Getting through the Abuse

One year on from putting my ex in jail for assault, I have decided to write a blog on the affects his abuse had on me. This isn't a flash blog where I know what or how to do this properly, it's justme expressing how the abuse had affected me, how it still does and a way to help me through what has happened. If anyone has been through this before or can connect with whatever I have to say, I hope you feel free to have a say as well, but please no hating. Thanks

[smokingbrumby88]

Recently I have been triggered a lot, and by a lot, I mean multiple times a day, every day! My traumatic response is to bury my emotions and pretend things never happened. 99.9% of the time it works. I have forgotten most of the small details, I can recall that X Y and Z happened but not much else without it hurting or harming me, well, so I thought anyways.

Recently, I entered into my first relationship since the abusive relationship, and if I'm truly honest, it absolutely terrifies me! Now don't get me wrong, HE doesn't terrify me, the whole idea of being in a relationship does. I'm totally head over heels for him, he's a kind young man with a loving and caring soul, though he tries to hide it, he really is gentle and full of love and he means the world to me. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings or emotions but I do know that I look forward to seeing where this takes us. I could go on and on about him but right now I need to gather my thoughts and write down what I need to say to myself. The reasons I'm terrified of this relationship...

It's got nothing to do with the relationship itself and I know that, most of it is in my head, but that's trauma for you, but to make it even more complicated I also have Boredline Personality Disorder (BPD for short) as well as Complex PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. As of this month, it has been 3 years since I finally escaped the abuse and I haven't really been writing about it but I will get there, I must get there so that I can try and move on. I don't have any doubts that this relationship will be anything like that whatsoever, he's much too loving and kind to do anything like that. But my trauma response always says otherwise. Little things that he does or doesn't do, triggers my mind into fight or flight mode or it sets off an emotional Rollercoaster that floods me with memories that I thought I had buried and it haunts me.

It's difficult at times to separate fact from fiction when it's all I know. I just want to love and be loved and forget everything from the past, but every day, multiple times a day, I'm hurting and I don't know how to get through it but one step at a time. I want to let him in, but at the same time, I don't want to burden him or scare him off. It got so bad the other day, I picked up a tool that once was my only outlet and I used it 😔 not for the same reason I use to but because I needed to come back to reality and it worked, but I hurt myself by doing it because I broke a promise to myself and my babies and I'm disgusted and disappointed in myself.

Anyways, I'm scared my past is going to ruin my future aka, this relationship. Thankfully he doesn't see the day to day struggle I go through, I try to shield him from it and pretend that life is peachy as often as possible. The triggered events consume my mind and I can't continue or be free. And you know what, it doesn't even have to be him that causes the triggering, anyone or anything can, but more or less its him just because he is my boyfriend. But it's not his fault, he did absolutely nothing wrong, it's simply my trauma mixed with my mental illness. If it's anyone's fault it's mine, why? Because I wasn't strong enough to get put of that abusive relationship. It's my fault because I shouldn't have allowed myself to be put through such a thing, and it's my fault for allowing my ex to treat me the way he did. I want nothing more than for this relationship to be the one! I'm scared as hell, I'm triggered a lot, and I probably am more invested than him, at least for now, but I know what I want and it's for this to work and prove that I am loveable, and that all the shit I went through in the past is simply that, the past. And slowly but surely, I'm hoping I'll get there and I'm hoping I'll believe that I am loveable and that I am loved and I'm hoping like fuck, that this is the relationship that will work out, I don't think I can do it again. To my wonderful man, I love you more than you will ever know. You will never get to see this but I know it's here.

That's enough for tonight, I need some sleep...

[smokingbrumby88]

PTSD is going to be the death of me!!!

Aside from the regular bashings in my head which often led to me being knocked out, he would strangle me, hold his butcher knives to my throat while threatening to kill me, try to run me over with a car, swing at my face with a hammer just after he knocked me out, kick me in the kidneys, bash my head against a concrete brick wall or whatever was close by like a table or whatever, he even kick me over and over in the head one night that it led to me fitting for an entire night where I could barely breathe or move, he even tried to stomp my head in but i was on a couch so he didn’t get much of a good angle and I cradled my head in my arms so reduce the impact and that’s just what i can remember in this moment while I type. 

[smokingbrumby88]

Victim Impact Statement Draft #2

When you’re in a struggle for your life, there comes a moment that you just wish it would hurry up and end. When the fear has reached a maximum level and your finally tired of the constant struggle you begin to accept the thoughts “this is how I go out, this is how my life ends.”

