Title: Note
Genre: Romance
Rating: K+Â
Characters: Eren Jaegar + Annie Leonhardt (erannie)
Was his reaction delayed?
Eren wanted to be alone, but he didn't have to voice this to Mikasa and Armin. They gathered he required space; a moment to recollect his thoughts, come to terms with what happened. When the two left him, Eren lay there, staring up at the ceiling. He noticed a couple of cracks in the paint, some long, some small, some tiny dots. And, bizarrely, he wondered if the barracks had cracks everywhere; and he thought someone should fill in the gaps, before the building fell.
That was when he sat upright, and ran his hands through his hair. His heart was pounding; it was so fast, he was afraid it might explode. His throat tightened, and finally, finally, he reacted. Tears stung his eyes, his head ached, and an ugly sensation swirled in his stomach. Something stung. It was a sharp pull, it pinched him and he winced, triggering a tear to land on the sheets. Jarring his teeth, he inhaled quickly, then exhaled.
While he felt anger, he was also upset. Hurt. Betrayed. He was confused, uncertain, and was desperate for answers. He wanted to stand, he wanted to grab her by the shoulders, shake her, and ask why. Demand why. Why? Why did she do it? What compelled her to do what she did? What was wrong with her? What the fuck is wrong with you, Annie? Did she not care? Did she not even consider how her "comrades" felt? (How he felt?)
Surely –– please let there be a reason. No one would kill so many people without a damned reason. Annie had a reason. Eren told himself yes. Of course she had a reason. But she didn't tell him. She didn't tell him her reason, and she didn't tell him this was a game to her. A game of poker, and she was brilliant at it. She knew her cards and would lay them when the time was right. Eren, however, had a fantastic set but didn't know how to play. He was frazzled, frantic, uncertain.
His reason for fighting, he realised, was no longer enough. Because, suddenly, he was shaking and hating her. He hated her in every way possible. He loathed her with such a sickening disgust, it made him want to vomit. Eren gasped, furious he was crying –– furious he would ever cry for a traitor. A cruel, cold, horrid girl who didn't hesitate to stab him in the back. How much he didn't want to believe she was the Female Titan; he knew she was, he wasn't a fool. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't look her in the eye and think she would possibly be his enemy.
Anger was nothing compared to what he felt then; what he felt for her.
(What he still felt for her.)
He moved. Throwing the sheets of his weak body, Eren approached the desk where a nurse had left her pad of paper. Snatching it, he returned to his bed and pulled out the pen attached to the binder. Then he wrote:
Annie,
If you were dead, I'd be a happier man. You've incased yourself in some sort of crystal –– you survived –– and after everything you've done, you don't deserve to live. You're a murderer. Plain and simple. You are exactly what I promised to destroy, and I would have destroyed you. I would have done it. I can still do it now. If you appeared to me today, I would kill you in a second. I would kill you––
Eren stopped, scrunched his eyes closed and screwed up the piece of paper before flinging it over his shoulder. Without a pause, he was already writing another letter.
Why did you bother? What was the fucking point? You wasted your time helping me train, and you wasted your time befriending yourself with everyone else –– why would you do that, and then turn out to be some traitorous bitch?
Furiously, he scribbled out the paragraph.
That's what you are: a bitch.
And he laughed, surprising himself. He laughed because he honestly couldn't write how much he hated her, how much she had hurt him. He laughed because, even after everything she had done, he still liked her. He still cared about her and still thought about her. He still felt. He still felt something for her and he would never forgive her for that. He would never forgive her for making him feel this way. Because Mikasa would be able to kill and be rid of Annie in a heartbeat, whereas Eren didn't have it in him. No longer were his reasons in black and white.
Vengeance wasn't a good enough reason anymore.
The boy had been proved wrong in the harshest way possible.
This time, when he wrote, he was calmer. He wouldn't lie and pretend to hate her. Not anymore; he wasn't strong enough.
Annie,
Hating you is exhausting. I know you had a reason for doing what you did; you're smart. That's one thing I've always liked about you –– how smart you are. I'm not surprised Mikasa felt a rivalry with you. You're both equally brilliant soldiers. I guess I admired you in a way, but I don't think "admire" is the correct word. There was always something a little off about you. You always knew what you were doing, but you acted as if you didn't want to be here. As if something was distracting you the whole time.
Maybe one day you'll tell me what was distracting you? No one should have to live a life bottling everything in. I know I wouldn't last a day if I did that. You don't have to either. You can trust me –– I hope you did trust me in some sense, like I trusted– Like I trust you. You must think I'm an idiot, trusting you after what you did, but trusting you is all I can do. I trust you knew what you were doing, even if you did it in such a terrible manner.
I'm nothing like Corporal Levi, and I never will be. I can't look at you and wish to see you mutilated and dead. I can't hate you, and I can't––
Eren pressed a hand to his forehead, and forced his hand to keep writing.
––stop thinking about you either. I'm an idiot, I know that, so I'll be an idiot and say I'll wait for you to escape that prison you're in. And I'll keep you safe, too. From whatever it is you're trying to run from.
It helped, being honest, but he wasn't satisfied. He still felt empty.
Eren placed the letter aside, and stared into the distance for a moment. Lowering his gaze to paper, he wrote three words, and wrote over them again and again, until the lettering was thick and bold on the paper.
She was an enemy, but she wasn't his. And he couldn't believe himself. He couldn't believe he let this happen, that he was accepting such a ridiculous thought. But he would wait for her, no matter how long it took, and he knew he had never been a bigger fool in his life. It felt good, though. Knowing that; now he was finally sure.
A small, sad smile reached his lips and he tried another letter –– just one more.
Annie,
I miss you.
Come back to me.
Eren
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