find me

under construction, my life that is.

[shaecanilao]

BEFORE YOU GO

Chapter 1: Before I Ran

*alarm blaring*

Fucking hell.

Oh, wait. Is it Monday today?!

Monday mornings never start well for me. It's usually bad coffee, late train, or alarm clock not ringing. This week, it's me; forgetting the whole existence of Mondays.To make things worse, I also missed my train.

*phone ringing*

"Olivia here."

"Where are you? Meeting's about to start in 30 minutes. You didn't hear your alarm again, didn't you?"

"Yes, and I missed my fucking train."

"Olivia, I swear to god! Okay, I'll try to stall them as much as I can but you better take your ass here asap."

That was Ari, a friend of mine and coincidentally my boss. Me being late isn't really a huge problem since I make sure I get things done, except for times like these.

I ended up taking a cab all the way to the office.

Right when the elevator doors opened, my secretary was already brisk walking with me to my desk. Time check: I still have about 10 minutes before the meeting.

"Uhh Olivia, there's a mail that came in for you. It seems important."

"Okay, let me see."

I snatched the mail from her and went straight to my desk where Ari was waiting.

"There you are!"

"Sorry, I got here as fast as I can."

"All good, just please be ready. Clients will be here in a few." She was walking out while I was opening the urgent mail that my secretary just handed to me. "Shit."

"Is everything okay?" Ari asked, looking back at me.

I faced her with the mail in my hand.

"He's getting married."

"Is it who I think it is?"

"Yes."

"What are you gonna do?"

My secretary popped into my room. "Olivia, Ari, the clients are ready."

I gotta get through this day first.

Three years ago...

I'm seriously running late again. They're gonna kill me!

I hurriedly jumped off the car and was running to the entrance of the club. I can already see a long line outside so I'm cursing in my head because my friends will surely get mad since they're already inside.

"I'm out front. Meet me here." My best friend, Cami, texted.

I ran directly to the entrance and there she was, looking way too worried than she should be.

"Hey, bee! Sorry oh my god it was so traffic. Let's go!" I was about to drag her inside, but she held my arm firmly keeping me in place. "Oh, what's up?"

She looked down and sighed, "I know it's been a few months and you guys have talked about this, but it's just..."

"Bee, what is it?"

"Chris is inside. He brought a girl."

"His...?"

"His girlfriend."

Shit. I knew this day would come. I thought I'm prepared for this, but it definitely still feels like a punch in the gut. Chris and I was never official. It was actually mostly one-sided with me in the losing side. You know what they say, falling for a friend is never a good idea. I tried my best not to yet here we are.

It's been quite a while since we've sorted out our issues, but it's not something that's easy to forget.

I've been holding my breath for a minute when another friend of ours, Yael, went out to get us. "There you are! Come on, we're on our second bottle."

She's pretty, I thought.

I was smiling the whole time, dancing, and drinking with our friends. I tried my best to stay away because I can't quite look at them, especially him, in the eye.

The rest of the night went on like a blur.

The car ride home was painfully silent to the point that my driver was worried if something had happened to me. But, I smiled at him and said I was okay.

I ended up staring at my computer that night and decided to answer an important email.

Maybe this is my chance to move forward.

I pondered over the send button for a few minutes as I reread the acceptance message I'm about to send for a job in Manhattan. As I hit send, I booked a ticket for the next day and never looked back.

Back to today...

"Olivia? Olivia, can you tell us when the best time to start campaign again?"

"Oh, yes. Sorry. We should start this as early as next Monday. We're ready with all the materials and all we need is a go signal from you."

All the memories came flooding in with a single paper. I wasn't even sure if I could actually go see him get married.

The meeting was quickly wrapped up and I met with my team to commence the campaign right away.

Hours later, I finally had the time to sit in my office and I saw the invitation again.

At times like this, I only know to do one thing: call Cami. I knew she was also waiting for my call because she answered in the first ring.

"Hey, bee!" She said.

"How long did you know?"

"2 weeks now." She was quiet. She knew I wasn't mad, but I just had to ask.

