A Hope for Forever @silentscreamsofhope-blog-blog - Tumblr Blog

Friendship

I hate feeling this way.

So basically what I take from this is... People with allergies have a drama queen for a body!! #overreacting #immunology #nursingstudentlogic

#nursingstudentlogic #immunology #overreacting

Unwanted realizations

I'm never anyone's favorite. It's a fate I accepted long time ago. It still sucks though to be told that.

#pityparty lonerparty antisocialparty okaypitypartyover

I like me. Why don't you?

Is it because I do not have a bubbly personality? Is it because I am not the most sympathetic person in the world? Is it because I can be abrasive? Am I too tough skinned for you? Do I put up too many walls? Am I not bright enough for you? Am I not smart enough for you? These are all things I love and hate about myself. I don't let people in too far. I have a stop sign and if you try to go past it I will back away quickly. Very few people get past the walls encasing my soul. I was taught to be tough and take care if myself. It's a lesson I took to heart and never forgot. To this day I don't know how to let go of that.

#lacking #notenough #walls

Always alone

I've always done things alone in my life. More often than not if I don't want to ask people to do things or if they can't I will do them by myself. Lately I have gotten to the point lately where I would just rather do things alone than ask people to do things with me. I am not a big fan of rejection. I would rather be alone than deal with the possibility of being rejected.

#Alone lonely rejected

generalization and stereotyping

Why are lesbians so stupid, clingy, and can't be alone. This is not my opinion of all lesbians, by far, just the few I have associations with at the moment. Its like they can't be single and work on themselves before they jump from one relationship to another without a real break. Be alone for a little while and grieve. If no grieving is needed then just be alone for a little bit. Also why are they so attracted to people already in relationships? Yes i realizes that people who are already in relationships can, for the most part be a part of one, but they are in one and are not available for others.

They're not stupid, just frustrating.

#lesbians relationships single clingy

tanbeauty2k14

taught as a child, raised by children of God

I was always told "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all". i haven't always practiced that but i am definitely practicing that now. its hard to watch a person you have grown older with, watched them matured, someone you thought you had most of the same values with; now become someone you don't even recognize.

Cheaters and other women. i have no tolerance for the lot of them. the first time, not okay, but i can understand. it was the first time someone had given that kind of attention and an attachment happened way to fast and then the ability of how to stop it was gained. now stealing someone else;s girlfriend because you want her for yourself; that is unacceptable in my book. yes they were having problems before, but you didn't make them any better by shoving yourself in the middle of their relationship. "they were going to break up anyway." okay that's fine, give them the chance to end their relationship the proper way without getting more feelings hurt. people say "i can't help how i feel". i believe that is true, you can't help how you feel and who you have feeling for; but you can help your actions. your emotions don't control you, you control your emotions and if you don't have the self-control for that then stay away from the situation. also what else is driving me crazy is the "i feel bad for her", "i cared for her", "i didn't want her to get hurt this way". then why did you do it! you don't steal someones gf from them that you care about. you don't hide the fact that they are cheating with you. you be honest and own up to what you did. you give people time to heal without rubbing it in their face. you take time for yourself to figure out if this is really right for you. you don't jump into to bed with someone while they are in a relationship and then a few days after for every day after that. you saw what you wanted and you took it without any regard for someone else's feelings.

you want to know why things are weird between us. its not because you are with her, i like her. its not because she is here all the damn time, even though that is kind of annoying. its because of how you got with her. i cannot respect a relationship that starts like that. or a person who does that. i have never closely associated with people who do that or have that lifestyle for a reason. i don't believe, accept it, or like it. i tend to want nothing to do with people like that. if you can do that and be that selfish what makes me believe that you couldn't do something like that to me. i am pretty sure that if you were like this before we moved into together and became what we are now, we would not be any of the above. i am pretty sure we wouldn't even be friends like we are now. i no longer respect you as a person and i don't really know how to tell you to get that back. but you got what you wanted so what i think really doesn't matter. i am fine being alone, even when it sucks, and you have her now so you don't need me anymore anyway.

okay stepping down off my soapbox now

#cheaters #theotherwoman #homewreckers #selfish #norespect

left behind

Do you ever feel like you're getting left behind in life? Like people are moving around you without you. I am feeling that at the moment. Like I am living alone even though I am not. She has new friends, a new way of life, and doing new things. Things I am not a part of and do not really want to be, but I feel as these new things are replacing the old ones. Namely me! I don't know maybe I'm feeling a little nostalgic, or judgmental. Either way its what I am feeling. I am not a fan of the way I feel, but you can't help your emotions. They take over your body and soul and become a squatter until you release them from your body and soul. I guess they will be squatting a long time inside of me because I have no intentions of letting them out to be known. I really and glad to be writing again. I need an outlet where there isn't one and since no one knows i write or reads this I feel pretty safe here.

Until Next Time

always in the background

..:o)

Hes serious. Hes talking about spring and what we are going to do. He is talking about future for real. Do I hold my breath and count or do I just let it out and wait. I want to hold my breath!!! ...i think

A Familiar Feeling

I am holding my breath again. We are breaking apart. He is pulling away from me even though he says hes not, I can fell it. I haven't really seen him since Tuesday and last night was the first time we really talked. I am getting pushed to the side again. I feel like I am non-existent in his world when she is here. I have tried to explain this but i don't think he understands how much I am hurting. Yes, I am bleeding and my emotions are intensified, but I know how I feel regardless. This can't be happening again. Why does this always happen? Why don't i learn my lesson, instead of going through this over and over again. All of my life I have been second to everyone else. I am always replaced, and pushed to the back burner. Honestly that is where most of my insecurites come from. The fact that no one has ever wanted me as a constant. Yes I am always needed by someone at one point in time for one thing or another. Normally its the trivial stuff, but I am never anyone's constant. He is my constant and I hate it!!!

This is what Scares me

We had our first fight tonight. He flaked on me for the movies to do whatever with Doug. I got pissed because he didn't even call me. He told me when I called him to tell him i was gonna pick him up soon. I fell like an afterthought. I hate that feeling. I was so happy not feeling that way for the last 2 months. I don't want that feeling to come back. Anyway after he told me that and I got pissy he hung up on me. I think the thing that hurt the most was that he hung up on me and it was like I didn't even matter. This is what makes me scared of hoping for the future.

i miss you as my mind runs circles

I hate the emotion miss you. The routine which he hates is not broken. I always knew he hate routines, but i liked talking to him every night before i went to bed. i need to pour myself into Captivating once again. Ugh i really need to stop over-thinking things. there is no point and its unnecessary. he loves me and i know this. i wish i didn't feel stupid feeling the way i feel. i feel so weak and vulnerable ugh!!!!!

You've got all of me

The things you say scare me to death. The fact that you get jealous and upset that I spend time with them makes me happy and drives me crazy all at the same time. I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU!! i want you to be my forever, but i would never say that to you. you would probably turn around and run away. I'm waiting for the day when you don't know what you want anymore or you want sex so bad you let me go. i love you forever and sometimes i wish i could stop. but no matter what i am all yours and no one else.

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A Hope for Forever