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Is this how you roll?

Belonging

Being mixed and muslim in the united states is hard. Especially when you grow up in an area with not too many people have the same background as you but they do "look like you". Or the general population knows you are not one of them and you are "exotic" to them. I have tried many times to explain this to my parents, friends, and past significant others but they seem to not understand the feeling of unbelonging. I envied them.

It wasn't until 2019 when I went to NJ that I felt the most comfortable. Primarily I identify with my deen before my ethnicity, but I am not a perfect muslim. I make plenty mistakes, repent, try to get better and move on. I guess I kinda do the same routine with my ethnicity, trying to be the perfect black/arab/venezuelan/whatever else in order to fit into the mold to be "enough". In Paterson, which is full of arabs and muslims, I knew I could be enough without trying. So that's what belonging is "Effortlessly being enough". Leaving Paterson, going to Camden, Stratford and other parts of New Jersey I could also be my other idenities without question and effort. People would smile and be at ease at my presence. They weren't confused, perplexed by my appearance or vocals, sight and sound weren't a problem. Which is why I really wanted to go to the DO school in NJ. But I digress. I can also explain that belonging kinda has a bright smooth tone to it, it kinda flutters because thats the dopa rush, and it just feels like a bright golden wave of honey that carries you and makes you feel warm inside. Like, innately, you know you are home. So when I watch Shows like "Ramy" the honey wave comes back again because I can easily identify with him and his family's struggles. I can easily place myself in his shoes and be a little anxious for him. This representation on TV shows empathy and sympathy that marginalized people wish to have. Well, at least I do.

As a doctor, friend, mother, sister and daughter I want to provide a honey wave to those around me. Because once you tap into that focal point of "a-ha" it's easily attainable and you can work towards self-growth.

Can I say? I miss my friends?

So once a year a decide to open my instagram. This was the time, the second day of the new year--2019. Last year, so much happened academically but I am still at the same spot. I am not in medical school, yet. I know I can get there -- this will be the year I will apply and become a medical student. Many of my friends are applying to residencies or are getting in the grit of their 3rd year rotations. I am happy for them and I not comparing myself to their situation but i’ve noticed things have gone by so fast. It seemed to move like an ice glacier in the beginning but over time it seemed to happen within in a blink of any eye. It’s so easy. While opening my instagram, I looked into old grams of my friends. They are active in their adventures and that’s good for them. To give it an analogy, it’s as if I am watching them from a fish bowl. i am not sure who is the fish but this interaction is divided by a screen. Some of these friends I have purposely let go because they were either not good for my mental health, grew apart or just weren’t good friends in the first place. As I am getting older, i am finding it more difficult to make friends. Partially due to me being friends with books all the time, work (and I dont want to be friends with co-workers) and social anxiety in a summary. I am afraid of being weird, or too hyper-energetic, or too emotional with my feelings. I am afraid of people not liking me which makes it difficult for me to find a meaningful friendship. All of my friends are scattered and some are married and that’s now their life. Last month, there was a girl who looked exactly like my friend however that girl no longer lives in the US so how could she be here?? On the gram it was confirmed it was not her because my friend bleached her hair. Another thing holding me back is that there are too many responsibilities for me and I would think some of my friends wouldn’t get it. They showed that when I was studying during undergrad. Whenever I do see old friends, they give this simple speech “OMG its you, where have you been? We definitely need to get together sometime.”Honestly, they don’t mean that. If they wanted to keep our friendship alive they would have called a while back. It’s not like we don’t live 5 minutes away from each other. I am not gonna be the person that keeps following up with people who genuinely don’t care for my existence. I don’t like instagram because it reminds me of these feelings of loss, bitterness, FOMO, inner circles, and the whole facade that their life is great and the up keep with it.

That’s why I like youtube, it’s continuous, positive and when the facade is over it’s really over.

Anyway, I am done. Gotta continue studying.

I mean who cares?