"Why did't anyone tell me?" I asked the obvious.

"None of us knew how to tell you. I tried to tell you multiple times, but whenever I hear you so happy, I cannot do that to you." There was a few seconds of silence. "So what are you planning to do?"

"What else can I do?" I sighed. "We should all be there for our friend."

Fast forward to three months later...

Ari pulled up at the airport drop off and was helping me take out my luggage when she stopped and asked, "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"No. I'm actually not."

She squeezed my hand. "Be strong, Liv."

"What other choice do I have?" I smiled at her.

The 19-hour flight was torture, but I knew that the worst is yet to come.

[shaecanilao]

Step 1

As cliche as it sounds, there's nothing else I want in life but happiness. What I don't tell people is the catch to that happiness - which is having everything.

I've always been a little ambitious. I don't always work hard, but when I do, it's because I want something. I thought this kind of thing also works on people, but apparently it doesn't.

Because of wanting to be perfectly happy, I got a little greedy. Successful career, successful love life, successful family life. I thought I could have everything. The family thing, I've kind of given up on that already, but the other two, I thought may chance pa.

I'm doing well career wise. That's probably why I also have more time in my hands to do more things and think about other things. That's probably where this whole shit started - because I had more time. Who knew that that could be bad.

Processing emotions was never my thing. I hated being emotional. I hated having to be concerned with other people. That's selfish, I know. But, I was so busy with my career that I thought that that was fine. Relationships were an afterthought. I'd go out and party, drink with my friends, go home drunk as fuck, sometimes even high as a kite. Then, I'd wake up the next day to go to work and repeat the same thing.

When I started having these feelings, I knew I was screwed. It was easy to run from people when you've only seen them in certain places like the club, the bar, at work, or wherever. I've always ran at the first sight of the problem. But with you, I can't just fucking do that because this time it's different. Before anything else, we're friends. And, I hated that.

I can't run from you. There's no other choice, but to sit and smile and pretend that everything is fine. You tell me that I shouldn't feel awkward, but that's the thing. It's not awkwardness that I feel. I know you can't see it, and to be honest, I really wish that you don't or that you can pretend that you don't have an idea.

It hurts to be near you. It hurts to be touched by you. When you hold my hand, it's like physical pounding on my chest. It hurts because I know none of this meant to you as much as it does to me.

I've said this before, that I'll try to run away from you. Maybe that'll solve this. Besides, that's what I'm good at. I've tried that before to no luck. But now, I think I've found a way.

Trying to assess this, I've accepted that I can't have everything in life. Maybe in order to be truly happy, I should just focus on the things that I'm sure of. Maybe I should just be grateful that my career is going well. I shouldn't be greedy that I'd even want a happy relationship.

Maybe settling down and having a family isn't just for me. Maybe I really am that person who is meant to have a good career, but never a good personal life. Maybe it's time I accept it. Maybe the key to happiness is not having everything, but knowing how to accept that I can't have everything in life.

In this life, maybe that's what I can't have. Love, and you with it.

[shaecanilao]

Funniest shit is when someone asks you if you've had closure with them, but like? Do we have different memories of that night? We literally made out 5 mins after our 'closure'. What kind of closure is that?!

[shaecanilao]

I wish forgetting all this is as instantaneous as owning up to it because fuck, I can’t even function properly. I wanna scream at you and ask you why it can’t be me. I cry at random times wondering what’s not enough with me. But guess what, I don’t. I don’t because I can’t make you feel guilty about anything. None of it is your fault anyways. Sabi nga ni Carson, “hindi mo naman kasalanang hindi mo ko mahal”. 

I guess that’s it, then. I just need to grab more bottles of gin to accompany me during the nights that I feel the need to cry. Don’t worry, you won’t feel any of it. I’ll make sure of that. 

[shaecanilao]

Can’t Get Through

Say the words you mean. Mean the words you say. 

Saturday, 6 PM

Martine's POV

"Why are you even bringing this up now? I already told you, I don't know yet. It's just annoying how no matter what answer I give you, you just don't believe me!" 

