🦢

i just wait 'till you're happy

[sentimntls]

𝑆𝐸𝑁𝑇𝐼𝑀𝑁𝑇𝐿𝑆, ──── a study in being the "nice girl," passivity as a fatal flaw, and self discovery following a lifetime of swallowing what you really mean. a dependent blog for 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐡𝐪 written by kate (she/her)

⋆ 𝑴𝑰𝑳𝑨 𝑨𝑳𝑪𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑨, the angel, 25, maris racal. 💌 int. isms. vis. pins.

[sentimntls]

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝟎𝟐: 𝐺𝑅𝑂𝑊𝑇𝐻𝐴𝑅𝐶 !

does your muse have any short or long-term goals? what are they?

short term: smooth over all the conflict in her life. ana, milo, hell, even easy merritt and devon.  long term: bounce back from the divorce, find a relationship that makes her happier. #malecentered these are both examples of why mila should never get what she wants.

what is holding your muse back in life? are they aware of this? are they doing anything about it?

her fundamental desire to people please and her belief that her worth comes from being “the nice one”. is she aware of this…. that’s a good question. i think i would say kind of? i think mila feels the personal constraints that this presents her, the way she holds herself back when it comes to expressing her opinions and needs, and how she is willing to neglect herself for others. i wouldn’t say she has an understanding of how it’s doing everyone a disservice because it leads her to end up losing her mind and making selfish decisions like cheating on her husband. and she’s making little steps to look out for herself, but she’s also plagued with guilt the whole time so.

what steps could your muse take to make headway on what's holding them back?

similarly to merritt, therapy could help. but that’s boring. she should just blow up her life so she’s forced to start over. oh wait….

where does your muse want to be in one year's time? is this feasible?

the lioness does not concern herself with mila’s desires. this is because mila doesn’t really see her life changing that much in a year. she’s like oh maybe it would be nice to be in another serious relationship in a year :) just chilling at portal and in colossal :) and like sure that’s FEASIBLE (maybe. idk who would want her ass but i digress) but i’ll kill her off if that happens idgaf. EYE want mila to have gotten her shit figured out enough to be ready to try and leave colossal. 

what is something that needs to happen to your muse before they can make any realistic growth?

realistically, the other shoe needs to drop with her affair. this is an uphill battle for me, kate, because mila would rather kill herself than have people know, but we will be taking that out of her hands. i think once she, and everyone else, is forced to contend with the fact that she’s not a perfect angel that’s never done anything wrong, she can attempt to build an identity outside of that. tangentially, i think the mounting tension with ana provides a similar kind of path. 

does your muse surround themselves with people who help or hinder their growth?

no shade to anyone, as it’s not anyone’s fault, but i think basically everyone in colossal (the town, not the group) hinders mila’s growth LMFAOOO it’s her own fault too, but the way i see it is that mila has put herself fin a box, and it’s a really convenient box for her to be in for everyone else because she’s nice and self-sacrificing. for her to get out of it, it would be inherently grating for the people in her life because she would be acting selfishly. she feels burdened by the expectation to be what she’s always been, and i think the expectations are external as much as they are internal. it’s hard to reinvent yourself when you’re in the town you grew up in. that said, shane has acted as a counter to this thus far. everyone say thank you shane!

[hayesonthecourt]

Dev's head tilts a smidge at that, like she wasn't expecting Mila to take her comment to heart. And okay, maybe it was a little too out of left field, even if Dev feels justified in making her stance in their situation apparent.

"What?" She huffs, the exhalation coming out through her nose, and her eyes shift away from Mila's face. While she remains staunchly on Milo's side without even having been asked, she does dull her own sharp edges slightly.

Slightly.

"The horns thing? It was a joke."

She taps the cheap plastic points on her head, even when the slump of Mila's shoulders and her eyes dropping instill the most mild form of guilt. It's a feeling that won't fester, even if there was no provocation to support her decision to throw a stray.

"I can't decide if you're inherently devilish, you two are adults. It is what it is, your lives to figure out," Dev says in her own swift self defense, and dismissive attitude toward it all. "But he's my friend, so take that how you will."

Maybe a little too blunt, but it's out there. "Why are you hiding out here?"

