The Carlin Rules of Sport

INSPIRED BY LEGENDARY COMEDIAN GEORGE CARLIN AND HIS RULES OF SPORT, THIS SITE INTENDS TO CODIFY WHAT EXACTLY MAKES A SPORT, AND HELP SETTLE MANY A LATE-NIGHT BAR ARGUMENT.

[sportsrules]

Team Handball

From Wikipedia

Handball (also known as team handball, Olympic handball, European handball, or Borden ball[1]) is a team sport in which two teams of seven players each (six outfield players and a goalkeeper) pass a ball to throw it into the goal of the other team. A standard match consists of two periods of 30 minutes, and the team with the most goals scored wins.

There are a bunch of games I don't follow on a regular basis that are transfixing when I find myself watching them, including curling, cricket and team handball. Considering it combines the best of soccer and basketball, team handball seems like it should be super popular here in America, but no one plays it or watches it (though in school gym class, I remember playing a form of it that included the use of basketball nets, though that easily could have been Calvinball.) I can't even begin to figure out why it hasn't become popular here, because it is fast-paced, physical, high-scoring and easy to follow. It's basically everything Americans want from a game, with the exception of the dominance of Europeans.

Perhaps we haven't embraced it because it's not a sport? Grab a ball and let's find out...

Rule 1: It's right there in the name. Of course there are balls involved.

Rule 2: Per Wikipedia, "Field players are allowed to touch the ball with any part of their bodies above and including the knee." Hmm...that does mean no shins, ankles or feet. I am willing to give this one a pass though, as the original rule kept soccer from being a sport, and this is the antithesis of that ruling.

Rule 3: Team handball is not a form of transportation, so we're good.

Rule 4: Though the game is physical, there are penalties for excessive violence, or attacks from the side or rear. This isn't Thunderdome.

Rule 5: Far as I can tell, they wear sneakers. Everyone's got a pair of those.

Rule 6: When you've got 14 people running around a gym floor and they can actually play defense (I'm looking at you basketball) someone's likely to catch a ball off the face or take a hard fall.

Rule 7: Score more goals, get more glory. As it should be.

Rule 8: No sticks, no problem.

Rule 9: I'm reconsidering using this rule. The thing is, maybe once upon a time you couldn't bet on oddball games, but there's not much of anything you can't bet on today. If it comes down to a game only breaking Rule 9, we'll have to give it serious thought.

Rule 10: Futu-i! Romania has scooped up four medals in Men's Team Handball at the Olympics, most recently in 1984. It's a tenuous disqualification, but I've turned a blind eye twice before. This...this is too much to ignore.

So Team Handball is not a sport. It's too bad, because other than the two borderline conflicts, Team Handball was well on its way to sports-dom. Instead, it remains a niche game shown at 3 a.m. on MSNBC during the Summer Olympics every four years. 

[sportsrules]

Dressage

From Wikipedia

Dressage (/ˈdrɛsɑːʒ/ or /drɨˈsɑːʒ/; a French term, most commonly translated to mean "training") is a competitive equestrian sport, considered by the International Equestrian Federation as "the highest expression of horse training" and where "horse and rider are expected to perform from memory a series of predetermined movements".

It's Olympics time, and we're in the midst of another Presidential campaign, which puts us in the odd junction where dressage becomes something the general public is aware of. They say that horse racing is the sport of kings, (though we'll look at horse racing at a later date) so that must make dressage the sport of the kings' disappointing modern-dance-obsessed middle child. Seriously, any activity that requires you to dress like a doorman and force an animal to do something even they are embarrassed by (and remember, they'll crap anywhere) you have a situation that is just ridiculous.

When it was discovered that Mitt Romney's family is involved in dressage, no one could be too surprised, as its elitist sensibilities are a perfect match for the Bain Capital alumnus, but when people learn that you can earn a gold medal in dressage, it's like when Anderson Cooper disclosed he was gay. Pure shock. There are a lot of odd events in the Olympics that will make people question why they are a part of the Games, but nothing raises eyebrows like dressage. Ballet isn't in the Olympics. So why is horse ballet? Softball, baseball, even polo, are no longer in the Olympics, but pretending you're in International Velvet allows you to call yourself an Olympic athlete.

So obviously, it's hard to argue why dressage is in the Olympics, but is it a sport? Let's prance over to the rules to see...

Rule 1: Whoops. No balls (in every sense of the word) means no sport.

It was pretty obvious that dressage is not a sport, but one-and-done in the rule book makes it a sure thing. Looking down the rest of the rules, if you threw a ball into the mix, dressage could have made a decent run, but would have tripped and been put down by Rule 9 (you can't wager on dressage), Rule 11 (there's nothing crueler to horses than making them dance), Rule 12 (no one strives like someone involved with dressage) and Rule 14 (you can't defend in dressage (and you certainly can't defend dressage.)

