She loved loves you. Do you know how many people would kill to have someone love them like that? I should know, I'm one of them.
You see, there's not much of a difference between you and Josh. I wasn't sure at first but today just confirmed it. She loves you. You were projecting all your insecurities, I was too unstable to see that back then but it's all clear now. That's what you all do.
I wasn't hurt at all. I was thinking about you and wishing that you felt the same, that there was some type of genuine remorse at some point. I doubt, but it would have been nice.
We were the same - we hoped for forever, we dreamt, and we were both unaware we were the only ones dreaming. You guys were somewhere else, always somewhere else, we were just too in love to see it.
I decided I don't want to make this work, I simply refuse to always feel this way. I am more than this. As stupid as it may sound, I'm still a hopeless romantic. Still hoping for someday and someone, I know it.
Maybe part of the reason why I still keep on going back and reminiscing all the time is because I never really allowed myself to properly mourn all the losses I've had. I've always been the type to force myself to move on right away, find new things to get busy with and just forget.
Forget?
I wish I did but I think all my feelings just got buried deep down and some days they just resurface and eat me up again. So, I thought that maybe if I write these feelings down.. I'd somehow find peace.
First was Pierre. I don't really remember much since I was in high school and it was just peer pressure that's why I pursued him. But I remember that things were nice. I remember always looking forward to dismissal because I'd finally be seeing him after a long day. Butterflies. Puppy love. Stupid. But everything felt nice. Everything was easy. You think you two will survive anything as long as you're together.
God, now that I'm thinking about it .. I was really awkward with him back then. As I am, still, to every guy I try to get romantically involved with these days.
Why am I this awkward? :-( Can someone please come my way and force some character development into me?
Next were Eric, and Lenox and King. Not romantically but they were some of the best boys I will probably ever meet. I miss the long talks about existentialism. Truly. I would give everything for them to roast me the same way again.
Then Bilig. Fuck. I wish it worked. I wish we worked.
I don't even know where to start with you.
Meeting you was.. really unexpected. No shit. I only dreamt of meeting someone like you and I can't believe I actually did. Then we continued talking, and I was so happy and infatuated. I really tried keeping my cool during our first movie date. I want you to know, it was hard trying to look like I'm not freaking out because you looked like a goddamn idol walking out of an Anan magazine photoshoot. I really love your fashion. I love you.
Probably one of the most memorable moments I had with you was when I first invited you to a group inuman. If you only knew how many times I had to drink and ask Klen if I should ask you out to that inuman.. I was always nervous around you, and careful because I know that I didn't want to fuck things up. But in the end, I always do right? We went to eat at Volante next--sorry Mark, I know I was too aggressive with the questions but you were stupid. I'm glad Klen and you didn't work out. I was worried that Bambi'd find me too much too. I'm glad you didn't and instead contributed to roasting Mark's ass. Then the ghost hunting. I have an 8pm curfew and my mom doesn't allow sleepovers so imagine how nervous I was the whole night while driving with you. Then dropping by 7/11 to buy beer and the cashier's nasty side eye like "what are these two doing at 2am buying beer," like we're going to be doing something nasty. Then we went to that place. It was really fun even though I was tipsy the whole time. Then we sat, and told stories and I don't want to forget this setting, ever, because I swear, I never felt so comfortable in my life. I can't believe I still recall everything clearly up to this moment. Then McDonalds. Me consciously reapplying lipstick because I know I looked really bad, but you didn't seem to mind. I like you so much. Then the french fries, that was a bad idea. Salt. Alcohol. Dehydration. Nope. Then we went home.
Basmnt. I was really drunk. Blackout drunk when you came. It's really your fault for always coming late. Cocktail's run out. Then we went outside and I remember fighting with you and asking why you came back. I wish you didn't reply. I wish you didn't come back. Rabbit Hole was fun tho. I'm glad to hear you sing. Oh my god, your eyes are shining like the stars. Yours too, baby. I miss you so much. Then Bien's place. I want to sleep next you. Of course, where else will you sleep? Then we cuddled and it felt really nice and you smelled so good. Then I turned because I couldn't breathe. You don't like me. Bitch, let me breathe. I would die for you. I'd give you the world if I could. You deserve it. Morning, you held my hand the whole time til we had to go home. If I had known that that would be the last time I'd be holding your hand..
I was really hurt but I didn't know how to express it. Because I wasn't expecting that you'd hurt me that way. Bilig, it still hurts.
Lastly, Bien. It was too forced. But I'm really thankful because you really made me feel wanted. You listened, no matter how stupid I thought my thoughts were. Thank you. For listening, for making me really worth it and really special. I wish you weren't that fucking petty tho. Maybe then we could've worked things out much much better. But in the end, I still thank you so much because you definitely set the bar. Someone who'll always listen and make time for me. Someone who can be on par with me on stupidity. Someone who was as clingy. I hope someday we fix things and be friends again. Thank you for investing time on me. I know you probably feel like your time was just wasted and I'm sorry for that--I can't force myself to move on. I know you're okay now, and I'm really happy things worked out well for you :-)