His hands are so tight around my throat, I can’t breathe, and my vision is starting to go black. My legs have turned to jelly, and I can’t reach the ground. Tonight, I think he might kill me. In that moment, I was ready for it to all finally come to an end. But it didn’t, and that wasn’t the end. Charles and I were in a relationship for approximately 3.5 years, ending with his arrest in March 2019. On the night that I have described Charles assaulted me before a family Christmas gathering. He was careful to never break a bone, but he controlled every aspect of my life with consistent threats, intimidation and stand-over tactics that was always followed by actual physical abuse.

That Christmas morning of 2018, Charles’s assault lasted through the night and continued the next morning. Even coming after me as got I in the car to go and see my family. I was excited for Christmas; it was the first I would have with my family in many years and the last Christmas I would ever get to have with my dad who passed away in late 2019. When I arrived, my family knew something was wrong. They tell me I was shaking and hyperventilating. They knew if they asked, I would make up a cover story for Charles’s actions. So, my sister puts my sleeping niece in my arms to comfort me and nothing more is said until later, when they discover the marks on my neck. I have no choice but to uncover the ugly truth. And still, I say “it’s just an itchy neck.”

Most of the assaults have gone undocumented or unrecorded because of my fear of Charles’s retribution if I ever went to the Police. When they occurred, Charles would spend hours upon hours physically assaulting me. This was always accompanied by psychological torment about everything from my weight to my usefulness as a human being. Anything could provoke Charles’s anger. I wasn’t allowed my own opinion, I couldn’t think for myself, I couldn’t choose things that I wanted. I literally had no control of my own life and forever feared the physical repercussions that included being punched, kicked, threatened, strangled, or have a weapon used on me. He would only stop when he was satisfied that he had beaten the result that he wanted into me.

Not long after his arrest, I ended up in the Mental Health Ward due to the psychological impact of what had occurred over the years we were together. It all became too much for me and I attempted suicide. I had to be escorted by the police to the facility to ensure I did no further harm to myself.

Today, I live with frequent panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, and a heightened level of anxiety. This affects my everyday living and my sense of personal safety. I am obsessive about locking my doors in the event that Charles finds out where I live. I have means to protect myself and feel the need to check these compulsively to feel safe. I live in the fear of his words when he’s told me “If I ever go to jail because of you, I WILL find you, and I will F**CKING KILL YOU! That’s a promise and don’t you ever forget it”. These words haunt me every day. I don’t ever feel safe, no matter what I am doing or who I’m with. I don’t even feel safe in my own home. I don’t go out at night and even something as simple as my grocery shopping, the moment I get in my car, I lock the doors as a precaution because I don’t trust anyone. I have spent the last 2 years seeking help to get through the trauma caused by all the assaults. I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD in relation to not only the violent attacks from Charles, but the emotional, psychological and sexual ones as well.

It has been just over 2 years since the last time Charles assaulted me, I still remember the attacks daily and can often re-live them when my safety is threatened, or my anxiety is triggered by invasive, overwhelming thoughts that I struggle to control. Throughout our relationship, the violence increased in frequency and the reasons for it became more and more ridiculous. I cannot recall the first time he assaulted me, there were so many times that the violence occurred that my memory fails me when I try to remember them all.

Towards the end of our relationship, it became so ridiculous that he used any excuse to justify his violence towards me. One night after cuddling on the couch he mentioned my weight. I wasn’t interested in talking about it, he so got violent, emotionally abusive and controlling. He screamed at me, telling me I was the fattest girlfriend he had ever had, and I looked disgusting. He spent 4 hours punching me in the same spot on my arm over and over, leaving a large bruise. I would later tell my family members that it was caused by running into a door handle after chasing my cat through the house. I begged him to stop but that just infuriated him even more. In the end I gave up and told him what he wanted to hear. The next day he forced me to run the block, while he screamed at me. When I was not able to continue because of exhaustion, he threw me on the ground in the street and punched me until I got up. When I crossed the street to get away from him, he followed me, kicked me in the kidneys, slamming my head into a park table and forcibly dragged me back to the house.