We haven't moved na inch from my house and we're already fighting. I love this man, but there are days when I just don't know what's going through his head. This is one of those days. I have no idea how this conversation even turned into a fight.

"Nick, you always say that. 'I don't know yet','Maybe','Let's see', but you've already decided! You keep telling me to be involved more but you're not letting me in. You keep making these decisions without even telling me."

"Well I don't know what to fucking tell you. I. Don't. Know. Don't act like you know everything about me. Maybe if you listen to what I'm actually saying instead of interpreting my words the way you want to, you'll actually do." 

"Now I'm the one not listening! Did you even hear what I just said? Whenever I ask you about serious things like this, you either walk away, raise your voice, or change the topic. How am I going to listen if you're not going to say anything! How are we partner if you're not involving me in your life? You want me to change, but you're not willing to do the same."

Nick closes his eyes for a second and shakes his head. "I love you, Martine. With all that I have. The things I do, I do them for us. I'm trying my best here, but I just...can we stop talking about this now? They're all waiting for us and we're here fighting about something so far off the future. Can we talk about this later?" Next month isn't that far off the future though.

It's his dream job overseas. It's starting next month. And even if he doesn't want to admit it, I know he's going to take it.

Friday, 2 PM

Nick's POV

"You're giving her a ring for your monthsary? Dude, if I were your girlfriend, I'm gonna be scared. Three months of dating and you look like you're going to propose to me."

"We've known each other for years. She's not gonna freak out. I just want to surprise her." I don't care about what they say, I'm gonna give her the ring.

"You know, you look different now. But, dude you look like a high school kid having his first girlfriend," my coworker says as he sips his coffee. "Oh, wait..." then, he laughs. 

Actually, we both do. It's sort of true. 

"Nick, the director's asking for you in her office." Shit. 

I knocked on Annie's door, bracing myself of her wrath because when is she not mad, but I saw that she's actually happy? "Annie? You were asking for me?"

"Take a seat, Nick."

"What's up?"

"Do you remember the time I sent over Rachel to the Sydney office for a job in their strategy team?"

"Uh, yeah? That was pretty cool." Pretty cool, my ass. I wanted that job, too! I couldn't stop talking about it for weeks, Martine can practically repeat every word. We weren't even dating yet at the time. But since Rachel and I were schoolmates, meh I let it go. My time will come, I said.

"Well, Rachel's coming back here to the country to get married and the job's open. It's yours if you want it."

"What...mine? You're offering...the Sydney spot...to me?" With that job, Martine and I will be able to get married and settle down in no time! But, shit knows 3 months into dating, we both can't do long distance. Fucking hell. This is hard.

I'm supposed to type in a message for Martine, but instead the hundreds of messages in our friends' group chat stole my attention. 

'DRINKS TOM?'

'Yassss, you guys game at 9? Same place?'

'Y'ALL GAME'

'Oh my god. Rachel's getting married?! What the fuck' - Martine

'Yes lol she's moving to the states too'

'What the fuck. Is she preggo'

'Don't think so. Dude we're not 18 anymore. We don't need a baby to get married.'

'LOL GUYS. ANNIE OFFERED THE JOB TO NICK? BRO, CONGRATS.' This guy's also my coworker. News must have spread through the office. 

Martine has been calling my phone after that message. I'm still not sure whether this is a good news or not so I have no guts to answer her call.

Here goes nothing. "Hey, babe."

"Hi, love." A few seconds of silence. "About that job."

"Ah, yeah. I don't know about that yet. I mean, yeah I know about it but I don't know if I'm going to take it."

"You should...you should take it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

This is something we're both good at -- avoiding an important conversation.

Saturday, 10 PM

Nick's POV

We arrived at the party pretty late because, well, we kept bickering about the Sydney thing. 

"Hey, man! What's up?" Our friends greeted as find our seats with them.

"So Nick, should we be congratulating you already? Are you taking the Sydney spot?" I look over at Martine and she's rolling her eyes downing a glass of gin. I can see her smiling, but I know that smile. And, she tells me she wants me to take it.

