「空」

Ezrah - infj - (trans masc non-binary) them/they - trash raccoon majoring in Korean Studies.

[skyehuong]

20210819

[skyehuong]

Thoughts: My relationship with my body

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my body during my teen years. How I did not have the words to express the scomfort I felt.

Being born as a female, body image is not something you'd expect a young teenage girl not to be affected by. And for a long time, I thought the kind of discomfort I felt was like everyone else. Everyone around me expressed it as "fat and ugly", so I started using those terms about myself - as you know, I somehow wanted to express that discomfort I felt.

In fact, I probably didn't feel fat at all, what I didn't like about puberty was the distribution of fat; my hips getting slightly wider, and generally.. looking softer and rounder?

I developed an ed, which I am not necessarily happy to talk about, but I remember prominent bones, skinny arms and legs and feeling cold. I also remember getting "misgendered" as a boy - and somehow.. that just made me feel good. But losing weight did not ease my discomfort in my own skin though, as it would never change the fact that I underneath my clothes, looked like a woman.

Back then, while being surrounded by many trans friends, I did not dare to look into it. Because as it seemed like with my friends, the social part of being female was not something I was bothered by. My birthname, the pronouns people used? If I passed or not? So I was not trans, right? Even though if I had to describe the discomfort I felt back then today, I would consider it body dysphoria.

Today, I consider myself on the slim-side. I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle and to work out regularly; as I'll probably benefit from that when starting T. And the more I accept that I'm what society considers transgender, the easier it gets for me to reflect on my past, which I've tried so hard to forget - or maybe more the feelings concerning it.

[skyehuong]

Ezrah Huong, 2021

[skyehuong]

Names

Did I act too fast?

Somewhat changing it legally is bittersweet; I never hated my birthname. It just turns out it has very feminine ‘connotations.’ and sticking to it would probably cause me so much trouble. I’m at a point in my life where I’m sorting out my mandatory exchange trip; and to be honest, I’d hate to have my birthname on my visa etc. especially considering that I’m going to South Korea; and my professors tell me that they’d be confused, if I asked them to call me something else; and to be honest I’d rather avoid that trouble. 

At the same time, It was starting to bug me, to see my name on lists at work; its a huge company, so a lot of the other departments didn’t get my ‘coming out’ email. / due to the pandemic we are working across departments, so people would often ask for my birthname, which put me in an awkward position. 

But at the same time, did it force me into making a ‘hasty’ decision? 

When I think about it, I haven’t been going by my birthname for years; most of my friends have called me Skye - so maybe that is why it felt so easy? yet, its bittersweet.

[skyehuong]

Its really hard to exist these days, huh? I was able to keep my chin up for so long, but now feel like there are so many things I no longer can’t ignore, and it makes me so exhausted. 

[skyehuong]

“I don’t really know what to talk about today” I said last week, as my therapist and I went for our bi-weekly walk.  While existing is hard, I can’t come to think of any ‘inappropriate’ responses to things lately. I’ve come to accept that things are this way; which makes the waiting time extremely exhausting. For me, it is extremely frustrating that I can’t do anything but kill time; and with the pandemic time flows differently and the days easily become very monotonous. To try to deal with that, I’ve started doing some asana/vinyasa flow workouts every morning to work on strength and flexibility.

I got my last appointment with my ‘counselor’ at the gender clinic tomorrow, so at least I’m on the right path; and I’m more than halfway. 

[skyehuong]

내가 에스라야 🐇

[skyehuong]

I’m slowly including more and more social circles in calling me Ezrah; as it’s starting to feel more and more comfortable. It feels good.

[skyehuong]

31.12.2020 🎆

[skyehuong]

When it took swimming away from me

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. Might be the influence of having been home at my parents’ during Christmas. While I enjoyed seeing my family again, as I haven’t had the opportunity to go home a lot this year, It was also a reminder of how I felt when I lived back home.

Though, I’ve had some great conversations with my mom. At some point she said: “...I once had a child who loved swimming more than anything else, but she suddenly stopped... and now I understand why.” I was 13-14 years old. Back then I didn’t think twice about the discomfort, or I thought it was something else.

I hope that one day I’ll feel comfortable enough in my own body, so that I can go swimming again.

[skyehuong]

it’s been a while

[yoyo0109]

[skyehuong]

Hi, I so happy you're back!!

I come back once in a while! hehe I’m a lot more active on twitter and instagram these days tho!

[skyehuong]

If my birthname was unisex, I’d keep it. For me, a name is just something you use to refer to me, society decided that it was to be associated with “female.”

Thus, pronouns doesn’t matter a lot to me either, its simply just words you use to refer to me in third person. Studying the Korean language has made me realize that they’re actually very unnecessary. In the same manner, it feels a little fake when people refer to me as “he” because that is not how I feel (yet); it might change some day, who knows?

To me, my gender identity is non-binary; because I will never be a cis-man. I will never be a man, even if that is what society thinks of my process. People are allowed to categorize it as a binary transition, it doesn’t matter to me. 

To me everything that matters is how I see myself. And that I’ll be able to live in this body.

I’ve been thinking of names lately as Skye doesn’t work for me on paper. But I really like Ezra(h), as the last syllable is the same as my birthname.

[skyehuong]

In addition to this, if everything goes according to plan I should be approved for hrt this summer ;; I got 3/6 meetings left at the gender clinic and while 2020 has been a mess at least I’ve come far in working on myself. 

[skyehuong]

ezrah is a wonderful name! being nonbinary is wonderful too, i think!

Hehe thank you!

[skyehuong]

If my birthname was unisex, I’d keep it. For me, a name is just something you use to refer to me, society decided that it was to be associated with “female.”

Thus, pronouns doesn’t matter a lot to me either, its simply just words you use to refer to me in third person. Studying the Korean language has made me realize that they’re actually very unnecessary. In the same manner, it feels a little fake when people refer to me as “he” because that is not how I feel (yet); it might change some day, who knows?

To me, my gender identity is non-binary; because I will never be a cis-man. I will never be a man, even if that is what society thinks of my process. People are allowed to categorize it as a binary transition, it doesn’t matter to me. 

To me everything that matters is how I see myself. And that I’ll be able to live in this body.

I’ve been thinking of names lately as Skye doesn’t work for me on paper. But I really like Ezra(h), as the last syllable is the same as my birthname.

[skyehuong]

You would have been too envious to be proud of me.

This thought hit hard, because for 4 years of my life, I was scared to do anything because of the possibility of making you jealous and thus leaving me because of that. But I am at a better place now, surrounding myself with people who supports me.