Skye — She/her. 18. Lesbian. Taurus. ❤︎ Katseye, Lucy Chen & Billie eilish fanatic, Sabrina Carpenter as well, of course.
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@stardustskyes
Skye — She/her. 18. Lesbian. Taurus. ❤︎ Katseye, Lucy Chen & Billie eilish fanatic, Sabrina Carpenter as well, of course.
Click here for paradise !!
Camera Ready ⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚
PAIRING: Sabrina Carpenter x Popstar OC
SYNOPSIS: nova sinclair didn’t think much about sabrina carpenter. at least, not until she started showing up in every conversation, every set, and every room she walked into. by the time sabrina even looks at nova, nova already knows too much about her. sabrina hardly knows anything about nova. that feels like a problem.
CONTENT: potential smut in the future, fluff, smoking, future drinking, depression, potential tw for slight mention of body dysmorphia, internalized homophobia, partying, parental issues. most of these are going to be in later chapters.
a/n <3 this is my first work ever, my dear friend has been helping me proofread, and making my tumblr layouts for me so i could even post this. this oc is very dear to me and i enjoyed writing this first chapter.
CHAPTER ONE: double booked
The first time Sabrina Carpenter heard Nova Sinclair’s name, it was attached to something she didn’t ask to be a part of.
An article she didn’t ask to come onto her feed. A brief glance at someone's phone that had been discarded, angled perfectly with the screen unlocked like it was asking for Sabrina to see, on a table at some photoshoot. It's half-read by Sabrina, half-ignored. until she noticed her name caught in the same sentence.
Not as a comparison yet, just on the brink of it.
She didn’t look twice at first. She was used to names floating through the industry like that, half of the people she’d probably never meet. all in an orbit, but never any contact. She’d ignore it, going back to what she was doing, and let it disappear.
But later, it showed up again. and again. this time, in a meeting she's actually in.
“We’re seeing a lot of overlap in audience engagement between Sabrina and Nova Sinclair.” someone said, like its data instead of people they’re talking about. “Different styles, same fanbase.”
Nova Sinclair was the name that had been bothering her as of late, always in an interview, always next to hers, she ignored it for awhile, while she could.
..But of course, here she was in a meeting, and it's now inevitably “a problem.” for her image, and for her management.
She zones back in as soon as her brain seems to comprehend what had been said, “different styles.” it stuck.
Sabrina was known for control, precision and the type of presence that felt edited and poised even when it wasn’t.
She also built things carefully in the industry, broke nothing unless she absolutely had to.
Nova, from what she had heard, and seen in passing, is the opposite of that. louder in ways that don’t look planned, like she hadn’t set up a game plan with her management before any event or interview, and if she did, she sure as hell hadn’t listened to whatever it was.
There was no real similarity between them. that was what irritated sabrina,
And maybe thats what fueled the internet's need for competition.
She’d be lying if she said she hasn’t read what people say online. It usually was something along the lines of,
“nova’s lyrics are deeper and actually have meaning.”
“sabrina just seems..fake as fuck lol. nova is always real, especially in her interviews.”
She could just scroll everytime she saw something like that. It was a waste of her time. She had better things to do.
But she never scrolled.
“Sabrina, are you listening?” her media manager confirms from across the table where Sabrina’s sitting.
She blinks, then nods,
“Yeah, I have a shoot later today with Felix, got it.” She mumbles, her hands lacing together under the table.
Nova hears Sabrina's name in a different kind of room. not a meeting, not a board table. somewhere where she doesn’t really have time to process what was being said and why, as at least 3 different stylists sprayed hairspray that definitely got into her mouth more than she would’ve liked, and pressed powder puffs into her skin lined with translucent powder.
She listens silently, scrolling on her phone as the stylists worked, part of her team could be heard in the background as they had their phones out. clips playing without sound, talking louder than they thought they were.
Someone laughs, “They’re pushing Sabrina hard recently, did you see she’s headlining for Coachella?” it leaves a sour taste in Nova’s mouth, because recently, she hasn’t been able to escape the name, “Sabrina Carpenter.” no matter where she was. not even in the comfort of her own home.
Another voice responds without thinking, as if they were immune to anybody else hearing them, let alone Nova.
“Well, Nova’s right there with her too, they almost considered her, but they ended up giving it to Sabrina, it’s like they want to pit them against eachother.”
She crinkles her nose at that, not immediately.
But she’s seen Sabrina's work, god who hadn’t? you don’t avoid people at that level, you just don’t have reason to look too closely unless someone told you to.
What she’s noticed, if anything, is that Sabrina doesn’t do much that feels accidental, much like everyone in the industry, but it bothered Nova more than she would like.
Everything involving Sabrina Carpenter was composed, intentional, and almost distant if you looked hard enough, like she was always slightly removed from the noise that was the industry.
Nova wasn’t like that. she never had been. it’s not like she was gonna shave her head and go full ‘Britney Spears, circa 2007.’ but she took what her management said as a suggestion more than a demand when she could.
She scrolls past another clip of Sabrina without watching it fully, pauses for half a second, then locks her phone with a click. setting it down on the vanity in front of her.
Nova chooses, instead, to continue watching the stylist work on her hair in the mirror, she shifts slightly, playing with the silver rings that line her fingers.
She wasn’t irritated, more so aware.
Because the strange part wasn’t sabrina herself, sabrina was known in the industry and already famous.
It was how often she was being placed next to someone who she had literally nothing to do with, or, had even met, like the industry was forcing some kind of connection neither of them had agreed to.
Nova is halfway through a photoshoot that she doesn’t even want to be at. It's loud, fast and overlit, the lights give her more of a headache then she already has, she adjusts the skirt she’s wearing, covering less then she would like it to, she ignores the itchiness of the sheer tights that accompany it, though her nose crinkles in disdain at the feeling. She listens to the photographer telling her,
“Turn slightly, hold.. don’t move, perfect!” the camera flash goes off, and he smiles brightly at Nova, “That was perfect, we’ll take about 3 more shots of you in this outfit if all goes well.”
She meets his gaze with a small, polite smile of her own, it didn’t quite meet her eyes, but the response seemed enough to satisfy him.
“Could you turn your head slightly more to the side? I want one of you slightly more… neutral.”
She does what the photographers tell her to do every photoshoot despite her reputation.
She nods and moves back into position, turns her head slightly to the side, with her lips pouting perfectly. This time with the angle her head is at, Nova’s eyes lock onto a collage of photos on the wall of previous people the photographer has shot for, Sabrina Carpenter being one of them.
She immediately loses focus, her lips falling out of the trained pouty expression they had been in and she hears the photographer yelling, “Cut!”, often meaning, “Regroup and we’ll try again when you can focus.”
Shit, what was with her today?
She snaps back into focus as her manager, Hannah, yells, “Take 5!” , somewhere amidst the crowd of people circling the shoot, more-so around the photographer, who is now picking through the photos he deems satisfactory.
Nova nods, now just standing in the middle of the shoot like a deer in headlights, and stiffly retreats back into the hair and makeup area.
Unfortunately, before she has time to spiral more into the enigma that is sabrina carpenter’s and her’s imaginary relationship, Madison Beer, Nova’s best friend, appears beside her, and she had almost forgotten Madison had been allowed to come along with her.
Madison leans in, close enough for nova to smell the perfume she’d become familiar with as they grew closer over the past couple of years, something sweet, spicy, and expensive.
“Hey.” Madison says quietly, not too loud, because Nova’s still technically on set, but her tone’s warm enough for nova to just focus on her for a moment.
Madison glances at Nova for a second, makeup perfect, hair styled just so, face unreadable as always, but Nova can tell Madison knows the look that appears on the her face, the one where she crinkles her nose like she’s smelling something that died.
So without asking if everything was okay (she knew better than to assume), she holds out a half drunken latte, that was mostly watered down with ice at this point.
In retrospect it was a sweet gesture. and was a universal peace offering between two best friends who don’t talk about feelings unless they were drunk or crying.
She gives Madison a sheepish smile, it fully meeting her eyes, and she takes it, taking a sip, and furrowing her brows as the liquid hits her tongue.
“Ew what the fuck is this!?” She basically fights to swallow the liquid instead of spitting it directly onto Madison’s lethal facecard, her voice is loud enough to discard Madison’s earlier attempt of respecting the fact they’re on set.
Madison immediately rolls her eyes at the girl, taking the latte back with aggression that she didn’t really mean.
“God forbid I try to make you less miserable then you so obviously are right now.” she murmurs, her tone mock-offended.
Nova rolls her eyes in return, “That tastes like straight ass.” she huffs, almost a laugh, before continuing, no longer making fun of Madison’s poor taste in expensive L.A coffee, a small glint in her eye.
“Since we’re taking 5… bathroom break with me?” She tilts her head at the girl, her voice dropping an octave as soon as the words come out of her mouth, the implication written between the lines.
Madison nods, linking arms with Nova. And as they walk down corridors, dodging stylists and makeup artists around them, she asks what she had already asked earlier by offering Nova the latte, this time with words.