So this idea has been floating in my mind since mid ramadan. Why are some muslims so conservative, restrictive, closed minded, and just plain ridiculous when it comes to the religion? From young, I was always taught its the “nihaa” that counts, the intention. If you have good intention to do something then do it. On the 2nd week of Ramadan, I offered to host the weekly Friday project downtown meal to the leader of the club. She immediately asked me, if the food I was serving would be halal? I said no, She then said she would rather not serve non halal food during the holy month of Ramadan. Mind you, none of the participants eat halal or follow the islamic faith, so what does it matter? I understand, where you grew up, Saudi Arabia, they were very strict but who the hell cares? does God care? I thought God cared about helping those in need and to be selfless. Not about the logistics if an animal was killed a certain way, in a specific time and setting. Allah doesn’t care if the non-muslim person is non-halal food. I understand the justifications of eating halal but what if someone can’t afford 50 lbs of ground halal beef? More so, why are people like her, so interested in the rules and the regulations of what to do and what not to do? Allah didn’t intend the religion to be so difficult and strenuous between the web of rules and policy. All he cared was to follow the 5 pillars. I understand the rule with pork, there is a actual scientific reason why muslims do not eat pork. Pork is associated with many pathologies and studies have shown that vegetarians and pork eaters live a shorter lifespan than their non-pork eating counter parts. Why do we fast? Is it because Allah really cares about the exact minute we hold ourselves from eating and drinking? No, it’s a reminder, to be grateful, to be aware, to be humble, and to be healthier. Not to be obnoxious with small intricate rules, and ideas that Allah never placed. People like her were the reason why I strayed away from the religion when I was younger. God does not care if you do a split, go underwater if you are fasting, or if you are praying infront of someone. God only wants to protect you and guide you into the right path. That’s the theme of surah fati’ah. That’s the theme of surah buraqah, thats the idea about learning the story of prophet mohammad and the other prophets (PUBH) , to provide examples of how to be a GOOD PERSON. I digress, I felt attacked once she rejected my request and said I could serve after the month. I mean yeah, I didn’t mind. Still, it felt like every suggestion, or inclusion that I said was rejected. So rather than just say no, I don’t want your food to help the homeless, you hid behind the religion and used it like a puppet. Just like all the religious leaders who become blind in their pursuit of power.

Happy 25th To ME.

Today was a nice birthday. I spent the past 2 days staying at home doing chores, while waiting for my B&O H8 headphones to come in the mail. Amazon was seriously playing games with me. It was supposed to come in yesterday(Tues) but i guess the delivery guy made a mistake and didn’t drop off the whole package. >.< then i kept getting notifications that showed me he was going further away from me each time. It was a frustrating and an annoying period of time. By the time I was leaving my house I saw the packaged was dropped it off. I was ecstatic and hugged the box like a 5 year old on Christmas. pretty sad TBH. Anyway, my friends Maia and Marti joined my mom and I at the Ethiopian food where they continuously trolled and roasted me with the most love, of course (because I am awesome) -.- it was nice and we had a nice tiramisu as my birthday cake. Overall, it was a nice 25th birthday and I am grateful for my friends and family who were there to support me. I am also very happy and grateful for my friends and family who live far away that sent me happy birthday messages. It made me feel not alone, and lately I have been feeling alone and not loved. Man, I sound like an attention freak. I spend so much alone that I forget how it feels to have people around and to be silly. That’s what the girl on youtube I found help me realize. This girl is ridiculous and funny and I see myself a lot in her. Since this whole path to medicine I have forgotten my personality and begun to be cold and impatient. I am creative, silly, “out-of-the-box”, clumsy, smart and altruistic. I don’t want to ever forget that or lost those qualities of myself that make me happy. I don’t want to care what other people think. I don’t care if they think I am annoying, or weird or whatever negative adjective they want to throw at me. I am 25 and I want to be myself as 25 not a 150 year old snooze living in a young person’s body. I am not tired, I am not old, I am not a waste, I am not fat, I am not ugly, I am not annoying, I am not mean, I am not anything of what these people say about me.

PEACE 08/09/2018 1235AM

I can’t stop listening to Punjabi music

I miss my friend, I wish she was here.

Shook.