[sentimntls]

though mila takes anyone disliking her as a personal failure, devon’s words hit her particularly hard precisely because she’s milo’s friend. it’s easy to read into venom directed her way as coming from milo, challenging the carefully built reality mila has crafted. ever since she decided that divorce is her only path forward, she’s clung to the idea that it’s what’s best for both of them. the decision is not just that she could be happier, but because he could too. even if he doesn’t see it yet, there’s a part of him that knows this is the case — just like there is inside her. but if his friends are this upset with her, does that mean she’s wrong? is milo miserable? has this whole thing been a horrible, selfish mistake? “oh,” she mumbles dumbly as devon points out that she was joking. not a very funny one, she thinks to herself. her eyes jerk back to devon as she explains, though it does little to soothe mila’s anxieties. “he’s my friend too,” mila insists, though she no longer knows how true that is.  “i just — it was hot. in there.” without much though, she tacks on, “and loud,” unconsciously echoing devon’s observation upon leaving the stone house. “i just needed a break. what about you? are you having a good night?”

[easyryder]

Easy takes the popcorn gratefully, already swiping a few pieces off the top before Mila's fingers have fully released. He sits down, doubly grateful Petey's a considerate boss ( or maybe just a realistic one ) and allowed a couple chairs behind the counter for when it slows down during screenings. His brows arch as he chews and swallows - fast so he can get out a soft noise of indignation.

"Those two are at least good. Airheads had so much potential and threw all their scriptwriter budget into casting. I'm hoping Dario will bring by an edible so I can snag a bite and actually enjoy that one." Airheads has its moments, sure; Easy can't focus on anything but the waste. He leans back, pops a few more kernels in and crunches down.

"I won't. I have it on good authority he secretly loves musical movies so he'd be pretty disappointed in you for forgetting that one." Easy offers her a teasing quirk of his lips and a tilt of the bin - popcorn is best shared. "So you better pay attention this time around."

[sentimntls]

“really? isn’t that kind of a waste of a good cast? if you don’t give them good material?” mila has always loved movies. they’re the safest way for her to experience everything she’s never been brave enough to get herself; she can go anywhere in the world, make impulsive, selfish decisions, access emotions she’s walled herself off from. but she’s never been as interested in what happens behind the scenes. julien and easy can rattle off facts about filming that she never even considered looking for, like where the budget went to. she’s always admired easy’s love of film — filmmaking, really. or maybe she’s envied it? she wonders what it’s like to have a passion he could make a life out of. what it’s like to have a passion at all. “does he really?” mila leans in closer to easy like he’s sharing the juiciest piece of gossip. which, he kind of is, along with his popcorn. her eyes drop to the offering; she takes a few pieces. “does your source know his favorites?” she lets herself believe it’s hairspray, rather pleased by the thought of cynical, antisocial petey enjoying divine’s performance. or maybe he relates to gentlemen prefer blondes and he has big plans for his life post-divorce?  her gaze flicks up to easy again, taking in his features for just a moment before looking away again. “okay, i will. just don’t distract me.”

[hartattck]

setting : portal movie rentals, friday afternoon status : closed for @sentimntls

it was all hands on deck at portal preparing for the marathon that day, and that meant getting to work with people and pairs julien normally didn't get a chance to. right now, it's mila and easy, neither unknown to him as individuals but a new pair. a pair that has been interesting so far. or maybe julien's just not use to the fact that mila's newly single and technically considered a harmless target for easy's ... habits. it's hard to say for sure, but given that he sees easy like his own brother and is fond of mila the way one might be a puppy, he would at least like to have a clearer picture.

❝ you seem distracted, ❞ is how he chooses to start the conversation when easy has to step away for something, ignoring entirely whether she actually has or not.

[sentimntls]

it’s already been a long day, but mila’s doing her best to ignore that, as she’ll be on the clock through the entire movie marathon. it’s a problem of her own making, having readily volunteered to work the whole thing. she’s going to be there anyway, she’d said with a shrug, she might as well help out however she's needed.  but at least julien’s back, and she’s always happy to work with easy. or, she's usually happy to work with easy. there had been a few weeks there where she had dreaded it, but now she’s adapted to their new normal. which is coincidentally a lot like their old normal. mila just treats him the same way she did before filing a divorce complaint; he’s just a friend, her favorite coworker that’s definitely never gone down on her. sure, she’s slipped up here and there — said something flirty or been a little too affectionate — but not enough that anyone would notice. …right? “i do?” mila turns to face julien, wide eyes blinking in confusion. “i’m sorry. what do you need me to do?”

