really don’t know? We’re running some further tests…’
'Y'must’ve got some sort of idea?? He’s been throwing up for hours now, he’s burning hot, he’s anxious & he’s bloody worn out??’
'Which are all major concerns as his temperature is indeed through the roof & regarding the sickness even IV anti-emetics don’t seem to be of much use so far?’
'He’s still being sick??’
'We’re working on it…’
'Ok, god - this isn’t good right?’ Ant felt his first real pang of panic which, for him, was unusual.
'We’ve put a drip in place & Declan is receiving replacement fluids, salts & sugars, all of which can only be beneficial until we can find, then treat, the underlying cause of his sudden incapacitation.’
'But he’s still being sick, therefore whatever yer putting into him is coming straight back out?’
'Technically, I suppose you’re in a way right but it is rehydrating his system even if it is only short lived. Currently, we’ve adopted a 'better than nothing’ attitude. It’s reinforcing his circulation - therefore his heart - all these small measures have their place?’
'His heart??! Are y'telling us he’s at risk & he might even die?!’
'We’re doing all we can…’
'Oh my god?! Youse are?! That’s exactly what yer telling us?!’
'We’re up against the unknown so until we get to the root cause of Declan’s condition then all we can do is support & try to control what his blood cells would naturally do because at the moment his body has gone haywire; it’s weak, it’s not properly functioning & to put it bluntly, it’s basically gone all to pot. I’ll get back in there, I’ll organise you some tea…’
’D'rather coffee…’ Ant’s stunned lips muttered the words.
'Ok, coffee then. I’ll be back when I’ve new information - given what I’ve just said this is a stupid thing to say but try not to worry, despite everything he’s in the best place?’
Minutes later, Ant clung to his cardboard cup of coffee as if his own life depended on it; worrying was the only way to go with this surely, how could he not worry?? Only a relatively short few hours ago they were away, having the holiday of a lifetime but now it appeared that Dec was fighting for his life?
Nothing made sense, they’d gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.
An age passed then a stone-cold, untouched beverage was gently plucked from Ant’s hands; he was dreamy & staring now, having sat in this stark, boring room for hours with no further news, no updates & no reassurance whatsoever & only his imagination regarding what was happening at the other end of the corridor to occupy his mind.
He retained a chilled, stoic exterior though his mind was secretly, frenetically worried & morbidly stressed, something which this different, female doctor had already guessed at.
'Your coffee is cold?’ she set the cardboard down onto a stainless steel draining board which, like the sink, had seen much better days, 'how are you bearing up?’
’M'not sure that I am? I feel like I’ve been here forever & it cannat be much more than four o'clock?’
'It’s closer to five actually, not that it makes any difference? Would it be ok if I asked you some questions only we’re no closer to a diagnosis yet & it’s just possible that you might hold the key?’
'Me?? But how??’
'You’ve both been away on holiday?’
'Aye, so? We were together the entire time, we did nowt separately & whatever Dec did, I did, whatever I did, he did? We ate the same meals, slept in the same place at the same time - we went through the entire experience together so I dunno what I can tell youse that might be of any help??’
'You’ve not experienced any nausea, aches & pains, high temperature?’
'No.’
'Any 'flu-like symptoms at all??’
'Nowt pet? And neither did Dec until we got home? D'ya think this is connected to us going away?’
'It could be but we can’t be certain & we’re definitely not putting all our eggs in one basket as it could be totally unrelated.’
'I thought it was the food we ate last night? It was late, we’d been traveling all day & we were both tired so getting a takeaway seemed like an easy option?’
'But you’re not ill? If the food was to blame then it’s fair to assume that you’d doubtless be in the next bed - anyway, we’re certain that Declan does not have food poisoning?’
'Well it’s good that you’ve ruled sommat out?’
'But what does that rule in, that is our problem? All tests so far have drawn a great big blank? Look, I don’t want to scare you unduly but there has been a definite deterioration since Declan has arrived here today so anything that you can tell us, no matter how insignificant it might seem, could be the difference between life or death??’
Strangely for Ant, he paled now, 'if I knew, I’d say? We sat by the pool most of the time? Then he insisted on going for this boat trip on the last day & I couldn’t say no cos he’d been the model companion up until then.’
'Ok, so you went on an excursion? To where?’
'A little island that he had his heart set on seeing - Martha’s Vineyard.’
'And the weather was…??’
'Well, hot? Which made his decision all the more peculiar cos Dec hates the heat, it makes his hay fever worse & it brings out his freckles. Personally, I think they’re cute but he bloody hates them & the heat brings its own problems of course?’
'Like…??’
'He tends to get bitten? He was covered up like, from head to foot, he took all the usual precautions; repellent, hat, glasses, the lot but they still manage to get passed the jeans & long sleeved cotton shirt, it happens every time, we’d have been better off being in our budgies & stopping by the pool but he wouldn’t listen?’
'We’ve spotted the bites & have already tested for malaria, he absolutely does not have that?’
