cause a scene

i love and lust and i hope and i pray that i don't ever fail to remember how great it feels to just feel. sideblog for alex gaskarth. ooc eyes only.

[starsdefylove]

it’s almost been five years now. that’s so crazy to think about? i feel like i’ve wasted so much time since then just self-sabatoging and making myself feel like shit for something that wasn’t even my fault. it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault.

it doesn’t hurt to think about him anymore. i mean, not in the same way at least. it’s obviously just fucking sad in general and in moments of anger or sadness i’ll say that i miss him as my partner but that’s not actually true. i just miss him as a person sometimes. it wasn’t fair what happened to him. and it would be so easy to just keep forcing myself to be miserable but i can’t do that anymore, just fall back into that hole of depression and alcohol and drugs and sex and— i can’t do it again. i don’t wanna do it again.

bebe and i are going back to maryland soon to start looking for places together. i know it maybe seems a little fast but i feel like... time really just led me back to her? i have this little family to take care of now and it’s so, so much more than i ever would’ve asked for for myself. i don’t feel like i deserve it sometimes, this joy that she and evie have given me, but this is my second chance and it’s mine and i’m gonna take it.

i’m just so lucky.

[starsdefylove]

i was fighting insecurity for the past few days but earlier bebe showed me a photo of evie eating the food i made on thanksgiving and her little face is all covered in mashed potatoes and it lit something up in my chest and i just never wanna leave this bed

[poeticsuggestion]

I was in the middle of laughing with you and realized it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt this happy.

[museinspo]

“Out of all the galaxies, constellation of stars, billions of people, and our paths collide. Don’t you ever realize how magical it is?”

— tragedyintoart (via ninadobrevas)

[starsdefylove]

this past month has been so surreal. it feels like i’m in some kind of weird alternate dimension where i don’t feel so afraid and hopeless every day, but it really is reality somehow.

bebe and i made it official about a month ago, but i haven’t wanted to be away from her since we bumped into each other in LA in september. it had been almost 10 years since we’d spoken or seen each other before that and i didn’t realize until then how much i actually missed her. we’ve both had entirely new lives begin and end since breaking up so i didn’t exactly know what to expect from reconnecting... falling for her again was probably the last thing i would’ve seen coming but here i am.

she’s so incredible. seeing how much she’s accomplished and overcome inspires me. i’ve sort of been looking at my life in the last five years as if it was already over and just enjoying what i can until it actually ends, but being with her is helping me realize that there’s so much more for me. it still hurts sometimes but she makes everything feel so much... brighter. like it’s gonna be okay, even though it might not be right now. i needed her so much and i didn’t even know it.

it means so much to me that she’s let me into evie’s life the way she has, too. i know bebe has a lot on her mental plate and being able to help with the baby brings me a lot of joy, plus i really just love hanging out with the two of them. evie’s father is in her life and i want to respect that as much as possible while also being her, uh... i dunno. her alex? i’m hoping sometime in december the girls and i can have a little vacation of sorts and have some time away together like a little family.

god, a family. it’s really so fucking surreal. i’m actually happy, and the craziest part is that i’m not so scared of it anymore.

[starsdefylove]

holy shit. holy shit?... holy shit.

[starsdefylove]

it’s not a relationship. i’m really not sure what it is? but having her around again has been so much fun and just... really comfortable. it’s different with her, maybe because it doesn’t feel like starting from scratch. still new, still very scary, but not as much. i’m happy.

[hoeonfilm]

[woeiisms]

robertgordon2017‌:

“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

— Khalil Gibran

[starsdefylove]

whatever whatever whatever

[starsdefylove]

making some funky decisions lately but i’ll let future alex take care of it

[starsdefylove]

lmao fuck

[genius-lyrics]

[traumaticchild]

*bottles up emotions* this coping shits easy

[strangestdays]

[starsdefylove]

— slasher reaction

i think i’ve accepted nightmares as a normal occurrence for me at this point in life, but the terrors were letting up. 

i used to find myself awake in some random spot in the house, different from where i remember myself falling asleep, and after some investigating i found it was due to sleepwalking. i’d also be sweating and breathing pretty heavily when i woke up in the beginning as well. all of the nightmares... i’d usually remember them vividly. thomas was always in them when it started; in fact he was normally the only relevant character, other than myself and the person killing him in front of me. eventually some other family members gained starring roles, and jack, rian, zack... this was all within that first year of the robbery. it got better once i could move out of that house and into my apartment and it’s definitely still a problem, but less of one.

i wasn’t targeted last year but i remember hearing about it. about the psychopath going around killing “impure” celebrities. i wanna believe this is just some hoax, that maybe some lowlife internet troll got ahold of my email and sent me that... message. i don’t consider myself on the more secretive side of the industry but i have my personal stuff that i don’t tell people. everyone does. how does that possibly mean i deserve to die, though? that any of us deserve to die?

if it is real though, and someone is really looking to get me... could that be? it doesn’t feel real. i hate thinking about dying like that. when thomas was killed it fucking ruined me, but it never made me wanna die. run away and live in some cave under a mountain and never see anyone again, maybe, but i didn’t wanna die. i don’t wanna die. at least... i don’t think i do. 

all this to say, i had a terror for the first time in months on wednesday night. i flew to LA to hang out with jack and finally just get out the fucking house, and it’s ridiculously comforting to have him with me, but for some reason my brain just... ugh. it’s so fucking sickening and i can’t stop thinking about that email. i can’t fucking die like that. to be so dreadfully lucky to be alive after my fiancé was murdered, just to be killed too? what a damn joke that would be. all i’ve wanted to do since thursday was stay drunk and cry. which i guess isn’t really new.

i don’t want jack seeing me like this. i wanna be alone. well... no, that’s a lie, i don’t. but the only person i fucking want is dead and that’s not changing so i don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. 

[starsdefylove]

i’m so sick of these fucking nightmares i could rip my goddamn hair out. nothing feels like it’s helping anymore.

[timotaychalamet]

Dolor y gloria (2019) dir. Pedro Almodóvar