[grantwishs]

at first, ana thinks mila is joking. the only rational explanation is mila found out about ana and easy’s conversation at the party and she’s attempting to make light of the situation. there’s an extremely long pause after the news breaks— ana waiting in anticipate for a smirk, a giggle, anything. and yet, there’s nothing. it’s quite the opposite, actually. the room is drained of all it’s good energy and that relief she felt a moment ago is short lived. apparently the loyalty ana was so proud of isn’t as unconditional as she’d like to believe. once she’s grasped the severity of the subject matter, ana’s eyes begin to sting with the threat of tears. don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. “oh my god,” she scoffs. in real time, she can feel the emotion of disappointment flip to anger. and maybe jealousy? no, there's no cause to be jealous. she's mad and that's it. easy put her through the wringer with victor, leaving their discussion concerned she went too far. it shouldn't be her place to tell him to stay away from her friend. but, he heard what she said and just went straight for another, proving her right. “easy? you kissed easy? why? he sucks!” she pushes herself off the floor, frantically darting to her feet. “why would you do that? milo was there,” i was there, “what if he walked in?” what if i walked in? now that ana knows it was a possibility, she’s glad she walked in on victor and easy. if she had to stumble upon any of his hook ups that night, at least it wasn’t this one. it would have truly broken her. and if milo hears what happened, it may as well break him too. the metaphorical body of their relationship hadn't even been cold yet. ew, what is she even doing? defending milo? never in her life did ana expect mila would do something as terrible as force her to milo's side of a divorce. however, as awful as it is, she's happy to hide behind a newfound sympathy for milo. she can also use a hatred for easy to her benefit. this is good, because then she won't have to determine the real reason as to why her stomach is in knots, why her muscles are so tense, or why her heart is beating so fast. “i’m going to throw up.”

[sentimntls]

mila shrinks into herself as the silence stretches between them, hugging her legs closer to her chest. she pulls her sleeves over her hands, wishing she could disappear. typically, it’s easier to be honest with ana, because mila never has anything bad to share. tonight, however, all her flaws are on display. it can’t be more than a few seconds of waiting, but that’s more than enough time for mila to expect the worst.  despite thinking she properly braced herself, ana’s tone makes mila flinch.  “he doesn’t suck,” mila mumbles in half-hearted defense of both her friend and her decision making ability. then, ana brings up milo, and it’s confirmation of all her worst fears. of course she’s a bad person for not thinking of milo, and she’s even worse for not regretting it. “i don’t know, i was drunk, i wasn’t thinking.” mila lets herself believe that’s true, despite knowing full well she was thinking perfectly clearly. but maybe, if she insists it was a mistake, ana will go easier on her. “i don’t know, but he didn’t walk in. no one knows. except the three of us.” well, and shane.  beneath her desperate attempts to appeal to ana sits a seed of annoyance. ana has never liked that mila and milo were together. she was been rooting for them to breakup for almost as long as they were together. but now that they’re divorcing, and mila’s acting like it, ana’s thinking of milo’s feelings? shouldn’t her best friend be happy she’s getting drunk and kissing cute boys? is there no way for her to win? still, she’s mila, so she’s going to try. “i’m sorry, ana. please don’t be mad at me," she pleads, blinking back tears.

[hayesonthecourt]

CLOSED STARTER for @sentimntls when & where: 11:00 pm on february 28th at the after party

Devon steps outside while adjusting a pair of plastic devil horns someone had shoved onto her head earlier, the cold air hitting her face after squeezing out of the packed basement. She exhales slowly, then catches another figure out there.

"I forgot how loud it could get in there."

She says it before she clocks who she sees, and when Mila's face registers her otherwise placid expression shifts into one of contempt.

"Oh. Hi."

Mila may not have done anything to her personally, but considering her place in Milo's tight circle, she by extension holds some sort of a grudge. She points at the devil horns on her head.

"I think you need a pair of these, too."

[sentimntls]

mila came outside for some fresh air, but as she perches on one of the chairs on the back patio, she longs for a cigarette. her eyes dart towards the sliding door when she hears it open, hopefully searching for someone she can bum a smoke off of. instead, it’s just devon. she doesn’t let her disappointment show on her face. “devon, hey.” but the warm smile on mila’s face falters when she meets devon’s gaze; clearly the affection isn’t reciprocated. though, she supposes that shouldn’t be surprising; mila and devon’s relationship was mostly a by-product of their respective relationships with milo.  devon’s next words only twist the knife. her shoulders slump, just slightly, and her gaze drops. “do you really think that?”

[laughtrackfm]

for: mila ( @sentimntls ) location: portal movie rental

Dario had originally stopped by Portal to track down Easy, hoping to catch him between shifts before the weekend rush hit. He really expected to walk in and just spot Easy right away, like him being here was the most obvious spot in the world. He would’ve tried his treehouse first but he can’t remember the last time the two of them spent time in it or when he last even went up there himself. Note to self: check the tree house, maybe start fixing it up again. As he walked around mindlessly, scanning the caribous seas of rows, he began to accept that his bestie was no here. But in his search he ends up bumping, physically, into Mila, and the surprise made him pause for a second, blinking like he had to double-check who it was. When he registers who it is a grin spread across his face, wide and easy.