I stood there shook by the event taking place. The ball was no longer in my court and it was 2 against 1. I am not good at taking rejection, confrontation, or any other uncomfortable social circumstance.

I began tutoring this young lady (22 y.o) who is a major in interior architecture. She was advised by her advisor to take physics and trigonometry in order for her to enter the master’s program this upcoming fall. They signed her up for a 6 week course of physics without calculus; which is where I came into play. Upon our initial interview she told me she has no knowledge in trigonometry and had somewhat of a decent background in algebra. This background, I could work with because physics requires both but you can learn the trig on the side.

When I began tutoring her, I realized her algebra skills and basic math skills were lacking. I then told her with caution: “I think you are going to fail because you are lacking the math skills therefore I think you should take trigonometry first then physics”. Moreover, her willingness to learn physics and apply herself to the subject was quite minimal. I would ask her basic arithmetic questions such as “what is perimeter?” or “explain to me what is 1-D, 2-D, 3-D” or “Now that we did this question, you try this”. Every response was “ I don’t know”, “ I don’t understand the question you are asking me”, or “ I don’t know how to and I don’t know where my notes are” These responses repeated over the next 3 hours was quite frustrating to me as her tutor and I was lost for words of what to do next.

I then went to her mother and requested a conversation with both of them regarding her work ethic, attitude, and readiness for this 6 week intense subject. The mother came in and said she also wanted to speak to me because apparently she did not like the way I was instructing her daughter. She said I was impatient, teaching her random things, and did not appreciate me asking her “what she thinks she should do for this question?”. I understood the impatient comment but as a physics student you have to be prepared to think on your own and not all physics questions are the same. Yes, they share the same concept but sometimes you have to read between the lines of the instructions, or have some intuition of what is going on mathematically. If you are not practicing that critical thinking then on the physics test you will be intimidated and overwhelmed. She also then pointed out I was shaking, I said I was shaking because I am anxious about what you will say about your daughter’s performance and blame me. I was trembling, I suck at this confrontation stuff because I hate conflict and I did not want to disrespect someone in their house. I have enough manners and maturity to know how to pick my battles. In the end they were frustrated that they were paying me and I did not want to do their homework. She wanted me to go step by step but then half the time I went over a question I had to go over a math concept because she did not know or recognize the concept. For that reason I was going over math, algebra 1 and trigonometry all in 3 hours with 6 questions to solve.

I stuck to the physics and my job as a tutor but they went for my personality. The mother told me that I am not going to go far in life, that I probably have this impatient issue with other people in my life, that I am difficult and essentially I have bad people skills. Moreover, she is not sure if I am going to pursue a career as a professor where I fail everyone. Excuse me, as a professor I would not fail everyone in fact I would be a frustrated push over. I would have sympathy.-- but I did not say any of that. But I did say: “I don’t want to be a professional tutor for the rest of my life. I want to be a physician.” She then told medicine is not for me because I am not patient, and her husband and family members who are doctors and dentists. I would not be good with patients. However, she is unaware of my experience, my background or who I am. She also said that my personality will carry on to my family life, where I may beat my kids and become violent. --like I said she knows nothing about me and doesn’t know that I come from a domestic-child abuse history.

I am extremely worried the type of parent I will be. I am extremely worried about the kind of physician I will be. I am shook.

So I don’t act

Apparently I don’t act/look/talk like a

Black girl, c’mon how is a black girl supposed to look like? What is a black girl supposed to act like? What is the swagger of a black girl? I didn’t know that there was a formula that all black people fit into that makes them “black”. I can’t Wakanda forever, because Wakanda isn’t for me. My “black experience” is different from another person’s “black experience”. My black experience has not been exactly, how do I say this? BLACK. I will never have the same experience as a “pure” black girl because what does that even mean? I mean half the time, or all the time, black people don’t see me because I am light skinned and don’t have blackish features. And don’t go telling me how darker skin black people don’t like light skin people and that there is a constant struggle. I know that constant struggle because I live it everyday.