“Is Sabrina still on your mind?” Her voice a mindless hum as they enter the bathroom, the door not staying open behind them, closing with a loud slam. The bathroom is small, too white, harsh fluorescent lights that make everyone look slightly ill and too pale, Nova leans against the sink, one hand gripping the edge the other going to pull a vape from her bra, taking a long drag, exhaling the fruity smoke into Madison’s face, she crinkles her nose at it, but is used to it at this point.
Nova fights the urge to run her fingers through her hair, which multiple stylists just spent at least an hour with to get her black, pin straight hair to curl in just the right way as she opens her mouth to answer.
“I’m just so caught off guard with all the made-up competition shit between me and her. Our music is so different, I mean– it took me so long to even sign with my current label, which mind you, literally partnered with her label.” Nova’s hands seem to fly dramatically in the air as she talks, something she always did when she was frustrated.
She takes another puff of her vape blowing another cloud out, this time not blowing the smoke directly into Madison’s face, before adding, in a small almost jealous murmur,
“And of course she was signed with her label way earlier.” , she runs her fingertips against the smooth plastic of her vape, like it was some fidget that soothed her.
Madison blows air through her teeth, “Yikes.”
Nova immediately shoots the girl a glare, before leaning back on the cool stone of the counter she had been gripping.
She knew she was overreacting in some kind of way, but when she worked so hard, only to be compared to some girl she’d only heard of briefly, stripped of her own individuality and grouped as “Sabrina Carpenter's Upcoming Rival!” It was hard not to.
She sighs and shoves the vape into her bra again, her frustration showing through her fumbling hands as she adjusts her shirt in a way you couldn’t tell she had anything in it at all.
Nova could almost sense that Madison never knew what to say when she got like this, all rambles and pent-up frustration, she could just see that in the way Madison pursed her lips and nodded along with her words. She never expected anything from the girl, but she needs someone other than her management to vent her frustrations to.
Madison breaks the silence after Nova finishes adjusting her shirt,
“Ready?” Madison says simply, her tone light but careful, like Nova could snap any moment.
She hated that, being looked at like she was fragile and could break any minute.
But she nods, pushing the bathroom door open and instantly being met by people everywhere again.
She guides herself and Madison through the crowd, she doesn’t understand how this isn’t a health code violation with how many people could be packed into a studio this fucking small, she just internally scoffs and heads back to brief with the photographer, leaving Madison to fend for herself somewhere admist the crowd.
The photographer was someone she had never worked with, she had heard many good things about his name in the industry. Through her management, saying that if she was able to get a shoot with him, it’d boost her name in the industry.
His name was Felix, a small, very obviously gay man, with light facial hair and a round build, who obviously had passion for what he did, not only that but he was damn good at what he did.
Nova approaches Felix, a small smile plastered on her lips, almost scaring him as he was clearly looking through potential photos that they had shot earlier.
“Hey.” She greets, her hands clasping behind her back,
“I’m so sorry for zoning out earlier, I'm ready to continue shooting the outfit whenever you’re ready.” she apologizes, her smile remaining on her face as she speaks.
He’s a nice man, and everyone was no-nonsense in their own way, she respects that. It’s not like it’s his fault he’s good at his job and was able to shoot for other well-known celebrities.
It’s also not like he knew Sabrina Carpenter was driving her absolutely fucking crazy recently, and not in a good way.
Felix seems to recover from the startle she’d apparently given him and looks up at her with a nod,
“Great. We just really need you to focus on this shoot Nova.” He says, his tone is still polite, but she still can tell he’s slightly annoyed.
“These shots are great but you just don’t seem as in it as we’d like.”
He picks up his laptop which was resting on a table nearby a cup of the same brand of coffee Madison had offered her earlier and opens a file, he settles on a picture, clicking on it twice. And zooms in on Nova’s face as it opens.
“In this picture, the pose is great, but you’re not even looking at the camera, the shot would’ve been a hundred times better if you had been, you feel me?” He glances at Nova, he's pointing at her face in the picture, mainly at her eyes.
Right.
Nova nods, “No yeah, I totally get that.” She pauses, and a brief moment of awkward silence comes over them.
She hesitates slightly before speaking, like Felix could suddenly read her thoughts and knew she was going slightly insane over something.
“ I couldn’t help but notice you’ve shot for Sabrina Carpenter?”
It was a rhetorical question, obviously, and his reaction shows, that he could not suddenly read her thoughts.
Felix’s eyes light up not noticing the hesitation in Nova’s voice. He immediately opens a different folder on his laptop, which by the way, was horrifically unorganized, it makes Nova squirm.
But she looks at what he shows her, nonetheless.
It’s pictures that he had shot of Sabrina.
And she looked flawless. Like literally gorgeous.
It was kind of unfair. But she remembers seeing this shoot pop up on her instagram feed at some point in her life.
“Oh wow.” she muses as he continues showing her the photos, trying to hide the smidge of envy that laces her voice.
He nods in agreement, though Nova wasn’t really sure what there was to agree to in what she had just said.
“Amazing person to shoot for.” He boasts.
She nods, smiling politely as he rambles on about the outfits he picked and how he had special stylists work on set with her.
“That’s amazing, what an accomplishment to shoot for someone so popular in the industry, it must’ve been hard to get to work with her.”
Her voice is too calm as she speaks, her hands tighten in the clasp that she still holds behind her back.
Felix throws his head back in an exaggerated laugh, before shaking his head, “Oh god no, her team and her are amazing, they actually reached out to me, said they loved my work, she was a dream to work with.” he says proudly, still clicking through pictures in the folder.
As much as she doesn’t want to admit it, that was not the answer she was looking for.
What was wrong with her?
Her jaw tightens as her eyes flick away from the photos he’s showing her to a random spot on the wall, then back to the photos, forcing a tight smile.
“Right, yeah that makes sense,” she says shaking her head just slightly, like she already agrees, even though she clearly doesn’t.
Of course she wasn’t hard to work with.
He continues, not seeming to notice Nova’s shift in tone.
“She was actually really natural in front of the camera. Didn’t need much direction, she's actually coming back today.”
Nova’s jaw tenses before she can stop it.
She wants to disappear.
She shouldn’t even have asked about Sabrina, it was dumb. But the words bubble out of her like bile.
“Oh, really? When?” she says lightly, too quickly, her head tilting slightly.
Felix’s eyes visibly glance to the time in the corner of his laptop. Then almost in the same motion toward the studio door.
It opens.
Light spills in for a second before it shuts again.
“Seems like now.” he says, groaning, like he’s already regretting the schedule.
What the fuck?
Nova doesn’t move at first.
She just stares at him.
“...Now?” She repeats after Felix, quietly, as if she doesn’t quite understand.
She still had to continue her shoot, so why the hell was Sabrina Carpenter here?
Her brows furrow shamelessly, not enough to be quite visible, as she bites her lip unconsciously.
Felix is already setting his laptop down, apologizing under his breath, talking about timing and overlap and how he’ll fix it immediately.
Nova hears him, but it doesn’t fully register.
“I promise we can finish your shoot immediately, the double-booking is on me completely.”
Her face is blank for a moment, like she's still processing, but then she smiles at him, shaking her head, before speaking,
“Please, don’t worry, I completely understand, we can start shooting as soon as you’re ready, I already took five awhile ago.” she says, squeezing his hands in her own, but she lets them go.
Felix nods, murmuring another apology and something about, ‘let me set up for you again’ and walks away, leaving Nova by the table with the laptop.
She stands there, she’s not mad, she wasn’t an asshole who was about to blame everything on Felix, his schedule was busy as hell.
Still, she finds herself playing with her rings again, idly, nervously, like she’s waiting for something, anything.
Her eyes tear away from her rings, finding herself looking across the studio now, near the edge of the setup,
Sabrina Carpenter is there.
She hasn’t seen Nova yet.
She’s talking to someone, likely her manager, half-turned, half relaxed, like she belongs in the space already.
And Sabrina’s all blonde, soft, blown out waves, extensions, presumably, (according to the internet, not Nova.) makeup already done, and she looks like Felix could take a picture from where Nova stood across the studio right now, and be done with the shoot.
Camera ready without trying.
Like she walked into a shoot that was already waiting for her.
Nova’s expression doesn’t change. But something in her body goes still, her hands dropping to her sides again.
Nova doesn’t mean to stare, but it’s kind of hard not to, and it’s kind of hard to look away when she catches sight of the blonde.
She watches as Sabrina nods, like she's half-listening to something her manager is saying, as her fingers brush over a hanger on a rack of clothes someone must’ve half-haspheredly wheeled into the studio.
Then Sabrina looks up.
And it happens so simply, Nova doesn’t register it at first.
Sabrina’s gaze lands on Nova. It's unreadable. It’s not a glare, or anything like that.
It’s just there, and there's an uncomfortable, at least for Nova, moment that neither of them look away, and Nova feels it immediately. Like she's being noticed.
Sabrina’s expression seems to change, just slightly. Not a smile, or a frown. More like recognition of something she didn’t expect either.
Nova’s eyes flick to the camera nearby, then they quickly flick back to Sabrina, who's still looking.
And Nova really wants to try and not look at Sabrina, but you know when your friends talk on and on about someone and you have no idea who they are, you can’t help but be curious when you see them in person for the first time?
That’s how Nova felt except with the media’s constant comparison on who did what better and Sabrina Carpenter.