"I'm not sure yet, guys. I need to think about it."

"Wow, so mature! It's as if you weren't talking shit about wanting to snatch that job out of Rachel's hands 2 years ago."

As the night progresses and people are starting to get drunk, Martine still isn't talking to me and prefers to talk to the girls. 

I'm getting a drink from the bar, when a friend of ours approached me. "Are you guys fighting?"

"Pretty much."

"You two need to talk about your shit."

"You know I try."

"Do you really?"

"I do! But, she doesn't believe me. I tell her one thing, but she assumes that she knows me from head to toe and misinterprets what I want to say."

"What exactly did you tell her? Will you take this job?"

"I don't know. I want to, but I'm afraid we'd drift apart. We're together here and we fight more often than an old married couple as it is."

"Did you tell her that? Why you can't decide?"

"No...but that's not the question. Whatever the reason is, I really haven't decided. But, she assumes that I'm going to so she feels like I'm not including her in my plan."

"Then tell her!"

"She won't believe me even if I did."

"Have you tried yet?"

Three Months Before

Martine's POV

"What? You guys broke up?"

"What did you do this time? She's been my favorite so far!"

"Don't you regret any of the relationships that you've had? The hundreds of them?"

"First of all, it's about 10. That's not a bad number. Second, no I don't regret any of them."

Nick finally showed up in one of our drinking sessions again after a month and announces that he's single again...after about 2 months of dating.

"I just haven't found the right person yet." He looks over at me.

He's asked me out before. I said no. Multiple times. We're friends and it's pretty awkward if we start dating and then break up. I don't want to mess with this group that we've had since high school. Don't get me wrong, I do...kinda...just a little bit feel the same way. I just, I don't have the guts to jump the gun with him. 

We're basically opposites. He's outgoing, I'm a homebody. He's all over having these relationships, I'm pretty much a prude. He's a career chaser, I'm very much chill. 

"OR! Maybe you've found her, but you were just rejected?" 

"OHHHH SHIT!" The groups laughs. Yes, everyone pretty much knows.

I lined up to the washroom and Nick followed.

"Hey," he said.

"Heyy," in a much drunker tone. God, I AM drunk.

"You okay?"

"Yep, 'kay 'kay."

"Martine."

"Yeah?"

"You know if there's something I might regret."

"What."

"Not being with you."

We're laughing together, about something - something I'm not even sure what about. 

Next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. 

Sunday, 5 AM

After the party's died down and they're back in their car to go home, they both know that they either talk about it or not sleep that night. 

"Take the job, Nick."

Nick looks over at Martine and he doesn't understand why that statement pinched him. "Do you mean that?"

"I don't know."

There was a long pause. 

"You know I love you, right?" Martine asked.

"Hmm," he answered.

He looks over to her. "I want to take the job."

"I knew you did."

"See that's the thing. Martine, I didn't. I was thinking twice about it because I was scared of what might happen to us, but instead of listening to me, you just went ahead and assumed that I will. What if I didn't want to take it? Yes, fucking dream job and all, but that's not my whole life. There's you and I value you, too."

"I saw you."

"Saw what?"

"You were searching for Sydney apartments already."

"I was just looking!"

"But half of you knows you're going to take it. That's your problem, Nick. You never tell me anything. You say what you think I want to hear when I only want to know what you really think. You're wondering why I keep asking. Of course I don't want you to go! I want you to stay here. But, I won't stop you if you choose to because I love you and I believe in you. You say you value me, but you never let me in. I still have no idea what runs through that head of yours. I can't love you if I don't even understand you."

There was another long silence.

"Maybe..." "Maybe." They said at the same time.

"Go ahead." He says.

"Maybe we should go back to being just friends."

He held his breath and stared at the wheel. "Maybe..." Although intending to say the exact opposite, "I should go."

[shaecanilao]

Guilty.

I am guilty as fuck. 

A few months ago, two things happened: I found out someone likes me and the guy I like found out I like him (well, because I told him). 