Moreover, I don’t fit into the “Arab girl” puzzle piece either??? “Oh, you don’t look Palestinian” Bitch, do you even know what a Palestinian looks like? My people are pretty much spread out that the features of a Palestinian have a wide range. Palestinians can be tan, white, but overall they are olive**. Palestinian’s have a huge nose, and apparently my nose isn’t big enough even though its the most protruding thing about me. Palestinian’s have curly hair, their body type ranges, there is no “TRUE PALESTINIAN” because we are literally in the center of the world and middle east. People back then would trade in Bethlehem, and other parts because of the location. That’s why my friend has straight brown hair and isn’t as hairy as I am.

Then the Native American, once I say that people are like yes! That’s what you fit into! Cherokee’s have long wavy/straight hair, high cheek bones, button nose possibly big lips and have the ability to be dark or light tan. Something that a black person or Palestinian may have as well. When you look at pictures of a Cherokee native you don’t see any similarities between me and those pictures. Plus my Cherokee blood is so over washed by the other mixes and the generation times that I probably would not have those features. My great great grandmother ran away from the reservation and married a black man. Now, tell me that ain’t a black-ass story.

I do have a “Mixed girl experience” that I think a lot of other mix girls would be able to attest to. My mixed girl experience may be different from another mixed girl’s experience but we do all share a common experience “We don’t fit because we feel we will not be enough for the race/ethnicity/identity that we are related to” No matter how much I try to “black” (that shit still pisses me off), “Palestinian” or even Cherokee (even though I don’t know how a Cherokee native is suppose act)

I am frustrated.

I am trying to study for my physiology class and I feel stuck on where to start. Someone gave me their notes but I am not sure if they are trust worthy. I rather actively study rather than passively read to study the material. Everyone is telling me to memorize the statements verbatim and I will be good for the test. I rather use logic than memorization and I am having a hard time with that.

#medical school #BMS #Post-bacc #Pre-medical #frustration #Human physiology

Frustrating

When my brother was moving out to Orlando, my mom and him ended up throwing away the Christmas decorations by mistake. So when Christmas came around, I felt bad and decided to use my student loan money to replace them. I went to Michaels and spent 100$ on Christmas supplies without any remorse. I decorated the tree and all was well.

Yesterday, I took down the tree, my mom came home and I asked her if she could take down the lights for me so I can eat. She agreed and told me she had a date at Starbucks in an hour. However, like usual my mom loves to complicate things. I ended up staying with her to put the lights in the bag and she decided to move the tree out of the house right after. I told her not to worry about the tree, I can take care of the rest. All I had asked her was to take down the lights but she was stubborn and ignored me. I then asked her if the garage needed the remote to open it, she said yes but the box is in her car. Confused about this statement because I didn’t see any boxes I went along with it. Later, she goes and takes down the boxes from the garage. I said to her I thought you said it wasn’t in the garage.

I opened the boxes and saw that the old lights and ornaments were still there. I was furious, because I spent my money on things we didn’t need. I muttered to myself that she knew that we still had some stuff and didn’t say anything. She saw that I had pity on the fact we didn’t have anything and took advantage of the situation so she wouldn’t have to spend money. She wasted my time and money. She was careless and it was my fault for not checking the boxes myself, therefore I was careless. I should have not trusted her word that everything was gone. I had asked her several times are you sure you threw everything away, and she reassured me that everything was gone. She lied to me.

Now, regardless of the fact if she knew or not; she should have looked before saying anything. She should have said something, like lets split the cost, or lets see what we do have. Not just absolutely say nothing is there and play stupid about it.

Moreover, I don’t expect this from my mother. You know, a mother is supposed to be responsible, have some sympathy for her kid, and have some common sense. My mom showed me she was not responsible, she showed no sympathy for me spending that much money or even appease how I felt about the situation and all of things require common sense.

When I confronted her about it, her reply was lecturing me of how I should talk to her and sarcastic comments about the situation. There was no apology, no coming to terms of what was going on. If anything her response heighten my anger and I felt more hurt by that.