This time, Sabrina smiles, it's more like a slight curve in her lips, as if she's acknowledging that Nova is also here, right here right now, it's polite, not flashy, or what Nova expected at all really. And then Sabrina gives her a small nod.
Nova seems to automatically nod back, a second too late, before Sabrina can see, and Sabrina’s attention has visibly shifted already, pulled back into the conversation with her manager, like that interaction didn’t bother her in the slightest.
Did Nova look like a complete dumbass who was gawking now?
She’s pulled from her thoughts, back into reality as Felix calls her name from the camera, she hadn’t even noticed Felix had come back to wherever he had run off to.
Hannah and Madison are by his side too now. Both looking at Nova like they can read exactly what she’s thinking.
“Nova! Ready?” He says, snapping at her from the camera with his fingers, his eyes meeting hers, before they flick somewhere else, then in the same motion back to Nova.
Nova nods, speaking mindlessly, “Yeah.. yeah.” her eyes want to look back to where Sabrina was, but she looks at Felix instead, who’s impatiently waiting near the camera, probably stressed about his scheduling mishap.
She adjusts her rings and hair once, before heading to the front of the camera, back on set.
computa how do i post fanfiction
MASTERLIST
WORKS:
Hey hoe
omg it’s a lesbian..,
Siren sounds
BBF Ellie x reader
˚⟡˖ ࣪ Synopsis … … Ellie is your brothers best friend, you’ve known her since you were little kids on the playgrounds together. And when you grew up things became different— messier. What happens when fantasies become a reality?
˚⟡˖ cw: 18+ content minors n men do not interact. use of alcohol, weed mentioned in background, cheater!Ellie, slight angst if you squint, fem reader, some fluff, make-outs, fingering r!recieving, eating out r!recieving, dirty talk, trying not to get caught, only proofread by me so it might be ass😭
Word count: 11k
You met when you were kids.
The air smelt like freedom and everyone was wild eyed, ready to face the world head on because you all had no idea what it was truly like. But at that time it never mattered, the focus was on living, not surviving.
Your brother and Ellie were only a year older than you, and they’d become the self proclaimed trouble makers of the class even in kindergarten, always getting into some form of mischief— either it’s drawing on the playground with markers, which is mostly just leaving dumb shapes over the monkey bars. Running away from teachers who try to wrangle them into the reflection corner, or picking fights with other kids on the playground.
On the other hand, there was you.
All frilly dresses and bows, dressed up like a doll which your mother just insisted on when you were a kid. It was embarrassing sometimes, but the dresses were also pretty and you didn’t entirely hate it.
You'd try to stick with your brother since it seemed like a lot of the kids didn’t want to be around you, you couldn’t tell why— but it hurt your feelings. You’d run to him to help yet he wouldn’t care, too distracted with his own group of friends, and didn’t want to be around you.
But he couldn’t get rid of you, and that’s because of one person.
Ellie.
Not only did she consistently try and include you despite the pushback, but she also kinda seemed to have a small thing for you.
It was one of those little kid crushes, you weren’t all that aware, but Ellie made sure to pay you special attention and that made you feel good.
She’d pick flowers for you out of the garden despite almost getting caught by the teacher a few times, she’d push you on the swing and make sure when you wanted to get off to make sure you’d come to a complete stop, and when some kid was mean to you she’d make their life a living hell.
She’d get in a lot of trouble whenever she’d try to impress you or protect you, but the way she’d look at you like a little puppy in headlights when you’d talk to her just proved how much she really liked you.
Your brother would poke fun at her for it, not truly understanding the depths of Ellie’s affection; part of that is because he’s a dumb kid, another part is the fact you’re both girls, making all these things just come off as friendship.
But you both felt that little flutter, even so young you’d know it felt different. All the times boys on the playground would attempt to impress you the same way Ellie did— they couldn’t make you feel the same way, there was no pull.
When she’d come over for play dates she’d try to sneak away and just be around you, making pillow forts because she’d usually have to stay in your room if she was allowed to sleep over, and you’d just be giggling and making little daydreams together. Playing with dolls. She’d always try to be the dad and you’d be the mom.
But it was just a sweet innocent crush.
Once you grew up, it’s not like Ellie changed that much.. but she’d definitely created her distance, you couldn’t pinpoint where she switched, when she became so closed off, when she’d started pulling away.
But by that time; you’d gotten your own friends, it’s not like you could avoid her all the time since she was always over, but she’d planted herself on the couch instead during sleepovers. She’d give less responses to you when you were in the room together.
But she never lost that kindness towards you, she still treated you better than most, still showed up if you did truly need her, but it didn’t feel like you had that own little moments between yourselves anymore.
And by her senior year? She definitely had the glow up of the century, talking like— insane levels of hot. She had girls questioning their sexuality and guys wanting to have that charm that she effortlessly possessed.
And you weren’t one to disagree with the rest, she had these magnetic eyes that had once been filled with pure childhood innocence, now they drew you in even when you couldn’t show it.
Her freckles lined her cheeks and nose like kisses from the sun itself, her hair always messy but somehow effortlessly her.
The distance killed you, especially when she looked so damn good prancing around your house in a hoodie, and sometimes boxers instead of pants if it’s an early morning. Killing you more when she’d grab your hip to move past you. The little squeeze she’d do could make your body react before your mind even had a chance to catch up, and followed by you immediately reining yourself in.
She still had that troublemaker spirit in her, some habits die hard. But instead it switched to skipping classes and smoking weed in your brother’s room, which you swore on your soul that you wouldn’t snitch.
You’d watched her live her life through the lens of a bystander, despite how badly you wanted to be the girl she had on her arm, new one every few weeks, you wished on a lucky star for your turn.
And maybe it was your turn at some point, but you were too young to actually take advantage of it, because you didn’t even know there was anything there.
And when she graduated? She’d stayed nearby, in the community college despite her potential for more. She didn’t wanna stray too far from home and that’s something you couldn’t judge.
You saw her less during that time, her and your brother were still close but they’d started dorming, so they wouldn’t come back often.
And by your senior year, graduation, and eventual acceptance into a university a few states away; you’d left it all behind. You couldn’t let the simple dream of being with someone outweigh the undeniable fact that it wasn’t going to happen.
The day you left, your parents hosted a small goodbye party. Lined with cheap tinsel draped over the walls next to the dining table, everything being placed like it’s the final dinner, which it was but at the same time; it was a little dramatic.
You just expected it to be a small get together before you’d moved on, you tried not to get overly emotional, to keep your head on straight.
Yet something different charged in the air than what you’d pictured, because Ellie was emotional. And you physically felt your heart break in your chest at the sight.
Your brother teases her for it, he was the only one not reacting like you were about to be shipped off to war, but hell, Ellie was more emotional than your damn parents.
And when you’d left the next morning she’d given you the biggest hug, your heart fluttered when her strong arms wrapped around your waist, you were so close.
It felt like during that last week, she’d almost been able to replicate something resembling the childhood you’d shared together. She spent more time with you, made you some form of priority. It felt like a guilt trip from God to make you reject your scholarship and let you stay home just to be by her side, like all the years spent with the gap between you two was forgotten.
Her breath was right against your neck, making you have to prevent a small shiver rising up your body and giving you goosebumps that could be marked permanently into your skin.
She only pulled away slightly to look at your face, noses almost pressing together. You were alone at the front door, your parents having said their goodbyes and your brother just thinking Ellie was in the bathroom, all of them having said goodbye earlier.
You could feel the brush of her eyelashes almost, like a phantom effect, like you’ve personally embedded yourself into her skin.
And then she whispered the words to you that fill you with hope, and dread. “I’ll miss you—fuck— I’ve always missed you”
“What?” You’d whispered back, looking at every inch of her face trying to indicate if this was some sick joke.
“I’m sorry, I should’ve said it sooner— but I was just focused on myself.” She said more firmly now, responding to your investigation of her features with a stronger look, something that just screamed sincerity.
You’d tried to come up with a response but the smell of her skin infected your nostrils, the scent mixed with something woody with a hint of vanilla, it was intoxicating.
And before realising it your eyes darted to the one place they’d been trying to avoid, her lips.
Soft, a light pink with a tiny scar that you’ve always wanted to kiss better despite the fact it healed years ago, she’d cut it whilst climbing a tree branch to impress you, you were there for that. You followed her to the nurse like a puppy trying to help the older lady make it better, despite the fact you were 6 and had no idea how to do anything medical related.
She noticed, she always seems to notice. It’s a certain click in her jaw that always somehow indicates that she’s picked up on a small trait, she just knows how to read people.
And it was like the air was cut off for a moment, and you barely processed that it actually was.
She kissed you, it was soft, tentative, like you were made of glass and this moment was sacred, precious. And it was.
You didn’t kiss back for a moment, before finally programming the fact in your mind that this was actually happening.
that’s when you finally kissed back, it was more passionate than her. Because you realised fast that this was a moment you’d never get back.
It didn’t feel much like a fairytale, despite the fact it was undeniably perfect. But maybe it was the fact of everything prior, that this is a moment of impulse and pure emotion. Something meaningful but not something you’d have tomorrow.
And just as quick as it came, it left. Your lips still tingled with the sensations, her lips were stained with your lipgloss.
You looked into her eyes for just another moment, but before anything could happen further, your brother called out.