The events described contribute to my daily anxiety, nightmares and flashbacks. I often struggle to manage this. I feel that most people expect me to be over it by now, but that’s not the case. Many things trigger me and bring on panic attacks where I re-live the trauma again. It doesn’t help that Charles will not leave me alone and keeps trying to contact me via Facebook and other forms of social media. Every time he does this (the most recent in April of this year) it’s like the flood gates of hell open up again and all the work I have put in to getting better disappears and I’m back to square one. This feels unfair. I feel like the justice system has failed me on so many levels and that Charles only got a smack on the hand. It feels unfair that Charles only got 6 months in jail. It feels unfair that everyday I’m living with the consequences of his actions. It feels unfair that he gets to move on with his life while I feel stuck in a cycle of trauma.

I want to move on with my life and be happy. I want this chapter to finally come to an end. I am the happiest I’ve ever been, but the damage of Charles’s actions keeps me from fully moving forward. I am thankful that someone has finally asked to hear what this has done to me. I could go on, give more detail and examples of Charles’s horrible actions and how this has affected me, but even writing this is traumatizing and difficult to complete. I hope this helps to somewhat capture the effects of what Charles did to me.

[smokingbrumby88]

Victim Impact Statement Draft #1

His hands are so tight around my throat, I can’t breathe, and the world is starting to go black around me as I struggle to get free from his grip. My legs have turned to jelly, not that I can reach the ground, but I’m desperate for air. Tonight, I think he might finally be successful and actually kill me. At this very moment I wish he would so I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. There comes a moment when you’re struggling for your life that you just wish it would just hurry up and end. The fear has reached a maximum level and you feel as though this is it, this is how I go out, this is how my life ends. In the grip of his hands around my throat, struggling for just the smallest amount of air, I was ready. Ready for it to all finally come to an end. But it didn’t, and that wasn’t the end of it for that night either. Threats to smash my head against the concrete brick wall, being punched and kicked for a few more hours, he was careful to never break a bone. This was the real reality of my early hours of Christmas morning 2018. The Christmas I was excited for, the first Christmas I would have in many years with my family, the last Christmas I would ever get to have with my Dad. Who knows what time I was finally able to get to sleep, but when I woke up in the morning and got ready to attend my family Christmas the violence hadn’t ceased. He continued to beat me until I drove out the driveway to spend Christmas day with my family. On arrival, I was noticeably shaking with tears in my eyes and hyperventilating. By now, my family knew if they ask what happened I’d make up some ridiculous cover story. Instead, one sister parks the car for me and the other hands me my niece for comfort, knowing that that is the best way to help me through that particular moment. Later, they would discover the marks on my neck from the early hours of that morning, when my scarf had moved, uncovering the hidden truth beneath it.

It has been just over 2 years since the last time Charles assaulted me, I still remember the multiple times that he attacked me to this day, and parts of it still haunt me. The actions of Charles have completely impacted and changed my life in so many ways. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of terror I would get every time when he would assault me, but I will try my best. We were in a relationship together for about 3.5 years with the relationship ending with his arrest in March 2019.  Throughout our relationship, the violence became more and more frequent and the reasons for it became more and more ridiculous. I cannot recall the first time he assaulted me, there were so many times that the violence occurred that my memory fails me when I try to remember the first time it happened. It should have been the first and the last time that that occurred, but I was young and vulnerable, and I thought I was in love.

I have spent the last 2 years seeking help to get through the trauma caused by all the assaults. I have PTSD in relation to not only the violent attacks from Charles, but the emotional, psychological and sexual ones as well.

Not long after his arrest, I ended up in my local Mental Health Ward due to the impact of what had occurred over the 3.5 years we were together. It all became too much for me and I had attempted suicide, I had to be escorted by the police to the facility to ensure I did no further harm to myself. I have frequent panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, and sleepless nights, to name a few, that affect my everyday living. My doors are always locked, and I have weapons placed around my house that are hidden but easy to access, in the event that Charles finds out where it is that I live, and I can defend myself against him finally, because I fear that he will keep his “promise” to me. He promised me that “if I ever go to jail because of you, I WILL find you, and I will F**CKING KILL YOU! That’s a promise and don’t you ever forget it”. These words haunt me every day. My safety is my number one priority no matter what it is that I am doing or where it is that I am. I can’t even feel safe in my own home because of the impact these assaults have caused. For example, when I go out to do something as simple as my groceries, the moment I get in my car, I lock the doors as a precaution, who knows if he is nearby or knows where it is that I am, so it’s better for me to be safe than sorry.