During all this her friend was in the family room, watching TV. When my mom left, she asked me why I was mad at my mom. I explained and also said my mom took 250 from my account once and told me after the fact she did the transfer. I told her friend that I told my mom that she should have asked me before taking it. She then got mad and retaliated with the fact that I had taken money from her without her permission although after those several incidents we had made a deal to ask before taking. However, my mom didn’t see my point of view and was one sided about the situation.

My mom’s friend replied maybe she didn’t know, and you should ask her to pay you back. I agreed with her but my mom is kind of a petty person. She would be the type to expect me to pay her back for everything she has ever bought for me. Plus, I was thinking of making a separate banking account so things like this would not occur. Her friend agreed with that opinion.

Since then my mom has not apologized and does not see my point of view. I haven’t received my mom’s point of view because she has not said it. My mom is not an effective communicator or listener. She chooses to listen and do whatever she wants, frustrating.

I don’t know how to react this.

One of my hobbies is rock climbing. I love the sport, the community, the mental practice, etc. Recently, I received a notice involving my sport that has broken my heart. At this point, I don’t know how to react to this.

The notice reads:

[1:11 PM, 12/17/2017] Me: Hey my name is Pineapple, I was Part of the volunteering belay group and was removed. [1:11 PM, 12/17/2017] Me: Can you please add me back? [3:41 PM, 12/17/2017] Rock gym worker: Hello Pineapple, after much thought we’ve come to the conclusions that after the night of the competition with the way you felt as we made you extremely uncomfortable we just think it’s better that we don’t continue with your volunteering. We don’t want to have another situation where it makes both parties feel uncomfortable. That’s not why the gym is here. Thank you for all your help.

The uncomfortable situation that the worker was talking about was about my reaction to a position I was placed as a volunteer for the local bouldering competition. I had came early to the competition and was placed to help out on a certain part in the climbing gym. A few minutes later, I was called back to have my position changed. The person in charged, lets call them Red, needed a person who was 21 or older to work the keg outside of the gym, in order to sell and serve alcohol to anyone attending the competition. Red told me that there were no volunteers available that could work the keg station. He could tell on my face that I wasn’t enthused about the position change, however I was reluctant to accept due to the scarcity of volunteers. Internally, I was conflicted because I am muslim and according to my faith I cannot sell or be involved with alcohol. Red led me to my position, which was outside of the gym and to sit next to the keg. He taught me how to work the keg and I had a difficult time working it. The audience members waiting to enter the gym, joked how I struggled with the keg, but Red kept on assuring me that he would change my spot and this job was easy. I complained throughout the time I was at the session to two other volunteers. One of them told me that he was over 21 and came late and was given a position to help with the competition. I was pretty angry, and thought because I was a girl and had been pretty inactive in the gym due to school and work that they thought I was incapable of helping with the competition inside. Another volunteer I told, knew me and I told them this position was kinda against my faith but I only agreed to it because they needed help. I told her I was willing to give the free shirt for volunteering and leave if my help wasn’t needed. She then rushed to the office and told them that this position was against my faith which prompted them to switch me out. Red apologized and I accepted with assurance that I was over the ordeal. All I wanted to do was help out in the bouldering competition, not sell beer. Throughout the competition, I helped and Red kept on apologizing with me consistently assuring him I was over it. I mean, there was no reason for Red to know about my faith, I didn’t want to let anyone down with my personal stuff but the way I was placed into my volunteer position made me feel uncomfortable.

In the middle of the competition, I had an organic food rant with an employee but it wasn’t an argument. I was saying my opinion and I was not angry. I was fine, I thought everything was fine.

So was the uncomfortableness with my faith? Was it with my attitude of a terrible position they had given me? Or a mixture of both? Why couldn’t they just talk to me about it to resolve any “uncomfortableness”?

I have been volunteering there since last year in various events. The people that kicked me out are those who came in after I started work and school, so they don’t really know me.

Moreover, if this is about my faith this is not the first time I have been discriminated against at that gym. There was a an employee, who still works there, who would say off hand remarks about islam or the terrorist events related to islam. I would kindly, tell the employee to please stop with these remarks but he would still continue. The situation eventually stopped when I asked another employee for the manager’s contact information due to these remarks. She told me that the coworker was notorious for this behavior and that she would report this to management. After that, the employee stopped with the remarks and I moved on.