“Ellie! Get the fuck back in here! I can’t beat this stupid level.”
And.. that was it. She stared for a moment longer before turning back around, like it didn’t happen. Like the kiss didn’t absolutely rewire your damn brain chemistry.
You wanted to call out, say something more, but the way she just— left, there was nothing else to do. And it almost drove you crazy for a minute, wanting to scream ‘what the fuck was that?’ But the door clicked behind her.
Standing for a moment longer, suitcase being gripped so hard just to ground you back to reality, you felt like it must’ve been a spur of the moment. Emotions just tying together to create one big fucked up mess that neither of you could exactly go back from.
But there’s nothing else to do other than to turn around, open the front door despite the little tremor in your hand you didn’t pick up on earlier, and leaving.
It was scary at first, being across state lines, exploring a new territory away from everyone you’ve ever known, but it’s a good university. It gets you a good head start into a really good future, and it’s just something you can’t fuck up.
The first few days were hard, adjusting to this new life that you’d done by choice yet it was all so confusing. You were late to the first few classes because your sense of direction felt absolutely smashed, you tried to decorate your side of the dorm and had to ignore your roommates glare. You didn’t even have anyone to complain about that to.
You left everything. Friends, family, Ellie. But soon enough it got easier, your parents still called sometimes, even your brother on the rare occasion, never from Ellie though.
You wanted answers, the kiss plaguing your head for days. It felt honestly like you’d lost your mind because your heartbeat was constantly out of order, like it could barely beat without closure.
But you couldn’t text first, it’d be too awkward now, especially because you’re now far away from her.
It felt impossible to start something now that there was so much distance, way more distance than it was being in the same room with her for years, whilst never truly addressing all the nights spent with each other. The curious way you’d always be following her around. And the way she’d guide you like she was your cover, the one protecting you from the snotty kids in the playground.
And after a few months during the semester, you stood on your own. The usual busyness of the hallways becomes something you’re able to walk through without having a stumble in your step, or being overtaken by the other kids rushing around.
It became something of your own, strictly yours, with nobody else’s say. The crisp air felt like new beginnings instead of fear and a clicking loud time bomb with a timer on top of your head.
You’d even tried college parties, being dragged there by new friends you’d made in your course, which finally gave you a sense of belonging. But they didn’t seem as fun as people made them seem.
Sure it was cool, something you’d never done before, usually you’d be at home watching Ellie and your brother going to parties and you’d be at home in your pajamas, watching Law & Order reruns with popcorn. But you’re not in high school anymore, are you?
And now you’re at the scene, watching the smoke filled air twirl around you, it could be beautiful as it flows through the flashing lights.. if it also didn’t feel like it was suffocating you and tying up your airways.
Some guys tried to approach you, and like clockwork you turned them down. None of them exactly appealed to you, men never did. You felt like you should’ve put a sign over your head telling them that you’re only here by sheer force, not to listen to a frat boy discuss politics that he clearly had no real idea about.
You let your friends lead you across different areas of the house that seem to be filled with different people each time. Each time you pass someone new you can’t help but wonder about their stories, wonder what part of their life they’re in. A little people watching habit you developed after being a spectator most of your life.
And then by the time the alcohol had started entering your system, the bitter taste of vodka was unable to be hidden by the raspberry juice, which made you want to throw it back up, but you’d started truly engaging in the scene despite the fact.
You felt like having a good time, and you did. The vodka could almost be water after a few more drinks, and whilst dancing with your friends you’d manage to get approached by a girl.
It almost took you aback, because she was cute, she was sweet. Long hair, pretty face, eyes that could almost draw you in. But even in your drunken state, even when someone had finally gotten their gaydar on right, it wasn’t who you wanted it to be.
It was stupid, because she’s not even here, the girl could’ve made you forget, but you didn’t want her to. You didn’t want another girl to touch the lips that once grazed someone who held your heart in her hands for years. Despite not even knowing it.
You left that party quick, because your chest felt tighter and you almost wanted to cry at the memory. You’d hadn’t dwelled on it in a long time, but your heart felt like it was squeezing and slowly losing blood. Or maybe it was the alcohol kicking into its full potential.
The excuse you gave to the poor girl felt so fake to even your ears, though the sound of it was pretty much non-existent compared to the house music that will 100% make your ears ring for the next week.
And with your friends— lowkey Irish goodbyed them. You just wanted out of there.
By the time you’d stepped out, you could feel bile piling up in your throat before the eventual fluid. Throwing up right in the front yard, in the bushes thank god.
Yet before you knew it, tears were ruining your makeup, because god— you’d give anything to forget her. And her stupidly pretty face.
You walked back to your dorm and the entire time it felt like it was one big dream, almost like you were jumping from place to place on the way back in flashes, and soon enough you’re back in bed.
You felt gross, musty, probably sweating your ass off from the temperature of the party yet you thought you’d cooled down when you arrived back, a sore mistake.
You almost passed out on the spot before even taking off your makeup, or changing out of the tight dress you felt encouraged to put on. Instead your brain decided to have different plans.
You could feel the light sweatiness of your hands when you pulled your phone out of your purse, head dizzy and eyes lidded.
It took a century to unlock your phone, even accidentally locking yourself out for a minute before finally perfecting the code and immediately opening Instagram.
You didn’t even truly clock whose page you immediately searched up, but it was unmistakably Ellie’s. You saw her posts, you tried not to keep track when you’d moved away for the semester. Thought it’d hurt too much.
It was mostly empty, no posts, only stories. You pressed through each photo of her face in the highlights, feeling your heart tear in two actually seeing it again, switching to the ‘places’ label. Seeing all the different photos she’s taken, some of graffiti, others of moments on her campus, some in the nighttime, some in the daylight.
And when it moved over to the ‘people’ highlights you saw so many memories, photos with your brother you remember seeing years ago, photos of her friend group that has somehow stayed together for years. And even some of you.
The sight of yourself with Ellie made the tearing in your heart stitch back together if only for a moment, you didn’t think she’d keep those up after you’d accidentally kinda ghosted her. But she did.
And when you were done, you noticed a new story uploaded. And like a stalker you pressed it immediately, 30 seconds after she posted it, of course you’d fuck up that hard, not even a minute.
But it was the picture that made your blood run cold, a photo of her, her hands around another girl's waist.
Of course she’d move on, it’s not like you expected her to wait for you despite all the moments in your dreams where she’d pop up and haunt you, always haunting you.
But god if it didn’t kill you to see it happening in real time. Seeing the girl look so happy, seeing Ellie with a sweet smile on her face that could’ve looked like love to your drunk gaze.
It made you burst into tears again, like a kid, except this time it wasn’t Ellie wiping them away and telling you it’s okay. It’s just you. Alone, seeing her move on with her life.
You stalked her apparent girlfriend too. Tagged in the story. Her name being Cat as per her Instagram label. In that short amount of time you’d managed to find out she does tattooing, which of course Ellie would go for a cool girl like that.
She’s pretty, talented, her art featured on her page like a museum to remind you that you’re untalented and should bash your skull against the wall.
And she had way more photos of Ellie, a highlight on Cat’s page just fully dedicated to the girl, flipping through each one just felt like another stab to your very fragile ego.
She looked so happy, intimate moments between them that’d been caught in seemingly perfect shots, like a whole wedding photographer somehow came in to specifically took photos of them at the perfect time.
You found out Ellie also got a tattoo at that time, done by Cat herself. A moth wrapped around her forearm with ferns surrounding it. It was sick, couldn’t deny that, it looked damn good on her too.
Should you be checking out a now taken girl? Probably not, probably shouldn’t be crying about her either but that definitely wasn’t stopping you.
You spent the whole night just sobbing and trying to find out everything about Ellie’s new girl like a mad woman, somehow trying to think ‘maybe it’s temporary like all the ones in high school?’ But that’s a dumb thought. You barely even know Ellie now, and she’s not yours.
You’d gotten so deep into the stalking grind your thoughts got toxic, influenced by intoxication and jealousy and hurt.
You’d passed out that night through tears, having to imagine what you could’ve had with Ellie if you’d only stayed, if you’d given it up and asked her about that kiss. Because what could it have been if you’d just tried?
The plane back to Jackson felt like flying head first into a shit show, you almost prayed to god to let the plane crash so you wouldn’t have to face what’s coming.
Maybe that’s a bad thought, probably shouldn’t be wishing that with thousands of passengers on board, yet all you have is your head. All you know is your dreams nowadays.
It’s summer break; end of the semester. Which means you have to head back home.
It’s not something you entirely hate, I mean— you’re seeing your family again. Seeing them would be nice after only seeing them on FaceTime. Seeing your brother.. probably fine. He’s not that bad.
But it’s Ellie, it’s Ellie that’s going to kill you. She’s inescapable, you can’t just avoid her— she’s also going to be on summer break. And every summer-like routine she just loves to come over to your brother's house.
You haven’t even spoken in months, not since you left for college. You could’ve kept in touch but it’s not like she did either, and besides, now she’s taken.
How the hell do you bring it up now? There’s not even a slight chance left for you. But would it be so bad if you kinda hoped there would be?
The ding of the plane cuts through your thoughts, making you eyes dart up despite the fact there’s nothing you’re exactly supposed to be looking at.
