the under side of my skin

more like an onion than any thing else.

[sienamarilyn]

Depression as a tik tok you can’t scroll away from

that keeps playing while you run

cause you don’t have it in you

to swipe ever again (for now)

I miss my dad but I dont see him much anymore anyway so

when I miss my dad I look for him but what I find doesn’t seem much like what I remember

I see someone else I miss my dad

but I have a new dad so I don’t need to be sad.

But I still miss my dad.

I am fighting inside my head and when it’s over I

remember my dad is alive and i miss him.

I am so so mad and still I miss him.

It just feels so sad and––

and when it feels sad, I think about the hole

and all the things we said and did and had that fell in…

how do we find them again? Without climbing in too?

I miss you

So I watched all of BoJack Horseman and

it felt like I was with you

You gave me my first sips of alcohol

when I was six or seven, just like Sarah Lynn,

and it wasn’t at church. It was straight from the bottle

You’re BoJack. The relationship between him and

Penny ––

please neither are real and thank god

its just a funny cartoon and not real life.

but in every joke there’s an ounce of truth.

So I guess it just made me think of you.

You’re running and you’re buzzed and a little high.

You’re running and you’re swiping on tik tok to keep the thoughts away.

Who knows what changes other than the traffic light– but at an intersection

the phone slips from your hand

and man you miss your dad and everything you ever had.

And everything comes rushing in – beyond that void and all voids left in you––

i mean everything…

Depression here is depicted as that tik tok that keeps playing mid-drunk-and-a-little-high run

cause your legs have stopped at the curb cause green light unlocks traffic

and you want to live

even if your brain tosses that same deadly thought

into the middle of the road just to feel something.

Thats just OCD you say something you were given too young.

You stand still and the tik tok plays over and over and over

again.

[sienamarilyn]

nely

[sienamarilyn]

[sienamarilyn]

Dude, the way you leaving changed everything.

I’m serious. Nothings been the same since like October.

Even things I thought were

Completely unrelated are—

at least partially are—

they are completely different.

So regret blew up introspection

And with it, the Greece trip.

and how to change it for next time?

Your actions as far as it goes.

Constance. Finding new things

Finding who?

Or simply following through.

Promises and consistence.

We don’t relate the same. Or we do

that’s it.

That’s it.

Who knows.

Instead

You just journal.

Vent to your spouse. Thank you for listening.

Just you

Cause when all you said was I love you

And left the rest…

I guess that’s why I came here in the first place

Here we always listen. We also judge.

But writing gives anything

A heart of gold. But here finds me

Staring down the barrel of the mason jar

And I think that

Sounds less sad

Maybe you could have written it that way instead.

[sienamarilyn]

It could be BPD or autism

[ But living in remission ]

My therapist has been trying to break up with me for the last several months.

She asks me what are you getting out of this?

I say, I don’t know but how do I live without you?

To which she says, okay

And she stays.

Today is different

Today

when she asks if it’s time we break up

I say, I’m afraid.

She says, I think it’s time you try life on your own

Remember that isn’t the same thing as being

Alone

You aren’t alone.

We do all this over the phone

And I don’t know if the tone of my voice

Conveys how hard good bye is

But I’m sure our history speaks for

What I think I can hide behind

Polite words and a smile.

Maybe it will only be a break

Maybe we say good bye

But only for a while

I ask her, if I want to, can I find you again?

If you want to, you can.

The assurance feels like the hug I will never get from her

Considering the distance and the boundaries;

the hug feels good.

She says, if you see me on the street

You have to say hi first.

I thought about running into my former Chicago therapist

On Damen. I was (not)stealth vaping weed

And I pretending I was happy.

I don’t think I am pretending so much

Anymore.

God I wish I had these thoughts before but

when I look back at who I was I don’t feel sad

I feel so so glad we made it to where we are.

I will, I say, I will of course. You won’t be able to miss me

I’ll stretch my arms as wide as they go, like my grandma does to regain her balance, like she’s about to take flight.

I’ll say hi first alright.

“Take care of yourself”

Thank you, you too.

My therapist and I broke up

And for the first time,

It was mutually decided

And amicably closed.

No hard feelings left to dispose of

Just this little feeling:

It’s soft and it is warm

And yet it still bites the backs of my eyes

But before I cry, I smile

[ Not because I have to ]

I smile

And I am so glad that I get to

For some how now

I understand you better

I think to myself

I understand how to take care of you

Or at least how to listen to you.