Being the usual me, I totally brushed things off like they’re nothing. Guy wanted to be just friends. Good. Hey, that’s beneficial to me too. Heartbreaks like these may seem menial to a lot of people. People who know me, but not as much as my high school friends, will totally not see how I really feel because I really won’t like for him to feel burdened about my feelings.

Obviously, in order to actually move forward, I had to look for distractions. I buried myself in work, drank with my colleagues more often, and flirted with other people. It was working well.

Then, there’s this other guy.

Like I said, I was just looking for distractions. Knowing myself full well, I don’t forget people easily. I just can’t. When I found out how the other guy likes me,  I just thought it’s funny because I couldn’t figure out why he likes me. I wanna tell the guy I like, “See! This guy sees my worth, but why can’t you?”. Of course, I didn’t tell him that.

At first, I was just observing him and I started to notice the simple things that he does. What he tells people and how they tease him for having a crush. I still laugh every time because I thought it’s pretty childish. But hey, that happens to me to when I like someone. Who am I to judge?

Now, the problem is, I think I’m unknowingly leading him on. Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe it’s because I actually enjoyed the attention and it’s a pretty good distraction. I don’t really know. 

Whenever I’m at the store, the staff teases me about him. I play along like it’s nothing as if he’s not behind the door most likely hearing about what they’re saying. I invite him to car rides going home even if I know it’s going to end up with just us two. I invite him to the overnight drinking hangouts. On the outsider’s perspective, I know it seems like I’m giving him attention. I feel like it’s one of the reasons why our colleagues are now directly teasing me about him. Because they think I do feel the same already. But, deep inside I know it’s not that. As narcissistic as it sounds, maybe I just like the attention. 

I know that at the end of the day, I still like someone else. I still cry about someone else; Long for someone else; wish it was someone else giving me this attention. I see this person in front of me and all I could think about is why isn’t he the one doing whatever this other guy’s doing. Why doesn’t he like me instead?

This is the long ass form way of saying, I feel like shit today. I feel bad in potentially hurting this other person just because I like someone else but I’m using him as a way out. I wanna say sorry, but I feel like that’ll hurt more. I want to reject him already, but I feel like that’s going to make me look like an asshole. But then, if I continue entertaining this attention that he’s giving me, I’m going to be a much worse of an asshole.

I guess the question is, how do I get out?

[shaecanilao]

Reset

What are the odds of facing the similar situation twice in your life; maybe you’re in different sides of the situation, but nonetheless the same. The difference and similarity is in your decisions on both situation also shows a lot about the years that passed. 

I watched a movie tonight with my friends. Something related to careers and life decisions, about whether or not a relationship is worth sacrificing your career for and all that jazz. 

When I first watched this a few years back, I thought it’s stupid. If the other person got a better opportunity somewhere else, then take it. If the relationship doesn’t work out, then break it off. I didn’t understand the struggle in both parts: one sacrificing to fly with the other and the other letting the other sacrifice a nice career. I used to call their relationship immature and stupid. 

I remember being on one side of the situation. Maybe it was because I was young and reckless that I thought the situation was black and white, I don’t really know. It was a quick decision. Yes, I love the person, but the question was clear. Was I willing to move to a whole ass country just to be with the person? No. So, I ended it. End of story. 

Now, years later. Watching the said movie and being in a somewhat similar yet difference situation, I start to reflect on that time. God, I was selfish. So darn selfish that I didn’t even realize. Breaking the relationship off wasn’t the only choice, but I cutoff a possible future out of something just because I thought it would be too much work. I kinda want to smack the head of my old self. He must’ve thought that I was ruthless, but really, I just didn’t know better. 

Now that I’m on the other side of the coin, I could already understand why this shit was hard. The thought of leaving someone you’re into (not even in a relationship with) and just dropping all the possible future that you may have to chase a career in another place is just...sad. It makes me think that yes, it is selfish, asking someone to come with you even if it may not be as beneficial to them than to you. But, it if would keep them beside you and keep that possible future possible, you’d consider it.

The pressure’s on me to make this move a reality as soon as possible. I’m not getting younger and I’ve made too much excuses in order to delay this. But, just thinking about having to leave everything behind, starting off from scratch somewhere else, and the possibility of never coming back, I’m already terrified. 

