sheemp

once more without feeling

[sheemp]

today my sadness goes under me

A thickening fabric

Looping and tugging through my stomach

I feel the ache

It’s attached to the core of heart

And it’s pulling me to the floor

Like the ringing of pain

except it is darker

and deeper

I feel my eyes are not mine but empty pockets of light

Unblinking and dull

My mouth is foreign and unmoving

The only thing left of me are my eyelashes

Which I feel only by the tears that fall off them

[sheemp]

I am a solo creature

I can go through the day alone with skin of steel

A smile that never reaches my eyes

Of course, I am loved

I just wish I could feel it sometimes

I go days weeks months with my impenetrable resolve

And no one will notice my deep and endless sadness

I am strong. I am lonesome.

I wish someone would know me

Comfort me

See me

I want to be loved in a way that I feel it

A part of me knows that it is this way because of me

I grew up being alone and rarely loved

I hide my trauma deep within and build walls higher and higher

I seek distractions always

I never want to feel this way

So I try to escape the day away

I sometimes cry at night and cling to my heart

Grasping for something that isn’t there

A hand, a caress, a breath

It just gets darker

And darker

And I am left with a hole that only seems to widen to hold more sorrows and regrets

I want someone to see me

Look me in the eyes

And tell me I dont have to pretend for them

I wish I could be that for them too

[sheemp]

A sudden and immense emotion

I am so okay with being by myself

I’ve grown so strong and resilient

My past gives me armor

I feel okay with being by myself

I am forever thankful for this feeling

But sometimes

A crack will appear

And it will grow and grow until a shatter

And my illusion of strength

Leaves with it

And I am left with a aching feeling

That I am not the one

For anyone

Rebuild…reconstruct…reimagine…

I am okay with being alone

Life isn’t so bad with just myself

It’s okay

I’m okay

[sheemp]

…………. There is never a moment where I am not thinking of my body And of what it could be So beautiful, as my face I have the potential I have the parts I tell myself that one day, I will change and wake up And finally find my true self She will be so beautiful, as all the other girls are.

Sometimes I wish I loved who I was now That the mirror would reflect how I wish I was.

I think of my entire life, the constant flow of me thinking that I am not enough It is a shame no one came around to convince me otherwise But that is just how life is. You can not expect people to find you, see what you need, and be that for you. You have to do it yourself. I can not be bothered… It is hard…to be the person I want to be when most days I do not want to exist at all.

[sheemp]

I feel like I’ve had a mental breakdown everyday for the past week

Lord give me the strength to not let these bad men back into my life

The past has hit me upside the head with freaking curveballs and double takes I honestly have no idea how to comprehend information I have learned about people that I once knew

What the fuck

[spitblossoms]

[sheemp]

chalk on chalkboard

nothing left

I scratch out names

the letters become monsters

my reflection pointing and laughing at me

Ah yes, It was always meant to be like this.

there’s nothing left!

imagine that, a world filled with people, and yet

there is only me

inside me

I want to break glass

I want to scream at the top of my lungs

I want someone to silence me with their lips

Tragedies line up around me

Poke me with sticks 

throw rocks

ah yes, it’s just how it is

Now push away everyone you know

Push away the people you wish you knew

Rip out my hair

Because it has to be all my doing

It HAS to be.

I deserve it all

I hate you

and your dumb reflection

[sheemp]

Lonesome memories

I don’t want to let anyone else in

Because I still think of you everyday

It was a friendship I never knew I could have

And I still miss it

Everyday

I miss you.

It was the most enjoyable and easy friendship I ever had

Something that was so simple but so deep in my heart

And I hate that I feel this way

I hate it passionately

I hate how much I still think of it.

Because I know I’m just dust now

But I can’t help myself from thinking what went wrong

How did I become something you were so annoyed by?

Because I am so, I suppose.

So I don’t want to let anyone else in

Because I don’t believe I could or deserve another friendship like the one we had.

And as my eyes begin to weep, as my tears wet my face

I am filled with the bittersweet memory of what it felt like to have someone I loved so much.

As my life is breaking into pieces, and being glued back together, I still feel like I am missing a part of myself

And it’s you. Maybe it was just what we had, or what I believed we had. Because I will never know how you feel about it, or if even still think about me.

I picture myself forgotten, maybe I’m brought up in conversation, “remember...what’s her name? Alexis?” And I see you laughing. Like how much of a joke I was, and how big of a mistake I was to be known. It stings so bad. It hurts so bad knowing that I am probably hated. And yet here I am, crying still over what I lost. This one sided friendship I will probably never have again.

I am still trying to accept it. I hate how I cry. I hate how I feel so lonely over someone that does not feel the same. To be honest, it’s a pain worse than heartbreak. Because my heart can always heal from losing a lover. But I can never get back that piece you have of me. It is yours forever.

I hope I can soon forget you. But still, in all my silent moments

I am left with a thought of you. It hurts more knowing you don’t feel the same

And I feel like a damn fool for feeling this way.