'Well then, I cannat help youse pet?’
'It could just be viral I suppose…?’ this doctor pondered, 'but if it is, it’s more instantaneously vicious than any virus I’ve ever seen? I need to do a bit more research, something is nagging at the back of my mind & I can’t dismiss that your holiday isn’t an innocent player in all of this, it’s just too much of a coincidence?’
'Can I see him?’
'I wouldn’t advise it, not until we know if whatever he has is contagious? We’re adopting barrier nursing for now, just to be on the safe side & protect the team.’
'Oh - but if it is contagious then I might already have it, I’m just not showing symptoms yet? Besides me mopping up the spew we’ve been joined at the hip for two entire weeks?’
'Hm. There’s a chance that you might be infected even if you are symptomless at the moment? Ok, so you stay in here & I’ll put this room out of bounds to anyone else barring medical staff. Don’t be alarmed if someone comes in kitted out in what looks like human warfare gear? We need to do some bloods on you too but I can’t risk the health of my staff. The tests won’t take long & I’ll rush through the results. I know it’s hard but sit tight, we’ll find out what this is ok?’
Like Dec, Ant wasn’t exactly partial to needles but as long as he didn’t look he was sort of alright whereas Dec would’ve needed to be scraped off the floor.
A nurse, clothed in combat gear, entered the room; she prepared all her vials, labels & everything else that went with it. She was nice enough though Ant could only catch the odd word as she was so togged up that she resembled a bee-keeper so her speech was more than a bit indistinct; he felt he came across as a muppet…
It was over in seconds & with a cotton wool ball & some tape slapped on his inner arm, all Ant could do now was wait.
And wait he did; minute after minute, long hour after hour. After his blood tests no one came in & he daren’t leave this room for contamination reasons; his phone didn’t ring either which was odd until he checked it & saw “no service” emblazoned across the screen, 'great,’ he mumbled to himself, 'I’ll bet bloody Sherlock is on the case be now - “The Story of the Disappearing Double Act” - no prizes for guessing who’ll play Declan…? Mind, this thing hasn’t rung so it’s not like we’ve even been missed yet?’ Ant thought aloud, 'I thought Phillip would’ve rung, or Stephen - Ali deffo should have, she knows my boy is not well? Ah fuck 'em, fuck 'em all, the long & the short & the tall. With friends like these…??’
Feeling sorry for his own welfare was not a trait Ant admired in himself, 'pull yerself together McPartlin,’ he took a few deep breaths, 'and if all else fails there’s just one thing left to do - call yer Mam…?’
All else did fail & minutes later Ant had escaped to the car park for a smoke where he used up some data to call home - proper home, that being Newcastle.
'Mam, it’s me?’
'Hello 'me’. So you’re back then? Did you enjoy?’
'Aye. It were great, at the time like, not so much now though…’
'Anthony? Sommat’s wrong??’
'I might be back in London but I’m at a hospital Ma, it’s Declan, he’s not been well since we got home?’
'In what way not well??’
'They don’t seem to know? I’ve been here hours now, they won’t let us see him, they’re barrier nursing him whatever that means & I’ve had to have blood tests an'all?’
'But you’re ok lad, are you??’
'So far?’
'And Declan will be too son, they’ll write him a script for penicillin & send him on his way, they’re really stretched & won’t want him taking up a bed?’
'I don’t think so Ma, he’s proppa ill like, they said they’re at a loss to know what to do cos they cannat fathom what’s wrong wi'him? What do I do Mam?’
'First of all, you do not panic ok? Doctors are notorious for scaremongering & that’s all this’ll be?’
'But they look worried?’
'They want a reaction son, they get off on it, it drives them, it’s their form of adrenaline? When was Declan taken poorly?’
'Early today.’
'And yesterday??’
'He was ok, good in fact, we went on a boat trip.’
'There you are then, he couldn’t have gone from being grand yesterday to knocking on heaven’s door today could he? Pay them only lip-service lad, Declan might have come down with an unexplained bug but because they can’t pin it down they’re putting the frighteners onto you which is really unfair but is what doctors do best. Whatever it is it’ll go as quickly as it came - but if you should start to feel ill…??’
'I’ll call youse Ma…’
'Promise??’
'Aye. I’ll let y'know how he is. Ma? Should I tell Anne like only I don’t wanna worry her if there’s nowt to actually worry about & Deccy won’t thank me if his lot come tearing down here?’
'If it was you I’d want to know but going from what you’ve said it’s only been a few hours so I’d maybe hang on? See how Declan is later tonight or even in the morning, you’ll be better informed by then & who knows, he might even be home?’
'I wanna take him home Ma, more than anything else on this planet??’
The fragile manner in which her son was talking worried Christine, 'you’re not holding back on me Anthony?’
'He’s just ill & I’m tired & I’m worried & I’m jet-lagged & there’s weeks’ worth of washing still dumped into suitcases? Ah I dunno Mam, I’ve never felt so alone?!’
'Do you want me to come down there??’