It’s sad thinking about how it hasn’t even begun and I will most likely not even see it actually happen. (Not that it’ll happen when I stay here. It’s not even that.) It’s just sad chasing a dream while having to let the other dream die. 

[shaecanilao]

Okay.

The concept of being okay has always been vague for me. How okay are you?

If you ask me, am I okay? I will tell you nonchalantly, of course I am! But, I guess it’s a good thing that no one really asks for a follow up question after that. Do you still cry yourself to sleep? Do you not think of the possibilities? Do you ever question him why? Those questions I don’t have the exact answer to. Questions I can’t even begin to answer even for myself. 

The thing is, I’m so used to pretending like the person I’m supposed to be. I put up a smile so that people won’t be uncomfortable, so that people won’t, what’s wrong? I turn into this jolly little carefree girl who doesn’t give two shits about anything. Whenever I get hurt, I brush it off and pretend like it’s nothing; like no one can hurt my feelings, like I’m not some girl who would cry for a guy.

Then, after everyone’s gone home and the bedroom door closes, I stare at the ceiling and cry my heart out. 

The next day, when sun comes up and I go down for lunch, it would be like nothing happened - again.

To someone like me who acts like I’ve successfully frozen my heart and could do anything I want without any guy hurting me, this should totally look like nothing. It’s just a crush, right? Nothing serious. 

But you see, I don’t think it was just that. 

It took me a year or two before I was able to admit to myself about my feelings. It took another year for me to be able to confide with my best friend who knows me like the back of her hand and another year after that for me to have the courage to tell him. 

It was the kind of confusing feelings where I don’t know if I just care about him like a friend or more. I want to spend time with him, but I don’t know if I would want to have our friends around or not. A lot of things remind me of him even if I’m somewhere far away. For the longest time, I told myself that he’s just a friend and I treat all my friends the same as him. 

Only that, I don’t. I tell myself...

Your heart doesn’t flutter when your friend holds your hand. You don’t get jealous when someone else likes your friend. You don’t get flustered when you’re left alone with your friend. You don’t get excited buying (too) expensive gifts for your friend. Lastly, no matter how heartless you are, you don’t think about wanting to kiss your friend. 

The thing is that I know he doesn’t feel the same way. He doesn’t want things to change - us as friends. And, that’s okay.

Whenever someone asks me if I’m okay about the situation, I don’t know what the hell they’re expecting me to say. But, because it’s me and it’s what I’m good at, I laugh at question at hand, say cheers, take a shot, smile, and say I’m okay. 

Really, there’s nothing I want more in the world than to completely be just that...okay. 

[shaecanilao]

I have no idea if I’m actually considering this because I do like the guy or if it’s only because I’m looking for a damn good distraction from another person, but I don’t want to pull another person into this mess just to know the answer. 

[shaecanilao]

Damn.

Now I understand why people say you shouldn’t kiss your friends because it’ll only complicate things. Half of you wants to kiss them again, but half is saying that you shouldn’t be kissing your friends in the first place. 

But then again, who do you listen to? 

[shaecanilao]

Before you even say anything, I know that all this is kind of bullshit. This is more of me regretting past decisions that I can never change.

Full disclosure, when I look at you now I think, “this guy could still be mine now if I wasn’t so stubborn 5 years ago.” I let you call me ‘love’ like it’s nothing to me. I tell you about my day like it’s a normal thing to do. I flirt with you for fun just to poke at the dumb memory of us being vaguely together. But really, it’s not like we’re ever going to be like how we were before.

You know I like someone else now. You tell me it’s awesome. You say it’s nice that I’m putting myself out there and liking good people, that I should think of being serious with someone because that’s what I deserve. You talk about me like I’m some precious gem you don’t want to get hurt. But even with all this, I know our time has passed.

I know we’re great at being just friends. But, I guess even if we’ve both accepted that fact, it’s still possible to regret. 

[shaecanilao]

Okay, last words.

