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@sharayah-g
Mom stuff.
I feel like a guilt consumed horrible mother. I let my son around someone who was off getting high every chance he got. They never got high around him but it was still in their system. I let them drive him around. I let them be with him...
I didn’t know any of this was happening until recently but I still feel like a guilt consumed horrible mother.
Stay in school, don’t do drugs, punk.
Week 2-ish
Well this has been a whirlwind of a week. So much has happened that is making me question and reevaluate A LOT. I still do not even know how to process everything that I have learned this past weekend alone.
One thing for sure is that I cannot be the reason for someone’s happiness. Yes, I can make you happy but I refuse to be the reason for your happiness. You cannot be happy unless you make yourself happy just like you cannot love until you love yourself.
Another thing is I need to find a way to keep my soul calm. My well being depends on it and I need to think more zen. #thingsbasicbitchessays but it’s true, I need to do that.
My challenges this week are to be more zen, less phone time, more veggies and to carry my Bible with me. The last challenge is from my best friend, Josh, who is one of the most Godliest men I know and he always makes sure I stay on track with God which I need also need to work on.
As my boy, Max Goof says:
Lets do it, to it.
Week 1
2019 has begun and boy has it already thrown some crap my way, but you know what? It’s a new week. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll get to cleaning my room. I’ll shower some time in the next 24 hours. And I’ll slowly but surely finish what I started.
The Bears losing did not help anything. Those damn field goals🙄😫 whatever I’m over it...for now.
Honestly, my mind is busy and my ambition is hungry. I have goals not only that are in my reach but also within my son’s reach.
We just need to breathe, love, be kind and let it go!
Look out ‘cause here I come and I’m marching on to the beat I drum.
New post every week!
Temple
I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see me, but who is me exactly?
My body is a temple.
A temple adorned by a lion’s mane fueled by red oil with bays of blue.
My temple is not a perfect temple, for it has been invaded by unknown visitors. The walls have cracks and holes. Some walls have even been knocked down.
The windows, while still blue, are cloudy yet clear. The battles that have been fought before them have taken their toll but the windows see more than ever.
So many colors. So much knowledge. So many experiences. So...much.
It’s a wonder my temple is still standing. It’s a wonder my temple even has walls.
But there is one thing that is overlooked about my temple.
My temple, although falling apart, stands on faith and strength.
As long as my faith is strong and my strength doesn’t fail, I will forever stand tall against whatever is thrown my way.
School...
So I am pretty sure I failed this semester...okay maybe not the semester but definitely 2 of my classes. I don’t know what got into me this semester but school was NOT a priority. I don’t know what is going on with me personally. I could not tell you. I became so sloth-like, empty and honestly a bit rude. I don’t like it...the only solution is to change but the more I think about changing the more I freeze. I like change, change is good. I guess I need a change of scenery and schedule. I need to reconnect with my church people instead of copying the habits of those that I work with. I’m starting to lose myself and I don’t really understand why.
I think I need to go on a quest to find myself again...I should pack a bag
My problem is...
I overthink. I overthink a lot. It was bad when I younger because it would cause me to shut down completely and turn into this statue like person. It still causes me to shut down but I talk it out now with either friends, mom, and boyfriend and I feel better after venting. But there is one major cause to my over thinking and it is that I think too far ahead into the future.
The future is great! I can’t wait to live my future, but I get too excited for it too quick and I am almost 21 years old. Like I want to skip ahead to having a family and living our lives. I need to stop doing that and focus on the NOW, where I am NOW.
Right now I am sitting in Intro to African history class as an Owl. I am a college student who is probably failing this semester and not doing a thing about it because I do not know what I can do and no one knows except for me…I have 2 weeks left of the semester with lots of work to do and I need to just sit down and get all of my homework done and at least finish strong and start new next semester.
Right now I have a great boyfriend who I have lots of feelings for that he doesn’t know about and won’t know unless I tell him but I won’t because I am kind of terrified of how he will respond.
Right now I have great friends and kids who always make me smile no matter how dark my day seems and about to have one more that I can NOT wait to meet!
Right now I have the Carrie Underwood song “Before he cheats” stuck in my head because I am starting every line with “Right now…”
Right now I have a fantastic family who are more than I could ever ask for! We have not seen each other much since the semester started but that’s what makes each hour spent together more special.
Right now I have a job that I love! Not really sure what is going on behind the scenes but on the front being with family is awesome. I don’t know where our relationship will be with the company within the next year but I do know that these people will definitely be in my life until the day I die.
Right now, right now, right now. That’s what I need to focus on. Getting my degree in History, working on my relationships with boyfriend/friends/family, enjoying life and making every last second count. Not rush ahead but instead stay on the level I'm on until it is completed and then move to the next step. Take a deep breath and relax, the future will happen in its on time. Not on my time.
October...
This has been a weird month. I have lost all motivation to do anything that would better my future. I stopped doing homework, going to the gym, home responsibilities and even stopped talking to my friends at school. And the tiredness oy vey don’t even get me started on that! My priorities shifted from the Shay Plan to just working and fun...I don’t like it. I like working and fun. I love fun, but school needs to be thrown in there as well. I think next semester I need to cut back a little bit...not work so much and clog up all of my free time for just fun. It’s no ones fault but my own, I lost my step and starting to lose my head. School is important and I need to make that priority again.