Each sentence literally felt you were about to enter your death warrant. It’s simply just telling everyone to prepare for landing, that you’ve arrived in Wyoming. But you’re seriously debating just finding a good street to sleep on for the night to avoid everything awaiting you, or booking the next plane back to college and just somehow finding someone who will take you in.
Yet it’s too late. You land, get your bags from the pick up zone, and see your parents. It’s a sweet reunion, almost bringing you to tears being able to see your family again.
The plus side is, it’s only them. No brother, no Ellie.
“We missed you sweetie..” your mother says as she hugs you tight, possibly cutting off your airways.
You manage to bring yourself to hug her back, before attempting an escape to gain some air back before you pass out on the airport floor. “I missed you too mama.”
She stares at you for a moment longer, like she’s trying to commit seeing your face in person for the first time in so long to memory.
“We prepared some lunch for you at the house, your brother is grabbing some supplies with Ellie.” She said softly, not knowing how the name of her almost made you flinch.
You’re gonna have to see her right off the bat. Not even a moment to calm down before entering your childhood home again and getting an unfortunate blast to the past.
You didn’t respond back instantly, making your mothers eyebrows furrow a little, trying to maybe read your expression. See what exactly is the problem.
“Yeah, thanks mama” you manage to spit out once you notice that look on her face that’s screaming that her instincts are kicking in.
She asks if you’re okay, you brush it off and just try and tell her you’re fine. And she doesn’t push it, just leading you to the car with her hand on your shoulder, rubbing it for a second.
The drive home was weird, sitting in the backseat of your dads car as his cigarette hangs out the window, puffing on it every so often. Your mother gives him a stern look clearly disagreeing with his decision to smoke at this very moment, but for once you don’t mind it.
The smell grounds you, honestly, and despite the fact you’re hardly a cigarette girl— you could use a puff right about now.
As the car moves fast across the road you take a moment to properly stare out the window, watching as you pass the town you grew up in. Every little moment was at different locations.
You see the woods, the exact spot that Ellie had cut her lip on, where she and your brother had made a hideout and you’d fought for an Invite.
The different store chains, the mall, and eventually— by pure luck. You pass by your kindergarten. You passed it quickly, barely able to dwell on the look of it after all these years because of the car’s pace. But it’s barely changed.
Each glance at everything you had once called home feels like forever ago now, makes you feel nostalgic. Until you pull into the driveway and it really starts to hit you.
It hasn’t changed, much like your old kindergarten. Still the slightly chipped paint around the garage door, still the same perfect garden your mom has attended to since you were in diapers, and the same welcome home mat. Which felt like a sick joke right now.
Your parents entered the house like everything was business as usual, I mean— it is their everyday. But to you it felt like the biggest blast to the past, everything did.
Walking in, all the walls were lined with the familiar photos, some changed, more containing you. Which is a sweet gesture. And in this moment you feel ungrateful for your brain even suggesting the fact of not returning.
You were sent off to your room, some form of ‘we’re not ready yet’ and ‘we’ll call you down once it’s all set up.’ And you don’t argue, you need your own space right now.
Your bag is hard to take up the stairs, eventually demanding some help from your dad because you packed your entire life into the suitcases and bags when you’d left, and now you’re sentenced to putting them all back.
He grabbed what he could, you did too. If loading them in the car was bad enough, the stairs were worse.
And your room felt cozier, despite all the stress of arriving it did truly start to feel like home again once you saw the familiar aspects of it. The walls are lined with posters, the bed feeling like it was made for the princess you are, and your vanity still set up.
Nothing was changed, almost like you never really left despite the empty drawers and wardrobe. And you were very particular whilst unpacking it all, putting it all in their assigned spots that your mom had labelled when you were a kid and you very much stuck to.
When your dad left, you didn’t realise the breath you’d been holding since you boarded the arrival plane. Laying down on your back with a thud as you stare up at the ceiling like it’ll hold all the answers.
You lay for a while on your bed, lost in the thoughts of everything that’s happened and everything you expect to happen. And you channel that energy into getting dressed.
You wear a pretty dress, something modest, calculated. Something that’s not going to make your family question if their daughter has entered the wrong scene, but something that— in your mind, could draw Ellie in a little, only a bit low cut.
You debated it for a while as you put it on, spinning a few times in the mirror and mentally scolding yourself for even trying to draw in a taken woman. But some sick part of you can’t help but push the barriers.
“I’m home!” You hear echo downstairs, the sound of your brother's voice making you double take the door despite the fact he’s definitely not right outside. And the dread you’d been ignoring suddenly blasts you right in the gut.
Because you know exactly who’s with him.
It takes you about a minute to calm down, speedrunning the makeup you started after the outfit was chosen, when you had too much time to yourself. You let the routine distract you, but it can’t distract you for long.
You spray your nicest perfume, checking yourself out one more time, fixing your hair a bit, before finally making your way down the stairs.
You saw your brother waiting by the door for your parents orders of where to put everything, and you feel a pair of eyes land on you almost immediately. Ones you don’t meet.
Your brother focuses on greeting you, doing the usual family routine. “Hey sis, how are ya?”
“I’m good, just arrived back a few minutes ago— how are you? It’s been awhile..” you reply, trying to force a smile on your face and ignore the hole burning into the side of your head.
“It’s been good, the usual.” He responded, curt, dry. The usual act he puts up with you because he never wants to tell you shit about how he’s doing anyway.
He nods his head to the side, reminding you to acknowledge the one thing you’d been praying to the universe to not see. Ellie. It’s rude not to greet her too.
But as you turn your head to meet Ellie’s eyes after not seeing her for months, it felt like you could’ve gone into cardiac arrest automatically.
If she was hot in high school? She’s hot now. You knew obviously, you’d been stalking her Instagram every single day since your drunken fit after the party. But damn she looks better in person.
And she stares at you like she’s boring into your soul. You try and get a little smaller under her gaze, it shouldn’t be intimidating but it feels like it under the circumstances.
“Hey Ellie” you say softer, way softer than you were speaking with your brother. A dead giveaway which makes you internally facepalm.
She turns her head to the side for a second, analysing you for only a moment before her lips form into a smile that makes a flush rise in your cheeks.
“Hi” is all she says, gentler than she usually talks too. And her tone being as soft as yours could’ve made you melt.
There was a small beat of silence, just staring at each other with equal fascination, something you could’ve construed as more. Before the moment is cut off by your mother finally yelling for your brother to help out quickly.
He ran immediately at her tone, knowing when to behave, but Ellie looks at you and doesn’t move until she hears the command directed at her too. Walking away, it was a scene that felt so familiar to the day you left her for the last time.
You’re left standing once more. The scene felt so recognisable it could’ve been a whole flashback. Your fists clench at your sides at being stuck like this again, right where she left you.
Your feet stay firmly planted, the entire time it takes them to set up the little function you don’t move too much, you sit on the steps after a few minutes but other than that? You can’t bring yourself to go back upstairs.
Instead, you focus on the trinkets around you, all the small details that did change when you left, new little house accessories your mom definitely brought. Some new plants to replace some of the old.
The rest of the time is spent back in the familiar burrow of your mind, up until you’re finally called into the dining room.
The sounds of the room got invaded by your parents yelling ‘welcome home’ a little dramatic for just being back for summer break, especially since they literally picked you up.
“So, how has college been sweetheart? Really, you haven’t told us all too much,” she said with the familiar sweetness in her tone.
You play around with your food, using the fork to just move the meal across the plate. “Sorry mama— it’s been good, but busy, so..”
“Yeah, I bet.” Ellie cuts in, barely looking at you.
Your fork pauses, but you still don’t look at her. “Yeah, lots of new things to focus on.”
“Right, new hobbies, new people—“ Ellie started before getting cut off.
“Have you made any friends?” Your brother asks, half interested, half just wanting to scoff down his meal and go back to his PlayStation.
You glanced at Ellie, finally, for a split second. “Some, they actually talk to me.”
Ellie’s jaw flexes, her gaze sharper. “Oh, communication. That’s important.” She smirks, humourless, more trying to poke the bear aka you. “Some folks just disappear y’know? Cut off contact."
You stab at the food a little too aggressively, ignoring everyone else’s gaze except Ellie’s. “Yeah well, sometimes they just don’t have anything to say.”
Ellie tilts her head, fake curiosity. “Or they don’t know how.”
Your mother laughs in the background, thinking this is some joke. But everyone else’s eyes are filled with intrigue, and even some confusion.
“You’re bickering like an old married couple” your mother jokes, giving a hearty laugh after the fact.
“I don’t—“ you and Ellie started, accidentally overlapping each other. “We don’t—“
Your dad chuckles, unaware but clearly feeling something off, whilst on the other hand your brother is staring daggers at you and Ellie, clearly trying to see if the answer is written on your faces. It definitely is.
The smell of the meal is pretty much drowned out right now, it could’ve just been a nice sweet dinner but no, of course the bullshit starts just after you've arrived home.
“So.. are you staying long? For the summer I mean..” Ellie started, quieter than before, which adds a flick of genuine shock to your face. Attempting once again to look anywhere but her.
“I think so.”
“Cool, cool.. I’m around too. Not that it matters of course.” Ellie says with a shrug, your eyes lifting to meet her face whenever she’d look away, paired with looking at your plate when she turned back to you.
