@sapphofreemefromthiscurse - Tumblr Blog

I love my birdies so muchhhh they so silly and i love em

#on the day i called off the only thing i did aside from sleeping was to clean their cage #which took me 1.5 hours #im the only one who is doing the daily care for them in the household #but theyre so cutie ;-; and i love em #i hope they trust me #and cloudy turns out to be a cuddly baby hopefully

I watched Lady Bird and binge watched Crashed on Netflix yesterday. Also the short film Heart Shot and i need a girlfriend like Nikki there.

#waiting for Adults s2 #bc its my comfort show and i loved the first season and i want more of those dorks

I think i still have a slight fever

I deserved better. I deserve better.

#not setting for things that are not enough for me just because its the only one i have #better to not have it than to disrespect myself and have a half assed version

I am not going down that road again. This is a written declaration that i am not doing that again.

Why am i doing this to myself

#with all kindness babygirl #please stop #you know its not good for you #so just stop doing it

Couldnt go to the concert i was so excited for with my friend

#im sorry metric :( i wanted to be there so bad #still have a fever and just not in the mental state for it #couldnt sell the tickets so 80 bucks down the drain and i feel pissed at myself for it

Called off work bc i legit couldnt get out of bed and my throat was hurting

Friends came in to check on me and went "oh shit you Are sick." When they saw me

I look kinda horrible

#i get to be selfish here so i will talk about how the funeral affected me #i have red dots around my eyes ive never gotten them before but apparently you can get them after crying a lot #i feel so beat down #i was home the whole day the only thing i did was to clean my budgies cage #a good deep clean that took me 1.5 #including trying to get them back in #bc cloud is a sweetheart and will get in but olive is a lil sweet dumdum with zero depth perception and no trust in humans #so olive made his way upstairs and my sweet birdie was Stressin #had to put the cage back together and get cloud in it and then carry the cage upstairs and try to get olive in it #and then of course cloud escaped while we were trying to get olive in #twice #anyways #poor babies were so stressed but they have a much nicer cleaner house now #they already pooped on the branches i scrubbed with toothbrush for them ✨#i also cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the living room #and then i slept #and watched reels #and try to recover bc im tired af both physically and emotionally

That was one of the hardest things ive ever done.

Hardest thing i did for a friend.

Couldnt sleep much last night, like 4 hours. Woke up at 7am and we were at their house at 9am.

Had coffee with her, they tried to make her mom eat something.

Went to the mosque at 1pm, she started crying as soon as we entered. Seeing my friends and all of us being there for each other helped. Just subtle pats on the shoulder or holding hands or holding each other while the other one cried. We tried to be there for her. We prayed and went to the cemetery at like 2-3pm

That shit was hard. At one point i started to zone out, i couldn't comprehend it was her dad on the ground. People took turns to shovel and fill it. A logical part of my brain was going, "thats her dad. In there. He is not coming back this is it. There are bugs around." But i couldn't comprehend it or make myself believe it.

It was right under the afternoon sun, it was hot. We all had long sleeves and hijabs. She was crying. We sat on the dirt. Watch people take turns with the shovel. Watch it fill up. It didnt seem real. Her mom was crying out loud. She was crying. It was so fucking hard to witness.

They put flowers on the grave. We prayed.

Got to their home at 5pm and stayed till 11.30pm. It was crowded, we prayed. We ate upstairs, she couldnt eat much because her dad used to love that food. She fell asleep on her dads rocking chair, we went downstairs.

Whole day was a constant cycle of crying and recovering and crying again. It was hard. Im exhausted.

I looked at her and saw myself, i looked at the ground and saw my dad.

We got home, i hugged my dad and broke down sobbing. I asked him to never leave. I cant do it without him. I never want to go through that. I love him, im not as strong as her i cant take it.

So that was hard af

He passed away today. I selfishly thought about my own dad few times. If hed be affected by it so bad something bad would happen to him. He was ok.

Thank god i had my other 3 friends there, we all waited in the hospital together. Got there at 4 till 8, he passed away at around 4.30.