Today is October 30th, 2015. Sunday starts November...I have one more day of ultimate fun before I crack down and focus on what is important. That’s my goal, for November.
No Netflix, less phone, and less work (if possible). Being a successful Temple Owl comes first and getting to where I want to be physically as well comes first.
More homework and more gym. More Shay time and less procrastinating.
It’s time to hit the mattresses and keep on fighting to reach my goals!
Let’s do it, to it!!!!
Previously on Shay’s Life:
It has been a crazy month! I’m still getting used to my classes, the homework (that I have to look at more...), work, my twins plus Wednesday night kiddos, and this thing I try to call asocial life...I’m proud of myself that I haven’t succumb to drinking 5-6 cups of coffee! I could be doing better diet wise, but other than that everything is going GREAT! I love being an Owl! Had one test already and I’m hoping for at least a C, I didn’t study for it as well as I had hoped, but it was easier than I thought **insert sunglasses emoji here**
Work is going good. I don’t serve on Friday nights anymore which is perfectly fine with me. I like serving but I love food running more. There’s more excitement, exhilaration and being able to talk to both kitchen and serving staff makes my job a lot more fun! I love working there! The people will always have my back and I hope they know I will always have theirs if they ever need it. I love them! <3 I don’t really know what else to say except that I do love them.
All my kids are good! Still smiling, laughing, not so many timeouts anymore and they are all potty trained (thank the good Lord Almighty!) The twins told me an interesting thing the other day though: Reagan(girl): Parker (who is a boy) doesn’t have a vagina.” Parker: no, I don’t have a vagina. Reagan: What does Parker have? <--- this was a real conversation they had with me. They are 3 years old and know what the word vagina is! I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I was shocked and appalled that that word came out of their mouths. I asked them where they heard it and they said “Mommy” and then I asked them again and they said “Costco” so I have no idea where they heard it but when I do find out I am going to have talking with them because they shouldn’t know that word until they are at least... 10-11 years old in 5th grade when they start learning about health like I did! and if it was their mother...oh boy are we going to have a talking to...
But anyway, enough with vagina talk. There’s this guy that I like, we will call him...John. He is a sweet, funny, cute guy and we have gone on 4 dates already. it’s the strangest thing I have ever done! I’ve never just dated anybody. It’s fun and as a girl I get free food out of it so of course there’s that huge upside! :D We are doing a movie night at his place tomorrow so I’m excited!
And now on Shay’s Life:
I need to get my priorities right again. Started slacking off a little bit these past two weeks and I need to set the record straight. God, school, kids, work, social life. <---in that order!
New school year!
This past Monday I started at Temple University and I LOVE it! Seriously I do! It's easy to get around, classes seem simple enough and I like going on the train. I like trains! (But no affiliation with the career my dad's side has with trains...I just like to ride them) the only downside so far is that I haven't made friends yet...I know it's only been the first week but I haven't even met anyone. I met one guy in a class but we haven't really talked since Monday. Making friends is hard! Especially when you have an independent/loner mindset because it makes it harder, for me anyway, to break out of my routine. Like if something is out of my way I will not go do it because it interferes with my life. I put myself first and always first. It's not a purposeful thing, I don't mean to do that. It is the person I have become but I don't want to be that type of person. I don't do it arrogantly, but it comes across as that. So that is something I have to work on: breaking out of my routine, not living so much on a schedule but just living. Yes, I have work, church, my kids, and gym along with social life but I shouldn't have to live to their schedule every day, if that makes any sense. Another kind of downfall is that....I regret not moving in at Temple. It's awesome that I'm saving an extra two thousand or so dollars but I feel like I would be getting more if I did live down there, but then again I wouldn't be able to work, see my kids, my puppy or hell I probably wouldn't even sleep much. Not that I sleep much at home now but you catch my drift. Next semester though I am definitely moving down here. If not at Temple then hopefully somewhere out of my house now. I've been in the Q too long and this girl needs a change of scenery! I'll work my butt off to do so! I need to keep my head up, not think so much and remember I can do all things through Him that strengthens me!
Over Thinking...
I had a moment of over thinking while leaving the bank today. I don’t know what it was but it came out of no where. It also doesn’t help when people do not answer my questions. *insert over it emoji here* And here’s the real kicker, they are the ones who start with the mysterious conversations! I don’t understand why people do that. Just be straight forward with me. I am a big girl who has been through enough heart ache to handle anything thrown my way. This is how it should go: you start the mysterious conversation, I ask the questions I have and then you answer them. Not that hard of a concept there babe!
Seriously though I was, well...am, over thinking over nothing. I know what I know and if they think I don’t know then that’s fine. I may not know exactly, but I know more than you think, so save us both the trouble and fill in the cracks and we can move on! Please and thank you!
Refreshed!