“It doesn’t” you mutter, trying to look at the table decorations instead.
The table goes quiet for a moment, the family is still obviously eating, and damn your mom outdid herself because it is a good meal, it just sucks that it feels spoiled when it feels like Ellie is almost breathing down your neck.
“Didn’t think you’d ignore me” Ellie almost whispered, something she clearly didn’t want to let slip, obvious from the widening of her eyes when she did say it.
You look back at her.
“Didn’t think you’d move on so fast.”
She blinks, looking away sharply. “Yeah, well, things happen.”
“Yeah, they do.” you mutter back.
You instinctively started adjusting your dress a bit, the light cleavage you’d intentionally tried to show a bit for Ellie’s eyes feeling more embarrassing than it was originally.
It’s awkward, painfully so. Ellie decided to start fiddling with her fingers when you’d started fiddling with your dress. Seeking distraction elsewhere.
“Why are you two being weird?” Your brother chiming in, which makes your gut twist with a small, healthy amount of panic, knowing he doesn’t know.
“We’re not.” You both replied to him, in a perfect sync that causes more humiliation than you’d expected, if it wasn’t bad before it’s definitely bad now.
Basically, in all, it went exactly how you expected it to go. Talking about it, but not talking about it, though it’s more embarrassing than it was when you were strictly just picturing it on the plane here.
And it just got too much, your instincts telling you to run so you stand up a tiny bit early to throw away the rest of your dinner. It felt extremely uncomfortable to be the only one finishing up.
You went to the kitchen without looking back, unable to face all the eyes that are inevitably on you right now. And after binning the rest of the meal, you wash the plate in the sink, making the job easier for whoever is on dishes duty this week.
You feel too tense, every signal in your brain firing that this is crazy and you probably shouldn’t have even pushed that conversation with Ellie further than it actually went.
And then you feel it. A presence coming up behind you, and you already know who it is.
Ellie didn’t say anything to you, putting her own plate into the dishes as you both silently washed away the evidence that there even was a dinner in the first place.
It’s an excruciating situation, not even knowing what you should and shouldn’t say.
“You could’ve texted, y’know, checked in or— whatever.” You hear Ellie mumble in the moment that’s only the two of you. You can hear the utensils clinking against the plates from your family in the other room, making this moment alone with her feel more intimate than you’re currently comfortable with.
“Well, not like you did either.” You fired back, it was a quiet retort but it had enough passion in the words to make your point clear.
“I thought— I thought you needed space.” She falters under your tone.
“I thought you did.” You chime back in, the quiet hum of the sink filling in for the silence between you two for a second.
She takes a second, clearly her eyes showing a form of debate happening in her head before saying; “I wasn’t exactly alone.”
You pause, warm water rushing over your fingers that ties you down to reality. “Right, your girlfriend.”
Ellie freezes— not expecting you to say it outright. “She’s.. nice.”
Something hot twists in your stomach. “I’m sure she is, you always liked them nice.”
“Why are you saying it like that?” She says quieter.
“Like what.”
“Like it bothers you.” The words spew out of her mouth before she can stop the implication. Unable to meet your eyes.
You shut off the tap, trying to focus on aggressively scrubbing the plates instead. God she’s bold, she always was. “It doesn’t bother me.”
“Bullshit”
Those words make your neck almost crack from the turn you did, seeing her right at your side. And even though you’ve gone back and forth meeting her eyes and then subsequently looking away, you see her. Really see her.
You maintain looking at the side of her face, despite your mind desperately trying to will your body to direct your head away, but now you can’t help but stare like you’re witnessing something shift.
“You moved on too fast.” You whisper, your face hardens due to the lingering resentment.
Ellie blinks, caught off guard.
“What was I supposed to do? Sit around and wait until you remember I actually exist?” She quipped with a hint of desperation, her raspy voice infected with a small whiny plea for acknowledgement.
You stepped closer, drying your hands on the towel. “I didn’t forget you.”
Ellie’s breath stutters and quickly tilts her chin up, trying to keep some semblance of confidence. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“You’re the one who just— popped out on Instagram one day with someone else!” You state, trying to reign yourself in because you’re starting to sound a little unhinged.
Ellie opens her mouth, closing it, almost having a pink hue to her cheeks before her expression suddenly slips into a small, lingering smirk.
“Are you jealous?”
You scoff, too quickly.
“No.”
“You sound jealous.” she leaned in, voice dropping. The sound makes your heart skip a beat.
You hold her stare, it’s intimidating how close she is and how small the kitchen suddenly feels. “Maybe I just didn’t think you’d give up on.. whatever we were gonna be.”
Ellie’s breath catches as your words process in her head, her fingers tightening on the counter.
A beat passes by. “I didn’t.. she isn’t— you.” She whispers, so close to your face it’s giving you Deja vu.
Your stomach flips, feeling a small tingle travel through your entire body. A shiver that travels up your spine and lands right between your legs.
“Then why her?” You say quietly, trying not to reach out and touch her.
Her eyes flick to your lips, and then look away. “Because I couldn’t have you.”
Silence.
A silence so loud you swear you could hear Ellie’s heartbeat along with yours, and you reacted without thinking.
You press right against her chest, her hands moving to your waist with ease as your noses touch. Lips centimetres apart, and it was so close to perfect.
Breaths mingle together, and for a moment all you could focus on was the soft graze of your lips meeting.
It could’ve been eternity if the universe willed it, but nothing is that perfect.
Sudden footsteps approach, getting louder and louder and in immediate panic both you and Ellie pull back. Ellie froze in place whilst you went back to doing the dishes, pretending like nothing happened.
“Yo, it’s boring here. Wanna head out for a spell?” Your brother said, one hand looking at his phone and the other holding the dirty plate. “No offense” he followed up when you gave him a sharp side glance.
“Yeah— yeah alright” Ellie started, still lightly flushed from the adrenaline.
“Uh.. you wanna come?” Ellie said, turning to you. You were taken aback because well, you’ve never been invited to the hangouts your brother and Ellie would do, not since you were a kid anyway.
Your eyes widen for just a moment before automatically nodding, the flush in your cheeks visible, the shade matching the pink on Ellie’s. Ellie wants to actually spend time with you.
And after that kiss? It feels special.
Your senses are filled with the chirping of the outside air and the chill surrounding you. Your grip tightens on the sides of your coat, despite the fact that the summer air should in theory make it too warm for this, somehow the universe decided on a chilly night.
You follow behind your brother and Ellie, you’ve walked a few blocks from your home and only slightly getting more anxious. And who could blame you? You’ve never exactly done this before.
“Almost there, don’t get your panties in a twist” Ellie mutters softly to you, slowing down to match your pace whilst your brother walks a bit ahead.
“It’s fucking cold” you whisper, giving her a small glare.
She laughs at that, truly laughs. The sound makes you feel on top of the world and the goosebumps in your skin must either be from the chilly night or the beauty you’re blessed to see.
“Yeah well, it was your choice to join, princess” she said with a smile, and in turn it made the corners of your mouth twitch up too. You always loved that nickname.
You had to stop yourself from holding her hand, or grabbing her arm and linking it with your own, but you still knew better, despite that semblance of a confession you’d shared.
You scoff instead. Walking next to Ellie with your arms crossed to hug yourself, you look at Ellie once, then twice. She does the same before you both just burst into a fit of giggles.
You’re still tasting her in your mouth.
And by the time you turned to look ahead to see your brother, you’d already arrived.
It was a little alley corner, only lit up by a single streetlight. The whole place was tagged up, graffiti over almost all the walls and a little set up made out of big storage containers to create tables and chairs.
There’s a Gatorade bong sitting on one of the containers, mixed with spray paint cans and empty snack wrappers tossed about.
Even some string lights are set up, they’re dim, trying not to draw too much attention to the alley but also to give the spot some light. The only thing that could give the corner the most attention is the speaker set up in the corner.
And sitting in that homemade table set up is a few people, some you recognise from your brothers and Ellie’s friend group, clearly they haven’t had any separational issues despite being together every day for years. And then there’s a girl you have come to recognise very well.
The sight of her makes your heart actually stop, like, you could’ve sworn you had a heart attack. Because you see Cat herself in the flesh.
You immediately paused in spot, standing perfectly still and watching as Ellie walked up to give Cat a hug, to give Cat a kiss. Your eyes widened and the floor almost felt like it was falling beneath you.
Cat was originally sitting on one of the crates, on her phone. Ellie had specifically leaned down just to go out of her way to kiss her.
“Hey” Cat said, sweet, you wanted to throw up on the spot.
“Hey babe.. didn’t know you were coming.” Ellie responded, her tone more casual, something that seems to be mixed with embarrassment, her eyes darting over to you for a second.
You knew this was coming, one way or another. You knew Ellie had a girlfriend, you knew that when she kissed you only an hour ago. But you weren’t fully prepared for it.
On the other hand, your brother announced his presence loudly, saying hello to his friends, giving them side hugs or dabbing them up— but your attention is completely on Cat.
She’s even prettier in person, it makes you wish you could choke yourself out. And she’s hanging off Ellie’s arm like she owns her. She does, of course, but how much exactly is called into question.