At the hospital she didnt give any signs she wanted us there, barely answered to our physical touch initiations.

It was somehow healing to see everyone around me cry, my friends, the moms the dads. It helped that we were all there to experience the grief together.

He was a lovely person, so sweet and soft, like my dad. I didnt meet much people like my dad from his colleagues. They were alike.

Ive never experienced death, the closest one was my grandpa but he was at the age of 96 and we werent in touch few years prior his death. So i didn't feel much and didn't get to attend the funeral.

I'll be attending my first funeral tomorrow. Its for my best friends dad. I more care about how its going to affect her than being upset for him.

I feel like thats the thing with death, thought of it doesn't scare me. How it affects the ones left behind is unbearable to think about.

When we got to their house she went upstairs to her mom, and she hugged her, started crying im just so tired mom, im so tired.

I felt so useless and helpless. Didn't know what to say. I held her hand hoping shed take it. At the end she was crying in my arms.

Never have i ever cried this much in a day i think. The atmosphere was like nothing i experienced before.

Told her im sorry for not being for her more before, that i am here for her, and not only today but the ones after too. I asked her to let me be there for her, let me shoulder her struggles. I know shed do the same for me.

Any small task i could made me feel like i was doing something. We stayed with my mom till 12.30 after all the guests have left, to clean up the house and wash the dishes. I just want her to see that i Want to be there for her, this is not a show im putting up i Do want to be there for her, even if she wants me or not.

#this summer was surely something #well see how the funeral goes #its tomorrow

Also started praying bc its lowkey helping me ground myself and feel a sense of relief that i am doing Something for her and her dad.

Like thats all she ever asked, to pray for him. So i am doing it.

And it's helping me too

#it helps me self reflect #like when im praying verbally it makes me put the things i wish for make more sense in my head #if that makes sense #instead of a messy thought #i put them in order #also it sorta feels like manifesting #or like making a wish at 11.11 #also saying the prayers in arabic feels like doing a magic spell #and that also feels like this witchy spell vibes #idk man i feel good doing it its bringing me calmness #also the fact my mom probably thinks i stopped doing drugs and praying now is a pro as well ngl #i wanna reclaim my faith so bad #i need to talk to some queer muslims

Genuinely like fuck all the problems ive ever had

#thinking about my friend and what she's going through #everything seems so small compared to that #being human is fucked because what do you mean the thing that snapped me back to reality and made me stop being a pathetic meow meow #is that my friends dads cancer got worse #like all these horrible things are happening around the world and yet you dont realize it until someone close to you is affected #you have to relate to it on a personal level

Maybe i should join a pickleball team

I was sad no friend ever checked up on me when i told them i was going through a break up. And yet its nothing compared to what she was going through. We all knew, her dad had cancer. Yet i didnt ask. Just from time to time which she answered sort of ambiguously. But i shouldve talked with her more, i shouldve created a safe space for her, shouldve been a better friend. I shouldve fucking reached out.

Maybe i should become religious

#the thing is i dont even care about death for myself #i just worry about the ones left behind #the family he'll be leaving behind #his only daughter #the pain of dealing with that #it did brought me a sense of calmness when we prayed for her dad today #like i did my part. i did what i could #knowing this is the way to help her rn #its at least something #idfk #i just worry my dads gonna get heartbroken so bad something will happen to gim #or i just keep thinking about a scenario whete my dad learns im gay abd he cant take it and he dies and then i have to live with the fact #i killed my dad that its my fault #i keep thinking how fragile my dad is and how much it hurts him to see all his close friends pass one by one

I shouldve been a better friend. Shouldve asked her how she was doing, instead of complaining about my own problems all the time. I cant believe she kept it all to herself i literally shouldve asked her more. Let her open up. I feel like i fucked up. I just thought she wanted space and didnt wanna talk about ongoing struggles. But i think i just ignored it all. I dont know how to react when to reach out i know she needs our support but i just dont know how to do that, how do you even support your friend when her dad is on his deathbed.

#suddenly all my problems seem so small #she did so much #to support her family #shes like a little sister to me i hate that i cant fix it for her its shartering my heatt

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