I don’t know what it is but the past few days have been an emotional ride. Mentally I have been what felt like going crazy, but today is Monday. Last night at work I was at my lowest point of the weekend. I don’t know why this keeps happening, I thought it was girl stuff but I don’t really know what it could be. I guess it could the fact that I have tons of adventures I want to go on but no one to go on them with. Yes, I have friends but not all my friends are as adventurous as I am. I don’t know what it is but today is Monday. It’s a new week. Time to put the past behind me and move on. Started the day with a green smoothie, eating a quesadilla now and then going to go work the crap out of my abs!
The sun is shining, the secadas are buzzing, and God is good!
HEBREWS 12:1 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
It’s time to keep on keeping on!
One year
One year ago this week I was house sitting. One year ago Tuesday we talked until 3 AM learning more about the other. One year ago yesterday I had off work to have a me day. One year today I felt like complete shit but had to work anyway. One year ago today I was happy to see you walk in deciding to stay all day. One year ago today we cleaned yogurt machines while I wanted to lay down and sleep. One year ago you made me dinner filled with iron so I wouldn't collapse and made sure I was okay. One year ago it was Wine Wednesday and I found I don't like red wine. One year since you dove into the pool and I was told you liked me. One year ago we were left alone to talk and we found out more. One year since you told me a secret and I told you a secret. One year since I pulled your sunglasses shirt so you could kiss me One year since I stayed until 4:24 AM. One year since I felt loved and happy. One year since I've wanted to talk. That was a year ago... Today I'm on my own with no one to talk to or love me like I thought you did. I don't obsess I don't stay up crying I don't hate you Frankly I have moved on But there is that thought...that hope...in the back of my mind of how things would be different if you were still mine... I'll still answer if you call but I'm not sitting around waiting
Mom
I have the best mom in the world. Over the past two years the two of us have become closer and I couldn't ask for anything more! But the past two years there has been a change in her... It's unsettling... I'm not going to go into details for my mom's sake but her mind set has changed from positive to...I don't even know but it's unsettling and it breaks my heart....I feel helpless. I have this need of making sure everyone I care about is happy and okay but I feel helpless when it comes to her. I love you so much mom, please come back to me....to us
Girls...
This whole being a girl thing is quite annoying. If you think about it, there are only 2 weeks every month that we are actually considered normal. That’s how I feel. I go from being and feeling awesome, normal ya know...human like and then the next week I am all quiet and tired for no dang reason then the week after that I get “rewarded” for not being pregnant. Instead of lasting a week it feels like it goes on for two. Being quiet for no reason is absolutely unnecessary. It drives people crazy! And for someone who likes being loud, outgoing, spontaneous, adventurous and keep on keeping on IT MAKES ME ANGRY AND THERE IS NO WAY TO STOP IT. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Monday the 20th
So it’s Monday. Not much happened and not much is on my mind to blog about but I think everyone is the Northeast can agree that it was HOT today...like oh my god hot!
My BFFFL introduced me to a new band, Coleman Hell, and I love them! Take Me up and 2 Heads are my favorite songs so far. The beats, music and even the lyrics are awesome and on my way home from my kids I was drumming along on the steering wheel the whole ride. Highly recommended! Check Coleman Hell out!
Finished filling out loan papers for college and I really hope I either marry rich or marry a guy who is good with numbers because I hate all that. I do not understand any of it, but it is all done and now we wait 24 hours to see what kind of money I am getting.
I don’t have anything else to really say so I will leave you with this:
I’m thankful to all those who have said “No”,
it’s because of them
I did it myself.
These are the words of Einstein. If someone does not offer you help do not wallow and think “No one cares or wants to help me”, stand up, put on your big boy (or girl for all you femi-nazis) pants and do it yourself. Be independent.
Forgiveness
Out of everything that I have come to face in life I would have to say that forgiveness is the hardest thing I have had to do. We all have been screwed over once or three times in our lives and it sucks. It can literally make or break you. For me: Screw me over, that’s fine. But the second you screw my family over...forget it. But I can’t keep thinking like that. I know it’s wrong and not what I believe in but the only out is to forgive the other person. Once you do that a HUGE load will be lifted off your shoulders and you feel free. It is the hardest thing to do, I forgive some easily but others I just can’t find it in me to forgive them. We must forgive like He forgave us...Lord knows I am trying but it so hard!
Why the long face?
It’s annoying looking on the positive side of everything…not everything is sun and rainbows. To be honest, I hate being single. I hate not having someone to talk to and tell about my day. I hate not having anyone to hold hands with when we go on adventures or watching a movie. I hate not having any guy being by my side. Yes, I have the best friends in the entire world but I miss having that special best friend. I have had guys who are interested in me but I don’t feel the same towards them, they aren’t…him. Ya know? I’m fine on my own, it’s pretty great. You do what you want without anyone telling you no or worrying about anyone else but I miss the worry. I miss the “No Shay, don’t do that!”. Never listened to the “No!” but the concern was nice. It's like I'm Barney discovering his feelings for Robin! I want to do all these things with someone but I don't want to be their stupid girlfriend. Being single is great, but I really do not like being alone.