'No,’ Ant seriously but only briefly considered the offer until his rational side kicked back in, 'like y'said, he could be home tomorrow & I’m not having youse pointlessly rushing down only to accuse us of being a drama queen? It’s just been a really strange day?’
'Anthony please? A drama queen you are not & you never have been? Yer worrying me now??’
'Sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just needed to talk? Everyone needs their Mam sometimes right? I’m a bit emotional is all, like I said, I’m tired?’
'But you’re definitely not ill, promise me??’
'No Ma, I’m not ill, not yet, fingers crossed, but I could be any minute now I suppose…?’
'Lord God boy, don’t say stuff like that?! If you want me on the next plane, train or automobile then you just keep talking like this?!’
'I don’t, I’m fine - & Declan will be fine, I just needed to sound off, sorry Mam?’
'Stop apologising? I’m yer mother, it’s what I signed up to??’
'I know & there’s nobody else I’d rather have spoken to, Deccy excluded of course…?’
'You love him, it’s how it should be - though sometimes I think that you maybe love him too much…??’
'How the hell can y'love someone too much?! He’s been there at my side & been the centre of my universe for close on thirty years?? If loving someone too much is a crime then I’m guilty as charged?! I do not function wi'out him & he does not function wi'out me - I thought you’d gotten this years ago Mam?!’
'Oh I got you the day the pair of you met for the first time sweetheart?? The writing was on the wall from the word go?’
'Y'never objected though - why? I remember Anne going ballistic?? She played merry hell & not just for a week or two, it went on for years??’
'Different strokes darling? Anne came around to the idea, she just needed time, maybe she wasn’t quite as open-minded as I was?’
'Dec’s Dad was better about it - us - than she was?’
'But she got there & she adores you now so you can’t condemn her forever for her less than liberal attitude at the time? I know Declan isn’t well pet but what’s dragged all this up again?’
'I’m not sure? It’s just if he doesn’t get better & I’m forced to have to call her then she’ll be down here in hours & will take over like only Anne can - & I’ll feel like a nuisance & like he’s not mine anymore? She does it every time & he lets her - at the minute I just cannat cope wi'it? She makes us feel like an intruder in me own home?’
'First of all, Declan is going to get better & if - if - you have to tell his Mam & she should make her way down there then you have to be strong & meet her head on??’
'Eh??’
'Be king of your castle Anthony?? You’re not thirteen anymore, you’re a man, & a very successful one at that & someone who has taken immense care of her son so you do not let her put on you, take control or rule the roost - it’s your house, your relationship & what you says goes?’
'Met Anne have youse?’
'Yes son, many times & she got the measure of me on meeting number two I seem to recall? I said my piece & we’ve not had a crossed word since? If you want to be a doormat then that’s fine & it’s your business - but I won’t let the likes of the Anne’s of this world trample all over me? What you do is up to you, just don’t expect me to wade in & bail you out if you haven’t even attempted to stand your ground?’
'Hopefully it’s not gonna come to that? I don’t wanna argue wi'anyone over anything - I just want my boy home?’
'It might be a good time to drop the 'boy’ tag baby?’
'He’ll always be a boy to me, my boy - & if youse can still call me baby…??’
'Ok, point taken. You will always be my baby no matter how old or how successful you’ve been or should get in the future?’
'And if it all comes crashing down around us?’
'Then you’ll still be my baby…?? I love you for being you son, no matter what, just like you love Declan?? For a time, back in the day, it looked like you were both going to crash & burn - would any lack of success stopped you from loving him??’
'What d'you think?’
'I think not, obviously? When you’re meant to be then you’re meant to be, fame, money, success don’t enter into it?’
'I’d give it all away right this minute if he got better?’
'He will & you won’t have to ok? Positive thinking? I’m not understanding why you’re so down about everything??’
'Because it’s not like me is it?! I’m the tougher one, the logical one, the sort everything out & smooth things over one?! I’m bloody allowed to throw a wobbler once in a while & that once is today & it’s happening now Ma!!’
'Ok, that’s it, I’ll pack & I’ll be there…’
'No! There’s no need?! If I cannat talk to youse wi'out y'threatening to charge down here then what’s the point??!’
'The point is that this is not you?? You don’t panic, you don’t lose it but listening to you now you’re doing both?? It’s a natural, inbred instinct of a mother to be there for their child when sommat is wrong & I will be there for you if you’ll let me??’
'Just stay put Mam ok?? If owt gets worse then I’ll need youse here but at the minute all that’s going on is Declan being way too hot & throwing up, it’s probably sun-stroke or sommat equally trivial knowing him, he does like to get his money’s-worth out of an ailment??’
'None of this is sounding trivial, not given the way that you’re talking?’
'Jet-lag. I could do wi'a good kip in me own bed, like that’s gonna happen any time soon? I’d better go back in, I’m meant to be in isolation just in case I’ve got it too. I’ll call youse later Ma.’
'Make sure you do? I’m going to pack anyways, just in case I’m needed?’