“Hey, Mila,” he said, his voice warm, eyes lighting up as they settled on her. He wondered if Mila was aware of the soft glow that radiated her, as if rays from the sun itself coursed through her veins, the softness around her always seemed to calm the constant shifting inside of Dario. “How is it even possible that you’re prettier than the last time I saw you?” Which was at the basement party, but still. “It's always nice to see you.” He tilted his head slightly, trying to think of something clever to add, something that would make her laugh or at least feel at ease—but nothing came to mind. So he let the silence linger just a second longer, letting the smile carry the words, like a quiet way of saying he genuinely meant it. And he did.

In his hands, he carried a styrofoam takeout container, the kind stacked high with six tacos he’d picked up on the way over, and he chuckled to himself as he carefully popped it open. The smell immediately made him hungry again, and he could feel a small thrill in the idea of sharing it, even if it was a little last-minute. “I don’t suppose you’d want tacos, would you?” he asked, holding the tray up a little as if presenting a tiny peace offering. “I owed Easy some and thought I’d surprise him…I guess he surprised me. Oops.”

[sentimntls]

mila hums to herself as she restocks returns, “you make me wanna…” has been stuck in her head since it came on the radio during her drive here. she’s too busy fantasizing about usher to be paying too much attention to where she’s going, and ends up running into dario — dropping the video in her hand. “hi,” she smiles at him, bending down to pick up the truman show. her cheeks flush with his compliment. still, she brushes it off. “i don’t know if it would be too hard to be prettier than i was after waking up hungover at the strip. but thank you, dario, you’re sweet.”  her eyes drop to the takeout container he’s holding. “oh, yeah, i think easy switched shifts with frankie. he should be in later.” she says by way of explanation. “are you sure? i don’t want to steal his surprise, especially if you owe him. then you’ll just have to get them for him again.” she doesn’t know about sit & spin, but if it’s anything like portal, he’s not exactly flush with cash. and she didn’t do anything to earn the present. “i can stick them in the fridge for when he gets in?”

[easyryder]

closed starter for mila alcantara ( @sentimntls ) -> portal movie marathon, friday 5:15pm

The line for popcorn has finally died down, most seats of the first film of the night stuffed with excited townies. Easy's happy all they have to do is scoop; the lack of other concessions makes it easy to clean and quick to get through the crowd. Now that it's quiet, he can focus on the movie.

Or on his co-worker. Whichever catches his interest quickest.

This Is Spinal Tap is a favorite of Easy's; beyond changing the film industry and doing the first real digs at the mockumentary genre, it's funny as hell, and impressive in the way its produced. The faint glow of the popcorn and concession stand don't distract him from the screen, an entertained smile starting to play at his lips, but it's not long until he's scooting over to Mila who stands in a matching blue vest near the register.

"Knowing these actors really played on the soundtrack makes it so much more impressive." Easy nods to the screen, his voice low as he leans in towards Mila; he won't be stopped from whispering while he's back here working, but he'll never ruin the movie-watching experience for the fans in the seats. He drags his eyes from the screen, looking down at the soft features of Mila beside him. "You've seen this right? Have to have."

[sentimntls]

mila’s happy she’s working today, if only so she has something to distract her from easy. she’s not used to relationships moving the way easy’s do, and her ego is still slightly bruised from the party. sure, she hadn’t been stupid enough to expect commitment from him, but she did think he’d at least be able to look at her when all was said and done.  maybe she’s overthinking it, imaging the distance between them now because of her inexperience. after all, their work is hardly impacted, the two move in perfect tandem as they take care of the line at concessions. it’s not as awkward as mila had expected, though nothing with easy has ever been; and that’s probably exactly why it had felt so right to climb into his lap and kiss him.  still, an restlessness settles in when the movie starts, and it’s just the two of them at concessions. “yeah,” mila nods, shooting easy a brief smile. “of course.” she scoops out one more popcorn and wordlessly hands it to easy — they’ve had enough conversations about movies for mila to know his preferred snacks— before sitting next to him. “it’s the only one of the four that i’ve, like, actually watched. i remember when that thing you do! and the commitments came out, but i don’t remember what happens in them” she presses her lips together for a moment. “don’t tell petey.”