Cat seems to have an easy confidence, her vibe is a mix of effortlessly cool yet could either be the sweetest or the meanest girl you’d ever meet just based on her appearance.
Just as you were about to turn around, call this a big fat mistake and walk home to eat ice cream and cry— your brother wrapped his arm around your shoulder, unexpectedly ruining your escape plan.
“This is my sis, y’all remember her” he said, ruffling your hair before shoving you lightly.
A spew of greetings are heard from his friends, asking how you’ve been. The usual show.
“You want a drink..?” Ellie asks, seemingly to the group but it was more directed at you.
“I’m good.” You respond, tight lipped. Questioning your morals, you should probably tell Ellie’s girlfriend that Ellie kissed you, but you don’t even really know Cat like that. And— it’s also Ellie you’re talking about.
“Do you know her personally or something?” Cat said loud enough for you to hear, but her gaze stayed on Ellie’s.
“I mean— yeah obviously, I grew up with her brother and her too.” Ellie cut in, too fast.
You shifted around a bit, putting weight on your right leg and then switching to your left. Uneasy.
“Aw, cute. Childhood friends.” Cat says, smiling right at you.
Then Cat reaches for Ellie’s hand, slotting her fingers between Ellie’s. Slow, casual, and possessive. You felt your lungs suck in air too quickly.
Ellie tensed a bit, trying to just smile and look around at her friends with no real agenda to say anything, using it as an excuse to make looking at you seem more normal.
It’s like she’s trying to see your reaction, but you look away first, sitting on one of the crates.
“Yo, you good?” One of your brother's friends asks, laughing quietly.
“Yeah, just a bit warm.” You muttered, looking down at the homemade table and taking off your jacket because hell, you really are starting to get warm.
If you were really honest, you’re trying to ignore the fact that you’re actually just burning with jealousy.
Cat keeps talking about some story from last weekend— touching Ellie’s sleeve, laughing too loud, almost already seeing you as some kind of threat. And every single time Ellie flicks her eyes back to you, trying to see your reaction, if you’re watching, if you’re even affected.
You are, you absolutely fucking are.
Your brother nudges your shoulder, giving you a look that’s asking if you’re actually chill with everything. You just force a nod.
There’s so many factors that make you just so sad, angry, and all and all, feeling like a horrible person. She kissed you, and seeing her with Cat hurts you. And you don’t know what to do about it.
You said no to the drink originally, but just the sight of Cat hanging off Ellie’s arm is motivation enough to grab a beer.
It tastes disgusting, but it soothes your nerves. And it’s easier to laugh, and talk, and loosen up.
It also made you a fucking idiot.
Cat stands up after the PDA display, being all close and personal with Ellie, somewhere she belonged and you didn’t. But you still felt the boiling fire running through your veins either way.
“I’m gonna add something to the wall before Peter gets here, or he’s gonna take up my space.” she announced, a big triumphant smile before grabbing one of the spray cans.
Ellie nods, something automatic, giving Cat one last squeeze of the hand before she walks away.
The second she does, you move. Planting yourself right next to Ellie in what was once Cat’s seat. Close enough that your knees pressed against hers.
You feel her stiffen for a second, then relaxing.
You hold the beer, tightening slightly around it, making indents in it with your fingers, using the coldness against your hand as a grounding technique.
The music has changed a few times, low volume, but it’s either Rap, Rock, or hard metal. Everyone is more scattered about, having their own conversations between each other.
Cat doesn’t look over, her tongue stuck out slightly just between her teeth, too focused on perfecting the art than you pushing the boundaries.
“You’re sitting here now?” Ellie asked, her voice cutting through the observation you were making.
You met her eyes, something different in them. Having enough liquid courage. “Problem?”
Ellie’s almost comedic gulp was audible, it made you laugh for a second.
“No.”
You take a sip of your drink, the liquid bitter but just what you needed. And mid sip you turn your eyes back to the wall where Cat is spraying messy, pink lines.
“She’s.. artistic.” The words come out quiet, not entirely judgey, but more so getting that same reminder you did when you first stalked her Instagram last month. That she’s definitely got talent and you don’t.
Ellie snorted, glancing sideways at you. “She tries.”
“Sounds like someone who isn’t very supportive of their girlfriend.” You whisper, a small smirk, eyeing her like she’s prey.
“Don’t do that” The auburn hair girl scoffed. Watching as her eyes look you up and down, checking you out.
“Do what?” Your head tilts.
She doesn’t reply, instead talking a large gulp of her own drink. Trying to ignore your prying eyes.
After all the anxiousness you were experiencing prior.. the alcohol has made you feel a bit bold. A dangerous smile grazing your lips.
“Should I move?” You whisper.
Ellie’s breath catches, and she shakes her head.
“No, stay.”
The two words go straight through you, like an arrow was shot right into your heart. Across the alley you can hear Cat laughing at something one of the guys said, oblivious.
“Were you serious?” You whisper, the smartass look you originally had fading a tiny bit.
Ellie’s eyes turn back towards you, her brows furrow and her face is a dead giveaway to her confusion. “What do you mean?”
“That she isn’t me, that you’re with her because you couldn’t have me—“
“Not here.” Ellie cuts you off, her face shifting to panic and concern. Clearly trying to keep a secret since you’re around all her friends and spilling the confession, even if you were being quiet.
“No ellie— I wanna know. I mean.. it’s a little fucked up isn’t it?” You whisper quieter, leaning in close so Ellie doesn’t tweak the fuck out if someone overheard.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” Ellie whispers back, turning her head forward. Because if she looked at you right now? You’d be way too close.
“You kissed me.” Is all you say, quiet, almost like a mouse. But you burn holes into the side of her face once more.
Ellie’s breath stutters, you heard it. “You kissed me back.”
Cat turns then, looking over her shoulder and seeing you in her spot. Ellie shifts away from you, guilt ridden all over her face. You let her.
Cat walks back towards you both. You don’t turn around to see her face, because you think that— if you did, it’d show every conflict you’re going through.
“Ellie, grab a can. C’mon help me out.” Cat’s voice rings, standing directly behind you both.
“Yeah, yeah alright babe.” Ellie mumbles, giving you one last glance before fumbling her way out of the seat. Turning to follow Cat and see what she’s got so far.
The music shifted to a softer tune, the stars more shiny at this hour. Some would call it slightly creepy. But by this point you’re tipsy and about to fall asleep.
And soon enough your brother decided that you and him should go back. Inviting Ellie to come along but Cat chimed in at the last second.
“Ellie, you should stay at mine instead—“ she said with a big smile, giving her the up and down look that’s implying more. It just made you more jealous at the thought of what they’d be doing alone.
You expected Ellie to agree, but she surprised you enough tonight, and she’s willing to do it again clearly. “Nah, I’m gonna head out with them.”
You saw a flash of disappointment spreading over Cat’s features. And you almost felt bad for her, almost felt all the guilt from kissing Ellie hit at full force.
But Cat met your eyes for a split second as Ellie pried her off her arm, and she looked openly pissed. She didn’t say anything, but you could swear she could read your mind this entire time.
You spiral. She knows, she knows— she definitely knows. You could almost hear blaring alarms. You were too obvious, she definitely knows you at least have a thing for Ellie—
“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Cat’s expression is sweet. Too sweet, like she’s grinding her teeth together and you can see it obviously by the tense in her jaw.
You turned to follow your brother to avoid watching them kiss, the last thing you want to see is Ellie’s lips on Cat again.
It seemed like your brother was paranoid on the way back, not too confident in what could happen at 3am on a Friday night. But all your brain is replaying is every moment that’s happened today, way too much for you to handle on your first day back.
The street lights make the road light up, enough to see despite the darker areas that anything can happen in.
Your street was the darkest of them all, somehow not properly lit up at night so it’s based purely on instinctual direction.
You put your jacket back on, it had been around your waist the whole time because you were overheating enough from the events from earlier. And the cold was really kicking in now.
Yet you felt a hand sneak around your waist, just under the jacket. You jumped, almost let out a squeak. But when you turned it was Ellie coming up at your side.
She looked almost protective, her hand on the bare skin of your waist as she guided you, she’s focused on moving ahead. On making it back to your place, but her touch just makes it so easy for you to lean in closer.
Your arm wrapped around her waist in response to her touch. Clinging to each other, it’d be sweet if you were both anything other than messy.
Thankfully your brother is up ahead, none of us actually talking because we’re more focused on not drawing attention and getting back. And it’s easy to find your house since it’s the only one with the patio light on.
Your parents knew you were going out, and it’s nice to see they’d take the dark night into consideration for you all.
The steps creaked a little as the weight from each of you had an effect on it. You’re tipsy enough to almost fall back, but you still have Ellie’s arm wrapped around your side. Keeping you upright.
Her arm pulls back from your waist when your brother turns around, but he’s more focused on fishing through his pockets to have even realised Ellie was touching you.
“You got the key?” He whispered, darting his head back up to you.
You nod, fishing through your own pockets until you find it, unlocking the door hastily. Acting like you’re in a full blown horror movie and could die any second, with the way tonight’s going? Totally possible.
The house was dark, illuminated by a small lamp on the cabinet. Immediately you rush a bit to take off your shoes and jacket, not stopping to say goodnight to your brother, or Ellie. Just making your way up the stairs until you’re in the confines of your room.