'Let’s hope yer not eh? They’ve got yer contact details if I should, y'know, come down wi'owt so if a weird number comes up on yer phone…’
'There’s a very real possibility that you’re ill too isn’t there…??’
'Owt’s possible Ma? I’ll gi'youse a buzz later ok but if I don’t then somebody else will - I gotta go, I might have infected half of the car park be now. In case I don’t get a chance to tell youse again, I love youse Ma, & those little shit sprogs I grew up with - tell 'em that ok?’
'Anthony?!’
'Bye Mam,’ Ant quickly hung up then high-tailed it back to his 'quarantine’ sincerely hoping that he hadn’t been missed.
It looked like he hadn’t been because a good hour passed before anyone looked in on him.
'I could be dead on the floor for all the notice you’ve taken?’ he snapped at this doctor.
'We’ve checked in on you every ten minutes, you weren’t here despite being given strict instructions not to leave this room due to the possible contamination risk to the general public??’
'Oh…’
'Yes, oh?? Your actions could have seriously jeorpardised staff, patients & visitors, causing a widespread outbreak of God only knows what??’
'Could have?? So…?’
'Your blood tests came back clear - you’re not ill?’
Ant couldn’t help guiltily feeling a mild waft of elation, 'oh thank god…’
'You might not want to thank him after you’ve heard the second half of my news? You might be in the clear but Declan absolutely isn’t. He’s very much worse tonight, his lungs are now filling with fluid…’
'What?? But how?? He’s in a hospital?! Yer meant to prevent stuff like that from happening?!’
'We do our utmost - unfortunately we can’t perform miracles or halt whatever is causing his illness?’
'Y'still don’t know??’
'There are a few theories being bandied around but the majority of those are ridiculous & raised out of desperation? No test has provided us with any concrete answers - all we know is what we can see before us & we know one thing for sure; Declan's lungs filling with fluid can only mean that his situation tonight is a dire one, he's one very sick individual & at the moment we have no idea how to reverse that…’
A/D pairing. It's not true & it's not intended to be accurate. It's F-I-C-T-I-O-N...!!
'I like it here,' Dec took in his surroundings & genuinely smiled, 'I'll be sad to leave, I've never been to Boston before?'
'Well that makes two of us then, doesn't it?' Ant answered back, 'but the holiday is just about over now & we've got work to get back to?'
'Not for another couple of days we don't?'
'What d'ya wanna do??' Ant sighed because he knew this tone & something was most definitely on the cards.
'We're here, we've come all this way - & I've not asked for owt but there's one place I really wanna visit before I have to leave this beautifully green, crystal clear ocean for the rat-infested, polluted, very, murky Thames & boring, bloody leafy-green Chiswick?'
'Well it is leafy? It's pretty innit?'
'Not when y'suffer from hay fever it's not?? Plays hell with me sinuses.'
'Ok, where??' Ant tried to remain patient as he read these oh so familiar signs.
'I wanna go on a boat trip, over to Martha's Vineyard...?'
'You?? Go on a what?? Boat?? Remember 'sick' d'ya??'
'I'll take a pill? It'll be worth it? It's meant to be gorgeous there, real picturesque like??'
'Go on yer own.' Ant felt tired now so made a feeble suggestion.
'No Anth? It wouldn't be the same??' Dec refused to cooperate, 'I need youse there so that we can enjoy the experience then share the memories of it in years to come??'
'Whatever happened to going away to just bloody relax?? Why do we have to do stuff all the time Declan, I'm knackered man??'
'Do stuff all the time?? We've done bloody nowt?! Yer boring, that's what youse are...'
'What...??'
'Boring Anth?? And getting old?? Old before yer time, youse are??'
'What time?'
'What time what??'
'What time is the next bloody boat Dec that's what?!'
'Every hour, on the hour, I think anyways? Yer gonna come wi'us??'
'There's life in this old dog yet!' Ant bit at Dec's jibe, 'I'll get ready - but I'm doing this under protest ok? I'd much prefer to stretch out by the pool & soak up some last minute rays?'
'And I wouldn't ok?! You've soaked up enough rays this passed two feckin' weeks, I don't like the sun, which y'know, & I reckon it's time we did sommat that I wanna do before we hit the plane & end up back home?!'
With no realistic, logical or opposing argument, Ant begrudgingly gave in; Dec was right & they'd done precious little else other than vegetate by the swimming pool since they'd arrived at this place & Ant knew this was really not Dec's chosen mode of relaxation but up until now he'd weathered it & hadn't raised one single complaint - which, in itself, had to be some sort of record.
A relatively short boat ride & a few hours later, Ant's view of things had had a remarkable turn-around - so had Dec's.
'You were right?' Ant bravely admitted, 'it's a lovely place with lovely views & I was wrong to sit by a manufactured, maintained, chlorinated pool for two weeks? Next time we do it yer way - we sight-see, go places, see stuff?'
'I think they call it experiencing life??'