[boltedshut]

🫀 : mila alcantara @sentimntls 📍 : the stone house (afters baybee) 🕰️ : sunday, 12:37am

for every party that was had in colossal— well, every party harvey had been invited to, something that had only become more frequent in the last few years, he treated mila like a matching north pole, was repelled every time they got close. his reasoning had changed a few times over the years, he always found some sort of rationalization in his head. when they were really young, and before he had transitioned, it was the social ramifications of his crush. then, for some years, it had been a form of mental torture, a reminder of his wasted potential and much less clean image. at least her being married saved him from that train of thought for some time, gave him something else to simmer on. someone else to blame. at this point, though, there was no denying it. he was just plain fucking nervous. so he's been trying to be more chill lately. less avoidant, at least. maybe if he allowed himself to exist near mila, the concept of spending any significant time or energy engaged with her wouldn't be so daunting. yeah, exposure therapy wasn't enough. he's surprised by her approach, all possible greetings playing in his head at once. ( sup. pretty shit party, right? you look good. heyyy. how's it going? show was cool. your ex's house looks like shit. we should ditch. let's ditch. like, now. hey. hello. mila, right? not that one. definitely not that one. you've known her forever! ) he doesn't realize until she's finished that she had already been speaking, looking over at him expectantly. had she asked a question? fuck. harvey's fingers tap anxiously at the plastic cup in his hand "sorry. um, repeat? it's... loud."

[sentimntls]

whatever strangeness mila had felt being sat the party at the strip without milo by her side is amplified tenfold tonight. it’s incredibly isolating, to not have anyone she can always look for, to move towards every time she finds herself on her own. if it wasn’t bad enough that she doesn’t have his tall frame to move through the crowds with ease, or someone constantly ready to refill her drink, but the parties are at his fucking house; an inherent reminder of him. she’s never felt so alone in a crowd. and maybe that’s why she finds herself drifting harvey’s direction the second she sees him; because she’s guaranteed to get some attention from him. she’s known about his crush for years now (he’s never been very subtle about it), and while the last thing she wants to do is give false hope, it’s also really nice to know that someone likes her. besides, wouldn’t it be mean to reject him without him even making a move? maybe he just wants to nurture his crush in peace. “i like your lights,” she says by way of greeting, offering him a warm smile. it’s clear that his mind is elsewhere though, and he doesn’t immediately reply. that’s fine, mila’s patient. her smile grows when he does respond, oddly endeared. she smiles and shakes her head — no apology necessary — and steps in closer, leaning forward to speak into his ear over the music. “i said i like your lights.”

[grantwishs]

it’s a relief to hear mila forgive ana, a giant weight lifted off her shoulders. mila already has so much to worry about these days that the last thing she needs is a problem with her best friend. if all other aspect of their lives are blowing up, at least they know they’ll have the other by their side— unconditionally. although, there is still a voice nagging in the back of her head. why didn’t mila express the issues in her marriage sooner? why did she hide it from ana? if there was ever a person to bask in a milo stone shit talking session, it’d be her. none of it makes sense. and she could spend the whole night ruminating, but it'd only piss her off. so, ana pushes away the thoughts, choosing to focus on the here and now. even if it's just for the time being. she can't hold it in forever. she opens her mouth, ready to finish mila’s sentence— a habit they’ve mastered after twenty years. however, the words can’t travel from brain to lips fast enough. mila’s speaking again and what she says next is a shock to ana’s system. a bad person? what does that mean? mila is perfect, admittedly more than she is. ana’s posture snaps straight, both legs folding beneath her. “you’re wrong. you’re a great person,” she’s sure of it. and yet, mila has piqued her curiosity. “why do you think that?”

[sentimntls]

it’s hard to know how to take ana’s reaction. as much as mila appreciates her loyalty, sometimes it feels so unearned. does ana’s devotion leave her blinded to mila’s flaws? is mila going to the wrong person for this? is there anyone that would be honest with her? does she even want honesty, or is the ideal outcome complete absolution, no matter her crimes? as ana straightens, mila sits back up, tucking her knees into her chest and resting her chin on top of them. she chews on her lip, unable to look ana in the eye. “i kissed easy. when we were snowed in at the strip.” and that’s all she says, she doesn’t share the whole truth about what happened between her and easy, and she certainly doesn’t say that the reason she thinks she’s a bad person is because she can’t find it within herself to regret anything with easy. maybe on day mila will tell ana everything — maybe she’ll even do it tonight — but for now, she has to see how ana reacts to even a fraction of the truth. for all mila knows, this is more than enough for ana to reevaluate her opinion on her. immediately, she realizes she's not the only one impacted by this. “but please don’t say anything," she tacks on. "to anyone. easy’s friendly with milo, and i don’t want him to know anyone knows; i don’t want him to have to worry about anyone else finding out and it spreading.”