So, is this gym intolerable of people of other faiths? What did the gym have to feel uncomfortable about when I was victim?

#rock climbing #Muslim #islam #discrimination #girls who climb #social justice

It doesn’t work.

Have you ever looked at something, and said “yeah! that should definitely work out!” Go through it and realize, that it actually doesn’t? I have this kind of “Tension” with this guy. Yes, I am taken, no I am not interested in this guy. Yet logically, lining everything up, this guy is “perfect” for me. Perfect as in he’s the male version of me. Actually, more of he’s the alter-ego of me. I guess love/attraction doesn’t have to make sense, there isn’t mechanics in everything. Yet whenever I do see this guy, I think “what the fuck? Why don’t I feel anything? You are perfect”

Another thought as I went through the facebook wormhole, there were people I was acquainted with or knew beforehand. Those people look like they are within my frequency, they match my vibe yet they don’t. Their physical appearance doesn’t mean anything, the words or themes they project are completely meaningless. Yet they are doing and saying things that I like. It’s completely frustrating.

I end up attracting people who I have nothing in common with. Like that girl from my masters program who was an opportunist; I looked at the stuff she stood for and we just don’t match. I attract either religious or depressed people. Am I really that kind of person? Yes, I say little tidbits about god and my beliefs but I don’t anthem-ize it. I can be quiet negative but its with reason, I have my moods and then I get out of my funks.

It can be my environment too and I did manage to connect with a doctor that is hippie-ish, free, kind and a little crazy. She and I definitely matched vibes, & I aspire to be like her. My boyfriend and I connect a lot on different levels, although he is not hippie-ish at all. He’s more political activist kind of dude, firey and passionate. He’s a workaholic and surrounds himself with music. Looking into new events that happen domestically and internationally. He too is like an alter-ego of me and we “click”. I never thought we would clicked because I saw him as a friend when I met him years back and didn’t think much of him. So my current relationship is proof that the law of attraction or a mechanics to “clicking” is bogus.

Him.

There are two hims I shall be speaking about. The first one is someone I stopped talking to in July. Our relationship had ended because he was unsteady about his stance in medical school and I was unsteady about my stance in our relationship. I had just graduated and obtaining a hospital job deemed to be a challenge. I also decided to postpone my MCAT because I did not study at all. I also deferred an offer from his school in forensic science. I was in limbo. He had just gotten the decision that he would not be kicked out of medical school but would have to repeat his failed classes. He wanted to dedicate the summer to change his study angle so he would not fail another class and obtain higher than a 70% on his exams. I got in the way of that, because I wanted him to relax with me in the summer after we both have gone through some obstacles. I was for him studying, but I wasn’t on the same time schedule as he was. Rather than get to his house at 8AM, I arrived at 10AM because we live an hour away from each other and traffic was heavy. Annoyed by that we had a fight where he whined and complained that I was late although he was doing something for the past half hour. I said at least I came, you could have taken your own car. Then I jabbed that I wanted to drive MY car, he got annoyed and said he’ll talk to me later. I said no! Lets do this now! I feel like this guy felt his self esteem was depleted and me as his girlfriend telling him how to work out, how to take more risks, telling him I can drive my own car and that frankly the distance had made me independent from him was killing him. He could not handle all of that. When we went upstairs, I told him I did not appreciate him knick picking at me over little things, that he seems to be ungrateful for the things I have done for him and has not given anything of the same value in return. I know relationships are not about equality but they are about appreciation and showing the person how much value they are to you.By insulting my culture “the sand people”, my physique “ you’re getting a belly and you need to do more squats”, my family “ I would not let them do that in my house, thats wrong”, my current hurdle “ I am not sure if its because you are in limbo or something, but I have to hype myself up to hang out with you” you are not being a good boyfriend, partner, friend nor colleague. There is more that was wrong with you and our relationship but there’s no point in saying that now.I just can’t believe after all that (especially all that negativity in one month) you come strolling in in December inviting me for lunch. You sir, are a piece of shit and a motherfucker for that much.