'Aye, well, then that?? Y'ok?'
'Sea-sick, I'll be alright in a minute or twelve.'
'I did warn about boats??'
'Aye & as usual y'were bloody right but please shut up now??! I've had me Kwells, I'm about to have another one because me guts feel like they're on a rollercoaster but I'd rather be sleepy than be feeling like this?!'
'Shit, ok? This was yer idea I'd like to point out??'
'And y'came wi'us Anth - am I meant to go down on bended knee??'
The idyllic day-trip soon plunged into a bickering session, especially after Dec had been practically eaten alive for hours on end by this island's tiniest inhabitants - then he had to endure another boat trip back to the mainland.
'I did say...??' Ant tried to dim down his mirth & just smile esoterically.
'I know ok?! Why do they never bite youse eh??'
'Y'had yer jabs, yer covered in repellent & yer up to date wi'malaria stuff? Yer dressed like it's January in Newcastle when it's about thirty plus bloody degrees?'
'They find their way in ok?? I cannat help it - d'ya think I wanna be bitten like this??'
Maybe y'taste too nice...??' Ant responded with an arched eyebrow.
'Maybe I do?' Dec thought about that suggestion because he knew he'd done everything possible, 'd'ya wanna do sommat about it later, when we get back? Y'could either confirm or deny those suspicions??'
'Nowt to be denied?' Ant sniffed under the floppy hat & sunglasses, into Dec's white t-shirted collar, 'if the smell is right then it's a pretty sure bet that the taste will be too?'
'And it's right is it, the smell?'
'It's never been wrong yet - how many years have I known youse??'
'Too many, probably?' Dec grinned now, suddenly the bites seemed insignificant, 'this boat trip is how long??'
'However long it is you'll just have to wait, won't youse eh?'
'But I need youse now...?'
'Aye, why not? The tourists will just politely close their eyes?' Ant tutted, 'that's assuming they're all British?' he cocked his eyes, 'Brits never complain?'
'Oh they do?'
'You do?'
'We don't go away that often Anth & when we do I want things to be right??'
'Things are right Declan? Be honest, things couldn't be better?? Now let's not miss this boat because there's a nice, air-conditioned hotel room wi'yer name on it & a willing participant to take the sting outta yer skin & inject it somewhere else...'
Dec was keen to begin with, possibly too keen because they got back to the mainland & his ardour had definitely dampened, 'I need a cold shower,' he moaned as the sweat trickled off him.
'Want company? I'm the dogs when it comes down to sponging??'
'Just gi'us an hour or two?' Dec tried some damage limitation, 'I think I've got overly hot like?'
'Hm, youse are a bit red? Y'had sunscreen on, right?'
'Aye, & a hat, & glasses, & all that goes wi'it when we ever go out anywhere wi'each other? I've applied, or taken, anything & everything from anti-histamines to bloody nappy rash ointment - well, not literally, but y'know what I mean? I'd love to go out wi'out having to dose meself up first? Yer so lucky - maybe that's why I love Newcastle so much, it's lower maintenance?'
'Oh Deccy, I know it's a pain but if yer susceptible to these things then it cannat be helped? We'll be home soon; it might not be home home but it'll be our home & you'll be more comfortable? You've been grand this past couple of weeks - thanks for coming wi'us, I know y'dont really go in for this sort of thing?'
'Skiing next time ok, I've decided? I'd rather risk a broken leg?'
Ant laughed, was in full agreement then took up his usual place by the pool while Dec had his shower. If he wasn't in the mood now after getting so over-heated then he wasn't in the mood & no amount of suggestive coaxing could change that so they did their own thing & parted company. An evening meal was eaten alone because Dec wasn't hungry - he preferred to rest on the bed, bathed in the cool whir of a desk fan & overhead ceiling fan; the air masses didn't quite coincide but what they produced was some sort of small comfort.
Ant ate his final American breakfast of pancakes while Dec did some last minute packing; they were soon London-bound, both opting for sleep over conversation - home was only a stone's throw away...
24 hours later, home...
He wasn't feeling the best - let's face it, he felt rank, if that was the honest answer but Dec didn't ever say a lot anyway, not at this hour of the morning; Ant was none the wiser so he got up early, like he always did & he went for a marathon walk, taking the dogs with him - he got back to, well, what did he get back to??
'Dec??? Deccy??' he sweatily trotted upstairs home to maybe not totally miss out on the remnants of morning glory; Dec usually appreciated the sweat, 'Alan said they've been no trouble...'
'Mmmmmm, uurrgghh......'
'Dec?? Jesus Christ's sake man?! DEC?!!!!'
'Urgh....sick,' Ant's partner threw up all over the carpet; Ant quickly found a bowl/pot/receptacle type of thing, it was adequate & more than capable of retaining what was left of last night's hastily & unwisely ordered chicken chop suey.
'Ok. So it's up now?' Ant stroked Dec's feverished head when he assumed this bout had stopped.