[trnsience]

her instinctive response nets her a low hum. the kind that says he doesn't fully believe her but also doesn't plan on pushing it. at least not right this second. she's already got enough on her plate navigating things tonight; she doesn't need him adding to it by pointing out for the dozenth time that content and happy don't exactly mean the same thing. that, if nothing else, it shouldn't have taken an outsider to see the way she shrunk beside milo at every party, smile momentarily strained as he handed her another vodka soda, their parting kisses looking almost mindless, trained, robotic, not a single spark to be seen. if that was truly what passed as a non-lousy marriage, shane's never been happier in his decision to not settle down.

besides, even if he wanted to say something, she doesn't give him the chance. staring at the cigarette in her hand, shane finds himself caught off guard for the second time that night. ❝ damn, when did you manage that ? ❞ once again, he can't help but laugh. even though she didn't directly ask, it's something—proof, maybe. while he doesn't need reassurance that what he and mila did was right by any metric—of course it wasn't—like a scientist seeing his hypothesis proven correct, it's good to see he hadn't been wrong about her. if she expects him to be disappointed by that, she's sorely mistaken.

taking a step forward, he closes the gap between them and resists the urge to lift her lowered head with a knuckle. ❝ here, ❞ he says, reaching back to fish a lighter from the back pocket of his jeans. he's close enough now for the small flame of it to light up the both of them as he brings it to the end of her stolen prize. once it's caught, he nods at her, a go ahead. ❝ keep it, you earned it. ❞

[sentimntls]

mila’s ears might be deceiving her, but shane sounds almost… impressed? at the very least, she’s now sure he’s not upset with her. a small, relieved smile tugs at her lips when she hears him laugh. “um, a few hours ago? i was hanging up your jacket — it must’ve fallen from wherever you put it down — and felt the pack in your pocket. i almost got away with it to, but you know how frankie is.” or at least she assumes two months is enough to learn how frankie is. the step he takes towards her stops her ramblings, and she watches the lighter as he lifts it to the cigarette on offer. “i earned it?” her voice is incredulous as her eyebrows pull together. “by stealing from you?” the huff of laughter she lets out is easier to see than it is to hear, as it fills the cold air between them.  “i think you’re the only person that would reward that kind of behavior.” but he has. the cigarette in her hand is burning and shane clearly isn’t taking it from her. mila brings it to her lips and inhales. immediately she feels better.  her eyes flick out to the horizon, watching the snow fall. between the silence on the fire escape, shane’s flirting, and the nicotine, whatever anxieties mila felt about talking to shane after they slept together have started to ease. in fact, being around shane is enough for the weight to lift off her chest for the first time all night; he’s the only one at this party — the only one in the whole town — she doesn’t have to lie to. and it almost seems like he doesn't see her in a far worse light having known what she did. she wonders if he feels like he can be honest with her. a pathetic, desperate part of her hopes he does. she takes another drag of her cigarette in an attempt to gather the courage to try to find out. “i don’t get it," she says as she finally looks at him again. “what do you get out of being an enabler?”

[sullngirl]

in turn, fallon’s automatic response is to shake her head and dismiss the apology. although she’d spent most of her night hiding out in the stores, it feels more illicit now that it’s morning; if she were to be found by anyone, at least it’s by someone who shouldn’t be there either. “right.” fallon nods, coughing a little after she swallows her coffee. “well, don’t let me stop the good samaritan.” her words don’t have any real bite to them but it comes out tinted with sarcasm nonetheless. she steps aside without offering any assistance, cradling her coffee cup with both hands. there’s no residual anger towards mila; fallon buried her high school grievances a long time ago but it doesn’t change the fact that she has little to say to the other.

[sentimntls]

fallon’s sarcasm isn’t missed, though, it’s probably warranted, mila has to admit. still, the fact that fallon has her number makes her cheeks flush. sure, fallon might not have any residual anger, but mila has never learned how to put down her guilt. every time mila looks at fallon, she’s fourteen again, making s’mores on juno’s stove. but when she blinks, she’s back in fast breaks, with nearly ten years of unspoken apologies between them. dropping her gaze, mila nods and slips by fallon to start searching for an extra bag of coffee beans. she starts at one of the cabinets below the counter, worrying her lip between her teeth as she pokes past a package of filters. the silence makes her palms itch. “did you sleep well?”