Another Motherfucker that comes strolling in December was my long lost friend Carlos. This guy told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore because I used him throughout our friendship but continued to talk to my mom on the phone. This guy let some crazy bitch control his life and acts shady. Anyway, he has been over my house a couple of times within the last 2 years and has missed me everytime. Except recently, for Ammar’s 19th birthday,I glomped him yes and was extremely happy to see him but he had changed. He had become bigger, douchey-er, shadier and drank too much. He had changed for the worse and I kind of don’t want that shit in my life.

So cheers to the Hims! Cheers to the Him’s who I no longer want in my life and are so much better without! Cheers to 2016 being a weird and fucked up time of shadiness, with old people coming back and me kicking them right the fuck back out! Cheers to 2017 being a year of change, positivity, a higher MCAT score, and to keep meeting my beautiful self!

#2017

Self - Esteem

So there are days where my self esteem seems to go down. What triggers it are usually small events that do not meet my expectations and the person and I do not see eye to eye on the event. Also what makes me down is when I worry about things that have already happened. I have a friend who called me drunk in the middle of the night. He needed a ride and couldn’t leave his truck. I did not know what to do; I could easily pick him up but what could I do about the truck? He asked me if he had woken me up, I said yes. He said its okay he will just stay in his car. I told him please don’t drive! I woke up worried about his status,I was afraid if he had gotten the gumption to drive home and got into an accident. What if he had died? Would it be my fault? Should I have not let him hang up and find a way to make sure everything was okay? Could I have prevented anything that could have happened? This bears a weight on me for nothing happened, his friend and her boyfriend picked him up and drove the truck. Everything worked out for the better, he can definitely take care of himself. Why do I feel the need to take care of others? I should worry about myself. Then there is this internal conflict I have with my mom. I know she is going through a lot so I cannot say she is a shitty mom but sometimes she acts like my sister. I think sometimes the attachment I have with mom is ambivalent and avoidant attachment. I try to find my placement within other families because my mom doesn’t provide the the support that I need. Yes she provides the monetary support but not the support of “good luck on your mcat studying” or “ great job for getting a job!” or “ you’re trying your best, be a little patient”. I know I don’t have to hear that stuff actually but its better than hearing “all you do is study” or “ you seem like you don’t want to get a job, because you have me”. She doesn’t value the same things as I do and doesn’t seem to take interest in what I do. I try to see what she does but its always c/o of money, job. Nothing of hey let's go to the movies, to the park, get some lunch. She hasn’t even asked me “nicely” how the med school process goes. I quotate the “nicely” because she did ask me once and it was more of geared that this whole goal is a waste of time and that I should just settle for PA school. So what brings all these emotions this morning? well I have been meaning to get glasses and BJs has a sale, I could borrow agnes’ card and get my glasses. So I am explaining all this to my mom and she talks about the afternoon and I am saying I would rather go soon as possible because I have to study.I don’t want to have to break from my studying because it gets in the way of the efficiency for me. I have explained this to her a billion times and she doesn’t get it. I don’t know why. It’s like we speak different languages or she’s covering her ears whenever I speak to her. I get the confirmation from agnes and I am like lets go. She is on vacation so she has free time now, I am not on vacation because of MCAT. She said she made plans, that really pissed me off because she could have told me that way earlier and I wouldn’t have bothered with her and started studying. I told her that and she’s like she did and said no you did not, you said in the afternoon, which is indirectly. I cannot read your mind, you need to tell me directly I made plans for this morning when you hear me talk about getting glasses. So why do I need my mom there? Well I wanted to get an opinion on the glasses and I didn’t want to be alone. I am alone for pretty much 12 hours a day, so some human interaction is nice especially with my mom. But she doesn’t understand that.

Uncertainty gives me Great Anxiety.