'Urgh,' Dec was shaking; he really tried his best to stay calm but, in the end, his lack of stomach control so won the day.
'We ate the same thing last night?' Ant pondered as he held a nauseous Declan, 'it's a bug? Y'must've gotta bug?? Shit, don't breathe on us like? M'not wanting to be catching that an'all??'
Dec again threw up - & then he repeated throwing up, then he couldn't possibly throw up anymore - yet he did, though by now it was just strange coloured watery stuff.
'I don't feel well Anth??'
'Y'dont say??'
'Get a doctor or somebody?? Oorrgghh!!'
'Youse are requesting a doctor?? Fuck, things must be bad??' Ant was worried now - doctors were to be avoided at all costs as were nurses, hospitals, in fact, anything medical.
'Oh god, m'so hot??'
'Declan - yer shivering??'
'Hot, urgh, sick again, bleurghhh...'
'Ok so I'm gonna call nhs direct?? If there is a bug going around then they'll know about it? If not, I'll call out a doctor?'
Ant fired up his tablet then answered a ridiculous amount of pointless, unrelated questions, 'how can they even tell what's wrong wi'youse just by going from this??'
Dec was still being sick so he didn't honestly care, 'I wanna die...'
'No y'dont so just shush. You've gotta bug, probably - Jesus I could write these enquiries & answer the bloody things & I've never been to medical school in me life?!'
'Oohh, argghhh, Anth??!' Dec hurled again, 'feel awful like?'
Ant cast his iPad to the floor, 'ok, there's maybe a bit of panic setting in here but whichever way it goes, y'need to regain control Declan ok?? Nose in - deep breath. Mouth out - & no hiccups??'
All the coercing in the world couldn't stop this & Ant had to admit that Dec had properly tried.
Dry heaving continued apace but Dec couldn't stop it come love nor money; Ant was forced to ring their Harley Street practice.
'It's just a bug,' he was told by a receptionist, 'there's a lot of it around? Fluids, stay off solids, it'll resolve itself?'
'Fluids??' Ant bickered, 'he cannat even keep his own spit down like, let alone neck down bloody fluids?!'
'It's a bug? A twenty four hour thing? It'll pass? Get him drinking? Even small sips of water means that something will go in & be retained? It all helps to ward off dehydration??'
'I'd like to speak to a doctor please, fuck knows we're paying enough??'
'No problem - the cost of a personal consolation will be added to your phone bill & reclaimed from there - want to proceed on the premise of a tummy bug do you & please curb the language??'
Ant took one very brief look at a still retching & ever-increasingly greying Declan, 'yes?! I don't really care how much it costs because I've seen him not well before & this - this, is really not well?!'
'Fine,' the receptionist sighed, 'but there'll be a long delay, the waiting room is full & there's a queue of patients wanting call-backs.'
'But he's ill??!'
'999???'
'Oh yer a great bloody help youse are?!'
'I'm just doing my job sir?'
'And don't I bloody know it?! I get slagged off for doing me best pet - what's yer excuse??!'
'We do not tolerate abuse??'
'Why not - we have to?!'
'Your choice for which you get reimbursed handsomely so I'm sure you can shoulder any criticism that should come your way - I'm only here to keep a roof over my children's heads so if you've quite finished??'
'God I hate receptionists?!'
'I'm not keen on midget, Geordie entertainers but I'm adult enough to keep my opinions to myself & act professionally??'
'I want a home visit.'
'For a bug? I really don't think so...'
'Today. As soon as. Get somebody here cos we've just got back off holiday & I've got a bad feeling about this??'
'I'm guessing we're not talking Clacton?'
'The States??!'
'Hardly Outer Mongolia then? They are quite civilized in the US of A I believe, they have doctors & a medical service & can even take temperatures??'
'Cut the crap & get somebody here ok before me other half collapses from chucking up too many biscuits?!'
'So eloquent...'
'Doctor. Here. Today. As soon as? I'm not asking - I'm telling!'
A fuming Ant had just ended the call when Ali arrived, 'aren't you supposed to look relaxed & refreshed after a holiday?' she grimaced at Dec, 'you look ok though Ant but oh god, look at him.'
'He's not well.'
'Yep, got that - travel sickness again?'
'I dunno? A combo of everything I reckon; too much sun, heat, long journey & all finished off by a dodgy Chinese last night.'
'But you're ok?'
'Dec doesn't have my constitution.'
'He doesn't look well mind?'
'Stop talking about us like I'm not here??' Dec heaved again, 'm'in the room like?!'
'As well as being in a mood...' Ali tutted, 'See you later possibly - if he's contagious then I don't want it thanks.'
'Yer all heart Al,' Dec baulked out his words, 'urghh, this - not good... uurrgghh.'
Ali left, Ant was in at the deep-end; there were a couple of weeks of holiday laundry to see to but right now he couldn't leave Dec.
'Maybe go up to bed?' Ant suggested as he was itching to crack on, 'try sleeping whatever it is off?'