[grantwishs]

𝑐𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑟 : @sentimntls. 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 & 𝑙𝑜𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 : eight o'clock in ana's bedroom.

this is what you would call a true ana and mila sleepover. comfortable, relaxed, and secure. the britney spears album she bought from victor earlier today plays softly on the cd player. reruns of party of five is showing on the tv, though it stays muted. they already know what happens in the episodes, she just likes to see jennifer love hewitt on screen whenever possible. mila rests across the foot of the bed and ana sits nearby on the carpeted floor, laser focused on painting her toenails. it feels familiar, exactly like old times. she suggested mila stay the night because she’s been quite lonely in the house ever since parker left. or that’s the excuse ana used, it's only partly true. truthfully, she’s concerned for mila. knowing it’s a gut punch to be forced to change your whole lifestyle after living a certain way for so long. it may not be the same and ana and the other grant kids weren’t the most amicable, but it hurt when one of them would move out. and she imagines that’s what mila is experiencing now— schedules and routines completely thrown off track. after putting the finishing touches on her last nail, ana tightens the cap on the red polish and brings her knees to her chest. she’s been nervous to pose the question, assuming it would just inevitably ruin the light hearted energy in the room. “are you alright?” ignoring any fears, ana lifts her gaze and starts again, “i should’ve asked you sooner. i should’ve asked when you told me about the divorce. i was too worried about making milo the bad guy. i’m sorry,” her expression remains soft, wordlessly telling mila this isn't an attempt to pry, “but, are you doing alright?” and if she were honest with herself, ana would recognize the selfish part of her that hopes mila isn’t okay. its relentless, this desire to be her shoulder to cry on.

[sentimntls]

ana’s room has always been one of the places that has felt most like home to mila. the chaos of it — clothes strewn across every surface, walls covered in posters and pictures, always new cds to find — is so ana that curling up in her bed is like a warm hug after a long day. so when ana suggested a sleepover, mila had jumped at the invitation. it’s as if ana already knew that being stuck at home alone was driving mila crazy. and ana’s room has just the effect mila had been hoping for. though it’s been a strange few weeks, just seeing matthew fox on the tv is enough to make mila feel a bit better. she’s lying on her stomach, absently flipping through a magazine when ana speaks. the question plucks at a nerve within mila, but through its humming, mila shifts, leaning over the end of the bed so she can rest her cheek on the top of ana’s head. the contact helps her relax, just a bit. “no, you don’t have to be sorry. it’s always nice to know you’re on my team.” even if milo doesn’t deserve any of ana’s ire, her loyalty is always a balm on mila’s nerves. maybe, she can’t help but think, ana would still love her even if she knew what mila did. not because she deserves it, but for loyalty's sake. “i’m okay. or, mostly okay. it’s kind of weird to have so much of my life change so quickly. but that’s fine, it’s just…” her voice trails off as she considers what exactly to tell ana. obviously, shane is off-limits, but ana is her best friend, she has to tell her something.  in the end, mila settles with the vaguest version of the truth, “i think i’m a bad person.”

[grantwishs]

( @sentimntls )       this dream isn't feeling sweet, we're reeling through the midnight streets.

[sentimntls]

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝟎𝟏: 𝑆𝐻𝐼𝐹𝑇𝐼𝐸𝑆 !

how long has your muse been working at their current job?

mila has been working at portal since she was twenty. i think how it went down was: she dropped out of college when she was nineteen, and shortly after, the dixie opened for the season, so mila worked there. it wasn’t until the dixie closed for the year that mila had to find another job. it’s a pretty reasonable transition to go from working at a drive-in to working at a movie rental, and in my mind, the dixie and portal have kind of.. a working relationship. they’re both committed to preserving cinema in their small town. they’re sisters <3

how does your muse commute?

she drives her 1987 blue ford ranger! though technically, it isn’t hers. it’s belongs equally to her and her two siblings, she’s just the only one that still lives at home. basically makes it hers. noah changed his mind about the truck and wanted something smaller to drive around boston, and reyna hates the truck, so she has no interest in keeping it after she graduates from college. mila is lowkey embarrassed of driving a truck, but it gets her where she needs to go.also, if any portal employees ever need a ride, mila will be happy to pick them up! or take them home. or drive them somewhere else after work. and honestly, this doesn’t just go for portal workers. if you’re at the strip you can hit mila up and she’ll chauffeur you around. you can even pick the music, she doesn't mind.

what’s in your muse’s work locker? how about the break room fridge?

mila's locker acts as a supply closet for her coworkers. they can all have the combination, if they need anything, and it's filled with a first aid kit, granola bars, pads & tampons, hair ties & claw clips, lotion, wet wipes, gum, annnnd various other snacks. she doesn't typically keep much in the break room fridge, but once ever couple of weeks, she'll make some kind of treat for the staff. if needed, that'll go in the fridge. she's brought cakes, cookies, muffins, cupcakes, and banana breads.

which shift does your muse prefer?

