Thoughts on Forgiveness in D/s
Recently I wrote a post expressing some thoughts on correction and punishment and the need for Dominants to be measured and circumspect in their approach, particularly when a submissive recognizes the error of their ways and already harbors deep regret for their actions. Submissives are deeply and intrinsically motivated by a desire to please their Dominant and little else hurts more than the realization that they have failed to do so, or worse, have done something to displease or hurt. A submissive can experience deep feelings of guilt and shame for having failed (in their own eyes) their Dominant. These feelings, while being a motivator for change and prevention of future errant behavior, can become a serious matter and very destructive when guilt and shame become internalized as inadequacy, rejection, or worse, abandonment. Forgiveness is a crucial element in the completion of correction or punishment. Without forgiveness, the correction or punishment is never ending for the submissive because they are left to drown in their own feelings of inadequacy and sense of rejection. This is not acceptable.
Even in correction and punishment there must be love and devotion. Indeed, in the context of a D/s relationship both correction and punishment are acts of love in the sense that they should be geared toward the growth of a submissive and not ever be simply punitive in nature. Correction or punishment should be tied to a specific errant action or act with clear, measurable, and achievable expectations for future success. A submissive should never be set up for failure in the sense of feeling trapped by ever changing rules or impossible goals for achievement. But when a submissive does fail to meet expectations through action or omission, and correction or even punishment is warranted, the corrective action must be delivered deliberately, with purpose, clearly tied to the errant behavior, timely, and be left behind when complete. The element of leaving the event behind is forgiveness and it must be communicated timely, effectively, honestly and completely.
And even more important than expressing forgiveness is living it. Simply saying that all is forgiven then skulking around in obvious discontent or resentment on the part of a Dom is a mixed message at best, and more to the point a disingenuous act. A submissive intuitively sees through this and knows that despite any words to the contrary, they have not in fact been forgiven. This is a form of emotional torture that is patently unfair, immature, and frankly undermines the credibility of the Dominant. Forgiveness must be both expressed and lived.
One of the intriguing things about a D/s relationship, particularly one where correction and punishment are an element of the interaction, is the ability to openly and quickly address areas of tension in the relationship. Properly done, D/s affords us the opportunity to set clear boundaries and expectations and establish accountability and culpability for their exercise and successful completion. When an infraction occurs we are able to clearly agree that a line has been crossed that both knew was there all along and address the matter promptly and completely. We are able to exorcise the bad feelings that have been created through correction and/or punishment, forgive the transgression, and move on with the matter completely addressed, harboring no ill will, resentment or misunderstanding. It is over and done with. No need to be revisited again.
However, the terminating act of correction and punishment is forgiveness; genuine and heartfelt forgiveness expressed with honesty and love. Without that, the ability for D/s to rapidly and mutually address errors and omissions and move on comfortably with life is indelibly undermined and a cancer begins to grow within the relationship. Resentments are born and nurtured, feelings of inadequacy and rejection take root, and fear of abandonment takes the place where love once flourished. While is may not be seen this way in the heat of the moment, it is indeed the beginning of the end of what had once been beautiful.
In addition to strength, consistency, and timeliness, a Dominant must also be loving and compassionate in addressing errant behavior on the part of a submissive. Ultimately that compassion must come in the form of immediate, complete, and honest forgiveness. Without it, a submissive is not only corrected and punished but is in fact committed to a life sentence that ultimately can lead to the demise of the trusting and devoted relationship so carefully nurtured.
Be slow to punish, timely to correct, and hasten to forgive.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image by Hazim Haidaryan  Model: Valentina Zalyaeva