I clearly remember writing another one of these down saying that this, whatever this is, is a question I’m prepared not to answer for the rest of my life. But, here we are not long after risking so much to get a hint of the answer. 

I don’t know why I’m upset over possibilities that I’m not sure of. They say, expect the worst so that it’s less painful when you’re actually hit, but does it really lessen the blow?

I want to do it how they do it in the movies. I’ve practised in my head many times. “I like you. A lot. But, it’s a statement and not a question so you don’t have to say anything. Just let me say this.” I don’t want to hear you talk because I think I already know the answer. AND, IT’S OKAY. Really, it is. Feelings aren’t supposed to be forced. It just comes. If it doesn’t...then so be it.

That’s one of the things I hate about this. No one has even asked the question, but the answer is right on my face already. Life’s just unfair. As if none of this is worth a try. Like none of it matters. Like I’m in this alone and my feelings are worthless. But then again, I don’t want to force you to feel anything if you don’t.

I’m already in the stage where I just want to address the elephant in the room instead of tiptoeing around the topic every time we’re together. But, if I’m crying over mere possibilities, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the real blow. I wish I’m as good as you in stepping on the brakes. I’m not. I wish I can just tell myself to stop, and the following day it’s as if nothing happened. I can’t. I’m just good at pretending like I can.

I know it’s my fault driving down the hillside without a break. I guess this is where I crash.

I’ll stop here. No more sly messages or double meanings. No more trying to get you to respond. No more hoping for the best. No more waiting for dumb conversations. My best friend’s right. I can’t be the only one fighting the fight. I deserve to be fought for, too. 

Let me cry about this a few more nights. But I promise this time it’s real.

I’m tapping out.

[shaecanilao]

Closure. 

A lot of people think that closure is life’s version of a letter’s closing statement. Some final words before you turn your back for the last time.

But for me, I think it’s more of a post script. Whether I get it or not, I prefer to close a letter the way I want to or sometimes, simply the way it should be. But, with the way life is, I don’t think someone’s presence in our lives can be totally buried in the past. Yes, we may not see them or interact with them, but they live within us - somewhere at the back of our heads, maybe. And, at some point, they will pop up again without warning. And, that’s okay.

I’ve closed my letter for you a long time ago. It feels like a lifetime since we first met. The first time we got together was a whiplash of emotions and newfound recklessness that I wanted to try. And, you were right there with me hahaha! 

The second time was much calmer which made me feel more at ease. It was a lot of work, but I appreciated the fact that you tried your best even if you weren’t in the best position then. 

I thought you were shitting me when you said, “Let’s try again one more time.” I don’t know if it was curiosity, but something got over my head and I said, “Why not?” Maybe three times a charm, right?

Seeing you after a long time was definitely something. You’re much warmer, your eyes are much brighter, and your hugs are much tighter. That’s when I realized I actually missed you. As funny how life is, that date was the best date we’ve ever had.  

I remember fixing myself in between meetings that day because you said you’re on your way. You picked me up at my house while I told my parents I booked a Grab, just like the old times. You wore my favorite white polo of yours! I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw you with it because it was something I’ve always told you to wear, but you always said you looked like a boy in his first communion (even if you didn’t!).

We ate in this small restaurant that looks like a modern house from the outside (I forgot the name lmao bye) with super nice food even though you were claiming that you cook better now. After dinner, we went to some rooftop Whiskey Bar nearby that’s just about to reopen. Anything for a glass of cocktail, am I right? After that, you asked if you could change into a t-shirt because you felt stupid with your polo. I laughed but I took a photo of you in my head looking like that. 

I’ve never felt closer to you than that night. You talked about everything that changed in you since we last saw each other. New tattoos, new projects, new beginnings. I’m glad that you’ve come a long way from that slump. I’m really proud of you.

I still replay that night in my head at times and honestly, sometimes I wonder when we’ll be able to do that again. 

In front of the peaceful (from afar!) skyline when we’re supposed to be falling in love again, we found out that it really was over. I looked at you without any regret or pity that I thought would feel if ever I see you again. More than anything, I knew that that date made us real friends.