she prefers the morning shift, not that anyone knows this. she prefers to get work out of the way, and a lot of her extracurriculars take place in the evening. so realistically, it’s better for her to get off work before all of that. however, mila has never once complained about her schedule and has the ability to “make it work” no matter when she has to show up. she is definitely the first person anyone would ask about covering for them or switching shifts, because she’s always going to say yes.

would you consider your muse to be a good employee?

i do not like being nice to mila, but yeah, i would. she’s really friendly and warm, so i think she suits customer service. she’s no petey, easy, or the snob, but she’s always loved film, and grew up watching basically everything that came out (especially during the summer), so she’s knowledgeable. i’d also say that it helps that when she needs to step in for a customer, it would be about finding something they would like rather than asking her to give her opinions. and besides from just the social element of the job, mila has no problem with any other aspects of the job. she’s happy to clean and organize, and is always ready to pick up anyone else’s slack with zero complaints.

how is their relationship to their authority? do they get along with their manager? how about the owner?

throws up blood. why would u ask me this..... sighs. mila is authority’s wet dream. it’s hard to say for sure if she gets along with the manager, because this could change, but i don’t know, mila is easy to get along with. i think she’s a good employee, she actively enjoys film, and she wouldn’t push back on their opinions, so i would imagine they have a pretty good relationship.i don’t think petey is particularly fond of mila. in fact, of the characters in the group that work at portal, mila is petey’s least favorite. that said, i also don’t think he dislikes her. she’s helpful, and always willing to stick around if he’s planning a showing. also, to go off of my first answer, i could see petey and mila’s dad having a working relationship, so i think that would grease the wheels of petey’s relationship with mila. 

[merrittstone]

So, it's weird. Sure. That's not surprising. Merritt and Mila have been a steady part of each other's lives literally forever. As their group came together and solidified in high school, Merritt found herself feeling like the opposite corner of the square than Mila; they had the same friends and the same classes and the same lunch table, but there was a palpable distance between them. That distance didn't go anywhere when her and Milo started dating, and it didn't go anywhere when her and Milo got married, so why should Merritt expect a divorce to disrupt what's been carved in stone for most of their lives?

Despite this, and despite the mist of tension that lays delicately over their interaction, Merritt finds she feels a closeness with Mila she never has before.

As though she'd forgotten her grocery choices, Merritt looks at her basket too. "Yup. Huge taco bake night for us. Shane's cooking is like, to die for. I keep telling him his dinners are making me want to babytrap him but he just laughs." It's a joke. Merritt's the last person who should be caring for a child; babysitting as a teenager always felt like dying a thousand tiny cuts - the cuts being having to change a crying kid's diaper. "I've got this whole, like, twelve-step plan to get him to fall in love with me. We're already halfway through season two of The Real World so it's coming along."

Less of a joke. A joke all the same, and Merritt smiles at Mila as though she's in on the secret of it all, too. The tension isn't going anywhere and after a long beat Merritt clears her throat and tries again. "Look, I know it's weird. You're feeling weird, I'm feeling weird, we're both, like... You know, it's weird. But also, like, I feel like I can be more honest with you now. Is that crazy?"

[sentimntls]

mila doesn’t dare let her expression falter at the mention of shane, no matter what strange feelings it stirs in her. it’s definitely strange to know shane is staying at the stones’. shane had promised not to say anything, but she hardly knows him, so she’s constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. she doesn’t know if it’s reassuring that his time with merritt consists of watching tv, or disconcerting that they’re getting close at all. despite knowing it’s a joke, mila is tempted to point out, rather cruelly, that merritt should probably get her coke problem under control before considering bringing a child into the world. obviously, she swallows the comment and laughs warmly at merritt’s antics. “and what step is real world watching? it has to be at least two or three, right?” she spins the basket in her hands. “sounds like things are progressing pretty quickly.”  one thing about merritt that mila has never gotten used to is her lack of a filter. there’s a part other that admires her ability to say whatever’s on her mind, no matter polite it would be to just ignore it. and apparently, merritt isn’t going to ignore the strange tension that lingers between them. mila bites into her bottom lip as her eyes study merritt, trying to determine what, exactly, merritt wants her to say. “no,” she says carefully. “i don’t think that’s crazy.” merritt’s right, this is weird. “i guess it’s like, we always had a relationship that was between our relationship. but now it’s just us.” admittedly, merritt’s friendship is a relationship that has never gotten much of mila’s attention. sure, they were friends, but the more important distinction was that merritt was milo’s sister. it strikes mila now that that will probably never change. if mila was honest with merritt, their friendship would be over. but if merritt wants to try, mila can play along. “but you can be honest with me.”