Thank you for seeing me through

Every day and every moment of

growing up

All of it

and the rest?..

To be continued…

[sienamarilyn]

Writing letters to the people you lost

Makes it easier to get your point across.

Rearranging words

into what should have been said

Is like winning an argument inside your head

Of course they’re proud of the things you went

And did after they’d already gone to bed.

Tears serve new purpose post-goodbye

So let’s just cry and try to remove

The need for sorry from our vocabulary.

But when it’s still there

When it’s necessary

admit it

you’re scared

Cry some more

Try some more

Crying is the first thing we ever did before

We were even conscious of what we’re doing.

I’m remembering I wasn’t always here before

Wishing you were here before

You went and went away.

[sienamarilyn]

‘And on the way down to your gut

Check in with your heart.’

- Ted Lasso

[sienamarilyn]

Chris and sien escape nightmare mode again:

Or the story of how two friends grew up

to become who THEY are today and

A lot more than what they were before.

I’m so exited to see where we go because

As long as we’re together I know

Our adventure will be

fun, funny, and full of dances in the kitchen.

Thank you for seeing me and for

reminding me to use designated crosswalks.

Thank you for loving me endlessly and so so tenderly

Even when I’m a lot.

I promise to always do my best for you.

I’ll always blow my nose

And not swallow my snot.

I am so lucky it’s you

With whom I get to do life and

I am so proud I get to be your wife.

All I can say now is,

GET READY

I am yours for eternity!!

I love you so much my chicken tender!!

Let’s dance, always

Forever & ever

s.m.m.

10.24.22

[sienamarilyn]

The irony

Of me

I still

Have habits

I’m trying

To break

Free

[sienamarilyn]

I didn’t go to therapy today,

Last week I got a parking ticket.

I brushed crumbs on the floor

And then felt bad about it.

I went to my grandma’s house today

And tried to contribute to conversation

Deep and slow

She got more out of it.

Laying by the cat

Under the bed I get

How really loud we all get.

Even though my mind was

Also scrolling

What brings me to these thoughts today?

That send me to panic

Trauma

She asked me yesterday does it still hurt

Yes it does

She said your life looks good today

And I just looked away.

Moody Wednesday.

Always been that way.

[sienamarilyn]

My patience w reality

Is super low

On a day like today.

Trying to figure out the best way

I will exist here.

Flames burn out

When you forget about

[ ]

[sienamarilyn]

I don’t exactly know

Figure out as I go.

Much inflation in future generations.

So I wrote a book of poetry and called it co

Dependency

We all take

Such different paths

To still

End up the same place.

Till then, it’s

Co(uld be)s

Depends and

(Wait)

And see ?

It all just exists

Regardless who pays for things.

[sienamarilyn]

Baton toss;

Last night I resigned as Little Miss.

Ma the witness

Who announces this

While feeding grandma

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

her jaw drops

Ready to receive

Bite of oatmeal cookie.

She loves it.

She’s a little miss.

Yes she is.

You’re Little Miss now.

What?

Siena gives up Little Miss.

Now it’s you.

[sienamarilyn]

What I learned watching videos of service animals

Is how much I am still hurting.

Despite despite despite.

[sienamarilyn]

I’d rather our story have no deliniated beginning.

It really is just a continuing

Of more knowing and unfolding

Then choosing to refold it better

Aka fall in love more better

Like losing your inhibition

To go under for a moment with

A breath held halfway in

Like repeating sentences

Hoping this time it’s clearer

[sienamarilyn]

Who helped you with your first successful tampon?

Ironically, my mom is

also the person who helped me put on my first binder.

I need your help with this.

She saw it all bunched up on my back

O I hate that

Up or down?

On

Cute she said, once on.

[sienamarilyn]

I just want you here.

Too many big feelings right now

Racing too fast

Maybe you were right and this was harder,

Unnecessarily… is that bad?

Hard is hard.

Medium is medium.

Easy is easy.

Hard is not easy

until you do it enough times

and you figure out why it’s hard

and how to make it less

(how to cope.)

Easy is not hard unless

you get impatient

with where you are.

Nightmare mode is nightmare mode.

Nightmare mode was beyond hard

(Made of moments that have since scarred..)

Hard is not nightmare mode.

Need to remember

when it’s hard

That we did

The worst part already

This is just sailing

Going steady

We’ll take life as it comes,

When we’re ready.

Wherever it takes us, baby

Doesn’t matter…

We escaped Nightmare mode

Together.