Most of the assaults have gone undocumented or unrecorded. Charles would spend hours upon hours assaulting me over and over for the smallest of things. I wasn’t allowed my own opinion, I couldn’t think for myself, I couldn’t choose things that I wanted, I literally had no control of my own life because I was forever afraid that it would result in me being punched, kicked, threatened, strangled, or have a weapon used on me over and over until he was satisfied that he had beaten the result that he wanted into me.

I can recall one night towards the end of our relationship where he mentioned my weight and I wasn’t interested in talking about it, so he got violent. Screaming at me, telling me I was the fattest girlfriend he had ever had, and I looked disgusting. He spent 4 hours punching me in the same spot in my arm over and over, leaving a really large bruise, I would later tell my family members that it was caused by running into a door handle after chasing my cat through the house. I begged him to stop so many times, but that just infuriated him even more. In the end I gave up and told him what he wanted to hear. The next day we went running around the block, after 2 laps I was done. Half-way through the next I tried to slow down to catch my breathe and he was beating me as we ran around the blocking, and sometimes pushing me from behind, and when I tried to get away, he came after me, pushing me to the ground and punching me until I got up. After that lap I refused to go on because I needed to catch my breath, so I went across the street and sat at a picnic table, he did another lap then came up behind me and kicked me in the kidneys before slamming my head into the table followed by dragging me back to the house. Events like these contribute to the nightmares and flashbacks that I continuously get to this day. At times I often struggle to get through them because I feel that most people expect me to be over it by now, but that’s not the case. Many things trigger me into panic attacks or reliving the trauma. It doesn’t help that Charles will not leave me alone and keeps trying to contact me. Every time he does this, the most recent in April of this year, it’s like the flood gates of hell open up again and all the work I have put in to getting through everything has disappeared again and I’m back to square one and I’m being retraumatized again. This to me is so unfair, I want to move on with my life, I want to be happy, I want this chapter of my life to finally come to an end. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and this trauma that keeps occurring is the only thing stopping me from fully moving forward, so I need this to end so that I can be properly happy. The justice system has failed me on so many levels, Charles got a smack on the hand and I’m still living in fear every single day, struggling to comprehend all that has happened.

I am thankful that someone has finally asked to hear what this has done to me. I could go on and give much more detail and give much more insight into how this has affected me, but even writing this is traumatizing and difficult to complete. I hope this helps to somewhat capture the affects of what Charles did to me and how it has impacted on my life, even to this day, 2 years after the last assault.

[smokingbrumby88]

Background

For 3.5 years, I was madly in love with a man who constantly abused me. I loved him through all the good and the bad and always wanted the best for him. Throughout the years he broke my heart by not only abusing me, but by cheating on me also. 

I could never understand how I could love someone who clearly didn’t love me, but I couldn’t help myself because he was the love of my life and I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted to help him and I wanted him to grow. He was 15 years older than me, but I didn’t care, age was just a number and he was the man I fell in love with.

He had some good traits, he could be loving and caring at times and that was the person I fell in love with in the first place. He abused drugs and got me into it too, but I only craved it when he had it. Without him in my life, I was able to give it up really easily and I’ve never looked back. When he was on drugs and on his come down was when he became distant, cheated and hurt me badly. 

Last year I had had enough of the abuse and was falling out of love with him because all he cared about was the drugs and not us. I had changed myself in every way to please him and it was never enough. I was young and just wanted to love him as much as possible. But the feelings where never mutual unless he had been drug free for at least 2 weeks.

The abuse has changed my life forever, I am a different person than when I was with him and even before I was with him. So much has changed and there is quite a bit of irreversible damage that he has caused. But with this blog, I hope I can express what is going on in my mind from the trauma and just get it out there as a way to help myself through this.

I have a lot of flashbacks that occur, some are good and some are bad but they all relate to the traumatic experience I have faced and both good and bad flashbacks upset me.

From now on, I will just be blogging what I am thinking about when this happens and hopefully get through this time that little bit easier by doing so.

[smokingbrumby88]

Introduction

As my first post I just want to give a brief introduction. Firstly I will never use my real name, I’ll just be going by SmokingBrumby88, any names I do use will be false names but will relate to real things that have happened.

I’m here today, hoping that I can have the freedom to express what I have been through, how it affects me now and the struggles I still go through. I’m hoping that this can be used as a positive way to help heal myself and move on with my life.

Most of the things I blog will be very sensitive to me and be very heartfelt. I don’t even know if anyone will see this and to be honest, I don’t even mind, I just want to be able to release the trauma I still go through and if it does get seen, I hope that it may even help others to realize they aren’t alone and that they too can get out of an abusive relationship.