Other rules broken by dressage that don't yet exist (because they have yet to be necessary) include "Winners in sports aren't decided by judges," "Dancing is not a sport" and "You can't wear fancy clothes and play sports." You also can't pronounce a sport two different acceptable ways.

[sportsrules]

Tennis

  From Wikipedia

Tennis is a sport usually played between two players (singles) or between two teams of two players each (doubles). Each player uses a racket that is strung to strike a hollow rubber ball covered with felt over a net into the opponent's court. Object of the game is to play the ball in such a way that the opponent is not able to play a good return.[1] Tennis is an Olympic sport and is played at all levels of society at all ages. The sport can be played by anyone who can hold a racket, including people in wheelchairs.

Tennis is one of a number of games that used to be a big deal, but has been replaced by far more entertaining pastimes. Despite this, it hangs on, making a play for the spotlight every five or 10 years, on the back of a particularly impressive participant, only to drop back into the shadows once said participant inevitably flames out due to fame, drugs and alcohol and/or injuries (or, in the case of Anna Kournikova, people finally realized they just aren't that good (just crazy hot.)) Tennis has had its golden eras, but they get shorter and shorter, and there are few big names out there that will make the casual fan tune into Wimbledon.

In school, when we were forced into the sunlight to play tennis during gym class, it would inevitably devolve into Mortal Tennis, where the goal was not to best your rival in a vigorous rally, but to peg your opponent with a rocketed tennis ball. If your game is less fun than trying to avoid being nailed in the flank with a fuzzy yellow missile, you're not talking about a good time. Add in the game's elitist trappings (Really? I have to wear white?) and it's even less enjoyable. So I, and a majority of Americans may not like it, but does that mean it's not a sport? Let's hit the rules:

Rule 1: It may be fuzzy, but it's still a ball. At least that's my story.

Rule 2: Hands? If only that was allowed. Per the rules of the USTA, you lose a point is "the ball in play touches the player or anything that the player is wearing or carrying, except the racket." So, there goes that. Also interesting to note, you lose a point if "the player deliberately and materially changes the shape of the racket when the ball is in play." The existence of this rule allows me to believe that tennis was once played by superheroes. Is tennis a sport? No.

As per our long-held tradition, let's see what else makes tennis a non-sport.

Rule 6: Unless you're playing Mortal Tennis or you've got a crazy German stalker, you're unlikely to suffer a serious injury in Tennis.

Rule 8: This is a close one. One could argue that a raquet is simply a net on a stick pulled really tight. We can thankfully sleep easy that this decision didn't come down to Rule 8.

Rule 10: The pride of Bucharest, Ilie Năstase was the world's number one player in 1973. (I fully admit how surprised I am that Rule 10 is frequently broken.)

Rule 12: I'm pretty sure that anywhere tennis is being played, you don't have to look hard to find some vacuous, striving, superficial joiners. They normally are the ones who sponsored you for membership at the country club (or they are you.)

[sportsrules]

Wrestling

From Wikipedia:

Wrestling is a form of combat sport involving grappling type techniques such as clinch fighting,throws and takedowns, joint locks, pins and other grappling holds. A wrestling bout is a physical competition, between two (occasionally more) competitors or sparring partners, who attempt to gain and maintain a superior position. There are a wide range of styles with varying rules with both traditional historic and modern styles. Wrestling techniques have been incorporated into other martial arts as well as military hand-to-hand combat systems.

Though when most people hear the word wrestling they think of either Earnest Hemingway or the intensely homoerotic soap opera that is the WWE, wrestling has a long tradition as an amateur physical competition between two guys wearing next to no clothing at all, getting all up in each other's business. As a former high-school wrestler myself, I can attest that nothing will settle any confusion about your sexuality than having another guy's sweaty sack in your face as he attempts to press you down roughly on the ground (though many wait for college to achieve such an experience.)

Wrestling is an tough athletic endeavor, and it's one of the more skill-intensive events in interscholastic and Olympic athletics, but the question we grapple with is, is it a sport?

Rule 1: RIng the bell, the match is OVAH! No balls (other than the ones mushed in your face), no sport. This one was finished before both straps of the singlet were on. Is wrestling a sport? No.

For fun (and since we have the time), let's do a quick run-down of the other rules wrestling breaks:

Rule 4: Considering the whole thing is about getting someone down on the ground and imposing your will on them, it kinda breaks this rule.