I pray, please God, let me forget this.

Let me be satisfied with solitude once more.

Let me be happy again.

[sheemp]

Pieces of me

I want to let go of people

But I hold onto them

And their memories

Because when they knew me and when I knew them I felt so complete

I would go to sleep knowing that I had connections

But friends can disappear so easily

And they take that warm feeling with them

They taunt you with it, and it makes you think oh maybe I never deserved it

Maybe I didn’t deserve any of it

I feel I am less interesting

I am so very not interesting. So when people try to get in, to know me, I hesitate.

Do I show them or do I don’t?

I sometimes caught myself adapting to them, becoming something that they liked, loved even.

I become so good for them and for a good while, I convince it is who I am.

But the truth is there’s nothing here.

And so when friends strip away the surface of my exterior

When they peer inside the empty halls

They realize, that I am quite boring indeed.

I am torn to shreds when they rip me apart.

Sometimes they do it little by little, other times they’d much rather leave like a thief in the night—my warm heart still beating in the palm of their hand.

I let them oh how I let them. Walk all over me, mold me how you please. I am yours to be.

Even when I think I am myself again, you can catch glimpses of them when you least expect it.

My strength and my will breaks almost immediately

I am left stunned unable to speak or breathe

Because they have something

They know a me that is far more interesting than what I actually am.

I almost feel it boil and swell within me

The person they think I am, or were, or am now.

I can’t even fight it it’s so strong

Ashamed

I feel ashamed after it

Like they knew all along I was nearby, and they take pleasure parading around—my dead heart now dry and dusty in their clutches

You can have it

That piece of me you know so well

Because it was never me to begin with

Just someone I wanted to be

Or once knew.

[sheemp]

Passing ghost

I don’t want to be known

At least, not anymore

I don’t want to be remembered or heard

I don’t want to be passed around in conversation

I just want to be nothing at all, to mean nothing to all

Let my scratches on this earth be thoughtless memories

Make my face an object of silence

My voice a pointless whisper

I want to fade away- again and again, over and over

Let me be nothing

Leave no trail for anyone to follow

Leave no sign for others to find

Let no one in ever again

Forget me, and never know again

[sheemp]

2:58pm

I want the wind to carry me away

I want the sky to swallow me whole

I want a passionate embrace from the moon

And a whisper in my ear from stars beyond

Let me dissolve into the vast stream of the universe

Let myself become the weightless feeling of time

[sheemp]

Judgement

Sometimes I kiss the back of my hand.

It’s sensual- or at least, what I believe to be sensual.

I imagine being a man. Is my hand a nice hand?

I look into the mirror, stare at my hair, my eyes, my lips

Am I sexy? Elegant? Cute? Simple?

The questions roll around in my head.

Sometimes I touch my skin, let my fingers flutter around my thighs, drifting across myself.

Is she beautiful? Am I beautiful?

I can’t have the answer. The men can tell me sure, but it never seems like the true answer.

Who has the right response? Would I know the right answer when I hear it? Starting to believe It’s not about what they say but who it comes from.

It seems I am waiting for the approval of someone.

Will I ever stop searching for it?

I catch myself falling into hazy daydreams, the past or now impossible futures

Did I mess up somewhere? Take a wrong path? Who left me unattended? Who left me behind to feel the scorching rays of countless, staring, man eyes?

My fault. It was my fault. I take compliments and turn them into silhouettes. Like I am seeing myself clearly by digesting every little thing the men have to say about me. I can’t see who I am- not without the eyes of someone behind me. Telling me how I feel, how I look. I don’t feel pretty until they say I do.

Men. The boys turned old, as if age gives them the wisdom and knowledge of an articulate sage. They see me so clearly, at least, that is what I am engraved to believe. I possibly know otherwise, and yet...here I am wondering...

What do I look like in the eyes of them?

[sheemp]

[sheemp]

It is this road again

Time and time I travel, the street now named after me

Failing the same lesson over and over.

No I do not learn. Because I let myself believe that it can be different this time.

No. It won’t ever be.

So I should stop shedding these tears. Stop talking. Do not bother.

Not worthy of anything or anyone’s company.

It is just who I am. Still it stings...

Stings every time I think about it. I am not wanted...or desired...an annoyance at best

It’s ok it’s ok it’s ok

At least in this way, I know I won’t make anyone sad if I just leave everything behind.

Goodbye. I won’t be writing again.

[sheemp]

Reactionary

A voice can reach you from anywhere

Miles and miles of land and sea between us

And you say something,

unintelligible

But that voice is a droplet of water

Hitting the still pond and causing chaos

Rippling across the once tranquil sea

I wake up in a cold sweat

Surely, you don’t have that much power over me?

[ye-temno]

[sheemp]

It’s nothing.

tossing stones at mirrors

sending glances at your direction

not enough for you to notice

I think, it is nothing

it is nothing

it is nothing

I repeat, in my head

nope I don’t feel a thing

there I said it—again.

when will I believe it?