I also realized that our story have ended a long time ago. We never had that serious talk or huge fight, but we had that night. It was a post script in our letter - a follow-up note showing us that we are finally okay, as friends.

The next time we go out, I know it’ll be a lot different with much different expectations. The letter I’ve written for you may have ended, but I’ll always look forward to writing more post scripts for you. 

Keep stinging like a beemer, Lightning. 

[shaecanilao]

I’m scared of a lot of things when it comes to you. I’m scared that you won’t feel the way so I’d rather keep it to myself. I’m scared that you’ll feel the same way and then I’d find out that this I can’t commit to this anyway. I’m scared that if I choose this part now, being your friend, I won’t be able to play the part in the long run. What if someone wants to take that place? What if someone does the things I wanted to do? Will I be able to just stand there like a good friend? Or, will I cry myself to sleep with every sight of you? 

[shaecanilao]

Every time I get thoughts of running with it, I always end up realizing that you’re not part of my plan. When I leave, which I know I will, you’ll be here. When I come back, you’re gonna have a whole different life without me. No matter what I do now, it’s won’t matter because it’s going to end all the same. 

PS. Why does this always happen to me? What the fuck.

[skeletoninspace]

His look in this film is a true gift to mankind

[shaecanilao]

Last

All this time, I had this part of my life hidden and untold because it was a complicated time when I didn’t really understand what I was feeling. My family was in chaos and I knew in my heart that I was scared to trust people with my feelings. With bottled up emotions and repressed anger, I turned my back on you. 

As I go back to the beginning I find it amusing that I really didn’t tell anyone about you, not even my best friend, because frankly I didn’t even know that something was happening. Never did I imagine that I would feel the way I did for you.

When my family was breaking apart, you listened to my rants. I couldn’t tell the people close to me because they know my parents well and I didn’t want their image of those two to change. So, I turned to you.

You were just there on the other line, always listening and telling me that everything was going to get better. You helped me get through and I’ll always thank you for it.

God knows I loved you, my OJ - with all that I had.

I didn’t know then how it was to really open up to someone and be emotionally vulnerable. Despite everything that was happening around me, I found happiness in being with you.

We didn’t even get to date properly as it took us way too long to realize that we both wanted to be together. If only I could go back in time, I would’ve jumped the gun. Maybe then, I would’ve had more time with you. Maybe I could’ve kissed you, even had all firsts with you. 

When you left 2 months before my 18th birthday, I thought I’ll be able to handle it. I thought I was mature enough to take on that kind of relationship. Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

I still left that 18th rose spot open for you because I just didn’t know who could fill in that role - I didn’t want anyone to. That was yours no matter where you are.

I know you won’t believe it if I tell you now because of everything that has happened and how you got to know my present self, but I love you still. It may not be the same love that we used to have, but you will always have my heart no matter what.

Breaking up was an easy way out for me at the time. Although it turned out to be one of my life’s biggest regret. I still remember being proud of that decision thinking that I was sure of what I wanted. We both know how that came about.

Few months after you left and after we’ve broken things off, I sneaked out of town for an overnight trip. It was that stupid mistake of me kissing someone when I was drunk. That was my first kiss. Then this wave of emotions hit me and all the way home, I had this empty pit in my chest that wouldn’t go away. I wanted that to be you. But, I’ve lost my chance. I let you go.

When you came back not long after to finalize your transfer to the university and to clear things out left in here, I was so scared to see you. What if you were doing so much better than I was? That night I got the kiss that I was waiting for, but it was so different. It felt too late.

All these years, I’ve buried you in the back of my head and pretended like it was all fun when we were together - that we went back to being just friends like nothing ever happened. It has worked so well so far, let me tell you. 

But, as I sit in silence this one night. It was a song that you never realize would hit so hard that sent all the memories back. Last Kiss by Taylor Swift. Every word hit like it all happened yesterday. I want to be something you miss.

I admit. Sometimes I still wonder what will happen if you change your mind and come back for real. I wonder, if we get another chance, will the kiss finally feel right?