More sickness was the only reply & a few hours of this saw Dec not just jet-lagged but dehydrated & exhausted. He was flopped onto Ant's shoulder when Ali had an attack of conscience & called back to the house just after lunch.
'He's been like this all morning??' she now looked concerned.
'I'll call a different doctor, this is ridiculous, he's obviously more than a little bit ill.'
Money talked & a doctor was at the house in half an hour; Dec, by now, had nothing left to be sick with & was just laying limply on the living room sofa, he was emitting the odd groan but he wasn't really with it which was recognized immediately.
'And this started this morning?' The doctor talked as he did his checks.
'Well he was a bit off colour yesterday like,' Ant relayed the story, 'we were away but he's gotten so much worse since we came home?'
'It could be a 'flu-type of bug, he's certainly got a raging temperature. There's a multitude of things it could be; I'll arrange an ambulance, we'll get some tests done.'
'Hospital??' Ant was spooked, 'for 'flu??'
'Look at him?' Ali coaxed, 'his eyes are in the back of his head? If nothing else he needs fluid put back into him??'
'But he'll hate it?'
'And if he stays here like this he could die??'
'He has to go in,' the doctor insisted, 'there really isn't an option? I'm afraid he's very unwell at the moment?'
Ant had nursed his partner through some pretty grim times but even he had to admit that he'd never seen him this bad before - & if they rested a little on their laurels & went along with the 'flu theory then they were a million miles away from the truth because Dec was, in fact, far sicker & getting to the root cause of that was going to be neither quick or easy...
party he’d ever been to because he wasn’t recalling much of it; the next thing Stephen knew after arriving & having a drink thrust into his hand was seeing Dec in the half light of what was presumably early morning & he was sort of inanely grinning at him - but was it mirth or more in hope than expectation?
He was also holding his hand - which suggested the option of either.
‘Well hello,’ Dec warmly smiled, 'how d'ya feel now? Maybe y'had one over the eight but yer back wi'us now, wi'me any-roads.’
'Where - am - I….??’ Stephen babbled in stupid, almost child-like fashion.
'Oohh! Really good party then!! Yer still at mine Stephen? Me birthday bash remember? Yer me last guest. To be truthful, yer actually flat out in me back garden but hey, it’s been ages since I’ve ventured out here for this long, I’ve been sitting wi'youse for a while now, I might even have stroked yer hair at some point, sorry for that cos I was a bit pissed but it was me birthday - though yer quite lucky I found youse at all if I’m honest, the barby was well finished?’
'I’m - in your - back garden? Oh…’ was this a dream or maybe a euphemism? Bloody hell, of course it wasn’t, pull yourself together man & sober up, 'I er, I’m outside, I thought I felt cold…?’ Stephen tried to regain some sort of sense.
'Well it is the warmest September night for a hundred odd years but I have given this situation some thought & I covered youse over cos y'shivered a fair bit but yer kinda bigger than us so picking youse up on me own & taking youse inside was a complete no-no & everyone else left cos they were incapable?’
'I’d better go too,’ Stephen tried to get up, 'oh god,’ he slumped straight back down again, 'unrealistic…urgh…’
'I’ll line the Pinot bottles up in a bit, y'can see just how many y'knocked back…’
'Oh fuck, did I - really?’
'Well aye - that’s a good enough reason innit that yer sprawled out on me lawn like?’
'Not in any dog shit I hope?’
'Hopefully not but who can say & I’m still a bit tiddly meself so I’m not making any promises?’
'Ok, dog shit - so I might just chuck up now…uurrgghh…’
'No y'won’t cos that means I will an'all & yer not the only one wi'a weak stomach - think nice thoughts, I dunno, butterflies or sommat?’
'Butterflies…??’ Stephen’s head spun though he was now already swayed away from the subject of being sick.
'Well their multicoloured moods of love are like their satin wings - is that how it goes? Oh I dunno, it were years back & I were a kid, poetic mind, I just remember bits of it.’
'Bits of what?’
'Butterflies?? Might have been called sommat else actually but I loved the Mam who couldn’t cook at all cos I think I might have subconsciously modelled meself on her in me formative years?’
'Oh Jesus, you Dec, are a terrible cook - you’re worse than I am & I’m the bloody pits.’
'Get kicked out of back gardens often d'ya??!’
'No - I don’t recall that many complaints… ahem, anyway…if it was always as nice as this I might start taking it up? Sleeping - in gardens… It could be my new hobby?’
’D'ya wanna sit up or want a pillow or cushion only yer a bit flat?’
'I don’t do pillows Dec, this is how I sleep every night when someone is with me -but flat or not I’m usually, always, asleep with less clothes on…’
Dec’s 'that can be arranged straight right now’ remained silent, 'ok, so flat &…’
'Naked - I don’t have fancy red shorts like you apparently do…?’
'Did y'like 'em though - y'did, didn’t youse eh??’
'No. God no? They’re bloody awful & if you were ever in my bed you absolutely would not be wearing those!’