So I am in my room, with my window open and it smells like fall. I love that smell. So why am I anxious? Whenever I am about to receive news, I feel like I am in a suspense. Also, there something that has been wandering around in the background for a while that I believe is contributing to these unwanted palpitations. Since I got back on my Alabama trip, I have been slacking on my MCAT studying and assignments. I am trying to get back on it, its working out slowly but I am still not satisfied. As well, my ADHD has hindered my producibility in my work, such as unmotivated to look at what I have to do and hyperfocus on something that has little importance. To add on to that, I met a boy at my climbing gym and that has added to my anxiety. Is it serious? Not really, he’s not as ambitious as I am.However, I have tried to be a little inspiring but I am not a huge fan of that role. Things were going well, but lately since we kissed things have been slowing down. He is not communicating with me as much anymore, he is an extremely clingy person and that behavior is no longer observable. Simultaneously, I have pulled away because I am not the type to keep the wheel going to avoid being annoying or suffocating to my pursuit. I spoke to my counselor and explained that he has been a distraction from my goals. To be extreme, dash that guy out,or to be neutral , balance my time. I am trying the whole balancing thing and I hate it. I need to be consumed in my work, it makes me happy, and if the person I am with is the same we are in kumbaya. Confessions of a WORKAHOLIC huh? After much rambling, let me get to the point. He said he wants to talk to me. What about? I have no clue. Okay,okay I know, he wants to stay as friends and I am fine with that.But what’s with the confrontation and the suspense? Just spit it out already. This is me being impatient. I am having palpitations from all this and I just want it to be over already. I feel like I am in jail.

easternmediterranean

An email by Hillary Clinton published by Wikileaks confirmed that the Obama Administration helped ignite the Syrian Civil War as “the best way to help Israel.”

A newly-released Hillary Clinton email published by Wikileaks has confirmed that the Obama Administration helped ignite the civil war in Syria as “the best way to help Israel.”

Clinton also says that the best course of action is to “use force” to overthrow the Syrian government, specifically because it is in Israel’s interest and that she believes this will undermine the “regional alliance” between Syria, Hezbollah, and Iran and will help halt Iran’s growing nuclear capability.

The email sheds light on United States policy towards the Middle East and makes it clear that the policy of the U.S. has been to encourage and provoke a civil conflict in Syria to further its geopolitical interests and those of Israel from the very beginning. These words are especially alarming coming from a senior federal official in charge of American foreign policy.

Clinton specifically mentions Iran’s nuclear program as threatening Israel’s atomic monopoly in the Middle East, and that other “adversaries” in the region could be encouraged to go nuclear as well and threaten the interests of the U.S. and Israel. In true realpolitik Machiavellian logic, this means that Syria must be destroyed.

Leaked email: https://wikileaks.org/clinton-emails/emailid/18328

papaghanoush-deactivated2018073

i feel like crying right now fuck you hillary fuck you and fuck the rest of you in our government

Ikea

So I went to ikea with him. The last time we were there was for Christmas. I had said to him that he's gonna move away and meet some medical student there. In the middle of that I was tearing up. So we were at ikea, I thought about that day. Jon, likes to repeat himself. First off we saw a tiny table for 2, he made a comment that his mom said "oh this table is too small for when you bring girls over. What are you going to do just stare at them? "truth is I still like jon and that bothered me. That table was similar to one we looked at during Christmas. It felt like a slap. 2nd, we saw another table It was a table that was there last time and he said this is the table mom should have gotten blah blah. I finished his sentence with yeah you wanted it with folding arms. Then we passed the area I was about to start balling. I walked away, we looked at comforters. He was explaining there was a slip for the bed so you could change it out. I said it was a waste of time, I'm from down home and that seemed excessive. He then said I was closed minded and kept saying that I was very closed minded. I said okay I am, I'm fine with that. Let's agree to disagree, I'm not in the mood to argue about bed sheets. He got a phone call and I kinda disappeared. He found me, this time he seemed like he wanted attention and I called him out on it. After I sat down I wasn't feel too great. I felt like crap. In my head I kept confirming to myself, it's done it's over. I accept it. Yet how come I feel down. He's really leaving, he's going away, he's going to find someone else. I was just a phase. I didn't want to be a phase. I'm not a phase, I make a difference in someone's life. Don't Pass ME Down Like I'm A Phase.

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