The sanctuary of finally having a moment to yourself felt like breathing again. Leaning your back against the door and closing your eyes.
It felt like you were spinning for a second, eyes opening quick once that started. Deciding instead of falling asleep upright you’d start getting unready.
You take time to slowly wipe off any makeup you’d applied earlier this afternoon. Particular to every little crevice concealer could be hiding in.
You do your skincare, making sure you’re able to feel refreshed before trying to go to sleep. You slip into just a loose shirt and panties, and then burrow yourself under the sheets.
Your mom had clearly prepared them for you before you’d arrived, feeling awful having to ruin the perfect display but the blankets are calling your name.
It’s warmer, you lay against the pillows on your side, facing the wall as you try to fall asleep, closing your eyes and then opening them slightly every few minutes.
Just as you were finally about to slip into a nice slumber you heard your door creek, making you jump a bit. Wild eyed at whoever dared to disturb you, but quickly calming down when you saw who exactly it was.
Ellie. Her and her stupidly perfect self standing inside your room, acting like she’s never seen it before when she obviously has.
“You still love pink, huh?” She muttered quietly, holding back a snort.
You roll your eyes, falling back down onto your mattress to avoid her presence. “Shut up, I haven’t slept here in months.”
“Doesn’t mean you don’t still love pink.” She said, light. Clearly comfortable, and a bit too comfortable when she started making her way under your sheets.
You turn to face her, seeing her laying next to you. “What are you doing?”
“Everytime I’ve slept here it’s been in your room since you decided to move like— states away. You’re in my space now baby.” She teases, her voice quiet but with that familiar rasp that just almost sets you back to the teenager you were. The same girl who’d fawn over her, and clearly hasn’t stopped since.
“You’ve slept in here? It’s definitely not.. you.”
“Yeah well, beats the couch” she shrugs. Can’t argue with that.
You giggled, a giggle. Something that would come out of a lovesick woman which you’re totally— definitely not.
A lie.
Yet Ellie cuts off your ability to quip back at that comment, leaning in and kissing you.
It took you aback, happening so suddenly after you’d just met her girlfriend. You almost want to pull back, tell her she can’t be doing this, that you’re not gonna be the other woman— but you don’t.
You kiss her back, taking in the taste of her lips against yours. It’s so intoxicating, her lips are warm, able to feel the fact they’re less chapped than you’d imagined them to be.
You really get the chance to process this kiss, and as it goes on for longer, and longer, only with some breaks to pull away for air— a whimper escapes you.
“Shh..” she whispers after pulling back for a second, lips still pressed against yours. The vibration of her shush makes you shiver.
Her hands land back on your waist, rubbing the sides up and down whilst her lips still remain planted onto yours. In response your arms wrap around her shoulders to make sure she can’t go anywhere, keeping her nice and close.
It felt like you were kissing for hours, you could kiss her every day for years if it always felt this amazing.
The other kisses before didn’t feel as satisfying as this one did. It truly felt like fireworks, like it was just too perfect, too.. right. Like you were made just for this.
“Ellie..” you whisper after taking a second for air, the way you say her name is completely breathless— you want to say more, tell her everything for real this time.. but her lips latch onto your neck instead, making your mind go to jelly.
You feel the little pecks, then the firmer ones. Open mouthed, making their own markings on you, lightly biting. Not to make it hurt; but as a sign of ownership.
You moan quietly, muffling the sound into her shoulder as she reaches your pulse point. Making her own little home there as you lightly scratch her back.
One of her hands is still on your waist, but the other one slowly moves up until it cups the fat of your breast. Giving you a little squeeze.
“This okay baby?” Her voice husky in your ear, going right down to your pussy and giving it its own heartbeat.
You let out the tiniest whimper, you can’t help but be a little noisy when Ellie’s the one making you feel this good. “Mhm..”
“Good girl” she whispers, moving down to kiss your collarbone, down to look at your cleavage on display for her.
She doesn’t say anything as she pulls your shirt over your head, you try and take a minute to fix your hair that got messy after that, but she laid you down too fast. Holding your hands at the side of your head.
“I wanna fuck you so bad.” Her voice almost whimpers. Like she’s desperate for just a little taste of you.
Your heart almost exploded, feeling more and more heat on your cheeks at her dirty talk. All you can do is stutter, attempt to say something cheeky but nothing comes out except breathless panting.
All you can do is nod and lay back. Her kisses go downwards from your neck once more until she latches onto your nipple, lightly sucking the left whilst her fingers lightly rub the right in circles.
You could’ve sworn the room got hotter, all the tension and desire could’ve made your windows fog.
After giving your breasts some much needed attention, leaving a small hickey right on the fat, she slowly works her way down.
“Just panties, huh?” She whispered, kissing your abdomen as her sharp green eyes darted up at you with a predatory look.
“It’s my bed” you whisper back, finally finding your voice despite how shaky it sounds.
She smirks, kissing your stomach. “Not complaining. Gives me easy access.”
She worked her way until she was just above your heat. Her eyes closing like she’s savouring the moment, not even thinking once about the consequences.
“You sure?” She whispers once more, more vulnerable this time.
And you nod once more, expecting her to hesitate for a second longer but she doesn’t. Instead licking a stripe through your already damp panties.
You have to hold back a moan, biting your lip to prevent a sound.
She teases you, her tongue drawing circles. She doesn’t bother to take them off, not yet. It’s torture for her not to taste all of you yet— but she’s willing to wait.
“Ellie— c’mon” you stutter, arching off the bed a little to try and get her to give you more.
She lets out a few tsks, smiling. “Beg.”
You almost laughed in her face— almost. But then she meets your eyes again, too serious, and you actually realise she does want you to beg for it.
You attempted to be a little bratty, standing your ground. But god— she just kept teasing and pushing you until you couldn’t stand it anymore. Giving into what she wants if it means you get some much needed release.
“Please— please Ellie please fuck me” you whimper quietly, trying to prevent your pitch being loud enough to wake anyone up.
“Tell me what you want me to do baby.” She chuckled, actually chuckled.
“Please.. eat my pussy— finger me— need it so bad..” you beg, giving her exactly what she wants.
Before you know it her pointer finger pushed your panties to the side. Not taking them off entirely, yet slowly sticking her finger in.
You have to hold back a moan at the sudden intrusion. Biting your tongue so hard you could’ve left teeth marks.
“See? This is how you get your way princess, just have to beg me and I’ll do anything you ask.” was the words she said before her lips latched around your clit.
Your back arches once more, your hand flying to your mouth to tame the volume as she wreaks you, another finger slipping inside. Creating double the pleasure.
You push her head down a little, fingers tangling in her hair as she goes a little quicker, her tongue lapping and eating you out like she’s gunning for a marathon.
You can’t stop the little whimpers, the pleasure intensifying until you truly feel like you’ve reached heaven in this single moment.
“Don’t stop” you whimper through the muffle of your hand, eyes closing tight as it courses through your entire body.
She hummed, leaving another satisfying feeling behind, the pleasure building up and the urge to praise her taking over.
“God.. I love how you fuck me.” You manage to keep at a whisper, small gasps escaping through each word. In response she goes quicker, getting you closer and closer to release.
When covering your mouth doesn’t work anymore you turn your head until it’s buried in the pillow, gasps getting sharper.
And in that moment she pulls her mouth away, still having her fingers thrust in and out of your pussy. “Eyes on me.”
You whined at the lack of tongue. At her demand you face her, looking at her as she then finally goes back to both, sucking your clit and pulling her fingers in and out.
It was at that moment that you felt a coil in your lower stomach, indicating your quick release.
“Ellie— Ellie..” you whimper over and over, saying her name like a prayer. And she liked that. Curling her fingers just right whilst making eye contact, until you’d cum all over her face.
You tried to catch your breath, staring back up at the ceiling. Eyes closed.
She lets you ride it out, going more slow until you loosen your grip on her hair and your legs shake a bit. Indicating your overstimulation.
She slowly let her fingers exit your hole. Watching as you still clenched over nothing, fascinated.
But it didn’t take her long to make her way up, gently pushing light strands of hair away from your face before gently cradling your cheek.
“Water?” She asked softly, her eyes almost having stars in them as she meets your fucked out ones.
You can’t bring yourself to respond, giving a simple nod as she reaches over to your bedside table and helps you sit up. Holding the water to your lips as you sip.
When you’re done she puts it back down, giving you a sweet kiss to the lips. Putting your panties on right, before laying at your side and pulling you close, letting your ear rest against her heartbeat.
It helps you calm down despite the fact her heart is racing too. And a small smile appears on your face, a sense of contentment.
She almost laughs, making you look up at her from your spot.
“What?” You whisper in response, scanning her.
Her expression becomes gentle, like she’s handling something fragile, like you’re putty in her hands. “Nothin’ you just.. look cute.”
That makes you giggle, nuzzling your face closer as her hand moves to run her fingers through your hair.
You fall asleep soon after, the afterglow leading you into a nice slumber.
You ignore what this all could mean, what you’ve done, the effects this could have on everything.
This is gonna be a long summer.
Tags 🏷️: @mischievous-darling @andieprincessofpower @valeisaslut @shadowmythe
Amen twin good job