“In your bed” Dec thought quietly - “oh fuck” came to mind - literally.
'So are youse stopping out here or what only it’s like four in the morning & I’m assuming the sun will be up very soon which means it’ll bake youse alive if today’s figures are owt to go by?’
'Hm - the sun - will be - up…’ Stephen momentarily digressed, 'It won’t be light until nearly seven will it - it gives us plenty of time…’
'For what?’
'I’m not sure I should say it…??’
'Why not? Go on, be a devil…’
'Ok - so I wouldn’t object if you hopped in under this duvet thing that you’ve put over me…? And I honestly am really cold now so, as my host, we could share a bit of body heat, you could warm me up - it’s really the proper & hospitable thing to do on your part - at least, I think so…?’
'Ah - but we’ve no pillow see…? Just cos youse cannat use one it doesn’t mean I can go wi'out?’
'Who needs a pillow - when you have a shoulder…?’
'Y'want us to…lay? On yer shoulder…??’
'Do you not want to…?’
'Did I say that?’
'Waking up under the stars together? I can think of nothing more perfect…? You mentioned the word…’
'The word…? Stephen what?’
'You said the love word? It might have been in reference to butterflies but it cropped up - & if you hadn’t wanted me to stay here you would’ve kicked me out, put me in a taxi & sent me packing like you seem to have sent everybody else & I wouldn’t have heard a peep from you until at least January? Yet we’re here in your garden - alone… Am I staying…?’
'Looks like it…? That duvet not warm enough for youse pet because if it’s not…’
'Hop in Dec - please come warm me up…there’s parts of me that’s freezing…’
With his heart pounding but probably for no reason, Dec pulled back the duvet; a brief & very accidental glance off a face confirmed that Stephen was indeed feeling the chill yet Dec still managed to rest onto a warm, softly shirted shoulder.
He pulled at the duvet, replacing the cover.
'This is, well - it’s different…?’ he felt excited by this new contact, 'but youse are a bit cold like…?’
'My lips are not, I don’t think… Test them if you want to, I really don’t mind…?’
'Er…? Neighbours…’
'Do you care? It’s four in the morning & if they’re not in bed then they should be, otherwise let them look?’
'Look at what…?’
'Are you as green as this grass that we’re laying on? This,’ Stephen’s hand grabbed Dec’s then placed it into his rigid lap, 'wants you?’
'What?? Really??’ Dec took a moment before he knew he was up for it too, 'Out here??!’
'Hm - why not out here, it’s the best time of day & a wonderful night/morning for it…? You’re hard too, I can feel you pressing against me…’
'Oh fuck…’
'Mm - yes please…’
With a non-existence will, Dec succumbed so very easily meaning Stephen could hardly believe his luck. His hangover disintegrated the second he’d begun undressing this man - hungry foreplay then sex on the cool grass, which followed quite quickly with Stephen really eager but Dec even more keen to be had - unless his haste was to reach completion before the postman arrived.
They weren’t exactly quiet given the hour & both announced their individual “I’m going to cum” orgasms - Dec first, as being pummeled & manhandled, face down, under the camouflage of a duvet, in his own garden, couldn’t really be argued with - but a few more thrustings of strong hand-holding hips saw Stephen empty himself into someone who so far had just been a colleague.
'Now what?’ Dec asked as they collapsed afterwards into each other, he was satiated now but loved the nakedness between them as his hands were allowed - invited - to further explore.
'I’m not sure but shit, I enjoyed that…?’ Stephen laid back as he enjoyed the touching of these strange but wanted fingers, 'do you think it’ll ever happen again…?’
'I’m seeing someone…?’ Dec had his first pang of guilt - yet he didn’t cease with the exploration.
'So am I…?’
'Back to being friends then I suppose?’
'Yeah, friends - & this is & was just between us Dec, right??’
'Aye. Obviously? I loved it though, it was exciting, even if I probably do have grass stains on me knees…’
'Oh hell, then so do I - can I get cleaned up before you evict me? I can’t go back home looking like this?’
'Course y'can - get a shower, bath, whatever - I could wash youse all over meself, if y'wanted us to…?’
'Got a sponge have you…?’
'Aye. It’s got Stephen written on it & it’s pre-loaded wi'baby oil…’
'It is a bit cold out here now actually?’ Stephen considered the hint; he stood up then also drew Dec to his feet, 'bathroom, baby oil, sponge - lead on, I’m such a dirty boy…’
'Mm, I reckon I’ve just learnt that - so we’re still friends then, this changes nowt cos I’m not leaving who I’m with? I don’t love youse or owt never mind how much I fancy youse? Cos I do, always have, I’ve just never said like?’
'Well I think our status might have just possibly changed but yes, we’re just 'good’ friends - what do they call it though - oh yes, I know, friends - we’ll be butterfly friends, free to fly & with the best of benefits…’
blakekathryn
andulkaphoto
baratheonpilled
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
discoholicmusic
prguitarman
izzy806
annaxmalina