Rule 5: You could probably take the mat in your Dr. Scholl's but they make you wear the men's version of ballet shoes.

Rule 9: Never heard of a wrestling bet.

Rule 10: Gheorghe Berceanu won a gold at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Rule 13: I'm a closet fan of those World's Stupidest shows on TruTV. Whole lotta drunk guys wrestling on there, and it doesn't look that different from the guys in the spandex.

[sportsrules]

Lacrosse

From Wikipedia

Lacrosse is a team sport of Native American origin played using a small rubber ball and a long-handled stick called a crosse or lacrosse stick, mainly played in the United States and Canada. It is a contact sport which requires padding. The head of the lacrosse stick is strung with loose mesh designed to catch and hold the lacrosse ball. Offensively, the objective of the game is to score by shooting the ball into an opponent’s goal, using the lacrosse stick to catch, carry, and pass the ball to do so.

Back in the day, Saint George dismissed lacrosse as a sport by declaring it “a faggot college activity” Well, I like to think we live in a more enlightened time, so we won’t be so crass.

That said, the rules must be applied. For the purposes of this entry, we are talking men’s lacrosse. Women’s lacrosse is an entirely different animal. as is box lacrosse (and we’ll tackle them at another time.)

Rule 1: Indeed, lacrosse is played with a ball. A very hard rubber ball that’s hurled  at an extreme rate of speed. Do not taunt happy lacrosse ball.

Rule 2: Well, technically you can’t use any part of your body in lacrosse. It’s all about your stick. That said, you’d probably want to avoid contact between the ball and your body, so we’ll give it a pass.

Rule 3: This is a game of competition on a field. The only Point A to Point B is from the face-off circle to the goal, and that’s rarely a straight line.

Rule 4: Lacrosse is not a genteel game. From the stick swinging to the aggressive hitting, there’s a lot of assault on the field. However, this is not the core of the game, so we’ll move on.

Rule 5: Whether cleats or good sneakers, most people own or have owned a pair of shoes that will let them take the lacrosse field.

Rule 6: Let me refer you to Rule 4 (or Rule 1 for that matter.) There’s definitely a chance someone’s leaving the field with a serious injury when you mix the projectile danger of jai alai with the brutal violence of hockey, all while wearing shorts.

Rule 7: Score more goals and you are the winner. It’s that simple (and it always should be.)

Rule 8:  Ooh…so close. The reality of the matter is, if standing in a field with a net on a stick makes for sport, we’ve got to accept lacrosse and butterfly collecting. That’s not going to happen.

Well, looking down the list, lacrosse is probably one of the closest games we’ll find to a true sport. going 12 for 13, though Rule 12 is questionable (Sports cannot be played alongside vacuous, striving, superficial joiners) since the vast majority of lacrosse is played in college, where the odds of playing alongside vacuous, striving, superficial joiners in any game is pretty high.

[sportsrules]

Curling

From Wikipedia:

Curling is a sport in which players slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a target area. It is related to bowls, boule and shuffleboard. Two teams, each of four players, take turns sliding heavy, polished granite stones, also called “rocks”, across the ice curling sheet towards the house, a circular target marked on the ice.[1] Each team has eight stones. The purpose is to accumulate the highest score for a game; points are scored for the stones resting closest to the centre of the house at the conclusion of each end, which is completed when both teams have thrown all of their stones. A game may consist of ten or eight ends.

Ah curling… everyone’s second-favorite Canadian-dominated Winter Olympic event. There’s something that’s utterly transfixing and calming about curling, as the players slide down what’s essentially a giant shuffleboard court, sweeping viciously in an attempt to move the stone down the ice. Perhaps the appeal is due to the contrast with the rest of the Winter Olympics’ mediocre line-up (with the exception of hockey), but curling, like soccer during the World Cup, offers a blend of exoticism and interest that’s hard to ignore once every four years.

But is it a sport? Let’s go down our list:

Rule 1: Sports are played with balls.

Well, that was quick. Though the curling stones be round-ish, they have handles, they don’t roll and they are, after all, called stones. So there are no balls in curling.

Other rules broken:

Rule 5: Sports do no require rented shoes. This is a technicality. No one would ever own curling shoes without being a genuine curler, what with their mismatched soles (putting them a step below bowling shoes.) But can you rent curling shoes? This non-Canadian does not know.

Rule 6: Sports involve the possibility of serious injury. Again…a technicality. Played correctly, there’s little to no chance you’ll get hurt sliding around on the ice with brooms, but if you get distracted by Irene Schori, you could possibly get your ankle caught between two stones, which would probably hurt. But again, little chance of that happening. 

In light of this, is curling a sport? No.